Made in Heaven - 16. You can see it in my face

Tim opened his eyes, but it didn't mean he had slept last night for a single minute. Too much was going on in his head. He thought about Maxim, sleeping or laying awake just some meters afar in the other room. When it was time to get up he turned off the alarm clock to prevent it from starting its annoying noise.

It had rained for mostly the whole night. Tim had heard it beating upon the concrete of his small balcony. He stretched and hastily slipped into a short pyjama laying on the chair next to his bed. He peered through the door to see Maxim laying on his back, arms outstretched, his head fallen aside. Beside him his cat was curled up. What a peaceful picture.

Tim tiptoed back into the bath; when he returned Maxim still slept. He sat on the edge and stroked the cat instead of the man he longed for. Instantly Coco opened his eyes and started to purr. After a while he rushed away to the door, complaining with lots of meows.

Maxim's body jerked when he awoke, and seeing Tim he smiled and stretched his body. "Hello Timmy. Must have fallen asleep. This couch isn't that bad", he mumbled, then he looked at the white cat, sitting by the door, looking reproachful. He jumped out of the bed and searched for the tin of food, forgetting he was wearing nothing.

Tim blushed but he didn't go away. Why should he. It was his flat and to see Maxim rushing stark naked to look for his bag, was more than a pleasant sight. Then it was Maxim's turn to blush when he realized where he was. He crouched to fill a bought plate. Tim pretended not to see it.

"Have you made a decision?" he asked instead. "And if yes, what about your stuff. When will you pick it up?"

"I don't know. You all scared me, you know."

"What don't you know? About leaving or carrying the stuff?"

"About leaving." Maxim sat upon the carpet, legs pulled up, embracing them with his arms.

"You can't be serious about that", Tim said. "Don't you have enough? Imagine what jerk he is, he's jealous to no end when you talk with another guy and then he goes and fucks with Gregor."

Maxim nodded. "Yes." He looked up. "Yes, Tim! I know. So, it's not about deciding that Christian's a jerk - for he IS - but about how to come to terms with it; about my being in love with a jerk! You understand?"

"Of course I do. Don't reproach yourself, it's not your fault."

Tim sat beside him on the carpet. He would like to be able to touch Maxim. Feel the smooth skin under his hands. And the shiny, black hair.

"I'm not sure that Chris will let me go so easily."

"And what bad shall he do when you're not coming alone? You have a lot there?"

"I need boxes to carry it."

"Good. Then we will organize something. Problem is, will you move? Your old flat is occupied by Phil. Either you live together or ... you stay here."

Crap, Maxim hadn't thought about those mundane problems. "Hm. Or moving into a hotel."

"Rubbish, that's much too expensive. Phil has to look for an own flat then."

Maxim didn't know what to do. He certainly needed his clothes, but he needed privacy as well. Nothing against Tim, but living with him here and sleeping on the couch was ... luring but not the thing he wanted right now. The same went for Philipp. Better he left his stuff with Christian for a while or at least until he had figured out his sleeping problem. Nice dog's breakfast.

"So you're sure you want to finish with Chris, yes?"

"I'm sure." Maxim looked at Tim. "We had a good time. It's just hard for me to realize that Christian has a dark side. He was so full of fantasy. So tender. How can I arrange this with his brutality? I think I need to talk to him."

"And then? He will turn your head again! He's a smooth-tongue, he will butter you up just to get you into his bed again." Tim fell silent and eyed Maxim. Must be worth it, he thought and suppressed a grin.

"I can't go without a word, Tim. Better I call him and set an appointment when to pick up my stuff. I'm really afraid of it." He came closer. "Would you mind being around when I meet him? I mean, he doesn't need to see you. Just for support."

"And help? I can't do karate."

Coco had finished his meal and strolled through the room in search of more interesting things. "He'll be bored. All his toys are gone. You think your parents will allow me to leave him here?"

Tim rolled his eyes. "Hey, how often do I have to explain it's MY flat and what I'm doing here is none of their business."

"Ok." Maxim touched Tim's arm. "And what about breakfast?"

"We eat together usually. Depends on my shift." Tim rose, snatched his short bath robe and tossed it Maxim. "No need for you to turn my head", he said.

"Sorry about that. Hm, do you have a T-shirt or something for me?"

"Sure. Help yourself, underpants, socks, everything you need."

After Tim had left him alone he found out that Tim had a similar taste for unordinary underwear. This made him grin over his whole face. It was interesting getting to know somebody better day by day. What devil had gotten him to fall in love with Christian? But as serious and true in his feelings as Maxim was, it wasn't so easy for him to end what had once occupied his whole being and thinking. To do so would be shallow anyway. But because of his bad experiences with Christian, he really needed time for himself. Time to figure out this relationship until the last piece of the big puzzle falls into the right place.

While he stood under the shower he thought of what to do next: Ask Martin or ask Christian for a meeting. Outside his apartment of course.

He used Tim's ointment again and felt his anus heeling. He could even use the toilet again which was a great relief. Curiously he examined Tim's stuff, the boxes with Nivea-cream, a porcelain bowl filled with condoms, he sniffed at his eau de toilet - Baldessarini by Hugo Boss - which he found very intoxicating and special. Then he hurried up to join the breakfast table. Oddly enough he felt fresh and an odd sort of happiness even after an almost sleepless night. Coco hopped down the staircase beside him. He too apparently felt almost at home.

Moritz and Tobias had finished their breakfast already and where about to leave for their shop. Tobias bent down to stroke the cat and Coco was confiding. "Er... is it ok to leave him here? He will be up in Tim’s rooms and he behaves well, I promise."

Tobias looked surprised. "Why do you ask me? If it's ok with Tim, there's no problem." He exchanged a look with Moritz then with Tim. It seemed as if the night did both well. He wondered what happened between them. But then, as long as it made Tim happy...

Tim poured milk into a flat bowl and offered it to Coco making him literally jump to lap it off. Maxim grinned and then turned to the rest, "Now, what do you like? As reward for my sleeping place I'll do the breakfast."

"Hmmmm," Tim pondered loudly. "What about crispy little sausages along with scrambled eggs? Could be fried eggs too."

"And bacon, beans and toast as the British do?"

"Why not."

"Wow." Maxim eyed Tim's slender body. "Does it go well with your diet plan?"

"What diet plan?"

"Well..." Maxim stopped short in front of Tim, looking directly into his eyes. "What about you helping me with Christian and my helping your to get back the pleasure of eating?"

Tim blinked.

"I'm not complaining about your body, angel. I just noticed a long time ago that you have problems with it yourself." His eyes started to glow. "And besides, I've nothing against a crispy little sausage. Can be a big one too."

Tim blushed and so did Maxim. Funny thing, he thought. Here you are, hardly survived a relationship, starting to flirt again.

"Dario said I should just flutter my eyelashes to make somebody fall in love with me." Tim said.

"Aha. And who's this special one you want to make fall in love with you?"

Tim's eyes evaded but slowly returned. "You."

Maxim's face held a grin. He leaned forward, pressing Tim's back to the stove. "Then what you're waiting for. Flutter." His lips met Tim's and with a little sigh Tim gave in, opened his lips and in no time they were engaged into a wet and demanding kiss.

Moritz wanted to say bye and peered through the door. Seeing them made him grin so he just quietly closed the door and went away.

Maxim's mind reeled. What was he doing here? He broke the kiss and stared into Tim's eyes, though still holding his body close. "Do you think me shallow? Superficial?"

Tim shook slowly his head. He was too stunned to speak.

"I'm confused. I need..." Maxim turned and released Tim. "I don't know what I need. A partner who I can trust, and above all one who is honest with me. After all the time with Chris I'd like... I'd like..."

Tim took his arm and forced Maxim to look at him. "What do you like?", he said softly.

"Have you had many lovers? Growing up in Berlin you must have had. I think I've had enough of sex for a while", Maxim said low and bent his head.

"Enough of sex?"

"There's more than just sex."

"It means you don't want to hop into bed with me right now?" Tim sounded insulted but his face betrayed his words. Actually he was relieved for it would had have made him reel, and he wanted to make it special, once Maxim really decided to go for him. "I'll wait for you until all eternity", he said. "I know you, I know you're worth it. Just don't go back to Chris, I couldn’t take this."

Maxim shook his head. "I promise." He planted a coy kiss upon Tim's lips. "Thanks for opening my eyes. Now, what's with the sausages?"

Nadine saw the change at the first glance. Not enough that they came together, their eyes sparkled. Maxim filled her in with the news and she was delighted. "You know, I never told you, but from the very moment on I saw him I had the feeling you wouldn't fit well together. But what would have been the use of telling you? Probably I would have lost you as friend." She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. Maxim reciprocated but nonetheless it was all a bit too fast for him. Everybody seemed so relieved. It looked as if Maxim really had made a big fool of himself. But all of their tales - Gregor's, Philipp's, and his own - had put Christian's character together, and Maxim felt his feelings for Chris gradually begin to cool down with each hour he was apart from him.

Calm days followed. Philipp had said his parents would be on holiday in a couple of days, and he would move back into his old room and Maxim back into his old flat. With Gregor's persuasion he even was determined to have his coming out.

It was the last week of September and the most pleasurable season of the year started: the "old-women's summer". The sun stood low over the horizon and sent her golden beams over the earth, in the forests and the cobwebs floated through the mild air like the grey, fine hairs of an old woman.

From Christian Maxim had heard nothing. He tried to phone him but there was no answer. Then he had tried his office and Sonja had denied him. After a break of silence, Sonja had added that Christian didn't want to talk to him. She stated Christian had explained that they had a severe quarrel which both - he and Maxim - had to figure out. Then when Maxim wanted to pick up his stuff he couldn't use his key card. He was locked out. He then had to plunder his credit card for new clothes. He wouldn't live only from Tim's stuff. He missed the birthday gifts from his friends for he hadn't read all the books yet. He missed his icon and his music. The plants from his granny, which stood forgotten on Christian's terrace. He wondered if Chris was watering them. He would like to give Christian back the ring and the watch from Paris. He felt he couldn't wear it any longer.

Tim and he still shared Tim's flat, and Maxim remembered his wish to spent a week with Tim to figure out who was easier to live with. It certainly was Tim. After the incident in the kitchen a week ago neither of them had made any attempt again. It was like a silent agreement not to force the very fragile little flower of lovingly affection. For Maxim it was just soothing. He could be himself without being asked where he would go and when he would come back. Oddly enough this freedom made him cling more to Tim and his stable household. They went together to Joost's performance and attended an open air concert at a romantic stage which sat in a forest. He had bought cat's toys and bowls and a basket with fluffy blankets although Coco mostly preferred to share the couch with him at night, almost like in the old days.

It was a brilliant Sunday morning when Tim suggested a trip. Neither of them owned a car so they used the train and bus. The Teufelssee [Devil's Lake] was a relatively flat lake among the wide forests surrounding the town, partly to be walked on with paths of wooden planks. It was like a black eye in the moor. Reeds, forget-me-nots and duckweed lined by dead alders and birches, fallen into the water. The leaves of oaks and maples started to turn their colours. A light haze lay over the water's surface.

"There's a sunken castle on the ground with a princess", Tim said low. "The devil wanted her but she didn't want him. Each year on St. John's day the castle comes up, and the princess decorates her dress with marsh marigold. You just have to wait and see."

Maxim grinned. "I don't want to wait for a girl, do you?" His fingers entwined with Tim's. "Not even when it's a princess."

"There's a nature's training path leading around the lake and further on through the wood", Tim continued. "At least it was there the last time I was here. As child I was often here with my parents and I celebrated Jugendweihe here."

"Jugendweihe?" Maxim asked.

"The mundane version of the catholic confirmation. The entrance to your adult life. We were fourteen."

Ah yes, in Russia they had a similar festivity. "And you celebrated here at the lake?" To Maxim it sounded like a secretive initiation. Torches and all.

"No." Tim laughed. "Over there in the restaurant. Let's see what it looks like now."

Tim's fear was confirmed when they stood at the desolate building. He cursed. Fern, young birches and weed had conquered the ruins now with peeling paint and smashed windows. The neon signs with the letters "Teufelssee" hung low. It looked lost, the terrace of broken stone plates, a rusted grill, no bratwurst to sell anymore, no lemonade, beer, coffee and cake.

"What happened?" Maxim asked.

"The usual thing." Tim sighed. "After the political turn the state restaurants were left to fend for themselves. Often they didn't find a private investor, or if they did, they went bankrupt very soon. People discovered the places in West-Berlin. "Test the West", you know. Nobody cared about the places here any longer."

Tim's heart bled when he remembered the good times spent here. "You shouldn't return to the places of your childhood", he muttered. Maxim beside him stroked his hair, a brief, soothing gesture.

"I was fourteen and sometime while being served the venison and red cabbage I fell in love with the waiter, a dark haired, black eyed guy who didn't return my stares. But I was confused and electrified at the same time."

Maxim was silent. A lonely children's carousel under the trees sat waiting for better times.. How could they give up such a romantic place?

"My father told me later my behaviour made him think about himself. He sort of concluded relatively quick that I was gay and supported me." Tim looked at Maxim. "I was fifteen when I had my first experience with another boy. But what do you consider as "having had many lovers". Ten, twenty, a hundred?"

"Something in between", Maxim smiled. "It doesn't matter."

"Let's walk up to the Müggelturm. It's a beauty spot and has a restaurant too. Or it did have. I've heard it was closed, but the outlook is breathtaking all over the lakes and rivers and forests." Tim sniffed. "And it smells like mushrooms!"

Maxim followed him over the planks leading over the lake, and the slightly muddy way along the shore, up a way through the woods. Tim vanished occasionally and gathered ceps, redcaps and chanterells into his rucksack.

"Look, there's toadstools", Maxim pointed to the little ones with their white sprinkled red hats. He showed Tim a lot of mushrooms he never thought eatable. "Granny taught me all about these."

"Alright. I hope we'll survive them", Tim said mischievously, also gathering them into his rucksack. He stood close to Maxim; the hair on his forehead was sweaty and his cheeks glowed. He looked so healthy, in a way Maxim hadn't seen him before. Tim's grin vanished and Maxim knew he waited for a sign from him. A sign that there was more than friendship from his side. But still Maxim wasn't ready. He was sure he could be happy with Tim, but the thought of making love with him frightened him. He didn't want any physical contact. Not yet. He couldn't. But how could he explain without hurting Tim? Almost unknowingly he reached out and took Tim's head between his palms. He kissed his cool lips very lightly and leaned his head against Tim's forehead. "You know I like you", he whispered. "More than that. Give me time, will you?"

Tim didn't need to tell him; Maxim read it in his face. "All the time in the world", he whispered back. "I'm happy to know there's a chance for me."

Maxim smiled wistfully and nodded. He took Tim's hand in his.

After climbing up a lot of small stairs, set up into the forest's ground, they reached the stony tower and the area of the restaurant. It was a sad remains of the large one, at least some counters were opened and a few people gathered around it, old pairs and young ones with little kids, licking ice cones. Tim didn't bother with them but showed him the outlook. Maxim stood and was silent. A devastatingly wide, hilly area was taken by green, yellow and red trees alternating with coniferous forest. Rivers snaked through them, blinking in the sun. White sails of boats gleamed in the distance and wide, wide afar was the grey haze of the city. "Beautiful", he mumbled.

"Did you have a great time in Paris?" he suddenly heard Tim asking, not knowing where this question came from right now. He closed his eyes and started to think. Yes, it was fine. Or was it? "You know, actually I start to question everything Christian was doing. Do you know that he gave me drugs during our last night?"

"In Paris?"

"No, here. The night before, the night I didn't return. I found out perchance. He probably felt I didn't want to sleep with him and manipulated my senses."

"Surely you didn't want to", Tim responded. "He had hurt you."

"Yes. Well, Paris.... I was often alone and I now think it would have been more fun to be in Paris with you. He had to work." He gave Tim a deep look. "We shared our first night together there. You know what he did? When he came he had Philipp's name on his lips. Not my name." Maxim's voice was bitter. "I wonder if he did it just to hook me?"

Tim pondered for a while. "That was a dangerous game then. You forgave him?"

"Of course I was insulted and very hurt, but he told me he couldn't forget Philipp. Then I doubled my effort to get him completely. You see?"

Tim nodded. "What a sick mind."

"Yeah, he's a big manipulator. But still... there were moments when I was completely bewitched by him. Perhaps it was just my usual habit of being in love with him. You were right, the man I loved didn't exist."

They said nothing for a while. Just looked. The wind was playing with their hair and somehow it was like saying farewell. But still they had each other.

"Let's go back", Tim said finally. Then he listened and turned. He had heard something very close. Steps behind them. But there were just people coming in their direction, wanting to enjoy the outlook. Shrugging, he took Maxim's arm and returned. But Maxim stopped him at the counters. His mouth watered by the smell of roasted sausages. "I'm hungry", he said, buying two of them and giving one to Tim. Furtively Maxim asked chewing "Why do you have problems with eating? You look good enough as you are. Except you've lost weight again before I moved in with you."

Tim chewed silently. "I know I'm not the cutest guy in the world." He said finally. Maxim laughed out loud. "Oh no, Timmy. You're the cutest guy I know."

Tim didn't laugh with him but gave him a sinister look. "Don't kid me. I have a mirror."

"Sure you have, but you're blind." He felt, he should kiss Tim right here and now; take him into his arms and show him how desirable he was. He hoped one day not all too far away he would be ready to show him.

"So you think you should compensate your "not cuteness" by eating nothing to match the models on the catwalk, eh?" Maxim dropped the paper napkin into a trash bin and started to tickle Tim playfully. Against his will Tim laughed with him. "You don't think I'm too fat or too thin?" He saw Maxim saying no vehemently. "Stop trying to please your lovers and be yourself", Maxim said, "Be Tim Wendlandt, the most adorable, witty, clever, intelligent, warm-hearted and successful author."

Tim blushed, and Maxim leaned against his side. "Right. Turn my head", he murmured into Tim’s ear. "I do like you the way you are." His lips brushed Tim's cheek. Then he took his arm and pulled him behind, the way back they had come, down through the forest again.

Tim had occasionally the feeling someone was following them. But of course they were followed by walkers like themselves, families and pairs. But still he had a queasy feeling in his stomach and didn’t know why.

"Do you like mushroom's omelette?" Tim asked Maxim, standing on the platform, waiting for the train to bring them back into the city.

"Yeah, with scrambled eggs and parsley", Maxim said, a little absentminded. He fought with himself what to do. When he moved back into his old flat he would urgently need his stuff. He had to try harder to get in contact with Christian although he feared it. On the other hand he had begun to get accustom to Tim’s presence and he would miss him. But a few days or more apart from him would allow him to sort out his feelings.

He heard the train rolling into the stationn. It was that very minute when he saw Tim beside him sway and stumble forward, directly towards the train. Tim wind-milled his arms, his upper body toppled over, pulling him forward and Maxim saw him like in slow motion smashed on the tracks, his body torn by the sharp rails. In a split-second he grabbed, snatched Tim's rucksack and pulled him hard to his own body. He heard the outcry of several people surrounding them. "What're you doing, Tim?" The train's draught made their hair flap and Tim's knees gave way. Maxim caught him. "Someone has pushed me!"

"What?" Maxim looked around, but amid the people he couldn't find a dubious face.

"No, you stumbled", Maxim said and dragged Tim into the train.

"No", Tim insisted. "There was a push in my back! I felt it."

The doors closed and the train rolled out of the station. Tim began to tremble. His eyes were large and searched the wagon. Maxim took his hand and stroked it. He didn't know what to think or do. Drops of sweat began to appear on his forehead, and his breath became laboured.

"It was an accident", Maxim soothed him. He put an arm around Tim's shoulders and held him. What a shit. The day had started so wonderful. He still didn't believe him. Who would push him on the tracks in front of a train?

"Don't tell at home, please?", Tim said with shaken voice. "I don't want them to be worried."

When they arrived home Tim had calmed down, he was still pale but just around the nose and still irritated. Moritz and Tobias were out and they had the house for themselves. Tim was quiet when he cleaned the mushrooms, putting part of them aside for the others and put the rest into a pan. He certainly had felt the push in his back. Fingers belonging to a hand, firm but brief. Well, there was enough maniacs running around who would find pleasure in doing this, but... He shook his head, debating silently with himself. Maxim didn't know what to say. He made the scrambled eggs and they had a silent meal. After a while Tim was calm enough to enjoy it and the incident at the station faded away.

"Tomorrow Phil will move", Maxim said when they sat in front of the TV like an old pair of shoes, watching a criminal show.

"Yes. You can return then. Are you happy?"

"Well, actually no." Maxim grinned. "I've gotten use to our long evening talks."

Tim smiled sadly. It really seemed as if Maxim would remain nothing more than a friend to him despite all the kisses. But then... hadn't Maxim asked for time? Told him he more than liked him? How long should he wait then? He sat slumped seemingly folded in the corner of his couch with the sun and fresh wind making him tired. His eyes fluttered and soon he was asleep. He awoke to a pounding heart and dripping in sweat.

"What is it?" Maxim asked concerned.

"Bad dream." Tim stood up and vanished in the bath. Maxim sighed, turned off the TV and started to prepare his bed. Annoying work each morning and evening. While he was in the bath he pondered about Tim's assertion somebody had pushed him. He still couldn't believe it. Though he certainly had seen Tim's stumbling down to the tracks, and he had hardly been able to hold him.

Tim was laying in bed on his stomach, reading. "Will you move tomorrow then?"

"The day after I guess." Maxim sat at the edge of the bed and looked down on him. "Are you alright?"

Tim nodded not very convincing.

"Make a little room for me." Maxim said suddenly, following his feelings. Stunned Tim slid to the other side and Maxim climbed into his bed. "Just in case you're having nightmares", he said and turned off the light. The pillow smelled like Tim - a little for Baldessarini. Maxim breathed deeply. What an intoxicating scent.

"Why do you think Christian has vanished?" Tim asked.

"He wants to punish me."

Tim laughed. "while it's you who had all reasons to punish him."

"Right. He has an odd conception of justice."

"Yes, he has." Tim said sleepily. Maxim next to him in his bed was the right thing to feel. As if he had always been there. Coco came on silent feet and crept under the sheets. Both sensed it and smiled.

Tim was naked under the blankets. And Maxim slipped off his briefs after a while and slid closer. Both looked at each other with big eyes but never dared to touch. Until Tim's arm reached out and pulled Maxim to his body. They entwined their limbs, felt their cocks erect against each other's thighs but neither of them moved. It was overwhelming. And so both fell asleep almost immediately.

They still were mingled with each other when Maxim awoke in the morning. He watched Tim sleeping, the silent breath, his brown hair with the blond strands over his eyes. Maxim stroked him. He would give a lot to start new with Tim. Light-hearted and happy. But somehow Christian had destroyed it.

Without making noise he climbed out of bed and vanished in the bathroom. He left the door open, so he could see that Tim awoke and looked for him. Naked he rose and smiled innocently. Maxim fought an erection though why he did it, he couldn't explain. Tim was slender but perfectly build, long elf-like legs full of grace, the feet small, the hips boyish and his genitals matching the perfection of the rest of his body. Others might think him thin or whatever, but Maxim didn't much value appearance anymore. He did it long enough. He too long had been blinded by Christian's looks. His aura of an unblemished diamond. Tim was dark, and he wasn't unblemished. But he was genuine.

Tim still stared into Maxim's eyes, brushing his teeth, then he entered the bathroom, and while passing him, pressing a kiss into Maxim's neck. Maxim's eyes followed him as he entered the shower.

Martin had gone on his vacation, Philipp said when they arrived at noon in the bookshop. "He has met a guy who invited him."

"Oh, really!" Maxim was surprised. "What a crap. Had I asked him earlier."

"What about?"

"About the last piece in Christian's history I miss still."

Philipp examined him silently. "Why do you want to know? Now that you've finished with him."

Maxim sighed. "Don't know. Perhaps I like things really finished. And I like to understand. Don't you?"

"For me there was never a reason to know. I wasn't suspicious. But if it makes you happy I can ask Martin. But don't be too sure he will tell me."

"That's a start. Thanks."

"Oh, by the way, Luan will be back", Philipp said, "but just to dissolve his life here and to return to his family in Vietnam. I'm really sorry for him. Well, we thought about a second reading here? We all could read from our favourite books, what do you think? Take entrance fee of course which will be exclusively for Luan."

"Great. I'll go for it."

Maxim wouldn't return to Tim's flat today. He was sad about it. Tim's presence had helped him a lot during the hard times and after yesterday's incident Tim needed him more than ever. But it didn't help. He wouldn't make use of his hospitality for ever. And they would see each other every day at the book shop.

Philipp waited for him in his old flat before he said good bye. "Now we are two", he said. "Having left Christian. Have you heard from him?"

"Not at all. Do you know why I can't use my key card to his apartment?"

"Maybe he has changed the number. What about his office?"

"They deny him. Sonja said he has something to figure out. But I need my stuff."

"Well, there's nothing better than to lay in wait for him then."

Maxim had to grin and shook his head. "Bugger it. Seems as if he wants me keep me on tenterhooks until he thinks it's time for a talk. I hadn't thought he would let me go so easily."

Philipp watched him silently and with a pretty strange feeling in his guts. He wasn't so sure that Christian had given up so unproblematic and easily. He crooked his head and asked "Has he told you he loves you? I mean he carelessly handle those few words. And I'm convinced he mean what he says, you know. While it's normally to experience the big love in your life just one or two times he's able to feel it with each new man." Philipp bent down to take up Coco who was rubbing up against his legs. "I just want you to see things right. He won't give up until you definitely tell him you hate him and you don't want to have anything to do with him again. And even then it will be hard. You shouldn't be alone with him."

"But why? Why is he so ... self-centered? Why can't he accept others opinion? Other's feelings?" He paused. "And I don't hate him. He's... just not the one I thought he would be. It was a mistake."

"Right. And he will let you bleed white for this mistake. He thinks you've played with him."

Maxim paled. "You frighten me. Why haven't you said all this much earlier? Before it started to get serious."

Philipp pulled up his brows. "You wore rosy glasses. Have you ever tried to talk out somebody's love? It's impossible. And we all agreed there WAS a chance that Chris had changed. At least during the time with me he hasn't raped me nor hit me. It was just always exhausting to bear his mistrust and spying. Although... me myself, being that much in love, didn't bother seriously."

"He actually claimed that it was him who finished your relationship, you remember his accusation?"

"Sure I do. That's him. He twists and turns the truth when he needed it. But enough of that. As I said, you shouldn't meet him alone and when you're ready to pick up your stuff I'm there."

Maxim smiled. "Gregor?" he asked.

Philipp smiled back. "I guess I'm in love again."

"Good."

Philipp stroked Coco for a last time and put him then into Maxim's arms. "I'll miss this little fellow. And what about Tim? You must have noticed how love sick he is."

"I have", Maxim answered, winking. "There must be something done for it. Very soon."

"Does he know?"

"I'm sure. Although... I can't change my lovers like sheets."

Philipp had gone and Maxim was about to occupy his old flat again. In his bedroom he saw the dried red rose from the Christopher Street Day. The one Tim had caught for him. Philipp had put it into a small vase. It still carried a dusty-sweet scent. Coco had vanished to the balcony, where he lay outstretched upon a chair in the afternoon sun. Maxim asked himself whether to ring at his neighbours when it rang at his own door.

Maxim's stomach was on fire instantly. His thoughts raced. His heart beat in his throat. Christian stood in front of the door, good looking as ever. A motorbike helmet dangled from the crook of his arm.

"May I come in?"

Maxim forgot Philipp's warning and stepped aside. Without making small talk Christian sat into an armchair and started to talk. "I know you wanted to reach me. Sorry for that. I had to think." He paused and licked his lips. "You have a glass of water for me?"

"Sure. That is, I must see if there's any."

"Ah yes, of course. Philipp's gone, I've seen him. I hope he didn't make a mess with your bed. Must have been dozens of his fuck bodies here."

Maxim stopped in his movement. There was the old embittered, nasty undertone, he hated so much. He decided quickly it was better not to comment this. But then something struck him. "You laid in ambush again? You're well informed."

Christian grinned slyly. "You don't think seriously I would miss something that concerned my lover? Just because we were apart for a few days doesn't mean I have stopped loving you." Big, diamond clear eyes tried to hypnotize him. Maxim shook himself and went into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and noticed surprised that it was filled to the brim. Water, wine, juice, cheese, eggs, salami, salads. He must give Phil the money tomorrow. Then he froze. If Christian had spied after Philipp he had probably spied after him too and knew about his and Tim's weekend trip. He remembered Phil's words to be careful and mustered up his courage.

He placed the bottle and glasses upon the table and sat down in the farthest corner of the couch. Far enough from Christian who doubtlessly got the message. "Thanks", he said.

"I need my stuff", Maxim said cool before Christian could continue.

"Your stuff?" Christian asked dismayed. "But I'm here to take you home with me. Everything you need is at home. Your piano is waiting as well. Have you been to Made in Heaven again?"

Maxim laughed shortly. "You know that I wasn't."

"Do I?"

"I'm sure of. Listen, Chris, I'm not coming back to you. By all means not for good but just to pick up my stuff."

Christian started to get greenish around his nose. Maxim thought he was really a brilliant actor.

Christian took the glass and finished it in a long gulp. "Ok. Probably you need more time. I said already I'm sorry for having hurt you the other night. It's because I'm so crazy about you. You make me get out of control."

"Pah! Don’t say it was my fault! And it isn’t about that night. I ... I have made a mistake."

"Mistake?"

"Hell, no." Maxim started to get angry. "You've made a mistake! You claim to love me and fuck with Gregor. Ok, I could forgive this, but I can't forgive your intention. Your reason. You've threatened Gregor not to tell me about your mutual past, about your fights, about your scar under the hairline, about his scars." Maxim leaned forward. His eyes flashed. "About the "accident" of his broken skull and about your charge of manslaughter."

Christian sat like a statue, white and unmoving. When he spoke his voice was brittle and very controlled. "Ok. You know it. It would have been a surprise if little Gregor had held his pert mouth." He raised his hands. "I confess. Everything's true. But consider my real intentions. I wanted you to be happy with me. Why do you have to know about my past? When Gregor told you about our past then he certainly must have told you about my psychological treatment. I'm now in control of everything. Don't I do everything you want?"

Maxim stared disbelieving, because Christian was convinced of that what he was saying.

"It was a fine day yesterday, wasn't it", Maxim said suddenly. "Tim showed me the Teufelssee where he celebrated Jugendweihe."

Christian shot him a wary look. "Don't try this, Maxim. I have no clue about a restaurant at a Teufelssee."

"No? But you know there IS a restaurant. Ok, enough of that game. I know you're spying on me. When have you started with that? At our very first day?" He shook sadly his head. "It could have been great with both of us. But it doesn't work when one partner wants to rule the other."

"And when exactly did you find out all this, eh? That's just bad insinuations of your so-called friends. Can't you see what they are doing with you? Tim tries everything to get you for his own, and Phil is just pissed off because he envies you, my body and my money, so he trickles poison into your mind, and Gregor does it for the same reason."

Maxim closed his eyes. He couldn't hear it anymore. "You're repeating yourself", he said low. "I don't want to hear it any longer. When can I pick up my stuff then?"

With one smooth motion Christian was beside him, painfully taking his shoulders. "I said I love you!" Seen from close up his eyes were white with a silver, steely shimmer, cold and sharp as a razor blade. How could such eyes be talking about love?

"Don't you see the reason why I concealed my past? I feared to lose you which is exactly what is happen now, and you ask me why I haven't told you? I wanted a chance. A chance with you, to start a new life. Now all of your friends have destroyed it.' His eyes were now pleading. They were soft and glistened with tears. "Don't condemn me. You are all I have."

Maxim's stomach was on fire again. He was about to give in. Nobody could touch his gentle heart this way without breaking it instantly, but he could hardly handle pressure. He couldn't live with Christian just because he felt pity. Christian was an exciting and challenging man - but not for Maxim. Chris had to find a partner who was on his level and someone who would hit back; with whom he could trial his strength. Maxim had tried and failed.

Christian took Maxim's hands and pressed them, before he looked down on them. "You don't wear my ring anymore?" he said bitter. "I do still. Please, give me another chance."

Maxim longed for Tim. He had never pressured him, never forced a decision and he had things in his brain other than just sex and money. "Ok", he said aloud. More to get rid of Christian.

"Good." Christian rose. "Are you coming then?"

"Whereto?"

"Home", Christian said astonished.

"I said I'll give you time. And me, I need to think."

"But you had all time in the world!"

"I need more."

Christian was getting impatient. "Heavens, what do you want? I love you and you love me. You said so." He sat down again. "Remember all the good times we had. I'll make you happy, you'll see." Suddenly his eyes were wary again. "Or have you played with Tim? Is it him? You've spent a fairly long time with him. And," he neared his face to Maxim's, "you lived at his house. What happened there?" Christian took Maxim's shoulders again and shook him slightly. "You say you love me and then fuck around with Tim? I always knew so."

Maxim had an overwhelming urge to laugh. He freed himself and stood up. "That's laughable. Jesus Christ, Christian! Do you know what you're saying? For you it's everything about sex. You solve problems with Gregor in sleeping with him. In the same breath you accuse me of doing the same with Tim. I can't live with you if you're this way. It's much too exhausting." He turned his back on him and faced the balcony. Coco sat lurking upon the table, watching both. His tail swung dangerous low over the table as if he was about to jump and scratch out Christian's eyes. His cat was right. Maxim turned. "I need my stuff. The icon, books, CD's, clothes, the plants. And you can have this back."

He went over into the bedroom and came back with a small parcel. It carried the ring, the cellular phone and the watch. "I'm sorry Chris. I can't anymore. It was really a mistake. I'm sorry to have followed you and made you believe I was in love with you." He tried to stroke Christian's hair but he jerked his head away. Maxim sighed. "I was in love with you. Perhaps I'm still. But there's nothing more. It can't grow. You're killing my personality."

This time Christian's eyes were veiled when he looked up. A thin grey veil over the pupils of his eyes. His voice was firm though. His fingers clutched the parcel. He knew what was in there. "Ok", he said. "Tell me when do you want to pick up your stuff."

"Will you help me?"

"No. I don't want you to go, so why should I help you? Call me."

Maxim heard the slamming of the door. He stood in the middle of the room, frozen to the ground and his head was empty. Without thinking he took the phone and dialled Tim's number.

"I made it", was all what he said and Tim understood instantly.

"Shall I come over?"

"No. Could you please tell Phil I need his help with my stuff? And perhaps you? Tomorrow?"

"Sure, gladly. Well, you'll see us tomorrow anyway."

"Um, I'd like to have some days off from work. You think it's possible?"

"Wolfgang will understand when I'll explain."

Maxim's heart pounded by Tim's soothing and calm voice. He was the more mature of both, he realized. Not that headless. After being silent for awhile Maxim started to smile to himself. Rubbish. When he had met Tim he WAS headless. He was sort of hysterical and was permanently in love with the wrong man. Probably all of them had grown up during the past months. "Thanks, Timmy. I miss you. But I need to be alone now, you understand? I'll call you tomorrow for a meeting later, ok?"

Having that out of the way he plopped upon a chair, standing on the balcony. His body caught the last diagonal beams of the sun. Coco crept from the table into his lap and started to purr. Maxim was thankful for his warmth. He sat there, not able to think. He had really made it and Christian hadn't tried to rape him nor did they fight. Why should Chris always follow old patterns. His mind started to wander while he leaned his head against the back of the chair. Chris was very well informed. He knew that Phil had moved out and that Maxim had moved in again. He knew that he lived in between with Tim. He knew where they had been Sunday. Hell, he must know then about the incident at the rail station. Maxim tore open his eyes. In consequence it must have been HIM who almost pushed Tim over the edge of the platform!?

No, he wouldn't do this, would he? Christian wasn't a murderer. Maxim took the cat around the belly and jumped up, rushed into his bedroom to search for Tim's novel. He found Killing me softly and leafed through it. There it was. Carsten had ended his life on the tracks of a railway. Apparently Chris had finished the story finally. Maxim was stupefied. He went back to the balcony, the cat still over his shoulder, and sat down.

"Hello sweetie", he heard from the neighbour's balcony. Rainer was leaning over the balustrade and so he could see Maxim. "Back?"

"Yeah. Right now." Maxim still couldn't get his brain working. He stared silently at his neighbour.

"Having trouble? Phil's told us you were living with your colleague for a while. What's with that stupendous looking blond guy?"

Oh dear, if Rainer would say one more word Maxim would break into tears. And who was the hysterical one now? "Over", he stammered.

Rainer cursed under his breath when he heard Maxim's weak voice. He vanished from the balcony and rang a minute later. Maxim opened and Rainer took him into his arms. "Hey, what's happened? I've never seen you this way."

"There's a first time for everything", Maxim muttered at Rainer's shoulder. This man was a good substitute for his father he thought briefly. Why not tell him everything? "It's not about Christian. I mean, I don't cry because of him. It ... it was all a bit too much lately."

Rainer rocked him in his arms until he finally said "Fancy a dinner later? I've cooked too much as usual and you know Joost's always on diet. He has brought dresses from the costume rental and doesn’t know which one he should choose. I'm sure you can help him out, can't you."

Maxim knew that Joost's dresses and costumes were usually made for himself exclusively, but since he made friends with Moritz and Tobias he rummaged in their shop.

"Yes, would like to."

Around midnight he returned to his flat, tipsy and consoled. The world was smiling again. It was good to exchange thoughts with the elder pair who had so much life experiences. Both had listened silently until he had reported everything that was to be told. They confirmed him in his decision to break up with Christian. Maxim felt much better than before. He then jumped freshly showered between the pillows of his bed and stretched out sighing. How long was it since he slept in his own bed? He turned and felt Coco at his side under the blanket. Did Phil bring his conquests here? he thought grinning before he fell asleep.

The next day he felt fresh and well rested when he called Christian for an appointment. He had expected resistance from his side but it went easily. He met with Tim and Phil at the Potsdamer Platz near Christian’s apartment. Maxim had to go into his office where he met Sonja and his other colleagues. Two elderly men examined him over their glasses.

Christian didn't smile when he met him. Silently he pushed Maxim into the lift and beckoned the others to follow as well. Tim and Philipp stared at him gloomily while they drove upwards.

"So you haven't thought twice, have you," Christian said low when he inserted his card and pressed numbers. "How can you forget everything we had?"

Maxim just rolled his eyes. "Give up your persuading tactics."

Tim looked around in awe when he entered the apartment. He saw the piano, the spiral staircase leading up to the terrace, the fire side and the heavy leather sofas. The large windows, overlooking Reichstag and other buildings. He followed Maxim up the stairs and got plants pressed into his arms. "That's the gifts from my granny", Maxim explained. "Self-grown." He stood for a while and absorbed the view for a last time. The exotic plants looked dried. Late sunbeams rocked themselves upon the blue water's surface in the pool.

"Chris has gone", Philipp said when they were downstairs again. "He doesn't want to see you anymore", he muttered. "Wow, you've painted the walls. Good idea. I always thought the room looked too naked", he grinned.

When he turned to Maxim his face was serious again. "I am worried. Chris is much too calm. I'd rather prefer it if he would rage. Watch yourself, will you?"

Maxim and Tim stared at him. "Chris knows everything. When you moved out of my flat, that I lived with Tim and about our trip on Sunday."

Tim instantly remembered his queasy feelings of being followed and consequently the accident with the train. Looking into Maxim's eyes he realized Maxim thought the same.

Philipp had started to pack books into cartridge boxes. Maxim beckoned Tim to the bedroom and opened the doors of the wardrobes.

"Wow", Tim muttered, looking at the bed and the music equipments, the white carpet and tasteful colours. "Don't you feel sorry to give up all this?"

Maxim stopped his actions and stepped to Tim. "I'd rather sleep with you in a hay stable than here with Christian", he said low. He wrapped his arms around Tim's body and felt him reciprocating. They stood tightly embraced, feeling each other's heart pounding.

"Then why don't you do it?" Tim whispered.

"Do you know a hay stable?" Maxim answered and loosened his body from Tim's. Both grinned. "Wait for me, Timmy. I want to be with you completely. I need a clear mind first."

Philipp cleared his throat, standing in the door frame. "More stuff here?" he asked.

"Yeah, oh, before I forget it, I owe you money for the filled fridge."

Philipp grinned and waved off. "Book it under friendship."

Maxim was embarrassed but accepted. How good to have friends.

It didn't take long until everything was packed. At last Maxim threw the white rose, stuck behind the icon, upon the bed. Christian would find it there. As much as it hurt to give up his dream, Maxim was relieved. He invited both to stay the evening when they arrived at his home, but Philipp excused himself with having a date with Gregor.

"Martin will be back for the weekend, so if you're still interested in the past..."

Maxim nodded. "Try your best, I'd like to have this story finished."

Tim agreed to stay. He didn't know exactly why he did but he wanted to be with Maxim, even if he still didn't know what was going on between them. He could understand Maxim's reluctance to a certain extent, but nonetheless it was tugging at his nerves. He too liked clear fronts.

Coco rushed up on him, meowed distinctly and wanted to be taken up. Tim did what he wanted and enjoyed the obvious affection the cat was showing him.

"Very odd", Maxim said. "He has always been shy with another man, and now this." He smiled at both. "From the very first minute I should have listened to my cat", he said, suddenly light-hearted. "Now, what do you want to drink? We'll celebrate the end of a relationship!"

Tim grinned with him. "That's the first end I will celebrate. Wine? I don't think I'd fancy a cocktail again. Have you been to "Made in Heaven"? When will you go again?"

"Not for a couple of days I guess." He uncorked a bottle of wine and returned. It had started to drizzle and the day ended with gloomy, grey colours. It was too cold to sit on the balcony, so Maxim patted the seat next to him on the couch and Tim followed, his glass in one hand, the cat in another. "So, do you think the same about Christian? That he followed us Sunday? And ... do you think what I think?"

"The train? I'm not sure, Tim. I don't think he's able to do something like that. It takes a lot to kill somebody.....an attempt to kill you? I don't picture him like this."

"Your picture of him was wrong all the time", Tim reminded him. "What if he tries to do it again?"

Maxim sipped at his glass, pondering. "We can't be afraid for the rest of our lives. We can't always be waiting for another attack. After a while he will come to terms that it's over between us and find another victim. Oh gosh, if we could just could warn him." The absurdity of his words made him laugh. If he had decided it was over then it was over. He shouldn't waste a second thought of Christian Kramer. Leave the past ... as he was always saying. He leaned his head back. "You know", he started slowly, "all the time I thought my greatest wish had come true. Can you imagine to fancy a guy from far away for such a long time? I mean, not that I haven't had any adventures in between... I didn't sit and eat my heart out for him. But then there was a chance for me and I took it, and now I realize that I have wasted one year of my life just like Sascha did."

He looked at Tim again. "I'm afraid he has read the last story of your novel and understood it wrong. He took it as an encouragement and not as a warning." He remembered Christian naming Tim unimportant, little and nothing. He reached out his hand and took Tim's. "I'm glad you're here." He paused. "I think you should stay overnight."

"No", Tim said quickly. "I don't want to stay. You have to sort yourself out. Do I appear like a selfless angel? I'm not. But I don't want you when you aren't sure." He finished off his glass. "You've asked me why I have problems with eating. I have problems with myself. I don't accept myself as the guy I am. I know Christian thought me a jerk. Too ugly and uninteresting just to look at. Compared with you and him I am. No," he pulled away his hand, "don't try to deny it. I know what I am. That's the reason why I began to write. When you write you can be anyone or anything you want. You can be the prince of a fairy tale, the centre of attention or the hero of your beloved. But in the end it's just people I wrote about... well with the exception of that little fairy godmother." He winked.

Maxim smiled. "I liked her, or him. I wasn't sure in the end. Definitely though it was something unearthly. And you are certainly wrong with the description of yourself. You thought you could change your being when you follow the advices of your lovers, yes?" He shook his head. "That's not the way and that isn't what it is all about. Although I'm thankful all this made you write. Do you have plans for another book?"

"Actually the next story should be about the restless search for a man to trust, but I guess that's all too close to my real life. This time I need to write something different, something I haven't experienced so far."

"Real love?"

"For instance."

"What's there to write about?"

"That's the problem. Imagine the world would be as we want it to be. Everybody is nice to each other; there's no hate, no greed, no war, no hunger.... the world would be boring and without books. Novels I mean. Do you want to read about the daily life of a satisfied and happy family? I won't."

Maxim laughed. "You're right. The big themes of human life." He suppressed a yawn.

"Better I go now. Will you call me?"

"Of course. Every day." He accompanied Tim into the hall. "And take care of yourself. Be careful, you must promise me. And if you think something strange, call me instantly."

Tim nodded. Then he leaned forward and kissed Maxim. "I promise to wait. But don't let me wait too long."

Maxim regretted Tim's absence as soon as he had closed the door. What a jerk he was. But he couldn't change his spots. First he had to remove Christian from his mind.

He started the next morning with a complete rundown of his flat. He placed the plants upon the balcony, bought new ones, unpacked the boxes, and strolled through the town. At the start of October the sky was autumn-like pale, and a cool wind was blowing through the streets. He filled in his parents into the news of breaking up with Christian. His grandmother just smiled her mysterious gold-teeth smile. She had known it, she said. That man was haunted.

******

Christian ejaculated into his fist. He lay on his back in his bed, and stared at Maxim's face. He had forgotten to take the drawing with him. The one the painter did in Paris at Montmartre. How long was this ago? Four months? Just four, short months? And how could he go so easily without showing any sign of regret when he was once so mad about him, and so eager to sleep with him?

His fist pressed his penis and smeared the white cream all over the shaft. He was still hard. Maxim hadn't any clue how much of willpower it had cost him to resist his body. There, in the old days, when he started his game of prudery, pretending he needed time before he would jump into bed with him because he wasn't over Phil. Pah. Philipp was really nothing. Just the new man counted. And Maxim had made it that Christian was fire and flame for him.

The black, almond eyes stared at him from the drawing. The white rose, he had carelessly thrown upon the bed, Christian had saved. He had pressed it between a thick book as undying sign of a dead love. Maxim didn't want to come back, no matter how much he had tried it with good words. He didn't know what was good for him. Rather he preferred to spend the rest of his life in the dusty book shop and in his inferior, shabby flat. And to spend it with unimportant people like those ... that writer. He didn't dare to speak out Tim's name in case it caused uninvited ghosts to stir.

Maxim had saved Tim's life. It wasn't Christian's original intention to actually push Tim onto the tracks. This idea had come without warning. He saw the opportunity to get rid off him by scaring him. No regrets. But Christian wasn't a murderer. It was just a little warning.

His fingers moved over his cock and pulled on his testicles. He still was hard and there was nobody who could help him out. Maxim's tongue and hot mouth was unreachable for him. He cursed his job that didn't allow him to follow Maxim's steps. The only thing he could do was to lay in wait in front of his flat in the evening, to see if Tim would come there to spend the night. So far he hasn't. What did it mean? That Maxim was just too stubborn to realize he loved Christian and only Christian and nobody else? At least he was proud of his abilities in bed. Nobody could hold a candle to himself. Perhaps it was just a matter of time when Maxim would return into his bed. Return into his apartment to enjoy money and gifts again. The piano was still waiting. The terrace and the pool. The large, soft bed and Christian's body, all were waiting.