There and Back Again. - 5. Chapter 5: Wayfarer I: Untitled

1943

I would not have expected to conclude in something like this. Something so terrible; so extraordinary that, as I write this, the loaded gun in my drawer seems much more welcoming than continuing forward. I have compiled enough information, research and eye witness accounts to assess that we are indeed, as stated by other scholars, insignificant.

From further analysis, I read that They do not regard us as anything less than, well, nothing. They, you ask? Impossible to describe. I have not calculated the actual amount of 'Them' that exist, but, their presence is known only to those with a trained eye.

At first, I was skeptical. My studies in biology and the like had forced me to take nature walks usually in the brisk morning of most Sundays. As a second year university student, I required vast amounts of time to think and ponder.

While my tenure at the university was still intact. My most astonishing project came to me in December.

The winter was not as ruthless here as it was elsewhere, the air was cool enough to enjoy a scarf without one’s face being frozen. Your breath was a concentrated plume of cloud. There was a vast field a mile or so from the university where I would stroll from time to time. The mountain air would hang luxuriously between the trees, which I never was able to name properly. The tall trunks were skinny and the imprints of eyes upon the bark reminded me of Indians. The vegetation was sparse enough to walk between giving a grove like appearance.

I had noticed the plant by accident, mistaking it for some sort of fungus, albeit a beautiful fungus. The plant itself, I called Kesz later, was of a midnight tone. If I was in an explorative mood, I could say an orchid was the closest resemblance. The Kesz plant was soft to touch. When I first laid eyes upon it, I left and returned with various scholarly works to compare and even search for such a plant. Nothing existed to the like of the Kesz flower.

Its beauty was something to stare at for hours, which I think I had done at some point. I probably could have contracted frostbite if I had not noticed the sun slowly sinking into the gray horizon. The petals were large enough to be accepted as an arrangement one would put on a dinner table or perhaps a window-sill.

On the fourth day of observation, I decided to delve deeper into its purpose. I inquired at the botany department of such a specimen. They had no records. When they asked to see it, I feverishly attempted to keep it secret, only saying I saw it in passing. It was safely next to the gun in my desk drawer.

As books and resources failed, I would stare mindlessly at the beautiful purple flower, wondering at purpose. For a time I had forgotten altogether to smell it, but as a late night made me restless, paranoia feigned my desire to sniff upon those petals.

My crazed conclusion to consume the plant was final. My notions of 'nothing to lose' kept echoing deeply in my cranium. I took a clipping of a Kesz petal and began to fashion a tea. Grinding up the petal and administering them into the tea.

As I did this, I do not recollect "thinking" hard at all. My intentions were fueled by something that waded through the unknown. Unexplainable, even now as I write this.

Upon drinking the concoction which tasted only of tea, I waited for any phantasmal reaction. Sleep soon overcame me and I slept dreamless till I awoke the next afternoon.

My urge to stroll through the forest behind where I resided was paramount, so I attended to that urge. From the previous night, nothing had changed. My heart rate was no different, no signs of hallucinations, my innards were not churning to be brought up via my throat. As I neared the location of the Kesz flower in that grove, I began to conclude the consuming of the flower was a failure.

This assessment soon vanished as I witnessed something quite extraordinary. To compare it to anything in the living world was the hardest thing to wrap my thoughts around. People use comparison to become familiar, but when you stood in the misty morning, your eyes wider than the dim morn moon, the unknown was curled lavishly around that Kesz flower.

For an hour, I kept a paranoid stance of defense, unsure what it was. Was it an animal? Perhaps a human, or a phantasm of my Kesz flower. It was the size of an exotic feline, perhaps slightly larger. The body was a dull color of gray, the clouds above, and upon further inspection I would say that it resembled that of a lion. The onyx fur did not glisten, nor seem coarse from my distance. As it appeared to be in some sort of slumber, I approached slowly. My feet sliding across the moss and twigs, I made attempts to be respectful and quiet for fear it would leap and devour me in one fell bite.

The distance between the Kesz guardian and myself grew closer still and my view of it was clearer. The eyes were closed upon the lion like face, however, the maw of the beast did not exist. Without mouth, merely a muzzle. The closed eyes were large and there was no movement below to indicate dreaming, if it did in fact dream. My visual documenting was interrupted as soft hissing touched my eardrums. As the creature was massive, my eyes traveled down the finely toned haunches to a gigantic tail, similar still to that of a lion. The hissing however originated from the mane of the creature, which was not at all of fur but of slender ebon snakes. They writhed and moved, occasionally rising up as if to sense something. Their eyes glowed a deep red.

I was fascinated as to what it was, or what I would call it. A perverted gryphon perhaps? I would blame this fantastic happening on the Kesz flower, for there was no other explanation, as something like this could never exist here or in any other world imaginable.

I do recall when it first opened those eyes, those deep lightning eyes that stared through me. I had sat before the creature, my intentions to touch it mounting every second. Was it soft? Would the snakes attack? The paw of the creature was as large as my head, who would know how large the claws were. I had sat for hours, maybe days watching it slumber. The dark turned to the blush of day, then darkness returned once again, then day. Finally, the eyes opened and it stood up before me, a paragon of mightiness that I could not fathom even in that moment. My mind would explode, I was certain of this.

Those eyes, like thunderclouds, purple and raging with power. The snakes that were the mane of the lion-creature writhed and danced their serpentine ways. The lack of gaping maw of razor sharp teeth, charged with cutting venison and poultry alike took away the horror I would have felt in any other occasion. How did it eat? Did it eat at all?

Our joint vigil halted when it padded away from me slightly. I then first noticed the effect it had on the nature around me. Where those large paws padded, the soil below exploded with life for a moment, then slowly receded into that of plagued foliage. When it moved, the shoulder muscles flexing, like a titanic machine, the air stirred and it almost felt as if earth was but a tiny spec in a vastness I could not understand comprehend.

It turned, the large mane of serpents hissing and writhing as their master gazed upon me with those thunder eyes. I stood, as if it had put the very thought into my mind and followed. It padded softly through the forest, which below those large paws was reborn and thrown to death so suddenly. I had become accustom to the odd atmospheric changes the lion-creature produced. I noted from my watch, which had, at some time stopped working; be it before I had met the creature, or after I had been walking with it for hours.

Exhaustion never crept upon me, nor was I out of breath. The forest around us was silent, respectful, but to what? The sense of rolling serenity that washed over me was welcome, as when my mind wandered, some thought would toss me back into a sense of self satisfaction and acceptance; love; protection. Was it the lion-creature or merely my wandering mind?

In the same moments of thought, my elation over the euphoria I was feeling was stripped. Soon, I felt submissive, fearful.

Worshipping.

It stopped on a path that resembled the fall in Russia. My equilibrium was deteriorating, night was blurring with day.

The creature looked to me with those entropic orbs, biting away at my soul, snipping the threads of destiny around me and retying them with darker string. My eyes glanced at the snakes. At first, I resisted, but finally my hand rose and one of the snakes slithered around my arm, resting its scaly head against my palm. Crimson eyes glanced at me, was there a grin? Fangs sank deeply into my forearm.

I do not remember pain, there was none. I felt something in my veins, moving, morphing. Was it the lion creature? My head throbbed and in a moment, the forest about me dripped like ink. Seconds passed and the inky cloud removed itself to reveal snow.

I looked to my arm, ready to let my free hand graze over the wound. There was nothing. The lion-creature gracefully slid past me and turning with the beast I looked upon a large estate. My mind raced and I yipped aloud; the first sound I had made in...made in forever.

My own musings had not been aloud, they had been within my mind. While I pondered this, something tugged me, for what I do not know, but I followed the lion-creature as it moved up the drive toward the estate. The sun burst from behind a patch of clouds, illuminating the snow, blinding me for a moment. The creature was breathtaking: not monster, not beast, I settled for divine. It glittered; glowed, the snakes glistened in the sun, rippling, a river of cold blood.

I uttered a word aloud toward the creature, "Wait." My throat hurt, scratched, I had not had water in some time. It immediately turned to me. The eyes did not change, but I felt something press upon my mind. Annoyance, or perhaps curiosity. The moment I spoke, my want to speak outweighed anything else. I had so many questions, so many things to ask.

I was suddenly calm, my thoughts of otherworldly things were put to rest, for now. I remembered where I was. My grandfather’s estate, somewhere in Maine. I heard playful yells. Children. I sprinted past the creature, up the small hill. I halted, my breath was no more and I was unsure what to think initially.

I saw myself, perhaps fifteen years old, playing with my cousins. It was Christmas and I remembered the day. The creature soon passed me silently. I saw my mother, she would die that day. I saw the dark thing that lurked near here. It was shapeless, but I saw it. The creature was now near my mother, the snakes upon the mane writhed. The darkness receded only slightly.

"Why do you show me this?" I asked, my voice louder. The vision became blurred, the creature now peering into my eyes. I could hear the snakes breathing. The thundering eyes shifted, taking in my face. I could feel them. I tore my eyes away to find myself atop a structure, some city. It was bright There was smoke, screams, two gigantic spires falling away. I felt the death but could never see it.

"Where is this?" I asked the creature. The Russian lane was now around me, the crisp air of the forest took me back to reality. The creature was gone and I promptly began to vomit which continued constantly for the next few hours.

I woke to dusk and made my way back to my dormitory. I remember sleeping for some time, it had been a Sunday; I had missed my lectures. I attempted to explain to myself what I had seen, but it resulted in nothing. I discovered the Kesz flower in my drawer, perfect as if it had been finding nourishment all along.

I had questions, so many. I made another tea, drank. I brought with me however, water, pencil and a notepad to document what I saw. I went about my day normally, the sun set, rain fell and then stopped. The moment of realization that I had arrived in that reflective realm was when I looked outside. The rain had stopped indeed, suspended in midair. I rushed out of my dormitory hall into the droplets. They brushed along my clothing, like a curtain. I exploded in delighted laughter. What was this place?

The creature I had seen before returned, it moved from the shadows of the forest around my living space, the droplets sliding across its fur. It reached me and looked up. I gazed into those eyes, questions racing through my cranium. A snake came to life, rising up to stare at me.

"Do you want to show me something?" The tongue of the snake flicked and I took that as some sort of assent. Fangs sank painlessly into my palm and I found myself in a room, no larger than my dorm lodging. A young man sat at a table, scribbling, he was handsome and perhaps no older than myself. I gasped as, upon his desk was a flower; the texture familiar, the color, the same! I cried out, but the young man did not hear me.

"What is the date?" The creature was gone, had it left me alone in its own world? I scrambled around, my ligaments moving through objects as mist would air. Discarded in a waste pail was a newspaper dating to now, my present! "Creature of Kesz!" I asked, "Please, take me to this man! You wish me to go and I shall, oh please Great Lion!" I called to it, upon my knees as the boy scribbled something feverishly at his desk. A snake slithered through the cracks of the door and sent me back into the rain. I was drenched. My body shook with the cold bitter chill on the air.

The steps to my room were laborious, too much time it took to return my room. Once inside, I stripped off my clothes and slept for days longer only getting up to vomit. My weight had declined and I pondered who that young man had been.

Weeks had past since I last partook of the Kesz flower. I had objected to the usage, I was sluggish, it drained me. Yet when I looked upon it, it flourished and glistened; the epitome of beauty.

A knock at the door forced my first interaction with another human being in months. The door opened to show the young man I had seen in the vision. The young man brushed past me.

"Shut the door," he whispered. I did and looked after him. He carried a small leather book. "Here, take this. It means for you to have it."

"It, you mean the lion?"

"Yes." He whispered, filled with paranoia, yet his face remained handsome indeed.

"You must stay, I have so many questions. What is it? Where does it come from? This flower, what is it...?"

"They… it’s what I call them." the young man glanced at the bed and I motioned for him to sit.

"Tea?"

"No."

"They?"

"Yes, I wrote as much as I was instructed, but… something else comes. It is ... I cannot explain it," hands ran through thick blond hair; he was hysterical, "I have no idea what is reality. Don't do it. Things haunt you. It showed me things, my death...I saw how I was going to die!"

I was taken aback that such a beautiful creature would cause harm? "Why would it cause harm? I feel protected."

"Yes… it is...powerful. A great being. It gave instructions, I wrote something, I don't remember... check the book there. You are to finish it."

"What of you?" I asked.

"Nothing. I am nothing," he wept, "You will find this out."

"How? It speaks not to me, it only shows things, things that make no sense!" I was beginning to become frustrated. I glanced at the leather book, what mysteries did it hold?

"It only speaks to that which is worthy, but that is nothing! I've researched, questioned....." he whispers another word, "Sacrificed....to find no one is to par." He got up quickly brushing past me. "Good luck." He rasped. Slamming the door I hear his footsteps in the hall. They stop and muttering filled the corridor, a gun shot.

I rush out to see blood pooling below his handsome face. I vomit once more and then sleep, tortured by nightmarish visions of my own death.

After the nameless man’s death, I rejected the Kesz flower further. Soon months passed. It dwelled at the back of my mind, and soon the flower was atop my desk again. Beautiful. Eternal.

I drank the tea and waited. My room dripped away to the countryside path. There the creature lay in some sort of slumber. I sat down before it. With my notebook, I had remember to bring, I sketched it, took a detailed description of that visage. The leather book which the other man had left was of no use.

It was full of notes, sketches of other creatures seen while under the influence of this flower. He had noted the flower was called Cestak in the creature’s language, which it also noted could not be heard by humans. I concluded that this flower was, indeed a strong hallucinogenic; clearly making the unreal real, yet the notes seemed to span out. They gave instructions on how to appease such creatures, how to call upon them. One of the reoccurring themes was this Cestak plant.

I had found the names he had given the creatures, the lion and another, Gulretmizan had asterisk next to them. The word "EVIL" was bolded next to the latter name. A whole section was dedicated to the lion, "For a name, I could not make one. For it never spoke nor had a mouth to speak from. I believe it controlled thoughts or perhaps even reality as we know it. It holds so much power, that of which even Time is frightened." I glanced to the creature, the lion-creature, what was it? Something not of this world.

The notes further indicated that the creature was 'benevolent'. The deranged scholar went further to try and describe 'They', in the creature’s language 'They' were 'isk ulimon' an acting ruling council apparently. Or some sort of grouping. There were seven locations, two of which were inhabited by the lion creature synopsis and Gulretmizan.

The creature never woke, however I stayed to further read the notes. Further and further did I fall into this man’s crazy mind. He had begun to fashion the language his pantheon spoke, I continued and finished it. I soon slept and found myself in my room yet again.

Weeks past and I took more notes, researching, adding even editing. I finished the language which I called 'vel'zu'. It was smooth to speak, however, compared to other languages I had heard it matched nothing.

Soon I sought out the creature again and with this language I spoke. The eyes glittered now. I walked with it for hours, months, days. I inquired of humans, that is how it viewed them. I was returned with visions, answers, omens in which the lion-creature would respond. I had begun to transfer the notes to a new book, my own book.

I had reached the eerie conclusion that the lion-creature and whatever else existed beyond it were not caring for people. For humanity. It was a small print in the fabric of their vast quilt.

I had mustered up the courage to speak to it directly and in the tongue of 'vel'zu' I asked, "What may I call you?"

It turned to me, like times before and peered into my eyes. I was the follower, the supplicant. The weight of worship was something I had begun to welcome. The voice that resonated was monumental, as if the universe stopped to listen, as deep as thunder itself.

Bordeaka, the Hope Ender.