A New Life - 37. Drew's Journal 2

I had a great birthday! Plenty of clothes and presents, got this new journal from Keith too… Yeah that’s about it!

He’s tickling me! AAAAAHHHHAAAHAAAAAAAA!

Back to ya tomorrow.

September 1, 1997

Corey went home this morning. After a few hours of TV and video games, I went to talk with Keith. I gotta wonder, do I really love Corey? Do I love him the same way Prez and Keith love each other? Or am I just way too horny and enjoying the sex? Sometimes I feel guilty about it. Not while we’re doing it but later when I ask myself how I love him.

It’s weird. Before the other night, it was like we’d do stuff and stay awake till late at each other’s houses then go to bed. Then we’d wrestle around a little bit, getting boners and stuff but mostly we’d stay up talking. There was always something to talk about with Corey. Even when my eyes are way tired and closed, I’m still awake and talking. I could talk with Corey about Tay Hanson and he wouldn’t give me shit about it. Most other dudes are like, "Ugh! Don’t even talk to me about him!" Not Corey though. Corey knows more about Tay than I do! He’s really smart at school too.

He’s only 13 still! Shouldn’t I be the more mature one? He’s the one that keeps saying, "I love you Drew" all the time. Why can’t I say it? Keith thinks I’m just worrying too much. When Corey calls I’ll see if he’ll come over to talk with Keith and Prez.

September 2, 1997

Everything went great! There’s a difference in how Corey and I are thinking. He’s thinking short term, the next days, weeks and months. I’m thinking long term, months and years from now. That’s why I couldn’t tell Corey that I love him! Well, I’ve told him a couple of times now. Right now, today and for the foreseeable future, I do love him. I know I can’t wait till the next time I’m with him. I know that if I can’t be with him I’ll be calling or at least thinking of him and what we can do together. Guess I’m thinking a little bit more short term now.

Yesterday, we read all about gay sex and STD’s on the net. After a while, of searching and reading a bit, Keith and Prez checked on us. So many people are freaked out for no reason! The main way to get AIDS is from unprotected anal sex, which is something I’m not anywhere near ready to try. You can also get AIDS from oral sex, which is something Corey really wants to try but I’m a little bit scared of. It’s not getting AIDS that scares me. I mean, if I bite my tongue or have a fever sore in my mouth, then I just won’t do it. It’s just the idea of putting something that big in my mouth that scares me. Not that Corey’s that big but I always gag when the doctor puts a little bit of a tongue depressor in my mouth. Hurling chunks all over Corey would not be a good thing! All we have to do is think a little and be careful. It was great learning more about that stuff with Corey. It’ll be greater when we start acing tests in our Human Relationships class!

September 3, 1997

Back to school again. It’s better this year than last year but its still school. I’m thinking of joining the school newspaper or maybe trying out for the swim team. Corey gave me shit about that this afternoon. He thinks that I want to join the swim team only so I can see more dicks and butts! It’s not! Really!

"I swim pretty good," I argued, "better in a pool than in the ocean. Still, I’ve never had a lifeguard have to save me from a rip tide."

"Yeah," Corey teased, "but I’ll bet you wouldn’t mind being saved by one either."

I couldn’t answer that but a vision of a tall, hunky blond stud helping me ashore flashed across my mind and I smiled. Corey giggled his ass off.

I wonder if that’s normal? Not Corey… me. I noticed it was a dude lifeguard and not a babe I had imagined. I do like girls. Pictures of babes in magazines and stuff all have the same effect as the better looking dudes do but lately its dudes that are in my imagination. Does that mean anything? I wonder.

I talked with Keith and Prez about joining the school newspaper and swim team. Then I brought it up over dinner to the ‘rents. I was kinda worried they’d say one or the other at best since my school grades last year were about a B average.

My dad asked, "How long is the swim season?"

"Until Christmas break," I answered.

"And you’ll be able to keep up with regular school work?" My mom asked.

"I’ll try." I said, "I won’t know unless I try."

With that they both nodded and gave me permission. That was way too easy. I was stunned for a few there before I said, "Great, thanks!" and started chowing down again. Still I have to wonder why it was so easy. Maybe they liked the idea of me getting involved at school? I’ll never be able to figure out my folks.

September 4, 1997

This afternoon I stayed a little while after school to sign up for the school newspaper. Mr. Logan, the teacher that sponsors the club, handed me a color photograph. He then said, "Tell me about the scene. Write everything you see there."

Glancing quickly over the photo, I saw firemen and a building ablaze at night. Then I started looking closer and saw most of one fireman’s name. I counted the floors of the building on fire and noticed there were two fire trucks. Little by little, the scene came together and I started with a brief explanation of what I thought had happened, then did little interviews with some firemen, and wrapped it up with what I imagined was the outcome.

I’ll find out on Monday if I made it.

September 5, 1997

This afternoon Corey and I tried out for the swim team. The tryouts actually end next Friday. Besides learning that there’s a bunch of dudes that swim way faster than Corey or me, I also learned that the team practices would start at five in the damn morning! I don’t know if I can deal with waking that early.

During the tryouts and earlier, during gym class, I noticed something that I hadn’t noticed at all last year. Some of the seventh graders still don’t have any pubes! Weird. John’s almost two years younger than me and he’s got some pubes around the base of his dick. I guess last year I was too scared to pay attention. Either that or there’s an anti-puberty drug being passed around! Guess it’s too late for me! HAHAHAAA!!!!

September 7, 1997

After talking with Corey, Keith and the ‘rents this weekend, I’ve decided to blow off the swim team. Going to bed at eight and waking at four just isn’t for me.

September 8, 1997

I made the school newspaper! Mr. Logan told me that I had a great imagination and pulled more of a story from that photo than anyone else. Hearing that made me feel pretty good.

My main assignment is to cover our school sports teams but I can write other articles too, if I have time.

When I told Corey about it he smiled, hugged me and then said, "I don’t know if I like the idea of you hangin’ with football players."

I grinned, "Jealous?"

Without looking at me, Corey said, "I don’t know. More like worried, I guess." Then he looked at me and said, "Those big dudes scare me. All any of them would have to do is fall on me and I’d be squished dead!"

I chuckled and went over to him. Part of me really wanted to touch him, to reach for his hand or rub his shoulder or something. Hesitantly, I reached for his hand and said, "Most of those dudes aren’t as big as Keith or Prez."

Corey held eye contact but only shrugged.

"I’m a little bit taller and heavier than you," I reminded, and then asked, "Are you scared of me too?"

Grinning widely, Corey then shook his head saying, "I know just where to grab to get you off!" Then he started trying to grab my crotch, causing me to try and move out of his reach. Since I was off balance, he pushed me and I fell back, slid off the bed and landed on the floor. Instead of helping me up, he joined me on the floor and we started making out.

Making out is so rad! I really like when Corey lies on top of me. I still can’t stay like that for very long though because I start feeling confined and claustrophobic (had to look that one up to spell it!). Still its fun kissing and I can feel his dick get hard through our clothes.

September 10, 1997

Corey was over here earlier. He went home just before dinner. I finished eating and was ready to excuse myself when my mom asked me if everything was all right.

I said, "Sure," but she said that I seemed a little less chipper than I was earlier. While I formulated an answer, I noticed John was really shoveling food into his mouth, filling it to the point where he couldn’t say a word if he tried! That made me wonder. What he was trying to avoid saying? Was John spying on Corey and me? I thought he went to Tommy’s after school and didn’t get home until just before the ‘rents.

What was I supposed to say to my mom? Could I tell her I was thinking of Corey and that after we finished our homework we jacked each other off? I think NOT! Blame it on school, I thought and quickly explained some homework that we had worked on earlier. The next thing I know, I’m sitting at the dining room table with my math book and my dad re-teaching me what I already finished! ARG!

After dinner, Keith went over to Prez’s place for his birthday. I wonder what they’ll be doing? DUH!

Since my birthday, it feels like everyone is watching me. I can understand Keith and Prez watching since I told them what’s been going on with Corey and me. But what was John’s deal during dinner? And why did my mom think there was something wrong? And why did my dad silently listen and not say a single word about any of it?

I wish Keith had stayed home so I could ask him about this. This feeling really sucks! Everyone’s out to get me!

September 12, 1997

I stayed awake waiting for Keith to get home from work. Those feelings I had two days ago are the same today, maybe a little bit worse. Corey’s been trying to tell me its all my imagination. But then he goes and starts messin’ with the zipper on my jeans! Even he’s out to get me!

Finally, Keith came home. I followed him to his room and waited while he changed clothes. Then I told him what things seemed to be like for me lately.

Keith said, "You’re keeping a secret. Of course you’re gonna feel a little paranoid."

I had heard the word ‘paranoid’ before but didn’t understand what it meant until that moment.

Keith then told me a lot about how paranoid he was feeling last Christmas. Worse, spending time alone didn’t help make him feel any better. He’d just start tearing himself to shreds. Then he told me that if I kept the secret too long, then maybe I would get just as depressed.

Damn! What do I do? If I ever got caught naked with Corey, my face would explode! But the idea of talking to dad scares me just as much.

I’ve got a splitting headache now.

September 20, 1997

I spent the night at Corey’s last night. Even though we watched TV and played video games before dinner, he still knew that something was wrong.

His folks went to the movies after dinner. As soon as we were alone, Corey said, "Please tell me what’s wrong."

I told him, "I’m feeling paranoid, like every one is watching me."

"Why dude?"

I sighed and said, "Because we’re messin’ around with each other." Corey looked hurt and it killed me but I had to tell him the truth. "I like doing it, really!" I quickly said. Then I added, "But I want to do it for the right reasons, ya know?"

Wiping tears from his eyes, Corey said, "You know I really do love you?"

"Course! But I told you that I like girls too. I just haven’t gotten up the nerve to ask any one out. Its like I’m leading you along when I don’t know for certain."

"So what do you want to do?"

I grinned and said, "I want to stay here tonight, with you, alone in your bed. But I think I’d rather not have any sex for a while, at least until I figure some more shit out."

Obviously relieved, Corey inhaled deep and let out a loud breath. "I thought we were going to break up, ignore each other and treat each other like strangers."

Loudly, I said, "I could never do that dude! You’re my friend and I want to keep it that way. Just no sex for a while, okay?"

"My hand’s not broken. I guess we can do that, for a little while."

"Your not mad?"

"A little disappointed." Corey said. Then, after a long few moments, Corey asked, "Just talk to me okay, Drew?"

"Course I’ll talk with ya! Only you, Keith and Prez would understand."

We didn’t fool around at all last night. Corey will be here later tonight too. Abstaining (had to look that word up) is something that I really need to do. But it’s really hard to ignore your best friend’s woodie when you know that he’d really like you to touch it!

September 21, 1997

Today was Keith & Prez’s Party. In some ways it was the same as Keith’s birthday last year; just a few relatives, a few friends and of course Prez and his mom.

They’re such goofs! One second they’re all adult and talking quietly at the patio table, the next second there’s laughing and a cake fight broke out!

October 3, 1997

It’s almost two in the morning. I WAS asleep but the noise from Keith’s room woke me. I can’t really hear what they’re saying over there. They talk to each other when they make out. Weird.

Hmmm… I seem to be writing less in here lately. It’s probably because I write for the school newspaper. Every Saturday there’s a football game to go to and an article to write on top of all my other homework. I can type with four fingers now! Only six more to go!

Ya know what really sucks? Hearing them and not having Corey here. I’m so damn hard! Bedsprings don’t give out on me now! I wish I had someone to cuddle up with every night.

Oh damn! The headboard is starting to hit the wall! If Keith says "Oh yeah baby," once, he says it a hundred times! All I hear from Prez is an occasional giggle! They say they don’t do the top-bottom thing. I wonder… they stopped… there they go again! What are they doing?!!

Now John is starting to mumble in his sleep! How am I supposed to get any rest surrounded by all this?!

October 17, 1997

After school I went in the kitchen and found a note written in my dad’s handwriting. It said that Prez’s mom was in a car accident! It was a bad one too. They were all at the hospital and would be home around ten. There were instructions to have the house fully lit up when they got home. My dad called around seven and repeated his instructions saying that the house needs to look bright and cheery. When I asked how bad it was, my dad said, "It’s very bad. Her head hit the steering wheel. She may not make it." A big rock settled in my throat. I couldn’t cry or talk. I could barely breathe but listened to my dad on the other end of the phone. "We need to be strong for Preston," he said. "If the worst happens, we need to be prepared. He might need a place to stay. Later on tonight we’ll talk about it."

We did talk about it too. Prez had relatives in California and back in Texas. He would at least need a place to call home for a few weeks. But if Mrs. O’Brian was to die then we might take him in more long term, maybe until the end of the school year. My folks asked how John and I felt about that. We both said we were all for it.

It’s so fucked up what happened though. They just moved out here! It was only a few weeks ago she was talking with my dad about saving to buy a house. Just last Sunday she was here for dinner.

October 18, 1997

This morning everyone but John and me left for the hospital. Corey came over for lunch and stayed the rest of the day. We had both lost our voices. When we did talk, it was the softest whispers, like it was the middle of the night. When I realized it and told Corey, he got a weird look in his eye. Then he shuffled closer and leaned against me.

I love it when he leans against me but there’s this feeling that it’s some how wrong. He’s a dude just like me, he’s almost as tall as me but he’s leaning on me.

Prez leans against Keith all the time, or at least he leaned against Keith. I don’t know what’s going on with Prez now. He’s never been so quiet. The only responses at breakfast were nods, head shakes and soft humming. When they all came home for dinner, Prez was still like that. I asked my mom about it real quick.

"Preston is in shock. When something horrible happens, the brain really has to struggle to accept it as reality. It might take a long time before he completely accepts what happened. Even if he seems normal, he might be wound up in his own inner turmoil. Don’t be surprised to hear us repeating a lot of things over the next few days," she sadly said.

Before everyone left for the hospital again, I got permission for Corey to stay the night. John invited Tommy over too. We all played video games and watched some TV like everything was normal. But it wasn’t normal. I could feel that we were all faking it just so the topic of Mrs. O’Brian wouldn’t come up.

Around ten, everybody came home again. Prez was worse, silently pacing around the living room to the kitchen and back again. He sat for all of five minutes and ate a little fried rice. Then he excused himself and wandered back to Keith’s room. After inhaling some more food and washing it down, Keith went back to his room too. Barely a minute later he returned to the table.

With wet eyes and the saddest frown, Keith sniffed, "He doesn’t want me there. He doesn’t want to be touched or helped in any way. He only wants to sleep."

Corey tugged on my arm. He seemed as sad as Keith. While the ‘rents talked with Keith, we went back to the den and started getting ready for bed. Corey nodded off pretty quickly. Other than hugs and a few wet kisses on the cheek, he never tried anything else. I almost wish he had though. It’s only a little after midnight now. I can’t remember the last time he fell asleep this early on a weekend.

October 19, 1997

Dad called from the hospital and told me that Prez’s mom died this afternoon. When I told John, he went pretty berserk.

"No way, it can’t be! She was just here last week! How could she be gone?" John yelled.

That’s what set me off. In the blink of an eye, one day she was here with us, a few days later she’s gone - forever. I started to cry and John started to cry too. I remembered the way I felt when Aldo died and then considered how Prez would feel. If a dog can leave such a big hole in a dude's life then loosing a mom must be like the end of the world. That only made me cry harder. After a while we were sitting in the living room watching TV and eating some frozen tamales that we popped in the microwave. There seemed to be lots of weird stuff on TV. Even the cartoons didn’t seem funny. MTV and VH-1 didn’t cut it either.

Mrs. O’Brian was a nice lady. She wasn’t afraid of tossing a ball back to us and she was always fun to be around. Not only did we cry because we’d miss her but because of how Prez must feel. It’s not right, it’s just not right.

Did you ever get the willies just walking through a room in your own house? Every trip through the dining room tonight was made at hyper speed, I’ll tell you! I could just feel her sitting there! Brrrr! I moved the chair she sat in to the other side of the table where Prez usually sits and got the heck out of there!

Oh fuck! Prez just had a nightmare and fell out of bed! Scared the shit out of me!

October 22, 1997

I didn’t go to the wake last night but today Prez asked the ‘rents if John and I could go to the funeral. What could we say? My parents let us decide. John decided not to go but I said yes. That made Prez really happy and he actually smiled for a few seconds.

Before we left for the funeral home, dad took Keith and I aside. He warned us to keep watching Prez and handed each of us smelling salts. We never had to use them though. Prez was just as you would expect him to be through almost the whole thing.

I had never been to a Catholic Church before. It was really pretty. Sitting in the front row, Prez looked around. Some of Mrs. O’Brian’s coworkers had come and they each talked with Prez. The funeral service began. Then Prez began crying hard. Of course that got Keith started and moments later, I gave up the battle and cried too.

At the cemetery, Prez was standing there slightly slouched over, crying quietly and occasionally wiping his face with a handkerchief. After everyone else left, it was only Keith and Prez standing in front of the casket. Standing right behind them, I turned to see mom and dad talking with Prez’s aunt and uncle. Then Prez stepped forward, knelt before the casket, put one hand on it and wearily sighed. "Bye ma," he said softly. Then he took one rose from the arrangement and stood up. He slowly backed away and the three of us walked back to the car.

I was totally wrecked! My knees were shaking and everything.

Prez went to bed right after dinner. Keith went with him. A long while later, Keith returned to the living room. The ‘rents started telling us, "We’re going to get on with our lives and in the process pull Preston along with us."

John, Keith and I would go to school tomorrow. Mom would go with Prez to the apartment. Dad would go to city hall and get the papers to make Prez like my foster brother!

Writing that made me laugh. What does that make Keith and Prez? Lovers and brothers! OMIGOD! It’s all too weird! Sometimes I think it’s happening solely for my benefit!

Why do funerals take so much out of you? I’m wiped out.

October 25, 1997

Prez has been really sad to watch. I only see him for a few minutes in the morning before he goes to the apartment and for a while at night. He’s never been this way before. He talks with Keith. Through the wall, I can barely hear them. He’ll talk with mom and dad too but he doesn’t talk much to John or me. He used to talk to us. Even weirder is how I hear him in the shower some mornings talking to himself. I’ve gone past Keith’s bedroom to see him looking at his mother’s pictures and several minutes later, walked past again to see he hadn’t moved a muscle. When I wonder what he’s thinking, it sends chills down my spine.

October 31, 1997

I think this year will be my last Halloween. It’s just getting too weird. I was just about the tallest kid out there and with things the way they’ve been at home recently; it’s been way freaky.

I’m wondering if Prez is loosing it. He looks at his mom’s pictures a lot. I wonder if he’s talking to her. Sitting around watching TV tonight, out of the blue, Prez softly asked, "Do you think she was sad because I’m gay?"

Keith spoke up first. "There’s no way Prez. I saw you two together a lot," he barely choked out.

Mom then told Prez, "I’m one thousand percent certain that your mom didn’t love you any less. You were her world, everything she did was with you in mind."

"You have nothing to feel guilty about Preston," dad reassured. "You were always considerate, you always kissed her goodbye or kissed her goodnight. I’ve never heard you even raise your voice to her."

Prez looked at both my parents while they spoke then lowered his head and asked, "Then why is God punishing me?"

Mom sighed and said, "God made you and each of us. I don’t think He creates people that are destined to fail. He hands us challenges. With each test our belief in Him and ourselves grows."

Dad added, "You’ve always been a good son. The great thing is, that you are still her son. I can see her in you. From your red hair to the way you talk to each of us."

Prez seemed to like that and smiled briefly, then snuggled up closer to Keith and took a nap.

November 1, 1997

It’s been two weeks since Corey or I have slept at each other’s house and Corey’s getting bitchy. With all that’s been happening here, I really don’t need to deal with this too. I keep having lunch with him, talking with him on the phone and we do see each other often enough. I guess it’s not enough for him though. I gotta make up my mind soon. I can’t see myself ignoring him at school. What to do, what to do?

November 2, 1997

Watching Keith watch Prez the last few weeks would be funny if it weren’t for the circumstances. He’s like a puppy following Prez from room to room. And when Prez wants to be alone, Keith looks so rejected! But when Prez comes out of the bathroom or bedroom and snuggles next to Keith, everything’s suddenly all-better!

I think I know how Prez must feel though. Being social when I’m really deep in thought is pretty impossible. Sometimes when I spend the night at Corey’s, we watch his little TV and he’s touching me, an arm over my shoulder or maybe just one of his legs against mine. He’s held my hand too, for a long time. Since he knows I like it, he uses it against me while we’re playing video games… and he’s not mellow about it either! No wonder I loose so many games and can never remember what shows we watch on TV!

November 5, 1997

The line in the sand is drawn! I can understand Prez living here. That’s cool and all but the dude is cleaning the bathroom and he even cooked dinner tonight! Mom is getting spoiled and even suggested that we copy him! Yeah, right! John and I have it all planned out. I’ll shut off the hot water and he’ll hit the circuit breaker! HAHA!

November 6, 1997

One teeny-weeny frozen pecker! HAHA! Take that Chef Prez!

November 7, 1997

DAMMIT!

My handwriting is blurry because I’m frozen clear though to my bones!

A little while ago I woke in the middle of the night with an ice-cold towel dripping freezing water down my shoulders and back. Then John woke up cold and wet too! He accused me of putting the cold towel on him and waking him up! Then I heard laughter through the wall.

November 9, 1997

Corey spent the night last night and we had sex for the first time since September. Corey’s feeling much better now! We agreed to have sex once in a while but not to make it a habit. Before we fell asleep, Corey said, "It really don’t matter if you’re bi dude. I want to be with you Drew. Without these weekend sleepovers, it’s like nothing is fun. It’s just… there."

I sleepily said, "I know, same here. I almost always thought of you while I was jackin’ off these last few weeks."

He nudged me hard and loudly asked, "Almost always?"

I snickered and rolled over. Then Corey attacked me! He started smacking me and asking, "Who else?!" I laughed my ass off and fought to get away. When I finally knocked him off my back and got out of bed, Corey grinned, rolled himself up in the blanket and asked;"Wonder where you’re sleeping tonight?"

Standing there naked in our den, I briefly considered going back to my room but decided to play some more. "Let’s see if you can guess who else I was thinking of!" then began uncovering his feet.

Thrashing like a fish, Corey cackled, "Don’t you tickle me!"

"You only get one chance at this," I warned. "If you miss the question, you will be tickled mercilessly!"

"Shoot! Err... ask away!" Corey giggled.

"The person I was thinking of was born about five months before me. You have ten seconds!"

It barely took him two seconds. "March 1983? It was Tay! You were jacking off thinking of Tay Hanson, weren’t you?"

DAMN! He knows me too well! I tickled him mercilessly anyway.

November 20, 1997

Why can’t anything stay the same, at least for a little while?

Corey wants to tell his folks about us. That means I’ll have to tell my folks! I don’t want to but dad is getting suspicious.

I’m just thinking how to handle this. Maybe if I talked with John first? He’ll probably hate me and want his own bedroom. However it works out, I’ll probably tell dad next and let him tell mom.

If I don’t die of extreme embarrassment, I’ll write more tomorrow.

November 21, 1997

John took the news pretty good. He thinks that I’m not really bisexual though and that I’ll find a nice girl someday. I told him again, "Really, I think that most everybody is good looking in their own way, girls and boys."

At one point, John asked if I got excited when I saw him naked. "Of course not!" I laughed loudly, "You’re my kid brother! I’ve seen you naked almost every day for the last twelve years!"

"So!" John said, "If you liked dudes and dicks enough, you’d get a boner."

"Then why is it I get hard as a rock in an instant for Corey but barely notice you or Keith?"

John shrugged, "He’s really skinny and we’re not. He’s blond and we’re not."

I laughed and clubbed him one. Course, he punched me back.

"Can I ask you something now?" I said, and John nodded. "How come you don’t get a boner looking at me or Keith?"

John shrugged, "I dunno, really. It’s weird because I have looked at you both but all I want is more pubes and a bigger dick."

I grinned thinking we all want bigger dicks! I’m sure there’s some dude out there with eleven inches and he’s praying for the extra inch too!

John paused for a moment then said, "I know that Tommy doesn’t have any pubes yet and he’s uncut like me. Dicks don’t do anything for me though. Not like that weird bouncy feeling I get in my stomach when I’m with Kim. And I’ve never even seen her naked!"

"But you’d like to, huh?"

"Oh hell yeah! But good things are worth waiting for. At least that’s what mom said."

For the next hour or so, until bedtime, John and me goofed on each other while we played video game soccer. What was really amazing is, while we were talking about dicks, pussy, boobs and butts, John got a stiffie too! So, if my little brother is straight but pops a rod talking about sex and my gay big brother pops a rod talking about sex and I also get way excited talking about sex, then what’s the fucking deal?!?! Are all boys so hopelessly horny that we can’t mention anything sexual without getting a hard dick? When my dad told me about sex, he didn’t get a boner! Or at least I didn’t notice him tugging at his pants! Does that mean we’ll stay horny until we’re old?

When we finished playing and talking, John shut off the NES and I turned off the light. I heard him get into bed and I got into my bed. Then John innocently asked, "Are you gonna beat off?"

I couldn’t believe he asked that! After talking about sex though, I guess I should’ve expected it. I chuckled, "Or drill holes in my mattress."

John laughed, "I don't know why you do that. I tried it and it doesn't work." From across the room, I could see him rubbing himself under the covers in the dim light.

Reaching down to pull my dick out of my boxers, I said, "It works really good for me," and started fondling my cock. For the next few minutes we quietly played with ourselves. It wasn’t that long ago that John goofed on me mercilessly for masturbating, I remembered. Then I asked, "Can you cum yet?"

"A little bit," John heaved. Then he asked, "You close?"

"Not yet," I answered. Actually, it was taking way longer than normal because he was there in the room.

Then John melodically giggled, "Corey’s watching you!"

OMIGOD! I couldn’t believe he said that! Worse, just hearing Corey’s name put an image of him in my mind! My cock throbbed. Then I thought, I can’t let John just goof on me like that! So I said, "Yeah? Kim’s naked and watching you! And she’s licking her lips dude!"

I heard John sigh deeply. Then he giggled, "He’s coming for you dude, kneeling between your legs. He’s gonna suck you off!"

That almost set me off, big time! But I stopped stroking and squeezed the base of my cock. From across the room, I could here the sheets shuffling from John’s frantic stroking. He probably didn’t know how to control his orgasm, I guessed. Then I thought I’d push my brother just a little bit further and said, "She’s squatting down on your rod bro! Her tits are rubbing against your face and her tight snatch is gripping your cock hard! It’s so hot and wet and tight!"

John’s bed was squeaking, the sheets were ruffling and he was softly whining, "Yeah, oh yeah, oh… yessssssss." Suddenly everything got quiet but John’s breathing. In the darkness I could see his teeth reflecting light. He was smiling!

I snickered uncontrollably!

"Yeah! That was bitchin’ bro!" John said, and then he got out of bed. I wondered what he was doing and looked to see John’s silhouette. He was wiping himself off with a towel. "Are you done?" John asked.

"Not yet," I said breathlessly.

John sighed and went back to his bed. I closed my eyes and John softly said, "He’s sucking your cock, humming and enjoying it. He’s spankin’ his meat fast bro. He wants your load bad!"

I could picture Corey draped over my stomach as John had described. Last time I stopped him. The next chance I had with him I wouldn't.

"You want him to cum too," John continued, "you want to see it, feel it, smell it and taste it. Pull him close, push his hand away and put his cock in your mouth. It's cool bro, he wants you and you want him. It'd make you both so happy so, do it."

My left hand moved up to my mouth and I sucked on two fingers. Yeah, I did want it even though it scared me a little. I scooted down in my bed and hummed on my fingers, feeling the vibrations half way up my arm. Corey would feel that and so would I when he hummed on my dick! That's what set me off. My toes curled, every muscle in my body tightened and cum flew from my cock settling in puddles on my belly.

I got up to wipe myself off and John giggled, "That was the best cum shot ever for me!"

"It’s an orgasm bro," I corrected. Then I said, "You just wait dude. Its so much better when someone is holding you tight and kissing you when you shoot."

Sounding a little scared, John asked, "You don’t wanna hold or kiss me, do you?"

"NO!" I yelled, and then remembered it was late. If we weren’t more careful, someone would come in the room to see if everything was all right and I’d die an embarrassing death!

"Cool," John said. I heard him roll onto his side and I got into bed.

I wondered about what had happened for a while. It was fun, definitely different than jerking off alone but nowhere near as great as it is with Corey. Then I whispered;"You awake?"

"Uh huh."

"Do you know what incest is?"

"Not really. They say incest is best."

"If we were in bed together, kissing and holding each other through all that, that’s incest. Its sex with family; brothers, sisters, cousins, like that."

"Yuch! We didn’t just?"

"I don’t think so. You didn’t touch me and I never touched you."

"Cool. Maybe we can do it again sometime?"

"Maybe. At least we won’t have to hide it from each other anymore."

John hummed then said, "G’night Drew."

November 23, 1997

Okay, so my handwriting sucks because I’m shaking again. Not because of Keith or Prez but because I finally dragged my ass into dad’s den and told him I’m bi.

When dad saw how much trouble I was having, he said, "I have an idea. I'll turn my back and work on my computer and you just talk like I'm not here." Without waiting for my reply, he then turned around and started typing.

I sat on the sofa-sleeper in the den while my dad worked on his computer. As if I wasn’t nervous enough already, sitting on that sofa-sleeper really freaked me out! Corey and me have had lots of fun on that sofa-sleeper. Gradually, I pulled a few thoughts together then took a deep breath and, all at once, everything came rushing out of my mouth totally uncontrolled!

"There’s something you should probably know, but I don’t really want to tell you but I guess I have to because, well, when Corey and I spend the night together, we’re not just playing video games and sleeping and because he says he loves me, and because I think I love him but I really don’t know because I do like girls, but I guess I’m just really slow and shy so I’ve never been with a girl, but I’ve been with Corey and I like it and he likes it so I guess I’m bisexual, but I don’t know for sure since I can’t get up the nerve to ask girls out, and now Corey would probably get really pissed if I did!"

Dad turned around in his chair and faced me but I only looked at the carpet and tried to keep myself from crying.

Dad then asked, "Do you feel better now?"

Still unable to look at dad, I shook my head no and started to cry.

"It’s okay," dad softly said. Then he came and sat down beside me.

"No, its not," I sniffled.

Dad handed me a box of Kleenex and asked, "Why not?"

I blew my nose and wiped my eyes then said, "Because… I don’t know what I want. Shouldn’t I be able to say, one way or another, whether I like girls or boys?"

"It’s never that easy," dad said. Finally, I looked up at him and he explained, "Being bisexual doesn’t always mean that you’re equally attracted to both sexes. It’s like a sliding scale. For intensely attractive ‘Baywatch’ girls, you might get really excited. So you slide towards the straight end of the scale. Then you might see another boy that’s really attractive and slide towards the gay end of the scale."

I had never thought of it that way before.

After a short pause, my dad said, "What you’re attracted to in real life isn’t always the same as what happens when you see an attractive person in a picture or on TV."

"Why?"

"Because you’ll never get to know what the person in the picture is really like. They might have outstanding physical features but the personality of a grizzly bear." Then dad asked, "How long have you and Corey been a couple?"

It took me at least a minute to get over hearing my dad refer to Corey and me as couple. Then I answered, "Since my birthday. We could’ve started before that but I couldn’t make up my mind."

"He was your friend for quite some time before your birthday. What was it that kept you from becoming intimate before your birthday?"

Intimate? Were we being intimate? Starting to tear up again, I answered, "I just wasn’t sure. I’m still not sure what I want."

Dad wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. He softly shushed me then said, "Believe me Drew, I know everything you’re thinking and feeling. I’ve been there. A long time ago when I was about twelve my best friend came over to spend the night. It was a warm summer night and we rigged up a few old blankets into a tent and camped out in the backyard. We were talking about sex. My parents never told me about the big secrets so everything my friend said was news to me. He and I jacked each other off that night for the first time. There were many more nights like that until we graduated high school. Then he went down one path and I went down another. I found your mother and found her to be more than he could ever be."

Shocked, I looked up at my dad.

"It’s true. I went out with girls on double dates with that guy and then, afterwards, we’d wind up alone together. After high school, he went his way and I went mine. Then, while I was in college, I met your mother. She quickly became a very good friend, more so than that boy I had become so close to. I was attracted to her and, thankfully, she was attracted to me too.

"Now I have three healthy, handsome sons. I was always scared to death of having a daughter because I have no frame of reference, only scientific and biological facts. I could picture myself worrying about her every time she stepped foot out of the house and giving myself an ulcer when she came of age. I could picture me chaperoning her on every date until she and your mother beat the tar out of me and tied me to a chair."

I chuckled at that and my dad continued, "I'll assume you're going to do all the things that I did as a kid, maybe more. But sex is different now then it was in the nineteen-seventies. I want you and John and Keith to live long, happy, healthy lives. You've been moping around the house for a while now. I don't like to see that. Be safe for the future son; try to be happy now. Does Corey make you happy?"

I didn't answer right away but after a minute or so I nodded my head. Then I asked, "Does mom know?"

Dad nodded, "She even met him once." My dad was silent for a few moments and then he said, "Things are very different now though."

"Between you and mom?"

"No, our relationship is fine. The difference is between your situation and mine."

"How?"

"First of all AIDS didn’t exist back then."

"I know all about AIDS and how it’s spread," I said.

"They taught you in school already?"

I shook my head no then said;"Keith showed me some stuff on the Internet." Realizing that I had probably just gotten my brother in deep hot water, I said, "I hope you’re not mad."

Dad grinned and loudly said, "Absolutely not! That’s what big brothers are for! I’m glad you at least talked to Keith since you couldn’t talk to me." We sat quietly for a few moments. Then dad asked, "Are you feeling better now?"

I nodded, "A little."

"Since we’ve both shared a few very personal things, I hope you’ll be more honest with me from now on."

I said, "I will," and started to stand.

"There’s one more thing Drew," My dad said. I turned around and he said, "It’s going to be embarrassing but I have to ask."

"Okay."

"What have you and Corey done sexually?"

After all that, my face practically caught fire, I blushed so hard! "We kiss and jack each other off," I said, and then turned to leave the den.

"Hey, Drew?"

"Yeah dad?"

"We know something about each other that Keith and John will probably never fully understand. Let’s keep it between us, okay?"

As a grin spread across my face, I nodded and suddenly felt way better.

November 24, 1997

The instant I saw mom this morning, I blushed. By now, dad must’ve told her. Like every school day, she hurried between the kitchen and her bedroom. Before she left for work, she kissed John and me on the forehead then raced out the door. I swear my temperature must’ve rose five degrees when she kissed me goodbye! Omigod. Wait…

Mom was just in here. I cried a lot. She even wiped her eyes a few times. She said that she just wants me to be happy. She’s had suspicions that Corey was who made me happy but she hoped I would come to her and tell her. I couldn’t do that though, mostly because she’s a girl… a woman, I mean. It really wasn’t even an option for me. I had to tell dad. Now I’m really tired. It’s only a little after nine but I gotta sack out.

November 30, 1997

We’re out to both our families. Corey told his folks that he loves me and we’ve been having sex. Last night, as I walked into Corey’s house, his parents were getting ready to go out. I didn’t know it then but now I know that his folks spent a few hours with my folks! This is so fucking weird! When my mom told me that Corey’s parents were here, I swear I almost self-combusted! How Keith and Prez ever dealt with all this, I have no idea!

December 21, 1997

Friday night, I stayed at Corey’s house. I don’t think I’ve ever been that nervous before. I think Corey was nervous too because he was spending a lot more time rearranging his food than actually eating it! First of all, his mom has been treating me like I’m somehow special these last few weeks. And secondly, I decided to give Corey a blowjob. I didn’t really know how I was going to do it but I figured, once we were undressed and in bed, things would happen.

Oh wow! Friday night, for the first time ever, we took a shower together! It was awesome! Corey got in first. I had to pee though so I stopped in front of the bowl. The next thing I know, Corey’s standing behind me, sopping wet and reaching around me to hold my dick while I leaked!

I giggled, "No, don’t, it’ll get hard again then I won’t be able to pee!"

"I’m just holding it," Corey giggled. And he pushed my hands away! "Don’t think of me," Corey whispered, "think of your bursting bladder, think of a running faucet or a waterfall."

Unbelievably, seconds later I actually started pissing! He held it real nice too, with his thumb on top, just behind the ridge and his index finger resting just below. He didn’t move his fingers or my dick until I had squirted out three final blasts. Then he checked with me to see if I was done and he shook it off for me! I thought for sure Corey would get carried away and keep on shaking it till I finally came all over the place, but he didn’t. I’m not sure if I was relieved or disappointed.

Corey then stepped back and I turned around. His dick was a little longer than usual but he wasn’t near totally hard. He stepped backwards into the shower then disappeared behind the shower door. I got in with him and Corey stepped closer and hugged me. Then I felt something tickling my chest. I looked around the top of his head and saw that he was licking water off my body! Seconds later, we were both hard and licking water off each other! Grabbing the soap and washcloth, Corey said, "You first."

OH MY GOD! When Corey started washing my arms and up to my armpits, I must’ve had this dopey little smirk on my face! It felt so good! Then he washed my neck and shoulders before moving down to my chest and stomach. Then he knelt down but skipped past my crotch entirely and started washing my feet and legs. When he finally got to my crotch, my head was spinning. I was holding on to the shower door and the wall to keep from falling over! He was real gentle around my nads and reached everywhere I would’ve! He only washed my hard dick, stroking it only two or three times before standing and asking me to turn around. Corey then washed my back in downward motions from my neck to my butt! Finally he washed each cheek of my ass and slid the soapy washcloth into the crack! I’m sure I gasped out loud! The sensation of his fingers cleaning the most private and dirty part of my body was incredible! I actually started to feel like I was going to cum with every brush over my hole! My cock was twitching and throbbing like it really wanted some release.

As soon as Corey finished, I turned and took him in my arms for a tight hug. I sighed and Corey whispered my name. We were pressing against each other hard, our arms pulling with all our strength. I felt his stiffie sliding against my thigh. I pulled my head back then targeted his lips. Corey grunted and pressed his cock against my thigh harder. Then I felt a new, warmer sensation on the same thigh. My once barely open eyes shot right open and Corey slid his face to one side of mine, gasping for breath. I was so thrilled that he got off with so little effort that I started kissing every part of him my mouth could reach! Suddenly I noticed my dick was getting that very full feeling from only the little bit of sliding around it was doing. Moments later I came too!

We both kissed hard and then started giggling.

"That was intense!" I grinned.

"I didn’t even know how close I was till you hugged me," Corey admitted.

I turned around and rinsed off then stepped past Corey and let him rinse off. By the time he turned around, I had the other washcloth all soaped up and ready to go! I did exactly what Corey had done. He kept quiet so I did too. I noticed his eyes were just barely open when I knelt down to start his feet and legs.

Actually, I was kind of nervous sliding my hand into his crotch so close to his nads. One wrong move and I’d accidentally hurt him. Thankfully, I managed to get it done without him wincing in pain. When I got to his dick, Corey softly whispered, "Pull the foreskin back and clean it inside and out."

He was mostly hard and there wasn’t too much foreskin to pull back but I did as he instructed.

While he was rinsing off, Corey said, "I may never shower alone again! That was so good Drew. Thank you."

"It was better than good," I said. Then I grinned and said, "But you’re gonna have to shower more than twice a week."

Corey made that "you’re such a wise ass," kind of smirk and said, "I’ll at least have to keep my dick clean. If I don’t the doctor will come…"

"Don’t say it!" I laughed.

"With a special pair of scissors…"

Reaching to cover his dick with my hands I yelled, "Ugh! No, don’t!"

"And snip, snip! No more foreskin!"

"Arg!" I hollered, and reached to cover my own dick. Grinning madly at him, I said, "It hurts just thinking about it!"

Corey cracked up!

I’m starting to see why Keith follows Prez into the bathroom some times. The bathroom has suddenly turned into a completely different place!

Last night, as we were getting undressed for bed, he asked if we were gonna fool around first.

I said, "Sure, we could have some fun."

Walking past me over towards the bed, Corey said, "We don't have to ya know. I'm just so happy... well, that we're back together. Damn, I was so lonely."

I took his hand in mine, stopping him where he stood and said, "I missed you too dude. I want to do stuff with you. It just takes me a while to figure shit out sometimes."

"I like that about you," Corey said walking around to the other side of the bed and dropping his boxers. Sliding under the covers he said, "if you were easy there'd be no fun at all in anything we do."

I thought, he's so right! Everything we do is a struggle to break the stalemate and we enjoy it all.

Slipping into bed with him and flipping over to face him I saw he was smiling up at me.

"Are you gonna turn off the light?" He asked.

I shook my head no and gazed at his face. It's rounder than mine, softer too I think. Reaching up I brushed the back of my hand against his smooth cheek. Yeah, less bumpy, more flesh. I traced two fingers around his nose and up over his eyes.

Corey giggled and slid one arm under me pulling me close.

I leaned down and kissed him quickly and continued my examination, combing his hair back with my fingers. His hair was so soft and smelled so good. The haircut looks good on him, buzzed on the sides and long on top. Nice ears too. My fingers traced around his ears and down his neck making him giggle more.

"What are you doin’?" Corey asked. "That tickles!"

"Memorizing you," I answered, "you won't be around for Christmas but I want to see you so I'm making a scan here."

"You wanna see me naked in bed while eating your Christmas dinner?"

"And any other time I need to when we're not together."

"I'll just be the smile on your face no one understands."

"Way more than that dude. Everyone that matters knows now. We're not hiding nuthin' anymore."

Corey's smile faded. He whispered, "I love you Drew," and pulled me down onto him before I could reply. He hugged the breath out of my lungs and I snaked my hands under him to hug him back.

We spent both nights really checkin' each other over before finishing each other off. It was so rad! I let him touch me in places no one but me has touched since I was a baby. Both of us were hard as we could get most of the time but ignored it until we were too tired or too horny to continue the examinations.

Instead of just jacking each other off we watched closely, mumbling instructions now and then, teaching each other what was good, really good and the absolute greatest.

Saturday night we got into a sixty-nine lying side by side and worked on some oral fun. Corey was into it and I learned a lot following his lead. We agreed to give each other warnings and Corey spoke up first.

"Better back off, Drew." Corey whispered.

Even though I was ready to run for the hills on the inside I kept sucking his knob and rolling my tongue around his ultra-sensitive foreskin. The part of me that wanted to please him was obviously stronger. His second warning was much more urgent and I let his cock out of my mouth picking up the rhythm with my hand. He grabbed me tight and buried his face in my thigh just before he got off. Even though I moved back quickly, Corey's first shot splashed against my chest. He rolled onto his back and finished what appeared to be his best orgasm yet. He sure shot further than usual and seemed to put out way more. I was extremely pumped up seeing him so happy. It was the greatest achievement of my life!

Early this afternoon, Corey left for back east and Christmas with his family there. Damn! I wish he could’ve stayed here! But his grandparents and the rest of his mother’s family live there so I guess there’s no use crying about it.

December 25, 1997

It’s been a good Christmas. It would’ve been a great one if Corey was here but it was still really good.

While I was opening stocking stuffers I got really embarrassed because one present was a tube of KY! Another was a box of condoms – a dozen of ‘em! I just knew they were from Keith and Prez. I was half right. Keith got me the lube and unbelievably, my dad got me the rubbers! That afternoon, while we were watching TV, my dad told me that he expected me to use those condoms and that it was his way to help keep me safe. He also told me that he’d get more any time I needed them. I’ve got a box of twelve! If I use one before my next birthday, I’ll be surprised! How could he think I’ll need any more?!?!

December 28, 1997

The ‘rents left for Big Bear early yesterday morning but us dudes stayed home and waited for Corey. Thank goodness his parents allowed him to come! Last night I told him how lonely I felt with him gone. Then I told him that I really do care and do love him. He was so happy that he cried. Of course that made me cry too. We were happy but still crying! How stupid is that?! But we couldn’t help it. Still, I’d like to know why we did it.

Today, John, Corey and me spent the day skiing together. It was great, in an embarrassing sort of way. While we were eating lunch, John wanted to know what Corey really liked about me and what I really liked about Corey.

Corey listed all kinds of stuff. He likes my hair and my eyes; he likes that I’m a little taller than he is. He likes that I always think and wonder about things. None of it was news to me but hearing Corey explain it to John was slightly embarrassing.

Then I told John what I liked about Corey. I like his blond hair and he’s got a killer smile that forces me to smile. More than anything, I like that we’re pretty much equals in school, in little league and at every video game we play.

John pressed further though. "So you don’t really care about your dicks at all?" he asked.

Corey cracked up laughing, blowing soda pop out of his nose and everything! John and me cracked up!

Once he had cleaned up and gotten that tingling sensation out if his nose, Corey giggled, "What the hell kind of question is that?"

"Well, is it too big or too small or what?" John grinned.

I glared at John and mumbled, "Fuck you! Too small."

John laughed, "I didn’t say it was too small! Yours is still bigger than mine… for now anyway! Its just a question."

Corey laughed hysterically at us. When he finally stopped laughing and was down to a few chuckles, I could swear his cheeks suddenly looked lots redder, like he was blushing! I’ve never made Corey blush that I know of! Looking at me the whole time, Corey softly answered, "All that matters is that he’s got a dick, that he likes when I play with it and that he’ll play with mine."

John seemed satisfied with that answer. Then he aimed the same question at me! All the blood in my body rushed right into my face! I giggled and balked, refusing to tell John what I liked about Corey’s dick, mostly because I never told Corey and secondly, because thinking about Corey’s dick was getting me so damn hard! But they both started badgering me. I couldn’t really answer the question. I didn’t think of Corey’s dick very much. But one of the things I really enjoyed learning was how to jack off a dude with foreskin and how he keeps it clean. Finally, I answered, "Messing with his foreskin is pretty cool."

That was all John needed to hear. "AH HA!" John laughed loudly, "I should’ve guessed!" Then he got up and went to dump out his trash.

I looked at Corey, shaking my head sadly. Corey was smiling widely though. "I really, really love you," he whispered.

"I shouldn’t have admitted it though, not in front of John," I mumbled. Confused, Corey frowned. "John’s uncut too," I said.

"He never told you anything about it?" Corey asked.

"I would never ask!" I said more loudly.

Standing up, Corey said, "First chance we get, I’m gonna kiss you so hard that you’ll need replacement lips!" Then he went to dump out his trash. I finished my soda then got up and dumped my tray of trash.

The three of us started walking back to the lifts. Then John hopped in front of us and started walking backwards. "Drew, did ya know it feels really good to tug on the foreskin a little bit? Just cover the head and tug then pull it back and cover it again… and again and again." John teased.

At that moment, I knew that for the rest of the day I would be in big trouble. My dick started getting hard again and it was unbearably uncomfortable! With boxers, long johns and jeans on, there was no way I could adjust my dick!

Thankfully, the ‘rents came to pick us up early. Sometime during the day, Keith had an accident skiing. His leg was in a brace and he’s been really dopey all night! John went with the ‘rents to see a movie, leaving the four of us alone.

January 4, 1998

Keith woke up in excruciating pain this morning. He couldn’t even get out of bed on his own! Mom called for an ambulance and we all wound up spending part of the day at the hospital.

Have you ever spent hours in a hospital waiting room? Talk about fucking boring! Omigod! Finally dad took John and me home. John was really freaking out, believing that Keith was paralyzed or something! He’s such a doofus! I called Corey and he came over to keep me company. My dad left us some money so we could order a pizza for lunch then he went back to the hospital. After lunch, Corey started goofing on Rush, making cat noises and shit. Rush would run all around the house, sniffing around and trying to find the cat! A few hours later the ‘rents and Prez came home. Keith was totally zonked out! We had to carry his heavy ass on a stretcher! While we struggled to get the stretcher out from under him, my mom told us that Keith had severely strained muscles in his thigh.

What a fucking bad actor! He’s doing this just to get out of going to school this week; I know it!

January 5, 1998

I simply can’t believe Keith sometimes. Just a few minutes ago, John and I got home from school. He went to the kitchen and I headed for my room. Casually, I glance in Keith’s room, expecting to find him walking around again. But nooooooo!! He was lying there naked! With a full boner! So this is what happens when you hurt your hip, I mused. Un-fucking-believable! He said that he couldn’t reach the blankets. I still didn’t quite believe that he was hurt so badly and just kinda stood there for a few moments. As weird as Keith can be, he would always cover up if I caught him with his dick out. He was reaching down but his hand was still far from the blankets. I went in and pulled the covers over him. Seeing a tube of Aspercream on Prez’s pillow made me blush big time. Thank goodness they weren’t messing around and using Aspercream! It turns out that Keith has tendonitis and might be out of commission for the next week or so.

January 12, 1998

Yesterday was a totally fucked day. It started out fine. I slept over at Corey’s Saturday night and Corey came home with me Sunday. We were playing video games in my room for a while then Corey stood and said, "Gotta go to the bathroom. Ya wanna come hold it for me?"

I looked up at him and saw him smiling. I grinned, "Did you forget how to hold your dick?"

Corey giggled, "Fine! Be that way. Don’t say I never give you a chance though."

After he left the room, I began giggling to myself. Corey really likes it when I touch him and I really like when he touches me too. There were times when we’d be laying in bed watching his little TV and like, finger combing each other’s pubes but totally ignoring our hard dicks. It feels awesome! So I thought, what the fuck, I’ll give him a little thrill and went to the bathroom. Well, he was almost done leaking when I walked in, stood beside him and forced myself to pee. We started fooling around a little bit when suddenly I heard the doorknob jiggle.

"I’ll be right out," I yelled and Corey giggled.

From the other side of the door, I heard Keith softly say, "Damn!"

Corey about fell all over me laughing. We didn’t even finish each other off and soon went back to my bedroom.

An hour or so later, John came in the room. It surprised me because he had invited Kim over. Softly, but in a very angry tone, John said, "I am so fucking pissed at both of you!" Then he turned to me and said, "You know Kim is here but you still had to go play in the bathroom. She saw it, ya know. Then Keith and Prez go take a shower together! You must think of nothing or no one but yourselves!" Then he stormed out of the room.

I was extremely embarrassed! Not only because Kim saw me with Corey but because John’s told me how difficult it is for him to talk about anything remotely sexual with her. Realizing that I had humiliated myself and my brother and Corey and Kim too, I started to cry.

A few moments later Corey reached for me and said, "I’m sorry Drew."

But I was totally blown away. Nothing mattered anymore. Nothing I did was good enough for Keith or John. I pulled away from Corey, got up and moved to the opposite side of the room. Seconds later Corey came over to me and tried to reach for me again.

"Don’t! Just don’t fuckin’ touch me," I angrily said.

When I think of it now, there are so many other ways I could’ve dealt with it. I could’ve asked Corey to leave and told him that I’d call him later. But I didn’t do that. Instead, I totally freaked. I don’t even really remember all that I said but it wasn’t nice. I was so angry with myself but I basically took it out on Corey and called him a fag and a little queen and probably some other stuff too.

Corey didn’t say a word. I wasn’t looking at him because I didn’t want to be looked at. Then I heard the door close and looked over to see that he had left.

At the time, I was happy he left. It was probably the best thing for both of us. But then, after a dinner I hardly touched, mom took Kim home and dad came to talk with me.

I learned that when Corey left, he didn’t say goodbye to anyone but just walked out of my room and out of the house. Dad went after him and found out what had happened then drove Corey home. Then I had to sit there and listen to dad lecturing me about emotions and hurtful words and about sexuality. I kind of heard him but I was really confused. I know all about that stuff and I always try to be considerate. Just this one time though I wanted to do something more spontaneously.

Corey has been my best friend for about a year. It didn’t take much effort. I asked him over here and he asked me over there and the next thing I knew, it was habit. If I wasn’t there then he was here. Last fall, when I thought we should chill out on sex, we were still going back and forth to each other’s homes. That only slowed for a few weeks after Mrs. O’Brian died. Then we started getting together again and then we started jacking each other off again. It was just before Christmas, when I realized he would be gone for a whole week, that I finally sucked his dick. And when he got back, I really wanted him to know that he could always count on me, on my friendship.

Now look what I’ve fucking done. Even Keith and Prez seemed surprised when I told them what happened. John still hasn’t really talked to me about it. Then again, I haven’t brought it up either. At school today, Corey completely ignored me. Even at lunch, when I sat down next to him and apologized, Corey immediately picked up his tray and moved to another table where he sat alone. Fuck! He’d rather be alone than sit with me!

I can’t write anymore. I don’t even want to see this fucking journal again!

January 30, 1998

For the last few weeks, I’ve been hanging out with Keith and Prez mostly. They’ve got me working the PA for their band. Mike and Prez explained all the buttons, dials and sliders then told me to just listen and adjust shit so it sounds good. I’ve also been trying to talk with Corey but he’s still pissed. If he would only listen to me, he’d know that I really regret saying what I did. Everything I said to him was what I really wanted to say to myself.

I was just looking over some other things I wrote in here. What really got me thinking was how dad referred to bisexuality as a sliding scale. I think I’m a little more on the gay side of bisexual. But having never asked a girl out, I still don’t really know for sure.

One night, I had nothing better to do and was watching the movie Top Gun with the ‘rents. The straight sex scene in that movie really got to me. The girl was more than pretty; she was a knock out! That got me thinking about the girls I know at school. Some of them are really nice people and they’re pretty too. This one girl that I know from the school newspaper, Susan Barnes, has been really friendly lately. Susan has dirty blond hair that’s sort of styled like the girl in the movie. She saved me from eating my lunch alone these past few weeks. I’m sure that if I asked her out, she would say yes but I just can’t do it! One afternoon, we walked home from school together and she asked me if I wanted a soda or anything, inviting me in her house. But I couldn’t do it. It was a Wednesday and I had to be home to run the PA system for Keith’s band. When I told her that, she said that she’d like to hear the band sometime. But did I say, "Great! Come on over now"? No, I didn’t.

I spend most of my time at home with Keith or Prez or with the band. My gay brother and his gay friends have a female keyboard player coming over twice a week! But I can’t ask Susan over! How totally fucked is that?!?!

And then, while I’m sitting in the garage, adding my two cents worth to whatever they’re discussing, I notice Derrick. OMIGOD! He’s so damn good looking! And he’s a blond, like Corey. And he’s got the most intense eyes! Sometimes he says the funniest shit in the driest, unfunny way possible and I just crack up! I wonder if his pubes are blond too?

ARG! I make myself crazy! Susan is really nice and we’re getting to be pretty good friends but do I wonder about her pubes?!?! FUCK NO! She’s not like a model or anything but she’s definitely not clock stopping ugly either.

It’s time I face facts. On a bisexuality scale of one to ten, with one being totally straight and 10 being totally gay, I would consider myself a seven. I’m definitely more likely to notice another dude than I would a girl.

It doesn’t make me very happy either, but it’s the truth.

February 6, 1998

I have an idea. Since Corey won’t listen to me, I thought I’d write him a letter. I’ll copy some of the pages from this journal and the other one too. If he can read the letter and the journal entries and still not want to talk with me, well, then I guess our friendship is over.

February 7, 1998

Dad let me use his scanner and I printed my journal pages then deleted all the files. I wrote a really long apologetic letter. Writing it brought tears to my eyes. Then I stuffed it all in a big envelope, addressed it to Corey and slid it into the mail slot on his front door then took off running!

February 9, 1998

At school today, I tried to talk with Corey again. He flipped out and started yelling. "Yes I got your fucking letter. I threw it out but my mom pulled it back out of the trash again."

Corey then hurried off but I followed him and said, "Please read it. If you just read it and still want to tell me to fuck off then fine, I’ll leave you alone."

He didn’t even reply.

February 13, 1998

It’s Friday the thirteenth again but nothing bad happened today. As a matter of fact, Corey caught up with Susan and me as we were walking home.

As if nothing had ever happened, Corey said, "It’s supposed to be nice tomorrow. Ya wanna come over and practice?"

Still somewhat in shock that he spoke to me, I had no idea what he meant! "Practice?" I asked.

"Little league, remember? You’re still gonna sign up, aren’t you?"

"Umm… yeah, sure!"

"Come over early, before lunch time. It’s been a long winter and we have lots of practicing to catch up on. Don’t forget your mitt, bat and balls," Corey said with a big smile. Then he ran off in the other direction, towards his house.

Beside me, Susan was chattering about Corey and whether he had a girlfriend when suddenly it hit like a ton of bricks. Practicing? Lots to catch up on? Bring my bat and balls – PLURAL!

OMIGOD! That teasing little shit! After I kiss him, I’ll have to beat the living day lights out of him for being so suggestive in front of Susan!

February 15, 1998

I went over Corey’s yesterday for the first time in over a month. At first, it was just like always. We tossed a ball around and talked about little league. After dinner, Corey went right to the bathroom. Then we went to his room and played video games. But we weren’t really playing because we were finally talking about what happened.

Still watching the TV, I softly said, "I’m sorry for everything I said to you that day."

"I was so fucking angry with you," Corey admitted. "After all you said at Big Bear about always wanting to be friends, then you went and said things that those other jerk offs at school say to me."

"It took me a few days to figure out, but every word I said to you was really aimed at me. I wish I could take it all back."

"I’ve done some thinking too," Corey said. Then he paused and concentrated on the game, leaving me to wonder for a long while what he was thinking. Finally, Corey said, "I don’t think I ever really accepted that your bi, dude. Judging by the way you acted that day and how you hung around with Susie, I guess maybe you are."

I confessed, "I never did anything with her. I never even went inside her house or invited her to my place. There were plenty of opportunities. I just didn’t."

"Why not?"

"Lots of reasons. First, I was scared to be alone with her. I was scared to bring her home and have her meet Keith and Prez too. Basically, I was scared she would find out something about me that I’m only just starting to understand myself." Corey looked my way and waited.

I told him about the sliding bisexuality scale that dad had explained to me. Then I admitted, "Most of the time, I’m more on the gay side of that scale, I think. And it really does move from one side to the other."

"You say that like it makes you sad," Corey said.

"It doesn’t make sad. It makes me scared. Sometimes I feel so different already and nobody knows about me or about us."

"Think how I feel, how Keith feels or how Prez feels. I think we all see ourselves as different. My mom and me talked lots these last few weeks. We both agree that feeling different is the worst part of being a teenager. But what does it mean really? We’re all different in some way or another. I’ll bet even those stuck-up student counsel dudes have their moments."

"But I don’t understand why I have to feel bad about doing something I enjoy doing," I said. It’s not like I’m stealing or killing people, I thought. After a long pause, I softly said, "Can I help it if I like to hug and be hugged?"

As if hearing that were a major surprise, Corey softly asked, "You really do like it?"

I looked at him and smiled. Of course I liked it, and not only with him but with everyone in my family. When the time is right, you feel like giving a hug and then, other times, its time to get a hug, whether you’re really ready for it or not. Tears began flooding my eyes and I turned back towards the game. Suddenly, Corey tossed his game controller and threw himself on me! We stayed like that for a long time until we both stopped crying and sniffling.

"Did you get angry because I was hangin’ around Susan?"

"Yes!" Corey quickly answered. Then he said, "It looked like you were with her to make yourself appear straight or to annoy the shit out of me."

"That was never my intention. She came over to talk with me during lunch one day. Then she saw me walking home and we learned that we live in the same neighborhood. It just got to be habit." Done explaining, I grinned, "I was thinking of asking her out, just didn’t know how to do it."

Corey glared at me and slowly grinned. "How do you ask me out?" he innocently asked.

"What do you mean?"

"When you wanna go someplace or do somethin’, do you have to plan how you ask me?"

I shook my head no and said, "I just say it."

"Why is it different for her then?" Corey asked.

I thought for a long few moments but didn’t have a clue! "I dunno," I said.

Softly, Corey said, "You should ask her out then, dude."

I couldn’t believe it! Corey was actually telling me to go out with a girl!

Then his mom knocked on the door. Corey got up off me then let his mom in the room. She wanted to know if I was still going home or if I was staying the night. I told her I would go home and then started to gather my stuff. Then I remembered Corey’s suggestive remarks and started giving him hell, chasing him around the room and stuff.

Corey came over here today and then we went to the mall.

While we were wandering around the mall, Corey started talking about Susan again. I noticed that he called her Susie. I’d never heard anyone else call her Susie, it’s either Sue or Susan. But I learned a little bit more of what Corey and his mom talked about over the last month. For better or worse, Corey wants to help me figure stuff out. Now he can almost understand why I said what I did. He needs to know as much as I do because he says that he’s falling more in love with me again.

I just told Keith and Prez about things with Corey and me. They were happy, I guess. Maybe they were just real tired from their weekend down in San Diego.

February 28, 1998

Today was the start of little league. It was weird seeing Corey in uniform again. Suddenly he looked way different. He made the most remarkable play ever today! The coach was hitting balls to the infield and this one took a vicious bounce. I watched Corey’s mitt move from his lower right side to over his left shoulder, beside his head. It happened so fast that it almost appeared like he had three hands for a second there! On our way back to the benches, I told him how amazing that looked.

Corey giggled, "It was coming for my face dude! I could either try and catch it or let it knock me out."

The toilet just flushed. He’s finishing in the bathroom now and we’re heading to his place for the night.

March 22, 1998

I went to Corey’s Friday night and he was here last night. Both nights, Corey wanted me to make believe that he was Susan! I was hysterical! Sorry, but he just doesn’t look much like a girl at all so I couldn’t imagine it but I went along with it anyway. It was bad enough while we watched TV and played video games Friday night but later, when we were in bed together, he reminded me that he was still Susan! He also casually informed me that it was "that time of the month" so there would be no bedtime fun!

His boxers were tented as he crawled into bed so I was like, what the fuck!

I settled down and was ready to just fall asleep when Corey whispered, "Just because the girl can’t doesn’t mean that you can’t." I just grinned and tilted my head curiously. Then Corey said, "If she knows anything at all then she must know that dudes are horny more of the time than babes." Assuming the role of a girl once again, he rolled away saying, "I can’t. I’m all achy and it just wouldn’t feel good."

"There’s only one part of me aching," I grinned, "ya wanna take care of it for me?"

"Nope!" Corey giggled. Then he said, "That works fine with me, but with a girl, you’ll probably need to deal with it differently."

I thought, well fuck! So I can’t lie on top of him and he won’t jack my dick, therefore sucking it must be completely out of the question! What’s left? I began stroking my cock under the covers. After a while I shifted and rubbed the head of my hard dick against his thigh. The little blond hairs on his leg felt awesome! Suddenly, Corey reached for my dick and started stroking it for me. As I was about to ask if he was Corey again, he whispered, "Shhh. Since it’s her time of the month, you gotta do for yourself. But assuming she loves you, she probably wants to play with it. Just don’t say anything and let her think that she’s running the show."

I grinned, "How do you know she would want to? Have you ever been with a girl?"

"It’s just common sense," Corey softly said. "A straight girl must like dicks every bit as much as a gay dude. She’ll take care of you most of the time, unless she’s a completely selfish bitch." He giggled insanely then kissed me soft and deep.

March 31, 1998

Yesterday was Corey’s 14^th Birthday. Saturday, I went over there and met his grandparents from Vermont. The way they talk is so funny! We all had dinner and Corey’s birthday cake. After a quick trip to the bathroom, Corey started opening his presents. I wish I could’ve gotten him something really cool, like the stereo I got for my last birthday. My dad gave me the extra bucks so I could at least get him a new game for his PlayStation.

For the first time ever, Corey and me slept in the living room on the sofa sleeper because his grandparents were in his room on the real bed. Around one in the morning, after lying there for at least an hour, Corey grunted then got up.

"Where’re ya goin’?" I whispered.

Corey sighed and whispered, "I gotta dude. I know we said it wouldn’t be like habit. But it’s my birthday and I just gotta do it or I’ll never get to sleep."

It didn’t take me but a second to figure out that he was going to the bathroom for a quickie. I got up and followed.

"You don’t have to Drew," he said.

I didn’t say a word but only smiled and continued following him.

When we got into the bathroom, Corey closed and locked the door behind us. He stepped into my open arms and hugged me. Then, taking one step back, he pulled his dick out and started playing with it. I pushed his hand away and took over for him.

He’s got a real nice dick. It’s funny how much it changes, from a little three-inch breakfast sausage to a fist full of hardness. The way the foreskin moves over the head and back again, sometimes it looks like it’s not really part of him. And his pubes seem a little darker then the color of his hair, like the color of dust, the softest, lightest brown. The hair under his armpits is the same color. One night last fall, I started really looking close at his scalp and eyebrows! It’s all the same color. The sun just bleaches some lighter, I guess.

Corey’s smile seemed particularly bright as I stroked away. That open mouth, full smile he wore was just too funny! Leaning against the sink, his brow furled for a second then he groaned loudly. I giggled then shushed him and reminded, "Don’t wanna wake up gram and gramps." Corey shook his head and beamed up at me.

My thoughts began speeding up. Corey was acting like the simple act of stroking him was saving his life! We hadn’t gone down on each other since getting back together. But while we were separated, I tried tasting some of my own cum. It wasn’t bad but not like the greatest desert topping ever either.

Corey was softly whimpering so I kissed him to mute the sounds. Through the kiss, he was still gazing at me with a look of profound gratitude. Quickly, before I could think about it or change my mind, I knelt down in front of him, pulled down his boxers and swallowed his cock. Corey gasped and I looked up at him with smiling eyes.

After only another minute or so, Corey’s hips began bucking. Fearing he would trigger the gag reflex, I backed off a little, held onto his hips firmly and let him hump my mouth. Then Corey’s hand pressed against my forehead and tried to push me away. But I didn’t want to stop. I had to know. If I’m really more on the gay side of bisexual, then I damn well better be able to suck him all the way. Corey hoarsely whispered, "You better pull back quick!" But I didn’t move. Corey whined and I felt him splash into my mouth. Then I tasted it. It was different than my own small samplings. There was more of it and it definitely tasted better than my own! I kinda got carried away and kept his dick in my mouth past the critical sensitivity point! Corey pushed me away and doubled up, pulling his dick from my mouth with a loud pop. He glared at me in disbelief! Then he started giggling and pulled me up. After a quick hug and kiss, Corey began making moves to return the favor! Now that it was my turn to whip my dick out, I was suddenly worried about getting caught! Very strange. I wouldn’t let him suck me Saturday night but, the next time he wants to, I hope he goes all the way too.

So he got two birthday presents from me! I wonder which one he liked more? HAHAHAHAHAA!!

April 5, 1998

Yesterday was our fifth little league game but only our second win. The other three games were loaded with errors! We won today by only one run, probably because we had fewer goof ups! Standing beyond second base, I have a perfect view of almost the whole field. Corey’s been playing shortstop this year.

All the dudes on the team have somehow forgotten the basics of baseball! It’s just nice to win a game now and then, just so you know its possible. There’s a new assistant coach this year named Zach. He’s working our defense, making sure we remember to try and catch the fucking ball once in a while. All the dudes on our team really like him a lot. Hopefully, by June we’ll have a better team record. We all went to Chuckie Cheese’s for pizza afterwards. I was starved and scarfed down about four big slices but Corey only picked on one slice. I looked at him curiously. Corey scrunched his nose and frowned, like the pizza was horrible and he couldn’t eat it.

Last night Corey stayed here because of band rehearsal on Sunday. The last few Sunday’s his mom has let him stay here until after dinner, which is very cool. The band is sounding really good lately! I’m teaching Corey about how the board works.

Speaking of teaching people things, Corey taught me something last night – what a full blowjob feels like! OMIGOD! No wonder he was whimpering and gasping so much last weekend! I practically had to swallow a pillow to keep from hollering at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night! I learned quick – don’t watch him! Seeing him work my cock was too much! Mostly I rubbed his back and ran my fingers through his hair while gazing at the ceiling in complete awe! I warned him I was getting close but Corey hummed on my dick! I felt it right in my nads! Inhaling deeply, I knew I was about to make one really loud sound and grabbed the pillows to cover my face just in time! When I was done and could almost focus again, I pulled the pillows away. Corey let my dick out of his mouth and laid it on my belly then he started licking it!

Ya know what real sex is like? It’s like intense dares that you never mind loosing. As a matter of fact, you anticipate loosing and can’t wait for it! That ‘dare’ mentality even affects how we talk to each other. It’s like, I’ll tell him a little bit of truth then he’ll tell me something. It also works when we’re goofin’ around. I’ll tell him something completely surprising and he’ll say something to me that’s beyond ridiculous.

When I did Corey last week, I was the one daring him to get more and more worked up. When it was finally over, I felt like saying, "Dude! You reached critically explosive levels there! But don’t worry, I’m right here, holding you till you can move without falling on your face!" Even lying in bed, one of the best parts is being held and kissed afterwards.

We did it again this morning in a sixty-nine. I wasn’t gonna let him suck me again and just jack off! It was real early and we fell back asleep immediately afterwards. But all day Corey had that intense look in his eyes, like he had just cum buckets and I was there, holding his hand and reassuring him.

I’m really starting to doubt that sex with a girl could be any better. There’s only one thing left to try. I found out this weekend that Corey was already trying. He’s got this small plastic bowling trophy. It’s shaped like a bowling pin. He said that the first time he only got the first two inches inside but he didn’t move it for a long few minutes. After that, it actually felt really good, he said. Of course, just talking about it got us really excited! We didn’t have sex again but we sucked face for a good long while!

May 16, 1998

Today was John’s birthday party. Keith’s band played almost the whole day and well into the night. I know I’m just the dude adjusting knobs on the PA but it felt really good to be part of the entertainment. I think most of John’s friends had a good time. A few kids complained about one song or another and wanted to hear more current stuff. They wanted to hear Spice Girls tunes and shit! How could four dudes sound like girls? But when Keith sang Weird, by Hanson, everybody started slow dancing. They actually yelled for the band to play that one again!

And John! OMIGOD! John is acting like he’s more proud to be Keith’s brother than ever before! Once Keith started singing, a few girls gathered. During the second set, almost every girl in the yard was right in front of Keith! So John’s acting like, "yep, that’s my big bro and I’m gonna be a lot like him some day!" Corey and me were hysterical! Not that John would ever switch from straight to gay but he saw the girls watching Keith. And Keith’s gay so none of ‘em will ever have any kind of a chance! I guess John’s hoping to make a few new girlfriends!

Corey’s starting to get tired and impatient so I gotta go now.

May 20, 1998

They woke us up again! It’s a little after midnight. John and I were asleep. Then I heard yelling from Keith’s room and it got louder. Prez hollered, "Noooo!" like there was something horribly wrong. I debated whether to get up and check. Then I heard John get up so I followed him. "Remember to knock John," I reminded. John knocked on the door once, turned the knob and swung open the door. I was standing directly behind John and couldn’t believe my eyes.

There they were, standing but partially bent in half, with their underwear pulled down and they were spanking each other! AND THEY WERE GETTING OFF ON IT! Both of them were in hysterics, like this was the most enjoyable game ever created!

"Knock it off!" John yelled, and then turned to go back to bed.

Keith and Prez let go of each other and pulled their drawers back up, giggling hysterically!

I couldn’t believe my eyes! Shaking my head, I said, "We’re gonna have to have a long talk about this!" then closed the door and went back to my room.

John got into bed and grumbled, "Dammit! If I wasn’t so freakin’ angry I’d jack off but I’m afraid I’d accidentally tear my dick off in the process!"

Of course, I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so now I’m writing this all down. The contents of this little book gets more incriminating with every passing day. Good night.

May 22, 1998

Yesterday, I told Corey about Prez and Keith’s little trip to the wild side. I spent the night at his place. He got a new monster truck race game for his PlayStation so we played that until our fingers and wrists were sore. Then we went to bed. He was starting things up and I was responding but we fell asleep. A few hours later, sometime before dawn, I was rudely startled awake when Corey flung his arm onto my chest! It was NOT fun! My heart was skipping beats and I was scared to death, like the morning of the Northridge earthquake when I was little. I shoved him! He grumbled and rolled over but it still took me a while to get back to sleep.

This morning, before we got out of bed, I told him what he did and SHOWED him.

Corey giggled, "It must’ve been from all that spanking talk yesterday," and then he whacked me across the chest and quickly got out of bed!

I got him back in the shower by slapping the flat part of his back with my flat hand! It left a clear handprint.

The whole day we slapped and punched each other around. His mom thought we had gone nuts because we were hurting each other but laughing hysterically about it.

After dinner tonight, we were watching TV in Keith’s room and still landing a few good ones. They turned up the volume on the TV. Then, at the next commercial Keith asked what the deal was so we told him.

"I dunno, but it sounds kind of kinky to me," Keith said.

Quickly and uncontrollably, I blushed and yelled, "Oh no!" Until it was time for Corey to leave, I stopped clubbing him around and every time he tried to whack me, I caught his arm before it connected. But it started up in the car again on the way to his house. I got the final blow tonight then quickly jumped in the front seat and closed the door! Corey glared at me and I just know he’s gonna get me sometime tomorrow! For some fucked up reason, even though I’m covered with handprints and bruises, I can’t wait!

May 28, 1998

When I came home from school today, I found Mike and Derrick kissing on our front lawn! It wasn’t a little kiss either! They were really holding each other close and getting into it! I hollered and yelled but they didn’t stop! I loudly asked Keith, "I thought it was close friends and family only? What the fuck is this?"

Keith smiled and said, "A public display of affection."

What an understatement! Sometimes I really want to club him! Finally we get inside and Keith tells me how he and Prez kissed in the school hallway with dozens of kids walking past!

I could see how happy they were but this is definitely going to affect Corey and me. Fuck! If Corey had seen it, I’d already be in deep shit! It took me forever to figure out whether and how to come out to my immediately family. It’s been weeks since Corey told me about his little bowling pin and I still haven’t put anything but my finger near my butt! How long will it take me to come out to everybody that knows me? I don’t even like the sound of it.

But that’s what Prez and Keith have been doing these last few weeks. They told me this afternoon that basically anyone that asked was told the truth ever since the fight last month.

Since they’ve been talking about going to the junior prom, I guess I should’ve noticed or thought of it before. Sometimes I wish I could just press the pause button on life.

June 1, 1998

This past weekend, Corey and me went with Keith and Prez to a party at Mike’s. About ten minutes after we got there, I started to realize that there were only dudes at the party! Then Corey and me introduced ourselves to a kid named Howard. This dude Jerry, one of Keith’s friends, said Howard was a freshmen. Howard was a nice enough dude, just extremely shy. He wore a long sleeve shirt and long jeans to a pool party! When I asked him if he was gonna join us in the pool, he started making excuses, saying he couldn’t swim. I told him that one end of the pool was only three feet deep. Then he said that he didn’t bring trunks and just didn’t want to. So Corey and me went inside and got into our trunks. Then we started doing summersaults off the diving board. Once I got dizzy and tired, I went and floated around the shallow end of the pool.

Corey came over and asked, "You like Jerry, don’t you?"

Unexpectedly torpedoed, I almost sank and drowned! Quickly, I looked around to see if Jerry was still in the yard. Thankfully, he wasn’t. I shook my head and said, "No I don’t! I don’t even know him!"

"But you’d like to get to know him," Corey teased.

Jeez! Am I that obvious?! I even looked away from the dude rather than stand there gawking at him! Corey could tell I wasn’t ever going to answer his question. He started backing away and laughing.

Then Mike and Derrick jumped in the pool with us. I was really surprised when Derrick came over with Mike on his shoulders and asked, "Ya wanna chicken fight?"

Up on his shoulders, Mike started imitating a chicken!

Corey quickly said, "Yeah, we’ll take ya’s on!" and started pulling me towards the middle of the pool. Pushing down on my shoulders, Corey said, "I’ll take the top."

I knelt down and Corey got on my shoulders then I started towards Derrick. Before I knew it, Mike and Corey were struggling and Derrick was trying to knock my feet out from under me! After a few moments of stalemate, Derrick grinned and softly asked, "Is Corey always on top?" and SPLASH! Down I went!

Mike and Derrick were hysterical! Corey asked, "What happened?"

I leaned in close and told him what Derrick said.

"So that’s how it’s gonna be!" Corey loudly said. Then he pushed me down and got on my shoulders again.

"All is fair in love and war and chicken fights," Mike chuckled as we started towards them again.

Grabbing at Mike, Corey said, "I’m on top a lot but definitely more of a bottom!"

Derrick cracked up and Mike cackled, "Me too! But I’m more than happy to switch hit!"

Corey started laughing hysterically, knocking me off balance! Quickly I backed away from Derrick and we almost fell again but managed to regain our balance. We then attacked again!

I figured there was only one way we could ever win and that meant I had to say something that Derrick would never expect! After a few moments of debating what to say, I blurted out, "I bet you’re not a real blond, are ya?"

Derrick’s eyes got really wide and he started laughing his ass off! I pushed him hard and swung one leg to knock him down. They backed away to the deep end of the pool just seconds before Mike slid off Derrick’s shoulders!

Still giggling, Derrick started splashing me and yelling, "I am to! Just ask your brother and Prez!"

Mike climbed back on Derrick’s shoulders and they came quickly at us.

"Ask my brother?" I chuckled, "So you show your pubes to any one that wants to see?"

Derrick laughed and nodded then asked, "Ya wanna see?" And down I went!

"Dammit, dammit, dammit!" Corey loudly giggled, "This is totally unfair!"

"I’ve got an idea," Mike said. Then he leaned back and let himself fall off of Derrick’s shoulders. When he popped up and shook the water off his face, he suggested, "How about blondes versus brunettes?" Walking over to me, Mike asked, "How much do you weigh Drew?"

For the first time, I noticed that Mike and I were about the same height. "About a hundred and thirty pounds," I answered.

Then Mike knelt down and said, "Climb aboard."

Finally, we had a much more even match. Not even the silly remarks made as much of a difference. After a good fifteen minutes or so, Mike said he was getting tired. Then he leaned forward and down we went!

A little while later, after Prez and Keith joined us in the pool, I found out that everyone at the party was gay! I kinda figured that Howard was, judging only by how shy he was. But Jerry and Mack totally shocked me.

Corey and I went back inside and got out of our wet trunks. Then I stopped in the kitchen and pigged out on some chips and pretzels. Corey only watched and ragged on me but after swimming around and playing chicken, I was hungry!

During the course of the night, I got to know a little about some of these dudes. What really surprised me was that Mike and Derrick had the longest lasting relationship. I wasn’t sure when they got together but learned it was a year in April. Prez and Keith were right behind them. Jerry and Mack have been together and apart, back and forth about four times in as many years! Since Corey and me got back together in February, we beat them for third place!

June 3, 1998

 

The first time I saw you, every thing else came to an abrupt halt and there was only you in the school hallway. It really scared the hell out of me! I was only twelve and all I could think about was you for weeks! Now that we do know each other and I’ve read most of this journal, I know I could never love anyone as much as I love you, Drew.

You’ve talked to me about some of these things so reading about them wasn’t a big shock. But I have to say that reading what went on in your head during all these events actually made me cry a little.

Do you even realize how much I wanted to get to know you last year? Being short and chubby was reason enough for some kids to pick on me. I guess I must appear gay and that gives them more reasons to harass me. Even though I was miserable, I would still notice faces in the crowd. So many of them thought that picking on the little fat kid was funny. But, when I passed you in the hall, your face never wore a grin. It confused me at first because I expected you were just like everyone else. Then I started noticing you at lunchtime and found a table closer to where you sat so I could eavesdrop.

Do you know that my life at school was hell until you started to hang out with me? I finally started growing taller and thankfully, I didn’t stay chubby. My dad says I lost my baby fat by playing baseball and tennis. I think it was you and the effect you’ve had on me. Never once did you say anything about my weight. You have this natural caring way, dude. Now that I know your family, I can see why. For whatever reason, knowing you has kept lots of those assholes from bugging me. It almost seems to me that maybe you said something to help. Did you? If you did, I owe you a lot.

I want you to know some things. First, even if we had never kissed or had any sex, I would still love you. Your sexual preference may matter to other people but it doesn’t matter much to me. You say you like girls and I’ve seen you talking with enough of them to know its true. But I know about your other side, the gay side that likes me.

I could never say this to you but, if you ever decide to go out with a girl, don’t tell me until you’re absolutely sure you want to see her a lot! Just the thought of loosing you makes me wanna cry. But if that’s the way it’s meant to be, I can’t stop you (even though I might still try and stop you). Please don’t cut me loose though dude. I could live with you having a girlfriend, as rough as it might be, but to not have you in my life at all, especially now that I’ve gotten to know you, would totally destroy me.

Ya know how they say that gay men are very sensitive? I used to agree because I’m gay and I’m really sensitive. But now that I’ve read this journal and gotten to know you, I think that bisexual people are the most caring, sensitive people on the planet! Besides, you’re sexy as hell! J

I hope you don’t get mad at me for reading this or writing in here. You left it out and I tried to fight the temptation but lost. J

All My Love,

Corey

 

June 4, 1998

Oh shit! I swear, I didn’t say a word to anyone! What would I say anyway? "Stay away from Corey cuz he’s my friend and I’ll kick your ass"? Yeah right! Like I’m so fucking frightening! Who would even pay attention?!

What does he mean he thinks he appears gay? How does anyone appear gay?! Corey does not act like a girl! If he does and I don’t notice it then I must act like a girl too! And how the hell could I go out with a girl and keep it a secret from him? I gotta talk with him tomorrow.

One more day of school then vacation time! Finally!

June 7, 1998

Corey and me spent the weekend together again. As usual, we spent Friday night at his place. I told him I wasn’t the least bit angry with him for writing in my journal but I didn’t exactly like some of what he wrote. We talked about that stuff all night and I think we both felt better before falling asleep. Saturday morning we played tennis with Keith and Prez. Then we came back here and he stayed the night.

June 15, 1998

I’m getting a little worried about Corey. Since school let out, I’m with him almost every day and I’ve noticed him going straight to the bathroom after almost every meal. I figured he just had to take huge, after meal dumps. But Saturday night, I went back towards my room and I heard him throwing up in the bathroom. Since he was obviously feeling sick, I leaned against the wall and waited for him to finish. The faucet started running and I heard more splashing, like he was still sick. Corey emerged from the bathroom, smiling widely, which I thought was weird. I never smile after hurling.

I asked if he was feeling all right.

Corey said, "Yeah, I’m okay dude."

Uncertainly, I asked, "Do ya want some Pepto, just to make sure it don’t happen again?"

"I’m fine Drew," Corey insisted. Leading me back to my room he said, "Some spices really upset my stomach that’s all. I rinsed with some mouth wash and everything’s better now."

I didn’t say anything to him but we had cheeseburgers, French fries and corn on the cob for dinner. There really wasn’t anything spicy on the table. Everything was fine for the rest of last night but again Sunday morning, I noticed Corey was barely eating anything. I think he had two strips of bacon and a glass of OJ. I didn’t say anything to him about it all day. He left before dinner tonight though. Corey told me his mom wanted him home early so they could go out tomorrow morning. He also told me that he would be back home tomorrow in the middle of the day, around two or three. But he never said exactly where his mom was taking him.

I’m just thinking and reviewing some stuff in my mind. During lunch at school, Corey never ate much of anything. Usually, he just drank a bottle of spring water. And I’ve caught him making other bathroom visits after meals. Maybe I’m worrying for nothing. Everybody feels the need to heave once in a while and after dinner trips to the bathroom aren’t uncommon. Still, I’m starting to feel that there’s something not right. I wonder if his mom is taking him to see a doctor?

June 17, 1998

Last night I went over Corey’s. As soon as we were alone, I asked, "Are you getting sick?"

Corey grinned and shook his head no saying, "No. What made you ask?"

I explained, "You just worried me the other night when you puked. And then yesterday morning, you barely touched breakfast. The other night, I asked myself when I last saw you eat a big meal and I couldn’t answer the question. You don’t seem to eat very much lately."

Appearing embarrassed, Corey softly said, "I just don’t want to be fat like I was. Don’t you think I look better now?"

"Yeah dude, you look fine. But you were never really fat."

Turning away from me, Corey said, "Yes I was. I still am, a little. It’s not as bad as it was though."

Loudly, I emphatically stated, "You were not fat! And you sure aren’t fat now!"

More shyly than I’ve ever seen, Corey glanced my way and said, "Thanks." A few moments later, he asked, "Did you mention anything to my mother?"

I answered, "No," but soon wondered why he asked. Then I said, "If she ever asked me anything that might affect your health, I would tell her though."

Spinning around, Corey glared at me. It made me feel bad for even mentioning any of it. After a while, I realized that Corey wasn’t talking much and he was keeping some space between us.

There’s one thing I learned from my outburst in January; that’s when to take a break before the shit hits the fan. I waited until eight thirty then told Corey, "I think I’ll head home. I’ll call you tomorrow." Then I said goodnight to his folks and then went home.

By the time I walked in the door, I guess I looked as freaked out as I felt. Mom said, "I thought you were staying at Corey’s. Is everything all right?"

Mom was leaning against dad on the sofa. From the kitchen, I could hear John and Tommy. I answered, "I’m fine, I guess. Just a little worried."

Taking a seat beside them so I could talk softly, I said, "Corey’s not eating right. The other night I heard him puking right after dinner. Tonight, when I told him what I was worrying about, he got mad. Something’s not right and I don’t know what it is."

Dad whispered something to mom. Then she suggested, "I could call and speak to his mother, if you like?"

"I don’t want him to get more angry but, at the same time, I’m really scared."

Mom got up and went to the den. Dad and me talked for a few minutes. He asked if Corey was doing everything else normally. I thought about it and believed everything else was fine. During little league, tennis matches and school finals, Corey seemed to be fine in every other way. He simply had trouble keeping food down lately. Then John and Tommy came in the living room so we stopped talking until they went back to our room.

After almost an hour, mom came out of the den. Looking at me, she sighed, "You were right. Corey’s got an eating disorder called anorexia nervosa."

It sounded really bad. "What’s that mean?" I asked.

Taking a seat beside me she explained, "It’s basically self starvation. Anorexic people are always on a diet. They feel that they must be slimmer but they never reach the point where they’re happy with their weight or appearance. Ninety percent of anorexics are girls or women. It usually starts during adolescence.

"Months ago, Corey’s mom noticed changes in his eating patterns and she has been taking him to the doctor. She didn’t know that he was forcing himself to vomit though."

Mom continued to explain things, but I was way deep in thought. Corey’s always said things about his weight. If I had known about this disease, maybe I could’ve helped him. I want to help now but it’s obvious Corey’s gonna get angry with me every time I mention it.

So here I sit, wiping stray tears away. It’s three in the morning. If I were still at Corey’s, we’d probably just be starting to fall asleep. I wonder if he’s gotten this anorexia because of me? We’ve had two minor breakups and one big one over the last year. Could he be stupid enough to try and make himself thinner so I would stay with him?

It’s the beginning of summer vacation but I feel like I’m surrounded by El Nino storm clouds. It’s scary to think that Corey might actually die because he wants to be thinner. Anything I did would probably make him angrier with me.

FUCK! This sucks! Part of me wants to bitch slap some sense into him but the other part just wants to hold him and tell him that he was never fat.

I just fell asleep and had a dream. For whatever reason, the dream was mostly about Keith doing situps. There were also these flashes of jeans tags, the ones on the back that show waist and inseam sizes. In the dream I asked him why he was exercising so much. The dream Keith answered, "I want other dudes to find at least some part of me attractive." That’s when I woke up. Yeah, Keith is one horny dude and all but I’ll bet there’s at least a little bit of truth in what I dreamed.

The sun is coming up. Later today, after I get a few more hours sleep, I’m going over Corey’s. Even if he says no or that he’d rather come over here, I’m going there! Corey may not like it much but there is absolutely no fucking way I’m gonna just let him starve himself to death! I think I’ll bring this with me too. What the hell, he’s read almost all of it anyway.

Later…

I just asked Keith and Prez what their pants sizes were. HAHAHAHA!! They looked at me like I had just asked what their dick sizes were! HAHAHAHAA!! They both wear jeans with thirty-inch waists and thirty-two inch inseams. My jeans are twenty-eight inch waists and thirty-inch inseams.

Once Keith and Prez left, I checked dad’s closet. He wears pants with thirty-four inch waists and thirty-two inch inseams. OH! John and Corey are about the same height! John’s jeans are twenty-six by twenty-six! I’m not sure but I think Corey wears jeans that have thirty-inch waists. I don’t know what the inseam might be. We shall soon find out!

June 18, 1998

For the first time ever, I’m sleeping at Corey’s but not sleeping with Corey. I’m on the floor in his room and he’s snoozin’ up on his bed.

I showed him the stuff I wrote in here. He was not happy. There was a lot of yelling and screaming tonight. I even cursed like a truck driver in front of his folks! What I don’t understand is why he’s fighting me and his folks and even himself. I mean - we all have to eat! At one point in all my hollering, I said, "Haven’t you noticed that there’s different shaped dudes out there? Some are big and husky, some are really small and thin and then there’s dudes in the middle. "

In tears, Corey yelled, "I wanna be in the middle!"

"Well your not!" Mr. Seaver, his dad, yelled back. "You look more small and skinny to me! If you don’t eat, you won’t grow and you’ll stay small and skinny!"

"You can exercise!" I loudly suggested, "We’ll play more tennis, I’ll even hold your legs while you do situps!" Then my eyes overflowed with tears and I loudly cried, "Anything ya want, just fucking eat!"

Somewhere along the line I promised Corey and his parents that I’d watch and take care of Corey this summer. It’s gonna be rough, what with him glaring evilly at me, but I really do intend to try. What little dinner he ate tonight, I’m sure stayed inside his stomach. It’s a good thing too. Corey’s five feet six inches tall now but he weighs less then he did last year, about one hundred and ten pounds! His jeans are thirty-inches around the waist and twenty-eight inch inseams.

I’m zonkin’ out.

June 20, 1998

Slowly but surely, Corey calmed down yesterday. I spent the whole day at his house. We swam in the pool, played video games, did pushups and situps together and even hugged and kissed a little bit. He ate breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know he didn’t puke because I followed him into the bathroom every time he went in there. Oh, he tried to run into the bathroom before I could get there! He said he had to shit and it would be better if I stayed out. But I reached up and held my nose and shoved him in the bathroom with the other hand. After dinner, we went back to my house.

This morning, Keith and Prez took us to play tennis. Playing against two dudes that are older, bigger and stronger was a challenge, to say the least! We did all right, at first. We lost the first set, six games to four. During the second set, we started loosing bad. In the middle of the third game, Corey was serving. I saw the ball fly past me. Then I saw Keith and Prez running at me! They dropped their rackets and jumped the net yelling, "Corey!"

I turned around and saw Corey lying on the ground. He was unconscious and white as a ghost.

"It’s the heat," Prez said, "lets get him into the shade." Then he moved to pickup Corey from under his shoulders.

Keith started to grab Corey’s feet when I looked up at them crying. "It’s all right," Keith said.

"It’s not all right!" I yelled, "He’s anorexic!"

Shocked, Prez asked, "What do you mean he’s anorexic?"

"I mean he hasn’t been eating right for a long time. He’s been going to a doctor and everything!" I hollered.

Other people at the courts were gathering around us. Keith looked at Prez and said, "We have to get him to the emergency room."

Someone said, "I’ll call nine-one-one on my cell phone."

"Thanks but don’t bother, we’ll get him there," Keith said.

"Let’s get him in the truck," Prez said. Then they lifted Corey and started towards Prez’s truck. Keith reminded me to gather up our stuff. I did that in a hurry then ran past them to the four runner.

They put Corey down on the grass and Prez unlocked the truck, started it and turned on the air conditioner. Keith folded down one of the rear seats then they put Corey in there. Keith drove us to the Kaiser hospital while I sat in the back and watched Corey. His face twitched a few times and I wiped his forehead with my T-shirt.

On the way, Prez turned around and asked, "He’s really anorexic?"

I nodded and said, "For a least the last couple of months, according to his parents. I just figured it out after school ended."

We pulled into the emergency room entrance of the Kaiser hospital. Keith and Prez carried Corey most of the way to the door when suddenly two men with a gurney came running out. They took Corey and ran him inside directly to a room. A nurse stopped the three of us and asked us what happened. I gave the nurse Corey’s home phone number and Prez went to call home from a pay phone.

Keith and I sat quietly in the waiting room because they wouldn’t let us go back to be with Corey. After about fifteen minutes, Keith got up to ask the nurse if Corey was still unconscious. Then our parents showed up and moments later, Corey’s mom and dad were there too. The Seaver’s were taken back to see Corey.

I couldn’t really cry but tears poured down my face. There was nothing to say either. I sat there quietly and listened to Keith and Prez and the ‘rents. Anorexia is a mental disorder. It’s likely that Corey will always have an attitude about his weight, at least through the rest of his teen years and possibly even into adulthood. Glancing around the room, I saw lots of people of assorted shapes and sizes in every age bracket. It really just blows me away that Corey could be so obsessed with his weight and appearance. I think he’s damn good looking.

To try and lift my spirits, the ‘rents, Keith and Prez started raggin’ on Hollywood stars. Even though they were goofing around, there was still a little seriousness in their voices. Keith called it the "Hollyweird state of mind", where everyone wants perfect bodies and to make it to the big times.

Around noon, Keith and Prez both left to get ready for work. I know they had hours till work but I’m sure Prez must still get freaked out by hospitals. Dad asked if I wanted to wait here or wait at home. I told him that I’d rather wait here. I really want to be the first person Corey sees when he wakes up but I’ll be happy just to see him awake. Dad left to check on John then returned with my journal, a pen, one of John’s Gameboys and some extra batteries.

Soon after dad’s return, the Seaver’s told us that Corey was being transferred to a regular room. Corey woke up but he was asleep again, Mr. Seaver said. Mrs. Seaver took me in the room and she’s letting me stay in here. There’s an IV tube running into Corey’s arm. Yech! How can he sleep with that thing there?

So here I sit, writing down everything I can remember of how my day went. When I look back at my old journal, it brings back clear memories. I wonder what it’ll be like next year or ten or twenty years from now when I look at this one?

There’s only one page left to write on in this journal. The other one was barely half written in. Guess I need to get a new one.

Around seven, Corey woke up. His mom and I were both there. He looked way better, not anywhere near as pale as he was this morning. His mom was giving him hell for creating all the excitement but Corey was looking at me. He smiled and reached for my hand. That’s when I began crying again. He says that he learned his lesson. I told him that I wouldn’t give him a chance to fuck up again. He has to immediately pull his act together because dealing with this is really putting our friendship and our future in serious jeopardy.

"Do we still have a future?" Corey asked.

Shaking my head and grinning, I repeated what Keith and Prez told me many months ago. "There’s gone but just around the corner and then there’s gone forever. I want you where I can reach you."