A New Life - 10. Drew's Journal 1

Drew's Journal

August 30, 1996

It's my 13th birthday. Keith gave me this journal. He and dad say it's a good idea to write stuff out and look back on it from time to time. I dunno. This just feels weird. Maybe some other time.

Sept. 1, 1996

I asked Keith and my dad what I could write in here. They said anything and everything - like I know what that is! So I asked again. Goals. My only goal is to get out of going to school this week! Ideas?! Got plenty of them. Don't know if I'll write them down though. Dreams, too many to count so maybe I'll start another day about dreams. Stuff I did today - I went school clothes shopping with mom and John. Exciting stuff huh?

Sept. 3, 1996

School started today...*groans*. My first day of junior high. Everyone's bigger than me! I can't remember my locker combination! I get lost! I was scared about PE and changing my clothes but it was no problem, everyone just kept to them selves. After class, on the way back into school the older guys were telling us to be sure and shower. I almost shit-da-pants! I don't want guys I don't even know seeing my dick! Thank God only a few guys actually took showers. There was only one more class to the day, algebra *yech*. Maybe if I go in there stinking all the time the teacher will leave me alone? Hehee!!

Sept. 13, 1996

It's a cruel joke for it to be Friday the 13th this early in the school year. Basically it was "pick on the 7th graders" day. I saw one poor kid get hassled over and over all day. I guess I saw him in the halls about four times and finally the kid was almost in tears by PE. He looks so much younger than almost everybody else does. He looked normal in every way wearing jeans and a sweatshirt. My day was bad enough feeling paranoid and stuff but I felt really bad for that kid. Keith just stopped in the room. He asked how it was goin, in the journal he meant. I showed him. He says I'm getting the idea. Whatever! It still seems weird.

Sept. 23, 1996

Yesterday was Keith's 15th Birthday. It was nothin much to speak of. Big parties aren't Keith's style. Mike and Derrick came over and earlier in the day two other guys came over but left before dinner. Keith had a good day though. He got some weights and a bench for his birthday. HAHAA!! I caught Keith again today after school. He's some kinda strokin maniac! I heard him grunting in the garage and thought he was lifting. OOPS! Compared to me Keith's like FUCKIN HUGE! Hope mine catches up some day. Well Keith's seeing the humor in getting caught any way. I pity the first girlfriend he gets.

Oct. 31, 1996

There just hasn't been a lot going on lately, just school and homework and tests. If I don't hit the books right after school I'll barely pass with a C or a D. The teachers say I daydream in class. Mom kinda had a fit. Dad wasn't pleased but we just talked again. He wanted to know if some ONE has got my attention. I said no. He asked if it was a girl. I said No. He asked if it was another guy! I said NO! He asked if it was one of the teachers! I SAID NOOOOOOOOOO!!! He asked to see my notebook. He saw all the doodles and stuff in there. He smiled then said, "buckle down" and left. I checked to see what he thought was so funny. Just cars and trains and rocket ships and the moon and stars and other little shapes and stuff. I swear my entire family is wacko!

Nov. 3, 1996

Generally this was a BAD day. Keith and John were giving each other shit all afternoon until dad got mad. Then mom got mad too. Everyone in the house looks like someone's fixing to blow any time now. I just don't know what to do. I'll just stay out of everyone's way. Now John's pissed at me for hiding out in our room. Shit! Just a sec

Nov. 9, 1996

I've only been awake for ten minutes and the day already seems to be heading down hill fast. John caught me drilling holes in my mattress. The little shit hasn't stopped laughing yet. Someday I'll catch him at it and I'll be certain to embarrass him twice as much. OH WAIT! He's in the shower! We'll see how he likes no towels!

It WORKED! I sneaked in the bathroom and took every towel and washcloth as well as his clothes. I got Keith to watch the show. Dad showed up and was wondering what was going on for all of five seconds before hearing John scream my name, demanding towels and his clothes from behind the bathroom door. I told dad what happened. Keith had a similar experience with John - jeez what a surprise, huh! Any way this was our chance to get back at John's disregard for our privacy. Dad smiled and whispered, "Okay just this once." John heard and saw only me when he made his triumphant naked and wet exit from the bathroom. Then dad and Keith started the whistling, catcalls and stuff and John bolted for our bedroom. John was in a really pissy mood after that. Dad had to take him aside for awhile. I guess John got the whole sex talk from dad cause we didn't see them again for a while. Maybe this is what dad wanted all along. I gotta wonder sometimes.

Nov. 30, 1996

I've been really sick for the last week. This is the first time in three days I've gotten out of the bed without tossing my cookies. I missed Thanksgiving dinner and everything. I'll make up for it at Christmas. Ugh! It looks like I'll be making up undone schoolwork between now and then too.

Dec. 18, 1996

Keith's really bent out of shape today. He wouldn't tell me so I don't know what happened. You'd think someone told him his best friend was dying he's so sad. That's the only thing worth writing about today and even that's not a whole heck of a lot. School & homework, same old stuff.

Dec. 25, 1996

It's been a cool Christmas. Last night we went to mass. Keith was standing on the other side of John but I could hear him singing. The whole section of the church heard him I'm sure. I looked over at him and his eyes were all shinny. He looked back at me, smiled and kept right on singing. We all stayed up really late last night watching Christmas movies on TV. We were each allowed to open one gift at midnight. I opened up my new skateboard. John opened one of the Super NES games. There were a few of those small boxes that could ONLY be more games! The big box to John and me was the Super NES console. Keith opened up a box with some jeans and a shirt. It's definitely the happiest I've seen Keith in a week but he's still not quite right. He loves getting new clothes. Mike was here for a little while this afternoon and he doesn't look like he's dying so I can only wonder what's up.

Dec. 29, 1996

Jeez we've been visiting everyone in the family for the last few days. Driving up and down and back and forth all around California. I talked with mom and then dad about Keith's continuing silence. They said that I shouldn't worry and that Keith just has stuff on his mind. When they asked if I knew anything about it or if Keith talked with me I felt even worse. He was talking with none of us unless we talked to him first. He just sat there in the car looking out the windows or sleeping. I'm beat. Sack time.

Jan. 4, 1997

Just a little while ago I talked with dad about goals. He gave me lots of ideas like how I can't just have the goal to make lots of money without some other goals to support it. All I cared about was passing the next test and getting promoted to the next grade until finally one day I could say adios to school.

"Education is only one goal," he said. "What about family, social or religious goals?"

"It's an awful lot to think about." I commented.

"Tackle one thing at a time," he said, "think of defining immediate, short term and long term goals. Build a good foundation and you'll have some satisfaction. On a weak foundation everything will tumble down around you." When I asked him about the last part he told me, "think about famous people that die accidentally or seriously hurt themselves in accidents. They must not have had as solid a foundation as they needed." He mentioned a whole bunch of rock stars and movie stars, only a few of which I'd ever heard of and how they overdosed or got into fatal car and plane crashes. The idea being that maybe they didn't have the foundation solid enough or maybe they had completed the purpose of their lives and it was time. When I left my dad in his den I was both glad and sorry I brought it up.

Jan. 20, 1997

I just had a nightmare. The dream started out nice enough with me lying out on the grass in the sun. Then a shadow looms over me. I can't see who it is cuz the sun blocks all but a silhouette. The person doesn't say or do anything but the fear builds as the silhouette turns blood red and I can't move a muscle. Then the sky suddenly gets dark and I can hear screams and crying far away. I can almost see who the silhouette belongs too. A long face with piercing red eyes. It looked like Keith, I swear. Then I woke up sweating, my heart racing. I really need to leak but God forbid ANYONE, especially Keith bumps into me in the night and I'll have a heart attack. I'm in bed listening to the sounds of the night. Mostly it's comforting to hear John breathing and Keith rustling around in the next room. Every siren, barking dog or distant howling coyote just set my heart racing again. Thankfully it's Martin Luther King Jr. Day so there's no school and I can sleep late. The suns coming up now. I'm gonna take a leak and try to go back to sleep.

Jan. 25, 1997

Mike came by today. I was surprised to see him cuz Keith's been gone since late this morning and I thought he was with Mike. John was out lord knows where with Tommy and mom and dad were out too. Mike hung out waiting for Keith but when he didn't come home before Mike had to leave Mike and I talked for the longest time ever. I wish it were about happier stuff though. Now I know something that scares me more than any dream or movie ever could. I don't know what to do. Keith came home just in time for dinner looking to me just like I expected him to look, suicidal. I couldn't sit there and eat. I said I wasn't feeling well and I'm not so I came in here. I looked back through my journal and saw it's been over two months since I saw Keith really smile or laugh. I'm fucking shaking like a leaf. Do I talk to mom, or dad, or Keith? I gotta stop crying first.

Jan. 26, 1997

I followed Keith everywhere today. I had to. I couldn't say anything to anyone without knowing. Every room he was in I was there in a few minutes. It finally got to the point where Keith couldn't take me trailing him. He had been asking me what I wanted and why I was following him around. Then he picked me up by the armpits and shook me hard telling me to leave him the fuck alone. Keith's never done anything like this before and I could see he just didn't care anymore about himself or me. I started crying. Mom and dad came to see what was going on. They're still talking with Keith now. I don't know what they're saying but I'm still so scared. Will Keith tell them what he's been thinking and why he's been thinking it? You know I guess I take him for granted that he's there to talk with and to do stuff with. I really don't know what I'd do if one day he was gone and I'd never see or talk with him again.

Feb. 1, 1997

I come home every day to an empty house and study my ass off. I seem to be one of the invisible people in junior high. I talk with kids and joke around but at the end of the day does any one ask if I want to go out or do something? No. I don't ask anyone either so I guess I'm just as much to blame. John comes home a while after me most days. Sometimes he goes out with Tommy or his other friends or they might come over here. Every day after school Keith comes home and spends the entire time in his room, coming out only for dinner. He used to spend time with Mike or Derrick but recently he stays home. During the afternoons and nights I can hear the TV or the stereo in his room. He's apologized to me and I could see he really meant it but he wouldn't say why he did it. There's been an invisible tension around the house. John feels it too. John and I have always been pretty tight but recently we're lots closer. We didn't used to talk our selves to sleep at night. We do it all the time now though.

Feb. 17, 1997

We all went up to Big Bear for the holiday weekend and did some skiing. It was good to get out of the house. I tried to get Keith to go for one of our exploration trips a couple of times but he wasn't into it. John and I went and blazed some new trails though. He and I had some fun. Jeez, my little brother is a real person! Mom and dad were having a good time too but Keith was doing his cross-country skiing alone.

John was walking and talking in his sleep the other night. It's way weird talking to someone in their sleep. No matter how you try to get them back to bed they have their own things to talk about first. It's just not a normal conversation. I gotta say he was freaking me out big time. Sometimes what he was saying was not even in English. If that wasn't distracting enough he's sitting there on my bed talking in strange languages with his uncut dick pointing straight out through the fly in his boxers! I've seen John naked hundreds of times but this is the first time I've seen his dick hard. The foreskin still covers the head. Keith and me we've both been cut so seeing John in that condition was way weird. After saying some long line of nonsensical gibberish John wobbled back to his own bed, lay down and went back to sleep. Just as I was about to close my eyes John started talking gibberish really loud. I'm gonna need an analyst by the time I'm sixteen.

Feb. 23, 1997

Finally mom and dad have seen enough improvements in my grades to let me out of my room and see the light of day. This past week I met that kid that got picked on so bad the beginning of the school year. His name's Corey. He's not quite as tall as me maybe an inch taller than John. He looks younger than John but he's not. He's about 9 months younger than me, about 8 months older than John and in one of those accelerated programs jumping from 5th to 7th grade. We've been hanging out a lot here or at his house. So far Corey and me always have stuff to talk about and we seem to have the same favorite games, tunes, TV shows and stuff. He's pretty cool.

March 1, 1997

Corey wants me to join little league with him. I told him I dunno. I'm really not into baseball. I always wind up in the outfield for an eternity every inning. I like watching tennis most. Maybe I'll see if he'll join summer tennis with me if I join little league with him.

Last night John was talking tough again saying shit about how big his dick is. He does this a lot lately. I had to laugh but that only made him push the whole topic even more. What the hell does he know about big dicks any way?! I don't know nuthin' so he can't possibly. Of course he dared me to whip it out and prove mine gets bigger than his does so I did. All that talk about stiffies and well, ya know. Even though it seemed to me that I was only a little bit bigger he was impressed enough to give up the battle without a ruler and pulled his boxers up. He looked really depressed having lost though so I reminded him I'm almost two years older. All that talk about erections sure kept mine up! John asked if I was gonna jack-off before I went to sleep and if he could watch! Jeez he was persistent about it saying it was my job to teach him how. I never asked Keith to show me how! "Just get some damn hand lotion," I told him. The only way I could get out of doing it was to promise him we'd do it some other time. Hopefully he'll figure it out all by himself and I won't have to deal with the embarrassment. All of which reminds me I never did take care of that last night.

March 6, 1997

Keith, John and I went to the mall to get an anniversary present for the rents. Did you ever get the idea that one of the people your with isn't really there. That was the way Keith was the whole time at the mall, like he was distracted. He was smiling and joking with us but I could tell now and again it was forced and he'd rather be doing something else. Between the three of us we had just over twenty dollars pooled from our allowance. What could we get for them with only twenty dollars? While we walked around the mall we found a small ceramic killer whale in a Hallmark gift shop. Both our parents are into that "save the whales" stuff so we got that for them.

March 9, 1997

There's one thing about our parents. If we had chipped in for a plastic toilet paper holder they would have loved it. They were really happy with the little ceramic whale though and mom made room for it on the fireplace mantle.

March 16, 1997

I've been spending lots of time with Corey warming up for little league. Spring is the greatest time of the year. The hills are green, the days are warm but not too hot and you can sleep at night with the window open.

March 26, 1997

Today when I got home from Corey's everyone else was already home, even mom and dad. When I saw their cars in the driveway I knew something was going on. It was way too early for them to be home. There was no TV on, no music, only whispering. I found everyone in dad's den looking through photo albums. Keith was sitting on the floor with a big smile on his face, a welcome change from the frown or blank expression of previous weeks but his face was shinny, like it was wet. His eyes were all puffy and so were John's. I asked what was up and why everyone's sitting around looking at pictures. I'll never forget my mom coming over, hugging me and whispering, "Aldo is gone." I'm such a jerk sometimes. I don't remember what I said but it was something like "What do you mean gone? Gone where?" I called for him but he didn't come. I looked for him in his favorite napping places but he wasn't there. I looked at the food and water dishes on the kitchen floor. I tried to hold it back,really, until my throat ached and my eyes burned. Of course that meant everyone else started crying too. So eventually when we all stopped crying I picked up his dishes and put them in the sink just as I would have any other night. Tonight though there was no need to fill them up. We all went back to the den and looked through the photo albums some more. We cried a little and laughed a lot. He was such a great dog. Dad got him for my first birthday and trained him really well to respond to voice and hand commands. He was never just my dog. He was our dog - all of ours. He was an important part of us all for a long time, all my life practically. Now that he's gone I kinda feel like I took him for granted a little bit. Feeding him and walking him could've been more fun but I treated it like just another chore. I remember how when he would finish eating and then go in the living room and wipe his nose into the carpet then roll around like he was the happiest, luckiest dog in the whole world. Now Aldo is gone. I miss him already. Maybe we'll get another dog someday but not like Aldo, he had a personality.

I just realized that a few weeks ago I was thinking how I took Keith for granted and that now I feel the same way about Aldo. I wonder who else have I taken for granted? I have a lot of thinking to do.

March 29, 1997

I was talking to Corey earlier today about Keith's depression, about Aldo and about why I feel like I've been letting life happen around me, taking it all for granted. I couldn't help but shed a tear or two over Aldo but I didn't cry. Corey could sense it though. When I went over there it was to play catch but I got to talking and Corey was a good listener. We never made it out of his room and I stayed there for dinner for the first time. Before I left for home Corey hugged me. Jeez that felt good. He was listening to me the whole day and he hugged me so I hugged him back and said thanks. HEY! That's it! One very easy thing I can do to show folks I'm not taking them for granted. They'll all think I've gone off the deep end. Oh well! Too bad for them.

April 2, 1997

I had my first ever little league game today and it was great! We WON!! WOOHOO!! I couldn't believe the third inning though. I'm standing out there in the outfield trying not to feel like there's several dozen parents and kids watching me when I hear the crack of the bat. Chris, the shortstop is backing up some but it's going past him. I ran up a little way, put my glove down, opened it and got ready to make my first error but NO! THWUP! I look down in my mitt and the fucking ball is there! I look up and see a pin stripe uniform running to third. I throw the ball to the third basemen and we got the little Yankee beggar in a squeeze play. We're still down by two runs but now we're up. Our first guy strikes out. I'm up. The first pitch is high and inside. Jeez it almost took my chin off! The second pitch is looking good so I swing and much to my surprise I connect! The ball zips past the pitcher, hits the ground and bounces over the second baseman. I make it to first base. Now Corey's up. The first two pitches are balls and the third pitch a strike. The fourth pitch and CRACK! Christ almighty it was LOUD! The ball is fair and in orbit! I take off like a bat out of hell, past second base and the coach has me stop at third. An easy double for Corey. Now Doug is up. Doug is the biggest guy on our team and our pitcher. He's got a strong arm but not so good of an eye at bat. I see him talking to the coach on the sidelines. I'm thinking they might have him bunt but then I say no way! One out and two men on base at second and third you do NOT bunt. Doug takes his first pitch. A strike. He steps back, wiped his hands on his pants then gets back in the box. The second pitch Doug swings and the ball gets a serious whack right past the shortstop and I take off for home. I meet Corey there for a big high five and Doug is standing at second base. The score is tied 2-2, bottom of the third, only one out and one man on second base. The next guy up strikes out mostly on foul balls. Jake is up. He's a small guy but he can run like a rabbit. On the first pitch he swings and connects. The ball heads for deep right field and ... IT'S DROPPED!! Doug makes his way home and Jake stands at second base. That's all we needed to do. The final score, 3-2 Athletics. Maybe baseball isn't such a bore after all.

April 11, 1997

Another fun night at the Hundser house! It started out normal enough but Keith and dad never came out of the den for dinner. John and I were out back when mom called us in for a family meeting. That usually meant something got broke and it was time to find out who broke it or maybe we were going on a vacation or dad on a business trip but not tonight. On this night dad said that Keith had something to tell us. Keith sat on the edge of the couch looking down at his nervously twitching fingers and said, "Guys I just had a talk with mom and dad about a decision I've made. They say I need to tell you guys too." He paused for only a few seconds, looked up at us and said, "I'm gay." My first reaction was "so what?" but I didn't say it out loud. I guess this is why he's been so weird the last few months. All I wanted to hear was that he wasn't gonna kill himself. Everyone was pretty shocked to hear me ask that question, especially John who obviously knew nothing of it. John was in complete denial. He was scared that Keith would think about killing himself. He was scared to have a gay brother. He was scared that Keith would get sick and die. He didn't understand how he could like boys that way but not girls. The most important thing to John was how could he face his friends and go to school with the whole world knowing his brother is a fag. Well of course the whole world wouldn't know! Only the people that Keith chose to tell would know. Another all night family conversation. Mom and dad tried to calm down John but he was only half-hearing things, I could tell. John and I just got done talking some more and he's sleeping now. This is the first time I hugged John without getting slugged. I'd hate to think that my little brother might hate my big brother over this shit. I know one thing though, that won't be the situation if I have any say about it. There's one thing that kinda worries me that I haven't told any one else about yet. I have to wonder if maybe I'm gay too. I know I don't HAVE to be just because Keith is. It's just that I only have one school friend that's a girl and she's a bit of a tom-boy. All my other friends are boys. Corey's my best friend. Sometimes I think that maybe he and I are getting really close. He says stuff and does stuff that makes me feel good, better than anyone else. Do I want to do sex stuff with him? I don't know. If he ever showed me he wanted to do stuff with me I'd probably do some stuff with him. I'm not gonna be the one to start it though! I think I'd die of embarrassment if I said or did something with Corey and we couldn't stay friends because of it. It's been a rough day. I can barely keep my eyes open so I guess I'll crash out for a while.

April 16, 1997

I just had a really long talk with Keith about how he figured out he was gay. He asked why I wanted to know so I told him. We talked about his first date way back last fall. He said he liked the girl as a person and they did have a good time that night. Every time she reached to hold his hand though he just felt it was wrong. When he kissed her goodnight he did it because she expected him to, not because he wanted to. He also told me a little secret about him and Mike. Keith says that when he imagines himself being held or holding someone it feels better when it's another boy. He asked who I imagine myself being with. "I've never imagined myself being held by anyone," I told him. "You will," was what he said. Being a shoulder to lean on for Mike last year was the most important thing in the world for Keith because it not only made Mike feel better but because Keith felt comfortable holding him while he cried. As sad as the situation was they always felt better about things and themselves the next morning.

I'm thinking about the day that Mike told me about Keith's wanting to kill himself. Mike was just as upset about it as I was. His voice was shaking the whole time and he was wiping his eyes a lot. These two guys weren't just friends or best friends they were brothers. No wonder it felt weird for them to jack each other off.

Now I'm just thinking about Corey and I. I don't feel like the invisible seventh grader around him.

One time at a ballpark public restroom there weren't urinals. There was just one long tub to pee in and the toilet didn't have a wall there. We were in baseball uniforms and wearing a jock and a cup so we had to pretty much undress everything from the waist down to pee. When we were done and I was standing back in the outfield I got a stiffie thinking about Corey's smooth white ass and cute little dick. The lessons I learned that day was don't EVER get a boner while wearing a cup and don't EVER try to run like that! Hahaa!!

We think aloud about weird shit sometimes. Like why adults do the fucked up things they do? Everything is either a debate or an argument or a war. I hate confrontations. Some things just aren't worth arguing about. I'm getting writers cramp here so I'm goin to bed.

April 28, 1997

I went over Corey's and Keith went out for Derrick's 16^th Birthday. Keith seems to be doing a bit better the last few days. He's not hiding out in his room as much. John, Tommy and some of their friends were here today playing Super NES judging by the wrecked state of our room.

May 20, 1997

Today was John's 12^th birthday. We had a party with lots of his friends here.

June 20, 1997

YAAAAA! Another school year over and out! Summer at last! Shit! It's been a month since I wrote anything in here. Let's see, little league is over and our team did good but not good enough to make it into any playoffs. Corey and I have joined a community tennis class that starts in two weeks.

June 24, 1997

I think John's got a girlfriend! Heehee! I'm gonna make a big poster and tape it up over his bed!

When John saw the poster over his bed he just about flipped out. He jumped on his bed, tore the poster down and chased me around the house and the back yard.

June 25, 1997

After I woke up this morning there was this strange happy person sitting in the kitchen. Keith was smiling. I wondered, "Did he win the supper lotto or what?" I went out to the backyard with my breakfast then went to the shed and got the bag of wood chips my dad had asked me to spread around under the trees and shrubs at the edge of the yard. While I was doing that Keith came out with some red headed guy. His name was Preston. It seemed as if he was a nice enough dude but I had lost my voice somehow and all I could do was raise one hand and say "hey". Later in the day before dinner Keith and Preston were in the bathroom together. I think I heard them crying behind the closed door when I knocked to tell them dinner was almost ready. During dinner we all got to know Preston better. Jeez every question was answered in detail. How he managed to clean his plate and talk so much I'll never know. He must've been swallowing stuff whole cuz I never saw a mouthfull of chewed up chicken. All during dinner Keith looked at him like he was some kind of super hero or angel or something. After all Keith's been through this year I sure hope he's really as nice as he acted in front of my folks.

June 26, 1997

After I woke up and got out of the bathroom I was in my room looking for some ratty old clothes to do lawn work in. I heard stuff from Keith's room through the wall. Yeah there's no doubt they were having some serious fun over there. No sooner did I think how lucky Keith was did I start worrying about if this guy was gonna stomp on my brother's heart. I feel a little bit better about that now. Preston did the most amazing thing today. He stayed here with Keith and helped us do yard work! Mike or Derrick never stuck around for stuff like that. I probably wouldn't do it either. Preston and I talked for a little while. He's definitely a nice guy. If something happens between him and Keith it will just be one of those things. I'm as sure as I can be he wouldn't hurt Keith on purpose.

June 30, 1997

This past weekend we all went to Big Bear and Prez came with us. There's something about that guy. He's serious as a heart attack one second and wacky and goofing around the next. Those two guys must really be in love. John and I had to go get rid of about five pounds each worth of breakfast so we went back to the cabin and caught Keith and Prez fooling around. John boosted me up and I peaked in the cabin window and saw Keith sucking Prez's dick! A few minutes later I boosted John up to see if the coast was clear and we could use the bathroom. John saw Prez doing Keith! Then the shouts started and we busted up laughing and took off before we were caught. We never told Keith all of what we saw, only that we heard stuff. John and I used a smelly public restroom then went and played Nerf football for awhile. When we saw them at the lake we just had to goof on our big brother. It was fun. Keith's not only back to his old self he's better than ever. If this is what love does to a guy jeez I can't wait for my turn.

July 3, 1997

I'll be spending the weekend with Corey and his family. I gotta say I'm nervous. I've never slept over anyone's house other than my cousins. I think I'm starting to feel a little something more than friendship for Corey. He's not the chubby little dork I saw at the beginning of the school year. He's really cute and has a heart of gold. One night we were watching Homeward Bound on the Disney channel. The part at the end, where the old dog falls in the hole and can't get out always rips my heart in two, maybe because of Aldo. What was trippy was hearing Corey sniffle and seeing him wipe his eyes. I actually miss him when we can't spend some time together. I don't know if I could do anything with him even if he wanted to. I like our friendship just the way it is for now. We got some cheap tennis rackets and started practicing volleys and serves this past week. It's fun being with him. I hope I'm worrying for nothing here. Just cuz my brother's gay doesn't mean I am or Corey is. I was gonna talk with Keith about Corey but he left with Prez, Mike and Derrick for Disneyland already. The butterflies in my stomach feel more like California Condors.

July 5, 1997

OH!

MY!

GOD!

Omigod! Corey kissed me! Not only that but I didn't push him away. I liked it! I kissed him back! I liked the way his lips felt against mine. I liked the way his hand lightly stroked my arm while he was kissing me. I liked his smile when he was done kissing me. I liked holding him close while we slept. I gotta talk with Keith or maybe Prez. Oh shit! If John finds out he's gonna flip. What's my dad and mom gonna say? I gotta hide this journal really good from now on. I'm just not ready for anyone to find out about this.

July 10, 1997

I just got back from Corey's house. I spent the night there last night. We played tennis all afternoon yesterday then played video games, watched TV and talked until almost two in the morning. When we spread out the blankets to crash out Corey asked me why I hadn't made any moves on him. He was shaking. I could see it and hear it in his voice. I had no real reason just that I wasn't ready. My dick was plenty ready and so was his but my brain and heart said no. That wasn't a good answer I guess cuz he started wiping tears from his eyes. It took a good hour or more of talking quietly in the night about our friendship, about girls and school and all the sex stuff that guys do together to finally get him to understand a little bit. I told him I was happy just kissing him and holding him when we slept together. Jeez that looks weird! I'm not even 14 yet and I'm talking about sleeping with someone. That's what we're doing though, kissing and holding each other while we sleep.

July 14, 1997

I got some paper clips and covered up some of my journal entries then took the book with me into Keith's room. He knows what's going on now. We talked for a long time until Prez came over after work. I made Keith promise not to tell Prez. He said he most definitely would not because it's not his place to. He trusts me not to tell about him and I haven't so now I have to trust him. I also have to figure out if Corey and I trust each other. He thinks that's why I haven't done anything with Corey. He told me a little something that I didn't already know. Keith and Prez have promised each other that they won't have sex with anyone but each other and if that ever changed the rest of the friendship might crumble because of the lack of trust. Keith thinks about Prez all the time. I can tell sometimes when he is too. It's like he's sitting there but one look in his eyes tells you he's really not there. So now I need to talk with Corey and find out what the deal is. Does he trust me as much as I trust him? Are we just gonna have a bit of fun once and never again or will it be kind of like Keith and Prez? Both those options sound kinda scary to me. I don't wanna have sex with him once and throw away the rest of our friendship. I don't know if I can promise him that I'll save the best of myself only for him.

July 16, 1997

Corey and I played doubles against two other guys in our tennis class today. He wanted me to spend the night tonight but I said no and told him the God's honest truth. I've got stuff to think about and answer. He looked really sad like maybe I was gonna go and never come back again. A tight hug, a quick kiss and my promise that I'd be back was all it took to put that great smile back on his face.

I can hear Keith and Prez in the next room laughing. Sometimes I look at them and say "that's what I want" but I say the same thing when I see my dad kiss my mom. What the fuck do I want? Do I really want a boyfriend? Dammit!

July 21, 1997

I spent the night at Corey's again last night. He asked me if I was still thinking. I said, "Yeah". Not another word was said about that topic for the rest of the night. We did all our usual stuff, TV and video games until we went to sleep. Actually he slept and I watched him sleep. He was happy to have me there with him. Why can't I take that one small step that would make us both happy? Why can't I ask him how he wants us to be?

July 28, 1997

Corey told me today that he would be going to Europe with his family next month. I thought it was really cool and told him to take lots of pictures to show me when he gets back.

July 31, 1997

I have only one question to ask today. Why can't I be a desperately horny teenager like every other guy and let Corey do what he wants? I must be outta my fuckin mind!

Aug. 14, 1997

I finally asked Corey today about what he wants from our friendship and anything else it might develop into. I couldn't bring myself to ask him face to face so I phoned him instead. We got into a little argument because he said he wanted only me and right away. I told him what decisions we needed to make together and that I could wait for him to give it as much thought as I've been giving it. I finally gave in to his asking me to come over before they left for Europe. We sat there without a word to say for over an hour. Before I left I told him I feel bad for asking what I asked. He said I shouldn't feel that way. Now that he knows what I've been thinking about all this time he's just needing to think too. When I was walking home I had this feeling that I just pushed my best friend away and I'd never see him again.

Aug. 15, 1997

Corey and his family left for Europe today. No one's home. No body to talk with. I'll go watch more TV or play some video games. Maybe we'll have an earthquake to add some excitement to the day. Maybe we'll have a few aftershocks for the next two weeks to keep me busy until Corey comes back home. He's only been gone for what, 3 hours and I'm already so lonely and bored I could scream.

Aug. 29, 1997

For the last two weeks I've done pretty much nothing except wait for Corey. Watching Keith and Prez gaze deeply into each other's eyes and make out only makes me feel worse. I could've had some of what they have. I know now that if Corey still wants me I'm ready to give myself to him. If Corey wants to keep it a secret, that's fine. If he just wants to try stuff once that's fine too, so do I. His plane should've landed by now. I'm gonna be waiting on his front door step for him and ask him to spend the night here.

Aug. 30, 1997

It's after 3AM. Corey had to remind his parents that it's my birthday before they allowed him to spend the night here. During the walk home he asked if I had made any decisions. I said I had and I asked if he had thought about things. What he said was so funny!

Corey said, "Yeah I've been thinking about things. My thing and your thing." While I was laughing he continued, "Drew you know that I really like you a lot. This whole year has been the best in my life and I think it's because of you. I don't just want your dick, dude. I've been happy to hold you and be held by you all those nights."

"So how do you want it to be?" I asked.

"Why don't we just let things happen and see where it leads us. We don't have to tell anyone until we have a better gr, ummm..."

"You were gonna say a better grip, huh?" I laughed.

"Yeah, well you know what I meant." He giggled.

"Corey?"

"Yeah, Drew?"

"Race ya!" I shouted as I took off down the street.

Corey and I had the best time ever tonight. We were in my dad's den on the sofa sleeper. It was so great to have him lay close to me and jack my cock. Just when I thought he was gonna keep speeding up and finish me off he'd slow down or stop to rest his hand rubbing his thumb over the tip. Never knowing what he was gonna do or when was the most intense part. Finally Corey got real close to me and finished me off while whispering orders in my ear, "Yeah dude. Cum for me. Shoot it." I couldn't believe the load that splashed all over my stomach. Never had I cum like that before. Corey kissed me deeply while he drained every last drop from my cock. My mind was still spinning when I saw Corey hold his cum covered hand in front of his mouth and lick it clean. I couldn't stop thanking him for making me feel so fantastic. Corey was kissing me again when I pushed him back and took his cock in my hand. He smiled and shivered and whispered my name in the cutest voice I ever heard escape his lips. His left arm was wrapped around my back and he was occasionally licking my arm and shoulder while I stroked away. I prevented his orgasm once by squeezing the base of his cock tight. After a minute I started slowly jacking him and built up speed. His muscles tightened, his toes curled and I leaned down to kiss him while he shot his spunk. To make him feel that good was at least as satisfying as having him do me. Corey snuggled up to me and the last thing I heard him say before he went to sleep was "I love you Drew."

It has a nice ring to it, don't ya think?

Now I REALLY need to talk with Keith and Prez cuz I think I love him too. Maybe if I have the chance some day soon I'll get Keith and Prez and Corey and me together for a quick read of this journal. Then again, maybe not. I'm gonna go back to sleep now next to the best friend a guy could ever have. If this is the start of my birthday I can't wait to see what the rest of the day has in store for me.