Hubris: Alan & Matt - 1. Alan & Matt

‘Fucking Nick! I can’t fucking believe he’d do something like that!’ Alan looked ready to punch the wall or something. His face was red. He looked livid.

‘Alan,’ Matt said helplessly. ‘Just . . . calm down, okay?’

Alan turned to him, frowning. ‘You knew about this. Didn’t you?’

Matt looked away. Meeting Alan’s gaze was difficult just then, but finally, he nodded.

Alan’s outburst was expected, but Matt still flinched as he roared, ‘What the fuck, Matt? You went all this time, and knew, and didn’t tell Dave? Some friend you are!’

‘What, I should have betrayed Nick’s trust instead? I fucking hate what he did, Alan, but it shouldn’t have come from me. If I thought for a second it would help . . . But it wouldn’t have. Nick should have told him straight away, but—’

‘So, now what?’ asked Alan. ‘You breaking up the band?’

Matt frowned. ‘No. We’re not. Alan, I’m still Nick’s friend.’

Alan’s expression darkened even more, if that was even possible. ‘What, you choose him over Dave? The cheating fucking cunt, you pick his side?’

‘I haven’t taken anyone’s side! Neither of them has asked me to choose. Nick needs me, and The Oxymorons are gonna keep playing.’

‘Fuck you!’ Alan spat, and then he stormed out, slamming the front door.

Matt gave a frustrated sigh and ran his fingers through his hair. Of course Alan had reacted this way. He was loyal to a fault and Dave was his best friend. And Matt didn’t want him to be any other way. He just hoped that their relationship mattered more to Alan than this.

Just before Christmas, the two of them had gone from friends who shag exclusively to actual boyfriends. It had been a bit of an adjustment for them both, and Alan still wasn’t entirely comfortable with them being affectionate around other people, except for the inner circle. This was challenging for Matt, who was deeply affectionate in general and quite handsy with everyone he cared about. Matt wanted to touch Alan whenever they were together, and it was very difficult not to.

His phone rang in his pocket. It was Nick, and Matt answered. ‘Hey.’

‘Hey.’ Nick sounded tired and subdued. This wasn’t exactly a surprise.

‘What’s up?’ Matt asked and sat down on the sofa. ‘You okay?’

‘Not really. Just . . . wanted to talk to someone. How . . . how was your day?’

Matt smiled. ‘Oh, you know.’ He debated with himself for a moment on whether or not to tell Nick about what had just happened, but in the end, he decided to just be honest about it. Friendship went both ways. ‘Had a fight with my boyfriend, but other than that, not too bad.’

There was a brief silence on the line. ‘Was it . . . What about?’

What Nick wanted to ask, of course, was whether it had been about him, and Matt knew it. ‘Yeah, it was about you. He’s livid. Of course.’

‘Figured he would be. Don’t suppose he’ll ever speak to me again . . . So why did you fight?’

‘Cause he realised I knew about Brian all along and didn’t tell Dave. Then I said we’re not breaking up the band, and that I’m still your friend, so . . . He fucked off.’

‘Shit . . . I’m sorry, mate. This is all my fault.’

Matt couldn’t really argue with that, but decided not to say it out loud. ‘It’s okay. We’ll work it out.’ He wished he was as sure as he sounded. It was probably going to take some work to get Alan to forgive him, or even to talk to him.

‘Yeah. Hope so. I mean, if you love each other, you’ll figure it out, yeah?’

Matt bit his lip. There was that word. Love. Did he love Alan? He had very strong feelings for him, but he had nothing to compare them to. He couldn’t really say that he had loved anyone romantically before, not really. Neither of them had said it. It didn’t seem likely that Alan would be the first to.

He shook the thought from his head. ‘Yeah. We’ll be fine.’ He paused. ‘Missed you at the end of year thing today.’

Nick was silent for a moment. ‘I quit. You know that.’

‘Yeah, but . . .’ Matt pursed his lips. ‘You could have come anyway. Your adoring fans would have liked to see you one last time.’

Nick snorted. ‘Adoring fans?’

‘Do you have any idea how many people approach me on like a daily basis asking when we’ll next be performing? And since you stopped coming, they all ask about you, too. Stu’s getting it, too. I’d say he was annoyed, but he actually seems oddly pleased with how everyone obsesses over you.’ He paused. ‘Have you told him about . . . ?’

‘Yeah. Yesterday. He . . . came over to my place. He didn’t care. Not as in, he acted indifferent, but he didn’t care about what I’d done. Said it didn’t change anything as far as he was concerned. It was . . . nice. I don’t know what I expected—I mean, he’s Stuart. But he was just nice about it. It was weird.’

‘I dunno, it makes sense. He’s your friend, not Dave’s. Strange as it sounds, I think he cares about you.’

‘I think so too,’ said Nick, and there was a smile in his voice. ‘No idea why, but there you have it. Anyway, I should go. You . . . I hope things work out, between you and Alan. I really don’t want . . .’ He trailed off, but Matt knew what he had meant to say.

‘Yeah. Thanks. I’m sure it will all be fine. I’ll talk to you later. Practice at Bob’s on Tuesday?’

‘Yeah, sure. Talk later.’

Matt hung up, staring at the phone for a few minutes. Nick was right, the fight had been because of him. But Matt couldn’t hold that against him. He’d been in that position, in that situation. He’d been the one who fucked up before, and he knew that now more than ever, Nick needed friends. He had no intention of abandoning him, and Alan would just have to accept that. God, he hoped Alan would accept that.

* * *

Alan walked home in a rage. He had never felt more furious before in his life. How could Matt do this? How could he be friends with Nick after what he’d done? How could he have kept Nick’s indiscretion a secret for months?

He felt like he had been wrong to trust and care about Matt. If he could keep a secret like that, what was to stop him from doing something like it himself? Matt had been a player, he’d slept with all sorts of people. What was to say he wasn’t shagging someone else on the side?

Before he even opened the front door, Alan could hear the row taking place inside. The words were muffled and indistinct, but it was clear that his father was shouting at his mother. With a sigh, he entered the house and walked straight past the kitchen, where the row was taking place. He tried to shut it all out but it was hard not to catch some of it. ‘If you can’t even cook a decent meal, what are you good for, woman?’

A tiny, stupid thing, turned into a massive fight. As usual. Alan took the stairs two at a time, trying to block out the shouting, and went into Susanne’s room. She was sat on her bed, legs pulled up underneath her, holding onto a stuffed rabbit. Alan sat down on the bed next to his sister and put an arm around her.

‘You okay, cupcake?’ he asked softly.

She nodded. ‘Just wish he’d stop shouting.’

Alan sighed. ‘Yeah. Me too.’

‘Where were you?’ Susanne asked, glancing up at him.

‘With a friend.’

‘With Dave?’

‘No,’ said Alan. ‘With Matt.’

Susanne nodded. ‘Hey, Alan?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Is Matt your boyfriend?’

Alan stiffened, staring at her in stunned silence. ‘I . . . No . . . You’re six, how do you even—?’

‘I know about gay people, Alan, I’m not an idiot.’

Alan swallowed and looked away. What did he do now? Did he lie to his baby sister, who trusted and loved him? If his dad found out . . . Alan still remembered the time his dad had caught him kissing Dave, when they were kids. Sometimes he felt like he could still feel the bruises, and he shuddered.

Taking a deep breath, he finally said. ‘Yeah. You can’t tell Mum and Dad, okay?’

‘Of course I won’t.’ She smiled at him.

‘How did you know?’

Susanne shrugged. ‘I dunno. You hang out with him a lot, and one time when we met him at the shops you kind of . . . It just looked like you really liked him. Like, not like you like Dave. Different.’

Alan blushed. If his six-year-old sister could see it, what if everyone else could too? He sighed. ‘We had a fight, though. So I’m not sure what’s gonna happen now.’

‘It’ll be fine,’ said Susanne with the kind of finality only a six-year-old is capable of. ‘You’re in love.’

He ruffled her hair. In her mind, that was all that was needed. If two people were in love, they’d have their happily ever after. Alan knew that it wasn’t so simple. And anyway, was he in love with Matt? More importantly, was Matt in love with him? They’d been shagging for over a year, and they were boyfriends, and they definitely had strong feelings for each other, but that didn’t necessarily mean . . .

‘Row’s over,’ said Susanne.

She was right. The shouting had stopped. Alan nodded. ‘Yeah. I’d better go check on Mum. And you should be in bed, cupcake.’

His sister rolled her eyes. ‘Yeah, yeah.’ She fidgeted with the bunny. ‘Will you come tuck me in after?’

Alan kissed her forehead. ‘’Course I will.’

He was impressed with his little sister. She was wise beyond her years, which also meant she could be a precocious brat, but Alan loved her to bits. She was easy to love, kind an empathetic as she was. As difficult as things were at home for them both, he was confident that Susanne would turn out okay.

Alan found his mother doing the dishes. It didn’t look like the fight had gotten physical this time. She had no bruises that he could see, her hair was still in its ponytail, and there were no signs of a struggle in the kitchen. That was something at least.

‘You okay?’ he asked, leaning up against the kitchen counter. His mother nodded. ‘You sure?’

‘Yes, Alan. I’m fine.’

‘What was it this time?’

She sighed. ‘Nothing, really. I burnt the chops.’

Alan frowned. ‘You burn the chops and he shouts at you for ten minutes?’ He sighed. ‘This is getting worse, Mum. Don’t you think—?’

She cut him off. ‘No. I don’t. Please, Alan, just drop it.’

He nodded curtly. ‘Okay. I’m gonna put Susie to bed. I’ll be in my room.’

* * *

Matt sent a few texts, which were summarily ignored, and the next day Alan went over to Dave’s place. He found his best friend in his room, not really doing anything. He was lying on his bed, fiddling with his phone, and looked up when Alan came in. ‘Oh. Hey, Alan.’ He sat up.

‘Hey.’ Alan sat in the desk chair. ‘You okay?’

Dave shrugged. ‘Comparatively. How are things with you?’

‘Fine. Just . . . pissed off. I just can’t believe he did that to you.’

Dave shook his head. ‘It is what it is, Alan.’

Alan frowned. ‘Aren’t you angry?’

‘Of course I am.’ Dave sounded more tired than angry, though. ‘He betrayed me. He took everything we had, spat on it, and threw it back in my face. I’m fucking livid. But . . . it happened. I can’t change that.’

‘Well, I’d like to beat him to death with a shovel,’ Alan grumbled.

His best friend laughed. ‘Like that’s gonna make anything any better. Thought you were done with the knee jerk aggressive reaction to things. Thought Matt had mellowed you out.’

Alan looked away. The mention of Matt did something funny to his chest. It made him angry, but there was something else, too. Something cold and a bit painful that squirmed down into his belly and sat there, refusing to leave. ‘Yeah, well . . . He protected that fucker. He betrayed you, too. And that means he betrayed me.’

Dave shook his head. ‘Alan, calm down. Matt didn’t betray me, okay? Yeah, maybe he should have said something, but he’s not the one who cheated.’

‘No, but he’s still friends with the cheater.’

‘That’s a good thing,’ Dave insisted. ‘Nick’s gonna need a friend . . .’

Alan frowned. ‘Why do you even care anymore?’

Dave looked down at his hands. ‘You don’t just stop loving someone just because they hurt you. If I didn’t care about him . . . none of this would hurt.’ He drew a shaky breath and Alan could see tears in his eyes. He wasn’t sure he was equipped to deal with this.

Licking his lips, he went over to the bed and sat down next to Dave, placing his hand gingerly on his shoulder. Alan had never been good at comforting people, other than his sister. While the past year had made him better at a lot of things, feelings—especially other people’s feelings—were still very difficult for him. If Dave started crying, he wasn’t sure how to handle it.

‘You okay?’ he asked. Dave shook his head before giving Alan a watery smile.

‘I’ll be fine. You . . . you don’t have to force yourself, Alan. I know you’re probably uncomfortable as fuck right now.’

Alan frowned. ‘Yeah, but . . . I wanna help you. You’re my best friend. You’re . . . you matter to me. So . . . If you need anything, I’m here.’

‘And if what I need is a hug?’

Alan laughed. Then he scooted closer and put his arms around Dave. ‘It’s not like we’ve never hugged before.’

Dave hugged him back. ‘Thank you.’ They pulled apart again. ‘So, you feel like Matt betrayed you?’

‘Well, yeah. We . . . We had a row about it. Last night.’ Alan sighed. ‘I walked out.’

‘Alan,’ said Dave, ‘my dude. You’re my best mate and I love you, but seriously, you can be such an idiot. Out of all the stupid things for you to fight about, you choose my love life?’

‘It’s not stupid!’ Alan glared at him. ‘It’s important. Like I said, I . . . I care about you, so—’ He cut himself off. Had Dave just said that he loved him? As a friend, obviously, but . . . He felt like he ought to acknowledge that somehow, but he had no idea how to. He closed his eyes for a moment. ‘Er . . . Dave, I . . . you know.’ He felt himself blush. ‘I mean, what you just said. Me too. I mean, you.’

Next to him, Dave laughed. ‘It’s okay, Alan. Don’t worry about it.’

Alan opened his eyes and gave his best friend a sidelong glance. ‘Yeah, well . . . We’ve been best friends since forever, so . . .’ He took a deep breath and let it out again between puffed up cheeks. ‘I love you too, mate.’

‘Well, I thought I’d never see the day.’ Dave smiled at him. ‘It’s like you’ve grown up.’

Alan glared at him again, but he found himself grinning. ‘Piss off, you,’ he said softly, nudging Dave with his shoulder.

‘So what about Matt?’

‘What about him?’

‘Are you gonna talk to him, or what?’

‘Fuck . . . I dunno.’

‘Oh, come on!’ Dave rolled his eyes. ‘You love each other, don’t you? This is the dumbest thing ever to fall out over.’

‘What if we don’t?’

‘Don’t what?’

Alan blushed. ‘What if we don’t love each other?’

‘Of course you do.’

‘How would you know?’

Dave sighed. ‘Look, mate. Matt’s mad about you. You’re even more mad about him. It’s obvious you love each other. So . . . just go kiss and make up, already.’ He tossed a pillow at Alan’s head. ‘Go on. Fuck off. I won’t have you ruin a good thing cause my ex-boyfriend’s a dickhead.’

‘Yeah.’ Alan stood up. ‘Okay. See ya.’

‘Oh, and Alan?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Just tell him.’

Alan pursed his lips and looked away. Then his eyes met Dave’s again. ‘Maybe.’

* * *

A text rolled in on Matt’s phone at about five in the afternoon and he fumbled with it to check it. His heart quickened in his chest when he saw that if was from Alan.

Can I come over?

Matt wrote:

Yes.

Then he sat back on his bed with a sigh. When the doorbell rang fifteen minutes later, he practically ran to open it. His parents were out.

There stood Alan. He seemed unable or unwilling to look Matt in the eye.

‘Hey,’ said Matt, somewhat breathlessly.

‘Hey,’ Alan replied. He licked his lips. ‘Er . . . can I come in?’

‘Oh!’ Matt stepped aside. ‘Yeah. Of course.’

They stood in the hall for a moment, not looking at each other. Then they both began to speak at once.

‘So, listen—’ Alan began.

‘I just—’ said Matt. ‘Sorry. You . . . you go first, if you want.’

Alan nodded. ‘Okay. Er . . . I’m sorry. I blew up and . . . I shouldn’t have. It’s not your fault, and I shouldn’t expect you to just, you know, abandon your friend. I don’t like it, but that’s a choice for you to make.’

‘I’m sorry, too,’ said Matt. ‘I should have . . . I could have dealt with it better. With you.’

‘No.’ Alan’s tone was firm, and Matt looked up and met his blue eyes. ‘None of this is your fault, okay? I fucked up.’

‘Yeah, but . . . I get it. The way you care about your friends, your loyalty, it’s . . . It’s part of what I . . .’ He trailed off. He couldn’t seem to say it. It was terrifying.

But Alan took a step forward, taking Matt’s hand in his. ‘Matt. I . . .’ He closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and his cheeks were tinged pink. Then he opened his eyes again and fixed them on Matt. ‘I’m a twat. I suck at all of this, at being a boyfriend. I suck at intimacy and emotions and all that shit, but . . . I love you.’

Matt swallowed. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest. It was like something had burst, somewhere inside him, and his feelings were just too much, they had to go somewhere. So he whispered, ‘I love you too.’

Alan kissed him, hard, pushed him up against the wall, ravaging his mouth. ‘Fuck,’ he murmured. ‘I fucking love you. I’m such an idiot.’

Matt laughed. ‘Yeah, but so am I. God . . . Come on.’ He took Alan’s hand and pulled him toward his bedroom. ‘I need you to fuck me.’

Alan grinned. ‘Yes, sir.’

They stumbled into bed, fumbling with each other’s clothes. Matt felt like he could barely breathe. He wanted Alan so much. Needed him. Loved him, and it was insane that it had taken more than a year for him to realise that. Alan pulled Matt’s jeans and underwear down and off him almost roughly, to reveal Matt’s hard, leaking cock. Reaching for the lube, Alan crouched between Matt’s legs and took him into his mouth. He had gotten really good at this, as much as he had hesitated in the beginning. Now he went down on Matt with boundless enthusiasm, and Matt threw his head back with a gasp, moaning when Alan’s slick finger entered him. Alan found his prostate pretty quickly.

‘Fuck! Alan . . . Just . . . just fuck me already!’

Alan took his mouth off him for a second and looked up at him with a mischievous smirk. ‘Nuh-uh. Wanna make you come first. Then I’ll fuck you, until you’re ready to come again.’ Then he went back to work.

Matt tried to hold back for as long as he could, but with Alan’s fingers up his arse it was a challenge, and in the end he just gave in. ‘Alan . . . Gonna come . . .’

His boyfriend took his mouth off him and stroked him with his free hand, looking up into his eyes. ‘That’s it,’ he murmured as Matt came. ‘That’s it, babe.’

It was difficult to speak. Matt’s heart hammered in his chest, his breathing coming in quick bursts, and he watched Alan reach for a condom, put it on, and lube himself up. Lifting one of Matt’s legs over his shoulder and staring down at him with intent, blue eyes, Alan entered him slowly. Matt grasped at the sheets, gasping for breath. He had only just orgasmed, his body was still tingling with it, and this felt beyond intense.

He knew from experience that sex always felt that little bit better after a fight. He’d had a boyfriend for a while in Birmingham, with whom he had often picked fights just so he could get make up sex out of it. It had been toxic as fuck, of course, and in the end the boy had left him, finally having had enough. It had only lasted for a couple of months.

But this, this wasn’t just make up sex. This was more than that. This was different. As Alan bent down to kiss him, Matt felt tears well up in his eyes and he sobbed quietly.

Alan immediately stopped moving, looking down at him with concern in his eyes. ‘What’s wrong? Are you okay? Does it hurt?’

Matt shook his head and smiled. ‘No. No, it’s really good, I just . . . I worried that I’d lost you. I thought . . . I thought maybe this was it, that you weren’t coming back. That you hated me.’

Alan blinked. ‘That I hated you? Fuck me, Matt, I could never hate you! Don’t be so daft! You . . . you’re fucking everything to me.’ His face was already flushed, but Matt thought he detected a darkening at the tips of his ears as he looked away. ‘I’ve never felt this way about anyone.’

‘Yeah.’ Matt closed his eyes for a moment. ‘Me neither.’ He opened them again. ‘I love you.’ Now that he had said it once he felt like he needed to say it again, to make up for lost time. ‘God, I love you so fucking much I could die. And fuck, that’s cheesy, but . . .’ He trailed off, unable to say anything more.

Alan kissed him once more, softly, then rocked his hips again, that big, perfect cock of his nudging his prostate in the most wonderful of ways, and Matt threw his head back again, letting out a long, drawn-out whine. ‘Fuck!’

Alan all but growled, rocking his hips again, and then he bit into Matt’s neck. ‘Mine!’ he said. ‘I love you and you’re mine!’

‘Yes! Fuck, yes, I’m yours, shit . . .’ Every thrust of Alan’s hips hit Matt’s prostate. It felt beyond intense, and beyond intimate. It was perfect. Fuck angry sex, make up sex, any other kind of sex than this. This was love sex, and God, Matt was so in love. How had he failed to realise that before? Failed to see that he and Alan fit together like two pieces of a puzzle, as different as they were. As improbable as their relationship had seemed just a year ago. Sure, Matt had been attracted to him all along. He’d been disappointed when Alan had so out-right rejected him during spin-the-bottle at Matt’s sixteenth birthday party. But Alan hadn’t been ready, then. He’d barely been ready when they started this. But now . . . now Alan was ready, and so was Matt. Finally ready to be loved.

It began to build again and Matt found himself racing towards a second orgasm. His cock was leaking all over his stomach and he moved to touch it, but Alan took his hand, lacing their fingers together, and shook his head. ‘No. Not yet.’ His voice was commanding and it was so hot, the way he took control. He captured Matt’s lips again and worked his hips faster. Matt cried out with every thrust, pushing back against him to get him as deep as possible. And then Alan pressed his head against Matt’s forehead and uttered a groan, whispering, ‘I’m so close,’ against his lips, and Matt came with a shout, hands free.

‘Ah! Fuck . . .’ Matt squeezed his eyes tightly shut. ‘God, Alan, fuck!’ He’d never known himself to be quite so verbal during sex, but now he couldn’t shut up as he rode out his orgasm, and a moment later Alan shuddered against him and came as well.

They lay there for a long time after, Alan still inside Matt and Matt stroking Alan’s hair. When he’d caught his breath, Matt laughed. ‘Well, that’s never happened before.’

Alan raised his head and grinned down at him. ‘I’m just that good.’

‘Yeah, you are!’ Matt returned his grin. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. ‘I love you.’

His boyfriend chuckled softly. ‘So you said.’ He sighed as well. ‘I love you too. It’s strange how easy it is to say now . . . Maybe because it’s so true.’ He said it without a hint of embarrassment or self-consciousness. Only honesty and truth, and Matt felt like he might cry again.

‘You just make me want to say it again when you talk like that,’ said Matt. ‘You’ll get sick of hearing it.’

‘Never,’ said Alan. ‘Not ever. I want to hear you say it for the rest of my life.’ Now he did blush, lowering his gaze. ‘And I’ll keep saying it, too. For as long as you want me to.’

Knowing full well that he sounded every bit like the teenager he was, Matt brushed Alan’s fringe away from his sweaty brow and whispered, ‘Forever, then.’