The Struggle to see each other again - 3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

“This way.” Ryan said, leading the way into his house.

John followed Ryan through the garage and through the adjacent laundry room. Looking left, John saw the big screen plasma and dark brown couches in the living room. Following Ryan to the right, the two of them walked to the entryway where the front door was. John watched as Ryan slowly ascended the stairs. “God his ass is so cute.” John thought. As John slowly made his way up the stairs a wave of nervousness and fear took hold of his body. He could feel his heart beat faster as his veins constricted sending more blood through the body. Followed by a sensation of light dizziness, forcing John to reach out and grab hold of the wooden banister. The hard wood felt cold under his sweaty palms. “How could I feel this? He is a guy and so am I. It is just wrong. I can’t be gay. Can I?” He thought.

Ryan reached the top of the stairs and turned to tell John that his room was the last door on the left. As soon as their eyes met and Ryan donned that killer smile, all the fear melted way. John did not care if he was gay or what people would think. All he knew was that he was falling for that guy standing in front of him. Nothing else in the world mattered but him.

“You ok?” Ryan asked, confused as to why John was staring.

“Uh…yeah.” John quickly replied.

“Ok. Well this way.”

The two boys made their way down the long hallway. On each side there were two rooms and directly in front of them was a window. The shades were slightly open, just enough to let the sun cast its magnificent light into the otherwise dark hallway. As John walked he noticed pictures lined both sides of the wall. Slightly slowing down, he looked at the pictures. Most were of distant family members but a few were of Ryan and Michelle. In the corner nearest to Ryan’s room was one that stuck out the most. It was of Ryan and Michelle at a camping sight. They were standing by the lake, both in their swimsuits. Glancing at the picture, John noticed how the rays of the sun made his shirtless wet body glisten almost as if the light was radiating off his body and not the sun. The picture showed clearly Ryan’s perfect body; every tight muscle under a perfectly tanned body.

“Ok Yeah. Stop gawking at the picture.” Ryan said, noticing John had stopped.

“Sorry.” John said, hoping that Ryan did not pick up on anything.

“I know, don’t even say it. I hear it all the time. Michelle is hot. Great.”

“I wasn’t looking at her.” John said, smiling. “I was looking at your hot body.”

“Whatever.” Ryan said, playfully rolling his eyes. “This way.”

John followed Ryan into his room. Looking around, he noticed his room was very similar to his own. On the far side of the room was a wooden desk littered with papers and a computer monitor. Next to his desk was a big bookcase filled with more DVDs than books. To their left, next to the window overlooking the backyard was Ryan’s bed.

Ryan walked over to his bed and sat down on the navy blue comforter, leaning against the wall.

“Wanna watch a movie?” Ryan said, pointing at his impressive DVD collection.

“Sure.” John said walking over to the bookcase turning his head slightly to be able to read the titles. “How about this one?” John said, taking a DVD out of its place on the shelf and held it up for Ryan to watch.

“The Rock. I love that movie.” Ryan said. “Put it in.”

John took the movie out of its case and pressed the blue button on the DVD player; ejecting the disc tray. After carefully putting the DVD in the tray and lightly pushing the tray closed, John walked over and sat down on the floor with his back resting against the side of the bed.

“You know John, you can sit on the bed. I don’t bite.” Ryan said, smirking.

“Ok.” John said, getting up and sitting on the bed next to Ryan. John tried hard not to think about how close he was to Ryan. “If only I stayed on the floor.”

Halfway through the movie, Ryan’s leg fell asleep and he shifted position, bringing him closer to John. As soon as their shoulders touched, John felt a spark of electricity. Ryan was so close to John and all he wanted to do was lean in towards him and kiss him. But he knew that that would be suicide. John could hear Ryan’s quiet rhythm of his breathing, with every breath his shoulder would move ever so slightly; each time gently rubbing John’s shoulder.

Every now and then, John would summon up all his courage and steal a glance at Ryan. He was absolutely perfect sitting there. The few rays of sunlight that entered through the heavy blinds made his flawless hair glisten and made his soft tan skin show off.
As John was admiring the beauty in front of him, Ryan noticed John looking at him out of the corner of his eye. He quickly turned his head and looked deep into John’s hazel eyes. Startled John quickly turned back towards the movie and acted like nothing happened.

“John…I…I know you have been staring at me.” Ryan said in a quiet voice.

As soon as he heard those words, John’s heart stopped, sweat started to accumulate on his forehead as he tried to spit out a sentence. “No….I…it…I…was…”

“John it’s ok I like it.” Ryan said putting his hand on John’s cheek and slowly turning his head to face him.

“What?” John asked stunned.

“I knew you wanted me all along.” Ryan said leaning in close; his lips getting closer and closer to John’s. Closing his eyes, John broke the distance between them and touched his lips to Ryan’s soft moist lips. Ryan brought his left hand up and put it on the back of John’s neck pulling him in closer. John parted his lips as Ryan’s tongue slowly found its way in.

“John? John.” echoed a voice, snapping John back to reality.

“Huh? What?” John said, looking at Ryan.

“You ok? I asked you a question, but you just like zoned out.”

“Yeah. Sorry. What’s up?”

“What is your favorite movie?”

“Well, I really like this one. And you?”

“I really like this one too, but I also like Transformers.”

“Oh me too. Have you seen the new one?”

“No, have you?”

“No. You want to go sometime?”

“Sure.”

“Sweet.”

“Was he asking me out? Like on a date? No he can’t be. Can he?” John thought to himself while looking over at Ryan. Ryan quickly focused his attention back on the movie. John dared to stare at him for a second before also turning back to towards the action on the screen.

Throughout the movie, John fought the urges to steal glances at Ryan. And the even stronger urge to reach out and run his fingers over Ryan’s soft cheek. He tried hard to focus on the TV. Thankfully the action on the screen captivated his attention and the distractions of Ryan were bearable.

After the movie finished, Ryan turned towards his nightstand to glance at the time.

“Wow, it’s already midnight. What you wanna do now?”

“I don’t know what do you wanna do?” John asked. “What I really want to do is make out with you all night long.” He thought.

“Umm. We could watch TV.”

“Ok. You pick something.”

“Ok.” Ryan said, flipping through the channels. “How about The Simpsons?”

“Sounds good to me.” John said.

The two of them watched TV, leaning against the wall lying on the bed. After a bit their attention from the TV dwindled and the two were thinking about different things.

“So…Ryan? Do you like any one at school?” John asked, trying to get a feel of whether or not he was gay.

“Well...I like someone but I don’t know if they like me.”

“Oh. Well they gotta. I mean you’re a great guy.” John said, slightly disappointed.

“Aww. Thanks. So are you.”

“Thanks. But no really, you should ask her.”

“I don’t know. We really do not know each other that well. And we are just trying to be friends. I don’t want to ruin anything.”

“Yeah. That makes sense.” John said, thinking.

“What about you?”

“Kind of the same thing.”

“I see. Hey John? How many girlfriends have you had?”

“Honestly. Don’t laugh. None. You?”

“Actually the same. I never really kissed any one either.”

“Me neither.”

“Oh.” Ryan said, not knowing what to say next.

The two of them just sat there in complete silence. Even though the situation seemed totally awkward, for some reason unknown to them both there was no awkwardness.

After a few moments John broke the silence. “You know Ryan, I am really glad we are friends.”

Ryan turned his head and looked John deep in the eyes and blushing said “Thanks.”

“No I mean it. You are a great guy.”

Ryan did not know what to say, so he just smiled his signature smile. John suddenly felt something he had never felt before. It was not really a bad feeling, just something that he wasn’t accustomed to. The butterflies in his stomach felt as if they were on crack and the thoughts poured into his mind faster than they ever had. “What is happening? Who does he like? Should I tell him I think I am gay? What if he is waiting for me to make the first move? What if I am totally wrong? Will he hate me?”

After a few moments of silence, John decided to finally let go of the fear and confusion and just act on impulse; not what his brain told him to do. He swallowed hard and looked over Ryan, whose honey colored eyes bore deep inside him. John looked back at him longingly, and then he slowly leaned forward. It was like something he could never explain to anyone, it was as if a magnet just drew him towards Ryan. After what felt like an eternity to John, his lips met Ryan’s moist soft lips.

What happened next was something that John would remember for the rest of his life. As soon as their lips met, all emotions and thoughts ran through his mind at once and then there was nothing. All that there was was Ryan.

His heart was racing, beating as faster than its ever beat. His mind was going a mile a minute, but all he could feel was the utter happiness that he felt in that short few seconds the kiss lasted. “I don’t care if I’m gay, I just want to be with Ryan” John thought.

After a few seconds, John broke the kiss and backed up a little. Looking deep in Ryan’s eyes he asked, “Did you like that?’

“I…Yes.” Ryan said shyly.

“So did I.” John said before once again closing the gap between them and touched his lips to Ryan’s. This time John massaged the outside of Ryan’s mouth; searching for a way to enter. Ryan hesitated for a second before parting his lips slightly to allow the foreign object to enter his mouth. John’s tongue slowly snaked its way into its new uncharted territory.

However within a few seconds, both boys were overcome with an almost rabid sense of pure lust.

Ryan and John’s tongues explored every inch of each other’s mouths. John used his tongue to massage the side of Ryan’s cheek as Ryan caressed the side of John’s tongue.

As they were making out, John raised his hand to slowly slide his fingertips down the side of Ryan’s cheek. Ryan reciprocated by sliding his hand over the back of John’s head; running his fingers through his soft hair. With every stroke of Ryan’s hand, John was getting hornier and hornier. With some force John pushed forward, making Ryan fall back on his bed and causing their mouths to lose contact with one another. John straddled Ryan putting a knee on either side of Ryan’s torso and leaned in and slid his tongue back into Ryan’s mouth.

Slightly tugging on John’s hair, Ryan pulled John more into him. John pressed his chest on Ryan’s as he slid a hand into the side of Ryan’s shirt. Ryan let out a stifled moan in John’s mouth as John’s fingertips made contact with Ryan’s slightly sweaty skin. John slowly slid his fingers up the side of Ryan’s torso. Breaking the kiss, John looked down at Ryan’s honey colored eyes.

Just as sudden as the surge of lust came, a new emotion swept through their bodies taking hold of them. Ryan and John’s eyes filled with complete love and sexual lust grew colder as confusion took over.

“I…I’m sorry.” John stammered, his head red with embarrassment as he got off of Ryan and sat on the opposite side of the bed.

“So…so am I.” Ryan said, not bringing himself to look at John.

The two boys sat in silence for a bit before Ryan decided to break the silence, “I think we better go to bed.”

“Yeah.” John barely whispered.

Walking over to his closet, Ryan pulled out a spare blanket and pillow for John. John silently took it and slowly spread the blanket on the floor and laid down. As soon as John was settled, Ryan quickly turned off the light. Both boys stared at the ceiling, not being able to sleep. John had an urge to say something but he didn’t know what to say.

His heart was still beating a million beats a second, and his face felt like it was on fire. It was another emotion John never felt. He couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was. Was it fear? Embarrassment? Guilt? He just couldn’t place it. “What did I do? Why did I kiss him? What if he hates me? What if he tells people at school? Or my parents?”

John knew he had to say something. “But what?” he thought. Every second he thought about what to say, his throat seemed to become drier and drier. He swallowed hard with the little spit he had left and in a scratchy voice whispered, “Sorry.”

“What?” Ryan asked, not hearing John’s inaudible apology.

“Sorry…sorry for acting out. I…I wasn’t thinking…I—”

“John. I liked it. And…and that scares me.”

“I’m scared too. I don’t know what it means.”

“Neither do I.”

“This is all so fucking confusing.”

“Tell me about it. And John. Don’t feel bad.” Ryan said, still sensing the slight fear in John’s voice.

“Ok. I…I’m just worried what will happen with us after this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean our friendship. I can’t describe it, something draws me to you. I mean I barely talked to you before, but now the best part of school is hanging out with you. I know that seems weird.”

“No it doesn’t. I…I feel the same way. And honestly it scared me.”

“It scared me too. I mean what does it mean? All I think about is you. I don’t regret kissing you. It was the best moment of my life so far. I can’t describe it. In that second, the whole world seemed…well, right. I just regret what that kiss might mean. That I destroyed our friendship.”

“You didn’t destroy anything, John. It all…the kiss…it felt right. I just don’t know. What does it mean? I mean are we gay? Or bi? Does it even mean anything, or was it just hormones.”

“I don’t know. All I know in that moment, nothing else mattered. Just you. Being with you. That was all I wanted. I can’t say if it means anything, but it wasn’t hormones. It meant something to me.”

“It meant something to me too, I know that much. But…but I don’t know what exactly it means.”

“Well how about we get some rest and think it over, and maybe tomorrow we can talk about it. What do you say?”

“Yeah. That seems like a good idea. And John…”

“Yeah?”

“This won’t end our friendship. I promise you that. It might get hard at times, but it won’t destroy it.”

“Good. Night Ryan.”

“Night John.”