The Struggle to see each other again - 4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

As the first rays of light engulfed the darkness of Ryan’s room, Ryan already was awake. He barely slept that night and not daring to move, he had no idea how long he lay awake in the darkness. As more light entered his room, out of the corner of his eye he saw John still asleep on the floor. With every peaceful breath, his chest rose up and down. Ryan envied John; wanting a peaceful night sleep himself.

However his envy was quickly forgot as he thought back of the events of the night. He could not help but smile as he thought back to the kiss; everything about that moment seemed perfectly right. Yet in the pit of his stomach he knew it was far from right. Or what he had considered right for so long. But with one kiss, his whole world seemed to be turned upside down. “What does it mean? Am I gay? Is John gay? Is it right?” he thought. All these thoughts were making him feel ill. He felt like he did something wrong and it was that guilt taking over his body. Punishing him.

He closed his eyes and tried to just stop thinking. Just turn off his brain. Even if only for a second. “Ryan?” came a voice causing Ryan to open his eyes quickly. Looking over at the where the voice came from, he saw John laying in bed looking up at him. The instant his eyes met John’s, Ryan came to a realization. Nothing in the world matter as much as John. He was falling madly in love with him. The way he made him feel was unlike the way he ever felt. No girl or guy had ever made him feel that way. And nothing in the world was going to take that away.

“Ryan? You awake?” John asked again.

“Yeah I am.” Ryan answered.

“Hey listen…about last night…I—” John’s words were cut short as Ryan put his lips to John’s.

At first the kiss was soft and gentle, but soon Ryan pressed his lips harder against John’s. John parted his lips slightly allowing Ryan to slip his tongue inside. Gently Ryan ran his tongue over John’s; slightly massaging it. Bring his hand up, Ryan ran two of his fingertips up and down John’s cheek.

What seemed like an eternity, but was only a few seconds, Ryan pulled back and looked into John’s stunned eyes.

“What just happened?” John asked confused.

“I don’t know. It just felt right.”

“What do you mean?”

“My whole life I have been told by my parents and the media that this is wrong. But what if they’re wrong? All I know is that kissing you seems right.”

“Yeah.” John said.

“I thought about last night, and what happened made me happy. I mean yeah I was confused at first. And still am. But all I know is that with you it all seems right.”

“I feel the same way. But…but where does that leave us?”

“What you mean?”

“Are we friends? Are we more than friends?”

“I don’t know. What would you like?”

“I…I don’t know either.”

Both boys looked at each other than at the ground deep in thought. After a few moments, John broke the silence, “Ryan? Will you be my boyfriend?”

“Yes. Yes.” Ryan said, trying to hold back his smile.

John leaned in and soon his lips touched Ryan’s, but this time the kiss was different. It was not the quick lust filled kisses they shared earlier, but a more passionate one. A gentle longing and loving kiss.

After a few minutes, the two of them broke the kiss and decided to grab some breakfast. When they got downstairs Michelle was sitting in the kitchen by herself sipping on her coffee. Looking up over the newspaper, she smiled at them and then returned her gaze to the words in front of her.

“Where are Mom and Dad?” Ryan asked, getting two bowls out of the cupboard.

“They went into town to get some groceries and stuff.” Michelle answered barely looking up.

“Oh ok. Cheerios fine?” Ryan asked John.

“Sure, sounds good.” John answered sitting on the table.

Throughout the meal, the two of them stole quick glances at each other; smiling faintly whenever they were caught. Ryan never felt happier in his life. All other things didn’t matter; just John.

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Ryan lay in bed, thinking back to earlier events. Even thought it only had been two hours since John went home to finish his homework; it felt like an eternity. Ryan never felt this before; even though he knew that John was only a few miles away and that he could easily visit him he felt as if his world had been destroyed. It felt like he had been stuck underwater and couldn’t breathe. The air he so desperately wanted and needed was John; and for now it was gone.

He knew that he had never been in love; just the word itself was new to him. “Love” what exactly did it mean? He saw it on TV. Or how it was portrayed at least. He read it in the plays and stories he had read in school. But to actually experience it was something no words or show could ever describe. He did not know if it really was love or something else. All he knew was that he would take it slow and see what happens.

Ryan’s deep thought of his new found life and love was cut short by a buzz on his nightstand. Reaching to pick up his cell phone, Ryan opened it and views the text.

“Hey Ryan. I miss you already. Can’t wait to see you soon.” Read the text. Ryan read it twice over, each time smiling as he read the words.

“Miss you too. Can’t wait to see you either.” Ryan quickly texted back. He really did miss John and longed to see him again. Trying to get his mind off of the longing, Ryan put the phone next to him and turned on the TV. Soon after he received another text from John, reading it he quickly replied.

Time seemed to fly by as the two texted. Since Ryan could not have the real thing, texting was a good substitute. Before he knew it he was interrupted by his mom calling him for dinner. Quickly telling John bye, Ryan got up and walked downstairs toward the kitchen.

Just like usual the TV was blaring news from the other room, audible enough to hear what was going on. As Ryan entered, the weather man was announcing the upcoming rain storm. “Great three days of rain.” Ryan thought to himself as he sat down.

“And in world news, demonstrators protest on the state capitol in California. Gay rights activists state the upcoming vote on Proposition Eight is not only unfair bur unconstitutional-”

“Fucking queers.” Ryan’s dad muttered over the TV reporter. “Think they are better than everyone else.”

With these words a shudder of hurt and fear coursed through Ryan’s body. He thought back to the kiss and how happy he was. “But what if my parents find out?” he thought. He knew he was happy, but would anyone else understand his happiness.

“Are you ok dear?” Ryan’s mom said, snapping him back to reality.

“Yeah. Why?”

“You haven’t touched your food at all.”

“Oh. I’m not that hungry.” Ryan said, staring down at the mashed potatoes he was picking at.

“You sure everything is ok?”

“Yeah.” Ryan lied.

Pretending all was ok, Ryan absent mindedly started shoveling pieces of food into his mouth. After dinner, Ryan returned to his room and texted John. The two of them talked for a bit longer before dozing off. The next day, Sunday, was a day that seemed to go on forever. Ryan and John both had homework and tests that they needed to study for so they did not have time to see each other and even in their texting they only sent a few texts.

Finally night fell and morning came, as Ryan quickly woke tot e alarm on his clock. Quickly getting showered and dressed, he was out the door in record time. On the way to school he felt his stomach turn a little. It was the first day that he would have a boyfriend. “I hope nothing between John and I are different.” He thought.

Pulling into the lot, he noticed John’s car parked in one of the spaces. Water droplets had accumulated on his windshield, showing no sign that the windshield wiper had been used recently. Ryan parked his car next to John’s and stepped out in the cold rainy day. Running to avoid as much of the wetness as he could, Ryan made it to his locker relatively dry and his hair in near perfect condition.

As Ryan reached his locker, he quickly grabbed his books to get some last minute studying in before the horror of school commenced. The first few periods seemed to rush by, with the testing and all, and before Ryan knew it it was lunch time.

Stepping foot into the cafeteria, Ryan saw the world with new eyes. He looked around and he saw just how many couples his school really had. Something he never really cared about or bothered him before. But this time it was different. A sudden sadness came over him, as his mind played back the words of his father a few nights ago. He longed for John. He longed to hold his hand. To be with him. He saw how unfair it was. Even if John had stood with him that second, he could never hold his hand. The two of them would have to hide. Hide who they are. Hide the quickly growing love between them.

“Hey Ryan.” He heard behind him. Turning to look, he saw his friend Stephanie standing there tray in hand. “Well don’t just stand there. Let’s find a place to sit.”

“Sure.” Ryan said, scanning around for John. “Shit. Where is he? He’s not with his friends.” He thought.

The two of them found an empty table in the corner of the room. Setting her tray down, Stephanie started to make small talk about her weekend. She was telling Ryan about how she and her boyfriend who goes to another high school had such a romantic time together. With every word detail of her story, Ryan could feel those same feelings arise in him. The unfairness of it all.

“Mind if I sit here.” Came a familiar voice behind Ryan. A voice that made his heart flutter every time he heard it.

“Sure. John.” Ryan said, trying to act normal and hide his happiness.

“Hi there. I’m John.” John said, stretching out his hand towards Stephanie.

“Hi, I’m Stephanie.” She said, taking John’s hand.

The three of them started talking about this and that. And to Ryan’s hope, Stephanie and John hit it off well. Before they knew it, the bell rang signaling Ryan and John to History. Thankfully there was no test in history, for the projects were due on Friday, and Mr. Jensen said he would be nice and give them all week free to finish them. However, he did not free them from the dull monotone voiced lectures that could put an insomniac to sleep.

Forty-five minutes later, although it seemed like hours, the bell rang releasing them to their last class. Getting up from his seat, Ryan saw John come towards him.

“Hey. We need to work on our project. How about you come over after school?”

“Sure. That sounds good.” Ryan answered. “I’ll meet you by your car.”

“Ok. Cool. Well I gotta go to class. I’ll see you later.”

“Bye.” Ryan said, before heading off to his own class.

The last class seemed to go by forever. Barely paying attention to class, Ryan’s thoughts were elsewhere. He thought about John and the longing of his lips on his own. The idea of the two of them just making out in John’s room was really exciting him as blood rushed to his quickly hardening cock. Looking up at the clock, Ryan realized he only had five minutes left. He looked up front at the teacher and tried to drown out those thoughts out of his mind for now. Desperately hoping his boner would go down. That was the last ting he wanted to do: walk the halls with a boner.

Just as the bell rang, Ryan’s erection fully subsided. Quickly gathering his things, Ryan made his way out the door and to his locker. After pulling out the things he needed to made is way over to the parking lot. Thankfully the rain had subsided, but it was still cold out; making his breath visible in the crisp air. Looking over to his car, he saw John and Matt leaning against the car waiting.

“Hey guys.” Ryan called out as he got closer.

“Hi Ryan.” Matt said, waving.

“Hey.” John said, smiling.

“Well I’ll just follow you.” Ryan said, getting into his car.

“Ok.” John said, following suit.

A bit later, Ryan pulled up to John’s house. As he got out of the car, Matt was already rushing to escape the cold. Hurrying up himself, Ryan ran to meet John who was standing at the front door.

Once inside, John told Matt that he and Ryan had to work on a project, so they could not play video games, before leading Ryan up to his room. Once in his room, John closed the door behind him and grabbed onto the sides of Ryan’s open coat, pulling him towards him. Their cold lips touched, but within a few seconds the body heat warmed them. Opening his mouth, Ryan allowed John’s tongue to slip into his mouth. John ran his tongue over the inside of Ryan’s mouth. Finally breaking the kiss, John looked deep into Ryan’s eyes. “I wanted to do that all day.”

“Mmm. Me too.” Ryan quickly said before putting his lips to John’s again. Pushing forward, Ryan slowly guided John to the bed. As John’s foot hit the edge of the bed, he fell backwards pulling Ryan on top of him. Ryan slid his tongue deeper into John’s mouth. Bring up his hand, John put it on the back of Ryan’s neck; bringing him even closer to him.

After a bit of intense kissing, Ryan broke the kiss and leaning back took of his jacket. John slid his hands over the inside of Ryan’s shirt; pulling it up slightly. Letting out a moan as John’s fingertips caressed over Ryan’s sensitive skin, Ryan’s cock started to harden. With one swift motion, Ryan took off his shirt, exposing his bare chest to John. John smiled before leaning upward and kissing and licking random spots of Ryan’s lower chest. With every touch, Ryan’s cock grew harder and harder as precum started to leak out his cock. Ever so slowly, John was working his way upwards towards Ryan’s nipple. He was about to reach them when a loud thud hit John’s door. At the speed of light two sets of eyes looked towards the door.