What is Love? - 3. Chapter 3

The morning after that our night out on the town was not pleasant. Sure I had gone drinking a few times but that night I pushed myself WAY beyond my normal limits. My head hurt for hours and I couldn’t stand the sight of food any more complex than dry toast. Excedrin & water were my best friends for the first few hours. Of course I also made myself scarce from Kasey as well. I’d come to realize when we were at the bar that I wasn’t going to be as okay with Kasey staying with me as I originally thought; at least not without confronting him over a few things from our past. Finally around mid-afternoon I figured it might be the best time to put my cards on the table. I had been vaguely aware of Kasey being around the house earlier, I just needed to find him and try to talk about things.

“Hey Kasey, you around?” I called out as I walked out of my room.

“Yeah, I’m sitting in the living room.”

I made my way downstairs towards the living room. I really wasn’t looking forward to this but we needed to talk about things. I couldn’t and wouldn’t just go on ignoring what happened back in college. We’ve been friends our whole lives, I deserved an explanation. When I walked into the living room, I take in the sight of Kasey kicked back on the couch reading a book. After all of this time, the look of him so relaxed still is enough to make my heart flutter a little.

“Reading anything good?” I asked as I settled into my favorite oversized leather chair.

“Just a Sci-fi book. I’ve read it before I just really like the story.” He folded the top corner of the page he was reading, closed the book, placed it on the coffee table, and looked at me. “Uh oh, Why do I not like that look on your face?”

“I just thought it would be nice to talk a bit.” I tried to sound nonchalant, however the look on his face had me thinking I failed.

“I know that look. I may not have seen it in a while but that’s your ‘This is serious’ look.” He tried to suppress the smirk trying to explode onto his face.

I shook my head. I was really tempted to throw something at him at that moment. It was nice to know that his personality didn’t really change in the time away. “You caught me, I do want to talk about something serious.”

“Ok shoot.”

“I want to know, Why?”

“Why, what?”

“I really need to spell it out for you?”

“You know I can be a little slow.”

I glared over at him. “I’m not kidding Kasey. I think I out of everyone you know, deserves some kind of answer.”

“You want to know why I left Sophmore year?” He looked sad at that moment.

You deserve answer’s Lexi. Don’t let it go now. You’ve waited this long. That inner voice in me pushed. I wanted to just forget this talk and rush over to Kasey and hug him and tell him to forget this whole talk, but I had a point; I did deserve to know.

“That would be a start.” I replied. I hoped I sounded more confident than I felt at that moment.

“I was struggling with some issues that I didn’t know how to face --” He dropped his head in frustration. “-- I ran, because I couldn’t deal with it.”

I sat for a minute waiting to see if he’d expand on that statement willingly. When he didn’t I decided to push on.

“What kind of issues, Kasey?”

“Personal stuff that you couldn’t and can’t help me with, no matter how much I wish you could.”

I was silent in thought for a few moments. Did he really not know that I would do everything I could to try and help him through whatever it was he was dealing with? We used to tell each other everything. The next time I spoke it was almost a whisper. “How do you know I can’t help you Kasey? We used to always be there for each other.”

For a brief moment I saw a look of amusement ghost over his face. “Yeah--” he laughed out, “--That’s just it, we used to.” Horror sprung onto his face. “Oh Shit!! Lexi, I didn’t mean--”

My patience snapped at his last sentence registered in my brain. “You did not just say that.” I growled out.

“Alexi, I didn’t --”

“YOU FUCKING LEFT ME!” I screamed out. “You didn’t have the balls to tell me you were leaving. You packed your bags and took off from the dorm room while I was in class. You didn’t even have the decency to tell your best friend that you couldn’t stay in college with him. All I saw was a note with two fucking words on it. --” I still had that note hidden away in a box buried in my closet. I didn’t need to pull it out to see Kasey’s scribble on a piece of paper, the words I’m Sorry taking up the whole page.

“--Did you even know that I spent hours trying to call you on your cell phone? That I texted you dozens of times?? I wouldn’t know because you NEVER responded from me. --”

I was raving like a crazed person. Kasey had shrunk back into the couch in what I’m sure was surprise. I never yelled at Kasey. He had seen my temper flare before but never directed at him like this.

“--I had to hear from your Mom and Dad when they came to get the larger stuff that you were alright, and had signed up to join the State Police. It was a year and a half before you even bothered to send me an email, another six months after that before you bothered to pick up the phone and call me.” I took a couple of breaths.

“I didn’t --” he tried speaking.

“NO!” I bowled right over his attempt at speaking. “That’s just it Kasey, You didn’t! You didn’t care what you leaving did to me, or even what happened to me after you left. Not once in all of this time since you left me behind like that did you even ask how I did it, or even how it affected me. I’m guessing that’s only because you didn’t or don’t care.” I looked Kasey right in the eye as I delivered that line. I could see unshed tears in his eyes and sorrow. I wasn’t going to stop though, I had to get this out finally.

“Well since you never thought to ask let me tell you how I managed after you left, and how it affected me. IT HURT. My best friend from when we could barely walk and talk up and left without any word to me as to why, or even letting me know he was alright. It really hit deep, wondering what I did to drive you off. Why you couldn’t have come to me when we told each other everything! My thoughts were all over the place. I thought about ending my life at one point because I must be terrible to be around and too much of a burden to deal with. Luckily your sister Lucille forgot to turn off her ringer at dinner that night and answered her phone when I called. She calmed me down long enough for your parents and mine to get to the apartment before I did anything stupider than get completely shit bombed.--” I caught my breath and continued on. “--But that’s not the worst of it Kasey. I didn’t realize how much you did to protect me just by being around until after you were gone. Without you there I started to hear nasty things being said about not just me, which I could just ignore, but about you as well. Like how we were clearly dating and I had run you off for one reason or another. The whispers turned into being shoved and knocked around by people that you called friends. Then one night one of your “good buddies” that played on the football team cornered me outside of the apartment building that we lived in downtown and raped me in the alley.” Tears stung my eyes, and slipped down my cheek.

“What hurt most about that singular event, wasn’t what had happened, but the simple fact was that I didn’t have anyone there to help me. I wound up in the hospital for two weeks recovering from what had happened. I never told either of our families. I couldn’t even remember enough to tell the police when they came to investigate.” I ran out of steam and just sat in my chair crying silently. Kasey had crossed the room and knelt in front of the chair and tried to rub my arms.

“DON’T, Don’t fucking touch me!” I yelled again, swatting his hands away and trying to push him away from me. “You don’t have the right to try to comfort me and apologize! YOU left me! YOU never asked about me! YOU never came to visit me when I needed you. That only drove home to me that You didn’t need me, so I didn’t need You! If you can’t talk to me, finally be honest with me, and tell me why you left, you just need to take your bags and go stay with your family.” I was mentally exhausted, and he just sat there mere feet in front of me staring at me looking like a deer caught in the headlights. I sighed, having had enough for today. “The keys for your Jeep are hanging in the garage. I expect you out of here in an hour.--” I stood from my chair and walked out of the room “--Don’t contact me until you’re willing to talk to me.” I called back over my shoulder. With that I walked back to my bedroom and closed the door. I with my back against the door. Come on Kasey! You never just let trouble between us go. Knock on the damn door and we’ll talk about things. I kept thinking that over and over in some form or another. Minutes slowly passed but the knocking never came. After about 20 minutes I heard the faint noise of an engine starting then slowly fade to silence. Kasey don’t leave! With that I collapsed to the floor letting the tears flow freely once more. He made his decision, and we had to live with it.