Let Love In - 1. Let Love In

by Kyle Grey

It's two in the morning and I am still awake thinking. I'm lying in my bed with the covers tossed aside. The initial loud frustration and agony have passed and now the silent anguish reigns. There is a calm silence except for the soft ticking of the clock on my bedside table. Moonlight streams through the one window in my bedroom, dimly illuminating the room. A peaceful calm pervades outside but a chaos prevails inside my head. Stampedes of thoughts chase themselves around and around my mind and silent tears slowly flow. I am lying in my bed unable to move.

My diary is lying on the floor in shreds. I don't need to see those words that fill those pages. They don't mean anything to me anymore. Actually, I should say that they don't mean anything to him anymore. I still care but I can't keep caring. I’m still in love but I can’t keeping loving. It's not like that anymore.

He was so charming that I must have fallen in love with him the first time I met him. January 1, 2004. Kristen's New Year's party. I was hanging out with Josh, Andrew and Emma. We were having a great time. I was going to get another drink when I ran into Brianna. She stopped me and started talking. He was with Brianna. He asked Brianna to introduce me to him. I shook his hand. I smiled. He smiled. I fell in love.

He shouldn't have come to the party with Brianna. He shouldn’t have been with her when I went to get a drink. He shouldn't have asked Brianna to introduce me to him. He shouldn’t have shook my hand. He shouldn’t have smiled. He shouldn't have been so charming. He shouldn't have kept talking to me after Brianna went off to find Tyler. He shouldn’t have hung around me for the rest of the party. He shouldn’t have said that it had been nice meeting me. He definitely shouldn't have made me fall in love with him.

It would have been okay if I didn't see him again. I could have forgotten him but that was not to be. I met him again at Dylan's house. He knew Dylan and he knew that I knew Dylan. As we left Dylan's house, he asked me if I wanted to get dinner. I declined because I was going to dinner with Josh and Lauren. Then Lauren invited him to come along with us. Dinner was just too much fun. He was witty and we were all laughing and having a good time.

He shouldn't have made his company so agreeable. He could have been less witty. He could have been more reserved. He could have not gone at all and that would have been great.

We met at the park the next day with Josh, Hailey, and Brandon. He kept working his charm. He kept pulling me towards him. I must have spent most of that day with him. I even told Kayla and Sophia that I couldn't go to the mall with them. I was going to be with him.

He took me to his home. He took me up to his room. There he told me what I was dying to hear. He told me that he liked me. He liked my eyes. He liked my smile. He liked my hair. He liked everything about me. I was so hopelessly in love with him that I couldn't help but say that I liked him very much too.

We shared a kiss. An innocent kiss. Then the kiss got more passionate. Clothes started coming off. We tumbled into his bed. We passionately made love. We had sex. The first night. He fucked me. He told me he loved me. And I enjoyed it.

We did it again that next night and on Friday night in my room as well. It was on Saturday morning when I woke up to find him gone that I realized that this was not what I wanted. I wanted real love. I wanted comfort. I wanted more than just sex.

I tried to talk to him about it. He said he did love me. He said that we made love as proof of our deep commitment to each other. Two weeks later I found out just how committed, he was to me. I was supposed to be going to the lake to fish with Michael but I cancelled at the last minute and went over to his house where I found him in bed with Matt.

Somehow, I was not surprised. He was just after the sex. He wasn't interested in a relationship. I had just been looking for love in the wrong place. His charms had me thinking that there was something there that wasn't. I was really stupid. I don't know what I was thinking. I should have known from the first time we had sex. Starting a relationship off with sex just doesn't work. There has to be something else there first for it to work.

Now here I am with a broken heart. Here I am tearing out pages that I wasted on my musings of love. I didn't find love. I just found myself pain. Here I am lying on my bed. I need to go to sleep so I can get up tomorrow and be over him. But I just want to stay awake and remember him. I want to still love him even though he doesn't love me. He was just so perfect. He was everything I could have asked for in guy. He was just the kind of guy that I could fall in love with. How do I know if I will ever find such an amazing guy again?

Maybe I should forgive him and be in his arms again, even if in my dreams. I could forget this day and just be in love with him again, stay in love, keep that feeling. I could keep deceiving myself. I could keep living under the delusion that I was happy, happily in love.

Maybe I should just keep things like this forever. I could just escape the pain, the ache of reality. I could do that; I could live forever in my world of love and eternal peace. In fact, I knew just how to do that. I smiled to myself. Everything was going to work out.

I got up and headed downstairs. I loved him. That need never change, never. Nothing need ever change from this moment. I would always love him and the story didn’t have to end. I let love in once; I could let it in again.

I went to the kitchen and started to rummage through the drawers. I would have my happy ending, however sharp, no matter the cost. I found what I was looking and wasted no time. I could do this; I could avoid the heartbreak and the pain that tomorrow would bring.

It would be so easy. Yeah.

I’ll just stay here in the today where I am happiest; still happily in love, still his and he mine. I smiled to myself. I loved him. I loved him. There was no question now, no question that I’d do it, that I’d let love in.

The End