Paramnesia - 1. Paramnesia

Brent slowly rubbed my arm as I stood looking out from the apartment balcony at the ripples in the river, each one reflecting the setting sun.

"Conner?" Brent said softly.

He leaned in toward me and gently laid his head on my shoulder.

"I'm in love with you Conner."

His hand traveled up my arm, across my shoulder and down my chest.

"I really want to make love to you."

He fumbled with the zipper of my pants.

I closed my eyes as he touched me…

*****

After graduating from Columbia University, I was probably the happiest guy in the world. I had found a great job at Goldman Sachs and moved into a new apartment with my boyfriend, Jay, who was still a senior at Columbia. We had been together for a year and were supposedly in love with each other. Then I went down a road from which there was no turning back.

I can still remember that night before Christmas Eve...

I was at my parent's home in Oyster Bay, New York, helping make Christmas cookies with my family. Mom had made the batter and was baking the cookies while my younger sister, Katy, and I were frosting them. Even my workaholic dad was with us, sitting on the kitchen counter with his laptop, working but also playing some Christmas music.

"Conner! Conner! Can you put some extra frosting on my cookie? Please?" begged Katy.

I laughed. "Sure Katy, here," I said as I put more frosting on the cookie that Katy was holding out.

"Okay guys here's the next batch of cookies," said Mom pulling a tray of freshly baked cookies from the oven. The soft aroma filled the room.

"Yay! Christmas tree cookies! Let's decorate these with the green sprinkles," said Katy excitedly.

My heart warmed to see Katy so happy. Katy had been diagnosed with leukemia a few months previously and had been undergoing chemotherapy. She was often very sick and her hair had fallen out. However, she managed to always have a smile on her face. As I was watching my sister put sprinkles on the Christmas cookies, the phone rang.

My mom picked it up but then she handed it to me. "Honey, it's for you."

I wasn't sure who could be calling me at this time of the night. "Hello?"

"Hello, Conner?" replied an accented voice. "This is Jay's father."

"Yes," I replied slowly not sure why Jay's father would be calling me because from what I knew, Jay's parents, being the conservative Indians they were, hadn't really approved of him being in love with another guy.

"Jay had a car accident."

My heart skipped a beat. "Is he okay?" I asked in a small voice.

"They think he will be okay. He's at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital right now. Do you think you could come visit him? He's been asking for you."

"Yes, yes. I'll be there as soon as possible," I replied quickly.

"Thanks Conner," Jay's father replied before hanging up.

I put the phone receiver down and looked back at my mom and sister who were busy adding sprinkles to the Christmas tree cookies. My mom looked up and seeing the look on my face asked "Is everything okay?"

I forced a smile. "Yeah, Jay just wanted me to pick up a few things from the apartment."

"Now? It's dark, honey, and they're saying that there is a chance that it might snow. You don't want to get stuck out there in that kind of weather."

"I'll be okay mom." I stepped over and gave my mom and Katy both a quick kiss on the cheek before heading out to the garage.

My hands started to shake as I got into my car. I was scared about what had happened to Jay. He was supposed to have been driving down to his parent's home in Somerset, New Jersey today. But now he had been in a car accident and they had taken him to the hospital. I felt a little sick. I didn't like hospitals.

After an hour of torturous driving, I reached the hospital. I enquired about Jay's room number at the front desk and then took the elevator up to the seventh floor. The elevator opened and the uneasy familiar smell of the hospital made my stomach lurch. The floor was mostly empty. I passed the nurse's station where there were two nurses going over records and headed to room 724.

I was not mentally prepared for the sight I saw when I walked into Jay's room. Jay was lying on the hospital bed with his head heavily bandaged and with more bandages on his arms and chest. Jay's parents were sitting next to him looking tired and worried. They actually seemed somewhat pleased to see me.

"Jay, sweetie, wake up, Conner is here," said his mother as she softly shook Jay's hand.

Jay opened his eyes slowly. He smiled upon seeing me.

"Conner," he said weakly.

I hesitated before walking over to him.

"Padma, come, let's get some coffee" Jay's father said to his wife as he got up. Jay's mother looked from him to me to Jay and then slowly got up. Jay's father then escorted her out of the room.

After they left, I slowly walked over and sat down on the chair where Jay's mother had been sitting. I looked at Jay although there wasn't much to see besides the bandages. Jay must have been reading my mind.

"They're going to take off most of the bandages soon. I'll be totally fine," he said with a smile.

I didn't reply. I was just staring at the bandages, trying my hardest to push back a haunting memory. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't control my mind and it soon started running out of control. Images long forgotten rapidly flashed through my mind.

Hospital, bandages, blood...

The blur of images suddenly came into sharp focus. They were rushing Peter to the operation room. The white walls all around. There was blood all over him. I was desperately holding on to his hand. I was yelling. "Peter! Peter!" A nurse was trying to make me let go but I was still holding on, oblivious to everyone around. Peter looked at me. "I love you," he mouthed and then let go of my hand.

"Noooo..."

I jumped up from the chair.

Jay looked at me concerned. "Conner?"

"I... I... I need to get a glass of water," I stuttered, not really looking at him.

I just needed to get out. I pushed the chair back and took quick steps towards the door. I heard Jay call me but I couldn't look at him. I just walked out, down the hall, past the nurses' station where his parents sat drinking coffee. Jay's father called out to me but I didn't stop until I reached the elevator. I punched the button several times until the doors opened. I got into the elevator and slumped against the wall. I felt like I couldn't breath as the elevator went down. When the elevator doors finally opened again, I quickly walked out, through the empty lobby, and outside into the refreshing cold air.

As I stood at the corner of the brightly lit up intersection of Broadway and Saint Nicholas Avenue, I took in deep breaths to calm myself. I then noticed that it had started to snow. Large flakes of snow came falling out of the dark grey sky. I held out my hand as I stared at the snow falling in the night sky. Then I turned around and just started walking down Broadway.

My mind was numb as I mindlessly walked along the sidewalk while the snow came down around me. It was getting colder so seeing the entrance to the subway, I followed the steps down to the underground station. Then as I waited for the train to arrive, I stared at the blank empty white tiled walls. White, all white. I closed my eyes but I was distracted by the arrival of the train. I managed to get on and sit down in an empty seat. As the train started moving, I looked out of the window as the white tiles gave way to darkness. I continued to stare out at the stretching darkness punctuated with lights at each station where the train stopped. I didn't know where I was going. I just needed to go somewhere. Somewhere. Anywhere.

It must have been at least half an hour later when I, by chance, noticed that the train had stopped at the 81st Street Station, which was next to the Museum of Natural History, my favorite museum in New York. I managed to get out just as the doors were closing. I loved the Museum of Natural History. I came here whenever I had the chance. It was the perfect place to spend a peaceful hour with myself and that was exactly what I was in need of right now. I walked up the stairs, out of the station, but when I reached the street level I saw it was completely dark outside, and I realized that the museum wasn't even open at this time. I then noticed that the ground was completely white, covered in snow. I slowly walked on the snowy sidewalk to the front entrance of the museum, where I stopped and stared at the steps leading up to the entrance. I remembered the many times that I had gone up those steps. The many times I had gone up those steps with Jay. The many times I had gone up those steps with Peter...

I shook my head trying to lose that thought. I looked around trying to find a better place to go. I turned around and looked across the street at Central Park. I stared at the dark looming trees. That would be a great place to lose myself. To get away. And so I crossed the street and started walking down the lighted road that led straight into Central Park. The museum disappeared behind me as I walked further and further into the darkness. It got darker and darker. And then everything went black...

*****

They say everyone gets a second chance. A second chance to fix all the mistakes they made. A second chance to get everything right. I was lucky to get a second chance. I was even luckier in that I got a third chance…

I met Brent. Brent, the hot, attractive blonde who could be anyone's fantasy. He had a nicely tanned defined body. He looked so hot in that polo shirt and board shorts. And here he was kissing my neck with his hand down the front of my shorts.

"Hey, let's wait until tonight," I said as I gently pushed Brent back.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I said walking to the door leading back inside the apartment. I then turned around at the door and smiled at Brent. "I'm sure."

I walked back inside into our room and lay back on the large king size bed. "Tonight's going to be really special," I said looking at Brent who was now standing at the doorway to the balcony.

"Really and how is that?" asked Brent with a smile.

"Because you and me are here in Prague, one of the most romantic cities in the world, and we have rented an apartment right on the river. This is as amazing as it gets!"

Brent laughed and then slowly unbuttoned the top button of his polo shirt and then pulled his shirt off. Tossing it to the side, he walked over to the bed and got on top of me, straddling my legs.

"The sun has set, my dear Conner, it is tonight."

I looked into his beautiful grey eyes as he leaned in and kissed me on the lips...

*****

I opened my eyes to see Jay lying cuddled up next to me. My head really hurt and I looked around to see I was lying in a hospital bed. I tried to get up but my body was aching and I lay back down with a groan. Jay, however, woke up, and seeing me, he immediately wrapped his arms around me.

"Conner, you're awake." He started kissing me repeatedly on the cheek. "Oh Conner, you're alright."

"But what happened, why I am here? I was... I was," I said before realizing I had no idea where I was. I couldn't remember anything.

"You're going to be okay. The doctors said you are just suffering from mental shock. I'm sorry I didn't know about Peter. When your mother told me, it all made sense why you were acting so strange when you visited me last night."

I was confused. "Last night? You were in a car accident, right?"

"Yeah but I got discharged this morning. I'm totally fine. Just some bruises that will heal quickly," Jay said showing me his arm which was slightly blue in a few places. "How are you feeling?"

"My head really hurts."

"Let me get a nurse and see if they can give you some medicine," said Jay as he got off the bed. "I'll be right back," he said with a smile before he left the room.

A few minutes later Jay returned followed by a male nurse, who had blonde hair and beautiful grey eyes. He looked just like... just like... someone familiar. I felt like I definitely had seen him before but I couldn't remember.

"Here take these, they should help with the headache," he said holding out a small cup with two white pills. I sat up in the bed and took the pills and then the water that he handed me.

"Thanks," I replied.

"No problem, let me know if you need anything else," the nurse said before heading back.

"What is his name?" I asked Jay after the nurse had left.

"Brent, I think."

"I think I've met him before but I can't remember. Maybe in Prague?"

"You've never been to Prague, Conner. You should get some more sleep. You'll feel better," said Jay. "I should also let your parents know that you are better, so I'll see you in a bit, okay?"

I nodded. After Jay left, I lay back down on the bed and closed me eyes, hoping when I woke up, things would make more sense...

*****

"Conner. Conner, wake up."

It was Brent standing at the foot of the bed holding a white paper bag.

"Get up and have some muffins. They're amazing. I got them at this bakery I found near the old town square. They also have great sandwiches. We should stop there for lunch later before we go to see the Prague Castle."

"I don't want to get up. I'm so comfortable here," I replied, pulling some of the soft white sheets over me.

Brent smiled. "Then don't. You look really hot lying in bed with your clothes off."

"In fact, I fell in love with you the first time I saw you lying in that hospital bed five years ago..."

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