i don't like when i dislike my friends. especially the ones from home.

but they are all stuck there, kind of stuck in high school. nothing is going for them. a part of me wants to keep the friendships but another part of me wants to cut them off. they are a block to my creativity and progress. is that worth sacrificing though? they make me mad, they seem immature. i notice their immaturity. its nothing outlandish, just small things. moral things that my parents taught me to do right but they don't do right. sometimes i question why they were even my friends.

some of them have been the source of writing some of the tunes i have, but i think that's a good thing. they are reference material to my emotions. but i am beginning to dislike them more and more. i want to get away. but still a part of me wants to just remain and stay and not complicate things. remain stagnant. they feel like clothes and i have grown out of them.

its strange because i have noticed in my life my close friends cycle in and out. some come back, others leave for good, or i don't hear from them. i wonder if anybody else is like that. if their friends come and go, some stay for years then leave, others for months. here and there.

or is the idea to have a friend(s) that you can always go back to that treats you like they saw you the day before? i think the person i have been closest to i resent now, for various things. he annoys me, immature, nothing going for him. my dad even told me to get rid of him "he would only bring me down in my career" he said. but i like him as a friend but at the same time i don't.

i thought i could function on the "out of sight/out of mind" principle but that's hard to become disciplined at.

i haven't read a book for 7 years, more. when i was younger i couldn't stop reading, i read everything. now i don't. maybe thats my problem, i don't read enough. expand my mind. i produce and compose music, but that seems like a calling, i am more expanded in that category, but not expanded in my mind. does anybody know good thought provoking works, i know some of you have good suggestions.

i've tried new things but i haven't fully re-organized myself. people said i had changed in the past year and a half but i only saw it as a re-organization of my priorities. however, in that time i simply dwell on the things i dislike. the things i do like seem like treasure, hard to find. i blame it on my age sometimes. i haven't fucked anything in a while, is that the problem? i feel like if that was the only reason that would be petty and stupid. i just can't and won't focus on sexual things. especially now since i've never been surrounded by so many hot ass bro's in LA in my life. i ignore it, them. there is one guy who has always showed interest in me but he is so dramatic, intense. that seems so tiresome to me.

sometimes when i think of the goals i have set for myself, because that helps me, i seem selfish. i don't think about anybody, if anything, anybody is just another stone i step on to move up. but even then, that sounds so trite, douchebaggeryish. i just think of what i need to do to get there. but when i get there i am told i can do whatever i want, i can rekindle the things ignored while trying to get there? that doesn't seem right.

everything moves as planned though, the motion doesn't stop. i just wonder if i should replace the blocks in my life the things i think that prevent me from going forward. im certain i know plenty of people who would treat me better, even in the small things.

but things change, nothing stays the same. its so weird, it doesn't. as much as you wish something can just be on loop for the rest of your life, it won't be.

lately my music has been so minor and my melodies rarely resolved. my drum beats are broken and wrong but they work. its strange how i can take a feeling and make it sound. its so easy, so simple to sit in front of a tower or a synth, or my computer and make anger, or happiness. it doesn't need to be just piano notes. but i hate music too, like it doesn't give up what i want when i want it. i hear something in my head but its wrong through my ears.

i have impressed myself with the understanding though, of practice. that it works when you do it, or when you study. its strange how people don't but expect it to happen, without learning.

maybe that is my problem, or something entirely different.

ill go drink now with my designer friends to make matters worse.