I'm not sure where this is going, and I'll admit that from the beginning. Fair warning.

I guess I just want to know if we're ever gonna be okay. Is that too much to ask? I remind myself that I'm not the center of the universe, let alone yours, and that maybe you need some time to figure stuff out, but a lot of times, it doesn't feel like that's what is happening at all. It feels more like you're just trying to see who cares enough to make the cut or maybe to prove something to yourself, I'm really not sure, but either way I flail back and forth over pushing and making the effort or just letting you have your space and silence and hoping you'll remember... everything. Trying to be patient. It's like some crazy cross between 'If you love something, set it free, and if it comes back to you, then it's yours' and 'If it hurts me, then it's not healthy for me to be involved'. It's possible that it could be neither and you're just trying to find out what being on your own feels like and who you are when no one is standing there next to you, and that's cool... mostly. It's also possible that the fallout from things spreads further than anyone can imagine. Maybe I'm putting the blame for this on someone/something it isn't, maybe it's just me and my uncertain future, but it doesn't seem that way. Then again, what seems right lately? I've been wrong before. I don't even know anymore...

That's not true. I do know some things. I know that when we're talking, I smile, and you smile. We laugh and we are so in tune that it's scary. We're happy, maybe not about everything, but for those few minutes anyway. I know what goes on in your head, and maybe that scares you, or maybe you appreciate it. Double edged sword. I know that this sucks and hurts, and maybe I'm a casualty of war, or maybe I'm a part of what you're fighting so hard to beat. I know that irrationality has taken hold once or twice and I even understand why, but that doesn't fix anything and it doesn't make me feel any better... what about you? It's times like this I want to say 'if you think I'm gonna sit by and watch you f**k this up and throw away something amazing, then you're so wrong' but then I remember that I don't get to decide for you and that short of showing up on your doorstep, I'm not sure I can sell it. I'm not sure I should even have to after everything.

There was a time I wouldn't even have to wonder. Now I sit around answering questions from people about you like your secretary, when the truth is, I don't even really know. I know that pisses you off, too. Maybe that's a part of what you're trying to fix, but I'm not sure how that's my responsibility or if I should be claiming any for that happening in the first place. I'm not even sure how I feel anymore, and for me, that's dizzying since usually I'm transparent to anyone who looks at me, let alone myself. Angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, worried, lonely, selfish, proud, hopeful, glad, scared, apologetic, distanced, blurry maybe... like I'm holding back.

I'm definitely holding back. Since when do I do that?

Since when do you?

It's stifling and it's a waste in this already too short life we live. I think we both know a little about wasting time and opportunities. Or a lot. I'm glad that you're getting to do a lot of the things you have put off for so long, and I hope you feel accomplished, but I wouldn't know. Maybe it loses some of the glory in the day to day grind, but when you look at the big picture, so much has been done already. I won't take any credit for that, you did it all, and I'm happy I got to watch, even if it's been from a distance lately. Really, I just want you happy. Is it wrong to want me happy, too? Or to want you there?

I want you there. I want you to want to be there.

It's not a side effect of the cocaine. I am thinking it must be love...