Mark Paren

Twm appeared. His skin was hot. Unnaturally hot. He dragged his body down the bank of a gully and collapsed to the ground in a state of near exhaustion, having expended himself like never before. And there he slept, sucking in the radiant energy from the sun above and the ground below. Chapter One Henry was a freshman at the exclusive prep school his father attended twenty-five years earlier. His full name was Henry August Adams III. He hated his name for its pretentiousness. Did his f

Adolescent isolation, whether physical or emotional, can be a problem under the best of circumstances, let alone living on the moon. I look forward to the next chapter.

There might be a hint in the beginning of chapter 1.

Simpler times. At least they seem so looking back. Thanks for the story.

Interesting that you brought up ASD. I edited a section out about his instructors, Mr. Kitchens, consideration of John’s condition. It was a close call but I decided it might slow the pace of the story. It’s an important topic and I didn’t want to sell it short. That might have been a mistake. I’m not sure about the time lag. After the first few paragraphs everything should be contemporaneous. Ethan tells some stories but it is suppose to relate to the current (story) time period. Maybe I need to reread it with that in mind. Thanks for the comments.

John was in his usual place. He looked uncomfortable. He wasn't fidgeting like the day before but wringing his hands. Ethan, picking up on John's distress, placed his backpack on the table and said, "I brought my stuff." The boy smiled. It was a genuine smile. Both Ethan and Mr. Kitchens smiled back. Ethan's smile evolved into a friendly laugh. Mr. K followed suit, and to their delight, John laughed for the very first time in his life. Meanwhile, the storm began to dissipate on th

Hudson Thanks for the link to the article on passive voice. I'm going to save that as a reference document. At this stage of my fledgling writing hobby, I'm trying to write in the active voice only. Someday, I hope to develop the skill to use the passive voice effectively. I must admit, sometime, I don’t know what voice I’m writing in.

I appreciate Cia's recommendations on focusing on the story, the development of the characters and of course grammar. I agree that all these factors are critically important to any effort and I plan to work on improving in these areas. I've attempted to master several different things in my life, including education, career, relationships, sports, etc. Like most people, I have been successful in some areas and less successful in others. I find that I increase my odds of success by establishing definitive goals. I also find it helpful to model myself off of people I admire. Among the writers I enjoy reading are Michael Crichton and on this site Stellar. Crichton writes at a Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level of almost 9, and Stellar between 6 and 8 (two chapter sample). I don’t strive to be a best selling novelist. I want to write the type of stories I would like to read. I have several stories to tell and a few of these stories are already in rough outline form. The challenge for me is doing my stories the justice I think they deserve. My current and only story, ‘John Christian Anderson’, is one of the ideas I am less passionate about. I decided to improve my skills while writing this story. I know I have a long way to go and I appreciate the feedback and criticism I receive. I supposed, we all write for ourselves.

I know there are other similar tools. I use mac version of Word.

Most versions of MSWord have a grammar check. Statistics including passive sentences and Flesh-Kencaid come up as a summary after the check.

I ran the Word grammar check on the first chapter of my story. I noticed that the introductions had a Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level score of 10.4 while the body had a score of 5.6. The entire chapter was 6.5. That concerned me. It is not my intention to write at a middle school level. I did a google search and came up with an article by Shane Snow. https://contently.com/strategist/2015/01/28/this-surprising-reading-level-analysis-will-change-the-way-you-write/ Shane saved me a lot of time by running this analysis. Interestingly, I ran the numbers for Hemingway, Crichton and a few authors on this site prior to reading the article. I am aware of many of the shortcomings of the calculation of the Flesch-Kincaid grade level and reading ease tests, but I'm heartened that, at least by this calculation, I'm in good company. Does anyone know of any other editing programs that can help me analyze and improve my writing style?

The Pecman You bring up a very good point and at its heart, another one of my writing style questions. What age group am I writing for? The beginning of this story was loosely and poorly modeled on a Michael Crichton type of introduction. In Jurassic Park, he offers an introduction giving the reader an overview of the current state of genetic research. It is fact based rather then character driven. That was the hook of the entire story for me. I prefer a slightly higher grade level style of writing then the typical teen story, but, unfortunately, I don't have the skill to pull it off yet. The introduction of my story is my favorite part. The dialogue between the characters, after the introduction, seems almost childish to me as I reread it. I'm striving to 'mature it up' in chapter 4. Is it a poor technique, or bad execution? Thank you for your critique. This is my first story and I am trying to learn as I go. All opinions are welcome.

Thank you for the encouragement. Three chapters of the story are posted. This is my first attempt at fiction. Sometime in the future, I am hope to take advantage of the talented and generous editors at Gay Authors. At this point, I don't feel the product is polished enough to warrant an editor's time. CIA provided much to study and work on this week. I need to work on much more then the passive voice.

Thanks for the great advice and critique. I have a lot to learn. I hope I will prove by studying and practicing.

I thought your story captured a special time in the life of most questioning boys. Am I or aren't I. I don't know about kids today, but when I was a young teen, I found the realization a little scary.

[sharedmedia=stories:stories:4893] I apologize in advance if this is the wrong forum for this topic. I'm new to fiction writing and looking for some advice on writing style. I have many questions, but I'll start with passive voice. Today I edited the first chapter of my story John Christian Anderson. The purpose of the edit was to reduce my use of the passive voice. According to my version of MSWord, I was running about 7% (33% in the sample below). I reduced it to 0. I'm interested in your opinion of active versus passive voice. Below is a before and after example. Before “Once in every hundred years they appear. Why they come and where they're from isn't clear, But they're here for our world.” Howard Christman’s Older (The Collectors, 1967) John is Born John Christian Anderson was conceived in the second decade of the 21st century. No one knew, but he was conceived on a significant astronomical day. Three stars were perfectly aligned with a blue and a green planet located in different galaxies. One of the stars was the earths' sun. Even if they did know, it would have been thought a coincidence. After all, hundreds of thousands of children are conceived every day. He was a typical child, of generic Northern European ancestry. His coloring and stature were what you would expect for a healthy baby boy. There was however, something a little different about John. From his earliest days, he made intense eye contact with everyone who came into his field of vision and he took an intense interest in inanimate objects around him. The Exceptional Little Boy As the months past, John mentally developed at a surprisingly rapid rate. At two years old, he could speak and write at an adult level. His parents didn’t know his mental grade level, only that they were unable to provide him the type of education and challenges they hoped would make him happy and provide him with a fulfilling life. After “Once in every hundred years they appear. Why they come and where they're from isn't clear, But they're here for our world.” Howard Christman’s Older (The Collectors, 1967) John is Born The conception of the child occurred in the second decade of the 21st century. No one knew, but this was a significant astronomical day. There were three stars perfectly aligned with a blue and a green planet located in different galaxies. One of the stars was the earths' sun. John Christian Anderson was a typical child, of generic Northern European ancestry. His coloring and stature were what you would expect for a healthy baby boy. There was however, something a little different about John. From his earliest days, he made intense eye contact with everyone who came into his field of vision and he took an unusual interest in the objects around him. The Exceptional Little Boy As the months past, the boy mentally developed at a surprisingly rapid rate. At two years old, he could speak and write at an adult level. His parents didn’t know his mental grade level, only that they were unable to provide him the type of education and challenges they hoped would make him happy and provide him with a fulfilling life.

Just a guess, of course

He battled on. Suddenly, a new character appeared in the game. A boy with penetrating blue-grey eyes was staring directly at Ethan as though he was peering into his very soul. Ethan was distracted, and the Sith Lord cleaved him at the waist with a sweeping lightsaber strike. He felt it, but it wasn't really painful. The game ended, and the room came back into focus. Ethan was thankful he wasn't hurt. The boy stood at the game room entrance, still staring at Ethan. Chapter 3 First Meeti

That certainly is Mr. K's hope.

Thanks for reading the story. The response to the second chapter is more encouraging then the first. I hope to publish a new chapter within the next two weeks. Appreciate the feedback on Ethan's parents. The creepiness wasn't intentional. I'll try to be more careful in the future developing the peripheral characters.

Thank you for the review. It is really good to learn that you are enjoying the read.

Thanks for the review. You definitely get it.

The Party Ethan arrived a little late to the end-of-school party. His best friend Kobe was already comfortably moving with the flow of the party. There must have been fifty to eighty kids present. There seemed to be more boys than girls, but that made sense because it was Kobe's party, and most guys and girls were not dating seriously yet. Ethan and Kobe casually exchanged their personal hand checks. Kobe's dad, a huge LA Lakers fan, named him after Kobe Bryant. It was funny, but the n

Thank you for the review. You have picked up on some the the themes of the story. In the next chapter John will be introduced to Ethan. Both John and Ethan will need to work through a few things. Thanks again.

Ten thousand years ago, the first permanent human settlements were established soon after an unusual astronomical occurrence. The same phenomenon occurred again fourteen years ago. This story explores the impact of the meeting between a talented fifteen-year-old and a strange and exceptional boy.