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Sebastian Bauer

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  1. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 58

    10 February 2016 Dear C, How is everything there? It's late at night now and I can't sleep. My cell is freezing cold. I managed to fix myself a second blanket - even though it's full of holes it gives me some cover at night. I met my case supervisor today - Andrew. I was called to some office and he introduced me to my case manager Victoria. It was done over the speaker phone. Andrew is a very nice guy, I told him about you and he was sympathetic - maybe it's his job, I don't know. Anyway Victoria seemed not so nice. She asked me many questions about the case and suggested that I would do some programs to help me when I get out. All of these programs are designed to people who committed a crime. I didn't. So I basically told her she can go to hell. She wasn't pleased. Andrew laughed. She got pissed off. I could tell. I told her that the only victim in my case is me. She wasn't impressed. But I didn't care. I know the truth. Anyway, Andrew then took over and she suggested to him to keep me out of the programs. Fine with me. After she hang up, Andrew laughed and told me I really pissed her off. She wasn't expecting a foreigner to know English so well and she thought I would be a "yes" man. Oh well. We also talked about my deportation and that I might be getting 9 months off my sentence if I sign the papers and won't create any issues. That was difficult. At this stage I cannot imagine I could leave UK and leave London... This is my home now. How can I find myself somewhere else? I don't know.I must admit that the meeting brought the bad demons back again. I was drained. Talking about the trial, police etc made me re-live everything again. I told her that it took me almost a year to tell you about my case being scared that you would leave me. When I got back to my cell I burst in tears. But then I shook it off knowing I had to deal with this shit. Writing to you is like I am speaking with you. Like I am able to tell you all my worries and sorrows and you listen. I know it's a fantasy, but it helps. A little at least. But you know what I did today? I was pretty stressed so I grabbed some pencils and did A4 sized elephant drawing. Then I added some simple colours. Doing this calmed me down. Creating art takes me to a place where there is no sadness.Oh, I told them about these letters and that one day I would publish them, she said it was a fantastic and original idea. Nice of her. Today I received 2 books from Agnes. I was so surprised! She is such a darling. Both books are dedicated to art and one of them speaks about selling art online.One guy here has been caught selling some drugs. Apparently he was bullying others to get him their prescribed medication (mostly anti-depressants) and then he was selling them for tuna cans or noodles and biscuits. That's the currency here. As silly as it might sound to the outside world here it's a serious business. Ok, let me wrap up here. I think I am getting sleepy. Look after yourself there. Forever yours, Sebastian
  2. 4 February 2016 Dear C, Today is International Cancer Day. Never paid much attention to it, but now I do. Once you or your loved ones have been touched by this fucking disease, your life is never the same. Words cannot express how happy I am knowing that you are cancer free now. And I ask whoever is out there to keep you healthy. I am sure you will stay like that till you are very, very old with grey hair and your loved one by your side. I still remember that day (2nd of June 2015) when you called me and said you were diagnosed with cancer. I screamed. That was all I was able to do. Our flatmate Flam rushed into our room to check what happened. I broke. But I had no time to be broken. I had to take action. I needed to be there for you all the way. I put my court case aside to the far back of my mind and focused on you and your recovery. Once, after leaving your hospital with Kasia I told her that if I only could I would transfer that cancer from your body to mine. I thought she would yell at me for saying this, but she looked at me and said that it was very brave of me to say so. She also said she would never be able to do so for anybody. Anyway, it is over now. You are cancer free. No more "gruba dupa"! In the gym this morning they were showing some statistics about cancer on Sky News and apparently 1 in 2 people will end up with cancer and just a few years ago it was 1 in 3. On a positive note though, there are 10% increase chances of people overcoming cancer. Yes! As for myself, I think I am getting stronger every day now. There is still a big hole in my heart and I have been missing you greatly, but I guess I am slowly getting used to the fact that what we had is gone now. Maybe next life we will end up together? Or maybe not. Forever yours, Sebastian
  3. 2 February 2016 Dear C, How are you doing baby? I don't even know why I just called you that. I think I'm used to calling you that name. I need to get it out of my system. It is no longer relevant.I hope you are being looked after there. There is not much going on here. I wake up, I eat, I brush my teeth, I go to courses, I come back and I stay in my cell. I do paint a lot in my cell though. My wallboard is now covered with trees. They are so colourful. The colours just burst into this grey reality. It makes me feel good, at peace. Sometimes. I painted a little rabbit and I called it Mieszko... That's the little creature we were planning to get once you were back home for good. I don't think you still remember about it, but I do. And I am going to have it once I'm out. Cliche? Perhaps, but I don't give a fuck. The music classes are going well now. This software is amazing. Overwhelming. I feel really stupid when I'm working on it. Brian helps me a lot - his knowledge is out of this world. He is also such a nice guy. He is an orderly here (a prisoner who helps teachers run classes). He knows all the little tricks in Cubase (the software) and he is way too fast for me to understand it all when he is showing me them. Crazy! Today I used a real keyboard to create sounds. It was fun. And I have no clue how musicians can create so many beautiful sounds and not only this! To put them all together to create a melody. Hats off! Now I appreciate Depeche Mode even more! Especially the "Delta Machine" album - how did Martin Gore come up with all those sounds there? Speechless. Well, pure genius - in my opinion at least. I am assigned to finish the music course on the 29th of March. Familiar date? The gym is going well too. They go really hard on us and I am extremely tired after each session. However, it is working - I lost in a total of 5 kg now! I still, a lot to go, but it's a start. Today they played Beyonce's song "Running" as we were doing cardio and I froze. I felt like crying but I composed myself and kept going. I still remember how you told me it was one of your favourite songs of hers. You know C, they started now playing films on TV that we once watched together. They played "Oblivion" with Tom Cruise yesterday and "Now You See Me" today. It brought all the memories again and put me down. Will I ever be able to watch movies or listen to music without being constantly reminded of you? There is something new going on here in the evenings now. I have a company of 4 people coming regularly to my cell and we play cards. Typical view when it comes to prison, isn't it? Oh well. Anyway, DJ, Martin, James and Ryan come and we play remik. We actually laugh and listen to music. It's usually 45 minutes before they lock us up for the night. I must say that being with people like them leaves me in good spirits when the door is locked and I'm on my way in my cell. The demons that crawl into my cell each evening have less power over me these days I guess. I just hope I will go through this for the next 2 years. Ok, C, let me finish here. You know, I am trying to think of you less these days. I still miss you, unfortunately, but I am trying to occupy my mind with the image of your less and less. I hope it will work. Please look after yourself. Forever yours, Sebastian
  4. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 55

    28 January 2016 Dear C, How are you doing? I hope it's all coming better now. I wonder if the hair on your head started to grow? I still remember how you put your knee in front of the iPad's camera when we were chatting to my mum so she would think it was your bold head. It brings a smile to my face. Did you start to go out yet? It must be getting really boring for you just to stay at home. Or is it still too early and you are too weak to go out? Tomorrow will mark half a year since I've been in prison and I don't know much about your health anymore. It makes me worry sick most of the time. It's been also half a year since I saw you last. Who would have thought that we would come to this? This half a year feels like an eternity without you though. Last night I had another nightmare. I saw the guy who raped me. And I was re-living the whole thing again. But the worst part of this nightmare was that you were there too. You stood there in that cell and laughed at me. When the guy finished I looked at you but you just left me there. Then I woke up. I couldn't stop crying in my pillow. I was so heartbroken and hopeless. And I was so disappointed in myself that I cried. I promised myself I wouldn't cry again over you. But there you go. On top of everything, I was just terrified. I think that you standing there in my dream was the reflection of your words, when you told me on the phone you couldn't care less if I was dead or alive. That hurt so bad, words cannot express it. I hope you will never know, how does it feel. I hope no one whom you might truly love one day will never say anything like that to you. Yesterday I wanted to call my mum, but I couldn't. I have been so shaky all day and I'm sure I would just burst in tears if I heard her voice. So I just laid on my bed and cried to myself. Today I started the new course - music production. It was horrible. The teacher doesn't give a shit about anything and his orderly Brian was simply too busy to help everybody. And I just couldn't focus on anything, I was still fragile after that dream from the night before. This music production course should be good, many people praise it, but it looks very disorganized. The software we use is called Cubase and it looks really complicated. It's a professional tool that major producers and artists use. I'm sure you cannot embrace it within 60 hrs course. But what else do I have to do? I'll give it a go of course. I'm gonna wrap up here, I feel really tired - I guess from that nightmare from last night. I will try to sleep now and hope for no dreams at all. Forever yours, Sebastian
  5. 22 January 2016 Dear C, It has been raining all day. It's Friday and the afternoon exercise was cancelled earlier today. I only got a chance to speak briefly to Geoff - my American friend. He was extremely excited as his partner Robert was coming to see him this weekend on both days. I was very pleased to hear all about it, as Geoff was just booming with joy. Geoff was very heart broken when his boyfriend decided to leave him, but it seems like they are back together now. Seems like sometimes love wins. And in the afternoon I got a bit angry. All I got from you were 2 emails: full of malice and hate. Two emails within half a year. And then I remembered how badly you treated your ex-boyfriends too - how much you used to laugh at them and how much you actually hated them. I never really paid that much attention to it back then, when we were together, but now it all makes sense to me. You did make me believe I was a special person in your life. How silly of me? I should have known better - I'm old enough. I guess my trust was endless. It will never be the same to anyone ever again for sure. All I can say now is that when you meet another guy and fall in love with him, remember people go through thin and thick. Don't pick and choose and then run away. Yes, I know there are different layers of thin and you should judge them wisely if anything. I'm saying those things as a man who still loves and misses you. but I hope those feelings will fade away - as soon as possible. And maybe one day we will be able to meet for dinner or something and laugh about it, although with your stubborn heart and the amount of hate you carry, I doubt we ever will. I wish you well, I couldn't wish any better to anyone else, but I do realize now that we are becoming history. But maybe we will meet one day, no one knows. Topic change: I read in the papers today that Beyonce is recording a new album. You must be over the moon. I wonder if she's gonna drop it without any announcement as she did before. Well, either way - you must be pleased either way. Art classes are going fine. I started working with acrylics now - I like it, although I still prefer watercolours. Working with a huge amount of water gives my paints an opportunity to mix and blend so magically. Acrylics have visible edges to the colours and blending them is less fun for me. They brought a new guy here on my landing. He cuts himself all the time. And by doing this, he is looking for attention. The moment he has new wounds on his arms, he rolls up his sleeves to show it to everyone. And when you ask him, if he just did new cuts, he proudly talks about it. And he can't stop! I learnt my lesson now and I just ignore him. I do feel sorry for him because it is still wrong and he needs help either way, but I cannot handle him talking about his cuts for 1-hour non-stop. When I tried to cut my wrists I wasn't talking about it to anybody. It's not something that I am proud of. I regret it now, but that was then and this is now. There is another guy downstairs who tries to commit suicide every now and then. But he always does it with his cell door wide open. He then screams his goodbyes to everyone and bangs his walls. So he is always "miraculously" saved by someone. Bullocks. If you really want to take your own life - you will do it quietly and you'll make sure no one will be there to rescue. So all these people being somehow "found" are attention seeking, self-pity human beings. Ok, I tried to take my life the day you left me and I failed. But only because my plastic knife wasn't sharp enough to go through my thick skin! Ok, I got some scratches on my wrists but I just couldn't do it properly. And after maybe 5 minutes I realized what I was doing. So I threw that knife away and fell onto the floor crying. But I wasn't talking about it. They only find out when I went to see the nurse and she saw the bruises on my wrists. So those people screaming and shouting they will commit suicide have no balls to do it and they will always be magically rescued by others. I feel sorry for them too, they need psychological help for sure. Ok C, let me wrap up here. Writing about all this made me exhausted. Let me try to sleep now. I hope you are doing fine. I wonder if you received that parcel with your favourite Polish food from my mum? Forever yours, Sebastian
  6. 19 January 2016 Dear C, How are you doing? I hope you are keeping yourself warm? I saw on TV today that temperatures dropped to 1 degree in London today. I don't know if you are allowed to be going outside yet, but if you do - wrap up warm! I would like to tell you about the dream I had last night. It was extremely surreal, yet it felt very real at the same time. When I woke up in the morning it took me some time to digest the whole thing.I dream that you, me my and your mum were all walking in the park. It was autumn because I remember seeing colorful leaves on the ground. This park was not in London but in my hometown back in Poland. It was the park I used to play as a child, right next to my parents' house. In this dream, my subconscious told me that those events were happening after prison and your cancer. So it was a dream of the future. We all sat down on one of the benches and talked. I wasn't sure if we were back together again, but definitely, we were enjoying each other's company. Our mothers were talking to one another (funny, as my mum speaks no English and yours speaks no Polish). At some point, you stood up and started throwing leaves at me and we were running around like little kids. Then, as we got tired we sat back next to our mothers. Your mum looked at me and said that she was happy you had someone like me in your life. Then you suddenly turned around to your mother and asked her: "Mum, do you know that he is 'that' guy?" She looked at you and then she looked at me and said: "Yes I know". I remember feeling so overwhelmed at that moment in my dream that I think I cried real tears. Then I noticed that some of the leaves that were laying on the ground somehow started to slowly lifting up. First I didn't pay any attention to it, but then I realized that all of them were going up. First slowly then very fast they were disappearing in the air. You and our mothers were completely unaware of this. Then the first big oak next to us crushed and disappeared. I wanted to shout to you if you saw that and I grabbed your hand only to realize that your hand was the only thing that left of you. There was no blood or anything like that, just your hand. Then it disappeared too. I started to see that everything was crushing and flying off in the air. My mum wasn't there anymore, neither was yours. I fell onto the ground as the bench I was sitting on was now gone. Then I heard the laughter in the air. All around me. First I couldn't figure it out who that voice belonged to, but then I realized it was you. You were laughing so loud and so hysterically that I felt like my head would explode. Then I woke up. I couldn't move on my bed. I was staring at the dirt on my wall for some time. I felt nothing and I felt everything. I closed my eyes once hoping I would wake up back home next to you, that all of this is still just a nightmare. Then my alarm clock went off. I got up and brushed my teeth. They bled badly, I think my gums are properly damaged now, could be after all that beating I received in the previous prison. I don't know. I looked at myself in my old mirror here and I asked: "why?"Then I turned on the news and started to pretend that I am going to be ok. Forever yours, Sebastian
  7. 14 January 2016 Dear C, It seems like winter has arrived in full. This morning we got here first snow - not much, just some on the ground. The place looked so peaceful. The gym session was cancelled this morning due to the arrival of some new equipment. I mean it's not new, it's recycled. I don't think prison would spend money to buy a piece of brand new gym equipment. Anyway, today I was all day in my cell. Luckily my art materials arrived! After almost 2 months of waiting for it. Prison can definitely teach you how to be patient. I remember how it used to be when I was outside - everything needed to be done immediately. No patience at all. Now, I am learning how to just wait. So I received all my brushes, my acrylic A4 paper, watercolour paints and watercolour pencils and also some graphite pencils. I got myself so busy painting in my cell that I nearly forgot about the whole world. I tested everything and ended up painting 3 additional 'magic trees'. I hope art will help me to survive this nightmare here. Today is also David's 71st birthday, so I painted him a little card with a tree on it and I managed to get a few guys to sign it. He is definitely not the most popular guy in here so getting anyone to sign this card for him was a miracle. I also bought him some cakes and sweets from the canteen last week. He was very happy with it all and we invited DJ, Martin and Jose to join us and eat the sweets. I had a tiny spoon of the cake as I am trying to watch what I eat. I am quite happy how the diet goes and my exercises - now I have lost 4 kg in total. I got 2 letters today - one from my mum and one from my friend back home Agnieszka. My mum sent me some postcards of Łódź and Agnieszka's letter was extremely nice and positive. She told me how much she liked my tree I painted for her and that she carries it in her bag for good luck. How nice of her. If I ever sign deportation agreement it is going to be extremely weird to be living in Poland again. I don't know anybody there anymore and those few I do - they have their own lives now. I will feel so extremely out of place. How will I handle this? I don't know. Signing deportation means that I will lose everything and everyone I know. I am not sure if I have enough strength to start my life all over. Believe it or not but I sometimes think that I will wake up from this dream and I will be back home in London with you next to me. With no prison and no cancer. One can always dream. Now I need to stick to 2 things: my art and my gym. I hope I can do it and this will help me here. There is this feeling inside of me, feeling of knowing that I have nothing left to lose. It's a horrible kind of feeling of emptiness inside, but I suppose I have nothing else left, but to go on. How are you? I hope you are getting better with each new day now. I know basically nothing about your health these days, so I can only express my hope. Please look after yourself. I miss you. Forever yours, Sebastian
  8. 11 January 2016 Dear C, Wow... David Bowie died. I know it's random, but he was a kind of a legend. I was never a big fan, but I know of his music. "China Girl" is a song I remember from my childhood. You know I still cannot listen to the music. Most of the songs on the radio remind me of the past. It's something I thought it would never happen - after all music is my remedy for all the sorrows. But not anymore. I hope it will pass one day. Yesterday someone was playing songs of Phil Collins out loud from his cell - it reminded me how much I used to like this guy. Been to the gym this morning, it was a pure slaughterhouse. We did some crazy exercises - bike spinning combining with some other cardio exercises. I thought I would die. Seriously. It was so extreme that one guy nearly fainted. The instructor who was running the show is a real twat. You can tell how much he hates being here and working with us. Other instructors are really cool, but him. My body is still in the shock - I have never done any exercises like that in my entire life. But I suppose this is the key - no sweat no effects. I only hope I will last. DJ has been trying to convince me to start jogging with him when it gets warmer, but I am not sure about it. Me running around the prison yard...? There is one guy called Graham, who just runs all the time. All the time. He is like a machine. I would never, in million years, run like him. You know it's only January of 2016 and I feel like I have been inside this prison forever. I do not know how others can cope. Some people have been here for years. Have they been institutionalized? Is it like they don't know otherwise? This is their life now? I cannot imagine being like that. Each day here is filled with misery. And I don't know how to handle it. David comes to visit me quite often. He has been trying to convince me to open my heart to God. He says that the bible is the book of wisdom and should help me go through difficult times. That I should give my life to Jesus.What a pile of bullocks. Isn't God a sadistic creature who enjoys himself watching us all suffer on this sick planet? I bet each time someone suffers God smiles. And I am supposed to open up my heart to someone like this? No, thank you. I bet he loved that moment when you found out about your cancer and watched you when your world collapsed. I bet he laughed out loud. David however, strongly believes in God. He even told me that he felt the power of some holy spirit and he felt on the floor. He said it felt like a thunder-stroke him. LOL. That is all I can say, but I am glad that this helps him. I suppose that this is what you call "faith". Oh well, good on him. There was a fight on the yard yesterday. Some guys started to fight over some noodles. I still cannot digest such behavior. It's a bloody pack of noodles...! I gave one pack to DJ the other day as he was hungry and I didn't want anything for it. It's just noodles. It's after 1 in the morning now and I cannot sleep, that's why I am writing to you. Luckily I don't have gym in the morning tomorrow, just art class. Art is going well. I am soon finishing the second level and that's it. I have created so many of my magic trees. People do like them a lot. I wonder if you liked them too - if you ever got a chance to see my efforts. I love art. I love the process of creation. I love how colours blend with one another. I love the warm colours like browns, reds, yellows and pinks. And purple has become one of my favourite colour too now. One day I'm gonna try to paint something else. Maybe animals. I ordered some paints and brushes, so I can do them in my cell here. How are you doing? How are you feeling? I hope you're making some progress. I am often thinking of you being fully recovered in the near future. I am 100% sure you will be okay one day. One day soon. So God, if you please - stop laughing and make sure C gets better. Forever yours, Sebastian
  9. Hello, C had nothing to do with me being in prison... And thank you for your kind words. S.B.
  10. 25.11.2015 Dear C, I was back to the beach. This time it was very windy and cold. I could almost feel the wind on my face (I suppose that was the real wind blowing inside my cell through that fucking broken window). I was freezing. The beach was empty as usual and the lighthouse was there too. For a moment I thought I could see someone walking inside there, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. The only thing I was paying attention to was the feeling of something trying to push me towards the cold sea water. Even though I was standing far from the sea I felt like I was being pushed towards it. And I didn’t want to be anywhere near that cold water, but I couldn’t help it. Then I woke up. I got another e-mail from Lisa, she seems to be worried about me. Bless her. I replied to her and asked her if she could help you out getting a job once you are back on track. I don’t think you working in Argos would be the best idea. Working with someone like Lisa and doing an office job would be the best for you in my opinion. She is a great boss, a bit of a drama queen, but at least you would laugh a lot with her. And I am sure she would look after you. So let me handle it from here, once she comes to visit me I will speak to her about it. I will ask her not to tell you that I was behind this anyway. I just want you to have the best possible job outcome once you are ready to start a new job. Maybe you could even find your own place after some time and settle down. I was wondering today how Cindy’s work experience is going… Hope she is enjoying it. I saw a woman from well-being clinic today, she was worried about me, she gave me more anti-depressants. I am not sure if I really want to take them. I don’t want to turn into a zombie. This morning they brought a new guy to our wing. He is English and he looks like a zombie. He must be in his 30s yet he looks like he is 60 years old. Some guys know him already. Apparently he was here before. His trade mark is to cut himself so much that the entire floor would be covered with blood. And he does that to get attention or if the screws (the term describing officers here) don’t want to give him what he wants. I passed him by on a corridor this morning and he gave me a dirty look, but I ignored him. I actually feel sorry for him a bit. I hope he won’t cut himself again. I saw his arms – covered with bandages and wounds. DJ came to my cell today and he was telling me all about the pagan stuff and how he believes in fortune telling. He has tarot cards in his cell and said he would try them with me one day. Not sure if I believe in all this, but it would be interesting to see what some cards can tell about my future. Or if there is any future for me there at all. There is another guy on my landing – Ryan. He looks like 12 years old kid. With the most yellow teeth I have ever seen. His cell looks like a trash hole. He seems to get attached to DJ a lot (they have cells opposite to each other). That Ryan gives me creeps, but DJ tolerates him. C, let me finish now. I want to write a letter to my mum now and also to Agnes. I hope you are ok? Please look after yourself there. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  11. 2.11.2015 Dear C, How are you doing? I hope you are doing well and catching up on everything you have missed out on when you were in the hospital. I miss you dearly and I really wish I could be there for you and enjoy those moments with you too. I received an email from Kasia today, a very long one. She basically told me off for being weak, for loving you, for caring for you and for being a total fool. For allowing you to break my heart. It did hurt really bad when I was reading it. For a moment I thought she didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. And I don’t know why. I totally understand how pissed off she must have been with me for partially leaving her in this mess. You have no idea C, how grateful I am to her for everything she has done to me. She stood by me all the way – when the lights went down and I was left alone. You left me, but not her. I should never forget this. I know that you two don’t like each other anymore – it seems like you actually hate each other now. It hurts me to see that you guys cannot bury the hatchet. Life is way too short to be like that. When I was reading that email from her, I realized how deeply she hurt me by the way she spoke to me, using really harsh words. She was almost rude. I read the whole email 3 times. Finally, I came to some conclusions. She is partially right. I agree that I have to get back to life. I have to move on. But I do not agree with her saying that I am stupid and weak. Yes, I know I need to find the strength in me to carry on here. I need to learn how to fight for myself now. It’s gonna be difficult. Now with your birthday approaching and Christmas around the corner… But I will try. I am so tired of taking all these antidepressants. I am so fucking tired of the pain in my heart. You know Kasia advised me not to call you on the phone for a year or so, so I should heal faster. She is very convinced that you will be 100% healthy soon, that you will find someone very soon and will forget about me. And I will be here all alone thinking about you. But I don’t know if I can just stop communicating with you – just like that like you’ve never existed. Especially on your birthday and Christmas. Lucia, on the other hand, told me that I should try to stay connected with you. To make sure that you know I still care and love you. I do care for you my love and I do love you so, so fucking much. Like the biggest idiot, but I don’t care. Here, life goes on very slowly. Each day is like a week. I have passed my oral English exam today with ease. And the teacher tricked me to do a written exam too saying I can pass better than anyone else. So I agreed. The results will come soon. I was also told I must prepare the PowerPoint presentation on a specific subject of my choice. Others were given the option, I was told I had to do it. After that, I will be moved to the advanced English classes. Whatever. Art is going well too. I keep painting my trees. I make them so colourful. It makes me forget how dark the world inside here is. Ok baby, that’s all for today. Please look after yourself there in London. I so wish I could hug you right now. Without saying anything, just hug you and feel you. I love you. Forever yours Sebastian
  12. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 13

    Thank you kindly for your comments. Yes, it wasn't easy. It is still hard sometimes, but I am trying to put all this behind. You will all know what really happened. One day soon I will create a page with the explanation of what happened to me. Do follow my art page - it will be there www.sebastianbauerart.com Thank you. S.B.
  13. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 14

    Dear Hunter of Porn, Thank you for the comment. I am still learning how to paint. It's a journey. C doesn't know anything about my letters. I have no idea how he would have reacted to them... S.B.
  14. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 14

    4.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing my love…? I had a dream last night, I saw you walking down the streets in Wimbledon. I was waiting for you at the Starbucks. You came in and we kissed. We drank lots of hot chocolate and we laughed. We laughed so hard that my cheeks hurt. It was golden. It was magical. I felt how love embraced us again and held us tight. I woke up here so confused. It was 5 in the morning and when I saw the broken sink and scratched tiny mirror I got my reminder where I was… I didn’t cry. I just laid numb. I closed my eyes again and tried to come back to you, there at the Starbucks in Wimbledon – but I couldn’t anymore... Then I cried. Today I had my first art and English classes. There is a building here, which is designed for education only. They have many different courses here, it’s totally different to the previous place. Anyway English classes are ridiculous. With all due respect to everyone, but these people don’t know how to write. And I’m the only foreigner in the group. We had to write a formal and informal letter. I felt like being back to school. But other guys really struggled. Then I realised that it wasn’t a joke – they really didn’t know how to write anything. Now I feel really sorry for them. I kind of also gathered they didn’t like me, because the tutor praised me a lot (which made me feel really embarrassed) saying I should be an example for them… Art class was ok. I had no clue what I was doing. The tutor asked me what brushes I wanted to use – I knew nothing about brushes. I was then given some brushes for watercolour paints. I sat on my own and started to paint. It was fun to watch how the colours interacted with one another. It made feel quite mesmerised. I almost forgot how much pain there is inside of me. I couldn’t stop watching the colours and how they were drying onto the wet paper. I didn’t paint anything, I just did some circles and irregular shapes. I will never be able to paint, I’m not an artist and never will be, but at least now it takes me away from that place and the whole misery. At least for a moment. I spoke to Kasia yesterday and she said she would come here with my mum in December. I can’t wait for it to happen. Also Agnes wants to visit me. And I am sure Lisa will soon come. I miss them all so much. I miss you the most. I am worry of you every day. The people here are so much calmer. Like I told you before – it’s a completely different world. They say it’s more like a learning / healing centre than a regular prison. I mean it is still called a prison, but has less of a prison feel to it – well at least that’s what I can tell. My prison experience has just started after all. Baby, how is your chemo going on…? How are you talking this? I hope your friends are there for you, I hope Sarah is visiting you often. Please be positive. Be strong. I will write soon my love. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  15. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 13

    30.09.2015 Dear C, How are you doing? How is your chemo going? I spoke to my mum on the phone yesterday and she told me that the doctors were now looking for the donor for your bone marrow transplant… Oh God, I hope they will find that person soon. It was so good to hear your voice the other day we spoke… even though it was one of the most painful experience I had to ever endure…. I just couldn’t believe you told me, that before I leave the prison you might be already married to somebody else. How come? It’s us baby, it’s you and me, no one else… C, this prison is so much better. It’s decent. It seems like there is some kind of order here. One of the guards came to see me the other day and said he would be my personal officer – Mr Steward. A nice guy. He took me to a small office and asked me how I was coping. I broke down and told him a bit about us. He listened. He asked me to be strong. He talked to me about learning courses that I could do here and what kind of work I could sign up for. I think I’m gonna give it a go and try art classes. I can’t paint, but I like the idea of just creating something. I will never be as great as you are baby. My cell is in a decent “neighbourhood”. I have an old Scotish guy to my left – his name is John, then a guy called Ben on the other side. Ben seems very energetic – he must be in his mid-thirties. He helped me arrange a new kettle and gave me some chemicals to clean my cell when I moved in. There is also that guy called Trevor – he seems cool too. He looks like he spent all of his life sunbathing in the Bahamas – his skin is very tanned. There is also a little guy called Ryan – he is very short and looks like he is 16 years old. His teeth are terribly yellow and I saw his cell – what a mess… Geoff is on res 2 (I am on res 5), but we see each other during the exercise time. They let us out once a day at 11.30 till noon. We walk around the yard or sometimes we sit on the bench. Ibrahim also comes to my cell and he even encouraged me to play cards with me once. The worst is at night. When at 6pm they lock the cells and then I am left with nothing but my thoughts. It’s horrible. How am I going to last 3 years here…? Baby, my anti-depressants started to kick in now – I will end here and soon write again. I love you. So Much. Forever Yours Sebastian
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