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Sebastian Bauer

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About Sebastian Bauer

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  1. 14 January 2016 Dear C, It seems like winter has arrived in full. This morning we got here first snow - not much, just some on the ground. The place looked so peaceful. The gym session was cancelled this morning due to the arrival of some new equipment. I mean it's not new, it's recycled. I don't think prison would spend money to buy a piece of brand new gym equipment. Anyway, today I was all day in my cell. Luckily my art materials arrived! After almost 2 months of waiting for it. Prison can definitely teach you how to be patient. I remember how it used to be when I was outside - everything needed to be done immediately. No patience at all. Now, I am learning how to just wait. So I received all my brushes, my acrylic A4 paper, watercolour paints and watercolour pencils and also some graphite pencils. I got myself so busy painting in my cell that I nearly forgot about the whole world. I tested everything and ended up painting 3 additional 'magic trees'. I hope art will help me to survive this nightmare here. Today is also David's 71st birthday, so I painted him a little card with a tree on it and I managed to get a few guys to sign it. He is definitely not the most popular guy in here so getting anyone to sign this card for him was a miracle. I also bought him some cakes and sweets from the canteen last week. He was very happy with it all and we invited DJ, Martin and Jose to join us and eat the sweets. I had a tiny spoon of the cake as I am trying to watch what I eat. I am quite happy how the diet goes and my exercises - now I have lost 4 kg in total. I got 2 letters today - one from my mum and one from my friend back home Agnieszka. My mum sent me some postcards of Łódź and Agnieszka's letter was extremely nice and positive. She told me how much she liked my tree I painted for her and that she carries it in her bag for good luck. How nice of her. If I ever sign deportation agreement it is going to be extremely weird to be living in Poland again. I don't know anybody there anymore and those few I do - they have their own lives now. I will feel so extremely out of place. How will I handle this? I don't know. Signing deportation means that I will lose everything and everyone I know. I am not sure if I have enough strength to start my life all over. Believe it or not but I sometimes think that I will wake up from this dream and I will be back home in London with you next to me. With no prison and no cancer. One can always dream. Now I need to stick to 2 things: my art and my gym. I hope I can do it and this will help me here. There is this feeling inside of me, feeling of knowing that I have nothing left to lose. It's a horrible kind of feeling of emptiness inside, but I suppose I have nothing else left, but to go on. How are you? I hope you are getting better with each new day now. I know basically nothing about your health these days, so I can only express my hope. Please look after yourself. I miss you. Forever yours, Sebastian
  2. 11 January 2016 Dear C, Wow... David Bowie died. I know it's random, but he was a kind of a legend. I was never a big fan, but I know of his music. "China Girl" is a song I remember from my childhood. You know I still cannot listen to the music. Most of the songs on the radio remind me of the past. It's something I thought it would never happen - after all music is my remedy for all the sorrows. But not anymore. I hope it will pass one day. Yesterday someone was playing songs of Phil Collins out loud from his cell - it reminded me how much I used to like this guy. Been to the gym this morning, it was a pure slaughterhouse. We did some crazy exercises - bike spinning combining with some other cardio exercises. I thought I would die. Seriously. It was so extreme that one guy nearly fainted. The instructor who was running the show is a real twat. You can tell how much he hates being here and working with us. Other instructors are really cool, but him. My body is still in the shock - I have never done any exercises like that in my entire life. But I suppose this is the key - no sweat no effects. I only hope I will last. DJ has been trying to convince me to start jogging with him when it gets warmer, but I am not sure about it. Me running around the prison yard...? There is one guy called Graham, who just runs all the time. All the time. He is like a machine. I would never, in million years, run like him. You know it's only January of 2016 and I feel like I have been inside this prison forever. I do not know how others can cope. Some people have been here for years. Have they been institutionalized? Is it like they don't know otherwise? This is their life now? I cannot imagine being like that. Each day here is filled with misery. And I don't know how to handle it. David comes to visit me quite often. He has been trying to convince me to open my heart to God. He says that the bible is the book of wisdom and should help me go through difficult times. That I should give my life to Jesus.What a pile of bullocks. Isn't God a sadistic creature who enjoys himself watching us all suffer on this sick planet? I bet each time someone suffers God smiles. And I am supposed to open up my heart to someone like this? No, thank you. I bet he loved that moment when you found out about your cancer and watched you when your world collapsed. I bet he laughed out loud. David however, strongly believes in God. He even told me that he felt the power of some holy spirit and he felt on the floor. He said it felt like a thunder-stroke him. LOL. That is all I can say, but I am glad that this helps him. I suppose that this is what you call "faith". Oh well, good on him. There was a fight on the yard yesterday. Some guys started to fight over some noodles. I still cannot digest such behavior. It's a bloody pack of noodles...! I gave one pack to DJ the other day as he was hungry and I didn't want anything for it. It's just noodles. It's after 1 in the morning now and I cannot sleep, that's why I am writing to you. Luckily I don't have gym in the morning tomorrow, just art class. Art is going well. I am soon finishing the second level and that's it. I have created so many of my magic trees. People do like them a lot. I wonder if you liked them too - if you ever got a chance to see my efforts. I love art. I love the process of creation. I love how colours blend with one another. I love the warm colours like browns, reds, yellows and pinks. And purple has become one of my favourite colour too now. One day I'm gonna try to paint something else. Maybe animals. I ordered some paints and brushes, so I can do them in my cell here. How are you doing? How are you feeling? I hope you're making some progress. I am often thinking of you being fully recovered in the near future. I am 100% sure you will be okay one day. One day soon. So God, if you please - stop laughing and make sure C gets better. Forever yours, Sebastian
  3. Hello, C had nothing to do with me being in prison... And thank you for your kind words. S.B.
  4. 25.11.2015 Dear C, I was back to the beach. This time it was very windy and cold. I could almost feel the wind on my face (I suppose that was the real wind blowing inside my cell through that fucking broken window). I was freezing. The beach was empty as usual and the lighthouse was there too. For a moment I thought I could see someone walking inside there, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. The only thing I was paying attention to was the feeling of something trying to push me towards the cold sea water. Even though I was standing far from the sea I felt like I was being pushed towards it. And I didn’t want to be anywhere near that cold water, but I couldn’t help it. Then I woke up. I got another e-mail from Lisa, she seems to be worried about me. Bless her. I replied to her and asked her if she could help you out getting a job once you are back on track. I don’t think you working in Argos would be the best idea. Working with someone like Lisa and doing an office job would be the best for you in my opinion. She is a great boss, a bit of a drama queen, but at least you would laugh a lot with her. And I am sure she would look after you. So let me handle it from here, once she comes to visit me I will speak to her about it. I will ask her not to tell you that I was behind this anyway. I just want you to have the best possible job outcome once you are ready to start a new job. Maybe you could even find your own place after some time and settle down. I was wondering today how Cindy’s work experience is going… Hope she is enjoying it. I saw a woman from well-being clinic today, she was worried about me, she gave me more anti-depressants. I am not sure if I really want to take them. I don’t want to turn into a zombie. This morning they brought a new guy to our wing. He is English and he looks like a zombie. He must be in his 30s yet he looks like he is 60 years old. Some guys know him already. Apparently he was here before. His trade mark is to cut himself so much that the entire floor would be covered with blood. And he does that to get attention or if the screws (the term describing officers here) don’t want to give him what he wants. I passed him by on a corridor this morning and he gave me a dirty look, but I ignored him. I actually feel sorry for him a bit. I hope he won’t cut himself again. I saw his arms – covered with bandages and wounds. DJ came to my cell today and he was telling me all about the pagan stuff and how he believes in fortune telling. He has tarot cards in his cell and said he would try them with me one day. Not sure if I believe in all this, but it would be interesting to see what some cards can tell about my future. Or if there is any future for me there at all. There is another guy on my landing – Ryan. He looks like 12 years old kid. With the most yellow teeth I have ever seen. His cell looks like a trash hole. He seems to get attached to DJ a lot (they have cells opposite to each other). That Ryan gives me creeps, but DJ tolerates him. C, let me finish now. I want to write a letter to my mum now and also to Agnes. I hope you are ok? Please look after yourself there. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  5. 2.11.2015 Dear C, How are you doing? I hope you are doing well and catching up on everything you have missed out on when you were in the hospital. I miss you dearly and I really wish I could be there for you and enjoy those moments with you too. I received an email from Kasia today, a very long one. She basically told me off for being weak, for loving you, for caring for you and for being a total fool. For allowing you to break my heart. It did hurt really bad when I was reading it. For a moment I thought she didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. And I don’t know why. I totally understand how pissed off she must have been with me for partially leaving her in this mess. You have no idea C, how grateful I am to her for everything she has done to me. She stood by me all the way – when the lights went down and I was left alone. You left me, but not her. I should never forget this. I know that you two don’t like each other anymore – it seems like you actually hate each other now. It hurts me to see that you guys cannot bury the hatchet. Life is way too short to be like that. When I was reading that email from her, I realized how deeply she hurt me by the way she spoke to me, using really harsh words. She was almost rude. I read the whole email 3 times. Finally, I came to some conclusions. She is partially right. I agree that I have to get back to life. I have to move on. But I do not agree with her saying that I am stupid and weak. Yes, I know I need to find the strength in me to carry on here. I need to learn how to fight for myself now. It’s gonna be difficult. Now with your birthday approaching and Christmas around the corner… But I will try. I am so tired of taking all these antidepressants. I am so fucking tired of the pain in my heart. You know Kasia advised me not to call you on the phone for a year or so, so I should heal faster. She is very convinced that you will be 100% healthy soon, that you will find someone very soon and will forget about me. And I will be here all alone thinking about you. But I don’t know if I can just stop communicating with you – just like that like you’ve never existed. Especially on your birthday and Christmas. Lucia, on the other hand, told me that I should try to stay connected with you. To make sure that you know I still care and love you. I do care for you my love and I do love you so, so fucking much. Like the biggest idiot, but I don’t care. Here, life goes on very slowly. Each day is like a week. I have passed my oral English exam today with ease. And the teacher tricked me to do a written exam too saying I can pass better than anyone else. So I agreed. The results will come soon. I was also told I must prepare the PowerPoint presentation on a specific subject of my choice. Others were given the option, I was told I had to do it. After that, I will be moved to the advanced English classes. Whatever. Art is going well too. I keep painting my trees. I make them so colourful. It makes me forget how dark the world inside here is. Ok baby, that’s all for today. Please look after yourself there in London. I so wish I could hug you right now. Without saying anything, just hug you and feel you. I love you. Forever yours Sebastian
  6. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 13

    Thank you kindly for your comments. Yes, it wasn't easy. It is still hard sometimes, but I am trying to put all this behind. You will all know what really happened. One day soon I will create a page with the explanation of what happened to me. Do follow my art page - it will be there www.sebastianbauerart.com Thank you. S.B.
  7. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 14

    Dear Hunter of Porn, Thank you for the comment. I am still learning how to paint. It's a journey. C doesn't know anything about my letters. I have no idea how he would have reacted to them... S.B.
  8. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 14

    4.10.2015 Dear C, How are you doing my love…? I had a dream last night, I saw you walking down the streets in Wimbledon. I was waiting for you at the Starbucks. You came in and we kissed. We drank lots of hot chocolate and we laughed. We laughed so hard that my cheeks hurt. It was golden. It was magical. I felt how love embraced us again and held us tight. I woke up here so confused. It was 5 in the morning and when I saw the broken sink and scratched tiny mirror I got my reminder where I was… I didn’t cry. I just laid numb. I closed my eyes again and tried to come back to you, there at the Starbucks in Wimbledon – but I couldn’t anymore... Then I cried. Today I had my first art and English classes. There is a building here, which is designed for education only. They have many different courses here, it’s totally different to the previous place. Anyway English classes are ridiculous. With all due respect to everyone, but these people don’t know how to write. And I’m the only foreigner in the group. We had to write a formal and informal letter. I felt like being back to school. But other guys really struggled. Then I realised that it wasn’t a joke – they really didn’t know how to write anything. Now I feel really sorry for them. I kind of also gathered they didn’t like me, because the tutor praised me a lot (which made me feel really embarrassed) saying I should be an example for them… Art class was ok. I had no clue what I was doing. The tutor asked me what brushes I wanted to use – I knew nothing about brushes. I was then given some brushes for watercolour paints. I sat on my own and started to paint. It was fun to watch how the colours interacted with one another. It made feel quite mesmerised. I almost forgot how much pain there is inside of me. I couldn’t stop watching the colours and how they were drying onto the wet paper. I didn’t paint anything, I just did some circles and irregular shapes. I will never be able to paint, I’m not an artist and never will be, but at least now it takes me away from that place and the whole misery. At least for a moment. I spoke to Kasia yesterday and she said she would come here with my mum in December. I can’t wait for it to happen. Also Agnes wants to visit me. And I am sure Lisa will soon come. I miss them all so much. I miss you the most. I am worry of you every day. The people here are so much calmer. Like I told you before – it’s a completely different world. They say it’s more like a learning / healing centre than a regular prison. I mean it is still called a prison, but has less of a prison feel to it – well at least that’s what I can tell. My prison experience has just started after all. Baby, how is your chemo going on…? How are you talking this? I hope your friends are there for you, I hope Sarah is visiting you often. Please be positive. Be strong. I will write soon my love. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  9. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 13

    30.09.2015 Dear C, How are you doing? How is your chemo going? I spoke to my mum on the phone yesterday and she told me that the doctors were now looking for the donor for your bone marrow transplant… Oh God, I hope they will find that person soon. It was so good to hear your voice the other day we spoke… even though it was one of the most painful experience I had to ever endure…. I just couldn’t believe you told me, that before I leave the prison you might be already married to somebody else. How come? It’s us baby, it’s you and me, no one else… C, this prison is so much better. It’s decent. It seems like there is some kind of order here. One of the guards came to see me the other day and said he would be my personal officer – Mr Steward. A nice guy. He took me to a small office and asked me how I was coping. I broke down and told him a bit about us. He listened. He asked me to be strong. He talked to me about learning courses that I could do here and what kind of work I could sign up for. I think I’m gonna give it a go and try art classes. I can’t paint, but I like the idea of just creating something. I will never be as great as you are baby. My cell is in a decent “neighbourhood”. I have an old Scotish guy to my left – his name is John, then a guy called Ben on the other side. Ben seems very energetic – he must be in his mid-thirties. He helped me arrange a new kettle and gave me some chemicals to clean my cell when I moved in. There is also that guy called Trevor – he seems cool too. He looks like he spent all of his life sunbathing in the Bahamas – his skin is very tanned. There is also a little guy called Ryan – he is very short and looks like he is 16 years old. His teeth are terribly yellow and I saw his cell – what a mess… Geoff is on res 2 (I am on res 5), but we see each other during the exercise time. They let us out once a day at 11.30 till noon. We walk around the yard or sometimes we sit on the bench. Ibrahim also comes to my cell and he even encouraged me to play cards with me once. The worst is at night. When at 6pm they lock the cells and then I am left with nothing but my thoughts. It’s horrible. How am I going to last 3 years here…? Baby, my anti-depressants started to kick in now – I will end here and soon write again. I love you. So Much. Forever Yours Sebastian
  10. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 8

    09.09.2015 Dear C, I thought I would never write to you again, but I love you too much not to. I wish I could tell you not to leave me, not to treat me this way, not to hurt me this way - but I can’t. In all this, I need to remember that your health is the most important. That anything else doesn’t really matter anymore. Now when I mean so little to you – it will be easier for me to go – if ever someone here decides to abuse or hurt me again. I don’t need to be so fucking desperate to stay alive anymore. It’s almost like this heavyweight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can let go now. I cannot describe how much it hurts knowing you left me and how much I love and care for you, but I am not going to write about it. I am still getting strong meds and they make me sleep all the time. I don’t even know whether it’s a day or night, there is no window here. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. Sometimes I wake up here thinking I’m at home. I’m not.I’m very weak and feeling dizzy. I don’t really know what is going to happen to me. Forever Yours Sebastian
  11. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 7

    AC Benus, thank you very much...
  12. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 4

    Dear AC Benus, I truly appreciate your active feedback. The place I was sent too was very raw, very brutal. Many things you may wonder about now will be explained throughout all of my letters. My story is a journey - from dark to light. That's all I can say at this point. Thank you and kind regards. S.B.
  13. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 2

    AC Benus... it’s very true what you have put in your comment. I was a scapegoat there, an easy target in the world of violence, brutality and pure aggression and hatred. Thank you for understanding. S.B.
  14. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 1

    Thank you AC Benus, I appreciate your feedback. Kindest regards - S.B.
  15. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 7

    12.09.2015 Dear C, I think this is my last letter to you. After all that has happened I see no point writing. No point hoping. No point living. I have tried to go but I didn’t succeed. I am a failure on all levels. You have all the rights to feel angry and I wish I had told you about Roland before, but I was a fucking coward. I was scared that I would lose you. Everything fell apart. EVERYTHING. I have very little energy to write. I am locked up in an observation cell with a maximum security here and I have been drugged with some antidepressants and other stuff to calm me down. I sleep most of the time, sometimes I don’t know what is real and what is not. I don’t recognise the reality anymore. If ever, I will write more one day. Losing you is worse than any pain, worse than everything that has happened to me a few weeks ago. I don’t know, if I ever will be able to tell you or anyone about it. Now you left me and I can’t cope without you. I just can’t. I don’t want to. Forever yours, Sebastian
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