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Sebastian Bauer

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  1. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 40 (Mama Is Here...)

    12.12.2015 Dear C, I hope you are ok. I just had a visit from my mum and Kasia. It was extremely emotional. Extremely. I managed to keep my shit together. Well, almost. My mum was crying the moment she saw me, she just couldn’t stop. I was so close to burst into tears too, but I managed to keep it together. But on the inside – I was broken. I tried my hardest to turn this visit into something positive, as much as such visit can be a positive experience… I don’t want her to worry too much when she’s back to Poland in 2 days. They bought me an egg and cheese sandwich with a diet coke. OMG! It tasted so fucking good! The cheese… Coke was alright, I think I could live without it now. But the cheese… My mum was so worried about me, but she tried not to ask too many questions. Which is great, so I didn’t have to tell her how much I suffered so far. I don’t think I would be able to lie to her. The entire visit lasted about 90 minutes, but it seemed like it went within 10 minutes. Kasia looked great as always and my mum looked good too. Considering her age I must admit she looks good. I obviously couldn’t help myself and asked about you. I could tell Kasia wasn’t pleased about that. My mum was trying to say only positive things. She reassured me that you were doing good and things are going well in the hospital. Chemo is now finished and you might have one more cycle if necessary. Bone marrow transplant has been a success and you are looking forward to being home for Christmas. It was like the most beautiful music to my ears. I smiled and then I started to cry. I just couldn’t help it. My mum grabbed my hand and she started to cry too. I was trying to say something comforting, but how the hell could I find any comforting words? I just cried in front of them. I felt like my heart and my souls were taken from my body and threw into fire. All the thoughts hit me like a brick: the fact that I am in prison as the innocent human being, that I cannot be with you now when you’re going through all this, that I have been raped and beaten up on many occasions… The fact that eventually I have lost you and my life I built. That I have lost everything. It was so hard at that moment... But I got my shit together for my mum and composed myself. And I managed to divert our conversation into something else. Mum told me she would come to visit me again in 2016, probably summer time. I am already looking forward to that visit. She also told me that she would send you a parcel with your favourite polish food and sweets. She forgot about your favourite toffee candies, but I reminded her too. Then the visit came to an end. My hands started to sweat and shake and I just wanted to stay longer with them and then come back home. I didn’t want to go back to my cell. I wanted to be free again. We said our goodbyes and my mum started to cry again. I told her we would see each other again tomorrow morning (the visit starts at 9.30am). So she stopped. I have no idea how am I going to comfort her tomorrow, when I would have to say a proper goodbye. But that’s tomorrow. When I got back to my cell, I was in pieces. David came to see if I was ok. I suppose he knew how these visits were, how emotional they could get. Jose wasn’t himself today, he seemed very distant and down. Once I got myself together I went to see him in his cell (it’s right in front of mine) and tried to talk to him. Eventually he got better I think. We even laughed for a bit as he told me he wasn’t able to pronounce word “strategy”. I told him that I couldn’t pronounce word “available” when I was at the university. Well at least we laughed for a bit. I got a note today that on Tuesday I am seeing UK border agency – they are coming to prison once a month to deal with foreigners when it comes to deportation. Once I know the details I might consider signing the papers. It is breaking my heart thinking that I might have to leave London. It was home. On the same day in the afternoon I should have my MOT done at the gym and I hope they will put me on a list to start attending the weight loss club. This is gonna be interesting. Ok C, let me finish now. I am mentally drained after today. I wanna take more anti-depressants so I would be ok for tomorrow’s visit again. I miss you. Forever yours, Sebastian
  2. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 39 (Been high all day)

    11.12.2015 Dear C, I am pretty nervous about my mum’s visit tomorrow. I just don’t wanna have a total meltdown in front of her. I so need to be strong for her and pretend that I am ok. I have taken a double dose of anti-depressants today and I have been pretty much unconscious the whole day. I hope I will stay kinda numb like this for the whole weekend – I have another visit from mum the day after tomorrow too. David came to see me today, but I was unable to speak much as the pills kicked in. I think I was high on them. He noticed that something was up and advised me not to get involved in drugs in prison. Well, that’s the last thing I would do, however never say never. But I doubt it. Then also Jose came. He was very comforting and he understood how stressed I was about the visit. He said I would do fine. I hope he is right. I know it’s silly, but I am almost panicking now. It’s almost 1am now and I have a few hours to sleep before I see my mum and Kasia. I am not worried about Kasia, she saw me at my worse, but not my mum. And that’s the last thing I want: get my mum worried even more. Anyway Jose has been watching over me today. It’s Friday today, but it’s been raining all day long, so there was no exercise called at all. All outdoor activities were cancelled. You know, yesterday I ordered a bottle of fizzy drink for Jose – he has no money sent in here at all. I don’t have much money either, but I wanna get him that soft drink. I feel sorry for him. And I don’t want anything for it – I didn’t even tell him I had ordered something for him. I had a very weird and disturbing visit this morning. Some guy came to my cell and decided to talk to me about prison life. His name is Molo and he is originally from America. African American. He is around 30 years old – I think. He came to UK as a child and been living here since. I saw him on my wing a few times, but never talked to him really. He was a bit forward – came in without asking, sat on my chair and made himself at home. I was too doped on drugs to tell him to fuck off, so I kinda let him talk. Anyway as he was talking, he suddenly sat next to me on my bed and made a move on me. He basically grabbed my hand and I think he was aiming to kiss me. I pushed him away and stood up. What a dick! Luckily DJ passed by and as I had my cell door slightly opened – I called DJ to pop his head in. Molo looked embarrassed and sat back on the chair. DJ came over and I had to come up with some silly line quickly – I asked him if he received any news about his art course. As DJ got into telling me about it, Molo made his excuses and left. DJ then asked me if I was ok, I told him that I was and I’m a bit tired. Once DJ left I locked my cell door and went to bed. Slept the whole afternoon and missed my dinner. When I woke up all the cell doors were already locked up. I was starving! These anti-depressants make you so hungry. And I had nothing to eat. Not even a piece of bread. So what I did I just ate some dry coffee… How sad was that. My kettle is broken, so I couldn’t make myself any coffee – hence I ate a bit. Just to have some taste in my mouth. It was terrible – prison coffee is not Starbucks for sure. I am still starving and my belly is playing another hunger symphony now. I will only eat tomorrow afternoon lunch time as I also missed the breakfast – remember we get a tiny milk and a tiny pack of cereals with our dinner. And I missed that too this evening. Nevermind. Baby, I’m gonna get another anti-depressant now and try to fall asleep. I need to be ready for tomorrow. Please look after yourself there my love. Forever yours, Sebastian
  3. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 38 (To Survive The Night)

    9.12.2015 Dear C, This is my 38th letter to you and the number 38 has been good to me. I have been seeing it around me from time to time and each time I see it I feel at peace. I have no idea why, but it is the fact. And even now, when I am writing this 38th letter to you – I feel weirdly calm. Nights are becoming my nightmares here. I visited my beach again. I was there alone and it was very cold. Again, I was floating in the air just above the sand, sometimes so close to the ground – I could feel the grains of sand hitting my face. The sand was very warm, but the air was freezing cold. I saw the lighthouse in the far distance too. Above that lighthouse, the sky was purple and yellow. Sometimes it turned green. There were people going inside the lighthouse, but I couldn’t see who they were. Then I realised it was you. You in so many different clothes, different haircuts .I was trying hard to make my way to catch you there, but I couldn’t move. And a part of me, something in my head was telling me that I shouldn’t go to that lighthouse. Then I saw a man dressed in black running across the beach towards the sea. The sky turned dark, but where he ran – the spotlight lightened up the ground. He wore a massive black hat. He never looked at me, but I could sense he knew I was there watching him. When he finally reached the shore, he exploded. And I woke up. I was so confused C. I mean seriously, I was transferred to a different world during that dream. Like a different dimension. I do not know what all this means. The lighthouse, the beach, the skies in multiple colours.I don’t understand this. But for the first time, I saw you there. And that threw me off the track even more. Two nights ago I relived another nightmare in my dream. I was raped again, by the same man. This time here, in my cell. He appeared at night as I was sleeping. I couldn’t see his face, but I knew it was him as I saw the cigarette in his mouth. The orange light was glowing bright and the smoke was coming out of his mouth. He didn’t say anything just laughed and before I even managed to defend myself he was on top of me covering my body with his fists. I could taste the blood in my mouth and felt my teeth cracking. I screamed. I was screaming so loud that eventually, my cell neighbour started to bang against the wall. That woke me up. I was covered with sweat and I started to cry. I was paralysed with fear and I couldn’t move. It was 2.44 in the morning. I was so scared of falling asleep again that I managed to stay awake till the morning light. You know what I did to stay awake? I thought of all the moments we shared together. Our moments when we laughed till we cried, our escapades to the cinema, our favourite food, our Christmases and Easters. Our mornings in bed, our nights playing Wii games. Our watching of “Lost” and the tears we shared there. Our late nights at Starbucks in Wimbledon, our trip to Poland, you dancing at Depeche Mode concert in my hometown. All of this helped me survive the night. It was 5.30 in the morning, I made myself a cup of tea, then had some coffee and ate some porridge. And I survived another day. Yesterday we had a bit of commotion here. Some young guy attacked another with a razor – all during the morning walk. I was not far away from them, but I didn’t see what exactly happened. All I know is that they were jumping to each other’s throws for some money debts. I think one of them owned the other some cans of tuna or something like this. As pathetic as it sounds, here it’s a big deal. I still cannot get my head around it, but maybe I haven’t been inside long enough to understand it completely. And I hope I never will. Anyway, the guy who was attacked was sent to a prison hospital and the attacker is in a seg (segregation unit). When you end up in a seg you automatically go on a basic level. And I think only after 3 months they can review whether you can go back on standard or not. This afternoon we were locked up in our cells as the prison staff were on some training. I thought I would sleep a bit but I couldn’t. Instead, my mind was trying to comprehend what is happening to me, what is happening in my life. I do not understand any of that. I still cannot believe you are no longer with me. There have always been things in my life I was never sure about, but I always thought, I was always sure that we would always be together. How silly of me? Anyway, I hope you are doing well C. I know practically nothing about your health now. I was so, so fucking tempted to give you a call today, just to see how you feel. But I didn’t. I have to respect you and your decision – as per your wish. It hurts me deeply right here in my bruised and tired heart. Let me finish here. It’s getting late and I will try to sleep. I just hope I will go back to my beach again. I don’t want to feel the pain when I sleep. I love you. Forever yours, Sebastian
  4. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 37

    3.12.2015 Dear C, How is everything? How are you feeling? I wonder if you can sense it that you are in my mind all the time. I wonder if there is this connection between us still… My day was alright. It’s Thursday today and it’s the laundry day. Each landing has a separate day assigned for their laundry – as I am on landing 4 our day is Thursday. There are 2 guys on the wing who work in the laundry room and they look after prisoners’ dirty wash. Obviously, if you pay them from your own pocket (meaning pack of noodles or a can of tune or whatever else they might want), you will receive your laundry back quicker and it will have conditioner added to it. I don’t care to be honest. I have so very little of my clothes that I can’t be bothered. Thursday is also the day when we receive our canteen. It’s basically the groceries and toiletries that we can order on weekly basis from the list provided. Everything is so overpriced and knowing that I earn 7 pounds a week doesn’t help. So I need to choose whether I want a bar of soap or extra milk. I am not even talking about luxuries such as Mars bar or a can of coke. My mum told me she would send me some money soon so I can have it added to my weekly spending. I could then have additional 10 pounds added to my weekly shopping! It’s great my mum will help me here. I truly appreciate this. You get 3 prisoner levels here: basic, standard and enhanced. Everybody starts from a standard. Then you can go down to basic – if you fuck up with the system (fight, being late for work, get caught with drugs etc.) or you get enhanced – if you become an orderly in the education building, become a mentor, have clean records etc. And you cannot maintain your innocence if you want to be enhanced. So I will never become enhanced. What they are trying to do here is to get everybody to admit to the things they have or have not done so they can then send people to various courses. These courses are designed to “fix” people. And here comes the best part: the prison receives 14 thousand pounds for each prisoner, who complete the course. Imagine this! That’s a lot of money. So obviously they push as hard as they can for people to lie and say: “yes, I am guilty”. And one of their methods to lure people into this is the whole enhancement status; you get extra things there: extra laundry washing, extra family and friends visit, extra hours at the gym, more money at work and 20 pounds can be sent weekly to your spending account from your private account (obviously if your family and friends send you money to prison). So it’s all about the money again. Even the prison system is forcing you to lie so they can cash on you. I am in prison because someone figured it out that they can get 7 thousand pounds for accusing me of things I have never done. Let it be. Have it. Enjoy the money. But at least here, I will not let them trap me. I’d rather be on a basic level if I have to be, as supposed to lying and saying things which are not true. Anyway babe, my mum told me she wouldn’t be able to visit you when she comes here as she will not be staying in London at all – only flying in and out of the city. Maybe next time then. I just regret you won’t receive your pierogis on this occasion. But her schedule is really tight. Art classes are going fine. I am doing my own Christmas cards to send to mum and a few friends. Instead of doing regular Christmas trees I am painting my magic trees. I would love you to see the one I made for you, but I must respect your decision not to bother you. It’s a very bitter pill to swallow. English class was great today! For a change! And you know why? Coz the tutor didn’t know what to do with us or couldn’t be bothered so she played us a horror movie “13 Ghosts”. I’ve seen it already, but it was nice to watch a movie. Plus she is waiting for the written exams to arrive and once this is done my English course is completed. Today I found under my cell door some invitation to join the main governor for the Koestler Trust And People Plus award ceremony. Not sure why I got it, but I can go. It’s on the 8th of December (next week Tuesday) at 9.30am. I did not take this invite seriously, but once I showed it to Dave, he told me I should feel very honoured I was invited. Oh well, first of all, I should not be here in this place, so I don’t feel “honoured” to attend some prison ceremony. But there is nothing I can do about my current situation. I am trying really hard not to go crazy about this whole thing. It is so hard to do baby, so hard… I am just trying to take each day as it is. Yesterday I asked my mum to register my domain so I could use it for my art in the future – if there is one for me of course. I thought of the name: the magic trees art. Hopefully, I could then present my artwork there and if I’m lucky to sell some. Time will tell. Wouldn’t it be perfect if we could run such business together? Just imagine… Ok C, let me finish now. Look after yourself and be strong for me, please. You are always in my heart. I got you right here and I am not stopping to love you. Forever yours, Sebastian
  5. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 36

    02.12.2015 Dear C, I heard from my mum today and she told me that you are going through another chemo. And it’s a very strong one. Baby… I am so sorry. I can only imagine how weak you must be. If I could only take some of this suffering from you – I would in a heartbeat. It breaks my heart knowing how much you are suffering there. It really does. If I understood my mum correctly, you should be having your bone marrow transplant too – at the same time. So that is a great news, isn’t it? I mean we both know it has to happen and they must have found a match for you baby. You’re going thru so much now and I cannot be there with you and for you. It’s killing me. Baby be strong, no matter what – never give up. Never! You hear me? You stay strong. This whole fucking nightmare will be soon over for you and you will be healthy and happy again. I promise you. My mum told me something else too. She said that you asked about me. I know it’s a lie, I know you don’t care about me, but I guess my mum just wanted to make me feel better. I broke down in tears on the phone when she told me you were going thru such strong chemo again. So she must have come up with something to cheer me up a little I guess. The fact is that you must be forgetting about me slowly nowadays – and it’s ok. Focus on your recovery. But you know what? If you really did ask about me… My heart melted. That’s all I can say. Even though I fool myself thinking that you did – it brings joy to my heart. Anyway, my art classes are going well. It’s funny how I call it ‘classes’. They don’t teach us there anything. We just get art tools and we do what we are pleased to do. There are certain things we are not allowed to draw or paint: nudity, religious symbols and football team logos. Funny, isn’t it? Well none of these subjects are of any interest to me – so I don’t really complaint, like others do. I am working on a castle now. This time I am doing it using coloured pencils only. No paints this time. It’s fun. Obviously I am doing it my way and I am nearly done. The castle is situated on top of some hills which in my world are full of colours. I like my colours. I like the magic of art. You can create the world that is only yours and it can look the way you want it to be. It’s freedom. That’s what it is. Freedom. And even here – in prison – no one can lock my imagination and my mind away. Yes, my body is in their possession, yes it is in chains, but not my spirit. Maria, my art tutor is loving the castle. She became a bit of a fan of my drawings and paintings. She says that my use of colours is very different to anything she has seen so far. Not sure if she’s saying the truth or she’s just being nice to me. But I feel like if I had met her in a normal world we would have been good friends. My English classes are so boring. You have no idea. I am not learning absolutely anything. The teacher – well, word teacher is a bit of an overstatement here – she acts like she does not want to be here at all. The rest of the guys in my group are so dumb – and I am trying to be really polite here. But at least I am away from my cell. I should complete English course on December 21st, then I have no idea what will I do next. I finish art classes on the 29th of January. Maybe I will sign up to music and business classes. Music is not singing – you know babes I’m not Mariah Carey. It’s about creating computer generated music using Cubase software. I think I can try this. I met with a well-being person today and Carrie told me she put me on a waiting list for a weight loss programme. I hope I will be able to do it. I am a bit concerned – I am not the fittest of them all. It’s almost 10pm now baby and it’s freezing here – as usual. And as I have already lost a bit of weight – my body doesn’t generate that much heat as it used to. I remember how you used to call me your personal heater – each time we laid down in bed. My love, look after yourself there. I love you. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  6. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 35 (It was meant to be a great day)

    1.12.2015 Dear C, Today is the day when we were supposed to be at the O2 Arena watching Madonna’s concert. And look where we are now… I remember how excited I was when I finally managed to get those tickets to see her! I so wanted to see your reaction and during the show – even more than the show itself. Do you remember when we actually first met? We spent hours talking who’s the real queen of pop. You were trying to convince me it was Lady Gaga and obviously I was trying to convince you it was Madonna. This is why I really wanted us to see Madonna together – simply to go down the memory lane and to cherish another great moment together. To build more memories together, to be able to smile one day when we are grey and old and talk about Madonna’s concert that we once went to see. But life decided for us. I just looked at my alarm clock and it is now 7.30pm. The concert starts in 30 minutes… I can only imagine the anticipation and excitement in the arena… I asked Kasia to either go and see the concert with someone or just to sell the tickets. After all I paid 700 pounds for the 2 of them. She will do what she pleases. The days here turn into months. It seems like I have been locked inside this prison for so long – but it’s only been 4 months. I haven’t visited my beach in my dreams recently. I don’t know why. You know, this morning as I was having my porridge with boiling water for breakfast I was staring at the building thru my tiny window. And then, suddenly I saw you. You stood there wearing your superdry jacket and black suede trousers. You saw me and you smiled. You smiled the way you used to do – it was the smile full of love for me. Then you waved to me. It was so real and intense that I became numb. I couldn’t eat anymore, tears started falling down my face and then you disappeared. I kept staring at the empty space you stood, but you were gone.I felt so unloved. I feel like life decided to push me down to the ground and kick me endlessly. I can’t make any sense out of this. I just can’t. The injustice of everything is overwhelming. I feel like the biggest fool. I trade my freedom for your health. And I lost. I am in prison and you left me. But no, actually it’s ok. It’s your health that matters. That’s what I asked for. I didn’t specify, that I would sacrifice my freedom in order for us to stay together. I only asked for your health. I never – in million years - imagined you’d leave me. So the fate better give me what I asked for – your health. That is all that matters. I don’t know if I ever make any sense of all that. I don’t even know if I make it alive. I often just don’t want to wake up anymore. You have no idea how it feels, when you wake up so cold in the morning knowing that you are in a hopeless place like this, where nobody cares about you and you are left completely alone. Human touch is what I miss so much. I feel like an animal in a cage. Waiting to be slaughtered. My mum is coming here soon to visit me. Less than 2 weeks now. She’s arriving in London on the 11th of December and leaving on the 14th. This is gonna be so emotional. I am saving up my antidepressants for that visit, so hopefully I will not break down in front of her. I met a guy called Charlie here. He is a young lad in his mid-twenties. He is obsessed with the gym here and he told me I should sign up for a few sessions. I am sure I would benefit from it and losing weight could do me good. I wonder how would you react if I ever lose all that weight… I know that we would probably never meet again, but it’s just a thought. And I don’t even know if I am strong enough to lose weight. Baby, let me finish here. Please look after yourself there. I miss you. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  7. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 34 (The worst goodbyes)

    28.11.2015 Dear C, I got an email from Lucia today and she told me all about Cindy’s work experience in the office! I was so happy to read that she really liked that. And they all treated her like a little lady! I am so pleased. Lucia told me that they all knew she was the sister of my boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend now), so she got a special treatment. Wonderful. Lucia mentioned also that you have been doing really good and you had your last treatment yesterday (Friday). I am not sure if she meant your last chemo? Treatment? I am not sure what she meant, but either way – I am so pleased you are doing fine. Lucia said that she believes you still love me, she said she saw it in your eyes… But I do remember how much you hated your every single ex (Sam, Hugo and Mike) and I am pretty sure I am one of them now that you probably hate the most. I am trying to deal with it daily, but believe me – it’s fucking hard in prison. It’s been raining all day today – I didn’t even bother to go out for exercise today. I called my mum, she is doing fine. David came to my cell and we had a long chat. We talked about life and destiny. He told me he is happy I am recovering now (am I?)… He joked that he would take your belt away from me (the one I sleep on at night), but I told him I’d never let him do so. I told him that maybe I should do art as my future business and he loved that idea. Then he said: let’s talk about C! I laughed. He always tries to talk very little about you as he knows how painful it is for me. He even laughed that he would start mentioning your name in his sleep because of me. Jose also came to visit me. I told him about us today and he told me that we never had a chance to see each other after all this and explained things. The most painful goodbyes are the ones that were never said and explained. He said that our story is like a movie. He couldn’t believe that everything happened for us at the same time. Within 3 months our worlds were turned into dust. When I think about it, it’s very heart-breaking. How come God (if he exists at all) would allow that to happen? All we had was pure love for each other. Well, at least from my side. David often tells me to allow God in my life, but I am not going to do so. I don’t hang out with cruel dudes who have fun seeing others suffer. No thank you. Anyway me and Jose became closer recently. It’s funny how we became like this. On the outside we would never be friends. We are too different, way too different. But here things are taken from a different perspective I guess. I wonder if I ever meet here and become close to that I normally wouldn’t do. Time will tell. Lucia told me also that she would come to visit me in December or January and that she would ask you if you want to come with her. I know you won’t come, but it’s nice of her to offer. Today I also got an email from Agnes. It was so beautiful. She was telling me how her and Sipi (you remember him – Agnes’ boyfriend) are totally different, yet they belong together. And she said something really touching, she said that one thing they have in common is that they both love me. OMG… it brought tears to my eyes. I love them both. Ok my love, I’m gonna end this letter here. I wish I could touch your hand now. Just for a moment. I love you. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  8. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 33 (The Future)

    Hello, C had nothing to do with me being in prison... And thank you for your kind words. S.B.
  9. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 33 (The Future)

    25.11.2015 Dear C, I was back to the beach. This time it was very windy and cold. I could almost feel the wind on my face (I suppose that was the real wind blowing inside my cell through that fucking broken window). I was freezing. The beach was empty as usual and the lighthouse was there too. For a moment I thought I could see someone walking inside there, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. The only thing I was paying attention to was the feeling of something trying to push me towards the cold sea water. Even though I was standing far from the sea I felt like I was being pushed towards it. And I didn’t want to be anywhere near that cold water, but I couldn’t help it. Then I woke up. I got another e-mail from Lisa, she seems to be worried about me. Bless her. I replied to her and asked her if she could help you out getting a job once you are back on track. I don’t think you working in Argos would be the best idea. Working with someone like Lisa and doing an office job would be the best for you in my opinion. She is a great boss, a bit of a drama queen, but at least you would laugh a lot with her. And I am sure she would look after you. So let me handle it from here, once she comes to visit me I will speak to her about it. I will ask her not to tell you that I was behind this anyway. I just want you to have the best possible job outcome once you are ready to start a new job. Maybe you could even find your own place after some time and settle down. I was wondering today how Cindy’s work experience is going… Hope she is enjoying it. I saw a woman from well-being clinic today, she was worried about me, she gave me more anti-depressants. I am not sure if I really want to take them. I don’t want to turn into a zombie. This morning they brought a new guy to our wing. He is English and he looks like a zombie. He must be in his 30s yet he looks like he is 60 years old. Some guys know him already. Apparently he was here before. His trade mark is to cut himself so much that the entire floor would be covered with blood. And he does that to get attention or if the screws (the term describing officers here) don’t want to give him what he wants. I passed him by on a corridor this morning and he gave me a dirty look, but I ignored him. I actually feel sorry for him a bit. I hope he won’t cut himself again. I saw his arms – covered with bandages and wounds. DJ came to my cell today and he was telling me all about the pagan stuff and how he believes in fortune telling. He has tarot cards in his cell and said he would try them with me one day. Not sure if I believe in all this, but it would be interesting to see what some cards can tell about my future. Or if there is any future for me there at all. There is another guy on my landing – Ryan. He looks like 12 years old kid. With the most yellow teeth I have ever seen. His cell looks like a trash hole. He seems to get attached to DJ a lot (they have cells opposite to each other). That Ryan gives me creeps, but DJ tolerates him. C, let me finish now. I want to write a letter to my mum now and also to Agnes. I hope you are ok? Please look after yourself there. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  10. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 32 (The Lighthouse)

    24.11.2015 Dear C, Happy birthday my love! Someone is getting older 🙂 I hope you had a wonderful day today? Did your mum make some of your favourite food for you? Did Sarah and Cindy surprise you with something nice? I bet they did. There is no need for me to say how much I wish I was there with you. I called you first thing after they unlocked our cells this morning but I got a message that your number was unavailable… I couldn’t try to dial it again as I had to go to my art classes. My thoughts were rolling wild in my head and all I could think of was that you had changed your number, so I couldn’t call you anymore. I thought that I couldn’t have my heart broken more than this, but I was wrong. I really tried to keep my shit together during the art classes, but even Jose notice that something was wrong and kept asking me if I was ok. When I got back to my wing at 11am I decided to give it another try. The phone rang! I was so relieved and happy. Obviously you never picked up, but that’s ok. I read you my birthday wishes that I had written a few days before. And when I hanged up I knew that it was the last time I called you. Something inside of me told me I needed to heal my soul and my heart. And that I needed to start that process now. I didn’t know if I would stick to it and never call you again. I didn’t know if I would heal at all. But a part of me wanted to find some light back again in my life and I started to realise that in order to do so, I needed to move on from you. I got 3 letters today. One from Lisa, one from Liz from human resources and one from Ania. Lisa promised me she would be coming here soon. I cannot wait, I miss her a lot. Liz was very supportive in her letter too. To be honest I never thought she would reply to me, but I was wrong. She promised me she would stay in touch and asked me to stay strong. It’s nice to know that someone like Liz – top dog in my company writes to me and wants to stay in touch. Ania’s letter was lovely too. She opened up about her problems back in Poland. I hope she will sort everything out for herself. Last night I dreamt I was on the beach again. I felt the sea breeze and the sun warming my skin. There was nobody there, just me. I think I saw a lighthouse in the distance and the bright light coming out of it. The light was piercing the night sky leaving some beautiful patterns behind. The weird thing was that where I stood on the beach it was daytime, but the lighthouse was located on the part of the beach which was covered in darkness. There is a new guy on my landing called DJ. He is from Australia, but been living in UK for most of his life. He is in his mid-30s and seems very nice. I spoke to him a few times, he loves the lord of the ring movies – just like me. He has a big Gandalf poster on his wall. He also does art and will be coming to classes soon. I spoke with my mum, she told me she wished you happy birthday on Facebook and that you replied ‘thank you’ in Polish language… It’s nice you still remembered how to say it. Today someone was caught with a mobile phone in his cell. How the hell they manage to get those phones in? I have no clue. So now we are expecting cell searches soon – they basically throw everything you have upside down and most of your belongings end up on a corridor. It’s not nice, but no one cares. C, let me finish now. It’s so cold here that my fingers are becoming numb. I’m going to cover myself with my blanket now and try to sleep. I hope I can come back to my beach again. I keep sleeping with my winter jacket still on. My toes are so cold – even though I sleep with 2 pairs of socks. Baby, happy birthday again. May you be happy and healthy. I love you. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  11. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 31

    22.11.2015 Dear C, How is my favourite guy doing? Hope you are doing well? It’s Sunday today and I have been sleeping almost the entire weekend. The antidepressants do their job. I wish I could fall asleep today and wake up the day I will be leaving from here. Or maybe not wake up at all. Doesn’t matter to me really. I spoke to my mum yesterday on the phone. First, she didn’t pick up the phone so I had to wait 10 minutes and called again. You know, here you can’t just make one call after another. There has to be 10 minutes gap between calls. So even if you get through the answering machine – it is classified as a call and you have to wait another 10 minutes to call again. She was relieved when I called again. Bless her. She will be coming to London on the 11th of December and will be seeing me here the next day and the day after. I asked her to see you so she could bring you the polish dumplings (pierogis) – the one you liked so much. As well as your favourite toffee candies. She said she would. I hope you two will be able to meet up. She told me also that she hasn’t heard from you for a few days and it got me worried. She also said that she wasn’t angry with you that you had left me here alone. She believes that the chemo did its job and because of that you act towards me that way. Her best friend Ania thinks the same way. The only person she is really pissed off with is Roland. She reminded me that it’s because of him our relationship ended. Because I hid from you the fact I had the partnership with him to help him get the UK visa. And you know the moment he got the visa, he came to our place and took my Apple MacBook, iPad and iPhone. Kasia gave him thinking it must have been his. I can’t blame her although I am angry with him. And disappointed. He definitely doesn’t need me anymore now. I bet I will never hear from him ever again. I can live with that. But knowing you left me here is something I can’t come to terms with. I actually do not want to love ever again. Love is like a disease. Like a bullet. Like a big lie. It comes to you dressed beautifully and plays the most beautiful tunes, but then it strips you down from everything you started to love. I think I will do just fine without loving anyone. Yesterday afternoon I dreamt that I came back home after all this and you were waiting for me in Poland. My mum told me she was going out to get some food and she came back with you. You and her organised everything to surprise me, to say you still love me. I was so happy to see you baby and so were you. We both cried. And so did she. I woke up crying here, but quickly I dried my tears and became numb. I don’t want to love again. Tomorrow your little sister should start her work experience in my office. I feel excited for her. How I wish I was there for her. But I know Lucia will look after her. She will be in good hands. I am sure of that. I feel like my life has been paused now and there are so many things happening, but without me. It’s a very sad feeling. It feels like I am dead yet I live. It’s hard to explain. Your big day is coming too. I never thought there would be a time when I wouldn’t get to spend your birthday with you, by your side. I decided yesterday that I would call you on 24th. But I wrote a little not to read to you. Otherwise I’d go into a total meltdown and this is the last thing you want to hear. So I will call you being prepared. The moment they will unlock our cells I will call you. A part of me doesn’t want you to pick up the phone, so I can read my greetings and birthday wishes and then I can hang up. But my heart is longing to hear your voice again. So maybe you could ask me if I am doing ok… I am missing you. Will it ever stop? Without you nothing makes sense to me anymore. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  12. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 30 (Food For Sex)

    20.11.2015 Dear C, Another week has passed and another terrorist attack! This time in Africa. They didn’t show much on BBC here, but I saw some footage. Please be careful there in London. I have this terrible feeling it will happen there soon. It’s weird, but seems that places like prison is the safest to be, when the terrorist attacks happen. Silly I know, but kind of true. Jose was talking about it today and I had to agree. Then I thought that if there was a zombie outbreak – again prison could be the safest place – or the most deadliest if one of the guards turn into one. God, I don’t even know what is going on with my head and am I saying these stupid things. I got a letter from my mum today and she told me that you are very tired and that you sleep a lot. I started to cry reading this because I can’t be there with you. Just to hold you. I wish I could cook for you my so-called Chinese soup – the one you loved so much. Or the hot shrimp salad – the one with spicy sausages, dry tomatoes, garlic and spinach leaves. I wonder if you still remember it… Baby, I was wondering if there is any progress with you bone marrow transplant? Did they find the donor yet? And if so, when will you have the operation? I am glad you are resting a lot. I can only imagine how tired you must feel. Please do what the doctors say. I did a small painting of the beach today. I guess I got inspired by the dream I had recently. I used acrylic paints and I must I am not a big fan of these. I prefer watercolours way more. I can blend colours so much better with them. It feels almost magical when I watch one colour blends with another. Anyway, people in my art class loved that painting, including the tutor Maria – but I am not so sure about it. You know that today marks 4 months since my court case started. It seems like it’s been 4 years though. And I have so many months to go. I don’t even want to think about it. It scares me. I received a short letter from Lisa today. I miss her a lot. She promised she’d visit me soon. I cannot wait. I so want to see a friendly face again. I keep hearing that song “Faded” on the radio and I love it so much. Especially the lines: “was it all in my fantasy” and “were you only imaginary”… I thought to myself – was our happiness together only in my fantasy? Was it all just my imagination? Not having a single trace of our time together here (photos, videos etc.) plays with my mind. I only have all of this in my heart. I asked Kasia to send me your photograph here but she refused… I met a guy here called Graham. He is in his late 50s and he is known here for grooming other guys. Basically, he buys lots of food from the canteen and asks guys to come to his cell to have sex with him. Can you imagine? He invited me to his cell before to show me a photo of him on some holidays, but I never walked inside – I just stood in the door. His cell is covered with candies, crisps, coke etc. And it’s so dark – the curtains on his windows were shut. I felt very uncomfortable – I just stood there for 5 minutes then made my excuses and left. He has been weirdly smiling at me since then, but I try to ignore him. There are so many weirdos here C, you wouldn’t believe it. Baby, I’m going to wrap up here. I feel very tired, don’t know why. It’s almost midnight now. I hope I can go back to that beach from my childhood the moment I close my eyes. I don’t want to dream anything else. Just the sea. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  13. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 29 (Eternal Silence of the Sea)

    19.11.2015 Dear C, I was running towards the beach. It was sunny, but I remember seeing dark clouds covering the sky. It was hot, but the wind blew an icy cold air every now and then. The sea was very calm yet I could see some big waves on the horizon. There were a few people around me standing and watching me. I don’t know who they were. Then I suddenly fell and started to float just above the ground. And then I recognized the entrance to the beach – it was the one I used to go on summer holidays with my cousins and my grandmother. We used to spend there up to 3 months every year as kids. The place is called Jantar and it’s at the Baltic sea. Then I woke up. I felt terrified when I realised where I was. Being there, on that beach I felt safe, almost like the pain did not exist at all. And now I had to face another faceless day in prison. People I don’t have anything to do with, people who seem to feel proud of the crimes the committed. I have to face another day trying to convince myself that I will be ok, that it will pass and I will be free again one day. Convince myself that I will not lose my mind here. I observed one thing recently – there is plenty of people here who get a great support from their wives, husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends… I sometimes can hear them say: I love you, I miss you. And they exchange kisses with the ones they speak to. It’s so nice. I even once smiled hearing this. Then I broke into tears when I got back to my cell. Today on TV I saw a video of someone called Alan Walker. The song is called “Faded” and it’s really good. Sad, but so beautiful. I was instantly mesmerized by the lyrics and by the sound. On top of this, the video is also beautifully made, it tells some story. Quite unheard of these days, where the videos show women shaking their tits and asses and guys throw their money around some sport cars. Boring. I will have to check this Alan Walker one day when I’m out. I also saw a video of Diana Wickers “One”. And I smiled. I think it was the first time I smiled here as I was thinking of you and of us. Do you remember how we used to laugh at her saying that she was the queen of pop? First time in 4 months the memory of us together brought a smile upon my tired face. Does it mean that I have started to move on? But then again, if someone offered me to see you right now - but I would have to walk barefoot on a broken glass from here to London – I wouldn’t even think twice. I wouldn’t care about my feet. As long as I could see you and say hello… This morning we were locked up for 3 hours as the ambulance came to collect another body. Someone must have died in the morning. I heard someone say it was another suicide from building 3. Whoever that was I hope he is in a better place than this. It’s very cold here, I will wrap up now as my fingers are numb from cold. My window is opened and I can’t close it as I mentioned to you before. The handle that spins the mechanism is broken. These windows are different to what people have in their houses. I sleep with my winter jacket on tugged in my sweat pants. I look hilarious, but I don’t care. Never felt so cold in my life. Forever Yours, Sebastian
  14. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 28 (We Are All Parisians)

    16.11.2015 Dear C, What a terrifying weekend it’s been! Sad. Just sad. I’m talking about the terrorist attacks in Paris on Friday 13th (what an irony with that day). I am not sure if you were as affected by it as I still am. I mean, what city is next? London? Barcelona? Berlin? *** read the part I wrote today at the bottom of this letter Sometimes I think that maybe it is better that I will have to be deported from here. Living in London would kind of freak me out. I had a short chat with my English tutor today and she said that Singapore is a great city to live. I have been there a few times during my cruise ship days and I remember how clean, wealthy and beautiful that place was. Maybe it is something I could look into it one day in the future. You know baby, a guy in my art classes today said he would gladly pay £100 for the 4 piece of my magic trees! Wow! Someone would actually pay for my work? I’m quite amazed. Or maybe he was just trying to be nice. I am definitely going to order some art materials here. Then I am going to do as many magic trees as possible. What else do I have to do? I wish I could share them with you to know your opinion. God, I miss you so much. How is my bravest solider doing? I don’t have anybody to tell me this really, so I can only guess and hope for the best. I know that if I tried to call you, you wouldn’t probably answer your phone. By now, you might have even changed your number anyway. It is still so unreal to me that you have turned into a guy who is hating me – all from the most loving person I have met. I am not able to hate you, even if I tried. And I have reasons to hate you too. I just can’t. Some guys were making hooch today (a prison version of some kind of alcohol). It is made of some oranges, apples, raisins, sugar and some water I guess. I never tried it and not going to, but some people here had a blast. They went crazy and it resulted in some serious fight between two guys. One of them ended up with broken nose. Not sure if I ever get used to the violence around me. I am scared, but not as much as I used to be. After all, I don’t need to come out alive from this place anymore. You wouldn’t even notice. Last night I had another nightmare. I woke up screaming, I saw the guy who raped me in my cell here. I saw him laughing at me and verbally abusing. My next door neighbour told me that I woke him up in the middle of the night, for what I apologised. I can imagine that my scream must have been quite loud on an empty corridor. What can I do? I can’t help it. I was then scared to go back to sleep thinking I could have the same nightmare again. I didn’t luckily. I spoke a lot to Geoff recently. And another guy Martin. Martin is a young Scottish guy who is on my corridor. He is in a double cell with a guy called John. John is a very quiet man, I can tell he suffers from depression like I do. I hope he will snap out of it soon. Geoff and I share the similar sense of humour, so we even managed to laugh a few times during the afternoon walk around the yard today. He will be also deported back to America and he is dreading it. He will have to go through many checks there and will be sanctions with a lot of restrictions. I feel for him, even though I don’t know him that well. He should be released around a year before me, but he has been inside for almost a year now. You know, as I am writing this to you I just saw the advert of Tesco products and they had a cheese platter. You have no idea how much I would love to eat a bit of cheese. Just a bit. Just a tiny square. You have no idea how does it feel when you are suddenly depraved from the things you normally take for granted. From things like being able to call/text anyone at any time you wish. Or being able to go online. I still have the moments here where I wake up in the morning disbelieving I am inside a prison. It takes me a few seconds to make peace with the fact it’s true. Yet, however, I cannot come to terms with the fact that you have left me. I just can’t. And I don’t know how will I ever do that. Yes, they say time heals and I hope it’s true. Soon, my mum should visit me here with Kasia. It’s gonna be emotional, I have to make sure I will not go into a meltdown of some kind. Lisa should also visit soon. I can’t wait to see them all. Lisa promised me she would be definitely coming before December and before Christmas too. I simply cannot wait. Obviously I can’t wish more for you to visit me here one day, but one can only dream. Babe, I will wrap up here. It’s almost 11pm and my cell is freezing cold – my fingers are becoming numb. I will sleep with my winter jacket on again. My tiny window here is broken and cannot be closed. Please look after yourself. At least you stay warm there and make sure you are following doctors’ orders. Be brave. Everything will be alright one day soon. I love you. Forever Yours, Sebastian *** At the time of writing this letter (16th of November 2015) I had absolutely no idea that in the years to come, the following terrorist attack would happen in the exact cities I mentioned in my letter: London (3rd of June 2017), Barcelona (17th of August 2017), Berlin (19th of December 2016). I only realised that terrifying fact as I was re-typing this particular letter today (after writing my letters I never read them back until now). May all those who died in these terrible events rest in peace.
  15. Sebastian Bauer

    Letter 27 (ARTPOP)

    13.11.2015 Dear C, Happy anniversary of Lady Gaga’s ARTPOP album! Remember how I surprised you with the shiny new CD with additional DVD of her performance on iTunes Festival? And not only that – that was the day we moved in together in Wandsworth. Wasn’t it great? The first day and night in our own place. We turned it something special, didn’t we? I felt like the happiest guy ever, although the prospect of the court case was looming over my head and I was getting more and more withdrawn and scared of everything – mostly of losing you if I told you about it. But I tried my hardest to make every day count for us and to make sure we are living a good life. I had days when I felt numb – especially at nights. Sometimes I just laid there next to you paralysed with fear. As I was watching you sleep, I sometimes cried – that how scared I was. But in the morning I put everything behind me and I put a smile on my face to enjoy a new day with you. Here now I struggle a lot. And I know you don’t care if I’m ok here, I know that. But you see each day is a real struggle. I am balancing between a total breakdown and that little hope that maybe everything will alright one day. And by saying this I still mean that we could be together again one day. I sometimes try to fool myself saying that I don’t care about you, but it’s a lie. You are the only person in this world I care so much. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. Just now – there was some Argos advert on TV – and all I could see was you telling me your daily stories from your work in Argos. I am wondering how is your mother’s attitude towards you now? Does she still think you are evil because you are gay? I know she was coming to see you in the hospital, but I wonder how she really thinks. That what scares me a lot – what if you don’t have anyone there who could truly care for you, when you need it the most. I feel so hopeless because I can’t be there with you. It’s terrible. I wrote a letter to prison’s governor today to allow me but some art materials, so I could paint in my cell. People are allowed to do that. There is a special art catalogue here that you can order from, it’s called Specialist. The prices are so high comparing to what I earn here. My 7 pounds a week can’t even cover half a box of the cheapest watercolour paints. So I asked the governor to allow me use the money that I have on my private account – my mum sent me 50 pound last week. I hope she will let me.I would love to be able to paint in my cell. Evenings are the worst. I just lay down on my bed and cry. And I can’t help it! When will my tears dry for good? Maybe if I painted I would forget a bit about everything... Today David came to my cell with his coffee. He was telling me about his wife – French woman who lives in France. She is coming to visit him next weekend – all 3 days! He is so excited. She is coming all the way from France. And you know what – she is totally blind, so she is travelling with a guide dog. Bless her. I have noticed David is not very popular with other prisoners here. They call him a “grass” or “snitch”. I am pretty sure he reports everything back to the office, but I don’t care. I have nothing to hide. People smoke here for sure and smoke weed too. But it’s not my business. Someone told me today – his name is Adrian, that David apparently killed his other cellmate with a metal chair in another prison years ago and ate his brain… OMG! Can you imagine? And he is my current companion! When I think about it, I can’t even digest that thought. And I kind of believe what Adrian said, after all David has been in prison since 1950 something… It’s mad. It’s so scary too. What if he decides to kill me here one day – for no reason? But on the other hand it would quite alright, as long he does it quick so I don’t have to feel the pain for too long. Then if he wants to eat my brain – go ahead, bon appetite. I don’t care. I suppose I am just too tired to live. If there was only a way to switch my life off for good. Like switching some machine off. Wouldn’t it be great? I had a chat with the nurse from wellbeing clinique and she was worried about me a bit I think. She told me I need to try to find something to keep me going. Hence I am trying to order art stuff. They also have a Weight Loss programme at the gym here. There are 3 sessions a week and you do special exercises to help you lose weight. Maybe I should try that? After all I could lose some weight. I have lost some already, but more is required. Maybe I should do that. At the moment the antidepressants make me feel very sleepy most of the time, can’t even imagine doing any physical exercises. There is a short guy here who jogs every day as long as he can – he is like a robot. His name is Graham. Maybe one day I will try too, but I will never be able to do what he does. C, how much I wish I was free. You have no idea how tired I am of this prison. I wanna feel like a human being again. I love you. Forever Yours, Sebastian

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