Tristan Thinks

I'd love to join the chat but unfortunately GNU/Linux isn't supported. The shame about services like Ventrillo that rely on proprietary software is that there isn't universal support for all devices or operating systems, and open-source programmers don't have the opportunity to add support themselves. The beauty of IRC is it is an Internet standard, openly available to all, that can be (and has been) implemented in clients for all manner of devices and operating systems. Some clients are better than others, but the IRC standard and the ircd (IRC Daemon) server networks were used as the model for all the major proprietary instant messenger chat services like AIM and MSN. The other advantage of IRC is that there are a multitude of distributed networks where you can create a channel (aka room) for special interests. This means it isn't reliant on one server, and can gain users because they discover the channel whilst using others on the same network. I use IRC as the backbone for a members-only chat client/server system on some of my web properties. On top of the basic IRC text chat for low-bandwidth connections is streaming audio and/or video using a flash client (It would be Java if Sun hadn't let their media API support die) and the open-source Flash media server Red5 with some of my own customisations. Done well, this kind of leveraging of existing technologies can allow everyone to enjoy communicating with whatever client they prefer. For those who want to try/use IRC I've registered #gayauthors on dal.net. If you use an IRC client connect to one of the dal.net servers and then /join #gayauthors. You can register your nickname using NickServ: /nick <MyPreferredNickname> /nickserv register <Password> <email@address> You can get help with NickServ (or ChanServ the channel registration server): /nickserv help /nickserv help register /chanserv help

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A wonderfully written article. It's those kind of experiences that I bring up to my friends when they think their lives are so awful. To my mind they should be giving thanks every day for the freedom and acceptance they enjoy, which as many of us know, is something to be fought for and preserved when gained. BK, what kind of reaction is there to that article in India? Is it ignored or does it provoke some kind of debate? What kind of readership does the ToI have - is it more liberal than others? I assume it is published in native languages as well as English. If so, does the article appear in all editions and does it make a difference on how it is received?

Okay, not so much a poll as a chance to 'fess-up about those stupid things you do that are both embarassing and funny, and give you a wry chuckle too I'm always doing things that qualify for this. One occured this evening. I had unpacked my guitar and sat down to play casually, wanting to settle my mind because I was trying to continue writing a story but my brain was too hyper and was flitting all over the place. I strummed the guitar and it sounded oddly flat. I had restrung it last week so I assumed the strings had stretched some and it had gone flat. That said, it sounded way off. I started tightening the 6th string but it didn't seem to be helping so I tried the 5th string - no, no good. I wondered if the strings had somehow slipped out of their groves in the bridge or something but no, they looked okay too. I tried again but no improvement and besides, I was worried I'd snap the strings they were so far out of tune. I put the guitar back in the case whilst I grabbed the electronic tuner and then felt like one total spaz when I realised I'd tucked the plectrums between the strings on the neck!

I find gaydar absolutely fascinating. I would never have believed it if I hadn't experienced it myself. Mine really took off once I'd come out to myself and others and was totally happy in public. From that point on I realised I could pick up almost instantly on the smallest nuances in behaviour, pose, voice, language, looks, dress-sense, glance, reactions and interactions and over time I found my gaydar is both highly accurate and ultra-sensitive. One example I like to give is that of the son of a friend. I was helping her out at her business sorting out some PC stuff one weekday when her then 15-year-old son walked in. I'd never seen him before but the moment I looked at him my heart leapt and my chest was pounding because I realised he was gay - my gaydar was pinging so loudly my ears were ringing! I had to be very careful not to spook him by giving him that look, you know, the "I know you're gay" too-long stare right in the eyes. I had my boyfriend with me that day and as soon as we left I asked him if he'd picked up the same thing. He hadn't. A year or so later this lad's mom came to me for some advice. She knew I was gay of course and had been to a murder-mystery dinner party with her husband that me and my boyfriend hosted. She told me that her son had just come out to her after she'd had to repremand him for staying out overnight one Saturday. They'd argued and he had eventually confessed he'd gone to a gay club and then gone home with some guys. He told her he slept on their couch She didn't know what to do so I spent quite a bit of time talking to her, making her realise that she just had to be there for him, not judge him, accept him and let him work things out without feeling pressured or disapproved of. I told her not to be paranoid over him seeing guys otherwise it'd drive him to do it more just to spite her. His mom must have told him about me, because from then on whenever I was at her office he made a point of turning up and eventually we became friends. He was able to confide in me, ask me questions, ask for advice and know he'd get straightforward non-judgemental answers. For my part I was able to reassure his mom he was doing okay, without revealing anything he told me. When he was 18 I finally told him about that gaydar moment when he was 15. He was amazed because he didn't work out for himself that he was gay until about 6 months later. Generally I love having gaydar. It makes just walking down the street a great adventure, almost like being a member of a secret organisation that only 'special' people know the secret of, and when someone else identifies me on their gaydar, I love that knowing look and fleeting smile that passes between us.

Yeah, that's a given. I'm currently chatting with another close friend, 'T', about GN. 'T' knows GN a little bit but has never been close friends. He just told me that he remembers possibly as much as a year ago deleting GN from his MSN contact list because GN messaged asking for sex and then didn't know who he was talking to. He's going to add GN back and we'll see if anything comes of any conversations they might have.

In the U.K. the use of 'slag' is more common and is sometimes used as an inverted form of appreciation, but yes, in this case he was obviously using it in a demeaning manner. In that sentence I thought the more revealing part was the "...if u must know...". It suggests he's not entirely happy/proud of the circumstances he finds himself in and expects me/others to disapprove. In another part of the conversation where he was talking about how bad the Nottingham gay scene has become I half-jokingly suggested he should come over to Spain. He replied, "I couldn't because all my mates are here" and that made me think they're not that good mates and might be part of the reason he's in his current situation. The conversation as a whole did have a hint of a 'self-destruct' tone to it, although me being hyper-sensitive to it at the moment it is possible I read things into it that aren't there.

Have you tried batteries?

Well, tonight he messaged me and we managed a short conversation. Here's a part of it that on the face of it seems illuminating: The way that "I am" came over made me feel it was very defensive and reactionary.

I find I have issues when I switch from my primary PC, a Vaio laptop, to one of the notebooks with their condensed keyboards and irregular key layouts. I'll be hitting the wrong keys, especially the ones around the margins, using the wrong shift-characters, and my hands will collide in the middle of the keyboard. I use a Bluetooth mouse that can connect to any of the PCs so that in itself isn't an issue. What I do find though is the heels of my hands will brush the glide-pad occasionally and move the cursor, make a selection, or change input focus in the midst of my typing and suddenly I'll have deleted a block or the typing is going into the middle of a previous paragraph or the wrong window entirely.

First time I meet you you're gonna get such a slap I'll have you know I'm renowned for being told people's secrets and never ever passing them on, even if tortured! That doesn't mean to say I don't get some entertainment value out of them though

I love it You know, I'm seriously going to have to invite all the exhibitionists over for a real good party at some point. I can imagine between us all we could create a serious stir

You raise another good possibility - I'm so glad I asked for viewpoints My immediate reaction is to think it's not 'that serious' but then on consideration I know virtually nothing for sure and as I've not seen him in-the-flesh for over a year a lot could have changed. If I could contact his younger brother I'd subtley feel him out on how he thought his brother is doing but as I said I've got no way to contact him now. Not being in the UK makes it much more difficult too - I can't just call round to the house (if his family still live in the same one I visited). I'll try to get my friend to talk to me again next week if he's got over this ignoring-me thing. Overall though, if he chooses to ignore me there's not a lot I can do except let him get on with it and be around when he finally wants to talk to me.

Yes, I do it a lot. Sitting in a tapas bar or coffee shop and just watching people, overhearing snippets of conversation in a queue or on the train, they are all great catalysts for creating vibrant characters.

See? This is what happens when you try to practice snowboarding on the lounge coffee table

Hang on while I grab my pom-poms and get the cheerleaders into line... Go, Kevin, Go. Go Kevin, Go. Tell them once, dump them else.

It does it because in many multimedia applications the Play key is 'Enter'. The multimedia keys simply cause the same keystroke to be generated, so if the web browser has focus when you press the Play key, the key-press is sent to the web-browser. Well-behaved drivers and multimedia applications should deal with it properly, but there are lots of examples of it being done the cheap way like this.

I'm sure I will; I usually do, unless it's me flying the plane. I have a tendancy to see something interesting and just fly towards it without getting clearance from ATC In case we should hit a mountain do you think I should take my snowboard along? It'd sure make getting home quicker than having to trek down

You've got it right there, Kevin. He's been out and happy since he was 13 or 14. His family have always given him positive support and he loves being out in gay pubs and clubs and hanging out with guys. He's 22 this month. I don't think this is about his sexuality. It's more about how he perceives demonstrations of caring and affection are done, which comes back to the theory of abuse in recent relationships. It fits well with the time he's had boyfriends, and as I've said, the relationships I've known about always seemed slightly 'strange' in some way I could never put my finger on. His liking for alcohol was originally to help him get over his acute shyness, but as he got older he seemed to have mostly conquered it. Hopefully at some point later this year I can finally get to the bottom of this. If/when I do I'll be sure to remember to post a finale to this thread

Fear of the buttons not doing what they ought?

I've got the opposite problem this morning! Up at 7.30am despite not going to bed until 2am, and wishing I was back in bed right now. Can't though, getting things sorted out so I can fly back to Spain in a few hours. I'll probably manage a nap on the airplane though.

Remember that when someone makes this kind of judgement about trusting a group of people based on some artifical label rather than the person themselves, it's more about their trust of themselves than it is about others. As in so many other aspects of life, we often make these kind of judgements of others based on what we know about us. I love your style, and turn of phrase - my kind of come-back that is With your permission I'm going to borrow that and use it at some appropriate time Don't think you have to rush it, or decide one way or the other. It took me until I was 26 to even work out the reason I wasn't enjoying things as much as I thought I should when dating women was because I preferred guys, and then it took me another 4 years to actually work through to the fact that, hell yes!, I prefer men and what the hell was I doing wasting all that time with women!? All through that time I never thought I had to 'decide' or 'determine' it, I just lived through a period of fascinating confusion and let it work itself out without pushing it. I was a virgin (with both sexes) until I was 28 I think it was, and I 'lost' it to a guy. He told me afterwards he didn't believe I was a virgin since I'd been so good (you gotta love flattery!) but I told him, I'd been thinking about it for so long I'd had time to work out what to do In my case the delay was simply because the examples of 'homosexuals' I'd seen - mostly from the TV - which back then were outraguous effeminate types, weren't things I could identify with. I knew I was fascinated by guys and had been since as long back as I can remember, but I figured that all guys checked other guys out, and I couldn't be one of those 'homosexuals' if the TV images and innuendo were what 'they' were about. My final confirmation didn't come until I saw the movie Beautiful Thing. That story of two lads falling in love in an apartment block in east London was my final confirmation - I came out the same day.

We don't know that's his attitude in all circumstances. I reported what he said to me in a chat session but I have no idea if that applies to his life generally. He seems to be avoiding me since telling me I'm 'Boring' so I'll leave it a while before I try to get him to talk to me again.

It doesn't have to be a drama - being gay, that is. It's the best thing I ever did, embracing it. I've had so much more fun and adventure as a direct result of knowing and being 'gay' (prefering the same sex). I know my life has been an order of magnitude richer just because of the types of people I've met and become friends with as a result. The way it opened my mind to alternatives has also made other aspects of my life much more rewarding in so many ways. I think you need to divorce the words drama and being gay. Drama occurs whenever you go through significant changes in life, not just sexual awareness. Moving home, changing jobs, family rifts, relationships ending, etc.. It might be more accurate to think the drama is related to the change involved in accepting you're more into guys than women. Once you accept your sexuality preferences and just get on with enjoying them, the drama won't be about your sexuality, it'll be about the other things that change in your life.

James, you make some very good points. I've had to deal with people from this background so I'm pretty familiar with the signs. In this case, fortunately, I'm not seeing any of the typical indicators that would make me even suspect this was the root of this friend's issues. Also, I know his mom - she's almost the same age as me and we went to the same school - and when he and I first met and discovered this surprising fact first time I met her, I think I spent more time catching up with his mom than I spent time with him! Back then he had a really good close relationship with his mom. His father lived elsewhere but they saw each other frequently and as far as I am aware there wasn't an issue there. I think this is closer to the mark, or at least in my mind it seems much more plausible. I had been thinking along these lines but, as I said originally, my thinking is somewhat coloured. Objectively, this makes the best sense so far. It also makes me more worried for him since for him to have got to the point where this is only way he can relate to me after all the no-strings genuine good times we shared means his perspective is pretty messed up. If there's one thing he has come to terms with, it's being gay - he loves it