treefrog

Thank you for responding to my post guys... I've had a while to think it over, and I've taken everyone's advice and comments to heart. I decided to let the situation be for now. For the past three weeks, I've just been watching the memories of my best friend fade. But I doubt this will be the last I see of Nathan. I mailed him his key back like three weeks ago. He has yet to send mine back. I wonder if this is his way of instigating conversation with me again. Who knows. For now, I just need to let my emotions (and my heart) recover. If there is a day when I can simply be friends with Nathan--and not feel attracted to him--I know that he would let me back into his life. I left him truthfully, and he was just sorry that it came to this. He didn't mind that I still had feelings for him. He was just taken back because I felt the need to walk out of his life for it. Seeing that I still have deep feelings for him as I write this, I believe it will be a long time before it would be possible for me to reconnect with him... If I can even stand to do so. I love him so much. Watching him kiss someone else just kills me inside. But once again, if that day ever comes: Nathan always told me if we were ever (for any reason) to go our separate ways, he would always let me back in... I just hope his words can be tested by time, and that we both find happiness in this life--together, or apart.

So the last time I posted on this topic was the end of July. Well, I told Nathan how I felt about him this past summer. We were about to go out to the bars. He ended up telling me that he didn't have the same feelings for me. He said it was ok that I had feelings for him and that we could continue our friendship. Later that night he went home with some guy. I flipped out when he came back the next morning because I thought that was so disrespectful to me. I mean I had just told the guy I loved him like 3 hours before he went home with some dude. We had a rough period for a week at the end of the summer. But we ended up working it out. Fast forward to now... Nathan and I got drunk 2 weekends in a row. He came on to me on both occasions and we ended up having sex. I thought he was doing it because it would mean something to him. But it wasn't. He basically told me it was all because he was horny and needed sex. He did it because he knew that I would "never hurt him." Well, in the past few months he just kept on telling me about all these guys he's trying to get with. It hurts because I'm the one who cares about him the most. And Nathan wants to be with me the least. I couldn't take Nathan playing me just to have comfort sex or whatever. So painfully today... I dropped a note in the mail with his house key in it... And explained that I can't continue being his friend because I keep getting hurt by what's going on. I love Nathan. I always will. I will always remember him fondly. I suppose it won't crush me when I think of him again in time. I regret our friendship ending. I will miss him so much. But I will never regret telling him the truth about how I felt. Thank you all that gave me advice. I just wanted to let you all know what happened.

Yea def... The next two or three week will be telling it think... I'm going to see Nathan for his god-daughters party in two weeks, plus he just asked if I wanted to hang out at a local festival this weekend with some friends... Here we go...

Yea, I definitely fear he'll not feel like wanting a relationship for a while after things probably go wrong with his ex. I'll give it a shot though... I'm just worried I'm gonna lose my best friend (practically my family) over this.

Thanks, I hope the moment comes soon Kevin!

lol you are funny Swordsman! Thanks for the good advice, I'm thinking about moving ASAP as soon as decides his ex isn't the one for him... Or if I see him doubting

Uhmmm... Nathan just asked if I would go to his god-daughter's 1st birthday party. He said that I am "more personable" than his ex. He said otherwise he would bring him. I really want to express my feelings to Nathan soon... But I still feel now is not the right time because I feel like I would only be acting out of fear because he's still messing around with his ex. Would anyone act differently?

Thank you for your thoughts Kevin! And once again, thank you to everyone else too. I keep reading and and re-reading your posts because the advice is straight from the heart :-) Update... Nathan's ex came to visit him yesterday, and then this morning, he called me to tell me about all of the sex they had. I mean, the guy tells me EVERYTHING so it got pretty graphic. It was kind of funny, because the day before I was helping Nathan pick out a mattress for the bed at his new place. Shortly after that, Nathan called his ex and expressed the fact that he would have to come over and "try it out." Nathan's ex told him this morning that he would have cooked him breakfast if he had the food in his place for it. When Nathan called me and told me about this he said that he wanted to tell his ex that he should sneak out in the morning to get stuff... The way that I do (I usually sneak out to get us coffee in the morning when I stay at Nathan's place). But then we both laughed and agreed if he wanted his ex back it was a good thing he didn't ACTUALLY say that. Nathan also told me about yet another friend who said that he should date me. I don't know everyone, lol. Nathan keeps on bringing things like this up, and I want to believe its because he's trying to see if I have those "relationship" thoughts in my head. Or it could be he's trying to put them there. Or it could be he's just talking about simple things that happened to him that day. I had talk with one of my close friends, and he did tell me to take it slow while he's going through this "getting-back-together-with-the-ex" situation. In the mean time, I'm going to try to keep my fantasies under control... And continue to be a good friend to him. I hope I can stand to do "my own thing" until the time is right. Maybe I'll run into something else, who knows. But damn... I am so stuck on this guy. I don't even have the desire to meet other guys at the gay bars, or anywhere right now. My only worry is that if it takes a while for the time to be right, that Nathan will move on with his ex or someone else... And leave me in a place where I'm still stuck on him. Again... Thanks for your comments, it's really giving me confidence to do what I believe I want to do in my heart.

YES, I want to hear what Kevin has to say about this too!! lol :-) Thank you for all your comments everyone. I'm all ears and taking it all to heart. I have more to say, but I'll pot it in a little bit.

Eh, I need some advice guys (ladies, please chime in as well)... I am openly and proudly gay... So is my best friend, Nathan. I am 27, he is 23. I met him about a year ago, and we've hit it off ever since. Now, outright I think Nathan is a very attractive guy. Nathan thinks I am too. In fact, just the other day we actually admitted to each other that we only first started talking to one other a year ago because we both thought each other was attractive. When we first met, it was easy not to fall for nathan. He was getting over his ex-boyfriend, I was getting over a crush that never worked out. We talked a lot about how these boys were pissing us of, upsetting us, blah blah blah. In a sense, we bonded over helping each other get over these boys. I was going through heavy emotions at the time, and he essentially saved me from all that, so I am eternally grateful to him. After our friendship began to grow after a couple months, we swore to each other nothing romantic could ever happen between us because 1) we meant to much to each other to chance losing it to a relationship, 2) we were like "brothers". Well, I was fine with that for about 6 months. But then one day I woke up, and I was finally over that last boy who broke my heart. What Nathan and I started doing in the coming months slowly (and accidently) made my feelings shift towards him. Let's see, what kinds of things am I talking about: 1) Whenever we spend the night at each other's places, we cuddle. We both are aware and joke around that we get hard when we cuddle with each other. 2) We kiss often (on the lips, no tongue)... Whether drunk or sober, doesn't matter. It's usually if we're having fun, saying goo-bye, or when sharing good news to each other. 3) We frequent the gay bars. Before we go out, we'll try to "get riled up" before we leave to go out by messing around with each other. You know, so we'll be more compelled to talk to other boys. Hmmm, this is the worst one. We lick and bite each others nipples and lick all over each other's chests. Licking below the waist has even been okay, as long as the other one has underwear on and its not on the penis. Oh yea, and in general, touching each other right there is another "no no". 4) We came back drunk one night, and out swim suits on and jumped in the shower. We still kept them on, but pulled them off just enough to rim each other. So yeah, I know. We've already blurred the line between friendship and something more than that. but we both continue on in saying we're "brothers". Of course, all of our friends accuse us of being together since we are so buddy-buddy in public. Nathan told me the other day that even if he started to have serious feelings for me he still wouldn't pursue it because he always loses people through relationships, and he never want to lose me. Usually, I am fine with all of this. The only time I really notice the fact that I still like him is when he is with another guy. We'll get all ready to go out and find some boys, and I'll be all excited. But then when I see him make out with some random guy I get jealous. I never show that I get mad or show emotions in these situations because I know he's doing nothing wrong. I acknowledge I only feel this way because I like him. Right now he's getting back with his ex that he has continually wanted for "all time." And it honestly breaks my heart. The guy treats Nathan like crap, and just the other night, I held him while he cried over what the guy was doing. I want him to be happy with whoever he chooses to be with, but I can't help feeling that if he were with me, he'd never have the worries he does now. So I want him, but I don't. I'd die to make love with him, but then I don't want to mess up the great friendship I have with him. He's been there for me through the darkest parts of my life, and if I lost him I'd truly be alone. I want to still think of him as just a friend, but more and more I find myself thinking about him all the time. Any advice out there? Since I'm pretty much confused on what to do, I'm open for any suggestions. Whether it be how to tame my emotions, or how to go about actually pursuing a relationship with this guy. Thanks for reading... treefrog