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hh5

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  1. hh5
    Gosh my mom had me talk with my #2 brother about my NO JOB situation.
     
    I have to say talking with any of my brothers on this subject is like you might as well just take me out to the shooting range and pull the trigger or the other saying "Reopen an old wound and pour salt on it"
     
    Gosh, why is it ever easier to talk with people that's not your family than with.
    I don't expect them to change since my family is not much to hugging nor giving love nor helping out another brother beyond words.
     
    He's not telling me anything that I expect the market to be since the economics isn't that great.
    For Florida, it maybe that I will have to move to where the job is.
    Hey if you heard the tone of my brothers ... "you probably would say are those your brothers?"
     
    you could say I not exactly on the same playing field level with them so I'm always going to get those arrows and daggers in the heart.
     
    What can I say I am not an aggressive person -> I just do the work and get it done
     
    I guess its not easy to be alone for 99% of the time and its hard being GAY.
     
    I'll try not to cry over this because I don't want to even thou my feelings say otherwise.
    But I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving because that's when #3 brother is visiting.
     
    I'm lucky #1 brother doesn't call.
    There definitely plenty of aggravation to receive from siblings.
     
    I have witness other families that are much better than mine.
    (I have witness other families worst than mine as well.)
    I guess I don't get along with them cause we're not so close.
    I might as well be throw out with the trash.
    Less garbage to keep around
     
    Jeepers ... I think there is enough material for a sad story.
  2. hh5

    so Whats up?

    By hh5,

    Well its almost a week after my birthday. I'm 47 now.
     
    There are things going on that got me very concern and nervous (extremely) ... like my first job interview last monday and then my visit to the University of Florida Hospital for my Bilateral NF of sciatic nerve on Tuesday.
     
    First the long driving and the sitting certainly was getting progressively painful. But the real pain of the matter is the stress of being unemployed, the NF creating pain that affects what you think or do or feel or know.
     
    Monday
     
    The company looked a bit semi-professional as the dress code was a little lower than I expected and the sound of the professionalism of the receptionist was a bit shocking. The interview was more or less question and answer back and forth which is good because I am happy that there was no tests stuff. But of course my NF was starting to hurt and thats when I think my composure was starting to fail towards the end of the interview. But any way the interviewer (also the person I be getting his responsiblities of the job) wasn't very good in terms of keeping in contact. Like he's said he would email confirmation and address - He didn't. He said in front of his boss that he sent it on sunday? I responded I didn't receieve and thats why I called to confirm appointment and I already knew the address because of their email address then find their website and got the company name and address. They said they would call back in a day or two of the decision. They didn't so I called and left a message.
     
    2HR Drive back and forth plus an hour interview does wonders for NF
     
     
    Tuesday
    NF is Neurofibromatosis. Thats a benign cancer of the nerves that grows slowly but causes a lot of pain as it grows.
     
    Well there was preparation like getting all your info ready like biopsy report, old scans, new scans and filling out the MR paperwork like its a waste of time answering the questions.
     
    Then the trip its over 3 hours back and forth plus few hours of processings. Like checking in, x-ray, weight in, history, MRI (didn't expect that), eat cheaply, meet with the doctor with his findings.
     
    Well I said what I know and he aggreed with the latter of what I said. The NF was wrapped around the nerve so that means its a difficult operation because you could risk losing mobility. You won't know unless you do detailed scans. But the other reason is that its not growing abnormally. Its slow growing but it has affected my life substantially in the last 20 years.
     
    I ask if there is a way to manage the pain. so he put me on a pain med.
     
    When I got home the next day I check out this pain med and filled the prescription and ask the pharmacist a load of questions.
    Its three times daily at 1 to 3 pills depending when the pain is worst. If this is the med that works for me then I have to wear a medical braclet stating I am taking this drug. Also I have to get to understand the drug as its affects are a bit of getting use to much like behavioral meds. That means you get on it and if want off the drug - you follow the getting off it. Its more than poping the pill in your mouth or stop taking it.
     
    Mama is worried for the last 8 months and its been hard. Her language is very abrupt and its takes a bit of figuring where she's coming at. You know thats the kind of language that got me into issues and thats not been a very good roll model for my language skills. Then my dad was another one. So what I'm a by product of how they raise me and if they expected different - their wrong because I'm not a strong person. That's been beaten out of me because of the abusive years. Mama is bit concern about my NF. She was surprise of no operation and the idea of pain meds.
     
    I do hate my situation in life. I do regret it too. I've screwed it up by helping others with money and that they took advantage. The big issue for me - I did say no to them but they kept on bothering me. I wish I was a strong person. (physical showing) Then what I say would have carried more meaning.
     
    I hope one day - I find work - I have to work - to pay for health insurance, pain meds, cost of life.
     
    I have no idea of the future - but it surely very technical racism meaning you're not that qualification so you're not qualified.
    Our world has capitalistic qualifications for every position - so - it makes it very hard to find a simple job.
     
    I bet in europe thats different - maybe they do make sure you could qualify for a simple job to a professional job.
    But in the USA its all difficult.
     
    I'm on the pain meds. It has gotten me dizzy a bit but you have to get past the initial effects of the dosage and it courses through your veins into your nerves to work on the pain receptors. Mama been a bit angry\concern but I explain thats it takes time to get use to the drug. She makes it very hard to be explain to. But makes it very hard for me to communicate to. I have to try hard but it comes out making her mad.
     
    Wells thats a bit of whats going on ... I still not quiet sure what God plan is but I am certainly clueless to getting on with life in terms of a job and making a future.
     
    P.S. My internet bf - he sure is learning the hard way of how much I vested into him in terms of college and his job switch. His mama straigten him out about a recent issue. Good for me because he's was quiet difficult with me. So now its up to him to learn to take care of himself and then start if any take care of me or his parents for all what we done for him. Sounds like a long term investment. But in the short term - its not exactly helping my situation.
     
    Oh well - what a weird life.
  3. hh5

    Opps

    By hh5,

    I was talking with my sister in-law. We both seem to connect because we're the same age. I think of her as a sister I never had. She into documentary film making and I always had an interest in movies but never did what she did with the topic.
     
    We were talking a bit and I showed her my earlier stories. She liked them. She mostly like the one that covered family history which was a pivotal prior to my birth years before.
     
    As she read some of the other stories ... I think she picked up and deduced that "I am Gay"
     
    She made an off comment \ joke that was not even homophobic but encouraging.
     
    I am happy that I don't have to worry with her about my sexuality.
     
    I think during her stay ... She notices that I am still in the closet with my family.
    So I presume she won't let the cat out of the bag.
     
    But even if she did - I wouldn't blame her.
    But I know she would not inform anyone like right this minute.
     
    So I don't have to face anything as of yet.
     
    She commented about my writings and it confirms David McLeod findings.
    I am happy thats its fine.
     
    I will still work at my writings over time.
    I will still invite the inspiration of a story to mature.
     
    But I am glad in some indirect way - I am out to someone in my family and it didn't hurt our relationship.
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