Derailed - 12. The Epitaphs

Chapter 11

“Try again!” I heard Magashi's voice coming from behind me. He would never admit it, but I could tell he was beginning to lose patience with me. We had been here for two hours already, but still with no results. And I was seriously beginning to feel that it was pointless to continue. I didn’t know what he was expecting from me. It’s not like I wasn’t trying. “Again!” he shouted from across the room. And I figured maybe if I give him a little longer he'll call it a day.

I out stretched my arm and once again, I focused every bit of my attention on the small rock on the table a few feet in front of me. I was becoming desperate at this point and even began to drag out memories of my mom that I now knew to be a lie. Somehow, they didn’t seem to give me the power they once did, nothing did anymore. Even the thought of Seth did nothing for me. It had been two months since his death. Two months since I had regained memories that were stolen from me, two months since I had last been able to use my power.

After I awoke from Mark’s drug-induced sleep, I had completely lost it and took out a chunk of the station. Our dining area now had a crater the size of a truck in it and I had taken an entire train car out, which Bruiser had dragged over to an older set of rails for Adrian to try to repair, but so far he doesn’t have much hope for it.

After that one last display, for some reason or another my power had either shut off or disappeared completely either way, no matter how much I focused, no matter how much I tried or how much emotion I tried to drag out of me, the stone wasn’t budging.

“This is pointless. It’s not going to work,” I said, now getting annoyed myself. “You’ve had me down here every day for a month now and nothing. It’s not working. It’s just... gone.” I knew it would do no good trying to explain this to him ‘cause every time I did he gave me the same argument. I saw him walk over by my side as he held out his hand toward the small gray stone. A moment later it slowly rose off the table and began turning slowly in the air before finally dropping back onto the table.

“Are you satisfied now? I've once again proven to you that your power is indeed still here, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to use it.” Every day he gave this same answer and everyday it did no good. I was tired of this and I didn’t feel much like putting up with him today.

“Fine! Then since you’re so certain I still have my power, why don’t you explain to me why I can’t move the goddamn thing.” I think now he could begin to see the frustration I was feeling as well. He walked over to the small teak table he kept set up and knelt at it and closed his eyes. I stood there, just letting my anger grow as once again, he seemed to just be ignoring me. After a few moments I turned and began making my way out of the tunnel. I could tell he had no answers for me. I got three steps before I hard his voice once again

“Cameron, you still haven’t moved the stone now try again!” That was it. At this point I had taken all of this old man’s bickering I could stand. I walked over to the table and grabbed the stone in my hand. I looked at it, turning it over in my palm. It seemed rather ordinary, just a plain and simple stone, just like millions of others in the world, but it was this one... this particular one... that mocked me and reminded me every day of what I was unable to do... of what I had lost. My power was gone and I could do nothing about it. And it scared me beyond anything I had ever felt before. I think so many of us come to hide behind out abilities. I know I had, but now, with it gone for the first time in my life, I felt truly helpless.

I continued to stare down at my small gray tormentor and I swear, a part of me could hear it laughing at me every time I tried to budge it. Finally I couldn’t stand it anymore and with all my strength I hurled it into the darkness of the tunnel. It disappeared and landed several yards away with a loud THUD! I turned around to see Magashi still kneeling at the table his arms in his lap with his eyes still closed. “There! Satisfied now? I moved it!” and with those words I turned to once again leave the tunnel. I got two steps past him when he spoke up again.

“Cameron, when you think about your mother and Seth how do you feel?” The mentioning of them was like a sting so sharp that I almost flinched at his words. I stood there for a second, not moving.

“What the hell kind of a question is that?” I paused for a moment expecting an answer, but he remained silent. “How the hell do you think it makes me feel?”

“I’m not sure,” he said, finally turning to look at me, his grayish blue eyes meeting mine. “I’m not sure how it makes you feel... I’m not sure if you know how it makes you feel anymore. You’ve seen so much pain and loss, I think maybe it just isn’t affecting you like it use to. You’re becoming colder. I can sense it in you. The same emotion isn’t there anymore and without it your power has nothing to drive it.”

I looked away from him, letting his words sink in. Was what he’s saying true? Had I become colder? It’s true that memories of Seth didn’t bring tears to my eyes. I had stopped crying weeks ago; now it just brought a dull aching pain that wouldn’t seem to go away. More than anything, I just felt drained emotionally. “Maybe I just got tired of crying,” I said and with that I left and headed back toward the station.

I got to the entrance to see Jeremiah and Bruiser playing around the broken trains. They were running in and out of cars playing what appeared to be tag. Mark had made a new reinforced pair of sunglasses for Jeremiah and he had since taken advantage of them and now would follow and cling to people as much as possible. He had told me that before he would avoid everyone as much as possible so he didn’t run the risk of hurting them. I watched as Bruiser climbed up onto the roof of the train using his abnormal strength to easily pull himself up, he went and crouched by the door and perched himself like a cat waiting for the mouse to come out of its hole. He remained there, silent for a few moments, not making any sound, barely breathing, anxiously awaiting the perfect moment to pounce his prey. After a few moments Jeremiah came to the realization that his companion was no longer in the train with him and so he made the fatal mistake of sticking his head out the door. And with a swift movement, Bruiser stuck his hand down grabbing the now confused Jeremiah and shouting as loud as possible, the end result being Jeremiah jumping clear out of his skin.

Seeing this exchange managed to bring a slight smile to my lips, something that I hadn’t felt like doing for these last two months, but as soon as I realized that I was smiling ,I felt a surge of guilt run through me. How could I possible allow myself to be happy? I shouldn’t be allowed to be happy, not after what I had done. It was my fault. It was my plan that got him killed. If I hadn’t taken out the helicopter, the explosions would have never dropped Hanna’s shield and the bullet that killed him would have never met its target. And he would be standing here with me right now. I now stood there allowing myself to think about him and the more I did, the sadder and guiltier I felt. I felt the tears beginning to well up in the corner of my eyes, when a voice broke through the sadness.

“I remember when we use to play like that? Seems like forever ago, doesn’t it?” My heart skipped at least three beats and my blood turned to ice. I snapped my head around in the direction of the voice, but I was still standing there alone. I could feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I know what I heard, but at the same time, I knew how impossible it was. No matter how much I wanted it to be true it wasn’t.

“God dammit! That’s the last time I’m telling you two, get off of there before you fall and break something! I swear I’m not fixing you if you do, you’ll just have to suffer through it” I looked back over, away from my illusion, to see Andrea yelling at Bruiser. A split second later he was clambering down as fast as his arms and legs allowed him. He reminded me of a cat who had just been caught with its paw in the birdcage. She garbed him by the shoulders almost flagrantly, “DO YOU REALIZE HOW EASILY YOU COULD HAVE BEEN HURT?” Bruiser’s eyes grew wide as a look of fear and bewilderment came across his face. He had never seen Andrea like this, not even when she was trying to keep us safe.

“I... I'm sorry, Andrea, it’s just I’ve been up there tons of times before and I’ve never gotten hurt before.” Andrea looked down at bruiser as tears began to flow from his eyes. A few feet behind him I could see Jeremiah with his mouth hanging slightly open at Andrea’s reaction.

We had been walking on egg shells around her. After she found out what had happened to Seth, she had become an emotional wreck. The slightest thing would send her into hysterics and it would take hours to calm her down.

She pulled him close and wrapper her arms around him. I could hear sobs once again coming from her as she held him there for a few moments, not letting him go. “I’m sorry, Bruiser, it’s just I can’t stand the thought of something else happening to another...” But before she allowed the words to escape her mouth, she turned and headed away. I got only a gimps of her face, but I could see her eyes. She had been crying a lot today. She rushed past me without saying anything.

“She’s been crying a lot lately.” I turned back to see Bruiser, who had finally noticed my presence. “I didn’t mean to upset her.” I saw as he pulled his shirt sleeve down over his hand and wiped away the tears that had begun to run down his cheek. He just stared on as Andrea disappeared around the corner.

“It’s not your fault. Everyone’s been kinda torn up lately. Especially Andrea. She worries about us so much” I looked back down to see fresh tears forming in his eyes. Bruiser had been down here since he was a little over 3. His mother died shortly after arriving here and he didn’t have any family that we knew of to take him, so Andrea had taken it upon herself to care for him. She was the closest thing he had to a mother and I knew it hurt him to see her like this.

“Hey, why don’t I play with you and Jeremiah for a bit?” I asked, attempting to pull his attention away from Andrea. I walked over towards the train to join Jeremiah, who had headed back inside. But before I got to the door I heard Bruiser’s small voice speak up again.

“You still miss him to don’t you? You don’t cry anymore, but I know you still miss him.” I turned back to see him, his eyes meeting mine, and I knew lying to him would be useless, no matter how much I wanted to comfort him.

“Yeah I do, every day I miss him. I don’t think you ever stop missing someone. You just learn to not let it affect you as much.”

“I HATE SEEING HER LIKE THIS! I HATE SEEING YOU LIKE THIS!” He now had a full stream of tears running down his face. He walked up closer and stared even further into my eyes. “Someday I’m gonna be bigger and even stronger and when I am, I’m gonna stop this. I’m gonna make sure nothing like this happens again.”

“Bruiser, listen to me,” I said, putting my hands on his shoulder, “You can’t stop all the bad things in the world from happening. No matter how strong you are, no one can, they just happen.” He pulled out of my grasp and looked back at me once again using his sleeves to wipe his face.

“That doesn’t mean I can’t try.” I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else. I figured it was better to let him continue to dream. I turned and headed into the train.

Inside I saw Jeremiah sitting in a seat starring down concentrating on something. I went and sat next to him. He had a bright red marker in hand and was writing something on the back of the seat. He was using his free hand to cover it, as if what he was writing was some top secret message.

“I wouldn’t let Adrian see that, he kinda gets crazy about these trains.” He looked up from his work to meet my gaze and got a slight grin on his face.

“After what you did to this one I don’t think a little bit of writing is gonna be his biggest concern.” I thought about it for a moment and decided that he was right. After a few moments he moved his hand and I saw what he had written. In bright bold red letters the words Jeremiah Was Here were displayed. After a moment of silently admiring his work he finally spoke up. “My mom told me that people leave their names on things so others will remember them when they’re gone and if they get remembered, then they’re never really gone at all. Maybe years from now people will find this train and remember that I was here” I sat there letting the words sink in, when finally without saying anything he got up and left... leaving the marker behind.

I looked up and saw the speaker I had gutted with the assassin’s blade Seth had given me. Realizing what train car this was sent chills down my spine... like a ghost had just passed through me. I looked over to see the seat that Seth and I had shared. As I looked, it was like I could almost feel his presence still sitting there. Slowly I brought myself to walk over and sit next to him, the red marker now in my hand. Jeremiah's words still fresh on my mind. Could a name on a train seat be enough for someone to be remembered?

And with that thought I wrote out my name so that people might remember me as well. And then, without out even realizing what I was doing, I wrote out the name Seth and right below it I put 2048-2062. Seeing his name written out seemed to bring a new pain as I ran my hand over his name. People in our position don’t get grave sites. Most of us don’t even get buried. Was this the best I could do for him, graffiti on a train seat? And yet as much as I wanted to do more for him, I knew this was a lot more than most of us got.

“Who's that?” The words almost made me jump completely out of my skin as I turned to see a girl in the seat behind me. She looked to be about my age with pale blonde, almost bone white, straight hair and intensely dark blue eyes. I had no idea where she had come from. I was certain that when I got on the car that she wasn’t there, yet here she was right in front of me. Finally after a few seconds of me trying to stop my heart from pounding, she spoke up again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like that, it’s just I can’t help it sometimes. I was just sitting here watching the two boys play when I saw you come in.” And as she was speaking, I saw her vanish completely. “I didn’t scare you too bad did I? I didn’t mean to spy on you.”

“I... It's fine; you just surprised me is all,” I said with my heart rate returning to normal. She instantly became visible again. Only now she was standing right next to me which only gave me another slight jump.

“I'm Sarah. I came in with the other refugees.” She walked over and sat down where I had been. She was now looking over the two names I had written with the marker.

“I didn’t see you with the others when we picked everyone up.” But before I finished the sentence she was gone again... out of sight.

“I know you didn’t. I was hiding. It’s kinda my specialty. In fact, you’re the first person I think I’ve let see me since I got here. I usually don’t ever make myself visible to others; it’s kind of a habit I suppose.” She again reappeared a few feet from where I was standing. I... I think I have to work harder at being visible than I do being invisible,” she kinda laughed to herself at this fact.

“Don't you ever get tired of hiding?” I asked, trying to keep an eye on her in case she decided to try to sneak up on me again.

“Not really, I mean it’s gotten me this far. It just sorta feels natural to me. I just sorta feel naked otherwise. So who's Seth? Is he a friend of yours or something?”

“Was... He was a friend of mine, my best friend. But he’s gone now. He was killed.” I looked and Sarah once again was out of sight. I turned around to see her again a few inches from me and my heart gave another slight jump.

“Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean he’s any less your friend. It’s just a slightly longer distance relationship now.” Before I could say anything else, I heard the doors to the car open and Adrian poked his head through.

“Hey, where the hell ya been? I’ve been looking all over for ya. Mark said he wants to talk to ya as soon as you gotta moment.”

“Sure, I’ll be there in a minute, hey I gotta... go.” I turned to say goodbye to Sarah, but she was gone again. Part of me wondered if I’d ever get the chance to see her again.

“Ummmmmm, who you talkin to?” I heard Adrian say over my shoulder, while he looked to make sure he hadn’t missed anyone.

“No one, let’s go” and before he could say anything else or ask another question, I left.

Mark’s lab hadn’t changed much since I had last been in there, except for some of the windows I had shattered now had large pieces of plywood nailed up over them. Pinned up on them were pieces computer paper and newspaper clippings. A larger table now sat covering up the crater. Other than that it still had some of the same computers that had been there before, except for the few I had blown up... which now sat dissected in a corner. Mark had salvaged what parts he could from them. On another small table I saw the emotion inducer Mark had used on me before. It had since collected a thin layer of dust. I don’t think he had dared to touch it since then. I ran my hand along it, leaving a trail where the dust had been wiped away.

“I wouldn’t touch that; it didn’t turn out so well last time. Remember?” He was running his hands along his computer’s keyboard and as he did, I could see words forming in rapid motion too fast to read. “I’m just finishing something up.”

I sat down on a stool next to him watching him work. He seemed so focused on what he was doing. More and more words flashed up on the screen. Until abruptly they stopped and in large letters I read the words PROJECT RAGNAROK and under it the words STAUS: FALSE.

“What’s that?” I asked. As he got up from his computer he took his glasses off and began rubbing the bridge of his nose. He replaced his glasses and looked at me and gave a half smile.

“Nothing new, just old conspiracy theories about man dabbling in what he shouldn’t. I thought there might actually be some truth to it but turns out it’s just a bunch of paranoid weirdos’ ramblings. I wanted to ask you, have you made any progress towards restoring you power?”

“Nope, I’m still useless in that category.” For the first time since I’d known him, Mark looked me full on in the eyes. He looked like he was searching mine, but for what I couldn’t tell.

“You’re not useless, Cameron, and don’t let anyone make you feel that way.” He turned away and began walking towards a cabinet at the far end of the wall. “You mean a lot more to us than you know.” He opened the cabinet up and began rummaging around until he finally returned with a small wooden box. “Can you answer a question for me? Why did you stay behind after your mother disappeared?”

“I wanted to find her, but that was when I still thought she was alive.” I had only told them parts of the dream I had. I still couldn’t be a hundred percent sure if what I had dreamt was real or just my imagination. I told them that I thought my mother was dead and about the argument she and Corbin had, but he couldn’t remember anything about an argument that night. All he remembered was her coming home unexpectedly and saying she had to leave. And somehow I knew he was telling the truth. I had decided not to tell them that it might have been one of our own who killed her, because that’s the one part I couldn’t allow myself to believe, I wouldn’t allow myself to believe it. All I know is that my mother knew something bad was coming and part of me knew I had to do whatever it takes to find out what.

“What about now that you feel she’s dead, why do you remain here?” I began to see where this was going and I wasn’t in the mood for it.

“Look, if you’re trying to get rid of me by convincing me to leave with the other refugees then you can forget it. Like it or not, I’m not going anywhere.” I got up from my seat and stormed past him towards the doorway, but was stopped before I could get there. I felt Mark’s hand grip my shoulder.

“I don’t want you to go anywhere. I want to show you something.” He pulled me back over to the table where he had placed the small box. He opened it up; inside was a small pile of photographs of different places and people. He dug through a little bit before grabbing one and reclosing the box.
He handed the photo to me. In the photo I could see what was obviously a much younger Mark and beside him sat a girl who looked about the same age she had the same blonde hair and deep piercing blue eyes as Mark. That’s my sister Madison we were twins. She was 18 minutes older than I am. When my family was caught, they took her with my mom and my dad. I was the only one who managed to escape. It wasn’t long after that when the collectors found me and brought me here. I asked to stay behind, hoping that one day I’d be able to find a way to find them. That's why when your mother went missing I knew exactly why you agreed to stay behind... the same reason I did. I don’t need my research to tell me that we all have our powers for a reason and that we all have a reason for doing what we do. So the question is, now that you think you mother is dead and you have no one left to look for, why are you here? What do you still fight for?”

The question hung heavy in my mind. I hadn’t thought of it before. In the end he was right, I had no reason to fight, I had no reason to stay behind, no reason for my powers. “I... I don’t know,” I finally answered, more to myself than to Mark.

“Well maybe instead of trying to figure out why you lost them you should first figure out why you need them back.” I handed him the photo back and went to leave his lab when once again he stopped me. “Here, I think this might have meant more to you than it does to me. He never did remain still long enough for anyone to get a decent photo. He handed me another picture; it was slightly blurred, but I could definitely make out his face, smiling as always. Seeing it brought more pain, but also a slight joy.

“Thanks. This means a lot, Mark.” I turned and headed down to the main platform. It wasn’t until I looked up from the picture that I noticed that large group of people gathered around the old car I had blasted.

“Where have you been?” I looked over to see Andrea pushing her way through the mob to get to me.

“What’s going on?” I asked, as she finally emerged from the crowd, her glasses had been knocked crooked on her face and her hair look completely messed up. The sight of her brought a slight chuckle from me.

“It would seem you’ve started something.” She grabbed my hand and began pulling me back through the mosh pit.

“What are you talking about?” But I got no answer as she continued to pull me up to the front, but finally it made sense. There it was, the train car from earlier, now covered with hundreds of names and more and more of the refugees coming to add more. All of the names had dates under them and some had small messages, some of them said “Beloved Mother” or “Brother”. Some just said “Loved” and it took a few moments for me to realize what they were writing. On the seats, windows and walls of the car were the Epitaphs of all of those who had died or been captured. When we die, we’re not given grave plots and tombstones for those we leave behind, so instead, we resorted to writing the names on a broken subway car... but somehow, it was enough.

I walked inside to see even more names filling it. There must have been close to a thousand of them covering the walls. All of those named had left people behind and all of them had felt the same way I did. And I felt it creep up inside of me; seeing all the names made me realize just how much sadness was caused by our position. And Bruiser’s words from earlier came back to me. “Someday I’m gonna make sure this doesn’t happen anymore.” And as ridiculous as that was, he was right. Even if we can’t stop all of the pain, we can try. And what Mark said made sense to me now... I needed a reason to fight. I sat down once again in the seat where Seth’s name was written. I ran my hand over it and a few of the other names that now were next to his. I looked on the floor and there was the red Marker that had been left there earlier. I stuck my hand out and began to remember the names and all the people that had to feel the same pain I had I remembered... Andrea and Bruiser crying, Mark and his sister. I remembered Adrian and Corbin... and Seth, who I had failed to protect. I swore to myself silently I would never let that happen again. And I thought only one word to myself. “Them” They’ll be my reason to fight. I’ll take up Bruiser’s ridiculous crusade and, who knows, maybe we’ll succeed. After a few moments, I looked down at the Marker still on the floor, but as I moved my hand the Marker turned and finally gave a slight movement. I felt a surge of triumph run through me. I knew it was going to take a lot to get my powers back...

But now I had a reason.