The Breach - 1. Story

I used to think I was alone. I even thought I wanted it that way. In a sea of people at one of my sister's parties I held myself apart; not willing to risk the contact with the skin of a stranger. I would nod politely with my arms wrapped across my chest to protect me, to keep from flying apart and losing the little breath I could draw in as I tried not to panic.

At least until one party when a large body stepped up behind me and sneakily made its way between me and the wall to one side. One arm was casually draped over my shoulders.

I jerked away and turned to face the groper. "What do you think you are doing?" I hissed at the man.

"You looked cold," he said. "I thought a little body warmth might make you more comfortable. And I wanted to introduce myself."

I stared at him in confusion. "By hugging a stranger? Besides, how can you think I'm cold, it has to be eighty degrees in here."

He smiled gently at me. "I wasn't talking about the temperature."

Spluttering, I kept glaring at him. One more of the 'Shana's frigid brother' pity club, no doubt. He had to be.

"I'm not cold," I muttered, "so go away."

"No."

That single word came out of his mouth with such casualness, as if the fact that I wanted him gone didn't matter flat pissed me off. My arms fell to my sides and I managed one deep breath to tell him off. The way he immediately pushed off from the wall, seemingly eager for me to yell at him as he crowded me creeped me out and I paused.

I fixed a look of supreme contempt on my face as my lips settled into a harsh white line. I flipped him off, my arms already wrapped back around my body. I wasn't cold, not on the outside at least.

Well if he wouldn't leave, I could. I turned and walked away. What did that idiot think he knew?

Nothing. He knew nothing.

    *

The porch had many dark recesses to hide in. I'd walked around just long enough for Shana to see me so she would stay off my case about being antisocial and then found a spot where I would be left alone. Well, not completely, I'd already startled two amorous couples who tried to use the corner of the railing I was sitting on to swallow each other's faces. I shuddered.

"There you are."

It was him again! "Why are you following me?" I growled at him.

He grinned. "That's cute."

My hands clenched into fists. Dare I ask? "What is cute?"

"You, all growly. My name's Talbot."

I sighed, "Okay Talbot, what bet are you trying to win?" My eyes narrowed at him when he frowned, "Or did my sister put you up to this? What did she tell you to convince you to hit on her poor little insecure brother?" I hopped off the railing and stood face to well... chest with him. Jeez he was bigger than I thought. I had been hoping he'd take a few steps back but he didn't move.

"Are you?"

My mouth was already open to tell him off, no matter what he said but the question was too vague for me to throw back in his face with a snarky comeback.

"Am I what?"

"Insecure." His head cocked and he raised an eyebrow.

What? "Of course not!"

"I see. Well, that's good then. Here." He shoved a cup in my direction.

Did he really think I was that stupid? I didn't reach for the cup, staring at it with wide eyes. "What is that? Are you trying to drug me? Are you one of Jason's cronies?" My voice was strangled; my throat felt like it was swelling shut with fear. I had to get out of here before it happened again. I...

"Who? No. It's just a soda. I saw you come outside and it's hot, so I figured you would be thirsty. What's the matter with you?"

"Like you don't know," I whispered. I bet Jason set this up. People had been ignoring me for months now; I had slowly been able to get back to normal. But this... it was almost exactly the same. A crowded party, a hot guy just my type walking up to talk to me and the two of us going to talk in a quiet out of the way place and then the drink. Just a rum and coke, really light on the rum since I'm a small guy. Well, that's all it was supposed to be but instead he slipped a little something extra in it.

Jason was charged with rape, which usually was hard to prove, especially when it came to someone as obviously gay as I was but my sister was determined that I had to stand up to him. It was humiliating giving testimony when the defense ripped me apart and tried to turn me into a promiscuous stereotype and I had to admit to being a virgin. I was so scared as I looked up when they made me point him out that I puked right there on the stand.

The judge let me have a recess and it was just long enough for my new anti-anxiety pills to kick in. I should have taken one before but I thought I could do it. I thought I could face the man who tortured and raped me with my anger as my shield. It was the only emotion I had let myself feel for the months we waited for the trial to move forward. Instead, fear ruled me.

When he was sentenced to prison and the public gradually forgot what happened to me, my sister began to urge me to get my life back, hell, any kind of life. I was still living with her and she began hosting parties again, her wide circle of friends and the neighbors often getting together to watch movies, play poker or just hang out, drinking, dancing and having fun. She wouldn't let me hide in my room and since my therapist agreed with her I did my best to do as she asked, or at least seem to on the outside.

On the inside I shrank away. I avoided touching and talking to other people. My job was home based editing for a publisher so I could go days without interacting with anyone other than Shana most of the time. It was cold though, the feeling of loneliness that filled me. It battled with the fear Jason made me feel and I was stuck in the middle. Too afraid to rejoin life and too lonely to become a complete recluse I existed on the fringes. I could see the things I wanted; the ability to have a social life, friends and a partner who would make life worth the risk of waking up each day represented. I'd given up hope of ever getting that though.

"Hey..." a soft voice said, "It's okay. You don't have to drink it. Breathe... Calm down now, take a breath, your lips are turning blue."

His words penetrated the cold haze that surrounded me and I trembled. My arms squeezed around my chest, trying to keep me from flying apart. Not again, I couldn't have a panic attack in front of this strange guy. I finally managed to suck in a small breath. Shaky, broken, my breath returned slowly. I expected the guy to have taken off while I tried to get it together but inexplicably, he was still there when I opened my eyes.

"Why are you here?"

"Here, as in this house, here? I moved in next door last week and was invited to a neighborhood get together so I decided to come. Here, with you? I just... I wanted to talk to you and you walked away from me earlier. I just thought... he looks like he could use a friend." Talbot sighed, "I could use a friend too."

A friend? Tall, hot and able to talk to people needed a friend? Right. I had wavered for a minute there, thinking someone saw me, saw past the act that had even fooled Shana but that was a line if ever I heard one. Maybe he was new here, maybe this wasn't some sort of set up but I wasn't going to buy his act of wanting a friend. I studied his too earnest face but the gleam in his eyes looked a lot like lust. Yeah, it had to be an act.

"Whatever. I don't want to be your friend. Get out of my way and leave me alone or I'll start screaming." I forced myself to look into his eyes, letting him see that my threat was real.

He looked back at me steadily. "Maybe you'll change your mind."

"Not likely. Now move!"

I hid my sigh of relief when he did and fled. I went all the way to my room, shutting and locking the door. I collapsed against it for a second in relief and then trudged over to my bed. The air conditioner was going full blast in my room so I wrapped my quilt around me and curled up in my chair by the window. I could see down into the back porch from this angle and I often watched the party goers in the backyard once I managed to sneak away.

I didn't expect to see him still there though. I watched Talbot where he sat in the place I had left empty. He was curled over, his chin in his hands. I had become something of a people watcher since my attack and I got pretty good at interpreting mood by posture and movements. His body language was... strange. He seemed dejected. People moved around him, much like they did me. A few glances, maybe a tentative hi but no one approached him. I thought about the puzzle of that as my eyes slowly drifted shut, the stress of the evening had taken its toll and I fell into a deep sleep.

    *

I watched him. I still wasn't reaching out from my self-imposed isolation but for some reason I couldn't stop. He'd wave whenever he saw me in the window and I'd jerk back. I couldn't reach out, I trembled at the thought but it was there. I didn't believe that my isolation was what I wanted anymore, even as I clung to the safety of it.

Shana and I had fought when I asked her if it was a set up. She told me I had to start living again and I accused her of having no idea what I felt. When I started slamming my fist on my leg she stopped me. The fear on her face and her hands on mine made me stop, the roaring in my head dying down. It was all 'let's talk about your feelings' time after that. I guess she hadn't bought my act during her parties.

I had never let fear get to me before. Being a not so large guy with a so called 'baby face' made a lot of people think they could take advantage of me. I had always used that to my advantage, not theirs. Shana said I look so innocent no one expected it when I ripped them to pieces. Most never even saw it coming. My friends had often laughed when they saw some poor fool skewered by my sharp tongue.

But Talbot was different. I was vulnerable in a way I had never been before and I didn't want to reach out to anyone. I wanted to stay safe and a guy no one knew would be the worst person imaginable to start talking with. I knew that, I struggled to stay away from him but as summer progressed it became more and more difficult.

I was out in the garden tending the veggies I was growing in a series of raised planters when he came to the short fence that separated our yards. He had done that every day, mostly just to say hi but sometimes he tried a few short polite conversation starters.

I was watering the tomatoes when he stopped a few feet from me.

"Hi."

I glanced over at him, looking down quickly. "Hi."

"Your garden look like it's really taken off. Do you always grow vegetables?"

"Yes. Not here though. I had a garden on the roof of my apartment that was even bigger. Part of a co-op thing. Shana had a yard full of weeds so I got her to agree to the garden by saying I'd clean it all up. I planned out the shrubs and pathway." I turned the hose onto my squash plants, watching the drops rain down on the leaves and squash before hitting the dry ground where it soaked in quickly. The garden was a safe topic. I could talk about that.

It was hot out here. I glanced at Talbot. He was in a pair of blue athletic shorts and a white t-shirt that clung to his wide shoulders. He was hot too and I couldn't help by lick my lips as I took the sight of him in from up close. My eyes widened as he caught me staring. I blushed and looked down, waiting for him to say something, to come on to me and start the panic building inside.

"The yard looks really good." He looked around his own backyard which had been rather neglected by the previous owners. "How did you plan yours out? Do you work as a landscaper?"

I shook my head. "Nah, just a hobby. I'm an editor actually. I work from home through computers for the most part, a lot of the publishing business has gone digital. Gardening gives me a physical outlet and a chance to unplug."

He grinned at me, eying my bare arms. I think I even liked it. "I can understand that. I work with books too, but the end product, not the beginning like you."

"Really? How so?" I turned off the water and walked over to the hose reel, turning the handle to wind the hose up neatly. He trailed after.

"Well, I own a used book store but a big part of my income is from rare book restoration. It's a bit of a family passion really; my dad did it before me. When he died I took over with his clients and expanded the business online to get new ones. It's a niche market but one I fill nicely."

I looked at him sharply to see if he was smirking, the statement seemed full of innuendo but he wasn't even looking at me. He was bent over the low fence, smelling the mint I had planted.

He stood up and looked at his yard again. He's cut down the weeds but it was a bare rectangle of slightly yellowed grass. He frowned.

"What would it take to convince you to help me with my yard?"

"Uhh..."

"Oh, you wouldn't have to do any work. I'm good with books, I can take masterpiece made by someone else and make it beautiful again but I can't do the creating myself." He held up his hands. "These are not artist's fingers but I can do all the digging and planting if you can lay it out for me as nice as what you've done with your sister's yard."

His hands were big but I could imagine them carefully cradling a delicate book, running down the cracked spine as easily as I could see them cupping my face as he moved in slowly for a kiss. I shook my head, trying to stop that line of thought.

"Oh. Well, that's okay. Sorry for bugging you." His shoulders were actually slumped as he turned away.

I could feel the frown on my face as I tried to figure out what just happened. Oh! The head shake. Jeez, I was really rusty at my social skills. He looked like a giant kicked puppy.

I hurried over to the fence. "No! Wait, I meant to say yes. I could help you."

Talbot turned around. "Really?" he asked brightly. "You'll help me."

I shrugged. "I don't have too much going."

"Right now? We could get started."

I was a little startled. I didn't think he meant right then. I mean, I thought I would have a little time to get used to being around the man, get started measuring in a few days, something like that.

"Uh, okay. Do you have a measuring tape?"

"Of course! C'mon over."

I carefully stepped over the short fence and followed at a safe distance to the man's back porch. It wasn't as big as Shana's but it was screened in and on one side there was a nice patio set, deep green cushions covering the chairs.

He walked in the back door, glancing over his shoulder. "I think the tape is upstairs. You can come up, it's in my workroom."

I eyed the door and felt the panic begin. My heart began to pound and I took a step back. I'm not sure what my face looked like but he looked startled and then his face went blank.

"Or you can wait out here if you'd prefer. Have a seat; I just bought the patio set last week so I could sit out here in the evenings."

I already knew that, I'd watched him unload his truck and put the table up and set the chairs around it. I'd also watched him sipping his tea and reading once the cooler air of the evening made it bearable outside. He often said hello and talked to the neighbors on the other side of his property too but I hid if he looked up at my window and never came out if I saw him already outside.

I moved to the table, unsure of how badly my voice would shake if I tried to talk. I hated feeling weak and hoped he'd get the hint so he wouldn't know how much panic just the idea of going in his house created. When I looked over at the doorway after sitting down he was gone and the door was still wide open; so he must have gone up alone.

I rubbed idly at a water ring on the blue glass table for the few minutes it took for him to come back. When he held out a supple rolled up measuring tape that went out maybe five feet I started to laugh.

"That's a blueprint tape. It would take forever to measure the yard with that!"

Talbot scratched his neck. "Oh. Um. I don't have anything else."

I stood up, still chuckling as I pushed my chair back in to the table. "Don't worry about it. I have one we could use. Follow me."

We hopped back over the fence and I led him over to a small shed under the overgrown lilac bush that mostly hid it from view. "I didn't know this was here," he said in surprise.

"That's the point. I have to store the tools someplace out of the way; Shana's garage is solely to keep her car safe. She's obsessed, I swear. I couldn't even store my apartment stuff in there; I ended up renting a storage locker."

I was waiting for him to ask why I was living with her, why I wasn't living on my own like most twenty-two year old men. I rummaged around in the shed and pulled out my extra long measuring tape, bracing myself to give him some sort of answer when he asked. I thought rapidly, trying to figure out some sort of probable story that would be better than the truth. Then again, anything would be better than that.

"This will work." I held it up. "C'mon, you'll need to hold the other end."

It didn't take long to hop back over the fence and get his yard measured. It was basically flat and one long rectangle. I had a few ideas to break up the space and create some private spots for him, including a screen with some climbing vines on the side of his back porch. What if someone other than me was watching him?

We chatted a little about my ideas while we measured and he basically gave me the green light to plan whatever I wanted as long as it would take a minimum of care so he would be able to keep it up. I promised to have some yard mock ups ready in a few days when I left.

    *

I had them ready by the following morning. I even ignored my current editing project to get them done. A few trees and shrubs, some stone paths and a bench for seating took up the back right corner. All along the fence I plotted for those decorative shrubs, the ones that never grow really big but take on interesting shapes, if you prune them a little. Flower beds along the house and the screens had gained a nice variegated ivy. I'd considered a flowering vine there but bees could get bad in the summer. No reason to bring them closer to the porch than necessary.

I had a few different layouts printed out but I hoped he'd like the last one I did; it was my favorite. I stuck the printouts in a folder and set it carefully in the first rung of my file organizer. Over the next two days I stared at it off and on when I wasn't able to watch him. I was rapidly becoming obsessed with him. I couldn't seem to control it though.

"So, Talbot tells me you are planning his garden for him," Shana said casually over dinner.

I dropped my fork and it clattered on my plate. "When did you talk to him?" I reached for my glass of water to cover up my slip with the fork.

"At the store. He was looking at plants and stuff, said you were going to tell him what he should get and where to put it but he was 'studying up'." She grinned "He was cute; he just went on and on about you."

I shrugged, secretly pleased that he spoke of me to Shana, though I tried to hide it. When she laughed, I blushed. God, she knew I had a crush on the man. She had to. I buried my head in my hands.

"Hey," she said carefully, her hand coming over to mess with my hair, "I didn't mean to upset you. I just think Talbot likes you, and well, I want you to be happy. What I know about him seems good. Not like... you know, before."

I shuddered, I wouldn't think of before. I wanted to get past it, so I pushed it away. I didn't want to feel alone anymore.

"I am not going to be rushing into anything," I promised, looking up at her. She'd been the one who held me through my screaming when I woke up from nightmares. She knew more about how scared I'd been than any of my friends or our family.

"Good, you shouldn't. But I'm glad to see you're trying though." She ruffled my hair again and then stood up. "I'm going to head upstairs and for a bath and a book. It was a long day at work today."

I nodded. I finished my dinner and put the plates in the dishwasher, shaking my head at Shana's aversion to dishes. Leaving the pots to soak I headed up to my room. Picking up the folder, I fingered the plans, sitting down in my chair and looking at Talbot's yard, trying to picture each one. The last one was still my favorite.

    *

"So, I printed these out. It's sort of hard to tell just from squares and circles but you can see the layout." I grabbed the bag of cut outs I'd clipped from my garden magazines so he could see the plants I'd labeled. "These are a few pictures of the plants I thought would look good, just so you can get a better idea of the colors and sizes."

I sat on the comfortable green patio chair again, Talbot sat on my left. I leaned close to him as I pointed things out and the scent of his cologne surrounded me. He smelled clean and a little spicy. I brushed against his arm with my hand and he shivered, looking up at me.

I was smiling cautiously at him and he smiled back. Clearing his throat he picked up the plans, shuffling through them.

"The plans are all good but I think this one is my favorite. I like your plan here for the bench and the way the path curves past the side gardens. Do you think we should get the trees for it in different stages of maturity though, so there will be some shade to begin with, or start with saplings?"

My smile got bigger, he really had been studying and he picked my favorite plan too. "Different sizes would be better. Saplings are cheaper but summer is half over and August is always the hottest month. Some shade would help keep the yard a lot cooler."

He leaned back in his chair, sipping at the ice water he had gotten for us. "How long do you think this will take on my own? I could hire a guy to help me from the home store, if it's going to take too long."

I leaned back too, acting casual. "I could help you. Between the two of us I bet we could get it done in a weekend with maybe a few evenings here and there for the detail work."

"I couldn't ask you to do that!" he protested.

I shrugged. "My garden is doing fine and other than mowing I don't have anything to do until it's time to pick the vegetables. I like creating new gardens, it's hard work but it's satisfying. I don't mind helping."

He looked at me closely and I picked up my water, drinking casually as I tried to control my breathing. I had no idea why this guy had broken through my self-imposed wall of isolation but he had somehow managed to get inside. I wanted to spend more time with him.

"If you're sure."

I smiled in pleasure. "I'm sure. Do you have any plans for this weekend?"

He shook his head. "Nope."

"Good, we can go get supplies then. I have plenty of tools but we can price out the plants and get the material to make the borders and path."

"Why can't we do that now? I don't have any plans for this evening. We can grab a bite to eat on our way back."

I froze. I wanted to spend more time with him but... "Umm, I do have an errand to run on my own later but it shouldn't take too long. How about we take separate cars?"

He agreed easily and I hid my sigh of relief. I had my escape route if I needed it and the layer of safety kept me calm. I could spend time with him and if something happened I could get in my car and drive away. I repeatedly told myself to calm down. Maybe my heart would stop pounding so hard if I said it a few dozen more times.

    *

We decided on Mexican food for dinner and sat on the patio outside the restaurant. The sun had sunk on the other side of the building so our side next to the river was nice and cool. There was even a slight breeze. We both ordered tea with our meals and were chatting idly when I decided to ask him about it.

"Most people drink beer with Mexican food." I made the statement into a question with my tone but didn't actually ask him what I needed to know.

"I don't drink," he said. "It impairs the senses." Staring into my eyes, he grinned. "I don't need to be distracted when I'm with you anyway. You're distraction enough."

I could feel the heat of my blush creep up my cheeks. "Thank you?"

He laughed, and then reached for my hand, a serious look falling across his face. "Don't worry, I get that something happened that makes it hard for you to trust me."

I lost my smile and looked down.

He squeezed my hand. "I won't ask what it was, I don't need to know. I'm willing to go at whatever pace you set. But I want to get to know you better, maybe go on an official date sometime. Can we... Can we try that?"

I bit my lip. Here was my chance. A decent guy wanted to get to know me, knew I was wary of other men and was willing to take it slow. That didn't come around every day, hell, it didn't come around every year, but could I risk it? Could I risk acting on the way I felt and take the chance that under the good guy exterior lurked a monster like the last man I trusted?

I tightened my fingers on his. My mouth was dry and my stomach was jumping but half of that was excitement. Life was about taking chances and making the most of your experiences. I'd had a bad one but I wasn't going to let it isolate me anymore. I wasn't ready to give up. I didn't want to be alone.

"I'd like that."