Seeing Double - 4. Chapter 4

Matt opening up, albeit slightly, was a big step in my eyes. I could tell there was a lot that was unanswered though.
He had in a way admitted he had powers, he admitted to me he had used them to hurt me.
To see him sad because he thought that he was going to push me away was difficult for me.
I felt bad when I touched him, my fingers gently gliding over the soft skin of his scar... I shut the image out, especially when it sounded like no one got to see it except him.

When I read the poem I felt like crying. To know that he felt like nothing he did was good enough was almost too much.
I didn’t want to acknowledge it before but I’m drawn to Matt. Beneath his issues I can tell that he is in there.
I don’t think it is because I’m trying to help but it’s just a feeling, a gut feeling that I like Matt and I want to make him the happiest guy on the planet.
But although he had checked me out that first day, doubt crept into my mind.
What if he was just sizing me up wondering what he would do to beat me in a fight?
Could he sense something in me with his powers?

My ability to ask too many questions was beginning to annoy me.
He wouldn’t have been so nervous the first day if he had been sizing me up, I figured.
But the fear that when the time came, he would turn round and say no, was causing a lump to form in my throat.

Sam slapped a hand on my shoulder snapping me from my thoughts.

“Hey you, if you had zoned out anymore I would have painted you grey and sold you for a mint as a statue.” She said with a smile.

I smiled back, although she knew it was painted on.

“Dan, it’s too soon to be asking him out.” She said, seemingly reading my thoughts.

I sighed.

“He needs friends right now; once he’s more confident of himself then maybe it will be ok, but...”

“I know Sam, I know that the last thing he needs right now is having to worry about pleasing me as a boyfriend as well as getting settled into university life.”

“Drop subtle hints then leave it up to him for now; if he notices and does nothing then he’s not ready.”

“And if he doesn’t pick up on them because he isn’t ready, how will he be able to see them?”

She nodded.

“I see you haven’t been as wild as you normally are, Dan.”

“He’s a grounding influence. When I see Matt I know there are things more important than my other lifestyle.”

“You’re ditching that then?”

“Yeah, I realised over the summer what a dick I’d been so it’s time for a change, I think.”

“I just hope you haven’t forgotten that you’re supposed to go to Fresher’s ball Sunday?”

“Shit.” I replied in a low murmur.

“I guess that’s a no.” Sam said with a vicious glint in her eye.

“Now where do I know that look from?” I asked as I smiled back at her.

“You know what happens next.” Sam replied.

“Please don’t make it too many places this time, please.” I pleaded.

“Of course not.” She answered sweetly.

I grabbed my keys, phone and wallet and headed out the door with her.

“Sam, please! How many do we have to go to for crying out loud?!”

Sam had loved to play ‘Shop for Dan’ ever since we met.

My suit from last year still fitted well so all there was to look for was a shirt and tie.

“I’ve got it narrowed down to two now.”

“Narrow it down to one.” I grumbled.

“Ooh someone’s turned into grumpy pants, hasn’t he?”

I shrugged.

“Well, it’s down to you which one you want.” She said obviously liking both equally.

“I’m tired, hungry and I can’t be arsed to be honest at the moment Sam.”

“Ok then; if you can’t decide, I’ll let Matt do it instead.”

I turned to her quickly. “What did you say?”

“I’m going to let Matt choose, he’s in the shop as well silly.” She smirked.

I looked to where she was pointing and I gazed in that direction.
Matt was looking through the shirts, quickly scanning them, and then moving onto the next quickly, clearly looking for something in particular.

“I like his way of shopping.”

“You mean barely registering the shirts before moving on.” Sam said in horror at the speed Matt was rifling through the one rail of shirts.

“Shall we say hello?” I asked.

“Of course. I’ve yet to meet Matt.” She said brightly.

The thought of being near Matt had lifted my mood somewhat.

“By the way, how did you know what Matt looked like?”

I got chatting to him on email and persuaded him to send a naked picture of himself.” Sam said without falter.

“Bull...shit.” I replied simply and we both started laughing heartily.

It looked like Matt was almost finished as he turned towards the exit.

“Matt!” I called out without thought. This brought several glances round from customers at the shout.

He turned, surprised.
We caught up to him and I was greeted with a smile. Matt’s smile showed his teeth off, which were perfect.
Before I could get caught staring Sam started talking.

“Hey, you must obviously be Matt.” Sam said and held out a hand.

“Yeah I’m Matt; although I’m sure half the store knows I’m Matt now.” He said as he looked up at me.

I had to turn away to avoid blushing under Matt’s gaze.

“Um, yeah, sorry mate, only way I thought of catching your attention at the time.”

“Don’t sweat it.” Matt said still smiling.

This was the most relaxed I’d seen him since I first met him.

“Well, Dan has a very important question to ask you actually Matt.”

“Huh?” I said

“What sort of question?” Matt said a little suspiciously.

Damn Sam for wiping the smile off his face.

“She’s kidding Matt.” I replied.

“I am not!” She said in mock indignation. “It is a matter of grave importance and the decision will be a difficult one.”

“Who are you now? The all-seeing witch?” Matt said with a glint in his eye.

Sam looked shocked, after what I had told her, jokes were probably not on the list of things she expected him to come out with.
I started laughing, which started Sam laughing and Matt did as well. Hearing Matt laugh was joyous for me and I was beaming.

“Whoa, I’m being blinded Dan.” Sam said, and I quickly became conscious of my smile and so promptly stopped.

Matt looked disappointed when I stopped smiling.

“Anyway.” Sam said.

“Oh yes, the question of grave importance.” Matt replied.

Sam held up the two combinations of shirt and tie she had decided on.

“Dan needs a new shirt and tie for the ball. It’s up to you to decide on which one out of these two.”

Matt looked at me and then at the clothes.

“I don’t even know what colours you like or what colour your suit is.” Matt replied.

“I will wear either Matt.”

“Well that was really helpful.” Matt said as he stuck his tongue out at me.

I smiled at the gesture as I said “How mature of you Matt.”

He looked at each combination in turn. One was a deep navy blue shirt with a white and silver tie, and the other was a white shirt with a dark red tie.

“Hmmm, I’ll judge it on what I’d prefer to wear myself and I would pick the navy shirt combo.”

“Navy shirt combo it is then!” Sam said happily.

“Finally, we can go get something to eat. I’m starving!” I exclaimed.

We laughed merrily as we walked out of the store but I still wondered why he was so happy.
Of course I was glad he was happy; but the sudden change of mood from one day to the next was startling.

“Matt, can I ask you something?” I said as Sam went up to order the food.

“Sure Dan.”

“Well this isn’t a bad thing, but I was wondering what brought on the sudden change in mood.”

Matt’s smile faltered slightly at the question, but as he thought he nodded.

“I understand it’s a bit of a change but I’ve had some great news.”

“Oh yes?” I replied intrigued at what had made him so happy.

“My friend up near my family home is doing a workshop due to an agreement between the two universities, so we’re meeting up and she will be with her mate as well who is...”

“Who is?” I asked, although I knew the answer already.

“Her mate is gay.” Matt looked at me for a sign of negativity at this statement. He really had no idea that I was too, or he did but didn’t want to be wrong and say anything.

“That’s cool. What happens if this guy comes on to you?” I asked, hoping that that wouldn’t be the case.

“Well, seeing as though I’m gay as well, I would be flattered; though nothing would happen, we’re miles apart!”

As Matt finished the sentence, it dawned on him what he said.

“I’ll see what Sam is doing at the bar.” Matt said quietly.

“Matt, Matt, Matt!” I called out, not for the first time.

I thought about running over to him and blurting out everything, but to actually know he was gay I had a chance, a proper chance.
But he had closed up again slightly; surprised at his revelation he dealt with it the best way he knew: walk away.
I caught myself looking at his arse that was snugly encapsulated in his jeans.

Before I could envision anything else in my mind, I felt Sam looking at me from the bar with a questioning eyebrow raised.
I smiled and mouthed ‘Tell you later’ to which she shrugged and collected the drinks.

“What was all that about?” She asked the instant the glasses were on the table.

“Where’s Matt?” I asked in reply.

“No, you’re supposed to answer not ask a question back.” She pouted. “Anyway, he said he was going to the toilets.”

I quickly told her about the events of the last few minutes.

“That’s great about his friend coming down for a day or two, even if it is next week.”

“Yeah it is.”

“Dan, it’s still too early, if you say right now, ‘Hey I’m gay too let’s go out’ he will probably freak.”

“It’s just really difficult. Today when he was in his happy mood that was the real Matt! I know it and that just confirmed how much I like him!”

“Well, I can only give you advice. I can’t tell you to do something, but I really think you should consider how little you know about each other.”

“I will get to know him more then.” I replied after a pause in the conversation.

Just after I said this Matt came walking back into the pub looking a little unsure. He caught my gaze and I sent him a big grin, which prompted a small smile in response.

“Hey guys, sorry I took so long.” Matt said.

“That’s ok Matt; the food hasn’t arrived, although it shouldn’t be long.” Sam replied with a smile.

“Drop the big smiles act; I can tell you told her, Dan.”

I faltered. How could he possibly have known that? Sam had a similar expression on her face.

“It doesn’t matter how you know Matt, it’s just that Dan normally talks to me about everything. And you should know that I have no trouble with you being gay in the slightest.”

Matt nodded, then smiled at Sam and stupidly I felt a pang of annoyance that he was smiling at her and not me.

“Yeah Matt, don’t worry. I’m with Sam on this. It doesn’t matter who you decide to like, I still want tobe friends with you.”

As I forced the words ‘be friends with you’ my mouth felt like ash, knowing that now it would be a while before I could say anything as Matt would view me as just a good friend.
It was made worse by the big smile that he shone at me.

“Thanks, that means a lot.” He said as he pulled me and Sam into a hug; it took all my will not to cry then and there.

“No problem.” I whispered.

The waitress came out and we ate our meal in silence, which was now a mixture of the want to fill stomachs mingled with the unsaid that, lingered heavily or perhaps it was just me.
We polished off dessert as well before splitting the bill as was fair.

“By the way Matt...” I started; needing to have conversation otherwise I couldn’t keep it in. He turned to face me as we were walking back up the hill towards the campus.

“...what were you looking for before we interrupted you?”

Matt thought for a while then nodded as he remembered “I was looking for a dark shirt for the end of Fresher’s party.”

“That figures. So what else are you wearing to the party then Matt?”

“I just thought I’d wear a shirt and that’s it.” Matt said with no trace of humour; he looked serious.

The thought of Matt walking around with just a shirt on made me tingle.

“Seriously?”

“Well, that was until I was told its October and it wouldn’t be appropriate so no, I’m not going in just a shirt.”

“But you really were thinking of wearing just a shirt?”

Sam was on Matt’s other side but I could see her shaking.

“Sam, are you cold?” I asked.

It was then I knew I’d been taken for a fool. Sam was shaking with laughter not the cold and Matt had broken his façade.
Matt was leaning on Sam for support as he laughed. At first I was annoyed at being taken for a fool but seeing the two of them sniggering and laughing made me smile.

“Honestly Dan, did you really think he was being serious?” Sam asked still giggling.

They eventually calmed down and Matt put a hand on my shoulder “Sorry Dan, but when you didn’t pick up on the joke the first time around I had to run with it... too good an opportunity.”

Feeling him squeeze my shoulder and smile at me made me want to bend down and kiss him there and then but once again my discipline held out.

“Don’t worry Matt; I’ll just have to get you back.” I said, and then promptly stuck my tongue out him.

“Mature.” Sam piped up.

Before I knew it Matt was at the turning for his Halls so we bid him goodnight and started walking further down the road.

“This is so difficult Sam.” I started.

“Dan, if you want any sort of chance with him then you will wait. You have to wait.”

“What about if I can’t wait, if I blurt it out one day?”

“Then you would have to accept his decision and it will either be with him or hope that if he said no he could still trust you to be friends with him.”

“Do you really think he would just say no?”

“Dan, just because most guys have jumped on you before doesn’t mean that Matt will. He is different from the others.”

I fidgeted.

“Whatever you choose Dan, just remember that he trusts your friendship and he is just finding his feet here. Fresher’s week isn’t finished yet for goodness sake!”

“Oh the Fresher’s party. I hope Matt isn’t wearing something too nice.”

“If he is what are you going to do?”

I shrugged.

“I trust you to make the right decision this time Dan.”

‘This time...’ those words made me wince.

“Sam...” I started barely whispering.

She looked at me with horror on her face.

“I’m so sorry I brought that up.”

I walked up the short pathway to the door and left the door for her to shut as I continued to my room in silence, ignoring her presence.
Shedding my clothes quickly I got ready for bed and climbed in; the bag with the clothes Matt had picked for me lying on the floor near the foot of the bed.
The thoughts of Matt, me having to just be friends with him and the topic Sam brought up were too much and as my head hit the pillow, tears slid silently down my face.