Perfect - 1. Chapter 1

It was perfect. Everything was perfect.

The flat was clean and tidy, the bed neatly made, strewn with rose petals and surrounded by candles that weren’t yet lit. The table was set with the best china and crystal. A bottle of good quality red wine was breathing in the kitchen and the stroganoff was simmering gently. Lidded dishes of rice and salad decorated the centre of the table, and a basket of freshly baked bread rolls fragranced the air.

The table was set for two and, next to one of the plates, a small pile of neatly wrapped boxed glittered in the soft candlelight.

Leif smiled to himself, as he smoothed down the black trousers of his one and only suit. Everything was perfect. Only one thing was missing. Leif checked his watch. Ten minutes. In ten minutes he would be kissing the most perfect thing in his life and leading him by the hand into his own flat, transformed in the space of one day, into a lover’s paradise. In ten minutes he would see those beautiful blue eyes mist, with tears of joy and would feel the weight of the glossy black head on his shoulder, as he whispered two words:

“Happy Birthday.”

He picked up one of the boxes from the table and twirled it in his fingers, a slightly uncertain smile on his face. For a moment, his hand hovered over the table and then his smile became more confident and he carefully set the box on the top of the pile.

Ten minutes.

Leif had wandered around the flat for the last half an hour. He’d straightened cushions, moved candles, tasted food and adjusted cutlery. He was going to go insane if he did that for the next ten minutes. Settling himself in front of the computer screen, he logged in to his hotmail account. It didn’t take long to check his email. There’d only been one sine the last time he checked.

Idly, he checked in to the forum where he and Raven had met and which they both regularly visited. He smiled broadly, when he saw that Raven had updated his status, only a few minutes before, from his phone. “Thanks for the birthday wishes. Don’t know what’s planned; L’s being mysterious. Got some things to take care of, see you guys later.” There were various comments, wishing Raven a happy birthday, or making suggestions as to what he might have planned.

His fingers flew over the keys as he typed. “One thing’s planned for sure; before the end of the evening, Raven will be in my arms... read it and weep.”

He knew that, by the morning both statuses would be flooded with responses, filled with envy. He was, indeed, a lucky man and he, as well as anyone who’d chatted with Raven, or seen the photographs he’d posted on the forum, well knew it.

Closing down the computer, he checked his watch: three and a half minutes and counting. Of course it would be unreasonable to expect him to be there to the minute; Raven was always late; but he knew he wouldn’t be very late.

When Raven was ten minutes late, Leif was still smiling. The dreamy nature which led to his appalling time-keeping, was one of his most endearing characteristics.

After twenty minutes, he was getting cross. Although he’d promised himself not to, he telephoned Raven’s phone, to be met by his voicemail, cheerfully informing him that Raven wasn’t available and asking him to ring again. After half an hour, he did ring again, and again, and again, growing more and more frustrated and angry.

‘Things to take care of’ he’d said. What things? What was he doing? What if there was someone else involved? No, that was stupid, neurotic thinking. Raven knew he was planning something for his birthday. He knew that he’ d be waiting. Raven wouldn’t do something like that. So where was he? Maybe he hadn’t meant to be so long. Maybe it was supposed to have been a short liaison. No, he had to stop thinking like that. Raven wouldn’t do something like that.

As time went on he swung between anxiety, anger, concern and betrayal. He became more and more convinced that Raven wasn’t coming. He knew that Leif would be here; it had been arranged. He knew that he had a surprise waiting and he knew that Leif had worked hard on it. Leif was the first one to acknowledge that he was insecure in the relationship; who wouldn’t be with someone like Raven? It had been hard for him but he had come to trust; he’d thought he’d come to trust. He realised no how fragile that trust was.

There had been times before when Raven had been late for dates... many times; sometimes an hour or more. He’d always had a good reason; or a good excuse. He was Raven. Raven was a phenomenon. Everyone forgave Raven anything. Leif forgave him anything. No matter how angry he was; one look into the twinkling blue eyes and all was forgiven.

There was no malice in Raven; no spite or deceit... at least Leif hadn’t thought so. He’d though a lot of things but one thing he couldn’t ignore was the fact that hit him squarely in the face: it was quite clear... Raven wasn't coming. He wasn't coming because he knew that Leif was there, preparing a surprise... he didn’t want the surprise and he didn’t want Leif.

Growling, Leif shook his head. This was ridiculous. Raven was late; Raven was always late. It didn’t mean anything. It just meant that Raven was late. Any minute he would stroll through the door with a reasonable excuse and a smile. Leif would look into his eyes and forget that he had ever been angry. Only he wouldn’t. This time he wouldn’t forget. This time was special; Raven knew it was special even though he didn’t know how special. He had promised. He had promised Leif that he wouldn’t be late; that he would be there.

Time stretched and twisted and hours passed. Leif went through every conceivable emotion. The carefully created cocoon he had built around himself crumbled. He was a fool; such a complete fucking fool. How had he ever convinced himself that someone like Raven would care for him? They were just too different. Raven was light and he was dark. He thought and Raven did. He intellectualised and Raven experienced. He was serious; Raven was fun. He was handsome; Raven was beautiful. Whatever he was, Raven was better.

It hurt. His heart hurt. More and more as the seconds ticked away he convinced himself that Raven didn’t love him; that he had never loved him, only played with him. Deep down he knew that Raven wasn’t like that; that what they had was special; but his insecurities had embedded too deeply.

Turning off the hob he paused to let his eyes sweep the room. What a fool; what a bloody fool. As an afterthought he grabbed the little box from the table and thrust it into his pocket. There was a huge temptation to sweep the glasses off the table; to hear the tinkle of smashing crystal; but he just swept out of the door, slamming it behind him. As the door closed the telephone started to ring. It crossed his mind that it could have been Raven but by then he didn’t care. He was probably just checking on whether he’d left yet anyway.

He was furious. This wasn’t just Raven’s usual absentmindedness. This wasn’t his tendency to work on a different timescale. He knew that Leif was organising something special. He knew that Leif had taken time and trouble; that he was excited and anxious. Raven knew and he still hadn’t shown. Leif tormented himself; going over and over recent conversations, looking for signs that Raven had cooled on them. When you look; you always find. There were tears in his eyes as he drove away from the complex, his eyes penetrating the darkness; even now hoping that he would see Raven; that he would run to the car with excuses and pleas. But there was no one.

He didn’t want to go home. It was cold and dark at home. He had left in a hurry; full of excitement and hope. His clothes were scattered around on the bed where he couldn’t decide which shirt to wear.

Stamping on the brakes, Leif brought the car to a sudden stop and bent over the wheel, sobbing.

Leif’s mobile rang. It had rung a number of times and he had ignored it. He knew it was Raven. He didn’t want to hear the excuses. He didn’t want to hear his voice. If he heard his voice he would have to go back and he’d had enough. He’d reached the end. He didn’t want to go back.

He glanced at the screen. It was an unfamiliar number and he turned it off before throwing it on the seat.

Well, he couldn’t just sit here. He had to go somewhere. Shifting the car into gear he pulled out from the curb and into the almost empty road. After driving aimlessly, he found himself in a familiar road. Stopping outside a house he looked up at the lit window. Did he really want to go in there? Lauren would listen to him, sympathise with him and then be sensible. He didn’t want to be sensible; he wanted to be angry and hurt and irrational. Maybe he should go to Ronny’s and go completely the other way. They would bitch and curse and get drunk.

But he was out of the car now.

The door opened and instantly he was in the middle of a whirlwind.

“God Leif; where the hell have you been? Everyone has been trying to call. I thought you were at... were at Raven’s.”

“Yeah... well...”

“I knew you’d come here eventually. Why the fuck didn’t you answer your phone?” She grabbed her coat and then started towing him back towards the door. “We’ll take your car; I’ll drive.”

“Woah.” Digging his feet in Leif stopped them. “What the fuck is going on? You’re acting like a crazy woman. Where the hell are you taking me?”

“Come ON Leif. If you answered your fucking phone you’d know. There’s no time.”

“There had better be time Lauren, because I am not moving until you tell me what’s going on.”

She went very still and turned to face him. For the first time he noticed that she had been crying. His stomach constricted. “Lauren?”

“We’re going to the hospital, Leif. There’s been an accident... Raven...”

“An accident? What kind of accident? Lauren what...?”

“I don’t know Leif. No one will tell me anything. They just kept telling me to get hold of you. Everyone’s been calling...”

“How long?”

“About an hour and a half ago Raven’s mother called. She’d been at the hospital for a while I think...”

“Oh my god... he was coming home. He... he was coming home.”

“Of course he was coming home. You were making a meal or something weren’t you? For his birthday?”

“Yeah... something.”

Recognising that he was totally shocked Lauren was gentler. “Come on Leif... we’ll find out what happened.”

The ride to the hospital was taken in silence, Lauren didn’t know what to say and Leif had nothing to say.

When they arrived Lauren pulled the car straight up to the main entrance. They were surprised to see Raven’s brother leaning against the wall smoking a cigarette. He straightened when he saw Leif.

“Where were you?” There was no accusation in his tone, none at all, it was flat.

Leif shook his head. For a moment he couldn’t speak. He took a deep breath. “I was angry with him. I had this thing all arranged for his birthday and when he didn’t show I got this crazy idea in my head... My insecurities got the better of me and I convinced myself he didn’t love me. I... I just drove around feeling sorry for myself. I... if I had known... I...” He swallowed hard; afraid to ask the question he knew had to be asked. “How... how is he?”

Fian hung his head and scuffed the gravel with the toe of his shoe. “It wouldn’t have made a difference Leif. Even if you had been here it wouldn’t have made a difference. We didn’t see him. They took him straight to surgery and... and we’ve just been waiting until...”

A lead brick settled in Leif’s stomach and he grabbed Fian by the shoulders, shaking him. “Until what? What happening Fian... where is he?”

“Gone,” Fian said, finally lifting his eyes to Leif, the tears beginning to fall. “He’s gone Leif. He didn’t make it.”

“No... no I won’t... I won’t... Where is he? I want to see him. I want...”

“We can’t Leif. Mam and Seren are hanging around... they can’t... can’t go. They said... they said that they... There’s a chapel and... and in a couple of hours... I don’t want to. I can’t.”

Leif pulled him into an awkward embrace and then walked into the hospital, fast.

It was more than three hours later when they were told that they could go to the chapel. Leif was numb, completely numb.

The chapel smelled of polish and wood. A huge, round, stained glass window poured warm, yellow sunshine into the room. White lilies decorated the aisle and the front of the chapel in delicate glass vases on stands. It was perfect.

Raven was so beautiful. His hair was fanned out across the pillow and covered his shoulders. His face hadn’t been touched in the accident and it was so peaceful, his eyes closed gently in rest. He was perfect.