Dependence

I’m 37 years old, and today at least totally dependent on Darren. I had a bad night last night and waking up today it was a struggle for me to get out of bed and make it to the bathroom before I had an accident, it wouldn’t have been the first time, but it’s deeply shaming when it happens.

The condition I suffer from is insidious, it’s there all the time and most of the time I can ignore it. But on days like today, it’s just too much. I made it to the sofa with Darren’s help. He then proceeded to help me get dressed as I can’t really move my legs or back without causing myself excruciating levels of pain.

Have you ever tried to do something like walk without moving your back ? It’s impossible.

Using the NHS Pain Scale I’m currently somewhere about an 8. It’s arbitrary anyway how I experience pain is completely different to the next person, but the doctors are not happy unless they can get a read from you. Normally I sit somewhere about a 5 and that I can ignore, but when I get a sudden jump like this, it’s a bit much.

Darren has already stuck me with 20cc of Morphine. Normally I’d be on Trans-Dermal patches to deliver a constant stream of the drug to my system, but I won’t have them. I’m not ready to become dependent on Morphine. So it’s a case of when Darren thinks I need it, I get it whether I want it or not.

It’s so frustrating having to depend on Darren so heavily. He’s only 28, he should be out enjoying himself rather than being stuck in the flat with me. I’ve brought this up from time to time, and to say his response was vociferous would be an understatement of mammoth proportions. I was told to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it. He wasn’t staying with me because he had to, he was there because he loved me.

It’s humbling, my body is basically broken, my mind is even more of a mess, but for some reason he’s willing to put up with it all to stay with me.

I don’t say it enough, but Darren, without you I’d be lost.

All my love, Mike xx