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    Andy78
  • Andy78
  • Author
  • 07/08/2012
  • 108 Words
  • 787 Views
  • 4 Comments
Poetry posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 

Creativewritingpoetry - 1. My Darling Tim

We sat in silence before the dawn

As I held Timothy in my arms

There I sat there all forlorn

Failed to shield him from all the world’s harms

 

This dreaded day finally arrived

We knew it was coming

Love forever survived

Not enough, as I felt him succumbing

 

We’d been together for many years

He was me and I was him

Now facing my deepest of fears

The Grim Reaper’s here to claim my sweet Tim

 

Kissed him my final farewell

With our families alongside

No longer to face our living Hell

Switched off the machines and my darling Tim died

Copyright © 2012 Andy78; All Rights Reserved.
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Poetry posted in this category are works of fiction. Names, places, characters, events, and incidents are created by the authors' imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual persons (living or dead), organizations, companies, events, or locales are entirely coincidental.
Note: While authors are asked to place warnings on their stories for some moderated content, everyone has different thresholds, and it is your responsibility as a reader to avoid stories or stop reading if something bothers you. 
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Chapter Comments

asamvav111

You were in a hurry to kill him, weren't you? Go back and rewrite. The emotions are there but too distant. Begining had a promise that remains undelivered. Rethink the scene. Either you have not experienced this or you need more time to internalize the anguish. What happened in the third stanza? The rythm is off. And look at the choice of words. The clever play of 'there' in first stanza caught the eye. I know you are a great writer. Now show me. :)

Andy78
On 07/13/2012 04:09 AM, asamvav111 said:
You were in a hurry to kill him, weren't you? Go back and rewrite. The emotions are there but too distant. Begining had a promise that remains undelivered. Rethink the scene. Either you have not experienced this or you need more time to internalize the anguish. What happened in the third stanza? The rythm is off. And look at the choice of words. The clever play of 'there' in first stanza caught the eye. I know you are a great writer. Now show me. :)
Poetry is just not my thing. I never really get it, but it is a requirement for my course (a small requirement thankfully).

 

I take your points which are valid, but I just really can't see myself rewriting this one.

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