Silence is Golden - 1. Chapter 1

Jackson started at my school last year and we immediately became friends, though our friendship was a challenge in the beginning as he is deaf. Nine years ago, when he was four years old, he contracted mumps, and he was one of the unlucky one in every fifteen thousand who suffer from permanent deafness as a complication.

He is a skilled lip reader and, very fortunately, has retained a normal speaking voice, so unless he told you, or if he wasn’t looking at you when you were speaking, you would never guess that he was deaf. Of course, him being deaf does mean that he misses that ever so slight change in the tone of my voice when I’m around him. If he could hear, then he’d be able to tell just how much I really do love him. He is so cute; he has long blond hair, his eyes are the most amazing shade of forget me not blue, and he has this lovely little button nose.

I think if he wasn’t deaf, he could have the pick of any boy in the school; not that our school is exactly overflowing with gay boys, but there are nine others in our year and six in the year above ours. However, Jackson is deaf and sadly, many of the kids shy away from him as a result. Oh well, that’s my good fortune; because I know there is no way in the world I’d be with Jackson if I had to compete for his affections. I’m not saying that I look like the rear end of a bus or a bulldog sucking on a lemon, I’m just plain; light brown hair, light brown eyes and an average nose, a cute boy that combination does not make.

Whenever we are out in public, Jackson always insists that we talk aloud, that way he can pass as ‘normal’ (his word, not mine). I don’t like doing it, it just doesn’t feel right to me for some reason; but since this affects Jackson far more than it affects me, it has to be his call. I go along with it because Jackson has asked me; I think if he asked me to jump off a cliff for him, I would.

With today being Sunday, we were supposed to be going out. We usually go out for brunch and then we head down to the village green to watch the weekly cricket game; but today, I had something special planned. After he had opened the door and said hi, I told him that we were going to be staying in today.

“What do you mean we’re going to be staying in? We always go to the weekly cricket game.”

“Jackson, you know I love you, don’t you?”

“Of course, and I love you as well. Why? What’s up?”

“We’ve been going out together for nearly six months now, and you spend every day in my world. We talk, we laugh, we go the cricket every weekend, and we pretend that your world doesn’t even exist.”

“What do you mean by this ‘my world’ and ‘your world’ stuff?”

“Jackson, you’re deaf; it’s the one thing we never deal with. We don’t talk about it, we don’t mention it and we sure as shit don’t acknowledge it. I go along with it, because you’ve made it perfectly clear to me that you don’t want to draw attention to the fact that you are deaf. I go along it because I love you, but that doesn’t mean I like it. Well today sweetie, we deal with it; in all of its horrific and glorious splendour. Today, we spend our day in your world.”

“And just how do you plan to do that?”

“Like this,” I signed.

“No fucking way,” he said. “You can drop that sign language shit right now!”

“Jackson, this is the way today is happening,” I signed. “I love you with all my heart, and I want to get a better understanding of what it is like for you.”

“Fine, if that’s what you want,” he signed back.

“Hi Peter.” It was Jackson’s mum; she must have been in the kitchen.

“Hi Veronica.”

“You two don’t normally hang around here on a Sunday. Change of plans?”

“Mum, he’s got same crazy assed idea about being a deaf kid for a day,” Jackson signed.

After getting over the shock of seeing her son using sign language, she said to him, “It’s not quite that crazy Jackson. I’m sure Peter just wants to get a bit better idea as to what your life is like. Since I thought you two were going out like usual, I’ve already made plans for the day with Tanya and Carly. I’ll be home around seven and will sort out dinner when I get in. Peter, are you staying for dinner?”

“If you’re cooking, then yes ma’am. I’m not sure I could eat anymore of my mum’s cooking this week.”

Veronica laughed as she let herself out. “I’ll see you boys when I get in.”

“So when did you learn how to sign?” Jackson signed.

“I learned the basics shortly after we met, and I’ve been taking classes.”

“Why did you never tell me?” Jackson signed.

“I never told you Jackson, because I wanted it to be a surprise. That, and I wasn’t exactly sure how you’d take it.”

“Well, it is,” he signed back. “A nice surprise, that is. You didn’t need to hide this from me. You know you could never do anything to really upset me. But why bother learning it at all? You’ll never need it around me.”

“Jackson, I love you so much. You can easily pass in the hearing world, you never feel uncomfortable in the hearing world. I just want to be able to have the same confidence in the deaf world.”

“And I love you. I want you to know that I do appreciate you doing this for me, even though I may not be totally thrilled with it.” Jackson scooted closer to me and kissed me on the lips. I parted my lips and allowed his tongue to enter my mouth and our tongues danced a sweet tango, as we tasted each other for the first time that day. Jackson straddled my lap and grabbed hold of my hair as his kiss became more aggressive. For someone who almost denies his deafness, for someone who becomes so shy around other deaf people, he is sexually so aggressive. Maybe it was his way of compensating for his attitude towards his deafness, or for being so damned cute and loveable, or perhaps he is just naturally that way, but whatever the reason I wasn’t ever going to complain; I just love being submissive to him.

As much as I’d love to enjoy where this was leading, the bedroom was not how I’d envisaged spending my day with Jackson. So, with much regret, I reluctantly untangled his fingers from my hair and pulled out of the kiss.

“Calm down, Tiger,” I signed. “I want to spend the day with you, just not in your bedroom.”

“Okay,” he signed back. “How about in the games room then?” If it were not for the huge grin on his face, I would have thought he was being serious; after all, it’s not exactly as though the games room is virgin territory where we’re concerned. Actually, the only room in his house where we haven’t done one thing or another is his mum’s bedroom, but that’s only because we know it would just be so wrong; not to mention totally weird.

“I was thinking about watching a film.”

“I thought you wanted a day in my deaf world? You giving up on that idea already?” He glared daggers at me as he finished signing.

“Of course not my darling. We’ll have it on mute with the subtitles on, that way I can watch the film exactly the same way you do.”

Jackson quickly jumped up, pulled out a DVD, and put it in the DVD player. He turned on the TV, switched it over to the DVD player, and hit the mute button. He sat back down next to on the sofa, kissed me on the cheek, and wrapped an arm around my neck. When I saw the opening credits start, I realised just how much Jackson was going to show me what it like for him; he had picked the first of the Lord of the Rings movies - The Fellowship of the Ring.

After sitting through the first half an hour of a film robbed of its sounds and music, I was already beginning to realise just what I take for granted. It was giving me a much deeper appreciation of what Jackson goes through to spend time with me when we go the cinema or even going somewhere as simple as a birthday party or the annual fireworks display on November 5th. To be totally honest, it was actually giving me a far deeper appreciation than I’d planned on, or realised I would even be getting.

After three hours of this unbearable silence, of Gandalf’s fireworks robbed of their noises, of watching the now very not scary Nazgûl, watching the fighting scenes with subtitles saying stupid things like “swords clash” and “sword hits shield”, it made me realise just a small fraction of what Jackson has to live with; or precisely live without. I had no idea just how much I rely on sound effects and music to create an atmosphere. I had no idea how much importance is placed on the spoken word. I even came to the shocking conclusion, that after watching, what is arguably, one of the best films ever made, I was bored.

When I go home tonight, I’ll be able to watch a movie or a TV show with the sound up as high as I like, knowing that Jackson will never ever hear a movie or a film, he’ll never know what a particular actor sounds like, and he’ll never know the reason for the huge fuss behind surround sound.

Jackson tapped me on the arm and signed, “What’s up?”

“What do you mean?” I signed back.

“You’re crying.”

I wiped the tears that I didn’t even know they were there from my eyes. “It’s nothing.”

“Come on, it’s got to be something.”

“Trust me, you don’t want to know.”

Jackson looked into my eyes, and then he frowned. “You’re feeling guilty, aren’t you?” he signed. “You take hearing everything for granted, and having just watched this film in silence with me, for me, you’re feeling sorry for me.”

“You know me better than that. You know that I’d never feel sorry for you. It just made me realise a part of what you go through in the world. You’re right though, there is so much that I take for granted, which is why I wanted to do this today. Until now, I just didn’t realise quite how much I do take for granted.”

“Come here you big softy,” Jackson signed. He wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. In the brief time we have been together, Jackson’s love for me is the one thing I’ve never taken for granted; it’s the one thing in all of the world that I would never, that I could never, take for granted.

After I got my emotions under control, we headed into the kitchen to make lunch. As I entered the kitchen, I turned on Jackson’s smoke alert system. As with everything else, a system of flashing lights has been set up especially for Jackson; when the doorbell chimes sound there is a light that flashes to let Jackson know there is someone there, when the timer on the cooker goes off there is another light that flashes to alert Jackson. It’s not something he thinks about, it’s just simply part of his life; we hear the door chime and go to open the door, Jackson sees the lights flash and he does the same thing. I was surprised though to realise that the smoke alert system had not been turned on by Jackson’s mum when she left; she must have simply assumed with me here, he wouldn’t need to rely on his system.

“You’re going a bit far you know,” he signed. “You can hear the smoke alarm if it went off.”

“And what happens if I need to use the bathroom or answer the door or something? Are you going to be able to realise food is burning before the kitchen goes up in flames?”

“You know, I never thought about that. Mum never bothers turning the system on when she’s here. She just assumes that she’ll hear the smoke alarm go off, and I won’t need to see the flashing lights.”

I’d just put the macaroni and cheese on to warm up, when the doorbell rang and the light warning Jackson about the door chime started to flash. We looked at each other and smirked.

“You get it,” he signed.

I returned a few minutes later with a box addressed to Jackson’s mum. “Must be the books Mum ordered,” Jackson signed, seeing the puzzled look on my face.

I set the box down on the kitchen counter and once the macaroni and cheese had finished warming through, I dished up a plateful for me and a plateful for Jackson.

We sat in the living room and watched some of the cricket match that was being televised; with the TV still being on mute, it was a truly unique experience for me. Not hearing any of the commentary, I found I oddly missed the witty remarks that commentators like Geoff Boycott and David “Bumble” Lloyd are known for. I even missed hearing the snippets of knowledge that are shared by the various commentators, and their reminiscings from their days as players; just another small thing in this world that Jackson will never know the enjoyment of. Why the subtitles on these sports channels are so bad I don’t know, but it only served to heighten my awareness of what Jackson misses out on.

We cuddled into each other as we watched silent over after silent over of the match. I have to admit though, not hearing the commentary was making me concentrate far more on the game than I usually do; I guess this explains why Jackson is so well versed with the intricacies of the game.

I was gently shaken awake; I hadn’t even realised I’d dozed off. I’d just gotten so comfortable, and the last thing I remember was Jackson running his fingers through my hair.

“How long have I been asleep?” I signed.

“Not long,” Jackson signed back, “maybe an hour and a half.”

“What time is it?”

“Almost six thirty.”

“We should clean up before your mum gets back.”

“Too late, she got back about twenty minutes ago and has already finished cleaning up. She’s made a start on dinner already.”

I got up off the sofa and went into the kitchen to find Jackson’s mum.

“Hi Peter,” she said.

“Hi Veronica. Sorry about not having tidied up after lunch. A parcel also arrived for you earlier, I left it on the counter top.”

“Thanks, I got it. And don’t worry about not having tidied up, I think you pulled of a minor miracle with Jackson today.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because he has been using sign language to talk me ever since I got in. It’s never been easy to get Jackson to even try using sign language; you know how stubborn he can be.”

“I know. Though this has also been a real eye opener for me. There is so much I take for granted in being able to hear. I never for one minute thought that Jackson’s life would have been affected this much by him being deaf; he’s always so happy and carefree. After experiencing a day of silence, I for one don’t know how I’d cope with a lifetime of it.”

I felt a pair of arms wrap themselves around my waist from behind me. I turned around and kissed Jackson on the lips.

“Jackson, I really do love you,” I signed.

“And I really love you.”

“Come on you two,” Jackson’s mother signed, “dinner is ready.”