The Wall and Goat - 11. Chapter 11 - Maxie

As the tail end of winter petered out into the hopeful begins of spring Jesse and I sorted out a routine. We talked through the wall, that hadn’t changed, but now most evenings would find me at his after school. He found the untidiness of my room distracting, and since his mother worked late it was easier to relax there. We went from school to his, or out to Toast, sometimes with Toman and Mina in tow and chatted or did homework on the table in the corner. Paul gave us the run of his house afterschool, and we ended up there a few times, long slow make out sessions lying upside down on the bed which inevitably lead to us both needing showers.

We ran most days; later and later as the sun drew out, often taking Nuka with us if we’d been at Paul’s eating his food and making laundry. It became clear very quickly that not only did Jesse love to run, but he needed it. The further we went, the more miles we covered, the better he was. He got more and more open the harder we ran, so when early spring training started I signed up with him for the school team. Jesse said that running earnt his sanity back. The more we ran, the fewer his nightmares. The first friendly cross country meet against the local school was good for both of us. We knocked the whole game off, came in first and second, and beat the hell out of everyone from our school. Ian went back to being his usual friendly self after that, and Jesse started smiling again when he came out of PE.

Jesse and I shared everything, from homework and music to food and quick kisses in my kitchen when no one was around to see. He loved eating at my house, and Babaanne began to teach him a little Turkish every time he came around for dinner. Both our parents calmed down, their temper’s considerably cooled since the day we had accidentally slept outside. Apart from the mutual hand jobs and the infrequent delights of frottage our sexual relationship hadn’t progressed. Jesse was, on the other hand, becoming a master of kissing. When we were alone he kissed me in earth shattering life-changing ways that left my head spinning and I often wondered how I would survive much more of this treatment.

Jesse came out of his shell a little more every day, more honest to others, more open with Mina and Toman, Paul and Guy. The Jesse I saw was starting to appear to everyone else, and that I loved. Most nights he fell asleep before me, and I listened to the sound of his breathing, the calm evenness sending me off to sleep better than anything else could. He woke me thrice more in the night with shouts and screams, the sound of my name twisted in panic. We ran at night, ran until we were both dropping from exhaustion, and only then would he tell me what he saw.

Dreams that involved my image getting mixed up with his attacker had mostly dropped off, though they still made appearances. They were replaced, he told me, with dreams in which I was dead. Sometimes I was dead by his hand, sometimes it was unknown. He could never save me. The worst ones were where his attacker killed me, showing up in the most unlikely places; the school, my bedroom, the Priory hill, the coppiced trees in the paddock. I worried about him. But I made good on my promise to myself. I swallowed every horror, absorbed all the crap that his brain threw at us, and managed to keep going, to keep being there for him, and while I worried, I loved him more. I wanted him to talk to a professional, but since it became obvious that the conversation made him clam up quicker than charity and bankers, I dropped the idea. We ran so that Jesse slept better. I slept better because I was exhausted.

Half term began to creep around, along with our two month anniversary, and I decided that something a bit special was in order, so I began to make plans for the week, hoping to surprise Jesse with my thoughtfulness. And maybe neatness.

The last Friday of term was declared as an option subject day, and Jesse and I got a whole day in the art room. Which meant that we officially got to ditch our uniforms. Knowing I was going to be messy the whole day I choose my oldest most holey jeans and my favourite dark blue t-shirt, ill-fitting and blazoned with a graphic mountain. Jesse looked picture perfect, his hair gorgeous, turned out in crisp blue jeans a black vest-jumper over a white shirt. It was our day to finish our major pieces and Jesse set up his easel facing mine and we worked on Afterword. Jesse wouldn’t let me see his piece, so I didn’t let him see mine either. I sat with my sketch draped over my knees and used graphite to re-draw the shapes of my canvas.

Jesse handed me his earphones and I played with my brush selection while his choice of track fed into my brain. It surprised me that it wasn’t one of mine.

‘I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in/I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones/That I started looking for a warning sign/When the truth is/I miss you/Yeah the truth is/That I miss you so’

I scrawled on the back of my notebook.

I’m right here.

He smiled, something soft and enigmatic in his features and I so hoped I’d planned our weekend right. I turned back to my painting.

Blues, yellows, greens; white and deep cerulean. Afterword reminded me of Jesse, he was the eyes of friends, the twin with the gift for his brother. So I was painting my present to him. I hadn’t travelled the world, hadn’t headed out west and fetch up again, but when I looked at Jesse I felt my world fixed in his eyes, and too him, apparently I was special. So I painted.

I painted a vision of the world that I wanted to run through with Jesse. The sky was made of close interlocked and frenetically detailed patterns tiles, blocks of colour and abstract shapes, the sort of things that Islamic temple designs loved so much. Blues reflected the colour of the sea, the sky, Jesse’s eyes when he smiled at me. I painted the land we ran over in fat interweaving lines of heavy pattern; darker blues and greeny greys, a fast wet brushstroke that looked like speed. Bright flashes of splotched acid green to show where we had stamped our feet. Between the tiled sky and the speeding ground were the picked out bright points of light that made up shapes: the sun on clouds, a ship in the far distance, two figures running. I drew us in dots of light, then took a needle, pierced the canvas a thousand times so when held up before a window the picture would be born a new. Here we were, two boys, slightly lost, and running.

We went to Toast with Mina and Toman to celebrate the arrival of the break and the wonder that a week off school brought. Nuka tackled me to the ground outside the shop, standing over my chest and happily licking away as though I hadn’t had a bath in months. Patrons who knew us well enough to smile at giggled, strangers stared. Paul stuck his head out of the door and whistled.

“Afternoon gentlemen,” he nodded to Mina, “Lady…” a smile, “Nuka get off him, I’m sure he’s clean now.”

We headed in only to find out usual table occupied, and sat ourselves along the seats at the bar. Nuka instantly put his front paws in my lap and rubbed his thick fur under my hands.

“What? No school uniforms today?”

“Art day,” Jesse smiled, “Maxie sings when he paints.”

“I do not!” I knuckled his shoulder, then took his hand, “Well sometimes. It’s your fault for giving me your music.”

“You gave me yours.” Jesse kissed my knuckles, and it made my chest tight, the way he didn’t even stop to think about being embarrassed.

“What did you guys do today?”

“Dance workshop,” Mina swirled and chocolate swizzle-stick in her fingers and looked along the bar at me, “You got big plans for half term Maxie?”

Damn Mina and her unnerving ability to ask all the wrong questions. I managed a shrug and dug my fingers into Nuka’s thick fur, pushing my hot chocolate away from his quivering damp nose.

“This and that.” Paul arched an eyebrow at me and I blushed.

*

“Where are we going Maxie?” I could hear Jesse running his fingers over the wall. I closed my eyes and tried to feel those same fingers running over my skin. I shivered.

“It’s a surprise.” I tapped on the wall, “We have a long day tomorrow. Go to sleep.”

*

We went for an early run. I had stopped complaining about going for runs way before we got chosen for the track team. Cross country was good, and weirdly I found myself enjoying going jogging, having fun at training. Winning had been awesome, and oddly easy. Jesse had set a hard pace, and I had just followed. Whenever we ran it was like a hook set inside my rib cage and it just reeled me in. Jesse ran: I followed.

Jesse had slept well, I stayed awake to listen to his breathing, woke up in the night to eavesdrop on him, not tossing and turning, and so we jogged through the new-sunlit morning in a relaxed sort of way. I kept my gaze fixed on Jesse and as we circled back and began to slow, Jesse threw a smile back at me over his shoulder. My heart leaped and juddered in a way I’d almost gotten used to. We kicked out our legs as we headed back home and as Jesse laid his hand on the gate I grabbed his wrist.

I pulled, Jesse twisted, and we ended up chest to chest.

“Maxie…” His voice was hot against my skin, I pulled him close, reached up to weave my fingers into his perfect, sweat mussed hair.

“Kiss me.”

His lips were soft and perfect, a kiss that made my heart shudder, as I pulled him ever closer. The scent of sweat and lemon zest shower gel filled me as I breathed him in. He pulled away as heat and hardness grew between us.

“Maxie…” he rubbed his knuckles over the back of my head, “You’re awful.”

“Give me an hour?”

“Sure.”

Fifty five minutes later I stood at Maxie’s front door, failing to make small talk with his mother. She had been civil to me, nice even, but I knew that she, much like my own mum, had no idea what we saw in each other. And she worried about Jesse. I did too. I had packed a knapsack for our trip; money, phone numbers; ‘The Dead Sea Scrolls’ which I hadn’t been more than a hands-breadth from in months; spare boxers, toothbrush, comb; coat and a spare jumper.

Jesse soft-shoed his way down the stairs and took my breath away. I was certain sure that I never looked as good in my clothes as he did. Dark red cords with mustard coloured loafers, a skinny belt with a button-down blue shirt and a grey pinstripe waistcoat. He was perfect, jacket in hand.

“Hey Maxie,” Jesse smiled, something happy and soft for me, “You ready?”

“You will call won’t you Jesse?” Ms Newall turned to her son and I saw the worry that passed across her face.

“I promise not to keep him too long Ma’am.” I touched my floppy fringe in a mock salute. Jesse turned away from his house and I felt his fingers join my own, “Come on babe!”

We’d been on the train for about ten minutes before Jesse asked me where we were going again. I smiled, and pushed two tickets across the little train-table to him.

“What’s this?” Jesse flipped over the postcards, identical, to read the details on the back, “The graduate show? Where is this?”

“I thought what better way to spend our day than with art and books.”

“But this isn’t until this evening?”

“I know.” I took the tickets back and put them in the back folds of ‘Scrolls’ of made sure to touch Jesse’s hand when I did so. His pupils widened.

“You’re terrible. Why the bag?”

I arched an eyebrow. Under the table my leg crossed his, we were too big not to be in each other’s space and I pressed my thigh into his. Jesse pulled away and tucked his feet under his chair.

“I am so not making out with you on a train!” he hissed, and for a long moment I thought I had judged everything wrong until he stuck me in the heart with his smile again. I made puppy eyes at him.

“So I don’t get any kisses on our anniversary?”

“Huh?” Jesse looked genuinely confused.

“Two months today.” I smiled but Jesse looked blank, “I can’t believe you don’t remember.” I thought of that kiss on the Priory Hill. That softness, sweetness, the way we had both held back. I grabbed his hand across the table and held tight.

“I never took you to be so soppy. Read to me?”

“Yes because reading poetry to my boyfriend on the train is so much less soppy.” I flicked through the book and came to page thirty two, “You sat sitting in your country seat/with maidens, servants waiting hand and foot…”

We spent the next hour on the train, trading poetry back and forth. Jesse read his book, fiddled with his cuticles and stared at the countryside which flashed past. Under the edge of the table I plugged the number Paul had given me into my phone and sent a text.

On the train on our way. Be about 20 mins.

The reply beeped back almost instantly.

Cool. All good on our end. See you soon.

We packed up as we pulled into the train station. I took Jesse’s hand as we stood, and he smiled at me. It was going to be a perfect day. Waiting for us in the wide station forecourt was a beautiful man, tall as Jesse but whip thin, leaning against a much shorter pale figure. Surrounding them were three of the largest dogs I had ever seen. A big bundle of balloons floated above the pair and the taller man waved.

“Maxie!”

“Maxie who is that?” Jesse squeezed my fingers and tugged at my arm. He was worried. I poked the frown between his eyes.

“That’s our ride. Come on.” I pulled Jesse with me to where Chaime stood with Alec and the dogs, “Jesse this is Chaime and Alec. This is Khan, Shadow and Hahn.” Shadow, the biggest and blackest of the wolf-dogs leapt at me as I approached and I let go of Jesse’s hand to catch his ruff. “Hey buddy!”

“Hi…” Jesse hung back, looking unsure.

Alec, who was genuinely dwarfed by the three of us steppe d around the pile of me and dogs to Jesse.

“We’re friends of Paul and Guy’s. These two used to tear up the slopes together,” he jerked his thumb at Chaime, “We’re here to give you guys a ride and a place to stay. Your boyfriend is one well organised romantic.” He handed Jesse the balloons.

“What have you been up to?” Jesse turned to look at me as I stood, brushing dog hairs from my jeans.

“Nothing. Come on!”

Outside the station was our ride. Or rides. Chaime had the most outlandish taste in motor vehicles known to man, and sitting proudly by the pavement attracting stares and women was a Chevy Blazer, his newest toy, in white and blue with big fat black wall tyres and a floor that you really had to climb up to in order to get in. The dogs piled in the back and I put our bags in there too.

“That is ridiculous,” Jesse stared at the truck, “I swear it’s a long walk around that, you could probably fit my whole bedroom in it.”

“Isn’t she a beaut?” Chaime grinned with pride, leaning against his new toy, “But you guys aren’t riding in this.”

“We’re not?” Jesse turned and frowned at me. I hoped he wasn’t going to freak out too much as I gestured to the machine behind the Blazer. Chaime threw me the keys. His other big hobby, besides the dogs and being stupidly nice to friends of Paul and Guy’s, was motorbikes. He had…many, at least seven at my last count, and had been lovely enough to decide to lend us one. Granted the Suzuki Ninja 250 was the least flashy and expensive of all Chaime’s bikes, but it was acid green and black and made a noise like a truly pissed of lion when you started it up. Chaime handed us a matching pair of helmets and the keys.

“You get him all day. Tank’s full. House key is on there too. Help yourself to anything in the fridge.”

“Thanks Chai,” I hugged him quickly and turned to Jesse, who stood stunned, looking at the green bike like it might bite him. Chaime and Alec got into the Blazer with the dogs and our stuff, in in a blue and white whirl of noise off they went. Jesse turned his helmet over in his hands. “Are you alright Jes?”

“Do you know how to drive this thing?”

I nodded.

“Where are we going?” I swung my leg over the bike and gave Jesse my best sexy smile.

“Anywhere you wanna go babe.”