The Rhino and the Mouse - 1. Part 1

There I was, standing in front of my little brother's apartment door, with everything I owned cramped into my duffel bag, which wasn't even that big. I rather would've been anywhere else, but I was dead broke and had nowhere else to go.

I knew you were supposed to love your parents and your siblings, no matter what, but very simply put, my brother was a fucking douche bag. I had tried, I really did, but finding something lovable in him turned out to be a wild goose chase. I didn't feel guilty though, because there were no warm feelings on his side either. In fact, he resented me and let me know it every chance he got.
My guess was that he just couldn't handle the fact that in high school I was well known and liked, even admired by some, and he was just my little brother, who had to live in my shadow. At 16 I was already built like a brick wall and had very clear ambitions to become a professional mixed martial arts fighter and that's exactly what I did after I graduated. My brother started to go to the gym too and took boxing lessons, but if you enjoy eating fast food and smoking weed more than a good work out, you can't expect miracles and so it never amounted to anything. When he finally had to face reality and abandon his illusions of being an athlete, he ultimately decided to give into the demands of our father to follow in his footsteps and become an investment banker.

That was another reason why he hated me. I had told our father right after I had moved out to go fuck himself and hadn't talked to him since. My brother couldn't stand him either, but he wasn't smart enough for a scholarship and too lazy to work his way through college, so he had to suck up to him to get a free ride. Our father had more than enough money and was happy to groom my little brother, especially since his other son was such a disgrace. After my mom died, he buried himself in work and a few years later he started his own company. But with growing success he became more and more full of himself and it came as no surprise that he condemned all of my choices, they just didn't meet his pretentious standards. Maybe I should've thanked him, because his endless bullshit tirades made me work that much harder to finally be independent, but I didn't, I gave him a piece of my mind and never looked back. It was a proud day, I felt liberated, I was a man and I was living my dream.

But now, 7 years later, it had all gone to shit and I had to beg my little brother for a place to stay. A new low, even for me. I was at his mercy and he loved it. Probably the only reason why he had agreed to help me was to gloat, to shove my face into the fact that he was going on an expensive trip while I was practically homeless. But this wasn't the time for pride, I was desperate. Maybe in the next two weeks I could save some cash for a deposit, get my own place and then go from there.

I knocked on the door and after a minute my brother opened it and frowned deeply when he saw me.

"Oh, it's you." he said despisingly.

"Hi, can I come in?"

He just left the door open and went back to his room, so I followed him.

"I'm not ready yet, go wait in the living room." he ordered.

"Sure."

After maybe 45 minutes he finally came out, with a suitcase in his hand and a bag strapped around his shoulder.

"Here are the rules," he said. "Don't fucking touch any of my shit. You just go in there to sleep, that's it. And when I come back in two weeks, around 6 pm, I want you to be fucking gone, like you've never been here. You got that?"

Fuck you little brother, I thought to myself.

"Sure."

"That'll be 200 bucks."

I frowned.

"I thought you're letting me stay here for free."

"I'm not running a fucking charity and you're lucky I'm not charging you more. So take it or leave it."

Thanks a lot, you piece of shit.

"I'm completely tapped out right now, can I pay you when you get back ?"

"God damn it, you're so worthless, literally. Fine, leave it on my desk, but it better all be there."

Yeah, right, I'll take a dump on your desk, asshole.

"Of course."

He shook his head and started to head out.

"Hey, what about your roommate? How does he feel about me staying here?" I asked.

"I don't give a shit how that fucking faggot feels."

I clenched my fists.

"But you've told him, right ?"

"Yeah, but he probably didn't hear me, cause he was too busy staring at my crotch. Fucking pervert. Hey, if you rough him up for me I'll knock off 20 bucks of your rent. How about it?"

Suddenly I felt a longing to hear the sound of his teeth breaking.

"No thanks."

"Fuck you. You really are worthless. I should kick you out right now. You're lucky I don't have time to deal with your sorry ass."

No, you're the lucky one, cause I would've broken you in half and thrown you out of the window.

He just shook his head again, groaned dismissively and left. I felt the need to go to the gym, to let off some steam.

When I was still a fighter I mentioned "Doug's gym" a couple of times and got him a lot of new members, so he owed me, which is why he let me work out for free. I was really grateful for that, because it kept me sane.

I went to Nate's room, put down my bag and started to change the linen. I was almost done when I heard someone coming through the front door. Nate's roommate was my guess, so I hurried out to greet him.

I wanted to get along with him and I figured he was gay and he probably hated my brother too, so we had two things in common already. I was hoping that we could even become friends, because I was kind of lonely and could really use one.

I went looking for him, but it seemed that he had already disappeared into his room, so I knocked. When he opened the door I was taken aback a little. He was small, maybe 5'7", very skinny, short brown hair, green eyes and a delicate face. Really cute, but he also looked kind of young and fragile. Compared to him I was a giant. Probably more than twice his weight, 8" taller and my arms were bigger than his upper thighs. For some reason he was glaring at me.

"What the fuck do you want?" he asked angrily.

"Hi, I'm Dom. I'm gonna stay here for the next two weeks."

"I don't give a shit. Now get the fuck out of my way."

I took a step back and he stormed past me into the kitchen, got a soda from the fridge, hurried back to his room, without even looking up at me, and slammed the door in my face.

Damn, that went well. He must think I'm like my brother. No wonder he doesn't want anything to do with me, I thought to myself.

I packed my backpack and went to the gym. When I came back, three hours later, he was in the kitchen, cooking something very greasy, judging from the smell of it. I had picked up some groceries on the way, mostly fruits and vegetables. I stopped in front of the counter and contemplated for a second if I should put them away now or wait till he was done. He noticed and glared at me.

"What the fuck are you looking at? You're not getting any of my food!" he said.

"I don't want that greasy shit. It would probably give me heartburn. You shouldn't eat that either."

"Fuck you!"

I almost laughed. He was so over the top rude and aggressive it was kind of comical.

"Anyway, I just wanted to put away my groceries, if that's alright with you?" I said.

"No, I'm in here now, so fuck off."

"Fine."

I went to Nate's room and lay down on the bed. After a while I dozed off. When I woke up it was dark outside and my stomach growled, so I got up, took my groceries and went to the kitchen. He was sitting on the couch, watching TV. I washed and cut some fruits, put them on a plate and went over to the living room.

"Hey, do you mind if I watch some TV with you?" I asked.

"I'm watching CSI in 10 minutes, so fuck off."

"That's fine. Can I sit down ?"

"Whatever."

I took a seat.

This is my chance, I thought. I'll be damned if I don't get this guy to like me, I mean, your enemy's enemy is your friend, right? So we should be best buds in no time. He just has to realize that I'm more or less the opposite of my brother.

I really needed someone to talk to, it had been a while since I had a friend and I was a little starved from some company. But he was a challenge that was for sure.

"What's your name?" I asked casually.

"It's none of your fucking business."

"I'm gay too, you know?"

"I have a Taser. I'll use it." he said, stormed off to his room and came back with a fucking Taser in his hand. He sat down and put it next to him, so I could see it. I couldn't help it, I had to smile. This was just too much. I had every intention to make nice with him, but now he was just asking for it. I had to fuck with him, just a little bit.

"A guy tasered me once. It stung, but it didn't stop me for a second," I said.

True story.

He hugged his legs to his chest and started to cry. I was stunned and it suddenly hit me. Shit, he was scared, he was really fucking scared and he had been the whole time. That's why he was so aggressive, he was trying to appear tough. He probably thought I was here to make him move out, which wasn't even that far off the truth. The poor guy, he looked so vulnerable, it was heartbreaking.

"This guy probably didn't get me right or the thing wasn't fully loaded. I bet you could knock me on my ass with yours," I said.

I should've just said that I had lied, but my ego didn't let me. The fact that I was unstoppable was one of a few things that made me feel good about myself.

He didn't react, he just kept crying.

"I would never hurt you... or touch you, in any way, I swear," I said.

Still no reaction.

"My brother is a fucking asshole."

That got his attention. He seemed to calm down a bit and for a second he looked in my direction. And then I realized that even if he now was convinced that I wasn't a threat, he was still embarrassed.

"I'll leave you alone now. I'm sorry. Good night."

I left and I didn't see him again that night. When I went to the bathroom, to get ready for bed, he was already gone.

The next day I had a great idea. I went to one of those stores, where they sell all kinds of cheap shit for under a dollar, bought a makeup-kit, lipstick, a hair barrette with a flower on it and some really tacky earring-clips, all for less than 5 bucks. When I came back to the apartment I knocked on his door and after a few seconds he opened it. He looked really uncomfortable and avoided my eyes.

"Hi. I was thinking, we should even things out a little. I bought this stuff, make-up mostly, so you can make me look like a transvestite and then take some pictures. That way, I'd be embarrassed as fuck and you'd have something to hold over my head. What do you think?" I said and smiled proudly.

"No thanks." he answered softly and closed his door.

I figured my idea was way too good to let it go to waste, so I went to the bathroom and started to paint my face. Half an hour later I looked like a fucking insane, beat up transvestite hooker, so I went back to his door and knocked again. When he saw me his eyes widened. I pursed my lips and put on a surprised expression. He started to laugh. His whole face suddenly changed, he looked different, vibrant, happy. It was a beautiful thing to watch.

"I'll get my camera," he said.

I made some faces for him, like putting my finger in my mouth and looking seductive or coy or blowing him a kiss. He couldn't stop cracking up and took a lot of pictures. When we were done he smiled at me.

"How do you know I won't post these on Facebook or something?" he asked.

"I have no idea what you just said."

Technology was a mystery to me.

"You know, put them on the internet?"

"I guess one of us has to start trusting the other, so I just pray that I didn't just make a horrible fucking mistake. But my brother doesn't seem to like you, so you're probably a really cool guy."

"What if I do post them, will you beat me up?"

"No, I won't, but please don't, alright?"

"Ok. Why are you so nice to me?"

"Why wouldn't I be? Besides, you're putting up with me staying here, so it's the least I can do."

"Are you really gay?"

"Yes, but I'm not out and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Does your brother know?"

"Hell no. He wouldn't let me stay here if he did."

"I see."

"I have to go wash this shit off my face."

"Ok, see you later. I'm Jesse by the way."

"Nice to meet you Jesse. See you later."

"And Dom?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," he said sincerely.

I had to work, so I didn't see him again that day, but when I got up around 11 the next morning and went to the bathroom he was sitting in the living room, reading.

"Good morning. Do you want some breakfast? I made porridge, do you want me to heat it up for you?" he asked.

"No thanks."

"I could put some bananas or something in it."

"I'm not hungry."

"Oh, ok, I'll just throw it out then," he said sadly and looked down. I felt bad instantly. He was just trying to do something nice for me.

"On second thought, I'd like some please. Plain is fine"

He looked up at me and smiled.

He is fucking adorable, I thought to myself.

"Coming right up," he said cheerfully.

When I came out of the bathroom there was a bowl waiting for me at the living room table, so I sat down and started eating. Jesse was watching me expectantly.

"It's really good, thanks," I said and he smiled.

"Do you have any plans for dinner yet? I could make whatever you like."

"That's really not necessary."

"But it's more fun to cook for two anyway, so it's no problem."

"What would you normally have?"

"Probably burgers or something. But I could make a salad. How about that?"

"Sure. If it's no trouble."

"Of course not. Do you wanna watch a movie with me later? You can choose and I'll pick it up at the video store."

This is getting strange, I thought. Two days ago he seemed to hate my guts and now he wants to be my best friend? Maybe he feels guilty. That's probably it.

"You know, it's not that I don't appreciate it, but you don't have to try so hard. I mean, I don't blame you for treating me like shit. So just relax, alright?"

He frowned very deeply.

"Try so hard?! Fuck you!" he said angrily and stormed off to his room.

I guess that was the wrong thing to say.

I knocked on his door and he opened it, but avoided my eyes.

"I'm sorry," I said, "I'm not used to being treated nicely. It's been a while and I obviously can't handle it. Please don't take it personally, alright?"

"Fine. Dinner's at 4," he said grimly and slammed the door in my face.

At 4 pm he pounded on my door.

"Get the fuck out here!" he yelled from the other side and I complied.

He was waiting for me in the living room and there were two big plates on the table with salad piled on it, so I sat down.

"I don't think I can eat that much," I said.

"Shut the fuck up and eat, you rude asshole."

"Yes, sir," I answered, grinning a little.

I took my fork and tried the salad. I was surprised how good it tasted. He really knew what he was doing.

"This is great," I said.

"I know."

"What's in the dressing?"

"In mine, onions, vinegar, cream and a couple of spices. In yours, the same, and my piss."

I almost choked when I burst out laughing.

"Really? I can't tell. It doesn't taste like sulfur."

His eyes widened and I could tell that he was trying hard to suppress a laugh.

"Very funny. I get it, I'm a demon, but wouldn't I spit fire? So my saliva had to be sulfur, not my piss. You're a fucking moron."

"No, you don't spit fire, you spit acid."

He stayed serious.

"Keep it up and next time I actually will piss in your food."

"You're right, I'm sorry. So, what do you study?"

"Voodoo."

"Interesting."

"What you do you do, except for attacking Tokyo every once in a while?"

"Nothing really, I have two part time jobs, both shitty."

"Why don't you learn a real job? Or do you like being a looser bum?"

"It's not that easy. I kind of had a drinking problem for a while and also, I lost everything I had. Now I'm still trying to piece my life back together."

"So you did have a real job once?"

"Yeah, I was a mixed martial arts fighter. But then I broke my back and it all went downhill from there."

"Oh my god, you broke your back?"

"I'm fine. It just ended my career as a fighter."

"Were you any good?"

"Yeah, I'd say so. Didn't help me though."

"What was your song, when you came in?"

"The theme from 'Terminator 2'."

He laughed.

"You're shitting me, aren't you?"

"No, why?"

"That's kind of deranged. Were you a villain, did they boo you?"

"You're thinking of wrestling and no, they didn't."

"Same difference. What color were your speedos?" he asked and giggled.

"Again, that's wrestling, I wore shorts, like a boxer."

"And you just attacked each other any way you knew how, without any rules?"

"No, there are quite a few rules actually."

"Like what?"

"You can't attack your opponents eyes, groin, throat, spine, the back of their heads or any orifices for example."

"Orifices..." he repeated and burst out laughing.

"Even insults are prohibited."

"That's so fucking lame. It must have been really hard for you not to 'attack' any orifices."

He couldn't stop laughing.

"Very mature."

"No, seriously, think about it, you could've just said mouth, cause really, what else is there to attack or did they set that rule cause fighters were constantly giving each other wet willies?"

"There's also the nose."

"Come on, you work out like a body builder and learn all kinds of different martial arts just to shove a finger up someone's nose? That's ridiculous."

"Apparently it happened, so now there's a rule against it."

"It's a stupid sport anyway. Who in his right mind would voluntarily let himself get beaten up on a regular basis? Normal people try to avoid fights, you know?"

"Well, it's exciting to compete with the world's best fighters and if you're good you usually don't get hurt that badly."

"I thought you were good and a broken back is pretty fucking bad, wouldn't you say so?" he said mockingly.

"It was an accident."

"I can't believe you even got health insurance as a fighter."

"I didn't."

"What? Are you joking?"

"No, how do you think I went broke?"

"I don't know, you said you were an alcoholic."

"How much do you think it's humanly possible to drink in a day? Like two bottles of vodka maybe? That's 10 bucks, 300 a month."

"Oh yeah, I'm the moron here."

"It was just bad luck."

"No, the word you're looking for is 'insanity'."

"Yeah, maybe it was," I said ruefully. Jesse studied me for a second and frowned.

"You know, I have to say, make-up seems to really be your thing. I mean, you can't tell that your skin is actually green."

"What, I'm an alien now?"

"No, the incredible Hulk? Well, more like the incredibly stupid Hulk."

"To you, Yoda must seem like the Hulk."

"You're such an asshole," he said, but had to grin a little.

I was about two-thirds done with my salad and started to get full, so I slowed down. Suddenly he ripped the plate out of my hand.

"That's enough," he said. "The way you look I'm afraid that if you eat too much you're gonna explode."

"Don't you eat it though, you've already eaten twice your body weight, so you might explode too."

"Fuck you. I'll put in in the fridge, in case you get hungry later."

"Thanks. So, seriously, what do you do, aside from voodoo?"

"I study architecture."

"Oh, so you wanna become an architect?"

"No, a belly dancer."

"Why architecture?"

"Cause it's amazing. You get to create things that will possibly last for centuries and which are not only functional, but beautiful and shape the lives of countless people, the way they live and what they see every day."

"I've never thought about it that way. But there must come a lot of responsibility and pressure with it, right? Cause if you miscalculate something and the house turns out unstable they'd have to tear it down. Or if the roof caves in and kills someone, who's gonna pay for all that?"

"The insurance company."

"But you'd be fucked, right? Your career would be over?"

"If someone gets killed, probably, yes."

"So it's a big investment and you're putting it all on the line with every new project."

"You're better not trying to compare architecture to fighting, cause that would be fucking offensive."

"Fine, I won't then. So, are you in a fraternity?"

"No, they're for assholes."

"But they sure seem like a lot of fun."

"I'm fine on my own."

"Wait, but you do have friends, right?"

"That's none of your business."

"It would kind of make sense. You don't really seem like the college type."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You swear a lot."

"Are you saying I don't seem sophisticated enough? Well, I have to dumb it down for you, don't I?"

"I didn't mean to be condescending."

"Well, I did, so fuck you."

"You know what? Thanks for the salad. See you around."

"No, wait... I'm sorry, ok?"

"It's alright, but I have to go soon anyway. I wanna hit the gym before work."

"Yeah, that's what you need, more muscles, cause you're not enough of a grotesque monstrosity already. And what about watching a movie?"

"Maybe tomorrow?"

"Whatever."

He looked disappointed.

"I'd rather stay here with you, but I have to stick to my routine. My body is the only good thing I have left."

"Fine."

I went to the gym and to work afterwards. I was a bouncer at a club and occasionally people liked to pick a fight with me, just to see if they can take me. That night I got punched in the face. Shit happens. The next morning, on my way to the bathroom, Jesse saw my bruised lip.

"Oh my god, did you get into a fight?" he asked.

"I guess. You should see the other guy though. But wait, you can't, he's dead."

"Very funny. So what happened?"

"Some drunk asshole caught me off guard. He went down after just one punch though. I think I broke his jaw."

"Poor guy."

"Poor guy? He attacked me, for no reason."

"Well, you bring that out in people. I mean, I wanna attack you right now."

"Oh, do you?" I said and charged at him, intending to tickle him or something. He turned serious instantly, quickly took a few steps back till he hit a wall and looked at me fearfully.

Shit, he is still scared of me.

I stopped and held up my hands.

"I'm sorry. I was just messing around, I wasn't gonna do anything," I said.

"I know," he replied sullenly and clearly embarrassed.

"I have an idea. Punch or kick me as hard as you can, where ever you want, anything goes. That'll show you how much self-control I have and that you have nothing to fear from me."

"What?"

"Come on, really put your back into it."

I closed my eyes, clenched my fists and braced myself for the impact. Suddenly I felt Jesse wrapping himself around my body. I opened my eyes and hugged him back. After a couple of seconds he let go and started to walk to his room.

"Dinner's at 4. You're staying for a movie afterwards, won't you?" he said.

"Sure, I wouldn't miss it."

"You better not, or I'll draw dicks on all your clothes with permanent marker."

I laughed.

"See you later."

At 4 we had dinner again, pasta with spinach sauce.

"I'll have to work out an extra hour tomorrow at the gym, but it's worth it, this is amazing," I said.

"You're just not used to real food, that's all."

"Well, you don't have to watch your weight, but I'm trying to keep my body-fat down. And there's nothing wrong with healthy food."

"No, but I'm guessing you only eat those vegetables and fruits I saw in the fridge, don't you?"

"Yeah. So?"

"That's one-sided. It's fine for a while, but in the long run you need more variety."

"Who do you think someone would rather listen to when it comes to nutrition, you or me?"

"Who in his right mind would starve themselves like that? You're not even a fighter anymore, so why not indulge yourself every once in a while? When was the last time you had a burger or chocolate? And just for the record, if people see you, they're not wondering what you eat to get that muscular, but what kind of steroids you use, so I think they'd rather listen to me. "

"People see you and they look for bite marks on your index finger from making yourself throw up."

"You fucking asshole!" he said spitefully and got up.

"No, I'm sorry, that was a stupid thing to say. It's just that I don't know a lot, but I do know how to stay healthy, so I get a little defensive about it. I didn't mean to be an asshole, please sit down."

He gave me a sharp look, but sat back down.

"I guess you do know more about nutrition than me, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong either and I'm not fucking bulimic."

"Of course you're not and you're right, maybe I am overdoing it a little."

"Whatever."

"So, have you finished my voodoo-doll yet?" I asked, trying to lighten up the mood.

"No, it's too much of a hassle. I'd need a huge potato sack, a whole lot of garbage to fill it with, a balloon for the head, something very tiny and limp for your dick and a pickax instead of needles. And for what? If you'd suddenly jerk your arm against a wall or fall down, the whole building might collapse."

"Yeah, I didn't even try to make one of you. I mean, I don't have a microscope."

"Very funny. You know, I could probably take you in a fight."

"Oh really?" I asked, grinning.

"Yeah, I'm a lot smarter than you and faster too."

"It would be like a mouse trying to fight a rhino. The only way the mouse could win is if the rhino would swallow it and then choke to death."

"You're gonna choke on my first, asshole," he said and raised his fists. I quickly took both of his arms and held them together at his wrists with my left hand.

"What the..."

He struggled and tried to pry open my hand, but couldn't.

"Oh my god, let me go right now!" he demanded.

"Just use your superior intellect and think yourself out of it."

"I'm not kidding, you're gonna be sorry."

"I can do this all day."

"You're hurting me."

I let go of him instantly.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. Are you alright?"

"Ha!"

He got up, climbed behind me on the couch and took me into a choke hold, which made me smile.

"Aw, you're hugging me. How sweet," I said.

"I'm just demonstrating that I could easily beat you. If I wanted to, you'd be dead already."

I pretended to pass out and collapsed backwards on top of him. He gasped.

"Oh my god, you weight a ton. Get the fuck off me, right now!"

He tried to free himself, but he was trapped under me.

"You're crushing me, get off, please," he said and I quickly got up.

He glared at me.

"Are you alright?"

He jumped at my legs and tried to push them together, to make me fall down, so I grabbed him around the waist and threw him over my shoulder.

"I think it's time to cool you off. A nice cold shower should do the trick," I said and started to walk to the bathroom with him.

"You wouldn't dare. Put me down or I'll murder you in your sleep."

"Keep talking and I'll shave off your eyebrows too."

We arrived in the bathroom and I pulled back the shower curtains.

"No, wait. I give up."

"You still think you could take me?"

"No, I can't. Now put me down."

I gently put him down. He looked at me angrily and we started to walk back to the living room.

"I fucking hate you," he mumbled.

"What did you just say?" I asked warningly.

"Nothing," he said defiantly.

"That's what I thought."

"I need to get me a gun."

"The recoil of a gun would probably launch you like a rocket."

"Fuck you."

We sat back down on the couch.

"You know, if you'd catch me off guard and be vicious enough, you probably could take me," I said.

"Don't fucking patronize me... and hell yeah I could."

"Have you ever been in a fight?"

"No."

"Well, good for you."

"How much do you work out?"

"Three times a week, for two hours."

"That little? That can't be right."

"It's not about how much you train, but how effectively and also, you need to give your muscles time to rest for them to grow."

"How long does it take to look like you?"

"Maybe eight months, if you're disciplined enough."

"You have washboard abs, don't you?"

"Yes."

"Lift up your shirt. I wanna touch them."

"What? Why?"

"Don't flatter yourself, I just wanna know what they feel like. We're not having sex."

"Yeah, right, sex with you? I can picture it now. 'Don't fucking look me in the eyes!... My grandmother gives better head than you!... Oh my god, that's the biggest dick I've ever seen!'" I said in a girly voice and Jesse giggled.

"Shut up and show me your abs already."

I lifted up my shirt and he started to curiously touch and poke my abs.

"Stop flexing them for a second," he said.

"I'm not."

"Get the fuck out. Flex them then."

I did. His eyes widened and his mouth opened a little.

"That's just unnatural," he said and started probing my abs again.

"Now it's your turn," I said after a minute.

"I don't have any abs."

"Sure you do."

He hesitantly lifted up his shirt. I quickly put my finger in his belly button and wiggled it around. He jerked back and giggled.

"Stop that, you might accidentally poke a hole in me."

"You're right, you're like a piece of paper."

"I am not. Hey, how come you don't smell like anything?"

"What do you mean?"

"You just smell like you, not like any products. Don't you at least use shampoo or deodorant?"

"No, too expensive, but I don't sweat easily, cause my resting heart rate is very low. Why? Does it bother you?"

"I guess not, it's just weird."

"Well, you smell like a drug store delivery truck crashed into another drug store delivery truck. I don't see how that's better."

"You know who else don't use any products? Animals."

I grunted loudly and we both laughed.

"You don't have a boyfriend, do you?" he asked.

"No."

"When was the last time you had one?"

"Never."

"You've never had a boyfriend, ever?"

"No."

"So you were always by yourself? That's fucking sad."

"Well, I had a cat once, but I accidentally sat on her and the next day she was gone. My guess is that she squeezed herself through a tilted window."

He laughed.

"No way, you're making that up."

"Unfortunately no."

"You really are a menace, the poor thing probably died."

"Yeah, so you better not fall asleep on the couch while I'm around."

"Well, the ground will be trembling when you come stomping by, so I think I'll wake up. The cat must've been used to it already."

"So, what about your love life?"

"I had a boyfriend once, but I don't wanna talk about that piece of shit."

"That bad?"

"Yes."

"Maybe I was better off alone after all."

"Yeah, probably."

"Do you wanna watch a movie now?"

"Sure, let me make some popcorn. Do you want it salty or sweet?"

"I don't want any. I have some carrots though, we could eat those. Would be much healthier."

"Do I look like a fucking rabbit to you?"

"No, you look like an earthworm."

"Fuck you and don't be an asshole, I make it myself, it's awesome."

"Fine, sweet then."

We both went to the kitchen and while he made the popcorn I washed the dishes. When it was all done we got back on the couch.

"What are we watching?"

"The new 'Star Trek'-movie."

"I don't know, I usually avoid science fiction. I don't get present day technology, so I'll probably be lost and isn't 'Star Trek' kind of brainy?"

"To you the teletubbies are brainy. This is a cool movie, you'll like it and you can just ask if you don't get something."

"Fine."

He turned on the TV, put in the DVD and we started watching.

"Why aren't they floating around? I mean, there's no gravity in space, right?" I asked.

"Cause it's a fucking movie, dumbass."

I laughed.

During the movie my back started to hurt, so I leaned forward and sat on the edge of the couch.

"What's wrong?" Jesse asked.

"It's my back, it acts up sometimes."

"Do you want me to give you a massage?"

"Thanks, but it doesn't come from tense muscles. Besides, with your feeble, boney little hands it would probably feel like two spiders crawling around my back."

He laughed.

"You asshole. I have an iron grip."

"Like an iron paperclip maybe."

"Fine, I was grossed out by the thought of touching you anyway."

"You know I'm kidding, right? I do appreciate the offer."

"What about painkillers? I have some in the bathroom, would they help?"

"Yeah, but I don't wanna put you out like that, they're expensive."

"Don't be stupid."

He went to get the painkillers and when he came back he handed me two pills from the bottle and a glass of water.

"Thanks."

"You can keep the rest."

"No, I can't"

"Don't fucking argue with me, it's no big deal and you need them more than me. Besides, I'm not a broke ass bum like you, I can just buy another bottle."

"Alright, thanks."

We continued watching the movie. To my surprise I did actually enjoy it and we had a nice time.