Decisions Of Love - 1. Chapter 1

"A MISUNDERSTANDING??? No...I hardly think this is a misunderstanding!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. It had been four months, four long months, that we had been going out. It was always Josh and Mark, Mark and Josh, we were as close as two 16 year old boys could be. When we met, Mark was everything to me, my friend, my confidant, everything. I trusted him with so much, and there were times when I actually felt safe enough to cry on his shoulder. We had been laughing together for so long that I never even saw the betrayal coming. It was at a party just three days ago, and I couldn't believe my eyes. I didn't know what to do. Should I cry? Should I get mad? Should I strangle them both and make them hurt physically as much as I was hurting emotionally? Should I just walk away and make an effort to forget the last four months of my life? Where was MY answer? Where was MY shoulder to cry on, MY salvation, MY friendly voice to tell me everything was going to be alright? All that confidence, all that joy and pride that love had brought into my life...where was it now? I never believed in the idea of being too hurt to cry...not until that night.

Mark and I had been going out for about 2 months when Roger came into the picture. Now that I looked back at it, I was just as big a sucker as he took me for. Roger was one of those kids who people figured was just too good looking to be gay. He was athletic, liked sports, had medium length brown hair, brown eyes to die for, and a voice that could lure anybody into his trap. And I, like an idiot, actually welcomed the son of a bitch with open arms, inviting him to hang out with us, giving him every opportunity to hurt me this way. I was stupid enough to let myself be taken advantage of, so how could I blame HIM for what happened? How someone can just rip the lover out of someone else's arms with no conscience at all is something I will never understand.

Mark, on the other hand, was more than I had ever dreamed of. Golden brown hair cut short at his temples, a pair of sexy dimples, and delicious kissable lips. He was seductively slim and had the cutest little butt I'd ever seen on a guy. His blue-green eyes captivated me from the very first time I saw them. I had never really been in love before, never knew how warm another boy's embrace could be, never realized how much someone could touch my life and make me feel so incredibly special. I would have done anything, ANYTHING, to make him happy! I would have practically taken a bullet for the bastard at this point. But despite the warning signs and the strategies against me, I believed in our relationship. Too strongly evidently. I closed my eyes to it all. I denied, and I denied, and I denied....thinking that our love was stronger than anything that man or beast could throw our way. Why should I be threatened, why would I have to fight for my love? I already had it. We were a couple, I never thought Roger would be able to damage that with his slimy tactics. I was wrong.

Roger moved himself in, little by little, so skillfully that I didn't see it happening until it was too late. The two of them started laughing together more and more, sharing more and more, whispering more and more, until it came to that horrific image that blinded me from love forever. And it all happened one Friday night at a party.

My best friend in the whole world, Todd, told me that Mark and I were a cute couple, that I had nothing to worry about. Todd was always there for me, always trying to help me out. Even when I first came out to him at age 14, he understood, and kept it a secret until it was time for me to make the announcement about myself to a few more people. He was even responsible for getting the two of us together, helping me by telling me what to do, what to say, how to get Mark to notice me in the first place. And I was sure that I'd spend the rest of the night crying on his shoulder tonight, but first, I had to get this out, loud and clear. Mark was going to hear this whether he liked it or not. The nerve of him tracking me down after work in the parking lot. I was walking to the bus stop with my schoolbag in hand, when he stepped out from around the corner and told me we had to talk. Yeah, he BET we did!

"Josh, please...just listen to me for a second, okay?" He said, actually looking sad. As if I was gonna care. It was much too late to apologize now.

"What could you possibly have to say to me? What are you gonna tell me that's gonna make me feel any better or worse about how you hurt me, Mark?"

"Josh, it was...it just kind of happened..."

"No...you know what? This didn't just happen! This has been building for two whole months now! I'm the idiot for not seeing this coming right at me!" I was furious. I didn't necessarily want to be screaming in the parking lot, but it was hard to contain myself. After two whole months of turning my back and refusing to believe the obvious, I wasn't about to pull punches now.

"I never meant to hurt you like that, Josh. I love you. I always have, and the thing with Roger was a mistake, alright?"

"A mistake? When I realized how long you had left me alone at that party all by myself, I went to the bedroom to get my coat. When I get there, what do I see? The two of you carrying on behind my fucking back!"

"It was a harmless kiss! We were both wasted..."

"And that's the best excuse you can come up with? You were wasted? Roger was on top of you, grinding on you like crazy! Your hands were all over his ass! It was FAR from harmless!" I shouted. I tried a million times to wipe the image from my mind. But it was always there, the two of them french kissing, rolling around on top of everyone's jacket at the party. How could someone that I loved so much hurt me like this? Like he didn't care. I have spent my whole life praying to God to send me someone who could love me, be there for me, love me. Just a companion to walk side by side with, a person that I could live in harmony with. I would've given him the moon and the stars. But he chose Roger. I would have shouted how much I loved him from the highest mountain tops if he asked me to. But he chose Roger. I was there for him when he needed love and attention. But he chose Roger. And having him tell me it was a mistake only made it worse, because it meant that the best and first love of my life is over because of a six pack and pretty face.

"Please...Josh..." Mark stuttered, his eyes filling up with tears, his hands reaching for mine. "Please understand. Are you gonna throw everything away because of one night?"

"One night? No. I'm walking away from you because of all the times you hurt me and I shrugged it off. I'm tired of listening to your problems, giving you all the love I have in my heart to spare, and watching you give it to somebody ELSE! You hurt me more than I have ever been hurt before in my LIFE, and now you want me to understand? When you were insisting that Roger accompany us everywhere we went, I understood. When I would come over to your house after school to be with you and found him there first, I understood. When the two of you were going out to the movies and Cubs games and talking and laughing on the phone until dawn...I understood. But I can't do this anymore. I can't let you punish me anymore than you already have. I don't have any love left for you. I hardly have enough left for myself after this." I started to walk away, tears now welling up in my eyes, a mixture of anger and sadness, unable to even look at him. I meant what I said, every word of it. But it hurt for the words to leave my mouth. Because it meant that I had to relive the whole ordeal, and it was the last thing I wanted to do right now.

Mark, wiped his tears away, but they were replaced by new ones just as fast. "What do you want from me? What will make this go away? I want to be with you, Josh. I want us to go back to how it was...I can't lose you. Me and Roger are just good friends and we both feel bad about this."

"Really? I don't see HIM here. Where is HIS apology? Let me guess...he 'hopes' I feel better, and he's there if I need him? Maybe he sends his love? Am I close?" Mark didn't seem to have an answer for that, and I could tell from the look on his face that Roger didn't really care one way or the other how I felt. I was still beyond upset, beyond hurt, but I was in love with Josh once. We had been through some great times, had some great laughs, had some great sex, and a history of being good friends as well as lovers. So I lowered my voice a little and put my hand on his shoulder. Not so much out of sympathy, but out of respect. "I didn't think so. You and Roger...you are not just friends, you did plan on this happening whether you know it or not, and I can't be a part of this. Find Roger and cry on his shoulder tonight...that's his job now. I can't watch you two together and pretend it isn't happening anymore."

Mark looked crushed. Maybe depressed that he got caught, maybe realizing how much he'll miss my friendship and my love, maybe just fake tears to fool me into sticking around for more emotional abuse. Who knows? It wasn't my problem anymore. "No matter what happened, Josh......it doesn't mean I love you any less." He sobbed.

"No...it just means that you love him more, and I can't sit here and be a boyfriend for you to fall back on when you need your spirits lifted. I need someone who will be there for me as much as I am for them. You two will find a way to be happy, I'm sure."

"I just don't understand why you're doing this." Mark said, basically crying pathetically as he sat down on the curb, crumbled and broken. Normally, I would have rushed to his to aid, I would have picked him up and said anything to make him happy. But it had been two months of whispers. Two months of lies, of secret rendezvous, of them chatting back and forth online, of hanging out, of Roger finding ways to constantly exclude me from their activities, of ignoring me to be with each other...and the kiss was the last straw. I had become detached, desensitized, and completely free of anything even resembling sympathy for him or his problems. Him and his new boyfriend can work that out on their own. I wish I could say that I wanted him to be happy, but I didn't. I wanted him to be miserable, to realize every bit of pain and suffering that he put me through and have it brought back on him tenfold. I wanted him to finally see what it's like to hurt this way, and figure out that he gave up the greatest love he could hope to ever have for a piece of shallow eye candy.

"Of course you don't understand. Not now. But when Roger realizes that your not a challenge anymore and that I don't care, he'll just go looking for somebody else to sleep with. Maybe then you'll understand why this hurts so much. I would have moved heaven and earth to make you happy Mark, but choosing to go for Roger's love was your decision. And you just can't have both. You'll have to search your memories to get any more love from me." I said, and then I turned to walk away.

I heard crying behind me, I heard him calling after me, then some shouted obscenities as he tried his best to hate me...but I know he didn't. I just kept walking. And as bad as it sounds, it felt good to hurt him. I had my friends, my health, and enough common sense to know that I'm not incapable of finding someone else. The only true question...is where do I go from here?

I made it home, and a strange combination of emotions came over me. I'm not sure if I really DID feel good about setting Mark free that afternoon...or if it was all an act to keep from breaking down in the middle of the street. Just some illusion that I used to make me feel better, an anaesthetic to quickly numb the pain before I realized how deep the gashes were in my soul. I wonder. Because the second I set my bag down on my bedroom floor, my heart broke in half, and lay shattered on either side of my so-called confidence. I stared straight forward for as long as I could, without moving, before the emptiness inside of me swallowed up the remaining strength I had left and sent me face down onto my bed. I doubt a century's worth of tears could relieve the hurt inside. Oh God...why did I keep seeing it?!?! That damn kiss!!! That continuous instant replay that repeated itself over and over and over again. It never left me, and it hurt even more with every re-run. I could just imagine the bliss and enjoyment that Roger was getting out of locking lips with my boyfriend, how incredible it must have felt to know that he was smart enough and hot enough to win over someone who was supposedly so happy. The entanglement of their lips and tongues must have been a huge rush for them both. If only I could scratch the image out of my eyes! Drill it out of my mind! Arrrrgghhh! If only I could fight it somehow. But I couldn't. It just stayed inside of me, swirling around in the pit of my stomach, slowly eating away at me like a virus. It became a parasite that fed off of EVERYTHING! Every shared memory, every trinket and little memento of our relationship, every hope, plan, and desire that I was looking forward to for the rest of my life. And no matter how loud I screamed into the pillow, or soaked it with my tears, or pounded it with my fist...it didn't make the pain go away. Not even for a second.

An hour had passed, maybe two...hell, a WEEK could have passed, and it wouldn't have had any more meaning to me. I listened to the gentle ticking of my clock as the second hand spun around in the same mechanical fashion. Counting down as my life slipped away, one second at a time. And for the first time...it didn't seem to be moving fast enough. I wanted it to be done, over with, gone. Death would have been a welcome consequence if it meant not enduring another moment of this pain.

The phone rang a few times, but I refused to answer. I wanted to believe that it was Mark, that he was on the phone in tears and squirming in TWICE as much agony as I was, if that's even possible. But chances are, it was just my mom telling me that she'd be working late again, or Todd asking me how I was feeling, or some random salesperson or telemarketer. Who know's? Maybe it was just God calling me up to laugh. I couldn't take that. I just let it ring until it finally stopped. I spent the rest of the night hiding out and looking up at the ceiling. You'd be surprised how long you can stare into nothingness when you're heartbroken. Normally I wouldn't even be able to sit still that long. This was going to take time, I know it.

An entire weekend passed, and I only left the house once on Sunday because my mother forced me to pick up some groceries for dinner. Other than that, it was two and a half days of 'pain evasion' at it's best. Believe it or not, by the time Monday rolled around, I was beginning to feel optimistic again. I put on some faith-building music that morning, something to make me feel good again. And each tune spoke to me. They whispered good things in my ear, telling me I'd be fine, I could start again, and I am better off. It was over, he was out of my life, and now it's time to go for someone who would treat me better than he ever could. I was literally smiling on the inside by the time I got to school. If only it had lasted longer than a few minutes, I would have been fine.

I saw them standing together on the front lawn, Mark and Roger, and they were talking. Not so much in an affectionate way, but it hurt me to see them side by side anyway. It was just 'wrong', you know? How can this person that I loved so much, who CLAIMED to love me just as much...possibly exist without me. How? My mind was telling me to forget about him and move on. My heart was telling me to fight for the one I love and push Roger out of the picture. And my body? Well, my body had both fists clenched, ready to walk over there and beat the living shit out of both of them! But that's not really practical, is it? FUN, maybe...but definitely not practical. Besides, the LAST thing I need is a 3 day suspension and more time to stare at the ceiling. So I just looked away. I tried to focus on something different, and just headed on into school. I wasn't looking....but I knew they were there, and chances are they were watching me and laughing at my attempts to ignore them. I really hope they're miserable together.

I did my best to forget about the whole thing. All day I kept my mind occupied. Even when the teachers got boring, I started doodling in my notebook and trying to forget. Trying so hard. But you know what I found out? That Mark had become a piece of my life. My LIFE! Who was I going to talk to? Meet in the hall after class? Eat lunch with? Without Mark, I had to find an entirely different 'schedule' to live by. DAMN him for doing this to me! Where does he get off worming his way into my life and then screwing it up this way? Shit! If only his memory could leave me alone for a few seconds, I might be able to figure out a way to stop thinking about him so damn much. Asshole.

I had made it through to my very last class before finally finding a point where I was feeling somewhat comfortable with the whole situation. At least for now. Then....along came Todd. And he messed it all up. "What's up Josh? How'd the party go?" He had no idea how much that ruined my entire day.

"I don't even want to talk about it." I said.

"That doesn't sound too good."

"It's not. Me and Mark...we're through."

He looked a bit confused, then a pat on the shoulder let me know that he was concerned. "Awww...dude, what happened?"

"I DON'T want to talk about it. Okay?" I was trying not to take my frustration out on him if I could. But it slipped out just a little anyway.

"I'm sorry man. Seriously. Look, if you want to talk later, I'll be around, ok? Just let me know, and I'm there." Sigh...Todd had always been a good buddy. But unfortunately his friendship wasn't going to help me here. It wouldn't be enough to fill the hole that Mark's treachery left inside of me. Not even close.

"Thanks bro. I'll let you know. Promise." And with that, he went to his side of the class, and I stayed on mine. He never pushed me. We had been friends for two years, and in that short amount of time, he was able to finish my sentences, know my moods, and was able to recognize when he should he comfort me, and when he should back off. I sincerely found security in that feeling. It was a special thing to have that in my life. Especially now when I needed his wisdom most.

A week went by with no contact at all with Mark. I saw him at school, in the halls, and once at the mall, but I never spoke. Not ever. I always made it look like I couldn't care less how he was doing. Even though I was dying inside. I wanted him to chase me, to run after me and apologize again and again and again until I was convinced that his love for me was genuine again. But he didn't. I ignored him, and he allowed me to do so. Was there no justice in me setting him free? What the hell was 'karma' waiting for? When was he going to feel the pain and hurt of not having me in his life? When was he going to feel sorry for hurting me? WHEN??? Ah, the hell with it. He HAD his chance, and he blew it. LET him suffer! But...was he suffering? Or was Roger easily filling the space that I left in his life? Who needs these thoughts? Certainly not me.

I went home everyday after school, not answering the phone, never hanging out, never doing anything. For some odd reason, I WANTED to be away from everything. I wanted my absence to mean SOMETHING to SOMEBODY. Even if it wasn't the person I was aiming for. I think that deep down inside, I was selfishly hoping that they would miss me. Maybe even discovering that they couldn't live without me. But as time went on, I was beginning to discover that I didn't mean as much to them as I had once believed. Maybe I really am alone. Does it make me an egomaniac to think that my friends would feel bad about me being sad? Or is life supposed to go on as happily and carefree for them no matter what happens in my life? It's hard to say sometimes. Other than Todd, nobody really seemed to give a shit. And that only added to the hurt inside my heart.

Todd spent the next few days doing what he could to cheer me up. He took me to the movies, even paying for my ticket, went to the beach with me, he even got me to go out to the zoo one Sunday afternoon. But I knew what he was doing. And that somehow spoiled it for me. He was just trying to keep me busy, get me out of the house so that I'd feel better. Instead of sitting in my room and crying my eyes out over somebody that I should be pissed at anyway. But maybe that's what I needed to do. Maybe I just needed to sob and blubber away until I got it all out of my system and forgot about Mark altogether. But no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn't let go of the pain. And the haunting vision of him and Roger kissing kept me awake at night...wishing for his embrace once again.

It was almost a month later when I actually stopped shedding crocodile tears over that bastard. It still felt empty inside, but hardly the sting that it was at the beginning. Was I actually moving on? Who knows? I don't think that a premature end to a relationship is something that you ever get over. You just learn to live with it. The way starving children learn to live off of a single loaf of bread and some rice, I suppose. Todd had been a real pal through the whole thing, and hugged me tight when I finally told him what went on between my boyfriend and the 'beast' at the party. Once the words left my lips, it became a huge weight off of my shoulders. It was as though Todd was there to help me carry it, and his smile was enough to cheer me up when times were at their worst. It wasn't until that Friday night that I really broke down. And nothing had ever felt better.

We were both in his room, just hanging out, and drinking some of his dad's Jack Daniels with our Cokes. It didn't take long for us to get tipsy and start giggling at one another. And that's when he said, "Listen...Josh...if I haven't really said it enough, or made it clear, I just ant you to know that I'm sorry. Ok?"

I flashed him a confused look. "Sorry for what?"

"Well, you know. It was practically my fault. Introducing you to Mark and all. I never thought it would come to this."

"Awwww...dude, no way. Don't apologize for HIM! He knew what he was doing. And I'm...I'm over it now, anyway." I lied. And he could tell.

"Yeah...sure."

"I AM!"

He looked down at his feet, and guzzled the rest of his soda before meeting my eyes again. "Josh...you can do better. Really. You need somebody who can see all of your wonderful quirks and awesome....awesome...beauty...or whatever.." He trailed off.

"He did. At least I thought he did. I don't know."

"He shouldn't have hurt you like that. You..you deserve to be...loved. And cared for. And...fuck it. He shouldn't have hurt you." Then Todd got up to fix himself another drink. Pouring an extra amount of alcohol into his drink this time.

"Dude! That's a bit STRONG, don't you think?" I asked, looking at the ratio of liquor to coke.

"Not tonight it isn't." He replied, and sat back down across from me, taking a few big gulps of it. His face reflected the taste perfectly. Evidently a lot stronger than he thought.

"Are you feeling ok Todd?"

"Um...yeah. Well....no, actually..." He began to stutter, and I waited for him to finish. But he just kept trying to force that stuff down as fast as he could.

"You are going to be awful sick if you keep guzzling like that." I told him.

"Ahhh....liquid confidence." He sighed, putting the half empty glass down by his feet. "Josh...I know that...we've been friends for a long time..."

"Yeah?"

"...And...we've always been close, right? I mean...we have everything in common." He said.

"Sigh...me and Mark used to have everything in common..." I was feeling so bad about the whole thing. He really was a much bigger part of my life than I thought. His touch, his kiss...it meant so much to me. It was so complete, so incredibly special. What are the chances that I'd ever find that again? One in a billion?

"Mark...right. Look...Josh...I guess what I'm trying to say is..."

But I stopped him. "I know what you're saying dude."

"You...you do?"

"Yeah. And you're right. He meant a lot to me. And maybe this isn't something that I should be throwing away over a simple argument. Even if it was his fault."

Todd's eyes squinted briefly while he tried to figure out exactly what I was talking about, then he said, "No...dude...listen..."

"No. Really, I get it. I know that he was unfaithful. And I know that he was the asshole in all of this. But I love him. You know? I just want to hold him again. It's all I think about."

"Josh...I think you're missing the point here." He said. I asked him what the point was, but after looking in my eyes for a few seconds, he told me to forget it. "You....um...you should talk to him. Really."

"You think so?" I asked.

It took him a few moments to answer me, and then he finally said, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever makes you happy. I just...I hate to see you down like this bud." And then he took another big gulp of his drink.

I smiled at him, and then raised my glass to his. "I'll do it. I'll talk to him. And I'll make things right. To hell with Roger! Let him get his own piece of ass! Hehehehe!" And we clinked glasses in a toast to my liberation.

We sat in silence for a short while, and that's when Todd put his, now empty, glass down on the table, and let out a huge sigh. "No...I'm not going to do this again." He mumbled to himself.

"Not going to do what again?"

"You KNOW what. You HAVE to know by now, and I'm not going to just let you run away from me this time without saying something."

He was giving me an intense look, and I suddenly became aware that I have been constantly reading the lines while refusing to read between them. I never thought of myself as being slow...but I have evidently been reading the wrong chapters of my own life story.

I wasn't exactly sure, or maybe I wasn't prepared for what he was thinking. Or maybe I was just denying that it was even possible. So I asked, "Todd...dude...am I making this up? Or are you saying..."

"WHO was there when you were feeling down and out? Me. WHO was the one to let you cry on his shoulder all those times, and worked hard to make you feel better? Me. Who came to visit you when you were sick? Who gave you money when you left yours at home? Who was the one person who was ALWAYS here to listen to you, and do things for you that he wouldn't do for anyone else, and did everything in his power to make you laugh when you needed it most? It WASN'T Mark! It was ME. I did it, and then I had to sit here for months while you went on and on about his kiss, and his touch, and his hair, and his good looks, and his incredible talents in bed. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?"

This still wasn't making any sense. And yet, it was making TOO MUCH sense. "I...I didn't know.."

"DON'T tell me that you didn't know. Just don't, ok? I know. It's MY dumb fault for not saying anything, but I was SCARED! You know? I didn't have the guts to tell you at first, and by the time I found the confidence, you were already so in 'love' that it wouldn't have done any good. But now...if you think I'm going to let you go crawling back to him after what he did to you, and put me through this agony all over again, you're wrong. You're BETTER than that Josh! Don't you get it?"

I was speechless. This was a bit much to handle all at once. "Look, this is kinda...weird for me here. NOT bad...just...weird. I need...I need some time to work things out. Ok?" I said, suddenly looking for a way to distance myself from the whole situation before it drowned out my senses completely. But he grabbed both of my hands before I could leave, and got down on his knee in front of me.

"I'm not asking anything of you other than your attention, ok? That's all. I just need for you to know, and then you can think about this any way that you want later. Ok?" He was struggling for the words, and I became frightened as to what was going to come out of his mouth. He was speaking from the heart, and I wasn't exactly sure how to react. I swear, it was enough to stop me from breathing. "Um...listen...if I've never said it before...that is...ok...what I'm trying to say...to you...now...is..." He closed his eyes, as though looking at me was making him weak, as though my eye contact was keeping him from confessing what he's been waiting to say for much longer than I was ever aware. "...I love you. I have always loved you. A piece of me always will love you. Always." Then, he peeked at me with one eye, looking to see my response. "So...there."

I tried not to look frightened, or interested, or sad, or angry, or have any other recognizable emotion splash across my face. I just sat there with my mouth open, and after the shock wore off enough for me to speak, I just said, "Um......ok."

Todd looked up at me. "Ok?"

"Yeah. I mean...cool." Arrrgh! What am I supposed to say here??? I don't even know how I feel yet. This was too 'out of the blue' for me to have any kind of normal reaction.

"Cool...ok. Um...I understand. Too much. This was just...I shouldn't have...forget it. Forget I even...just forget it. Ok? I'm sorry." He rose to his feet, and turned around to pretend that he was looking for something on his desk. He kept his eyes to the floor, trying not to let his humiliation overwhelm him.

Say something dork! "No...Todd, no. Don't think that I'm not...you know..." Yeah, real good Josh. "I mean, this just caught me by surprise. Alright? I don't exactly know...what I'm supposed to do here."

"Yeah. That's fine. It's ok, really." He said shortly, still never letting his gaze meet mine. He was nervous, I was nervous, the tension in the air almost suffocated us both. I was only making it worse by being there.

"I'm...I'm gonna go. Ok? And NOT because of...not because you...you know..."

"Yeah. Yeah, I know." He said sadly. I walked up behind him, and gave him a huge hug.

"Thank you bud. I'm glad you told me. Really. G'night." I was still completely lost in the art of decent conversation at that point. But he seemed to almost be relieved that I was going. I think maybe he had some issues of his own to work out. I turned to leave, and walked home that night, wondering how I was going to face Todd after this. What was going to change? What could possibly stay the same? My mind was overflowing with thoughts and memories that I had replayed a billion times before. But this time it was different. This time it was clear. It's like finally having the damn subtitles to go along with the foreign film you've been watching. And I thought back to the night Mark and I met. And by the time I had made it home, the thoughts in my mind were almost bringing me to tears. I saw it clear as day. Mark was a friend of Todd's from school. Well, not even a friend really. He just happened to tag along one night, and we began talking. I remember getting to know him a little better, us exchanging numbers, him asking me to hang out at the movies, us talking on the phone at night, even that time Todd was sick with the flu. And I told him that I couldn't make it over to see him, because Mark and I were going out to the lake. I think it only took a few weeks before Mark actually made a move on me. Sure, I thought he was cute, and funny, and smart...but gay? I never would have guessed. Evidently, Todd didn't either. And that must have hurt. Even when I told him that Mark and I were a couple, I was too stupid to realize that he had completely stopped talking to me for weeks. That he was suddenly 'busy', or not answering the phone, or just not interested. But I just kept right on laughing and having fun being in love.

And THAT was the haunting irony of it all. Mark was simply Todd's version of Roger. Worming his way into our lives slowly, stealthily, and eventually taking me away. And it was Todd that was hurting while I smiled in his face and made things twice as bad. I'm just as bad. I am. This SUCKS!

I lay in bed all night, wondering what else I might have screwed up in all of this. I looked back at some of my emails, and I could finally see some of the pain that Todd had so expertly covered with a smile. I began to remember the times that I was supposed to call, and didn't because I was talking to Mark. I remembered taking Mark to the movies with me, when Todd wanted to spend some time alone...and then making him feel like the third wheel. I remembered telling him how awesome it was to not be a virgin anymore, and how good Mark tasted to me, and every graphic detail, while Todd squirmed and tried to grin and bear it all. With every memory, I felt more and more like an asshole. And with that, I felt myself cringe. I had been so abusive to my best friend on the planet, and I didn't even know I was doing it. Hell, when I look back at it all...Todd didn't just confess his love to me that evening. He had been doing it for months, maybe even years! Since the first day that I came out to him. A 14 year old boy, telling another 14 year old, closeted boy that he was gay. Maybe he thought I was joking, maybe he just didn't know what to say, or how to say it. Maybe he didn't love me back then. Maybe he did. Arrrrgh! My head ached with the possibilities. Possibilities that I should have considered a long time ago.

And now came the hard part. Now came the part where I try to figure out how I feel. What to say. Todd was cute, DEFINITELY cute. He was fun, and we did have almost everything in common. He was sensitive, and funny, and beyond trustworthy. Nice body. And I guess we can talk about anything. But...and that's where the 'difficulty' comes into play...am I in love with him? THAT is the real question. I had never really entertained the thought of him being anything more than my best buddy. Ever. He was attractive, but I think I was immune to it, simply because I knew him so well. Or so I thought. It would be like kissing my brother. Or would it? I mean, he only reason I never went after him was because I never thought about it before. Maybe I was seriously missing something here. I mean, maybe I was being a complete idiot and not seeing what was right in front of me. So many teenage boys would DIE for the chance to have Todd look them in the eye and say 'I love you'. What was I doing?

I pondered things over like that for the rest of the night, until I went to bed for the night. And as I lay there in the dark, for the first time, I entertained the sensual thoughts of having sex with my very best friend. It was a bit hard to start at first, wondering what I would do, or say. But when it comes to fantasies, the logic doesn't always HAVE to make sense. Only the pleasure that the illusion brings you. And before long, my mind was focused on Todd and I, kissing, rolling around, our bodies joined as one. He was a virgin, I knew that for a fact. He would be so nervous, so warm, so untouched. His kiss would be incredibly soft. I could guess that from the kind of person that I knew him to be. His skin would be so unbelievably smooth, I remember from touching him in the past, from his tender handshake, from his playful contact when we wrestled around in my room. I tried to picture the pitch of his voice as we made love. Of his boyish whimpers and moans, and how they would resonate in my ears as I kissed his hairless chest. This was the love that I had been missing.

I was so hard that I had to begin stroking myself, taking my hardness in hand and pretending that it was Todd's mouth that was surrounding it. The images swirled around in my head and we changed positions so fast and so many times that it was like watching six different porno films at once. Everything Todd did felt so great, so real...oh God...mmmm. I sped up, already reaching the height of my passion as visions of Todd's nude body on top of mine made me dizzy. My body began to convulse, and our lovemaking became animalistic, an erotic thrashing that no one else would dare to dream about. And as I reached the moment of climax, I thought about the reality of having him next to me, doing this over and over again, for the rest of our lives. We were a pair, a matching set. We always have been. And he loved me. He loved ME!

I splashed all over myself, feeling Todd's gentle kisses all over me, wanting more. Feeling his love for me physically manifesting itself in every possible way. God it felt good. And I stared a the ceiling breathlessly in amazement. This is the piece of my life that I had been denying for so long. Wow...it was fantastic.

I dressed in my best clothes for the next day at school, showering for an extra ten minutes, fixing my hair to look my best. I didn't know how I was going to do it, or how I was going to say it, but I knew that I wasn't going to wait. I wasn't going to let myself wander back into a relationship with someone I couldn't trust, while preventing myself from enjoying the much improved friendship with someone that I already cherished and adored with all my heart. If I hadn't been so blind, I might have been much better off. We both would have. This was it. This was the day that I make my decision...and Mark was nowhere in it.

I spent every free moment between classes hoping that Todd would be lounging around somewhere. But everyone said that they hadn't seen him all day. I knew he'd probably be uncomfortable, and might try to dodge me here and there, but not ditch school. He wasn't necessarily Mr. A-Student but it never stopped him from trying to be, and ditching classes just wasn't his style. Or MINE for that matter. But on that day, I made an exception. I had lost enough time already. Enough of this shit. I'm going to find him. He found the courage to tell me how he felt, and now it's my turn.

I left in between Gym and study hall, and made my way back to Todd's house as quickly as possible. I saw his bike was still there, so I knew he was home. I rang the bell and gathered myself as best as I could for when he opened the door. I could faintly hear him running down the steps and into the living room. He looked through the peephole, and then fell dead silent. LIKE HE Was trying not to let me know that he was on the other side of the door. "Todd?" I said. No answer. "Todd...dude, it's me. C'mon. I know you're there."

There was a pause, then he answered, "What?"

"I just want to talk, ok?"

"Talk about what?"

"Come on Todd, open the door. Please?" I asked. And I swear I could hear his emotions being wrestled with through the door. There was another long pause, and then I finally heard the bolt of the lock click open, and he let me in. "It took you long enough."

"Aren't you supposed to be in school?" He asked. I could tell that he was a bit hurt by my very presence there, but I wasn't going to leave, not now.

"Aren't YOU supposed to be in school? I was worried about ya." I tried to keep myself as lighthearted as possible, but it just didn't work. He saw right through that.

"You don't have to worry about me, you know? I can take care of myself."

"I know...I just...look, I want to talk to you. Ok? That's why I came over. It's about what you said yesterday..." His eyes fell down to the floor again, and he just looked ashamed of himself. It was heartbreaking.

"I told you...forget it."

"No, that's just it. I don't WANT to forget it. I have really been thinking and..."

But he stopped me. "You know what? I don't even want to hear it, ok? I spent all last night trying to bleed out all of the poison that my love for you put inside of me. And the LAST thing I need is for you to be here to inject me with another dose. You don't love me, I get it, it's over with. Done. Your my best friend, and I will always be here if you need me. But for right now...right now, I need some space, ok? Some time away from you so that we can go back to being...friends." No. This wasn't working out at all like I had planned.

"Todd, listen..."

"Dude, please don't tell me that you understand how I feel. Because you have NO idea. No idea at all. I'm really trying to keep myself stable right now. Because I don't know whether I should be madly in love with you or totally hating you right now. And I'm not sure which one is better, because I won't be able to have you either way."

"No...Todd...listen..." But Todd was beginning to cry now, and he kept stopping me.

"And DON'T tell me that you're not what I want or need. Because I have known you for a long time now, and I see your wonderful qualities in all of their brilliance. And everything that you do, and everything that you say, and everything that you are, just...turn me on. And I know you probably hate that, but that's not going to change anything."

"TODD! Will you shut up for a minute and let me..."

"And PLEASE don't say that I'm better off with someone else, because there IS no one else. There never has been anyone to make me feel this way. Not ever...and you just...you're just so..."

He was crying harder now, with tears running down his cheeks, and there was only one way to shut him up. I walked over quickly, and held the sides of his face in my hands, bringing him in quickly for a long kiss on the lips. I could feel him gasp for air as the unexpected smooch hit his mouth, and his knees went weak. I broke the lip lock, and watched as he stood there, eyes closed, mouth open, and completely speechless. Then it was my turn to speak. "I love you Todd." And it was then that he finally exhaled again.

We went to his room, kissing every bit of the way, not uttering a single word, and removing pieces of clothing in the hallway. This was it, a wonderful experience for the both of us. We were both in our boxers, hot, and ready to go. However...when we laid back on his bed and began kissing passionately, our tongues licking one another in the most erotic way, I felt something that I didn't expect to feel. A strange 'familiarity' that bugged me somehow. And it was as if the words were whispered to my brain from my heart itself. It said..."You're kissing your brother." Because that's exactly what it felt like. It was GOOD, believe me! He was an even better kisser than I had imagined. But something was missing. A part of the passion was just absent, and this wasn't a fantasy anymore. I did my best to ignore it, trying to get into it more and more. Letting my body react instead of thinking of the details so much. I rubbed and touched him all over, and he did the same for me. But I just wasn't feeling it the same way that I did in my dreams the night before. And after making out for a few more minutes, I don't think he was either.

We groped each other's privates for a while longer, even after the kissing had stopped, and our hard ons were in dire need of attention, but neither one of us wanted to make that move. I looked over at him and I could see it in his eyes. He could see it in mine. This just...wasn't meant to be. This wasn't some flawless image in our minds, where the sex is great, the problems are nonexistent, and everyone that you want wants you back. This was real, and this was my best friend. If we went through with this, even with our bodies SCREAMING for it to happen...we would have regretted the changes it caused. This wasn't love...this was just a very vivid wet dream. One that would have ended with the 'money shot', just like all the others. And he meant more to me than that.

"This is...this is kinda..." He stumbled.

"Weird?" I answered.

"Hehehehe...yeah. Weird. But GOOD!!! I mean, you're not..."

"Yeah, I know. You're good too. Sigh...this really could have been fun. You know?" I said, finally removing my hand from the front of his boxers.

"Maybe. Look...maybe this shouldn't...we shouldn't do this right now. Or at least slow down."

I knew that his solution was probably the best. I leaned over and gave him a friendly kiss on the lips. "Yeah. Maybe one day, huh?"

"I'll be dreaming about it until then." He smiled. And I got dressed, leaving shortly thereafter.

Todd and I never became a couple. Although we both entertained the fantasy for quite a while afterwards. DAMN! I must be a fool to let an opportunity like that slip by! But as our friendship grew stronger in the months to follow, I began to cherish him for other reason. And I'll take him any way I can get him. He finally found himself a boyfriend. A drop dead GORGEOUS blond boy with brown eyes that would have made the straightest man tremble at the mere sight of them. And me? I remained single for a while. I longed after this person and that person, had some jack off fantasies, and some infatuations over people who turned out to be assholes or liars or a combination of both. But I didn't mind, because the next time I go for someone...it really WILL be love. And that's worth waiting for.

As for Mark and Roger, as though I was actually keeping track, they broke up after just two weeks. Hahahaha! I'm sorry. I'm not taking pleasure in that. I'm sure that Mark and Roger will both find somebody good for them. Someday. And a sincere part of me will be truly happy for them both. However....

Right now, there's a sadistic side of me that's giggling his ASS off!!! Hey, I'm entitled!