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18,996 Almost Divine

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    Bisexual, leaning male
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  1. I should literally just close myself up in my room for a month or two, and just write all of my ideas out from beginning to finish! Otherwise, Hollywood is gonna beat me to the punch, every time! Hehehe! https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/skylight-phase1impact
  2. Hahaha, CUTE!!! And here's young Spider Man, Tom Holland as Billy Elliott! And then there's this...which is just...Wow! HOT!!!!
  3. Awwwwwwwwwww! Adorable! Hehehe! ::Melts:: And take a look at young 'Captain America', Chris Evans!
  4. https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/waitingoutsidethelines A brand new chapter of "Waiting Outside The Lines" is now up and ready to keep the series going! I hope you guys like it! Please let me know what you think when you get the chance! Enjoy! Awwww...hehehe, Greyson would have been my PERFECT ideal boyfriend in high school!!! Seriously! Cute, sweet, funny, slightly awkward, and beautiful...through and through! Sighhh...love you, Greyson! Always! Mwah!!! 0
  5. "Waiting Outside The Lines 25" I can't say that I had much of a restful sleep that night. I might have 'fainted' for twenty minutes or so every now and then from exhaustion...but there wasn't much 'rest' being achieved outside of that. I got up and took a shower, attempting to get myself in a state where hair and make-up wouldn't have to put in any extra effort into making me look good on camera. I mean, I know that's their job and all...but I didn't want to show up to work looking like a total slob, you know? They always got started on the zombie make-up first, as it usually took the makeup artists hours of hard work, putting on adhesive, blood, gelatin, contact lenses, and corn syrup and latex, just to get everything right. I don't envy those poor actors at all. They definitely went through more struggle and strife than any of us other actors who just get some dirt smudged on our faces and sprayed with a little bit of artificial sweat out of a bottle before stepping out in front of the camera. God bless them all for doing what they do. "Hey, Evan." Came a voice from over my shoulder, and I saw Chandler Riggs standing there behind me. He hadn't been to hair and make-up either yet...so nobody had a chance to make him look...you know...'post apocalyptic' yet. No dirt smudges. No artificial sweat. No ruffling of his long hair. It was like...super cute, seeing Chandler...just as himself. I would be lying if I said that it didn't get me all riled up and excited to see him so clean and cute and...sighhhh...ugh! My heart! "Chan...Chandler...? Hey. I mean...s'up? Well, I mean..." He still leaves me breathless sometimes. Especially when he catches me off guard like that. "Dude, come do this behind the scenes promo with me really quick!" He said. "A...behind the scenes...wait, what?" "They've got a low key camera crew here to do a few interviews with the cast and stuff. I usually miss out because I have to jump into school work with a tutor, but we're free to go wild for a bit. We should go. I think they want to talk to you." Confusion set in. "Talk to me? Wait...why?" "They're focusing on the new cast members and stuff today, and Asa won't be here for another hour or so. Come on! It'll be awesome! You'll love it! It'll be a cool celebrity moment for you to remember later." He said, cheerfully. He started to walk away, trying to lead me towards the cameras, but I was hesitant in following right behind him without knowing what I was getting myself into. Chandler turned around and asked me what I was waiting for. I said, "So...this is an interview? Like...with a camera crew and everything?" "Yeah." He replied. "Wait...have you never done one of these quick sound clip spots before?" He seemed to giggle a bit, and I blushed furiously over being such an 'interview virgin'. "Evan...dude, you'll do fine. It's super easy. Trust me. And it enhances your personal brand." Already feeling the involuntary tremors of fear and insecurity, I asked, "Are they going to show this on TV or something? Who's going to see this?" "Well...everybody, if you're lucky. Maybe they'll show a clip on the "Talking Dead" after that week's episode. Or maybe it'll pop up on the Blu-Ray or something. Why?" "So...everything that I say is, like...permanent, then?" I asked. "Like...I can't ever take it back?" Chandler giggled in the cutest way, making me swoon with temptation as I tried to look away from his pretty face. "And everything you do on the show isn't?" He asked. "Evan...it'll be fine. Seriously. Come on...walk with me. I'll school you on what you need to know. It's SO simple! I promise." "Ummm...ok..." I said, and nervously began walking behind him as I saw some of the other cast members already talking in front of the cameras and sharing their personal, behind the scenes, experiences with the reporters who were filming them. This was a totally new experience for me. I never had anybody interview me before. Not in the context of me being 'supposedly' famous, anyway. "What do I say?" I asked. Chandler smiled and told me, "Listen...you're under eighteen. So this is going to be a total cakewalk for you. They'll ask you about the show and your character. They're going to treat like you like you're a seven year old. But it's just a part of the game. Just roll with it." He said. "But...the number ONE thing that they're going to ask you about...is what you 'learned' from the adult actors on the set. That's the one thing that you've got to play up over everything else. K?" I wrinkled my brow a bit, and asked Chandler, "What I learned? Learned from who? What did I learn?" "It doesn't matter. You've GOT to throw that out there. Just be vague, it'll work. Every teen actor, in EVERY movie or TV show, no matter what...gets asked that question. It's a Hollywood standard." He said. "Hehehe, Asa really HATES that fucking question! But we all play the game, because we have to. So...when the reporter asks you what you 'learned' from your older, more experienced actors on set...you play the humble little boy who loves everybody on set and is just happy to be here. Think, 'kid in a candy store'. Give them the Disney World level of enthusiasm. Tell them that you learned sooooo much from...whoever. Hehehe, you know, the actors you never hang out with or speak to outside of work. Just, say that you're grateful, and look cute doing it. It always goes over well." He said, and then looked me in the eye for a moment, and said, "Looking cute should be pretty easy for you. I mean...if you play the interview angle right, with just a touch of charisma...you'll be a teen heartthrob in no time." I blushed a bit harder, biting my bottom lip slightly to hide my smile. "You think so?" Why did I ask him that? NO! I should be on my best behavior! I have a boyfriend, dammit! The best boyfriend ever. "I definitely think so..." He said, with a little infatuated sigh for emphasis. "Evan. Can you do a quick interview with our crew? Let's get you on set." The director said, and they beckoned me over to sit down in one of the actor's chairs as someone pointed a camera in my face and the interviewer introduced herself as Julie and shook my hand. "Sp pleased to meet you, Evan Elliott. I just need you to sit right here so we can take a few readings and get the lighting right, and then I'm going to ask you a few brief questions about what it's like to work on 'The Walking Dead' set, I'll finish up with a few follow up questions afterward, and then we'll let you get back to work. Ok? Does that sound like fun?" She said. The words themselves were professional and straight to the point...but I wish you could hear the tone in her voice. It was the kind of tone that you use to promise a six year old an ice cold popsicle if he promises to pick up his toys in the living room. It was kind of...dare I say it...condescending. And not in a subtle way, either. But...whatever. Suck it up, Evan. This is what blossoming fame is all about, right? Got to play the game. Be professional. "Yeah. Ok. Sure." I said, nervously. "Can we get him a mic? And somebody do something with his hair." Julie said. Geez, I thought my hair looked fine. Don't make me feel self conscious or anything. I suddenly had two more people surrounding me and doing what they could to get me 'TV ready'. Hair and powder and bright lights...it used to be really uncomfortable when I first started acting, but I've kind of found a way to simply sit still and surrender to being hen pecked for a couple of minutes before any of the cameras started rolling. "I'm getting a shine on his lips. What is that about?" Julie asked. "Evan? Are you wearing lip gloss or anything?" "Am I what? Ummm...no. I don't wear..." "Can we do something about his lips? It doesn't look good on tape." She said, then gave me a fake smile, "Don't worry, hon. We'll take care of it." "Oh. Ok..." They put something weird on my lips that was almost like lipstick, but not really...then powdered my face with a brush for a few seconds, and I just...I felt so weird about having this artificial 'mask' of garbage on my face, but I had to ignore it and just try to be myself despite the fakeness of the whole production. All this for a few minutes of screen time? I'd much rather spend hours in the makeup chair being turned into a cool zombie or something. At least I could be confident in knowing that the whole point was to MAKE me look ugly...as opposed to a camera crew basically telling me that they needed to make adjustments to my face to KEEP me from looking ugly. I saw Chandler standing behind the camera, smiling and giving me the thumbs up as I began to answer Julie's interview questions. About who my character was, whether I got scared or not filming the scenes with the zombie actors, how old I was, and how well I got along with the other actors on set. Words of wisdom...if you're on set with other actors? You ALWAYS say that you got along great with every single one of them! Even if you hate each other's fucking GUTS throughout the entire movie shoot...that's not the story that entertainment outlets want to hear. They want you to tell them that everybody got along and we were all one big happy family...no matter what. So...watch more teen boy actor interviews...and you'll see what I'm talking about. You can end your career the second you have a single bad word to say about any one of them. Then...even though I was a bit skeptical about it happening...Chandler grinned extra wide as Julie asked me the typical interview question that came with me doing something like this. "So...being a young actor, have you learned anything special from some of the other big stars on set?" Ugh...ok. I'll do it. I'm an 'actor', after all, right? "Oh wow, sure! I learned soooo much! They kind of took me aside and taught me how to act and how to respond to what was going on. They really helped me out, and I think I learned a lot from having them teach me how to be 'present' in the scene, you know? It was really cool." "And...CUT! We got it!" Said the cameraman. Julie stood up to give me that big Hollywood smile as she waved off her filming crew to take the footage back to be edited for later. "Thank you, Evan! That was great! We'll make sure it gets added to our next behind the scenes featurette, and you can see it when it airs on AMC later, k?" I don't think I've ever seen a smile that was more disingenuous in my life. But...like I said...this is the game that we all have to play in order to take the next baby step forward towards being something...special in showbiz. Or, at the very least...recognizable. The first thing that I wanted to do was wipe that muddy garbage off of my lips the second that I was able to walk away from them. Yuck! What IS this stuff! Tastes like actual friggin' paint! I wiped it off with a paper towel and had to spit the taste out of my mouth on the ground. I felt a pat on the back of my shoulder, and Chandler was smiling at me. "Easy, right?" "I didn't sound, like...stupid or anything, did I?" "No way. You killed it." He grinned. "Don't sweat it. This business is going to treat you like a kid for as long as they possibly can, and then they'll let you transition into being an adult later on. You just have to make all of your connections now. Otherwise, they'll toss you out and go back to prowling playgrounds for a younger replacement. Heh...sad, but true." I nodded, but couldn't help but to notice the brief silence that fell between us as Chandler looked into my eyes. Do you have any idea how unnaturally blue his eyes are when you see them up close in person? They, like...take your breath away. You want to look away, but you can't really. They hold your attention and force you to stare with a longing that you usually keep under wraps for fear of seeming like some kind of creepy stalker. That boy makes such a perv out of me sometimes. He's the whole reason I'm even here on set. When auditions for "The Walking Dead" were being held and I got a few call backs, my first thoughts were, "Omigod! Am I going to get to meet Chandler Riggs??? And like talk to him and stuff? Gah! I can't handle this!" Another dream come true. I'm starting to think that I'm using up every last bit of good karma that I have in this life. I hope I have some leftover for the next? Otherwise...my next life is going to SUCK!!! "Well, I guess we'll see when it gets aired on TV or whatever." I said, bashfully. Chandler just kind of looked at me for a moment. A little smirk on my face. Then, out of nowhere, he was like, "You're really cute. You know that?" "Ummm...hehehe..." I blushed. "Thanks." "No, I mean it. You're like...stunning. You seem really sweet too. It's awesome. You just have a natural beauty to you. I like it." "I'm...flattered." I never, in my life thought that I'd ever get to hear Chandler Riggs tell me that I was cute. It was kind of hard to contain my excitement. Especially now that I know what I know about him. "You know...maybe...if you're interested, we can spend some time together. Just you and me." He said, giving me a dreamy look that seriously made me weak in the knees. "Oh? Well...I mean, if you want to go...see a movie or something some time. Or if you get together at your hotel for another pool party or something. That'd be cool." I said. He grinned at me, "No. I'm talking about, like...sooner than that. Like today." Then he waited for me to catch onto the hint. "You remember where the off set trailer is, right? We've got a little bit of time before roll call if you want to, like...get out of here for a little while. Know what I mean?" Wait....was I...was he... Holy SHIT!!! Am I dreaming right now? I attempted to laugh it off, blushing even harder until the rush of blood into my face made me feel lightheaded and uncomfortably warm. "Hehehe, the trailer where...ummm...you mean the one where...?" "Yeah. That's the one." He smiled. And did his eye get MORE blue in the last few seconds or what? Is he hypnotizing me? What the fuck is going ON here? "Listen...no pressure. K? Just...I like you, Evan. The more I get to know you, the more I realize how hot it would be to maybe fool around every now and again. I'm just putting that out there. Do with it what you will. Hehehe!" I had to look around to see if any of the other actors, directors, or extras, on set could hear him talking to me like this. I mean, nobody seemed to be paying us any real attention at that particular moment...but Chandler was being so forward with his invitation that I doubted it would matter much if anybody was within earshot. I could feel myself trembling inside. A violent fluttering in the pit of my stomach that was suddenly trying to push me forward and give in to my deepest, dirtiest, cravings for him. I had already seen him being penetrated, moaning out loud as his constricted hole was stretched to accept the invading inches, welcoming them into his most intimate spot as his cute little ass rose up to greet it and give it the kind of intense pleasure that he was receiving from being thrust into repeatedly by a boy of his choosing. What if it was me doing the thrusting? What would it be like to kiss those lips, feel those arms and legs wrapped around me...and experience the tight grip of his heated insides as I drove my hard erection into him without restraint? Dear God...the thought of it was making me so weak inside. I giggled awkwardly to myself, and Chandler leaned forward to say, "What? You never thought about it? I have." "Hehehe, no you didn't..." "Yeah, I really did. Like I said, you're cute. I always thought you were cute. We just never got a chance to talk much, before." Feeling like I was about to hyperventilate, I heard my voice squeak slightly as I told him, "I just...I thought that you and Asa sort of had a 'thing' going. Isn't he your boyfriend?" "Of sorts." Chandler replied. "Of sorts? What does that mean?" "It means...Asa lives overseas. He's here in America for work and film shoots and the like, but then he has to leave and go back home again. I mean, we keep in touch online and on the phone and stuff, and I LOVE it when we're together...but...I'm 15. I can't just jump on a plane and go traveling to the UK every time I need a good pounding. Hehehe! That's not practical at all." "So...when he's not around...?" "I get to play around. Yeah. Same on his side of the equation. I mean, we have feelings for one another and all...but until we can be together all the time like we want to be? We kind of have to make due with what we've got. It's cool to have somebody close by that...can scratch that particular itch, you know?" The more he talked, the harder it became for me to breathe. I don't think that I meant to look directly down at his crotch, but when I saw a semi hard lump down there, I began to salivate over the scattered thoughts of sucking it deeply into my mouth, tongue kissing him as we rolled over one another in a quiet trailer just off set...and maybe even entering him from behind, feeling that wrinkled pucker and moist insides collapsing around my shaft until it was worked to an inevitable orgasmic release. "Wouldn't Asa be, like...upset?" I asked. "Asa is Asa." He smirked. "And...Evan is Evan. We've got no problem multitasking when we need to." He touched my arm, and I allowed those blue eyes mesmerize me into thinking that anything about this would be ok on ANY level! "Besides...I can't go very long without a sexy fix. So, if you sign up...expect to stay busy. Hehehe!" "Chandler? You ready for hair and makeup?" Said one of the assistants, bringing him a bottle of cold water. "I'll be there in a minute." He told him. "Like, I said...no pressure. But if you decide you want to have some fun, just give me a holler. K? Getting away for a half hour or so is easy to work out. And I'd kinda like to share some space with you for a bit. Could be fun." Then he really shocked me by leaning in to kiss me lightly on the cheek. Just before walking away to the makeup truck to get ready to film. Now...there was a time when this would have sent me skyrocketing into orbit! A few weeks ago, I would have tackled Chandler down in the dirt and ripped his clothes off and rolled around naked with him until I was too tired and too sore to ejaculate anymore! Oh my fucking GOD, did I want that boy!!! But... Greyson... Greyson was my sweetheart. My blossoming soul mate. I've never been so connected to another boy before in my life. We shared our virgin experience with one another. We talk, we laugh, we kiss and kiss and kiss...and everything about him is dreamy beyond belief. He's all that I've ever wanted in a boyfriend. We're committed to one another, right? I mean...right? But as I watched Chandler walk away, briefly smiling back at me over his shoulder and catching a brief glimpse of his tight, well sculpted, ass in those snug fitting blue jeans...I thought about what he said. You know...about Asa. Because Greyson really will be leaving me in the next week or two. And going on tour soon, to places where I can't go see him. Or even talk to him, in some cases. If Asa and Chandler can maintain an open relationship from two different sides of the planet...can Greyson and I do the same? I mean...Chandler would be close by. Right? Would that be cheating? And what if Greyson finds a super cute Malaysian boy or something on tour, and he feels like he needs to be sexually satisfied too? Would it be selfish of me to tell him no? I've never dealt with this kind of thing before. I'm not exactly sure what I need to know to navigate myself around this problem without totally screwing everything up in the process. But...Chandler Riggs basically just told me that we can have sex whenever I want to! And when my lovely Greyson moves back home, or goes on tour...how long will it be before that temptation is too difficult for me to avoid? Thanks soooo much for reading, and for all of your feedback and support! And be sure to grab a copy of the new eBooks at the COMICALITY EBOOK SECTION link!!! More ebooks being posted every month! So keep an eye out! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SHACK FANS!!!
  6. Thanks, you guys. Love and hugs to you all. My family and I were all being careful...but that's like being careful driving a car when you've got drunk drivers flooring it and being reckless all over town. So us taking the proper precautions doesn't really matter if you've got people running around equating a safety precaution to friggin' SLAVERY and the HOLOCAUST! WTF are you TALKING about??? This is so stupid. "You're all just sheep, doing what your leader tells you to do and wearing what they tell you to wear, because you can't think for yourselves!" Says the guy in a stupid MAGA hat!!! Fuck those people. Seriously. You put me and my family in harm's way to prove some ridiculous point to people who are actually looking out for your well being. How fucked up are these people? Anyway, thanks, you guys. I'm going to stay inside and hope for the best. I'll keep my fingers crossed.
  7. It might have taken a very long time for me to realize it, or to mature beyond it...but I honestly think that it was this website, the chatroom, the message boards, the emails...that has become the catalyst to teach me what I needed to know about the voices in my head, and how to beat them. It's strange, I know. But it's the truth. Writing my true feelings out in my stories created this constant habit of looking inward and doing a lot of soul searching to value parts of myself that I should be proud of, and accepting the parts of myself that are flawed, but still have a conscience about. It helps to keep me in check. There was a time that negative comments used to really bother me. They used to hurt me to my very core, and I'd fight, tooth and nail, to defend myself like a wounded animal because I refused to be made a victim or allow myself to ever be abused again. But I'm not that person anymore. That part of me no longer exists. And it's liberating. That's not to say that I don't have disagreements or even arguments with other people...but the effect on me isn't the same. Anybody who would go out of their way to attack, bully, or deliberately HURT me...for any reason? I just shake my head. Shrug my shoulders. I feel bad for them. I really do. It's a state of mind that deserves nothing more from me than a true feeling of pity. Who does that? What do they get out of it? You know? I sometimes study some of the fundamentals of certain philosophies or religions, and there's a part of Scientology that actually really fascinated me. I've kind of adopted it into my way of thinking. (Not the alien, volcano, ghost Thetan, stuff! Hehehe, but this one principal) Basically, when you're 'audited'...they ask you to describe a time in your life that caused you some pain or distress. You have to explain it out loud, in words, and share it with the auditor. Then...you have to do it again. And then again. Every time you go in, you add more details and really get to the heart of that particular moment of your life, until you properly deal with it. ou actually get to address that problematic part of your life repeatedly until it ceases to have any power over you. I thought that was a really cool practice to indulge in. And, without even knowing it, that's what I've been doing with my stories from the very beginning. I got to live out all of those fantasies that I was too scared to indulge in when I was a teen. I got to express my feelings about the abuse I suffered through, or the heartbreak I felt, or the excitement I had during those first few awkward attempts and looking for love. So writing was my therapy...and all of those bad voices in my head were muffled to the point where they just don't bother me anymore. Other people? I know who my friends are. My standards are pretty low when it comes to me considering someone a good friend. Treat me right, keep in contact, support me every now and then...and I'll kiss the ground you walk on. I'm not hard to impress. But, if you're a toxic person? If all you've got for me is insults and demands and bullshit backhanded comments? Yeah, I'd rather spend time with people who actually give a shit about me. If it seems like a 'chore' for you to treat me like a cherished part of your life...then save your energy. I'm not interested. If you have to bite your tongue to not say something awful to me? Fuck off. Again. I'm not interested. Because those words really do stick. They sink into places of your life and it takes time and healing to get rid of them. There are still times when I make mistakes or forget to do something, and I can hear my father's voice in my head telling me what an idiot I am and how I should be ashamed for being so stupid. But I recognize it for what it is, and I know how to silence that voice and fix things to make them as awesome as I possibly can. No more tears. Never again. I don't hold grudges, but I have the insight to know when I need to stay away from the kind of people who only want to use me, abuse me, or are jealous of me. That's their problem, not mine. And I'm not going to add the weight of their problems on my shoulders. I have my own. Do words hurt? Yes. Most definitely. Do they linger? Only if you're too scared to go back and deal with the impact that they've had on you in the past. Can you heal and start over from scratch? Hmmm...should you? I can say that I've healed, and I've learned, but I won't pretend that those things never happened. They did. I just won't allow them to affect me anymore. If anything, they make me stronger. Instead of letting them create a hateful image of myself...I use them to show everyone around me how easy it is to prove the voices wrong. Effortless. I am SO thankful and SO happy these days! There's freedom in letting go. And that's exactly what I did. I let it go.
  8. The newest chapter of this 'man made apocalypse' thriller is now up and ready to go, with the next chapter already in the works! So, I hope you like it! And please let me know what you think when you get a chance! https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/agenda21-theculling Just remember...it HAS happened before...and it could easily happen again...
  9. Chapter One: The Culling (Part Eight - "Fog On The Horizon") It was a few harsh shoves and a silent demand that pushed us forward. Milo seemed to be more curious than afraid, but Jordan, Ricky, and I, knew that things could be much more serious than that. There were other children wandering around in that garage...dirty, unbathed, some of them still reeling from the trauma of losing all of their friends and family to the horrors of this 'brave new world'. Either from the sickness, or from having them carried away to the camps and executed with heartless efficiency. They stared at us as we made our way to the upper floors of the parking garage, where we were eventually led to greet their mysterious leader, Finn...who was sitting in the seat of a large minivan that had been broken in half when we arrived. Decorated with a few candles to highlight his face, and a half empty bottle of liquor in his right hand. He was maybe eighteen years old, but his experiences in this world had aged him considerably. Bags under his eyes from lack of sleep, and lines from the sides of his nose, almost down to his chin, from excess frowning and sadness. Messy brown hair, but steel blue eyes that could level you with their intense stare. Thin, but with a menacing aura about him that alerted you to the fact that he didn't need much muscle at all to leave you dead on the floor if he saw fit to do so. Again...in this situation...there was no question, whatsoever...who was in charge here. "Hey, Finn! We caught a couple of scavengers rolling around through a few of the main streets, looking for stuff they didn't ask permission for. We figured we'd bring them your way." Blitz told him. The boy took a deep swig from his bottle of alcohol. There wasn't a label on the outside of it, but it was brown liquid. I assumed that it was some kind of rum or whiskey, like my dad and Mr. Harvey used to drink. "Where are they from?" He asked. "Just like everybody else...they're afraid to say." Blitz told him. And he nodded. "Respect." Finn said. "There's an ounce of loyalty there. I take it that none of you have spent any time as 'campers' then?" "Campers?" I asked. "Oh yeah...these boys are fresh. Free born. Heh..." He smirked, and drank a little bit more. "You never spent a single day in the camps, have you? I can tell. You've still got a glimmer of 'hope' in your eyes. That's a shame. It's entertaining to witness after going so long without seeing it...but a shame, nonetheless." He said. Then he turned to Blitz and asked, "I trust you checked them for infection?" "None of them have any symptoms of the virus. It looks like they're immune, just like we are." He answered. "You poor sons of bitches." Finn giggled. "Looks like you're going to have to wait on the second round up...just like the rest of us. To be honest, I would have rather had the pandemic take me out. Would have been much better than giving those assholes the satisfaction of erasing me, personally." Jordan surprised me by stepping forward, getting the clown-faced 'Cecil' kid to suddenly stand in his way and keep him in line. "Look...none of us are sick, ok? We walked through the city to watch the sun rise up over Lake Michigan...that's it. We weren't trying to intrude on anybody's territory." Finn smiled. "Is that what you think this is about? Somebody's 'territory'?" He stood up from his seat, and I began to worry that things might go South for all of us at any moment. "There are no territories here, kid. I'm sure there are plenty of delusional 'Apocs' out there who want to go out of their way to bully and threaten anyone who travels through their bullshit neighborhoods in some odd attempt to feel like they have some kind of control over all of this...but it's all a joke. We're not that crazy. Not here." He stepped closer to us, and I could feel the fear building up in my chest as he looked each and every one of us in the eye. Brazenly. To the point where we were forced to look away to keep his intimidating gaze from breaking us down completely. "Like he said...we weren't trying to crowd your area or intrude on your space..." I told him. "And yet you did it anyway." "We're NOT a threat!" "If I thought you were a threat, you'd be dead already!" He growled. "And lower your voice when you talk to me, boy. I've got little patience for conflict and an itchy emotional trigger. Especially when it comes to people in a compromised position." He said, as I heard the faint 'click' of weapons as his minions raised their crossbows up to our heads again. "So...do you want to learn something? Or do you want to argue?" I looked over at Milo and Jordan...and I saw Ricky trembling slightly over the idea that we could all be flatlined right here and now and we'd never make it home again. So I said, "Learn something...I guess." "Good choice." Finn replied. "The alternative wouldn't have ended well for you. Trust me." He looked around the room at the four of us, and he asked, "Do any of you still have parents?" "Parents...?" Ricky asked, an arrow still targeting the center of his face. "PARENTS! Yes! The male and female specimens that I assume gave birth to you all? You DO know what 'parents' are, right?" He said, frustration creeping into his voice. I cringed slightly as I saw Milo gently raise his hand. "I have parents..." Why did he do that? Why can't he just...fuck! "So, you're not all orphaned like the rest of us, then, I take it?" Finn asked him. "Where are your parents now?" "They're...they're on an extended supply run." Milo said softly. "But...they're coming home any day now, so..." "Any DAY now?" Finn smirked. "How long have they been on this 'supply run' you're talking about?" Shamefully, Milo looked down at the ground, still trying to maintain the fantasy that his mom and dad were ever going to come back to us. He mumbled, "About...eight months...I guess..." Finn looked at the rest of us. Almost as if we were the bad guys for allowing him to hold on to this fantasy for as long as he did. Then he looked back at Milo and told him, "Hey...kid? Your parents are dead. Alright. They're gone." Angrily, Milo stared him back in the eye and said, "They're NOT dead!!! You're LYING!!!" "They got caught by the government's personal exterminators...they were probably shoved into an unmarked bus..and they were taken to the camps to be slaughtered, just like everybody else. They're DEAD, get it? The camps MURDER people! That's what they do! That's ALL they do! It's not a side project...it's what they were built for." Finn said, causing tears to pour out of Milo's eyes as he fought to hold on to the truth that his mind had been sustaining for nearly a year now. And yet, despite his blunt delivery and cruel revelations...Finn actually put a hand on Milo's shoulder as if he really had some level of empathy for what he was feeling at that moment. Telling him something that neither one of us were willing to say earlier on when Milo might have been more equipped to deal with the horror of it. "Listen...I know it hurts." He said. "We've all been hurt. Every person that you see in this room has lost someone important to them. But lying to yourself isn't going to make things any better or make the facts any less true than they are. The camps are designed to find and execute as many people as humanly possible in a quick and efficient manner. That's the only purpose they have. Killing us off is their only agenda. They're done taking prisoners, kid. The true agenda has been exposed now. And the people they targeted waited too long to fight back." Finn told him as Milo began to cry, even though he was defiantly holding on to the belief that his parents were still alive, and would be coming back for him eventually...once they found a way to do so. "All they have left to do is pick off the scraps now. They came for the protesters and the defiant ones first to silence their voices. Now? They just have to round up the people who were too scared, too blind, or too complacent, to allow this chaos to happen in the first place. We had our chance to stop this. We had an army the likes that they've never seen before. And now...?" He said. "...Now we're just scavengers...late to the party...trying to feed off of what the true 'lions' of our society left behind. Hyenas without any laughs left. Prey for the heartless predators who plan to come back and finish the job once they decide the time is right." Finn told him. "We're merely in the eye of the storm right now. Trust me...it won't last." Angered beyond my sense of fear, I stepped forward as well and put my arms around Milo to comfort him. It was as if he had suddenly become weak from my affections, melting into my embrace and weeping softly as his brain tried to repair the wounds that this 'Finn' guy had just ripped open within him. "Look, we don't want anything from any of you, ok?" I said, staring him down with a nasty look. "We don't want to be here. We just want to go home." Finn asked, "So...tell us where 'home' is, and maybe we'll just let you walk." "That's none of your business." "It became my business the second you starting walking our streets." "Funny..." I said. "...I thought territories were for delusional 'Apocs'. Isn't that what you said?" "Are you trying to be a smartass now? Is that it?" He asked. "We can't afford to be soft on strangers around here. We just want to know where you came from, and where you're going back to. Supplies are limited. Food is scarce. Trust in humanity is at an all time low. How do we know that you're not scouting out the area and won't come back with a small militia, hell bent on taking everything that we've got and killing us in the process?" Jordan asked, "How do we know that YOU won't do the same to us?" Looking over at him with a smirk, Finn replied, "You don't. And as much as you may like to think that this is some kind of an equal standoff between us...I don't see a single one of you holding a crossbow shot to the face as leverage. So I guess you'll just have to trust us, now won't you?" He saw that we weren't giving up any information about where we lived, and he said, "I'll tell you what...how about you give us a general direction. North side, South side, West side? Clue us in." Milo, practically shivering in his own shoes, said, "Just out West. Ok? Can we go now?" Shit! Why did he even tell him that much? Does he have any idea what we might be dealing with here? These kids were going to murder half of us before we even got here! "West side boys. Alright." Finn smiled. "That's your part of town, isn't it Blitz?" Blitz hesitated for a moment. "It used to be. Yeah." "So...no parents, West side of Chicago, close enough to make it to the lake to watch the sunrise on foot...I think I'm getting a decent idea of what's going on here." Finn told us. "You certainly don't seem like 'Apoc' trash to me. I'll admit to having some faith in the true colors I see in you." One of the girls, Sophie, stepped forward. "What do you want us to do with them, Finn?" He thought about it for a moment, his fingers lightly rubbing his chin. "I don't see anything dangerous about these boys. I say we let them walk." He told her. Then he turned to me and Jordan, saying, "The next time you guys get all thirsty for seeing another sunrise...I suggest you take a detour to another part of town. You hear me? You've gotta be careful out here. We all do." "Fine. We got it." I said. He nodded. "Understand...this is the new normal. Ever since things fell apart...trusting people has become more of a liability than a virtue. It leads to bad things. We're all just struggling to make it as long as we can until the second round up comes along." Ricky, now calming down a bit from before, asked, "Do you really think the soldiers are coming back? The chaos? The trains?" "It's inevitable." Finn told him. "All we can do is train ourselves to take a stand...and hopefully take some of them down with us. The rest is all written in stone as far as our lives are concerned." Finn nodded towards the other teens to back up and lower their weapons. "Better to die fighting than withering away in some FEMA camp. Our eyes are wide open now. I only wish that it had happened earlier. Befor the Culling." Ricky said, "Noah's dad knew what was coming. He tried to warn people, but nobody would listen." "Ricky!" I snarled. Ugh! Can everybody just shut up and let us get out of here unharmed? What the fuck??? "Is that right?" Finn said, his eyes examining me with their pervasive gaze. "Was your father one of those conspiracy nuts? Huh? Illuminati and shape shifting lizard people and all that?" "My father didn't believe in that nonsense. He was an observer." I said. "He...saw what was happening and tried to make sense of it all. He wrote a book...and it got him 'red listed' almost immediately. Nobody believed him. And he..." My breath got caught in my throat before I was able to complete that sentence. "...He died...never having reached anybody. The soldiers came for him, and the world went to shit anyway. So what good did it do anybody?" For a brief moment, I could have sworn that I saw a touch of empathy in Finn's expression. He attempted to hide it, but I could feel it just the same. "Very sad. But at least he tried, you know?" He told me. "Blitz over here...he knows what that's like. They took his whole family to the camps in the early days after the veil of diplomacy began to drop. Rounded them up like animals ready for slaughter." I looked over at Blitz, who seemed to be tearing up slightly from the memory of it. He said, "It all happened so fast. You never think that something that extreme is going to come knocking on your front door until it's too late." He fidgeted a little bit before continuing. "My grampa wrote a book too a few years ago. He was red listed too. One of the first to go once we got separated and were taking to the camps. It was called "America: The Fallen Kingdom"...and when the military came to take his entire neighborhood away at once...they made sure that he was high on their priority list of people to be shut down." Is it strange that the name of his grandfather's book sounded super familiar to me? It's difficult for me to remember right away, but I wondered if maybe it was a part of my own father's research. It definitely sounds like something he would have had me read, front to back, in his attempt to prepare me for the coming storm. Milo asked, "Did he find a way out of the camps? Like you guys did?" Still desperately holding on to the childish fairy tale that such a thing is not only possible...but common. Blitz slowly shook his head. "I saw his body on the back of a wagon. Right next to my grandmother. Piled up with other bodies, being taken out to be dumped in a hole like sacks of garbage, or maybe incinerated and turned to ash. That was the last that I saw of them. My mom and dad...I never got to see them at all. But I assume that they got the same treatment." Blitz...Benjamin...began to cry. Tears were running down his cheeks, but there was no emotion in his face. He had spent two years numbing the feelings inside. In these difficult times, it's hard to know when the emotions are going to overwhelm you beyond the point of recovery. So you make it a practice to avoid them all...at all costs. He didn't begin to let his stoic position break until he said, "My sister, Katie...I...I still don't know what happened to her. Finn was able to break some of us out, but...I lost sight of her for a minute. Just...just for a minute..." His sniffles got worse, and I could feel the depth of his sadness as he fought back the urge to break down completely. "I ran. I TOLD her to keep holding my hand, and she let go. She got...lost. And...I ended up leaving her behind. For all I know, Katie might have ended up as another piece of trash on the back of one of those trucks. And the only thing that brings me any peace at all is that I didn't have to see it with my own eyes...and that, maybe...just maybe...her suffering is over and done with." I couldn't deny that his story touched me. Thinking about my own sister, Anna, and how sick she's been lately...worrying every day that I'm going to wake up one morning...and she won't. But, much like the rest of the people in that room, I've been building a brick wall around my psyche that would bat away and protect me from such thoughts. I didn't want t deal with the severity of the world as it exists today. It's too much. And yet, the one thing that we all seem to have in common is the need to express some of our pain...share some of our loss...whenever we get a brief opportunity to do so. Even if it's only for a few minutes. A short confession of our vulnerability before covering it uo with shovelfuls of obscuring emotionless dirt again. In this current world...denial is our only shield. "I'm sorry..." I said. It was the only words that I had to give him. But, what does giving condolences, thoughts, and prayers, even mean at this point. The whole practice of saying it out loud seems so empty at this point. Finn gave Cecil a nod, and told his small gang of orphans to back off. "The sun's up now. Apocs will be surfacing soon. If you guys are going to avoid dealing with them, you should get moving. They won't be as easy to negotiate with as I am. Trust me." Milo asked, "So...we can go?" "Go for it. Get out of here." He said. "Blitz will escort you back out to the street. Just...do yourselves a favor...keep away from places with resources left. Got it? There are people out here who are in a perpetual state of self preservation. They'll slit your throat for a candy bar if they think it's the last one left." Finn's eyes met mine for a moment, and we exchanged a nod. "Thanks." "Go." He said. "Stay out of the city limits." "We will." I said, and Benjamin turned to lead us back down the ramp to get out of the garage. I looked over at Jordan, who seemed to be trembling slightly over the idea of what could have happened to us if Finn decided that were going to be some kind of menace to hi and his little battalion of tween and teen soldiers in this place. But as his eyes met mine, he was able to work up a subtle smile to show that he was glad that everything turned out ok. And for him...I was able to do the same. We got lucky this time. We really did. If I was a cat, I'd only have eight lives left after this run in. But...you have to count your blessings when you can. And another day to spend with Jordan Chadwick was a serious blessing, indeed. Thanks soooo much for reading, and for all of your feedback and support! And be sure to grab a copy of the new eBooks at the COMICALITY EBOOK SECTION link!!! More ebooks being posted every month! So keep an eye out! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SHACK FANS!!!
  10. So...I don't want to be alarmist or anything, I'm sure that things will be ok as long as everybody is careful and we...I don't know...find a way to work around this. Long story short...my Aunt tested positive for Covid-19, and got her results this morning. Also, her husband (My uncle) tested positive. And her daughter has also tested positive for Covid-19. And her daughter (My cousin) has two young kids, my little cousins, and we now have to find a way to get them tested as well. (I have another aunt that's a nurse, so she's already trying to put things in motion) And my mother and I have been babysitting the kids a lot over the past few weeks, as well as another one of my cousins who has been watching them as well to share the responsibility while school is out...so...we're all trying to see what our options are to get tested as well before it's too late. It's still early in the morning here, but we need to communicate and find a way to struggle through this. This is why I want to personally STRANGLE people who don't give a shit about this pandemic or wear masks and scream, "Hey, ASSHOLE!!! YES!!! This is how quickly this fucking thing can spread! It can devastate entire families in a matter of weeks." I don't want to get sick. I don't want my family to get sick either. But I guess we've got a week or two to find out how bad this is going to be. I'm hoping we'll be some of the lucky ones in all this. PLEASE...take this pandemic seriously, ok? Please??? I feel like an idiot for having to BEG people to do this, but...my family is in jeopardy now. My MOM is in jeopardy! And it's because of people who just refuse to be safe. Anyway...no babysitting this coming week for me. We're going to self quarantine, just to be careful. We have to find out what's going on. But if my little cousins got infected...I mean...we can't quarantine them. They're little KIDS. We've got to watch them, we can't just leave them all by themselves. I just...I don't know what we're going to do right now. I hate this. Every time we think we have a decent plan worked out...things get worse. But, I'm keeping my faith, and I hope things work out for the best. So...I don't know...knock on wood for me, k? And for my mom.
  11. When any of us get criticized, insulted, abused, or gossiped about...it can be difficult to not take it personally. I mean, we're all human. Pieces of that treatment penetrates, whether you want it to or not. Especially when it comes from the people you care about most. Your closest friends, your family, your parents, your boyfriend/girlfriend. And, sure, the pain goes away and it heals and we all move on with our lives. But... Do you ever wonder whether or not some of that verbal 'punishment' lasts longer than we're aware of? There was a quote that says that "The soil accepts all seeds, whether they be flowers or they be weeds." Meaning, some of those past pains of mistreatment and heartache may still be affecting you somehow, whether you're aware of it or not. Do you believe that such a thing is true? Might you still be haunted by demons from your past? Do they affect your behavior, or pop up every time you look at yourself in the mirror? Is there a certain nerve that someone could grind you and trigger a truly angry or violent response? Or...can you deal with all of your past transgressions and be done with them, once and for all? Is it possible to heal, and start all over from scratch, with nothing holding you back? A bit of challenging question for this time around. Long answers are welcome. Anonymous answers also welcome at Comicality@shackoutback.net if you get any ideas! Talk to you soon!
  12. Are we finally reaching the moment of truth? Hehehe, who knows? Stranger things have happened? Keep reading! Hope you like the new chapter! And please let me know what you think when you get a chance! K? Take care! And I'll seezya soon! ((Hugz)) https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/newkidinschool/
  13. "New Kid In School 65" There's a part of me that wished that I could be brave enough to say that I wasn't totally losing my shit over the prospect over the idea of telling my mom that I was gay. I really wish that was the truth. But, if I really had to be honest...it terrified me. It has always terrified me. Being different wasn't tolerated. Being abnormal? Even more so. And maybe a lot of that had to do with growing up in this house with an abusive father who would rather beat me into submission rather than accept me for who I am...but I can't pretend that the threat of exposure to, who I deem as, the only parent that I have left...doesn't cause me to crumple myself up into a cowardly little ball and want to shrink down to a size so small that nobody could possibly notice me at all. I almost felt SICK at the idea of having to look her in the eyes and say the words out loud. What would she think of me? What would she say about me hiding it from her for this long? Would she call me a liar? I mean, technically...I really have been lying to her for years now. So she wouldn't be wrong about that. So many feelings. Conflicting emotions, all battling for a spot on my mental chessboard that would give me a definitive win without consequences. But...the only checkmate was the one created by my own fear and the denial of personal shame for not being what society wanted me to be. Or...at the very least...expected me to be. And yet, even though I've been feeling this way for years now...confused and embarrassed...trying to make sense of it all so I could find a way to change it and get myself back on the 'right' path again...something bout today was...different. I don't know, maybe it was just spending some quality time with Ariel that did it for me, but I actually found the tides within me turning and shifting towards an ideology that would actually allow me to be even happier than I am right now when I really stopped to think about it. Ariel is PAINFULLY shy! I mean...he has to struggle and fight just to be able to lift his head and look you in the eye when he talks to you. But he's still out there taking chances. Chances that will ensure his happiness for years to come. He put himself out there in the trenches of love and war, and he's afraid...but not so afraid that it's going to keep him from going after what he wants. Even after being hurt before. I think I kind of admire that. I doubt he'll even know how much his visit meant to me today. Because, even though I'm practically trembling with the impending horror of having to tell my mother that I like boys instead of girls...it still feels 'worth' it. It really does. I just hope that she'll understand. I want her to know me for who I really am. And a part of me wants to test my boundaries to see if who I am...inside and out...will be enough for her to love me anyway. She likes Ryan, right? He's a sweetheart. It won't be that much of an adjustment, will it? Then...I suddenly became plagued with thoughts of all the things Ryan and I have done since he first moved here to the neighborhood, and I giggled to myself...but was wondering how my mother would look at those incidents once she knew the truth. The parties we went to together, or me visiting him in the hospital, or the hotel we stayed in that one time, or him climbing into bed with me when I was sick, or all of those afternoons when we started kissing just around the corner, out of her sight. The hidden jokes we've made, or kisses we shared in the car in front of the house, or going out to a fancy dinner...just the two of us. What a ride it's been. Ugh...it seems like we've been a couple for so long that I can barely remember a time when we weren't so obsessively connected to one another. I was forced to contemplate her point of view on the whole thing. I mean...did she know? Did she see? I really hope that our relationship didn't come off as so transparent that anybody with a focused eye could see us being a gay couple and would have no doubts about it at all. But...I can't deny that this big, inevitable, confession wouldn't be much easier if she had already solved the mystery of the 'extremely close, same sex, best friend' on her own. Dammit, Ariel. You have a way of making me crazy, even when you're not around... A million excuses. That's what began to flood my mind. 'Don't tell her', they said...the voices in my head. 'Save it til later', they said. 'You're not ready!' they said. I found myself wrestling with my own common sense as it did everything that it could to postpone and prolong the agony of not telling my mother that Ryan and I were...together. But...I really wanted to do it this time. I wasn't going to get a better opportunity than I would right now. If I let it linger, then I'm just going to come up with more excuses later on...and I don't want that. Enough is enough. I need to do this. And I need to do it today. I just...had no idea HOW!!! After pacing back and forth a few times in my room, cell phone in hand...I finally dialed up Ryan's number and prayed that he'd answer right away. "Hey!" He said, his cute voice expressing his joy over hearing from me again. "What's up?" I didn't have any idea of how to sugarcoat this whole thing, so I just blurted out, "I'm telling my mom that I'm gay!" There was a brief pause, and Ryan suddenly stuttered, "Wait...what??? Like, right NOW???" "No! Not NOW! But, like...when she comes home from work." I said. "i just...I feel like it's time. And if I don't do it now, I might never do it at all. So....I'm thinking...just do it, right? Tell me I'm right." Ryan asked, "Are...are you sure? I mean, if you think you're ready then that's cool, but..." "I'm ready. I'm SO ready." "This isn't because of you coming over for dinner last night or anything, is it? Because, I told you, it's not something that you have to do for my benefit." "Awww, I love you so much. I really do. And thanks. But...this is for me. Hell, in a way it's for the both of us. And probably for her too." I said. "Better she hear it from me than accidentally finding out about us later and having to feel weird about me not telling her myself. You know?" "Wow..." He said. "Ok. I get it. I totally get it." "Cool." Then I added, "That being said...um...help!" "Help? Do you want me to come over?" "Can you? Please? Just for a little while. I'm kinda freaking out here." Ryan giggled a bit to himself, and just as I expected, he said, "Say no more. Consider it done, babe. I'm on my way." "Thanks, dude. I feel better already." "I love you." He said. "Love you more." I responded. And I hung up, putting my phone down so that I could continue my nervous pacing until I heard the doorbell ring. I practically ran to the front door and yanked it open, causing Ryan to giggle with surprise. "Come in! Come on, hurry up!" "Hehehe, are you sure you're feeling alright?" He said, but as soon as I closed the door, I grabbed both sides of my boyfriend's face and kissed him deeply on the lips. GOD, I needed that! It was like a sudden breath of oxygen to a drowning man at that moment. "Randy? What are you doing?" "I don't KNOW what I'm doing!" I said, trying to keep a mild panic from growing out of control. "Ryan...I'm feeling a bit...queasy right now. I know that I shouldn't, but..." "Dude, it's ok. Seriously, it's all a part of the process. Just...come on. Let's go to your room and relax for a bit. Calm down." "Yeah..." I said, my head getting a bit dizzy. "...Yeah, that's probably a good idea." We got to my room, and Ryan sat me down on the bed, his hand lightly rubbing my back in small circles while I tried to catch my breath. "Do you want me to go to the fridge and get you something to drink or something?" He asked. "I don't know. I don't...think so. I just..." I was almost panting with anxiety at that moment. I was really going to do it this time, wasn't I? I felt like I simply didn't have a choice anymore. It was out of my hands. And that was the scariest part of all this. "It's ok. Shhhh..." He kissed me lightly on the cheek, and I felt his fingers softly run themselves through my hair. "Randy...if it's stressing you out this much, maybe this isn't the time to do this. You should feel good about coming out to your mom. Or to anybody, for that matter. It's not some pressured requirement that you tell the whole world about your sexual interests. It'll be fine." "I know, but...this time things are different." I said. "How so?" I looked into those beautiful eyes of his, and something about his striking good looks and compassionate demeanor just hit me with a one -two punch that just...it seemed to soothe me. He makes me feel so normal sometimes. "I really wanted to bring you into the house last night, you know?" He seemed confused. "When you walked me home after dinner with your dad? We were standing outside and I just...I felt like a dick for not taking you inside to say hi to my mom. Or for her to know that we were spending time together. Or that...like...I mean...I almost lied to her yesterday about going to your house..." "Ok, slow down. I'm having trouble following you here, Randy." He smirked. I tried to focus a bit better. "I feel kinda...'sour' about hiding who I am." I said. Ryan nodded softly. "Ok. I totally get that." "It's like...Ariel came over here a bit earlier today, and we were talking..." "Ariel came over here?" He raised an eyebrow. "Are you two making out behind my back now, or what?" "Just a little bit. Not much tongue. I did keep my hands on his ass the entire time though." I giggled, relieving a bit of the tension inside. "Well...Ariel does have one of the nicest asses that I've ever seen." He joked. "I know, right??? Lucky Tyler!" Ryan laughed, "Lucky what? What is that supposed to mean? What did you two talk about?" Shit. Clamming up now. "My conversations with my friend, Ariel, are strictly confidential." Ryan squinted at me for a moment, obviously figuring out what I was getting at with that last statement, but he didn't push. "Anyway, back to the matter at hand..." I paused briefly, but...it hurt me to say, "When he was over here, Ariel asked me if you and I were a 'secret'. And I found myself feeling bad to say that we were. At least where my mom was concerned. And...Ariel knows. Tyler knows. Matt and Sam both know. Then I got to have dinner with your dad...and I started thinking about Cody and him never getting the chance to tell his parents before they were gone...I think it just hit me all at once. It was a bit heavier than I ever could have expected it to be." Then our eyes connected again, and I added, "I have to tell her, Ryan. I have to just...take a chance on this. At first, I was afraid that everything between us would change. But the truth is...it already has. Everything has changed. We just weren't aware of it because we weren't connecting anymore." Ryan looked back at me, and that heartbreaking stare of his gets to me every time. "You're really serious about this, aren't you?" I nodded. "It's time. And I'm scared. I'm not ashamed...but I'm scared." Ryan took a hold of my hand and gave it a loving squeeze. "You mean the world to me, Ryan. Since we've been together, you've become the reason I get excited to wake up every morning so I can see you again. Why I get excited to go back to sleep so I can dream about you again. And I just...I feel like you and I can't fly at the same speed while I'm still carrying this weight on my shoulders." Feeling a bit emotional, i leaned in to kiss my boyfriend's tender lips, and I caressed his cheek, telling him, "I don't want you to be a secret, Ryan. Not anymore. I want to be the love that you share with the rest of the world. I want everyone in my life to see you shine the way I see you shine. It's unfair of me to dim that light for something as selfish as a fear of change." With his misting up slightly, Ryan kissed me deeply, and then he hugged me around the neck. "God, you're awesome. You know that?" A single tear dripping from my eye, I sighed, "Yeah. I am so totally out of your league. Heh..." He leaned back, hearing me sniffle, and he used his thumb to wipe my tear away. "Ok...so, how are we going to do this? What's the game plan?" He asked. "That's the part I need help with. I have absolutely no idea how to go about doing any of this. I'm so screwed up in the head. I feel like I'm running, blindfolded, into six lanes of heavy traffic, here." "Well, what strategy do you want to use? Do you want to sort of build up to it and ease your way in? Or do you just wanna be blunt and come right out and say it?" He asked. "I don't want to give the poor woman a heart attack or anything. But what kind of conversation could I possibly have with my mom that could smoothly segue into, 'Oh, by the way...I, ummm...'" "Like to suck dick?" He grinned. "Ryan! Hehehe, please stop saying it like that! Come on, this is serious." I said, trying to keep his cute giggles from being so contagious this time around. "How did you tell your dad that you were gay?" "Honestly, Randy...I barely remember." "How can you not remember something like that?" "I don't remember. What do you want me to say? It just sort of 'happened', and I told him that I was gay. It was a spur of the moment sort of thing. Like ripping off a Band-Aid." I rolled my eyes. "Ugh! Some help you are!" "What? I was in the friggin' HOSPITAL after an accident. I was just glad that my eyes could follow the doctor's flashlight from left to right when he shined it in my eyes. Hehehe!" "So that's how you came out to your dad? A momentary, highly delusional, lapse in judgement? Great." I teased. "Now all I need is a bonk on the head and some loopy medication." "I can help out with the bonk on the head part, if you want." He snickered. "Look...Randy, just...say what you feel. You've got one of the nicest moms that I've ever met in my life. It's not like you'll be telling her anything that isn't true. At the end of the day...she'll just get to know a little bit more about you than she did before. That's all. It's who you are. The moment you become proud of that and accept it...the mere formality of saying the words out loud really doesn't take much of a leap of faith at all. In fact...it becomes pretty easy after that." Thinking about it, I knew that everything he was telling me was the truth. But the voices in my head kept fighting me on realizing it for what it was. Wildly searching for more excuses. More delays. Drudging up as much shame and worry as they could to push back on my need to do this and trying to warn me against it. I was staring down at my feet when I told him, "You know...growing up...my dad really had convinced me that I'd never be a person of any real value. That I'd have to be crazy to be proud of who I am. And when you grow up like that...you look at every mistake, every mild disappointment, every harsh criticism...as a part of proving him right. You see your whole life through that muddy filter, and it takes an entire lifetime to finally prove to yourself that you can be more than what he ever gave you permission to be." Then I lifted my eyes to make contact with him again. "Deep down...a big part of letting him abuse me the way he did was just a physical extension of the way that I was abusing myself. I allowed him to hate me and to hurt me because I truly felt like I deserved it. But...just having you love me is enough to break that programming. You're my proof. And it's time I stepped up and used the tools you've given me to be with you. Fully. No bullshit. I want to own this." "And then?" he asked. "And then...you and I work on growing old together. Just like we planned." I smiled. Ryan and I spent some time together that afternoon, with him trying to take my mind off of 'thinking too much' like I always do, and me trying to humor him by pretending that I still wasn't freaking out about all this. But it was still a good time. And, as always, Ryan gave me anything and everything that I needed to feel whole again. He was a treasure that most people never find in their lives. Certainly not in high school. But the more surreal and ridiculous our easy, committed, and totally loving relationship seemed at such a young age...the more I cherished it for everything that it was. Ryan is my miracle. I want to be his too. When it got close to the time when I knew my mom would be coming home from work, Ryan stood up and I walked him to the front door again. But he was hesitant to leave right away. "Randy? You know...you don't have to go through this alone. You know that, right?" He said. "If you want me to stay...? I mean, I'll be right here to hold your hand when you tell her. You know I will." I kissed him softly on the lips. "I know." I said. "But, honestly...I think this is something that I've got to do on my own. I really want to know how she feels about...well...everything. And, no offense, but my mom loves you...and I don't want her to pull any punches or suppress any feelings for the sake of...'company'. You know?" "Yeah. I get it." Ryan said. And he moved in to hug me tight. An affectionate embrace that helped me to shake myself free of some of the jitters in my stomach as I inhaled his candied scent and reveled in the warmth of his arms holding me with such concern. "It's gonna be alright. K?" "I hope so, babe. I really do." Thank you soooo much for reading, and for all of your feedback and support! And be sure to grab a copy of the new eBooks at the COMICALITY EBOOK SECTION link!!! More ebooks being posted every month! So keep an eye out! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY SHACK FANS!!!
  14. Hehehe, hey look...there's Stefan and Gavin hanging out together...'again'. They do a lot of that. ::Raises Eyebrow::
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