What is Love? - 2. Chapter 2

Kasey's Journal

Joural Entry # 821

Well after a few months of going back and forth with things, I finally did it. I caved in to my therapist's advice and took a couple weeks from work before I go deciding on the job offers I've been presented and face matters head on. I still can't believe I'm keeping these journal entries going after 8 years, I'll give it to all of the doctors I’ve seen through the years it has helped quite a bit. Of course all of this writing does no good if I don't actually do anything about facing my fears. But I'm getting away from the point of the entry and I don't have a lot of time to finish before Lexi and I head out to dinner.

I finally decided to come back home and spend time with Lex, and visit the rest of the family. God I've missed him. He hasn't changed much since I left him in college. I was happy when he finally forgave me for up and leaving him like I did. We had always planned to finish school together. I just wasn’t sure how to deal with the feelings I had and instead of facing it, I ran. I'm hoping that we can find some time to really talk about things. Ugh I am all over the place, I don't know why when I start thinking or writing about Alexi I tend to lose focus.

He never did catch up to my height, but he's not that much shorter than me, probably 5' 8". He's managed to drop some weight, and keep it off. I guess running has been a good outlet for him. He still keeps his light blonde hair short, which I like. His steel blue eyes still just hit me like a ton of bricks when he looks at me though. When I was hugging him in his backyard today it took everything I had in me not to kiss him. Ugh, I don't know if I can do this. Maybe I'll just cut my visit short and take the promotion that will have me working in Hawaii for a few years.

He keeps telling me he’s happy to see me, but I’ve noticed a few little things that make me wonder. If I brush against him reaching for something or bump against him standing near each other he pulls away from me. His eyes seems to have lost some of the sparkle they used to have. His gaze still tears at my soul but there’s almost a sadness there behind it all. Did someone hurt him while I was too busy hiding from my emotions to be there to protect him?

Dinner and Drinks for a welcome home tonight first. I can't run away again. I’ve got to take a chance and deal with the fallout. Maybe a few days won't kill me… then again time I’m not afraid of, His reaction is. I have to at least make it to our birthday.

The bass in the bar was pumping a bit louder than I would have liked but Ken wanted to head out for a few rounds at a bar after a great dinner at my favorite restaurant. We had taken a cab from my house knowing that we would probably get really drunk tonight and I did NOT want to leave my car unattended. Sure the town tends to be safe but I didn't want to risk any more parking tickets there.

"Ken, I'm glad you decided to come home for a visit." I yelled to him.

Ken just smiled back at me. I have no clue if he heard me or not. We had been in the bar for an hour or so and I've had probably one or two drinks more than I normally would have and boy was I feeling it.

"You know I've missed this Lexi." he said leaning towards me to make sure I heard him. "I don't know what it is but I never could manage to have as much fun... or relax as much when it isn't with you."

I smiled at him. "Oh you're just hoping I make an ass out of myself again like I did on our 21st birthday.” I made a face to drive home the point that he would be sadly mistaken that would happen. “You know that won't happen, right...? First off, we didn't do mexican food tonight for dinner.” I cringed thinking back to that event. Definitely not one to be repeated… EVER. “Secondly, I haven't drank nearly that much tonight." I decided to emphasize that point by very maturely sticking my tongue out at him.

God he could be such a smartass when he wanted to be, but he was right. All the times I had gone out, especially after he told me he was leave school and again when he finally joined the Police. I had gone out to see if drinking could make the shock and pain from it all stop. It never did, I usually wound up blackout drunk and still feeling no better.

"Well, I am happy to hear that you finally learned to pace yourself... and how to hold your alcohol."

He playfully tapped my shoulder with his fist. I had forgiven him for up and leaving me at school after about a year, but being here like this I started to feel that distance between us again. I ordered another very large Sex on the Beach for myself, and downed it a little faster than I probably should have, followed shortly after by another. I think by the third Ken suspected something was going on. As I went to order a fourth one and he grabbed my arm before I could get the bartender's attention again.

"I think you've probably had enough and it's getting late. Why don't we just head home Lexi?" he asked.

It took me a few seconds to process what he had said but I nodded. You idiotic fool! I thought to myself. Way to kill the evening there Einstein. We left a tip, having paid for our rounds as we ordered them, and he helped guide me to the door. When we stepped outside the cool air had a mixed effect on me. I felt slightly more refreshed but a few seconds later the world started to tilt. Ken caught me, and had me lean against the wall while he hailed a cab for us.

I managed to survive the cab ride home without a repeat of the infamous 21st birthday taxi fiasco. When we got to the house I was guided to my bedroom, and proceeded to promptly pass out for the night. I do believe the last thought that went through my mind was along the lines of, Dear lord when did I get old?