Nicky - 2. Forever

After I spent most of the morning and early afternoon being consoled by my two best friends, it was time for me to start packing my things for my release. I hadn't yet taken any kind of shower, as the entire morning had been filled with antics and...well, sadness. I knew I wasn't in the best-looking shape at the moment; my hair was messy, my clothes needed washing, and I probably smelled a bit funny. Not that anyone actually cared; most of them were talking to walls anyway.

“How about this shirt?” Robert asked, holding up a blue American Eagle shirt I had bought on a trip to the mall a few weeks back. Then, he looked at it “Well, actually, I think this one is cuter...” he held up a pink shirt of the same design, “...it shows off your 'physique' better!” He seemed terribly excited to be able to design my outfits. They were never out of the ordinary or exotic or anything, always completely normal and everything matched.

“Do you mind if I pick out my own clothes for the day?” I asked, taking both shirts and laying them out in my suitcase. “And I'd like my other sock back,” I held up a single blue sock. “Where's the other one?”

He blushed and held up the culprit footwear, handing it to me. “But, but, it's so soft! I just had to wear it to see what your feet feel like...” He wiggled his bare toes on his right foot; his left foot was sporting a bright, very loud rainbow sock.

“Yeah, and of course you wouldn't let it match your other sock, right?” I jarred.

He gasped. “No, never! Wouldn't want to look crazy or anything.” He snickered. I was a bit surprised; usually Robert was sensitive to words that could accurately describe him. When I was introducing my roommate to other people I had to dumb down his personality so it wouldn't hurt his feelings. For him, ignorance was bliss. I guess today he was in a more upbeat mood (if that was actually possible) because I had somewhat allowed him to help me pack.

Cody, on the other hand, was off in his room across the hall, writing secretively in his notebook. I knew this because I could see right into his room, and I could tell what he was writing.

“Hey Cody, I think they've already invented Morse Code bud!” I called out to him. “The government's Cryptography Department would be happy to have you though.” He threw down his pencil and swore. Apparently he wasn't interested in joining the NSA just yet; I guess that was for when he was done with this program.

“Nick, can't you see I'm working?” he said irately. I really loved to push his buttons. “I need to get this message out to the world and tell them of the government's plans for...” he stopped, his eyes widening. He looked over at Robert and me. “Do you...do you think they can hear me right now?” he asked seriously.

Robert and I burst out laughing. “Take your meds, Cody!” Robert shouted, loud enough so that, in case there was a staff member in the vicinity, they would hear. Cody grumbled and folded his arms on top of his desk, resting his head and scratching a design into the wood with his pencil. Cody loved taking his meds. Actually, I should say that we loved Cody taking his meds. He became less...crazy. I mean paranoid.

Robert was a different story when it came to medications. Since he was so small, his body was so sensitive to every drug imaginable, including Tylenol. For him, pretty much everything was a sleeping pill, so he hardly ever took them. Really the only time he needed them was when he had a nervous break down, but...he was just so happy all the time, there was only one occurrence I could remember where he was really shaken.

“Hi there!” he exclaimed, holding his hand out to greet me. “I'm your new roommate!”

I looked down at the ground sadly. They didn't even trust me to be by myself. “I'm...er...Nick,” I replied softly. My shaking hand connected with his, and I felt a jolt of energy rush through me as he shook both our hands exuberantly, his eyes filled to the brim with excitement. “So...I guess we'll be staying in a room together, huh?”

“Yep, you bet!” he said. His smile was as wide as could be, and he was practically bouncing on his feet; this kid was full of energy.

“What are you here for?” I asked, letting my bag slump off my shoulder and onto the ground, next to what I assumed was my bed.

“What am I here for?” he echoed. “I live here! This is my home.” He looked at me as though I had just asked him if he was a boy or girl. Actually, I wondered that.

“So...you just stay here forever?” I furrowed my brow a bit. How could someone just live at a place like this?

“Sure, why not? I don't have anyplace else to go!” His expression looked like he had just seen a panda learning to crawl. I couldn't tell why this kid was so bubbly, but it seemed as though it was going to get on my nerves.

“Alright...er...what's your name again?”

“I'm Robert! And you're Nick, in case you forgot that too...”

“Right, Robert...just let me be by myself okay? I'd rather not try to get to know anyone here if I don't have to. I'm not exactly a people-person.”

He looked at me for a moment and then smiled and wrapped his arms around my body, pulling me into a tight embrace. I was not expecting it.

“What the...fuck?” I said, struggling to get free. “Get off of me!” I pushed him forward, causing him to trip over himself and land on his bed, hitting his head against the wall. He laid there for a moment then leaned up, holding his head with his hand. Tears were welling up in his eyes.

“Oh...damn, I'm sorry Robert.” I held out my hand to help him up, but he refused it and curled up into a ball, shaking as if I were going to hurt him. I did hurt him.

“Hey Nick, what about these shoes?” I awoke from my trance with a start. I looked over at Robert, who was holding two pairs of slip-on shoes, moving them up and down to see which had more 'weight.' I smiled at him and his cute outfit he had put on while I was with Cody; a pink t-shirt, white sweatpants, and a beanie hat that had bunny ears on top. Needless to say, it looked adorable.

“I'll let you pick which ones you like better, Rob,” I said with a sad smile. I was going to miss Robert, he had helped me feel so much better over the past months.

“Whoa now, what's gotten you all sentimental?” he asked, flopping both shoes on my bed. Not only did I never let him plan my outfits, I also almost never called him 'Rob.'

I just walked up to him and took him into a tight embrace; the same one that he had given me the very first night I was there. The only difference was, he didn't try to get away.

“You feeling okay, Nicky?” He patted my back. I actually liked it this time when he called me Nicky; it reminded me how much he cared about me...and how he hadn't really remembered the events of the night 6 months earlier. Since he hit his head, and his doctors gave him medication to calm him down, the next day he was completely fresh and couldn't remember a thing. He even went through the same spiel of introducing himself he had done before, complete with the hug and everything. That time, though, I didn't try and get away. I even hugged him back a little bit.

“Yeah, I'm alright Robert.” I leaned into his shoulder a little bit. “I'm really gonna miss you, you're the only person who was able to make me feel good after John...”

Robert stroked his fingertips across the back of my neck, and I immediately stopped talking. He knew the only surefire way to shut me up was to do this, and it worked. Every time.

“It's okay Nick,” he soothed, “you can still come and visit me anytime.” He gave me another reassuring squeeze, and I broke off the hug, looking into his eyes. He nodded, as if to confirm his promise.

“Hey you two, don't make me jealous,” Cody roared. We both looked up, and there he was, standing in the doorway. In his hand was a bottle of water and a small cup.

“What'cha got there, Cody?” Robert asked. But we both knew what it was.

“Well,” Cody started, “I figured that for Nicky's last day I should at least be tolerable, and since you were so kind to remind me, Robert, I decided to suck it up and take my medications.” With that, he took a swig of water and downed three white pills. He shuddered a bit then smiled. “Not so bad. It's worth it for a friend.”

“Aww, that's so sweet of you,” Robert cooed. Cody blushed a bit and nodded. I nodded my head back in agreement with Robert.

“Does that mean I have to give you a present?” I asked sarcastically. “I didn't get you any flowers.”

Cody scoffed. “Just promise me that you'll never come back here again,” he said with a very serious tone. I knew why he wanted me to leave so badly. He had a love/hate relationship with most of the people here, and he hated the reason why he was here. Apparently that meant that no one was able to benefit from treatment. But I knew now wasn't the time for that.

“You got it, bud.”

It was about 3:00 by the time I had packed most of my things, showered, and gotten dressed (in the outfit that Robert had picked out, of course). Robert and I were sitting in the common area of our wing, while Cody was off with his roommate, Chase.

“When's he getting here?” Robert asked, bubbly as ever. He was like a soda, except Robert was never flat, so he would be the perfect soda to drink. I licked my lips at the thought.

“Soon,” I replied, checking my watch. “He still has to fill out release forms before I can leave, though.”

Robert was brimming with excitement. Literally, his legs were bouncing as he anticipated meeting my father. Robert didn't actually have a family, he was an orphan, so it was hard for him to imagine what it was like to have one. Though, my family wasn't much: just me and my dad. And then there was John...

“Hey Nick!” I looked up. Coming at me was a short, shaggy blond-haired boy wearing nothing but a pair of cargo shorts and tennis shoes, who had a big grin on his face. It was Chase, Cody's [much] younger roommate. I could tell he had either been working out or playing outside (more likely), because he was red-faced and probably dripping in sweat. He ran up to me at full speed.

“Eww, eww, sweat, go away,” I cringed as he came closer. But Chase paid no attention; instead he tackled me and pinned me to the floor. Even though he was smaller and younger than all of us, he was very strong and had almost as much energy as Robert.

Chase laughed. “What's the magic word Nicky?”

I scrunched my face up when I felt him pressing himself further down on me. “Blech! I can't breathe...” I choked as he sat on my windpipe.

“Mmm, sorry, that's not what I was looking for. Try again!” He bounced on my chest again.

“Chase! That's enough, leave Nick alone!” Chase immediately looked up in fear as his older brother, Jason, shot him a piercing glare from across the room. He picked himself up off of me and held out his hand.

“S-Sorry Nick...I didn't mean to hurt you...” he apologized. He looked like he was about to start crying.

I reassured him by giving him a pat on the head. “It's alright buddy. It's good to see you too.”

He perked back up again, smiling at Robert and me as hard as he could. Chase really looked up to us; we were like his role models. His older brother, Jason, well...

“Chase, get over here,” Jason scolded as he started marching toward us. Chase immediately went to his brother's side.

“I-I'm sorry Jason...I didn't mean to hurt him...I was just so happy to see him a-and...”

Jason responded by hitting him upside the head. “Now, what have I told you before?” he quizzed.

Chase winced in pain and started to cry. “T-That I should l-leave others alone...” he sniffled.

Jason nodded. “Right.” Jason held his brother's hand and wrapped his other arm around his head; since he was so much taller than Chase, it was the only way he could give him a hug without crouching down to his height. “It's just because I love you, brother, and I don't want anyone to hurt you.” He turned to me. “Hey Nick, I heard today's your last day?”

Robert and I exchanged concerned looks. Normally Jason was rather overprotective of his brother, but this was a bit extreme.

“Oh, yeah, it is...” I trailed off, unsure of how to bring up what had just happened. “Uh...Jason?” I asked, thinking carefully about the word choice I was going to use.

“Yeah, what's up Nick?” He walked over to us, holding Chase's hand tightly. Chase looked down at the floor, practically paralyzed with fear.

“Don't you think you should be a bit easier on Chase? I mean, he was just playing...” I said carefully. Jason dropped Chase's hand and knelt down.

“Why don't you go get that thing I asked about earlier, okay buddy?” he said quietly. Chase ran off to his room, leaving the three of us alone. He turned to Robert and me with a rather sullen look on his face. “Chase is my brother, and I'm the only one he has to take care of him.”

“Well yeah, but...” Robert interjected.

“But nothing,” interrupted Jason, a bit irritated now. “He's my brother, why do you care how I take care of him?”

“Because you're hurting him,” came the soft, but strong voice of Cody. We all turned around to see Cody walking in, still dressed in the same clothes as before, but this time he was more well-groomed and he looked like he had taken a shower. “You can't possibly think that's the correct way to treat your brother.”

Jason was afraid of Cody, and they both knew it. It's not that Cody was mean to him or anything, but for some reason he was intimidated by him. “Look, I...may not always be the best brother to him. But I try...” He looked down at the ground. “I just don't want him to get hurt by anyone. He's all I have left.”

We were unsure of how to respond to this. Jason sniffled and looked back up, with a semi-genuine smile on his face. “Well Nick, I have something to give you to remember Chase and me by, and I sent him off to go get it. I wonder where he is...” He walked off to go and find Chase.

I turned to Cody and Robert when I was sure Jason was out of earshot. “Well, that was...depressing,” I said, lowering my head. “I don't really know how to deal with that.”

Cody sighed. “It's probably best for us not to intervene,” he said, and then stopped himself. “I mean, I know I did, but that's because he was going to do something bad if we didn't say anything.”

“Well this place is crawling with doctors, do you think we should tell one of them?” I polled. Actually, I was a bit surprised someone didn't already know. Usually this kind of thing would've been seen by now...

“Let's just keep it quiet for now, okay?” He brightened up a bit. “Besides Nick, you're leaving today, you don't have to worry about it anymore!”

I looked off into space. I still couldn't really believe I was actually leaving...I wasn't completely sure if I wanted to yet. Before I could correct him, Jason and Chase came walking back, Chase holding something behind his back.

“Okay now, close your eyes Nicky!” Chase said happily. I smiled and closed them tightly; I was quite curious to see what they had gotten me. I heard a little gasp come from Robert, and even a small one, I could tell, came out of Cody. “Open them now, Nick!”

I smiled again and opened my eyes. “Alright buddy, what did you...” Chase was holding a large Siberian Husky stuffed animal. My expression dropped and I tilted my head. “Oh guys...that's so sweet of you...” I looked to Jason, who just smiled and nodded. I looked over to my other pals. “Did you guys know about this too?” I asked them. Robert shook his head; so did Cody. I guess it was a secret from everyone else, too.

I took the stuffed animal from Chase and squeezed him in my arms. “He's so soft...” I said happily. “Thank you Chase, this is really something special, buddy.” I leaned down and hugged him gently, being sure not to get too much of his body against mine since I didn't want him to rub against me. I let go and went over to Jason, giving him a full body hug that not only thanked him for the gift he and his brother had given me, but consoled him for all of his hardships and troubles. He knew what I was doing when I patted his back softly; I was saying that everything was going to be okay.

“Hey Nick, there's more to it!” Chase exclaimed.

I turned back to him. “Oh yeah?” I asked.

“Yeah, look on the tag!” He pointed to the tag on the husky's ear. I opened it up. It read: Nick, we're all going to miss you and we hope that wherever you go, you'll always remember us. They were all too sentimental. We know your life has been hard these past few months so we wanted to give you something that you can hold on to whenever you're down. Remember, you'll get better.

“Aww...this is really sweet guys, thank you.” I said after I had finished. I wondered how much trouble they had gone through to get that written into the tag. I noticed something on the reverse side of the tag: it was a little biography of the puppy. I smiled and decided to read it aloud: “We're glad you've decided to adopt this adorable Siberian Husky!” We all chuckled. “He's a playful little puppy who needs a loving home where he can spread his joy with the rest of the world. We hope you enjoy his company; welcome home the newest member of your family, John the Siber-” I stopped and gulped. I looked up at Chase; this couldn't possibly be what he had just given me.

“What's the matter Nick?” Chase asked, looking a bit worried.

“H-His name is John?” I stuttered, my eyes watering up a bit. Robert immediately realized what was happening and placed his hand on my shoulder.

“I'm sure he didn't know, buddy...” he consoled me softly. I turned to him, my eyes now completely filled with burning hot tears.

“He...didn't know?” I cried. I threw the dog at Robert; he caught it easily. My hands immediately went over my face and sobs flowed out of my throat and filled the air around us all.

“Nick...I'm sorry...” Chase said with a cry starting in his own voice too. I looked up to see Jason holding his brother against him; Robert was rubbing my shoulder, and Cody just looked worried. I leaned into Robert's chest and started sobbing again.

“It's okay Nick, it's going to be okay,” he kept saying over and over. I hugged him tightly, not only because I needed someone to be there for me but because I would fall over if I didn't have support. My head felt light-headed and emotions were washing over me so fast I thought I would pass out.

“I can't...take it anymore...” I heard myself say, my voice muffled by Robert's body. “I just can't believe he's gone...”

“Nick, it'll be alright,” Robert soothed me softly. I felt his arms wrap themselves around me and pull me even closer to him. “Everything's going to be okay.”

Everything was going to be okay. I was going to go home today and be with my father again, and everything would be the way it was before. I would see my brother and give him a big hug, and he would tell me how much he loved me, and we would stay up all night talking about the things we had done while we were gone. Things would be just like old times.

But they wouldn't. I would never see him again; he was gone, taken away from me forever. The only person I had ever cared about more than anything was gone, and he would never be back. When I went home it would be empty; when I went to sleep it would be in cold, eerily still silence. I'd dream of times when he was still with me, and I'd wake up in a cold sweat, sobbing, because I knew it could never be.

“He's never coming back...” I sobbed.

He was gone forever.