Nicky - 1. Normal

Just one more time, I wish I could say it...

It was a sweet and sunny day outside. Clouds lazed along the bright blue horizon. Somewhere, a couple was having wedding pictures taken against a perfectly picturesque landscape. A family was enjoying a picnic in the park. Friends were playing a game of ultimate frisbee. All of this was happening, somewhere, while I remained in my little stasis cell. My confinement. My home.

“Early bird catches the worm, Nick,” my roommate, Robert, announced as he arose from his bed. I groaned at his exuberant attitude and stuffed my pillow over my face. He pulled it off of me and smiled right into my eyes.

“Come on, it's already 10:00,” he grinned, pointing to his watch. “We wouldn't want to be late...” He rudely tossed my covers off, exposing my pajama bottoms to the rest of the world.

“Piss off...” I said half-seriously. He immediately stopped and his smile dropped. “Er...” I started to recount what I had just said, since his lip was starting to quiver. “Sorry...”

As if nothing had been said, he perked back up and threw his (my) comforter around his neck and fashioned it into a cape. “Lead me to your people, Nick!”

I scoffed and chuckled a bit. This was nothing new for Robert– every morning he woke up as bright as the sun that caused his life. He always lightened my mood, always found a way to brighten my day. But, sometimes...he was a bit much.

Today though, I wasn't feeling too harsh or critical. So I decided to play along. “Onward!” I commanded, opening my bedroom door and marching out into the hallway. We must have looked like quite the pair – two teenagers literally marching down a hallway, one with a blanket around him. It's okay. People thought we were weird anyways.

Robert decided it would be fun to recruit others into our war effort (who we were going to war with, I'm not sure...maybe the girls), so he started banging on doors to enlist more young men in the fight against the wind. Which, of course, caused people to think there was a fire or something, which caused panic, and...well, you get the idea. Let's just say that, by the end of the hallway, it looked like a bit of a mess. More than a few of the other “gents” had started packing their things to evacuate the threat of fire. Even though there was none. I just shook my head; maybe that was enough of “General Nicklaus” for me today.

One of the other boys, Cody, came up to us with a grin on his face. “So, I see the objective today is to cause as much chaos as possible, right?” He punched my arm lightly. “Trying to make a grand finale for yourself, Nicky?”

Ugh. I hated being called Nicky. But Cody was one of the more normal people I interacted with. “Yeah, I am, actually,” I stated triumphantly. “Jealous that I get to leave and you don't?” I punched him back.

He smiled. There was a lightly sad twinkle in his eye. “I'm gonna miss you Nicky. You've been a good pal here in this...” he looked around at the mess that had been made in the hallway “...place.” His hand landed on my shoulder. “But at least I've got you in my thoughts. And my heart.” He stared into my eyes for a moment.

“Pfft, what the hell is this, 'Days of Our Lives?'” Robert interjected. He came between us to break our pseudo trance on each other. “Knock it off, you two, before you get lovey-dovey.”

We all shared a laugh. It was no secret, though, that I had a bit of a thing for Cody. I mean, honestly, he was pretty cute. His deep brown eyes matched his flowing long hair, which perfectly complimented his tall, well-built frame. Okay, so he was really cute. But it was just a thing, nothing more. I couldn't really bring myself to take a relationship; it wasn't entirely easy to do it anymore.

“Kommen!” shouted Robert. I never understood his random spouts of German he liked to erupt. Actually, and Mandarin, and Spanish, and French...he was a special person. “We must continue the fight!” He started marching off again. Cody and I trailed along behind him, not really wanting to be a part of his antics, in case we had to clean up our (his) mess.

“Well, it really is the day, isn't it?” Cody asked. “You finally get your freedom.” He wrapped his arm around me. I shuddered a bit in pleasure and he knew I did. He was such a tease.

“Yeah, freedom...” I echoed. Something about freedom just seemed foreign to me. I mean, it had been six months since I had arrived, and since then I had actually gotten used to a new life. Having an orderly schedule in a relaxed environment was doing wonders for me. I turned to him and leaned a bit into his ear so others wouldn't hear us. “Do you think I could find a way to stay here a bit longer?”

He looked at me with a doubtful gaze. “Longer?” he scoffed. “You've spent half a year here, why do you want to stay longer?”

I shrugged. “I dunno...” But I did know. I knew quite well.

“Well shoot, I mean, you could suddenly get all paranoid and freaky, then they'd let you stay longer,” he cracked a smile, as did I. We both basked for a moment in the mental image of seeing me rocking back and forth with my arms around my knees, muttering something like “I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy...” - What a great word that was. It was so inclusive. I loved to throw it at people every chance I got. And the others just loved it.

He shook his head, as if to kill the thought. “Nah, that's too obvious. Make a threat. Like a bomb threat or something!” he said enthusiastically. He looked over at me and smiled brightly. “That could be fun!”

Cody scared me sometimes. When I said he was the most “normal,” I meant he was the one with the most normal problem. Often times he would come up with these plots of murder or overthrowing the government that actually were very well-planned and thought out. Usually I had to stop him before he could make a fool out of himself and get in trouble; it wasn't like he could do anything except live in his fantasy plots. But still, it scared me sometimes. And besides, I hated to see him get in trouble; trouble meant solitary confinement.

“Maybe something a little bit tamer. I'm trying to stay, not get arrested.” We both started pondering up ways to get myself into minor altercations or situations. A few of our common thoughts: Starting a food fight, putting a “kick me” sign on someone's back, making fun of someone (although that usually started an actual fight, so we scrapped that one), and claiming to hear a buzzing tone. What a pair we were.

After a while of following our Great Leader Robert around, we had wandered into the dining hall, otherwise known as the dungeon hall. It was there where the cooks forced us to eat roaches and rats and “stew surprise” that we were all sure contained some kind of live animal...

Nah. The food was actually really good. And all of the chefs were really nice, they treated us very well and they would sneak us food we weren't really supposed to have, like cookies and cake. If it was someone's birthday, that person also usually got to have whatever desert they wanted from the pastry chef. This wasn't your ordinary box-mix chocolate cake – oddly enough, the pastry chef was a very talented and somewhat famous chef who could literally make you cry with how good his food was. And he always knew when you were feeling down, because he would bring you a little something from his kitchen, made with love.

The three of us, now realizing that we were probably hungry, trudged into line with trays. Even though it was already after 10:00, there were still a few night-owls just getting their breakfast. Or, maybe for those super-early birds, lunch. Those people get the best worms...

We filled our trays up with several mouth-watering strips of bacon, perfectly browned cinnamon toast, and a hearty bowl of fruit. Well, at least, I did. Robert's tray consisted of nothing but donuts and cereal; just what he needed: sugar. Cody, who rarely ate anything at all, just picked an apple (which I knew was going to be about half-eaten before it found its way into the composting pile).

The server at the end of the line, Tracy, greeted us with a warm smile. Tracy was a sweet, hearty black lady who could revive even the most desolate souls with her personality. She constantly was preaching to us the “Good Word” and she made an effort to become friends with everyone she interacted with. Yes, she was a bit stereotypical. But we didn't care; all of us were. “Morning boys, I see God's been good to y'all this morning?”

“Everything's fine with us Tracy,” Robert said cheerfully. “Hey, you know Nick's leaving today?”

She looked at me with a shocked, and somewhat sad, expression. “Oh, say it isn't so!” She wrapped her arms around me in a warm, tight, embrace. Tight. “Oh, sweetheart, I'm gonna miss you...” Nobody around us in line paid much attention to the outright display of affection. It was normal, just like everything and everyone else. I felt as though my distant aunt was giving me a hug before sending me off to college.

“Maybe I'll be back,” I said simply.

She smiled and nodded. “Let's hope you won't be, honey.”

After a few more hugs and a few promises of “keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,” we sat down with our food at a table by ourselves. Normally we each ate alone; I liked the solitude it provided me, Robert was able to rejuvenate his energy, and Cody plotted out his escape plans. Occasionally we sat with a few others, and on holidays (like Christmas or Thanksgiving), we all ate together, including most of our cooks and the other staff.

As I gnawed away at the sinfully good bacon, I wondered how I would feel when I went home. My father would be there with me, but that would be it. No mother, no other family. Just the two of us. It wasn't always like that...

“Gooood morning guys!” came the loud, obnoxiously happy voice of one of my doctors, Dr. Gerald. Even more chipper than Robert on a Red Bull, Dr. Gerald was always peppy and seemed to run on nothing but happiness. I never have seen him drop his upbeat attitude for even a moment – his job, unsurprisingly, is to keep the morale of all of the “patients” (they didn't like to call us that – they usually called us “friends” or occasionally “students,” though the place we were at was hardly a school) high and to prevent recurrences of self-harming behavior or...worse.

Dr. Gerald pulled up a chair next to me and leaned his head on the chair back. “So, you glad to finally escape the Land of 1000 Doctors?” he said with a grin. I chuckled back. “You know Nick, I was a bit surprised to hear that your father hadn't requested an extension. Guess he accepted the terms of our ransom and will be trading you for all the gold in the land!” I rolled my eyes. Normal.

“I actually kinda want to stay here a bit longer...” I said before I could think about it. He looked at me a bit quizzically, with a concerned look on his face.

“Why would you want to stay longer? This place is for...” he lowered his gaze and dropped his voice, “crazy people.” We all snickered; calling each other crazy was absolutely the worst thing you could do to piss off any of the staff.

“I just...I dunno, I feel like I should be here for a little while longer, y'know?” I answered honestly.

“Is everything alright Nick?” he asked. I nodded, but it was a bit too insincere for him. He got up from his chair, his peppy attitude now replaced by a calmer and more stable demeanor. “Come on,” he said, walking out of the hall. “Let's go into my office.”

I turned back and waved to Robert and Cody, who were looking a bit worried. Robert actually looked a bit sad, which made me feel sad. Cody sat there with his arms folded, pretending not to care, yet I could see a concerned look in his eyes.

Dr. Gerald and I entered his small, cozy room he called an office. I think it was more like his nap room than his office; the only thing that was even remotely similar to an “office” was that he had a computer, which most of the time he spent playing Skyrim on. I should mention, Dr. Gerald was only about 10 years older than me. It was no wonder that he acted so enthusiastically; he was basically still a kid.

“What's got you up in a cloud?” he asked as he relaxed into his armchair. “Something amiss?”

I sighed. “I miss John,” I said softly. His head tilted a bit sympathetically.

There was silence for a moment while he let the phrase sink in. “I know you do buddy,” he reached over and placed his hand on my shoulder. “It's okay to miss him.”

“I know, but...when I go back home, I don't know what I'll do.” I stretched out on his couch, my slippers resting on the arm on the opposite side. “It's like, we shared the same room for 14 years. His bed is still in there, and it's still unmade like it was when he last slept in it.”

“Nick...” he started.

“And it's like, I can't even sleep at night without thinking about him. About our last day together, and how much I want to tell him I love him.” My eyes started to water up.

Dr. Gerald noticed this and handed me a handkerchief. He didn't like using tissues, he said they were much too wasteful (apparently everyone was an environmentalist, too). “Nick, buddy, I know you don't want to, but eventually you'll have to accept the fact that he just isn't here anymore.”

I let it all out. The tears dripping out of my eyes started flowing, and the room was filled with the sound of my sobs erupting from me. I buried my face in the hood of the sweatshirt I was wearing and let all of my emotions flow out of me. I felt Dr. Gerald's hand on my shoulder again, and it was squeezing lightly, comforting me.

When my sobs had subsided some, he said, “It's alright Nick. I know it's hard to accept.” He cast his gaze downward to the ground. “You know, I still can't quite accept that my girlfriend was killed in a car accident, and that was over 6 years ago.” He sighed sadly and looked back up, a weak smile forming on his face. “But we have to get on with our lives, otherwise we'll just be wallowing the whole time.”

There was a knock on the door. “Come in,” Dr. Gerald said, wiping his eye on his sleeve. I remained hidden inside my jacket, my face still red from the sobbing I had just gotten done with.

“Dr. Gerald...” came a timid, quiet voice. I peeked outside my hood to see Robert and Cody standing in the doorway, Robert having shed his cape with Cody holding it, folded up into a square. “Is...Is Nick okay?”

Dr. Gerald looked at me, and then back to them. “I think he is, he's just having a bit of a hard time right now. Why don't you guys...” he thought for a moment about what to say, “...show him you're here for him whenever he needs you?”

They didn't need any further encouragement. Robert practically jumped onto the sofa and hugged me so tightly I thought my insides would crawl out. Cody was more congenial, taking a seat next to me properly and unfurling the blanket, wrapping it around the three of us. He, too, embraced me warmly and I fell into their arms.

“Aww...now isn't that the sweetest thing,” Dr. Gerald commented. “See Nick, you have friends who will take care of you.”

I smiled, a few tears still dripping out of my eyes. Robert was still squeezing me as tightly as he could, and whispering little spouts of jumbled words into my ear, like “It'll be okay,” and, “Don't worry about it, Nick...” Cody was simply letting my head rest on his shoulder, his firm hand stroking my hair softly. Resting my head further into Cody, and bringing Robert with me, the three of us cuddled together on the couch.

Normal.