A Thousand Nights with You - 11. The naked truth

Tristan and I are told to wait outside at the waiting area. Few places in the school have lights turned on at night. The Colonel’s office is one of them. The generator runs on fuel and they are harder to find these days. Supply runs are returning with fewer and fewer yields each time. Pretty soon, modern inventions like electricity, ammunition, medicines will run out. Cars, planes and internet will slowly become bedtime stories we tell to ourselves to remind us that it wasn’t a figment our imagination. One day, we will all live like cavemen again.

Charts, graphs and tables filled the white board outside the Colonel’s office. There are records of supplies in stock held by the Quartermaster, weekly transaction reports among people and the labour chart on who is doing what role. This is how the Colonel keeps things under control here. I wonder what will happen once they run out of markers, no one produces them anymore.

One corner of the white board detailing the pay outs for different labours caught my attention. I tiptoe to take a closer look.

(Exploratory route) Supply runs: 1000 plus bounty

(Established route) Supply runs: 500 plus bounty

Scout: 120 per hour

Patrols: 100 per hour, 150 (outside compound)

Sentries: 80 per hour

Labour (Heavy), 50 per hour

Labour (light), 20 per hour (plus harvest for food production)

Service (sanitary), 25 per hour

Service (sexual), 95 per hour

Service (general), 20 per hour

“It’s cheaper to buy sex now?” I ask Tristan.

“Demand and supply, Dan. You flood the market.” He smirks.

I jab him in the ribs for the swipe at my abysmal market value. My role as a ‘sex worker’ increases the supply, but there isn’t a huge demand on my services. That’s why the price goes down. So this is how things work around here. It’s not that I’m complaining. I don’t look forward getting fucked by all those sweaty and smelly soldiers.

I study the intricate transaction reports, marvelling at how detailed the Colonel monitors who buys what and from whom at any point of time. It’s actually pretty scary. All he needs to do is to scrutinise the records, he’ll find out Tristan has been pretty much supporting me by filling up all my nights. That’s also why I’m not in demand. My brother made sure that happens. Nonetheless, I doubt the charade can last long. I need to make myself useful before they realise I’m a freeloader.

There aren’t many career choices around this community. It’s not like I can go back to my old summer job cleaning the animal stalls in the city zoo. Tristan says scouts, patrols and sentries are meant for the soldiers. So that’s not an option for me.

My size and strength is not cut out for hard labour as well. Then again, I might get big muscles like Mark and Jody, carrying all that heavy bricks and beams about. I wonder if I’m able to lift them in the first place.

Admin and service jobs seem doable but I will never be able to afford a decent meal. The only good paying job is to go for supply runs. But the idea of sneaking around the infected again scares the shit out of me.

“How do you sign up for a supply run?” I ask my brother.

He looks at me as if I’m asking a dumb question. “You don’t. The team leader picks their members. Only the people they trust get in.”

“Trust what? Not to run away?”

“No one runs away nowadays. It’s too tough surviving on your own out there. Team leaders got to trust their members not to pilfer supplies and to follow orders. Stupid asses, careless mistakes, bad decisions can get everyone killed.”

“Who are these team leaders? Are you one?” I asked.

He shakes his head. “No. Only Sergeants and above are allowed to lead.”

I recall Grey is a marine Sergeant. No wonder sometimes I don’t see him for days. He must be out for supply runs.

Few moments later, a few soldiers come out from the Colonel’s office. I recognise the Quartermaster and the two marines who apprehended Grey that night. They are probably reporting to the Colonel on the status of their investigation. It seems like all of us who are present that night are asked to see him, except for Grey. I wonder why. He should at least apologize for roughing him up.

We are asked to go inside soon after.

The Colonel looks out at the window. To the south of the school, they are constructing a massive wall out from the gate. Jody and Mark were assigned to that job for the past week. It’s a mysterious construction. No one knows what it is for and why so many soldiers are being deployed to oversee it. Isn’t getting people fed more important? Such a waste of manpower. The school walls are already sturdy enough to keep us safe.

Colonel Walters turns around, arms behind his back.

He looks a lot older than the pictures he kept on the table. Deep lines etched his face and grey hairs lined the sides. It’s like he aged twenty years in the past two months. He looks at us and said,

“I asked both of you here for two reasons.”

Tristan stands at attention as the Colonel walks in front of him.

“One. I expect complete honesty from the people I lead. Trust goes both ways.”

He stares at my brother, his eyes questioning and cold. When he looks at people, he looks as if he can drill into your head. It is very unsettling.

“I’m… not sure what you are driving at, Sir.” Tristan said. His face glistens with sweat.

The Colonel paces a few steps. He says, “Then I will make it plain. I noticed the two of you have been close. Your records show that you spend a thousand points to hire him every night for the past week. I find that very unusual, and I asked myself why.”

His voice is calm but his face is cold and calculating. Then he said. “Now that I see the two of you side by side, I can’t help but notice the resemblances. Is there something I should know?”

We froze. Now that the secret is out, the Colonel can do anything to us. My brother is on the verge of panic.

“Sir, please. I…”

The Colonel raises a hand to interrupt. “I’m not interested in excuses. You are well aware of the consequences for breaking rules.”

Tristan swallowed. The Colonel narrowed his eyes and glares at both of us. I can’t help but tighten my grip over the scissors in my pocket. I can kill him and run off together with my brother. I will not let him chain us to the field.

He stops and turns around. Then he says,

“But I’m not a cruel man.”

My brother and I relaxed a little. The Colonel seems open to compromise, as long as I don’t blow my own chances. I slip my hand back into my pocket.

“What you did is wrong.” The Colonel said to Tristan. “You should have petition to me instead of lying. But I had a family too. So I can understand your desire to protect them. So I will offer you a second chance.”

Tristan sighs with relief. It’s a miracle he didn’t punish my brother. He didn’t hesitate to beat the crap out of Grey that night.

“Thank you, sir. I will do anything for my brother to earn his place here.” Tristan said.

The Colonel shakes his head.

“That is not your duty. Your brother will have to earn his own place. You know the rules.”

And then he turns towards me. My heart pounds like crazy. What does he mean I have to earn my own place? I don’t the sound of it.

“What do I have to do?” I ask.

“Two weeks. If you can feed my men as you claim, I will let you stay.”

“Two weeks? Crops need time to grow!” I exclaim.

“You have two weeks to deliver. Or you will leave this place.”

Tristan and I break out in cold sweat as we exchange a look. Why is the Colonel making such unreasonable demands? It’s not like food supply is running dangerously low. The last time I check the store they still have army rations enough to last us for months. It’s almost like he wants us to die anyway. Why even bother with the charade?

“Understood Sir, we will do it.” Tristan said. My brother’s confidence is unsettling. I don’t know what he’s thinking. There’s no way my small jar of algae can grow that fast. Unless…

“I will need a supply run.” I said. Both the Colonel and Tristan looks at me in surprise. “Mark and I use our apartment rooftop to grow the algae. If I have enough tanks, water and algae to grow, it might be possible.”

It’s a long shot, but if the Colonel keeps his word, I might still be able to do it.

“Very well, I will assign someone to lead the mission.” The Colonel said. He seems very eager to get his hands on the food supply. So much that he’s willing to let us go unpunished.

“I will go. I know what I need.” I said.

Tristan looks at me in horror. “Dan, do you know how dangerous it is out there?”

“I know. And I survived, didn’t I?”

“I will go with you.” My brother said.

The Colonel looks at both of us. For the first time, his scowl softens somewhat. There is some humanity left in him after all. He nods slightly, and that settles for the first thing he wants to see us for.

“The second reason I ask to see you -” He looks at me and said, “is that I want you to keep an eye on Greyson. From the transaction records, he seems quite taken with you. I presume?”

“He… hires me. Yes. But I won’t say he’s taken with me.”

The Colonel seems confused by what I said. I’m not sure if I should tell him what we do behind closed doors. I don’t like the sound of spying on my friend. Didn’t I prove his innocence about the theft?

Before I can say anything, Tristan answers for me. “Grey dresses him up as his wife and talks to him, pretending it’s her. I don’t think he is close to my brother in any way, Sir.”

The information seems to disturb the Colonel greatly. That night Grey says he misses his wife and wants to visit her and the Colonel knows what he’s talking about. Everyone else knows his wife is already dead. Or at least they believe to be so.

“Get close to him by any means necessary. Report to me everything he says to you. If you find anything use to me, I might also consider letting you stay.” The Colonel says.

“B-But why? What did he do wrong?” I ask.

“You don’t need to know.” The Colonel snaps.

“How am I supposed to find out if I don’t know what you are interested to know? You want to know what he likes in bed? Or what he does with little boys like me?”

Tristan shot a look at me. I’m stepping out of line again. The Colonel looks annoyed but he didn’t get worked up. Even if I decide to help him, I still need some context.

He walks back to the window, weighs for a moment, and then he turns around and says. “I will let you know this much. Sergeant Greyson’s loyalty to me is in doubt. He is a good soldier. But people do not always think about the greater good. If he shows any sign of dissent or he tells you anything about his wife. Inform me immediately.”

The Colonel stares, waiting for me to respond. All these talk about greater good and loyalty is totally lost on me. I have no idea what he is talking about. If he is worried about Grey overthrowing him as the boss, then he’s truly paranoid. The poor man is so broken that he’s no more than a walking corpse. But I agree to do what he says. At least I can tell him what I deem fit. He nods his head, satisfied with my response.

Before we leave, he says to me, “I will assign him to lead your mission. This will give you more chance to get close to him.”

Tristan uses his flash light to get our way back. It’s not fun tripping over the stairs in the dark. The meeting with the Colonel unnerved me. It seems like there’s a lot going on in this camp that I don’t know about. At times, the Colonel looks reasonable and smart. Then he gets all paranoid and ruthless in the next second.

What if we run away during the supply run? Grey can come with us since the Colonel obviously don’t trust him. I can get Mark, Tristan and Jody along as well. Then I thought about the five of us trapped on a rooftop, living above a sea of infected, without even a proper door to keep us safe. We will be living like a caged animal, trapped there for the rest of our lives. And if I have to make that trip, I will need to do it soon. Two weeks is a very short time to grow that amount of food.

“I want to stay with Mark tonight.” I said.

“Why?” He asks.

“We don’t have to pretend anymore. And he won’t be happy if I continue to leech on you.” I said. “Besides, I think most people are asleep by now.”

I sneezed. The cold night breeze reminds me of the wet clothes that stuck to my skin. How I wish I have some spare clothes to change into.

“Okay. You want to say goodbye to Mark isn’t it?” Tristan said.

“Yeah, just in case. You know.” I can’t bring myself to say it out loud. Being exiled, surviving the supply run, either way, the chances of me seeing him again are slim. None of the supply runs ever gets so deep and far into the city. We are practically swimming back into a sea of infected.

“Don’t say that. We will make it. I won’t let anything happen to you.” My brother said. “Did you tell him how you feel?”

I nod my head.

“He’s not interested?” He asks.

“He thanks me. He thinks it’s sweet.” I said.

“Bummer. If we make it alive, I will beat the crap out of him.” He shakes his head.

“For what? He did nothing wrong.”

“For being an idiot. If a dog professes its love to me now I will marry it. It’s not like there’s much of a choice around.” Tristan said.

I chuckles. My brother can make the most depressing moments feel lights. No wonder everyone likes him.

“We had a good time this afternoon. He cares about me and I guess that’s what really matters to me most. He doesn’t have to like me back, as long as he doesn’t mind me doing so. Having to hide my feelings for him is like not being able to breathe.” I said.

For the first time, I talk to my brother about these things. I never liked anyone before, not a proper crush at least. It makes us feel really close. He puts an arm over my shoulder and gives me a squeeze.

“Cheer up, Dan. You won’t be lonely. I’m not going anywhere.” Tristan said.

Having someone I care about gives me a reason to live. That’s why I understand how Grey feels. Right now, I have many reasons to live and many things to be grateful for. I am alive, I have Tristan, I have someone I care, and I have friends that I trust. I shan’t be greedy, and I won’t squander my short life away with misery.

My brother holds my hand in the dark, guiding my way back to the room. I squeezed his hand, glad that he will be coming with me. For better or for worse, neither of us will have to die alone.

As we pass by the science block, the corridor reeks of ammonia and corrosive acid. No wonder no one wants to take up quarters in this area. Grey lives in this area, and I almost held my breath the entire time when Grey brings me back to his quarters. It’s nice if you want privacy, but I don’t know how he puts up with the smell.

In the courtyard down the corridor, I hear voices arguing. Under the starry night, I can see Grey’s silhouette; his familiar broad shoulders and light coloured hair. There is another red headed solider with him. Short stature, almost my build, wearing an army tank top and camouflage pants. I can’t see his face clearly but he seems to be around when Felicia was shot. That’s right. He’s the one who cleared her body.

They stopped arguing when they notice us. Our flash lights must have caught their attention. It’s too far away to see their faces. But I imagine from the tone and volume they speak, their conversation mustn’t be very pleasant. We pass by them without stopping.

“What’s the Colonel’s problem with Grey?” I ask Tristan.

“The Colonel has a problem with everyone, Dan. He doesn’t trust anyone anymore. Remember I told you at one time there were three thousand of us? Most of the soldiers who mutinied were his most trusted lieutenants.” My brother replied.

“Why do they do have to kill each other when everyone just wants to survive? I don’t get it.” I said.

“There’s no way this place can feed three thousand people. Back then, people squabble over for the best quarters. Throw in fifty women in the equation, everyone starts fighting for what’s left on this world; food, privileges, sex. That’s why the system is so brutally fair. It gives everyone a fair chance to survive. Otherwise, those who carry guns will get all the privileges and those who don’t will end up as slaves.” He said.

“That sucks. So now you get what you deserve…” I said.

“That’s right. That’s how the whole freeloader things come about. It was a sinking ship back then.” He said.

“Why does the Colonel need so much food so urgently?” I ask.

“I don’t know. He seems to be planning something big. He locks himself in the office with the lieutenants almost every night these days. Foot soldiers like me don’t know a shit.”

He walks me to my room and stops outside.

“Anyway, get some sleep. If you’re sick of Mark, you can always crash in my room.”

He punches my shoulders lightly before he leaves. I wave goodbye and enters my shared quarters with Mark.

The heavy wooden door creaks as I open. He sleeps by the window, his naked form illuminated by the silvery moonlight. I tread lightly, trying not to disturb his sleep. His eyes are groggy as he stirs, and he is surprised to see me there.

“Dan?” He rubs his eyes and squint in the dark.

“Yeah it’s me.”

The wet clothes hangs above him by the window reminds me of how uncomfortable mine feels. My tee shirt and shorts are not dripping wet, but it’s damp enough to cling on my skin and makes me feel like shit.

“You don’t have to stay with Tristan tonight?” He asks. His voice husky from the sleep.

“Long story.” I said.

“What happened?”

I take a deep breath. “Shit happened. The Colonel knows about me and Tristan. Cover’s blown.”

Mark sits up and looks at me. His face worried. “Fuck. Is he throwing you out?”

“He gives me two weeks to grow a forest of algae, which is impossible. So I’m going back to our apartment to grab what we’ve grown. Assuming it’s still there.” I said.

He shakes his head in disbelief. “That’s suicide. We barely even made it alive here.”

His eyes dazed, like the horrors are still fresh in his mind.

“I don’t have a choice. It’s that or exile. I won’t survive the winter out there.”

“I’m coming with you.” He said.

“No Mark, Tristan is going with me. You don’t have to do this.”

“But if you can go back, why bother to return here? I hated this place.”

“Will you? It’s like living in a cage. There’s no escape once the infected knows we’re there. At least I get to eat potato chips and candy bars here.” I said.

Mark gives me a hug. He is probably too sleepy to remember he’s not wearing clothes. If I weren’t scared shit, I would probably get a hard on. Right now, my heart feels more raw and naked than his skin.

“Your clothes are still wet.” He gets up and returns my towel. “Don’t catch a cold. We’ll talk in the morning. You’re not doing this without me.”

He goes back to sleep while I get ready for bed.

Unlike Tristan and Grey, I don’t own a bedroll or a sofa. Civilians like us sleep on the cold hard floor. The blanket is all I can afford for now. It’s either I roll it and use it as a pillow, lay out so I don’t have to sleep on the cold floor, or I cover myself with it to keep out the breeze. None of it is appealing.

I miss my duvet and bed in the old apartment. At least that gives me a reason to sleep close to Mark. I would be very creepy if I do that now. Especially when he knows how I feel and when we’re naked.

The classroom is big, so I settle myself in the far end of the corner. I sneezed again for a couple of times, feeling like crap when I peel off the wet clothes and hang them beside the window. I dry my body with the towel and roll it up as a pillow. At least there’s something soft to lie on for my head.

I look at Mark, lying in the other end of the room, thinking why I dare to throw myself into the hordes of infected but not into the arms of someone I loved? Creepy or not, I might not make it back alive. And if I didn’t, I will want to spend my last night close to him.

Fuck creepy.

Fuck dignity.

Let him know how desperate I am. I didn’t care.

I get up and walk towards him, lying down beside him quietly. Mark didn’t stir or care about my proximity. It’s not as if we haven’t slept this close before. Maybe he pretends not to hear me,

“Can you hold me to sleep tonight, Mark?” I said softly.

He turns around and opens his eyes again.

“It’s okay if you think it’s creepy. But I’m cold.” I said.

He smiles and nods. “Sure. I can use some heat myself.”

I snuggle up to him and lie in his arm, feeling his body heat and hair warms my heart. His body feels like a fireplace in winter.

“If you feel anything hard, just pretend it’s morning wood.” I said sheepishly.

He laughs softly and runs his fingers over my hair. “I don’t care. Worry about coming back here alive.”

I smile and said okay. Animals sleep together to stay warm in the wild, only humans have these stupid hang ups.

“Go to sleep Dan. Sweet dreams.”

When he smiles, he smiles with his eyes. It is so white and beautiful that it lights up the darkness. That night, I fell asleep thinking that I will melt into his embrace. And by morning, I will find myself cease to exist anymore.

I smile, feeling warm and toasty in our full body embrace. Our arms and legs tangled, my body fits into his like a Russian doll. Both of us are too tired and too cold to care about anything other than sharing our body heat and the slow, soothing rhythms of our beating hearts.

Our raw, naked embrace bothers me more than him. He obviously doesn’t care. I didn’t understand why at first. But as times goes by I did. He wasn’t scared because his heart wasn’t at stake. That night, I did melt into his body because by morning I felt my heart is no longer inside my chest.