Without a Manual - 2. Something Fishy

“So what do you think?” Jeff smiled and held up some peppers. The store was jammed. I hated browsing. I wanted to get what I wanted and get out. Not today.

“Sounds good.” One less thing to pick up.

It was wonderful to see him relaxed and happy. For him, I could last a little longer in this chaos. It was nice to get out of the house for a while, plus, with Jeff with me, I could stock up on what he liked. Over the last week, I had run through nearly all of his favorites.

An old lady on one of those motorized carts stopped right in front of me and cut me off, completely oblivious that I wanted to move. She didn’t notice my frown.

“Do you need help?” Jeff smiled broadly and leaned down to her. She looked surprised and cautious. She pointed to the shelf.

“Here you go.” Jeff handed the package down to her gently.

She briefly returned the smile and added a nod before she went back to her scowl. She moved on without a single word. I felt bitter, Jeff whistled softly while scanning across the bins opposite.

“Let’s see… how about…” Jeff pointed the way toward the meats. I followed. A big juicy steak sounded good. With Jeff in the house, my red meat intake had dropped off dramatically. I had resorted to sneaking out and grabbing a hamburger while they had been busy.

He peered along the fish. I glanced across to the butcher and the beef, longing. Damn his healthy diet. Maybe I could talk him into a pork roast?

“So what do you think?” Jeff repeated, this time without holding anything up for me to see.

“What?”

“About me? Why can’t I seem to find a good relationship like you did? Something lasting.” He frowned a little before grinning up at the attractive man waiting behind the counter. He pointed at what he wanted.

I sighed and didn’t know what to say. I knew he never included me in those un-lasting relationships, but I still felt a pang of guilt. Of course, he meant nothing by the question, he did not have a malicious bone in his body. For me however, knowing someone for more than a few decades did not block the occasional sharp barb from the past, however unintentional it was.

Over thirty years we‘d know each other. Grade school had been fun and normal. We had been friends, close for some of it. Jeff had lived less than a mile away. Both of us, the pudgy little misfits who laughed and played and did all the fun kid stuff. Junior high had been a mess. I had moved and ended up a different school. We saw each other here and there, but not day to day. The friendship cooled.

High school changed our perceptions and relationships as it did for everyone. We were back at the same school and we were fast friends again. The library was our favorite gathering place, words were our friends. The world was bright again, together.

He noticed another boy. A large guy in my memory, big and blonde. Jeff had been fascinated, smitten, and tried to spend more time with him. Some of his other friends and I were put on the back burner. Teenage crushes were fickle; suddenly, Jeff was alone. He had moped around for ages as only a teenager can do then edged his way back, tail between his legs. One of our buddies joined the theatre department, Jeff had followed. His confidence returned, his spirit renewed. One show turned into two, then all the rest until we graduated.

We had went to the same Junior College. It was easy for us to stay friends and keep close. He began taking Judo and shed some weight. There had been another relationship for him. A bad one. Jeff had cried to me at my house until I thought his heart would break. I thought mine would too. I loved him dearly.

We went to college, different ones, a few hours apart. We saw each other whenever we could and talked all the time. I listened through two more disastrous boyfriends, completely unable to be there to hold him. I couldn’t help but think it was worse to only be able to hear and not be there and to hold. It hurt me deeply.

After the many years we had known each other, it was the summer before our final year. He now wore glasses, very fashionable, and grew out his mustache and goatee, very, very hot. I’ve loved facial hair ever since. That was when it happened.

I had broken up with a boyfriend. We had been together for almost a year. I was miserable and hurt. Jeff had taken me out to cheer me up. We had walked along the Milwaukee lakeshore. The sky had been clear, the water about as calm as Lake Michigan could be. I was helping him across the rocks when he stopped and kissed me. Really, kissed me. He giggled, then I did. I kissed him. He kissed back, hard. I had felt such a rush. We barely made it back to his friend’s flat for all the laughter and touches. The heat we generated burned me until autumn. Sometimes it felt like too much, other times it was not enough. A cool start off all brought reality and sense back.

When we went back to college, I had been a little relieved. I loved Jeff immensely, the sex was fantastic, the guilt was horrible. I felt terrible about Jeff, my dearest friend, and the sex. Sex on the rebound. Two months of it. I had thought I was above that, had more sense, and with Jeff? Sure he had made me forget, but then I had remembered… I could not think of a worse person to hurt.

Jeff was passionate and inspired by our summer and told me so, repeatedly. I felt awful. I slowed down the conversations and forgot to call him back once in a while. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to lose him either. I was depressed and had an awkward romp with my ex-boyfriend. I felt even more guilt than I had thought was possible afterward.

I managed to have plans and be busy for Thanksgiving, but winter break could not be avoided. Alone together in a cold, snowy park, not my most brilliant move, I explained myself the best I could and watched him cry. I couldn’t even hold him to make him feel better. Or to make me feel better. His tears froze on his cheeks. I had been the lowest of the low. I had used him. I could never do that again. I had lost everything.

We only wrote during that spring. I apologized repeatedly. He said it was alright. In spite of how I felt personally, I managed to graduate respectably and snag an internship downtown. My public life was going well, privately, there was a void. I desperately missed Jeff. His friendship, his passion, his drive, his laughter.

He laughed. “Pete? Hello?” He turned and thanked the man who handed over the now wrapped fish. I focused.

“So what do you think? Why can’t I hook a good one?” He shook the wrapped fish at me and placed it into the cart gently while he chuckled. I didn’t laugh at all. “Fish? Hook?” He smiled and pointed at the fish.

I nodded and shook my head.

“A little slow today, eh?” He grinned slyly. “I know.” He pushed the end of the cart around and began leading me. “Let’s get you a t-bone. You could probably use it. Cave, man, need, red, meat, to, fo-cus.”

I finally was able to laugh. He giggled and pulled me along.

Over an hour and a half later we were at home and unloaded. I had mostly left it to him. It made him happy to feel helpful and he knew where everything went anyway. I sat and checked my e-mail. More revisions. I was not planning on working, but took a peek. A short story. Could be fun. It had been a while since I had done one of those.

He walked around behind me and gently rubbed my shoulder. “Music alright?”

I nodded and smiled.

He flipped on the stereo and stripped down to his sweat-shorts.

“Hey, hey, hey.” I called across the room. “Not on the floor.”

He blushed, scooped up the abandoned clothes and walked them to the laundry room. I smiled to myself. Half naked in my house was one thing, but leaving a pile of clothes on the floor was another. He reappeared and blushed as he walked past again. His book was still next to the easy chair and he scooped it up and flopped down all in one motion.

Before long, Hannibal sauntered in. He looked at me and then at Jeff. He walked over to Jeff who dropped a hand down to pet him.

“Good boy…” Jeff murmured and kept rubbing him right above the tail. When Hannibal felt he was done, he leaped up on the couch and began cleaning himself. Jeff learned back and turned sideways on the chair. One bare foot hung over the side and he tapped his toes on the window.

We both lost track of time, he in his book, me in the story that I was now editing.

I glanced at the clock on my screen. “I better make dinner.” I yawned and stood up.

“You want help?”

“I’m good.”

I hummed along with the music while cutting the peppers and fixing the rest of the meal. I was relaxed. A day like this with Jeff always soothed me. He could be so peaceful, calm, and undemanding. Other times, well, Nate could handle those. We… could handle those.

Jeff came up behind me and hugged my back. I smiled. “That looks good. Do you want me to feed Hannibal?”

I looked down to see him rubbing his fur all over Jeff’s ankle. I nodded.

He moved over to Hannibal’s cabinet and dug around. “Fish flavor?”

I was about to answer when I realized he wasn’t talking to me. I chuckled into the fry pan.

“What?” Jeff smiled.

I shrugged, while he finished scooping out the food into Hannibal’s bowl.

I heard the door to the garage open and close just before Nate ambled in.

“How are my three favorite men?”

I shook my head. Jeff walked around me and hugged Nate. “How was work?”

Nate rolled his eyes.

“That good huh? Look what Jeff bought for dinner.” I tilted the pan.

“Fish. Mmmm…” Jeff grinned and crossed out of the kitchen. Nate rolled his eyes to me behind Jeff’s back. I suppressed a giggle. He stood right next to me and ground his crotch on my hip. I smacked his butt. “Jackass,” I whispered.

He smiled and kissed me on the lips, lingering a little. “I’m going to change.” He kissed me again and walked out through the living room.

“Jeff. You wanna grab the plates.”

He sung to himself while he set the table. Nate came back down barefoot in boxers again, I should have been grateful that he at least was wearing a tee-shirt this time. We sat down to eat.

“So, I was thinking…” Jeff frowned slightly. “I should probably head home tonight. I’ve crowded you all for over a week now.”

Nate and I looked at another. Jeff looked into his fish.

“You don’t crowd us,” I said directly to him across the table. “You are always welcome for as long as you want.”

“You don’t have to go tonight.” Nate added quickly. “We were going to watch a movie.”

I grunted. One of those crappy slasher flicks. They knew I hated those.

Jeff chuckled.

“Come on. One more night. I‘ll pick a really good one.” Nate smiled at Jeff then separately at me.

“Well, maybe…” Jeff drew out the word, teasing, like he wasn’t going to stay.

I suddenly felt something touch my leg. I thought it was Hannibal until it rubbed up my leg and not across. I coughed.

“You alright?” Jeff looked over to me. I looked at Nate. I could see his eyes crinkled at the edges even though he looked down into his plate.

“Fine.” I took a sip from my water and brought my leg up and caught Nate’s and rubbed it with my calf.

After dinner, I went up to Nate’s study with my computer so they could watch in peace. Had had picked a particularly bloody one. I was in the middle of a game when Nate crept in. I looked at the clock.

“It’s not over yet,” I whispered for no reason. Jeff wouldn’t have been able to hear me from here.

He padded over, leaned down, and kissed me. His hand held my neck. I curled my hand around his butt and squeezed. He rubbed down my chest.

“After the movie… later…?” He slid his hand onto my crotch. I reached up with my other hand and felt his excitement growing.

“Maybe,” I teased, trying to sound like Jeff. “Should I tell Jeff to go home now?” I squeezed gently.

He shook his head. “We’ll be quiet.” He groped across my zipper.

“I doubt it.” I tugged at the front of his boxers, but thought better of it and dropped my hand. “We better stop. He will come looking for you.”

Nate pouted.

“After. Later. When we go to bed.” I pulled back and patted his butt.

Nate grinned and kissed me again. He was adorable.

I looked at his crotch. “Down boy.“

He turned slowly and walked toward the door readjusting his underwear. “Damn it.” He said to himself before disappearing.

I sat and smiled like an idiot for a few more moments before returning to my game.

I was useless, my concentration was gone. Nate had worked me up and now I couldn’t even shoot straight. Good thing I was not playing on a team tonight.

Later…. Later….

I shut down and got into the bed to wait. I lay and thought about Nate. The hug and kiss when he got home, the playing under the table, the sneaking away from the movie and the quick grope in the office. Maybe in the office would have been fun. It had been a while since we had done it anywhere but in here.

I stood up and crossed to the door. I could hear the faint screams of the movie. I looked at the clock. Probably near the end. I crept back to the bed and got in.

I had another thought. I got up and took of my underwear and got back in naked.

Nate would be surprised.

I chuckled quietly and waited until he poked his head in the door.

He glance at me and smiled.

I whipped back the covers.

His eyes crinkled at the edges, silently laughing and visibly blushing.

He stepped in and locked the door behind.