The Road - 2. Part 2

I took the manual for the navigation system out of the box and started to read it. When I was through I unpacked the rest and after trying to set it up for maybe twenty minutes I came to the conclusion that the GPS didn't work properly anymore.

"This is completely useless," I said.

"Why?"

"I guess the GPS satellites need to be maintained or they drift out of alignment. This is off by over 1000 miles, at least."

"That's too bad."

"Yeah."

"I think the worst is behind us by the way. There's barely any shit lying around anymore."

"Great, so we should celebrate now, shouldn't we?"

"I wanna keep driving for a while, but how about you decorate the RV and make some cookies already? We could pretend it's Christmas Eve today and have a nice meal tonight. And tomorrow we'll just laze around like it's a holiday. What do you think?"

"I guess I could make the cookies, but we should decorate together."

"But you'll do a much better job than me, you know, cause you're gay... No, wait, that's probably offensive somehow. Forget I said that, alright? To be honest, decorating just isn't really my thing. But I'll do it if it's important to you."

"No, not if you won't have fun doing it."

"Speaking of fun, do you wanna fool around tonight?"

"Sure, if Lucky lets us."

"Maybe if you'll play with him long enough he'll be too tired to interrupt us."

"It's worth a try."

"Can I have a kiss?"

I grinned and got up. I gave him a kiss on the mouth, which made us both smile.

I went to the storage room again and brought the box with all the decorations over to the table. There was a lot of great stuff in there. After going through it I started to decorate. First I took a bunch of stickers of Santa, reindeer, snowmen, stars, Christmas trees and presents, and affixed them all over the place, like the windows, the walls, the cupboards and the door. Then I duct taped this big, round ornament to the wall over the table. It was made out of fake fir branches, gold-painted pine cones, little bells and red bows. Next I taped a long plastic thread with little figurines on it, like gingerbread men, elves and snowflakes, across both windows. I also hung up two red stockings on the edge of the bed. Then I trimmed the tip of the hedge tree till it had a pointy shape, fixed it on the table and decorated it with red and silver Christmas balls, lots of tinsel, plastic peppermint sticks, little Santa boots, small candles and a crystal star on top. I was pretty pleased with myself when I was done. The RV looked really festive.

Since we were planning to fool around later I decided to take a quick shower. When I was clean I started a fire and then sat down to make the dough for the cookies. I wanted them to be peanut butter-flavored, so I used two big spoons full, which felt like a lot to me, but I figured if they'd turn out well it would probably be worth it. When the dough was ready I heated up some oil in a pan and then started to fry small cookies. I wasn't sure if it would even work, but it smelled delicious and they looked pretty good too. I put them on a plate, washed the pan and then joined Troy in the front again.

"All done?" he asked.

"Yeah. How about we call it a day, have dinner and then go to bed early?"

"I've been looking for a good spot for us to stay for a while now, but freaks keep showing up."

I looked outside and sure enough I saw a monster in the distance.

"Do you think they ever sleep? Or need rest at all?"

"I've never seen a freak sitting or lying somewhere with its eyes closed, so maybe not."

"That's weird. I wonder what they eat and how much. They're too slow to hunt animals and there are barely any humans left."

"Maybe they don't need to eat either."

"Every living thing needs some kind of nutrition."

"What if they're technically not alive and the virus controls them like a puppet? And that virus might be sustained by the dying matter of the decomposing body somehow. It would explain why it kills people before it turns them."

"That's all very creepy... Not that the monsters weren't creepy enough already, but walking dead people? That's like out of a movie or something."

"Yeah, it's crazy."

"Do you think they can communicate with each other somehow?"

"Why are you so interested in the freaks all of a sudden?"

"I was just wondering. There's so much we don't know about them. It could be kind of fascinating to study them."

"There's only one thing you have to know about them and that's how to kill them."

"But what if there's an easier way than to stab or shoot them in the head? What if you could just throw some salt at them and they'd run away?"

He laughed.

"You should try that next time."

"I'm just saying. Or what if you could domesticate them? Think about it, they attack because they're probably just really hungry. What if you would feed them? Maybe you could train them to defend you against other monsters."

"Sure, I bet they're real nice and cuddly when they're full. And maybe they're just misunderstood. What if being a freak is really fucking awesome and they're just trying to let us in on the fun?" he said, grinning, and I giggled.

"Are you mocking me?"

"A little."

"I guess someone needs to get punished again."

"You better watch it or I'll train Lucky to use your mouth as a toilet when you're asleep."

"That's gross."

"Or I'll clean the litter box with your toothbrush. Or..."

"Fine, I won't punish you," I sighed.

"There you go."

"You're a jerk," I said, grinning.

"Guilty as charged... You know I love you though, right?"

"I know. Me too," I said without thinking and my eyes widened. "I mean... I don't. That was just a reflex response, like 'bless you' or something," I quickly added.

"Oh, alright," he said disappointedly.

I felt really bad, but I was afraid that if I'd tell him the truth he'd stop trying to make me fall in love with him. And it also gave me the sense that I had the upper hand in our relationship and more control over him than he had over me, which was something I needed and that I wasn't ready to let go of yet. I knew it was very selfish, but I was so infatuated with him that it made me feel completely powerless and I had a hard time getting used to that. At least this way the ball was still in my court, which was comforting.

"I'm sorry Troy. I'll get there and soon, I promise," I said sadly.

"Don't worry about it."

"I'll make it up to you later, ok?"

"You don't have to, it's fine, really."

"Ok."

We didn't talk for a while. Suddenly I saw a monster on the road up ahead.

"Get the salt," Troy said jokingly and I giggled.

"It could work. You don't know."

"Whatever."

The monster noticed us and headed in our direction.

"Wait a minute. I have an idea," he said and slowed down.

"What?"

"You'll see."

He stopped maybe twenty yards in front of the monster, got outside, stabbed it in the head and then dragged it over to the RV. He came back inside and started to cover his clothes with trash bags again.

"What are you doing?" I asked, frowning.

"I have to hack up the freak."

"You're scaring me Troy," I said nervously and he looked at me with a surprised expression.

"What? Why?"

"I barely understand why you enjoy killing them so much, but mutilating them when they're already dead, that's kind of messed up, don't you think?"

"No, Jesus, I'm not doing that for fun. I wanna smear its guts all over the RV. Maybe it'll throw off other freaks and we won't have to worry about getting attacked for a while."

"Thank God," I gasped.

"Who the fuck do you think I am, some kind of psychopath?"

"No, of course not, I was just confused, that's all."

"Yeah, no shit."

"I'm sorry, ok?"

"Whatever."

I came closer and stroked his arm.

"Come on, please don't be mad," I said unsurely and looked down. He sighed and took me in his arms. When we parted he kissed me on the forehead.

He got ready, went outside and started to hack up the monster. Blood and guts were splashing everywhere. It was disgusting. He finally soaked a dishrag in the gory mush and spread it all over the RV. It took him maybe twenty minutes and I saw him gag several times. When he was done he ripped off the trash bags and came back inside.

"Wanna check if I got a boner from all the fun I had?" he asked, grinning. I just looked at him guiltily. "I'm kidding. Lighten up, alright?"

"Sorry."

He kissed me on the cheek, which made me feel relieved and I smiled at him sheepishly.

"I need another shower. Can you get us somewhere safe in the meantime?"

"I'll try."

After finding fresh clothes he disappeared into the bathroom and I started driving. Lucky was standing next to me and meowed. I ignored him, because I couldn't take him on my lap. He meowed a couple more times and then just climbed up my leg.

"No, Lucky, I'm busy right now," I said.

He turned around and when he saw the wheel moving a little he put his right paw on it, like he wanted to steer too. It made me giggle and I wished I could show Troy or at least take a picture. The kitten didn't seem to get bored with the wheel and kept playing with it. After a few miles we came to a small town. I drove around, took a couple of turns and finally found a more or less secluded spot behind a two-story house in a one-way street. I started a fire and soon Troy came out, smelling like cologne.

"Did you find us a nice place to spend the holidays?" he asked cheerfully.

"Yeah, we should be safe here."

"By the way, you did an amazing job with the decorations."

Hearing that made me feel happy and a little proud too. I couldn't help but smile from ear to ear.

"Thank you. I'm glad you like it."

"How about some festive music?"

"Sure, the CD is in the glove compartment."

While Troy took care of the music I heated up some milk for Lucky. After a few minutes "Jingle Bells" came on and immediately brought back memories of past holidays. My feelings were mixed though, because on the one hand I remembered all the joy and happiness surrounding Christmas, but on the other hand it also reminded me that my family were probably dead and that I'd never see them again.

"You know," Troy said behind me, "I've been a very bad boy, so I think you should spank my bare..." He stopped mid-sentence when I turned around and he saw my face. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asked, concerned.

"It's nothing, I'm sorry."

"It's something."

"I don't want to bum you out."

"You're sad, so I'm already bummed out. Just tell me, maybe I can help somehow."

"I miss my parents." My voice broke at the end and my eyes filled with tears.

"Come here."

He took me in his arms and I silently cried into his chest for a couple of minutes. When we parted I dried my face and sniffled softly.

"Maybe they survived. They could be out there somewhere right now, thinking about you," he said.

"I know it's horrible and I shouldn't even think that, but part of me is hoping that they didn't make it and that they're in heaven instead of this hell."

"That's not horrible at all. And if they are in heaven, watching you, I'm sure they're very proud of you."

"No, Troy, stop being sweet or you'll get me going again."

"Alright... You know, you're real ugly when you cry. I'd rather make out with Lucky's asshole than you right now."

I giggled.

"That's gross."

"No, you're gross, you ugly-ass bitch."

I laughed and really wanted to tell him that I loved him, but I didn't. I smiled instead and kissed him on the mouth.

"Thank you," I said sincerely.

"Anytime."

Suddenly Lucky meowed and reminded me of the milk. I took the pot off the wood burner, added some water to cool it down and then poured it in his bowl. He eagerly started to drink it.

"Feeding him is supposed to be my job, you know?" Troy said.

"It's ok, I don't mind."

"What are we gonna have for dinner?"

"Well, we do have turkey, potatoes and carrots with peas, so we could have a traditional Christmas meal if you want."

"Great, do you want me to make it?"

"No, I'll do it. You can play with Lucky, so he'll be tired later."

"Alright."

He gave me a quick kiss and then sat down at the table. I got the cans from the storage room and started to prepare the food. "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer" came on and I caught myself rocking my body to the music a little. When Lucky was finished Troy carried him over to his litter box and after he had done his business Troy cleaned it up so it wouldn't smell. Then he sat back down and chased the kitten around with the laser pointer. At first he only let him run back and forth, but then he directed the little dot at places the poor kitten couldn't reach, to see what he would do. At one point he tried the curtains on the right side of the driver's cabin and made him climb all the way to the top and jump on the bed, but then he was too scared to climb down again, so he meowed sadly. I went over, put him back on the floor and glared at Troy jokingly.

"You do need to get spanked," I said. He just pointed the little dot at my crotch and Lucky immediately jumped on my leg, trying to reach it. "Stop that or you'll only get a lump of coal for dinner." He let the dot wander away from me and the kitten raced after it. "That laser pointer was sold as a cat toy. Do you think there's a difference from a regular one?"

"No, I'm pretty sure they did that so stupid people, who believe there is a difference, would buy a crappy one for more money."

"Are you calling me stupid?"

"That depends. Would I get spanked if I'd say yes?" he asked, grinning.

"Are you into S&M or something?"

"I don't know. Maybe a little."

I looked at him, surprised.

"Seriously? Like what? Hurting each other?" I asked, frowning, and a little worried.

"Fuck no, nothing like that. But the way I understand it S&M is all about trust and exploring each other's boundaries. For example, I'd really like to tie you up sometime and do stuff to you. I think that could be pretty exciting."

"What kind of stuff?"

"You know, kissing you, stroking and licking you all over, making you cum, stuff like that," he said, watching me intently, probably because he sensed that this was making me kind of nervous.

"Oh, ok, that doesn't sound too bad," I answered, somewhat relieved, but I still wasn't thrilled about the idea.

"And we'd have a safe-word of course, in case you'd get uncomfortable and would want me to untie you."

I frowned again.

"Why would we need a special word for that? I could just say 'untie me' or 'stop'. That would make a lot more sense, because what if I'd forget the safe-word? Would you just keep going till I'd start to cry?"

"That's a good point. Maybe it only makes sense when you're role-playing, so you can say 'stop' or 'no' without meaning it, but since we wouldn't do that we wouldn't need one I guess."

"Would you let me tie you up too?" I asked, even though I had no desire to do so, I just wanted to know how he felt about it.

"Maybe, if you really wanted to," he said hesitantly.

"I see."

"So, wanna try it sometime?" he asked casually, I guess in a clumsy attempt to downplay the whole thing. I thought it was adorable and almost had to grin.

"We haven't even pleasured each other with our hands yet, so doing S&M stuff would be kind of like putting the cart before the horse, don't you think?"

"You're right, but you're not opposed to the idea in general?" he said, looking at me expectantly.

"I can't promise you anything, but since it might make you happy I will think about it."

He smiled.

"Awesome. Next time we're in a house we should look for something soft to tie you up with, like a bathrobe belt," he said excitedly.

"Please don't get your hopes up too high though. I might never let you do it, ok?"

"Sure. Fair enough."

"Any other fetishes I should know about?"

"Well, I'd really like to lick your sweaty arm pits," he said, smirking.

"Eww, gross."

"I'm just kidding. I don't think I have any other fetishes. What about you?"

"No, I'm normal," I said matter-of-factly and frowned at him jokingly.

"And I'm not?" he answered, laughing.

"No, apparently you're kind of a pervert. I bet you were serious when you said you'd like to make out with Lucky's butthole."

"You got me there." He picked up the poor kitten, lifted his tail and pretended to lick his butt. "Mmh, om nom nom. Delicious," he mumbled and I giggled.

"I don't think I'm hungry anymore," I said. He laughed again and put Lucky down.

"Let's back up for a minute. So maybe you don't have a fetish, but there must be something you'd like to try that's a little on the kinky side."

"No, not really."

"Come on, everybody has sexual fantasies and I'd really like to know yours, cause it's very important to me to satisfy you as good and thoroughly as I possibly can."

He sounded completely sincere.

"That's sweet and I do have one fantasy, but I'm not going to tell you."

"Why not?"

"It's too embarrassing."

"You don't have to be embarrassed and I won't make fun of you or anything, I swear to God. Come on, I told you my fantasy, even though I was worried it might freak you out. Now it's your turn. Just trust me, alright?"

"No, I can't say it out loud."

"Then whisper it in my ear or write it down."

"I don't know."

"Please," he said and looked at me all puppy-dog-eyed, which made me grin.

"Ok, I'll write it down, but if you ever tease me about it I'll never tell you anything personal again. Understood?"

"I won't, I promise."

There was a pen in the glove compartment, so I got it and then ripped off a piece of paper from the navigation system manual. My face felt warm when I wrote down the fantasy. I folded it up, went back to Troy and handed it to him. He tried to open it right away, but I stopped him.

"Remember, this is just a fantasy and I'd NEVER ask you to do that, ok?" I said nervously.

"But you'd like me to, right?"

I suddenly realized that Troy might react badly to what I had written and I started to panic a little.

"You know what? I've changed my mind. Give me back the note please."

"That's not gonna happen, sorry."

"Wait!... Please, this was a horrible idea. You'll be disgusted and you'll never look at me the same way again, so please give it back, ok? Please?"

I was getting pretty anxious and I was so hot that I was sweating. I didn't think he would leave me, but I was afraid it might change how he felt about me or that he might even love me less.

"Well, now I HAVE to read it."

"Troy, come on, no," I pleaded desperately.

He started to unfold the note, so I covered my eyes, because I couldn't look at him when he read it. My heart was beating really fast.

"Jesus, Cody!" he suddenly said, laughing out loud. I quickly took the note and threw it into the fire.

"We will never talk about this, ever. You got that?" I said sharply.

"No, we will talk about this alright."

"You swore you wouldn't make fun of me!"

"Yeah and what a terrible fucking mistake that was."

"You're a jerk," I said indignantly.

"And you're such a fucking prude. You made it sound like you wanted to shit in my mouth or something. This is nothing. I would've suggested that myself at some point."

I frowned at him, not sure how to feel.

"So you're not disgusted?" I asked incredulously.

"No. Jesus. We can do it tonight if you want."

"But it's such a gay thing to do."

"Not really, straight men lick women's assholes all the time."

"Don't say it out loud please."

He just shook his head, grinning.

"I wonder if I could make you cum just doing that... Well, I guess we'll find out later. And by the way, you don't have to return the favor," he said.

"Oh, ok. But not tonight. And just so you know, before we'll do it I'll scrub myself down there for an hour, at least."

"Good and I'll keep asking, cause I'm guessing you're probably too embarrassed to ever bring it up again."

"You really don't think it's too kinky?"

"Not at all, but I'm a pervert, remember?"

"That's true," I said jokingly.

He got up and tenderly kissed me on the mouth for a couple of seconds. It was like he was trying to tell me that he still loved me and that nothing had changed. I knew it was silly, but I really needed that and it made me feel better instantly. When we parted I stroked his chest and smiled at him sheepishly. He smiled back at me and gave me another quick peck on the nose.

"Are we having dinner soon? I'm kind of hungry," he said.

"Yeah, sorry."

I went back to preparing our meal and Troy continued to play with Lucky. Fifteen minutes or so later dinner was served and we were sitting beside each other, eating and listening to "Silent Night."

"This is really nice," I said contentedly.

"Yeah, I have the best ideas," he answered, grinning, and I giggled.

"You do. I'm so glad we did this."

"I know, right? Next year we could go turkey hunting, so we'll have a fresh one and we'll eat potatoes right out of the ground. And for dessert we'll have pumpkin pie."

"That sounds great, only the weather won't be as Christmas-y."

"We'll just get a poster with snowy scenery on it and hang it over the window."

"That might work."

Suddenly he hugged me, gave me a long kiss on the cheek and then let go of me again.

"What was that for?" I asked, surprised.

"I'm just really happy right now. This is the best Christmas I've ever had."

"What about when you were a child?"

"My real parents never celebrated Christmas, cause they were too broke. When I was four I learned about Santa on TV and I asked my father why he didn't come to our house. He said, 'Because there is no fucking Santa. Now get me a fucking beer before I beat your ass,' and that was that. My foster family didn't let me celebrate with them. They said I didn't deserve it. I got my first and only Christmas present in the boys' home. It was a sweater and it was too small for me, so I gave it to one of the younger boys. At least that made me feel good for a while."

"I'm so sorry, that is really horrible."

"Whatever."

"Wasn't there anything good about your childhood or youth?"

"Well, I never got raped. I'd say that's pretty fucking good."

"That's the saddest thing I have ever heard."

"Fuck you."

"No," I said emotionally, with tears in my eyes, and wrapped my arms around him.

"Hey, you're not crying, are you?" he asked, concerned.

"Maybe a little?"

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you all that."

"No, I'm glad you did and I swear there won't be any more sad memories, only really happy ones."

"I've made more happy memories since I met you than in my whole life before that combined and it's only getting better every day I'm with you."

I let go of him, wiped away my tears and looked deep into his eyes.

"Troy?"

"Yes?"

"I love you," I said somewhat shakily and he raised his eyebrows.

"Really?" he asked, almost incredulously, like he couldn't believe it, but his expression told me that he desperately needed it to be true. It made me regret even more that I hadn't said it to him sooner.

"Yeah, I do."

"I love you too, so much."

We kissed each other passionately for a couple of minutes, but then Lucky woke up and meowed at us. We parted, but stayed in each others arms.

"I guess someone's jealous," Troy said, smirking, which made me giggle.

"No, he's still a child, so he's probably just grossed out and wants us to stop."

"You might be right. When he's grown up we have to find him a nice lady friend, or boyfriend, so he can have some fun too."

"No, if we get another pet it'll be a dog, remember?"

"Alright, but it has to be about as big as Lucky, so he can fuck it."

"That's just wrong."

"Hey, we're like a cat and a dog and that works perfectly. The heart wants what the heart wants."

"Am I the cat or the dog?"

"The cat of course, gorgeous, graceful and so clean you could lick its a... Never mind," he said and laughed.

"You wanted to make a joke about my fantasy, didn't you?" I asked in an accusatory tone.

"No, cause that would make me a dick... See how thoughtful I am? I wanted to say asshole, but I didn't."

I giggled and slapped his arm playfully.

"You're horrible."

"You still love me though, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so," I said, smiling.

"Now, tell me about your favorite Christmas."

"Ok. I think I was four or five and my grandmother came over to celebrate with us that year. I can't remember why, but it was the first time for some reason and I was really excited about it. She prepared food with my mother all day and I watched TV with my father. In the evening we assembled in the dining room, stood around the table, holding hands, and my grandmother said a prayer. Then we sat down and gorged ourselves on all the delicious food, talked, laughed and just had a really good time. The door to the living room was made out of glass, so you could see inside from the table and at some point in the evening the Christmas tree would just light up, which would mean that Santa had been there with the presents and had then turned it on right before he left. It was always such a magical moment for me. My grandmother was from Poland and over there you'd get your presents on Christmas Eve already, not the next morning, and my mother kept that tradition, so when the lights went on we all gathered around the tree and opened presents. I got a lot of great stuff, like a remote controlled car and a plush dog that was bigger than me at the time. It was amazing. I fell asleep smiling that night, thinking about how I would play with my new toys the next day."

"That sounds really great," he said with a smile, like he was genuinely happy for me.

"Yeah, it was."

"Do you speak Polish?"

"No, my mother was born in the US, so she didn't even speak Polish."

"I see."

"We should eat. It's getting cold."

He nodded and we continued to eat our meal. Afterwards Troy insisted on washing the dishes, so I played with Lucky.

"Are you still in the mood to fool around?" Troy asked when he was done.

"Yes, definitely, but I doubt Lucky will stay in his bed, the blanket is just no substitute for a warm body."

"Wait a minute, that gives me an idea," he said and went to the storage room. He came back with a hot-water bag.

"That's a great idea. That might actually work."

"I really fucking hope so, but it should be warm enough for that little cock-blocker."

"Yeah."

When everything was ready we brushed our teeth, made sure Lucky didn't have to go to the bathroom, undressed and climbed into bed. The kitten seemed to enjoy the warmth of the hot-water bag very much, because he fell asleep right away. We covered him up and then we both took our shirts off. I made myself comfortable on my back, Troy leaned over me and we started to make out. After a while Troy slowly slid his hand down my chest and stomach and stopped at the waistband of my underwear. He did it so tenderly that it gave me goose bumps, the good kind.

"Can I take them off and touch you?" he asked.

"Ok, let's both take our underwear off," I said and we did.

He gently stroked the underside of my penis with his flat hand, went down my testicles and when he had almost reached my butt he went up again. He kept stroking me like that while we were kissing passionately. It was the most exciting feeling I had ever experienced and I didn't want him to ever stop. I felt his erection rubbing up against me. It was really hard and warm. I wanted to touch it, but I couldn't move, because I was so lost in the pleasure Troy was giving me. Unfortunately it didn't take long before I climaxed. The orgasm was so intense I even stopped breathing for a few seconds. It still amazed me that it would feel that much stronger than when I had masturbated my penis by myself in the past, but maybe I had just done it wrong. It seemed like there was a lot more pressure building up when Troy did it and the hefty release lasted longer too. I was kind of out of it afterwards. When I had finally come down from the high I opened my eyes. Troy was smiling at me.

"Having fun?" he asked.

"Definitely," I said, smiling back at him. He took the towel he had tucked away under his pillow and cleaned me up.

"Wanna get dressed?"

"No, it's your turn now."

"I don't have to cum."

"Of course you do. I will masturbate your penis now, so lie down on your back please." He did.

"Alright, but I have a better idea. How about you get on top of me and grind up against me?"

"Ok, sure."

Troy's erection was lying on his stomach and was throbbing a little. It was so long it almost reached his belly button and it was pretty thick too. There were also a couple of visible veins on it, but it wasn't gross or anything, it just made it look even more impressive and sexy. I wanted to touch it so badly, but I was too embarrassed to tell him.

I got on him very carefully, so I wouldn't accidentally hurt him, propped myself up on my elbow with one arm, braced myself with the other and started to rub our genitals together. Troy took a hold of my butt with both hands, pulled me against him, let loose and then did it again till we fell into a rhythm. Suddenly he slid a finger down between my cheeks till he reached my anus and gently massaged it. I closed my eyes and moaned. Now whenever I moved backwards I pushed into his finger, which was extremely stimulating, and when I moved forward the friction between our erections almost drove me crazy with pleasure. Soon Troy tensed up, moaned loudly and when I felt his sperm between our bodies it send me over the edge with him. After an overwhelmingly forceful orgasm I felt so weak that I collapsed on top of him. It took me a minute to recover and we were both out of breath.

"Jesus," Troy said.

"Exactly."

I rolled off of him, took the towel and cleaned us. We put our shirts and underwear back on and covered ourselves up. I cuddled myself against him and he laid his arm around me and kissed the top of my head.

"You're really good at the sex stuff, you know? Especially considering that you're kind of prudish... No offense," he said.

"None taken, because you're right and it's surprising to me too, but I guess I'm so in the moment during our 'activities' that I forget about my insecurities."

"Yeah, it's like you're someone else all of a sudden or at least a different version of you."

I lifted my head.

"Not in a bad way though, right?" I asked, slightly frowning.

"No, in the best way possible," he said, grinning, and gave me a peck on the mouth.

I smiled proudly, because I was always afraid that I wouldn't be an adequate sexual partner and the fact that I could make Troy happy meant so much to me.

"You're pretty good at it too, you know? Especially for someone who's only 'apocalypse-gay'."

"Be honest, do you really believe that? The apocalypse-gay thing I mean or do you just humor me?" he asked calmly, not defensive at all.

"Let's talk about that some other time, ok?"

"No, come on, I won't get upset, I swear."

"Fine. I can't rule out that there is such a thing, but I don't believe that that's what you are. I think you have a very twisted idea of what it means to be gay, so you're desperately trying to distance yourself from your sexual orientation. And you come up with crazy theories to prove that you're not responsible for your feelings for me, but that there's a higher power at work you're not able to withstand."

"I see... Does that bother you?"

"Well, it's not really affecting me negatively, so if this is the only way you can deal with your feelings then I guess I can live with that. But that's not to say that I wouldn't prefer it if you could admit that you love me because of me, not because you're telling yourself that I'm an angel. And if the world hadn't ended and we'd be out in public together it would really hurt my feelings if you'd refuse to hold my hand or if you'd tell people we're just friends or something."

The truth was, it did bother me, because it wasn't exactly an ideal foundation to build a relationship on that was supposed to last a lifetime, but I was afraid if I'd pressure him too much it could make it worse. It was a risk I wasn't willing to take and he did truly love me, there was no doubt in my mind about that, so I decided not to force the issue.

"First of all, I don't care if you're an angel or not, you're the most awesome person I have ever known and I love everything about you. And second, why would you wanna put yourself on display like that? How we feel about each other is nobody's business but ours. What difference does it make if we hold hands in public anyway? Or would that be just a way to test my love and commitment to you?"

"No, it's about being proud of who you are and who you're with. Why would you want to hide what's most important to you in the world? That would feel dishonest and cowardly to me... Unless you're not really proud... Are you?"

"Of course I'm proud to be with you and if it means that much to you I would hold your hand in public, even though I don't agree with the way you see this."

"It's easy to promise something that you'll never actually have to do."

"I told you I'd do anything for you. Have I ever given you any reason to doubt that?"

"I guess not. I'm sorry."

"There you go. And you know what? Maybe I am gay after all."

"You are?" I asked, surprised.

"Well, I've been thinking about chicks again lately. I could always imagine fucking one, but when I now compare those fantasies to the thought of having sex with you it makes me realize that they actually never really got me very excited at all. And also, the idea of eating a puss-hole kind of grosses me out. That's not normal for a straight guy, right?"

I laughed.

"That's the crudest word for vagina I have ever heard."

"Come on, I'm being serious here."

"I'm still deciding if I should get mad about you imagining having sex with anyone other than me."

"It's not like I'm jerking it while I do it or anything."

"That's true... And no, that's not normal for a straight guy, I think."

"You couldn't eat a puss-hole either, right?"

I laughed really hard and slapped his chest playfully.

"Please don't call it that, ever."

"A snatch then."

I laughed again.

"Would it kill you to say vagina?"

"Fine, now stop being such a 'vagina' and answer my question."

"Yes, I'd be grossed out too."

"I see... When did you know that you're gay?"

"When I was thirteen I think."

"No, that can't be right. You wanted to get fucked up the ass at thirteen?"

"No, of course not!"

"Alright, so you just wanted to suck dicks?"

"No, Troy, don't be gross. Being gay is not all about sex. It's mostly about how you feel. I developed a crush on a boy in my class, that's how I knew."

"I never had a crush on another dude. But you also looked at other boy's dicks in the shower, right?"

"No, because I'm not a pervert."

"Hey, I did that."

"Well, you are kind of a pervert, remember?"

"Fuck you, prude-ass bitch."

"Jerk."

"Vagina."

"Troy, stop being mean to me," I said and looked at him sharply.

He laughed.

"Excuse me? Who insulted who first here?"

"Fine, I'm sorry."

"Alright, me too I guess."

"Have you never suspected that you could be gay?"

"Fuck no."

"What about others?"

"If someone called me gay he'd get one hell of a beating and that would usually settle it."

"That's not very nice. How many times did you get into a fight? In general I mean."

"I don't know. Thirty times maybe."

I frowned.

"That's a lot."

"I guess."

"How many of those did you win?"

"All of them, except one, but I got fucking maced and there were four of them... Have you ever been in a fight?"

"Of course not," I said matter-of-factly.

"What do you mean 'of course not'?"

"Well, I'd never start a fight and when someone threatened to beat me up I just ran away. Before the accident I could run like the wind, you know?"

"Jesus. Then what the fuck was all that talk about being proud of who you are and not being a coward?" he said, frowning deeply.

"There's no shame in running away from a fight."

"Yes there is, not even girls do that."

"So what, do you think less of me now?"

"Yeah, a little."

"You really are a jerk," I said sulkily. I backed away from him and turned around.

"Come on, that doesn't mean I love you any less."

"Oh, lucky, lucky me."

"You're the one who's always so adamant about being honest. Are you now saying that I should've lied to you?"

"Well, there's nothing wrong with a white lie sometimes to spare someone's feelings."

"I'm sorry, alright? I just can't imagine ever running away from a fight, that's all."

"Maybe that makes you an idiot and I should think less of you now too."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Don't you care what I think about you?"

"Sure, but I'm just not as sensitive as you, so I can be rational about it and don't blow it out of proportion."

"You're such a jerk! I am done talking to you! Good night!"

"No, come on, we can't go to bed angry, I heard that's bad for a relationship."

"Watch me."

"Again, I'm sorry, really. I'll be more considerate in the future, I swear." I didn't respond. "What more do you want from me?... I'd offer to burn my hand on the stove or something, but you said I shouldn't punish myself anymore. Or do you feel differently about it now that you're mad at me? Cause I will fucking do it."

"Why do you always want to punish yourself?"

"I'm not sure. I guess it's just what I know."

"You'd really burn your hand?"

"Yeah."

"How badly?"

"Let's just say I won't be able to use it for a week afterwards."

"I see." Suddenly I heard him get up. "No! Troy!" I said, alarmed. I turned around and quickly grabbed him by the arm.

"What?"

"I don't want you to burn yourself."

"Why not? I deserve it."

"No, you don't. Now lie back down."

"But I have to do something. You can't stay mad at me or it'll damage our relationship."

"Says who?"

"It's common knowledge."

"Well, I don't know what to tell you."

"Can't we just pretend this never happened? You know I'd forgive you if it were the other way around."

"Fine, but you better not bring this up again."

"No, great."

I cuddled myself back against him.

"I love you," he said softly.

"Yeah, me too I guess."

"Good night."

"Good night."

He kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes. It had been a long day, so I fell asleep pretty fast.