Finding Alex - 2. Finding Alex blog Feature

I sat patiently beside Mattie as he worked on his homework. Math, his worst subject. I couldn’t help remembering Alex’s expression when I told him that I had went into Accounting for college. The same expression was mirrored on Mattie’s face right now as he grimaced over a problem. He would momentarily look straight ahead, I couldn’t tell at what, most of the time. Wanting to concentrate momentarily on something that wasn’t math related.

“Do you need any help, Matt?” I asked after a longer pause between writing.

“I’m done with this one,” he said, sliding it aside for me to look at. I smiled when I read through his chicken scratch, untidy writing, to find his answer. How teachers graded their work, I couldn’t imagine. He looked to have the problem correct, so I smiled and slid it back in front of him.

“Good job, go on to the next one,” I said, and he grimaced then studied straight ahead again. I tried to look to where his attention was taking him.

“I asked Nanna about Dad,” he said turning to look at me. His brown eyes looked hesitant, like he didn’t want to ask me. I hadn’t offered much on Alex over the years, thinking Mattie wouldn’t understand. He had been so happy with me; I didn’t want him thinking about what he lost. I also wanted him to remember everything I told him and didn’t think he was old enough yet.

Mostly though, I was selfish and didn’t want to talk about Alex with him. I didn’t want to feel the hurt I felt when I thought about Mattie and Alex. How Alex would have been with him, how much their mischief and playfulness would cause me headaches and laughter. I was always the careful one, the one that worried. I definitely was the one who didn’t like change. None of which Alex had in him. It was what drew me to him in the beginning. Even if it all seemed to happen so easily between us, I had been scared to death.

“What did Nanna say?” I asked, wondering what Mom would have told him. She had been trying to convince me that Mattie was ready to learn. It was Alex who had led to me adopting Mattie to begin with. She probably wouldn’t be able to keep from telling Mattie eventually; she was a sucker for those brown eyes. Sarah hadn’t had any children with Chris yet, so Mattie was her only grandchild.

“To ask you. She always says that,” he said, whining as he sat neglecting his homework. “Maybe Aunt Em will tell me.”

“It wouldn’t make you sad?” I asked, my voice threatening to crack. I swallowed waiting for his response as he thought it over.

“No,” he answered, unsure of himself.

“Do you know what being gay means?” I asked, and he nodded.

“You already told me that,” he answered, rolling his eyes. I smirked, relieved he still had a lackadaisical response to that. His class was too young to really bully him yet, but I fear those days are numbered.

“Well Alex is someone who Daddy loved, and still loves, very much,” I said, and he nestled against my side, turning away from me to look at the picture of the two of us on the coffee table. It was the one Emily took at the wedding where we first met, under the flower arches when my sister got married.

“More than me?” he asked, glancing up at me momentarily.

“The same amount,” I answered, and his eyes widened. It was a running joke between Mattie and me about who loved whom more and how much. I was always able to outdo his imagination, and if I couldn’t I made numbers up better than he did. “He’s your dad; he has to love you very much too.”

“How do you know that?” he asked, skeptical.

“Well he wanted you, so we could be a family together,” I answered, “and you’re easy to love, you little brat.”

“I know,” he countered giggling. “So you miss him a lot.”

“Yes,” I answered even though he wasn’t really asking. It surprised how much Mattie knew about me, without me realizing it. I couldn’t help being a little worried. That maybe I hadn’t seemed as happy as I thought. “He was a lot like you really, very funny, full of meanness.”

“Nanna says he helped you out a lot,” he said, “before I was born.”

“She did?” I asked, smiling. “He helped me not be so careful and boring.”

“Oh,” he said, “you’re not boring, Daddy!”

“I was very boring once,” I said my face getting hot. I had been able to hold back the tears, but I could feel that resolve breaking as the discussion went on.

“I wish I could meet him,” he said, and that’s when I noticed his voice crack. When I looked down he blinked away tears and wiped his face.

“I know,” I said, reaching over and pulling him closer. “I bet he’s thrilled to know that. He’s probably pretty angry with me for not talking about him more. I promise I will.”

“You will?” he asked, breaking the hug to look up at me. My own tears had finally fallen, and I hadn’t wiped them away.

“Promise,” I said, holding out my hand for him to shake. He smiled, clearly liking that I was making the deal with him as he took my hand. “After your homework, though.”

“Deal,” he said wrinkling his nose, but he pulled the table closer to us. I knew he had a ton of questions for me running through his head. Smiling, I bent over and watched him work and waited for him to need my help, hoping I could answer all the questions he had about Alex. At least the questions about math would be easier to answer.