Running from Life - 3. Chapter 3: Flashback

“What are you smiling about?”

I look at my uncle, then at the rest of my family, finally back at the screen of my phone. I’m chatting with a boy. My boyfriend! He literally just asked if I wanted to call him my boyfriend. Of course I’m smiling! “Oh, nothing, I just saw a funny picture.”

“You have been awfully happy these days, Adam.” He had that sincere tone in his voice. “It’s nice to see you this content. I don’t know who she is, but I like her already.”

I like that remark, but hate it at the same time. I like how he notices I’m happy and it is because of love. You know, it makes me feel proud of Yuri; he made me happy enough for my family to see it! But… and don’t get me wrong, my uncle is a great person - I love him a lot - it hurts that he assumed it was a girl. And that’s what confuses me, because I know him, I know he wouldn’t have a problem with me falling in love with a boy, we are a very open minded family. Also, I realise he doesn’t mean anything when he automatically talks about him as a she, because that’s the most common situation. It all makes sense, yet still it hurt when he said “she”.

“You’re not one to be happy a lot.” He lays his hand on my shoulder to emphasise what he just said. “So enjoy it. If you even remotely enjoy being happy as much as I enjoy to see you being happy, this is gonna be an amazing Christmas.” He turns and moves away, joining someone else he'd spotted.

My attention goes back to my screen.

“You should just turn your phone off, you’ve been looking forward to Christmas since I met you, just go enjoy yourself!” Yuri’s MSN message was there in front of me.

“You’re finally online, I missed you so much. I can’t put you away now. Though you are right, it’s really nice being here with my family. I always feel so at home when I’m with all of them.”

“I’d really want to meet them someday.”

“Next year! You will come with me as my boyfriend.” The moment I type that, my whole body fills with a warm feeling. At that exact moment, my aunt’s boyfriend - I guess you could call him my step-uncle - who is a doctor, but an amateurish photographer as well, takes a picture of me. A nice picture, I found out when he sent us the pictures after the weekend. The light literally is beautiful: in the background all the wonderful Christmas lights and on my face the raw light of my phone, combined with one of the most sincere smiles I ever produced. I liked that picture, so I saved it onto my phone.

Right now in my hotel room I open the picture again. I just left Rob’s and Ava’s house. We went to the university of Lily City today. Apparently a student of his wrote a computer program to do research about losing language proficiency after moving out of a country. He analysed thousands of examples of Dutch people who moved abroad. I’m not sure how all of it worked, but I gave Rob the emails Yuri sent throughout the years, which, believe me, was a weird thing for me to do. I had never shown the mails to anyone. Rob told me the computer couldn’t be one hundred percent sure, especially since Yuri wasn’t a native Dutch speaker to begin with. But it pretty much predicted that Yuri was either a native Dutch speaker that moved to an English speaking country or to a, for some reason, Danish speaking country. According to Rob it would be nearly impossible for someone to change the grammar mistakes he makes in such a way to fool the computer program.

I’m not too sure what to feel about this. It could mean Yuri wasn’t totally fake. Does that make me feel better? I don’t think so. It would be way easier to accept he was a fraud, a cat fisher. I want to believe my feelings of love were without any foundation and I want to be angry. Instead, here I am, looking at a picture of me. Looking at a boy in love. Feeling nothing but sorrow.

And yet, I feel free too. I went to the city I was supposed to go to three years ago. I did my research and didn’t learn too much. I think this means I can leave it behind me now, for a while at least. I can really start my travels, I can look for the river now. It’s getting late and I know I can’t hitchhike any further today, so I’m going to stay in this hotel for another night. Tomorrow, early, I’ll start hitchhiking. I really don’t know where I’ll go and that’s exciting! I’ll just accept the first ride I get.

But for now, I should eat. I don’t feel like going to a chic restaurant again, so I walk into the city to look for some fastfood. At a simple burger bar I eat way too much, so when I get back in the hotel room, I fall asleep immediately.

______________

I get up, make some coffee and read my email again. I know I have to reply to Seth’s last message, but I’m not sure what to say. I want to comfort him, to explain why I left. I don’t want him to be in pain just because I’m stupid. But I don’t want him to know I’m the anonymous blogger either. I need to keep my secrets, I’d die if I didn’t have anything personal anymore.

“Good morning Anonymous Reader,

I am very sorry I didn’t reply to your email any sooner, I’ve been very busy the past few days. I’ll write a new blog post very soon, I’m even thinking about writing specifically about my travels and the people I meet, even though I think that could give away my true identity to those people if they happen to read the blog one day. Maybe you’re right and I shouldn’t focus on keeping everything hidden anymore. You sounded like getting rid of the secret helped you a lot, even though not everything went according to plan. Still, as far as I can judge, whatever happened that night at the party still sounded pretty hopeful

Anyway, I’d love to hear from you about how it went!

Greetings,
AB."

I’m not too sure about asking him how it went, as it feels somehow like betraying him. I already know what’ll happen, my mother is going to tell him I’m on a biking trip for a week.

I pack my stuff into my backpack again, make sure the room is tidy and walk downstairs to grab some food from the breakfast table. I check out and finally walk outside. I’ve been living for this moment for so long. Finally, I’ll leave everything behind! Walking to the nearest supermarket, instead of walking in, I go around the back. There is a big container which I open. Immediately I find what I was looking for, a cardboard box. I tear off a decent piece and sit down to write anywhere on it with a pen. It doesn’t look too good, I should have used a marker, but it will do. Going back around the shop, I use Google Maps to find my way towards the nearest big road.

Ten minutes later, and a car pulls up next to me. “Where are you going?” I’m looking through the half-lowered window at an elderly guy with a long pale beard.

“I don’t mind. I just want to travel around.”

“Well, I’m going to Germany, just across the border. You want to tag along?”

“That would be great, thank you!” Opening the back door, I throw my backpack on the back seat. Then I sit down next to the driver.

“First time hitchhiking?”. He glances over as he pulls away.

“How did you know?”

The old guy’s definitely smiling now. “Well, I hitchhiked a lot when I was younger and everyone knows you shouldn’t put your stuff in the car before you’re in it yourself. I could have driven away with your stuff, leaving you empty-handed.”

“If you want to steal my backpack, I’m sure you can do that even when I’m in the car?”

“You’re right, but it’s easier the other way. Anyhow, first time hitchhiking, you’re like… sixteen, seventeen?”

“Sixteen, yes.”

“And why are you on the road all on your own?”

“That’s a good question. Well, I felt like I needed some time off. Just going to hitchhike for a few weeks.”

“Sounds like a lot of fun. And you don’t know where you’re going yet? Are you couchsurfing?”

I look up at him. “What’s that?”

“Never heard of couchsurfing? My son used to do it a lot. I’m not really sure how it works, but you get to sleep on people’s couches for free.”

Needless to say I'm pretty quickly making a profile on the website. Apparently you can just send a message to people and then they decide whether they want to host you or not. And it’s completely free! The reason it’s free is that they expect you to host others too. I could try this today, but I don’t yet know where I’ll go, so I wonder if I can find a place at the last minute.

“What’s your name, by the way?” For the last ten minutes I've been checking the website. Looking at couchsurfing profiles is addictive.

“Daniel.” He stretches his left hand over his right, he’s still driving, and shakes my hand.

“I’m Adam.”

My finger hovers over the text of my blog. I know I have to write, but I don’t know what about. I pretty much swore off the whole death topic. Hitchhiking should give me a few blog ideas, but so far I’m not having much luck. Daniel is going to the German border, which is great, but that’s another hour in the car. I have to write, or I have to talk, but it’s awkwardly silent right now.

For the first time in four days I wonder where Codey is. Did he and his dad have their talk about me already? You know, even though I disabled my phone - because I wanted to destroy all ties with my previous life - still it bugs me. If Codey knows I’m his… brother? Half-brother? I think he’d call me immediately, if he knew. Yet here I am, not knowing if he called.

I want to feel untouched by other people’s emotions, but it bothers me. I have to know how everyone is doing. But I can’t simply call him right now, that would be weird. I can’t ask Seth how they’re doing either.

“So, you’re still in school?” Suddenly the silence is broken.

I bet he was feeling uncomfortable too. “Yeah. High school. One more year and then I can finally start at a university!”

“You sound pretty hyped about that.”

“Well. I always felt like high school was too easy or something. I wasn’t motivated to do much, anyway. At some point I was skipping classes more often than going there.”

Daniel laughs. “You sound a lot like my son, you really do. When he finally went to university, his personality changed. Suddenly he talked a lot, which he didn’t do before. I hope it’ll work out for you too, man.”

“Thanks.” I put away my phone, I guess Daniel wants me to have a conversation with him now. “So, what do you do for a living?”

“I’m a water engineer for big companies. That sounds weird and believe me, it is.” He laughs. “I work for a company that pretty much manages all the water that businesses need. Take for example the big Mars factory. They need loads of water and it has to be managed. If they don’t have enough water, even for ten minutes, it could easily mean a few thousand euro loss.”

“Sounds interesting.”

“Actually, it is. I don’t work for the companies, but with them. I know exactly what goes on and yet I work for my own boss, a little company and a nice team. Do you know the Mars company?”

“Of course.”

“Well, their factory is in the Netherlands, they make all the chocolate bars that you see in any European country. They built their factory in the twenties. Do you know where it is?”

I shake my head.

“It’s in Veghel.” Daniel passes another car in a way that some people would call… well.. a little selfish. “It’s built there because they had a financial advisor who was looking for the cheapest place for a new factory. You might think they chose the cheapest spot to build, or maybe somewhere close to a river so transporting building material wouldn’t be expensive. They didn’t, the financial expect chose that village because it had the highest concentration of workless women. And they were the cheapest labour.”

“Sounds fair.”

Daniel gives a wry smile “Well, you may not know it, but Veghel is a village with a big convent, one of the largest in Europe. Officially, those women are all unemployed.”

“So they were looking for cheap labour, but found nuns instead? That’s sad.”

“Those are things you won’t hear if you don’t work for the water company.”

“I heard it, now, too..”

We talk a little bit about school, friends and work (I don’t tell him about the blog, of course). After half an hour we don’t really have anything more to discuss, so I grab my phone. Seth replied to my email already:

"Dear AB,

I felt hopeful at first too, but seeing him rush away after the kiss (did I tell you there were actually two kisses?). I was really confused, as I felt hopeful in the beginning. I even dreamed about him calling me his boyfriend and all (yes, it sounds stupid). But, he also never responded to any of my texts. He really is ignoring me. Yesterday I went to his house to talk to him, and I know that sounds really desperate, but the uncertainty is killing me, you know? I just want to know for sure whether I have a chance, because those kisses really confused me.

Guess what? He’s gone. He isn’t at home. His mother told me he’s on a biking trip. I know it’s just a vacation, but it really feels like he’s trying to avoid me big time. I’m nervous about when he comes back. How will things be then?

What about you? How is your journey? I hope you’ll be back online soon, I want to talk to you. Enjoy your journey!

Seth."

Well, I think this is the first time he ended an email with his real name. I know his name and he knows I do, but still we kept saying The anonymous reader. I think I like this change though.

“What are you smiling about?”

I look at Daniel, then at the car, finally back at the screen of my phone. I read an email from a boy. Someone I probably could have called my boyfriend! I literally had the choice to call him my boyfriend, but I chose to be in this car instead. And yet, I’m smiling. “Oh, nothing, I just saw a funny picture.”

“Well, I bet you’ll stop smiling soon. We’re almost in Papenburg, that’s where I have to be.”

“That went fast!”

“Yes. What is your plan? Do you want to go to Papenburg, or do you want to try to travel a little further? It’s still only 1 p.m., so I think you could get another lift?”

“To be honest, I didn’t really think further than getting my first ride.”

“If I’m allowed to decide for you? I would try to hitchhike some more. Papenburg really isn’t that interesting! The further you go today, the more beautiful the landscape will get. You should be able to get to Bremen, maybe even Hamburg.”

“Then I’m going to try that! Thank you so much for giving me a ride.”

“My pleasure, son.”