The world she left behind - 1. The world she left behind

The world she left behind

It was 13 years ago when I was close to thirteen. Summer holidays just begun and as always I would spend the first 2 weeks at my grandparents’ house 20 miles from where I lived. It was a small city and the neighborhood they lived in knew each other very well. I always loved it to spend part of my summer there because I would live in the small wooden house in the backyard. It’s like a 1 person apartment. It has a kitchen, a little bath, a big living room with a small fireplace in it. A little ladder led to the small bedroom where I slept in. My father used to live in this house for 2 years after the divorce of my mother. After he left, he left everything in there and started a new life with his new wife.

In the big house we’ll always eat and talk. My grants were really religious so we had to pray every meal but that never bothered me. I loved the meals my grandmother cook. But like always she cooked enough to feed a whole soccer league. My grandfather was a very grumpy old man but he was always very kind to me.

Ok, now to me. I was rather small and in no words skinny. I also wasn’t really fat but somewhere in between. I had always short dark blond hair and shiny blue eyes. I was good at school, you could say smart but I was always too lazy to do my homework so I got a lot of trouble because of that. For tests on the other hand I never really had to study. I walked into class and aced the test like always so my grades were still good.

Like always I would wander around the neighborhood after lunch to explore the difference to my hometown. The third day I was there I went to a small playground a mile away when another boy my age walked in with a much smaller boy. I sat there on the bench with my portable cd player hearing music like I always did. I watched the two boys play and after watching them a few moments I couldn’t leave my eyes from the older boy. I don’t know why but he fascinates me. He was my height with small blond curly hair. He was skinnier then I was. I don’t know other words to describe him but ‘cute’.

But why? I always thought boys were supposed to feel that way about girls, not boys. I thought back and realized I never thought of any girls as ‘cute’. “That’s strange!” I mumbled but to my horror the older boy heard what I said and came to me and left the smaller boy play alone. He sat down on my side and started to talk. I couldn’t hear him because I still got my headphones on my ears.

“Oh, sorry, I forgot about those.” I said and pointed to the headphones.

“No problem. Hi, my name’s Seth. I never saw you before, you’re new here?” He asked me and for the first time I saw this beautiful smile.

“Eh, no, I-I’m here on vacation. I’m visiting my grand’s. They live about a mile away from here.” We talked a little about this and that until he said he had to bring home his brother.

“Oh, ok. So, maybe I’ll see you around. Bye.” With that I started to walk away but he came after me and asked me to join him and after he brought back his brother we could hang out a little. So we walked to his house which was only a few minutes away and after that we headed out to my grand’s place to let him know where I stayed. We walked and talked and got to know each other pretty good in this short time.

At my grand’s I introduced him to my grandparents and we head off to ‘my’ house. I showed him around and we talked more. I don’t really know what it was but every second I got to spend more time with him it drew me closer to him. This went on for several days. We spend a great big time together and always when he was away I missed him. I missed it to be near to him. I missed it to touch him when we played. This was so confusing for me. One day he had to do something with his family and hasn’t got time for me. My whole mood was crushed when he told me and it went on the whole next day until my grandma came to ‘my’ house.

“Boy, what’s wrong? You seem down a bit. You got into a fight with Seth?” she asked.

“No. He had to do something today with his parents.” I answered honestly.

“You really like him, do you?” she asked and I nodded “You know, sometimes it isn’t really easy to feel like this but I got the feeling he feels the same about you.” What she said confused me more then I already was.

“What do you mean?” I asked with a confused face.

“I can see how you look at him when you two play around and I can see how he looks at you. What you feel is not uncommon for boys your age.” She answered with a little smile.

“Why is this so confusing? I always thought boys fall in love with girls and not with other boys? Why has that to happen? My mind is so screwed right now.” I told her in need of a good advice.

“Sometimes it is what it is. You can’t control what you feel towards others. What you feel is totally normal. It doesn’t matter if you fall in love with another boy or a girl. Just don’t let this feeling let you down somehow.” She told me.

“But why is my mind so confusing right now? I just want to be near him. It hurts when he’s not here. Yesterday as we were watching TV and he sat close to me I wanted to kiss him. I want this to stop.” I started to cry after I confessed my feelings to her. She came closer and hugged me.

“Maybe you should tell him what you feel. From what I could see over the last few days he starts to feel the same about you. Maybe you can call him later and ask him if he wants to spend the night. Your bed is big enough for the two of you.” She said to me and with that in some ways she calmed me down but in other ways I got really nervous about what I could say.

She really knew what to say to help me. The confusing thoughts somehow stopped and I could see this is nothing bad. Sure, I knew what the term ‘gay’ means but I don’t want to be gay. That was the thing what was so confusing. I knew those feelings existed in me but I always denied them. And somehow my grandma found out about that but she reacted not as I expected her to react. After she left I lay on the couch and was thinking about what I would say to Seth or if I would say anything at all. I don’t want to lose him over something like that but somehow I knew I had to do something.

Later that day I called him and asked him if he wants to spend the night. Before I could say anything more he ran away from the phone and asked his mother who said yes. We talked a bit on the phone about what we’ll do on the sleepover. When he came over that evening we got everything set up and we started our sleepover with some videogames. A few hours later we started a movie and we changed the couch to a 2 person bed so we can watch some movies and if we fall asleep we could just crash there and then. I made popcorn for us and lay down on his side. We were just in our boxers so we were ready for bed as well.

Before I could start the film Seth turned to me and said “You know, I didn’t have something to do with my family today. I’m sorry I was lying to you but I got so confused over the last few days I needed to talk to my dad about this. I don’t know why but I really like you. Like really like you. I know this sounds stupid and I can understand if you don’t want to be my friend anymore.” I looked at him in total shock but before I could say something my instincts started off and I leaned in closer to him and kissed him on the lips. I don’t know why but I just felt it was the right moment to do it.

After we parted away I said “I really got scared I was the only one who felt like this. Seth, I don’t care that you were lying to me about this. I’m just glad you told me about how you feel. Because I feel the same. I think I’m falling in love with you.” There. I said it. Now he has this face full of shock. He opened his mouth but nothing came out.

“Don’t say anything, I talked about this with my grandma. She told me this is normal for boys our age to be confused or curious about this. I mean, I know I like boys but I never had those feelings before and that scared me because I didn’t want to lose you.” This time he came closer and kissed me. This time the kiss was more passionate and lasted a little longer than the first kiss we shared.

“Mike, I don’t know what this is but I know what you mean. I always thought I liked boys but I decided never to react on that but when I met you everything was different. I was scared as well. I don’t want to lose you as well. My dad knew about this long before I told him today. He said if I want to ever be happy in my life I have to react on my feelings even if you or anybody else doesn’t feel the same way. If I never take the risk I would never find the love I want. That’s why I told you.” Seth said to me with a wide grin on his face.

We talked about it a while longer until we felt it was getting late and we were getting tired. We turned on the timer on the TV and before I could react he came closer and cuddled up next to me with an arm over my chest and his head on my shoulder. The skin on skin contact send some sort of electricity through my body which calmed me down in an instant. I kissed him one more time and wished him a good night.

On the next morning my grandma came in ‘my’ house to wake us up and saw us snuggled up against each other. I was awake before she came in but I just didn’t want to wake Seth. My grandma just smiled at me and whispered to me breakfast will be ready in 20 minutes. I nodded and waited for her to leave. I leaned over to Seth, kissed his forehead and touched his cheek to wake him up.

“Good morning sleeping head. I hope you slept well. Breakfast is ready in 20, we should get going.” I said as he opened his eyes. He smiled at me and kissed me on the lips. We got up, brushed our teeth, got dressed and walked to the big house. Before we were in sight of the house I pulled him to me and kissed him again.

“Thank you for coming over. That was the best night ever.” I said to him.

“It was. Thank you for having me here. Hehe. I really like to kiss you like that. But better not let you grand’s see that.” I nodded and we went inside to eat.

Our little relationship went on over the whole time I got to stay at my grand’s and a few months after that but because of the distance we separated apart. But that is not the point I tell this story. I wanted to tell this story because of the people who are involved outside of this little relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I really loved Seth and I hated that he has to live so far away (for an almost 13 year old ‘far’) but because of that we drifted apart and decided it was best if we stopped it before we both got hurt too bad. We were still in contact until he moved 400 miles away. My grandma and his dad were the reason I told this story. Not only did they accept our love for each other, they also led us in the right direction.

Over the years my grandma helped me a great deal with my feelings towards other boys/men. Other than Seth she never knew one of my boyfriends I got over the years. I never did so because I knew what grandpa thought about gays. Thinking back I should’ve just told him.

13 years later, as well known as today, I lost my grandma and this is one of many good memories I had of her. I wrote this story down to show that not all religious or old people react the same. It has something to do with love and how deep the love is. Love is not something you take away over something like sexual orientation. If family or friends truly love someone they won’t disown them. If they do they are not worth your love. The good thing of my life is, I just had to deal with this once. The story of my first love shows it can be perfect at that moment but with some terms we can’t control, it can get destroyed. I still miss Seth to this day and I should have done more to stay in contact but you can’t change what life has in mind for you.

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