Fragments of Sean - 3. But is Sean's Dad Really a Homophobe?

Sean almost never seemed to be where he said he would be.

Hopefully this time it was simply because I had arrived about ten minutes early.

There were double yellow lines painted each side of the road near the bank preventing me from parking immediately in front of it. So I made a left turn, drove down Dublin Road and managed to find a parking spot a hundred yards or so down, just outside the offices of the Tuam Herald newspaper.

Exiting and locking the car, I started to roll a cigarette as I walked back towards the proposed meeting spot. Before reaching it, I stepped into the alcove of the entrance to the Bank of Ireland. It was on the opposite side of the road from the Allied Irish Bank, which was now only about twenty yards away, and could be seen from where I was now standing. I decided to wait there, and hope Sean really would turn up.

Taking my mobile from my pocket, I searched for my recent calls list to find Gary's number. My intention was that, as soon as I saw Sean arriving, I would try to quickly call his dad to let him know that he was safe. I reckoned it was better that Sean didn't know I was talking to his dad as he might ask to speak to him as well, and I really felt that he needed to talk with him face to face rather than over the telephone. I pulled the number up on the screen ready to place a call, lit my cigarette, and waited.

A few minutes before eleven thirty I was pleased to see Sean approaching the meeting place. There was another lad with him. I pressed the call button on my mobile, waited until Gary picked up, and stepped back out onto the pavement. As I slowly walked down to where Sean and his friend were waiting, I had a quick conversation with his dad.

"Hi, Gary. It's Johnny. I've located Sean."

"Oh great, Johnny! Is he okay?

"Yea. He's with some friend in Tuam. I'm there myself now. Just about to give him a lift home."

"Thank God! His mother will be so relieved. Tell him he's still invited for family dinner. It should be ready about one o'clock or so."

"Okay, will do. Bye for now. Chat soon."

"Bye. And thanks."

I cancelled the call and slipped the mobile back in my pocket as I approached Sean. He was looking somewhat tired and maybe hung over, although I couldn't be absolutely certain of the latter. The lad with him looked to be maybe around eighteen or nineteen years of age. Sean spotted me.

"Oh, there you are, Johnny. I thought you might have been here already." His voice sounded a bit subdued.

"I had to find somewhere to park," I said, nodding towards the double yellow lines by way of explanation. "You've not been waiting long, I hope?"

"No, we only just got here. This is Liam. I've been staying at his house for the weekend."

"Nice to meet you, Liam. I'm Johnny," I said, holding out my hand.

As he shook my hand he asked me whether I was giving Sean a lift home. The tone of his voice made me suspect he was hoping I would reply in the affirmative.

"Well, he did text me an hour or so back asking me to. Why? Did you want him to stay a while longer?"

"No, no. That's okay."

The look on his face suggested he was relieved. I wasn't sure whether that was because he simply just wanted to get rid of Sean, or that he was genuinely concerned as to exactly how he was going to manage to get home. I looked back at Sean and noticed he had his backpack slung over his shoulder.

"You got all your stuff, then? Not left anything at Liam's?"

"Yea, Johnny. I double checked before we left the house."

"Okay. The car's over there," I said, pointing back towards the Tuam Herald Office.

"Nice meeting you, Liam. Maybe see you again," I said, as I shook his hand again.

"You too," he replied.

He turned, gave Sean an awkward looking hug, and started walking away.

"See you, Liam! Thanks for the weekend," Sean called after him.

"You too," Liam responded, waving his hand over his shoulder without breaking step or looking back.

I glanced at Sean. He didn't seem really upset about Liam's departure. He just looked more tired than anything else. I noticed there was a Supermacs just across the street from us.

"Want to head straight home? Or do you fancy a coffee or a bite to eat before we head off?" I asked, nodding at the Supermacs.

"My treat," I added, realising he might have no money on him.

"That'd be good, yea," he said "Thanks. I only had a bowl of cereal this morning."

"Great. I could do with a bite to eat myself," I said as we crossed the street.

Sean ordered a cheeseburger with large fries, and a large coke, while I settled for just a regular burger and a coffee. I paid for the orders and we went over to sit at one of the tables and await their delivery.

"So," I said. "How did you meet Liam?"

"We've been chatting for a while on Gaydar. He suggested I come down for the weekend."

"And was it worth it? Enjoyed yourself?"

Sean looked thoughtful for a few moments, and then smiled.

"Yea. It was a good weekend," he said. "Change of scenery, and all that."

His eyes seemed more alive, almost as though he was less tired than he had seemed a few minutes earlier. I was worried, though, that he might have forgotten his run-in with his dad two nights previously. It would probably be as well as to remind him about that before we got home, but I decided to wait until we were actually in the car. That way, if he really freaked out about it, I could at least make sure he did get home. Telling him here might make him afraid to go home.

The server brought over our food and drinks, and we both tucked into our food. Sean was eating more quickly that I was, and I momentarily wondered if it had been a good idea grabbing a bite to eat, as I still hadn't told him what his dad had said about him being invited to a family dinner. A full stomach might make him decide not to accept that invitation, and I really did think that he needed to clear the air with his dad. And sooner rather than later.

"So," began Sean, between bites of his burger, "you been up to anything exciting yourself this weekend?"

"Got a cheap deal for a B&B outside Tralee. Headed down after work on Friday."

"Did you go by yourself? Or had you arranged to meet someone down there?" he asked, sucking some of his coke through the plastic straw. He had a twinkle in his eyes.

"No," I laughed. "To the second question. I'm not a young horn dog like you. I did a spot of hill walking Saturday and Sunday. Got home last night."

"You're really turning into a sad old bastard, you know," he said with a mischievous grin. "It's time you found yourself a partner and settled down. Before you get too old altogether." He poked his tongue out at me.

It was really good to see this happy version of Sean. He obviously wasn't hung over, just tired. He really could be fun to be around when he wasn't drunk or depressed. I almost felt sad that I might chase his happiness away when I told him about what his dad had said to me about his behaviour on Saturday night. But that could at least wait for a while longer.

He took one of his fries, dipped it into the tomato sauce on the side of the tray, and lifted it towards his face. Just as he was about to pop it into his mouth, he paused and looked across the table at me.

"You should bring me hill walking with you one of these days."

I just wasn't expecting that, as Sean had never really seemed to be an outdoors sort of person to me. But I considered the suggestion for a few moments, and thought that it might actually be a good idea. Always assuming, of course, that it was a serious suggestion to begin with on his part.

In the past it seemed that the just about the only times we ever went out together was when Sean wanted to head out on the scene. I wasn't all that into the scene myself, but was happy enough to give him a lift when he wanted to go out on it. The whole drinking too much and trying to get laid side of it had started to lose its appeal to me. Perhaps I was getting a bit jaded by it all. Or perhaps, as Sean had said, I really was turning into a sad old bastard.

But hill walking might actually be a good idea for him. If he spent the odd weekend doing something like that, at least he wouldn't be exposed to the temptation of the drinking culture that seemed to dominate a lot of the scene.

"Well, come on. Say something. I'll not be upset if you say no," he said. I noticed he'd already eaten his fry and was busily dipping another one in the pile of tomato sauce.

"That's a possibility," I said. "You think you might like it? Done any in the past?"

"Not really. A little bit when I was in the Scouts for a while."

His expression darkened for a moment when he mentioned the Scouts. I briefly wondered if there may have been a story behind that, but decided not to ask. I didn't want to spoil his good mood.

"Might be a good idea, actually. It'd do you good to get out in the fresh air more," I said. "And it might be nice for me to have a bit of company on the hills."

"So you'd be up for it? I might slow you down, though. Don't know if I'd be as fit as you, walking up hills." It sounded as though he really was thinking about trying it.

"Well, we could start something easy to begin with. See how you get on."

"Great. Can't wait!" He sounded really excited.

"Just remember I work full time. So it'd likely have to be on a weekend."

"No problems. I don't care what day of the week we go."

He still hadn't quite finished his food so, as we discussed possible hill walking plans, I rolled three cigarettes, stuck one behind each ear, and put the third back in with my tobacco for the drive home.

The sun was starting to break through the clouds as we left Supermacs and headed to the car. It looked as though it would turn into a nice day, which made me think it might be a good opportunity to mow the lawn when I finally got home. Taking the cigarettes from behind my ears and putting them both between my lips, I lit them and handed one to Sean.

"Thanks," he said, taking it from me. "Do you think we could stop somewhere on the way home where I could buy a packet of proper cigarettes?" He was constantly ragging me about the fact I rolled my own.

"Yea, no problems. There's a service station just outside town."

"I'll have to bum the cost of them from you, though. I've no cash left, and I'm not sure if my debit card has any balance left on it. I'll pay you back."

"No worries," I said, taking out my wallet and handing him a ten euro note.

We reached the car and I headed out of town, remembering to stop at the Maxol service station on the N17 so he could buy himself some proper cigarettes. We drove in companionable silence for a few minutes.

"You've not got any painkillers, have you? I've a bit of a headache?"

"Yea, check the glove compartment. There should be some paracetamol. Not too bad, I hope?"

"Nah, not too bad," he replied, opening the glove compartment. "Just didn't get enough sleep this weekend."

"Hope it was worth it," I said.

"Yea, it was fun," he replied.

"Oh! What's this?" he suddenly asked, sounding slightly amused.

He was taking something out of the glove compartment. I glanced across and saw he was holding a wallet made out of shiny cardboard with a line drawing of two male figures holding hands on the front, and Rubber Up written in large colourful letters above them.

"What does it look like?" I asked with a laugh, turning my eyes back to the road.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see him open the wallet and take out the condom and sachet of lube that were inside.

"It looks like you're not such a sad old bastard, after all!" he laughed. "Even if you're not getting any, it looks like you're well prepared. Just in case you ever do get lucky."

"Cheeky young pup! I'm not that fucking old!" I retorted, laughing back at him. "I picked them up at the last disco we were at. Someone from AIDS West was handing them out for free."

He put them back into the wallet and pushed it back into the glove compartment, where he fumbled around until he found the paracetamol. Popping two tablets into his mouth, he washed them down with some of the unfinished coke he had brought with him from Supermacs.

"You don't happen to have any lip balm in there as well, do you?" he asked.

"Not a thing I normally use. Sorry."

"My lips are really dry and sore," he complained. "Did far too much kissing last night."

I laughed.

"Hey, stop laughing at me. Just 'cause you're too old for anyone to want to kiss, doesn't mean us youngsters can't be doing it."

I just laughed even louder, to which he simply joined in. I really did like this version of Sean.

"So..." I started, when we'd both got our laughter back under control. "Tell me all about this Liam fellow. How old is he? What does he do?"

"Oi! Back off Johnny, I saw him first."

I knew from the tone of his voice that he was only trying to wind me up. I could also see his reflection grinning at me through the rear view mirror. I simply stuck my tongue out at him.

"He's eighteen. Still at school. Doing the Leaving this year."

"Wow. That's a lot younger than your usual type. Thought you only fancied guys over forty."

"I do, really. Liam actually messaged me first on Gaydar. We chatted for a while. He seemed okay for a younger guy. So when he suggested we meet up this weekend, I thought 'why the hell not?'"

"Planning on meeting him again?"

He thought about that for a few moments.

"I'm not sure, to be honest. It was fun, but he is a bit young for me."

He paused for a moment to collect his thoughts.

"Probably not, though. Not unless he wants to. But he's hoping to go to college in a few months. Not much chance of a long term relationship if that happens."

"He might go to Galway. That's close enough."

"Nah. He says he wants to go to Dublin. Some media course he wants to do."

"Fair enough. So what did his parents say about you staying the whole weekend?"

"They don't know about it."

"Oh?"

"Yea. They went on some family trip for the long weekend. Somewhere in Cork. Took his younger brother and sister with them. Liam stayed at home to do some revision for the Leaving."

I chuckled at that.

"Well, unless biology is one of his subjects, I reckon he didn't get too much revision done this weekend."

"You really are a dirty old man, aren't you?" he said, with a laugh. "He did some before I got there Friday evening. And he's probably back at his books now."

"Not so bad, then. Sounds like he's got his head screwed on."

"Yea. I didn't get up till really late yesterday. Sleeping off all the drink from Friday and Saturday. He was sat at the kitchen table with his head stuck in his books when I did finally come downstairs around two."

"Sounds like he's keen, then. I hope he gets the results he needs."

Sean opened his packet of Benson and Hedges and offered one to me. Instead, I passed him my packet of tobacco and asked him to light the hand-rolled cigarette for me that I had put in it before we had left Supermacs. We drove on in silence for a while, enjoying our cigarettes and admiring the view. As we approached the turn off from the N17 towards home I realised I still had to talk to him about his dad having rung me.

"So how did you get down to Tuam on Friday?" I asked, as a way of starting the conversation.

"Dad gave me a lift in."

"Yea, I knew that, actually. He rang me last night."

"Oh? What did he want?"

"He wanted to know if I'd heard from you. Seemed a bit worried."

Sean shifted in his seat, looking a bit uncomfortable.

"Liam told me I was a bit nasty to him Saturday. Said some horrible things, apparently."

"Did he say what?"

"No. He said he didn't want to repeat them."

"Well apparently you'd arranged for him to pick you up Saturday night. But when he got there you were drunk and asked him for money."

"I don't think he gave me any," he said, a little uncertainly. He obviously had been seriously drunk.

"He didn't. Apparently you got very angry with him. Said some hurtful things."

"Oh fuck..." He sounded worried. "What did I say? Did he tell you?"

"Yea, he did. Can't you remember?"

"No, I was too drunk." He looked across at me. "What did I say to him? Tell me, Johnny."

"Apparently, when you asked him for money, he refused. Suggested you go home with him. You started shouting your head off. Called him a homophobe."

Sean buried his head in his hands.

"I do remember getting upset with him. Don't remember saying that to him, though."

"Well that's what he told me last night. I don't think he'd make up something like that."

"Fuck, fuck, fuck...," he mumbled. "That's why Liam didn't want to tell me."

"Your dad said you were shouting the word at him on the main street. Loads of people were about to hear you shouting it."

"Oh God, Johnny! He must be totally pissed off with me. How am I ever going to face him?"

"You'll just have to apologise. And as soon as possible, I reckon."

"I know. I don't know how I'll manage to, though."

He paused for a moment.

"I'll call down to the house in a day or two," he decided.

"Just don't leave it too long, Sean."

Even though I was tempted to, I resisted telling him not to wait at all, but to do it that afternoon. Part of the reason was because we were approaching the parish church on the final crossroads before home. I lived a couple of miles down to the left, Sean's house was straight on, and his parents' house was to the right. I put on my indicator and turned right.

It took him maybe fifteen seconds or more before he realised that I was no longer heading towards his house.

"Where are we going? This is the wrong way," he said.

"I was talking to your dad on the phone earlier. He said something about a family dinner today that you're invited to."

He started to look extremely uncomfortable. He was almost squirming in his seat.

"No, Johnny. Please! Turn around. I can't face him now."

"You're going to have to face him sometime. And he did ask me to drop you off for dinner. I told him I would."

Okay, that wasn't completely true. All he'd really asked me was to remind Sean about the family dinner. But I was prepared to twist the truth a little. I was worried that, after me telling him what had happened on Saturday evening, if he didn't speak to his dad now he might sink into a depression. If that happened and he had wine at home, which he so often did, he might use that as a way of trying to pluck up the courage to ring him. And that would almost certainly not help at all. It would only deepen any depression.

I lifted my foot slightly from the accelerator to let the car slow a bit, and looked across at him. He looked worried, almost in a state of total panic.

"Maybe I shouldn't have told you about what you'd said to dad. But I honestly think you need to talk to him now, Sean," I said gently, laying the emphasis on the word 'now'. "If we turn around and I leave you home by yourself, you're only going to sit and worry, and probably start in on one of your depressive states. Better getting it over with now."

Dropping down a gear to let the car slow even more, I glanced across at him again. He wasn't squirming any more, and looked as though he was at least considering what I had said. We were only about a quarter of a mile from his parents' house.

"I can't force you to do anything. Just say the word, and I'll turn around and drop you home. But I honestly think that would be the wrong thing to do. This needs sorting now. It'll eat you up inside otherwise. And what better chance than now, when the whole family's there?"

I immediately realised that there could be so many things that could go wrong with the whole family being there, but decided not to give voice to those thoughts. Dropping down into first gear, I lifted my foot even more off the accelerator until we were driving at little more than walking speed. I looked across at him.

"What do you think?"

He still looked more than just a little panicked, but at least he wasn't reaching for the door handle, or trying to loosen his seat belt. I pulled over to the side of the road and parked. Sean sat beside me staring down at the carpet in the footwell. I reached across and gently massaged his shoulder.

"Up to you. Parents or home?"

He raised his head and looked me in the eye.

"You're right," he finally said. " I have to face dad. But will you come up to the house with me? Don't just drop me at the gate."

"Of course I will," I replied, putting the car back into gear and starting to move forward again.

Sean's parents' house stood well back from the road, hidden from it by a small stand of trees. I'd never actually been up to it before, having always picked Sean up from the gate, or dropped him at it. As we approached the gate I started to slow down.

"Drive me up to the house, please, Johnny. I don't want to walk up alone. Be with me when I get there."

"Okay. No worries."

I stopped outside the front of the house and killed the engine. The front door opened and Gary stepped out. Sean wound down the passenger window, and father and son looked at each other.