Talo Segura

I found it a little difficult to follow. Why? Because as one editor once said to me: "I'm trying to find the word to tell you that there is such a thing as using too many descriptive phrases or too much description." This was a good, if sad, story, yet buried in an abundance of flowery prose, the kind of narrative that draws one too many comparatives. It was as if he had dropped a line into still water and felt it hit something with a different density than fish. The difficulty to follow was when the descriptions became oblique. We moved like the answer to a question asked long before this language, long before men in cheap suits invented rituals in the dark to make themselves feel companioned by power. The joining passed through us and remade us briefly into a shape too right to survive by those around us intact. What does that last sentence even mean? Anyway, thank you for an interesting short story.

I guess it's not a happy ever after ending, but I think he made the right choices and he's got his whole life ahead to find whatever he's looking for. Nice story, realistic.

It is a shock for me to learn that the author passed away.

I know I should be commenting on the book being reviewed, but you highlighted Suki Fleet’s This Is Not a Love Story and, well, I went to have a look and I'm hooked. The author writes gritty and odd love stories and this is certainly one, so thanks for mentioning it.

You never reply to any comments, not mine, not other readers. It makes me feel that as an author you don't want any interaction with readers beyond a few likes. The interaction is a feature of this site, but I think maybe you should be able to turn off comments if you choose to.

This story had a promising start, a unique first person narrative voice, but now I'm not even certain you knew you were writing that, because the story has become simply a story which you are telling. You kind of sum it up yourself, once upon a time in the land of make believe there were three young man who...

If the narrator is in this story, he would have been one of the other six at the dinner table. Leaving that aside we have Carl the obsessed narcissist. The interesting point about his history we are told in the introductions, "One secret he has never told anyone is that he was raped by his mother’s brother when he was sixteen. The reason he chose to keep it a secret is that he enjoyed the experience. He even tried to get a repeat from his uncle," Now some readers might crucify you for casually saying the sixteen year old enjoyed being raped, but I'm not one of those readers. No, it's a statement of fact, and honest, but it poses a question, why did he enjoy it? And so much, he wanted a repeat. I can think it was the dominance he got off on, anyway, we will see as the story develops.

I found it very different that the author has a first person voice, he (presuming it is a he) is telling us the story from his point of view, "I will begin by telling you as much about the students as I can." The author must surely be a part of this story because he knows our three young men intimately, has he slept with each of them? I ask the question because he knows the size of each of their cocks, an intimate detail, because he knows how big they are fully erect! And why would our narrator focus on their cock sizes? I leave that for you to imagine or the author to explain, but that might not be possible without spoiling this story. In any case, a great start, interesting and different, exciting and engaging, pleased I found it. Just one small point, you do yourself no favours in advertising the story, attracting readers, with such a brief summary.

I'm giving up on the story here. I can't read another eleven long chapters, because everything is so drawn out. Half of this should be cut and with an edit and a little more realism, it might make a half way decent story. But the poor English, I also got to get, which is plain gobbledygook, combined with too much self-reflection, it's hard to read. I think it suffers from being written in the first person, the other characters are not developed, their interweaving relationships are not explored. I wonder if ten years on the author still writes in first person, maybe I'll take a look.

I gave this chapter a like, but only just. It needs editing, the story labours the recovery and the English gets worse. And thinking is something I still had a lot of to do. That simply isn't English in either British or American versions. I still had a lot of thinking to do, would be better.

I want to make a comment about the English, much as I hate the use of gotten, I accept it's American. However, got, is definitely over used. I'm not going through all the examples, suffice it to say the word can easily be replaced by alternatives. Add to this use of got, gotten, get, the sentence structure, and an edit could make the story read better. Sentence structure is a difficult topic, because I have no idea what is acceptable in American English. But take this example: it had been a while since I'd gotten off last. Not changing the use of got, gotten, the order is wrong. It should read: it had been a while since I last got off. If you examine the sentence structure, putting last at the end of the sentence associates last with off, gotten off last meaning he was the last to get off. When last should be associated with I, I last, did this or I last got off. Okay, you can argue it doesn't matter, nobody cares, and the reader understands. That may be true, but it is none the less adding to a bastardisation of the English language, and after all, we learn English by reading it. If it's incorrect we learn and perpetuate the errors. This is a narrative account, not popular speaking dialogue.

I have two comments: nothing dramatic, but the way things go feels a little exaggerated, Toby and Ryan getting into bed with Connor in the hospital and staying overnight. Maybe in America you get a single room, but who pays the hospital? Comment two is an observation: it is very apparent I am reading a different language, albeit English. There are the sentence constructions, the use of gotten, and words that don't exist in British English, conniption fits. Conniption, I had to look it up.

It's a terrible rape scene about to unfold. In the context of the story and Conner's life it may not be surprising, but I wasn't expecting it, and the physical and mental injuries will be difficult to come back from. A very honest portrayal of an ugly reality.

They are all young, the idea of monogamous boyfriend relationships is... well, what is it? I don't really know. Sure it exists, childhood sweethearts who stay together for life, but I imagine it's pretty rare. Mostly teenagers move between liaisons, which is kind of normal.

I can't really see 14 and 15 year olds as boyfriends, more friends who have sex. Connor has admirers, Toby as well, probably Ryan, we'll see where Cody fits in, but boyfriends like a monogamous relationship, way too young, that I think would be very rare.