Jacob Matthews - 2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Lunch ended too soon, as usual, and hearing the screeching of the bell, my fellow classmates and I cascaded into the halls and toward our next class. I may actually be on time for once, I thought, since I already had all my books with me.

“Hey Nick, where d’you think you’re going with my Maths book? I paid good money for that!” Sam proclaimed in an offended manner, as if he actually cared about it.

Looking down I realised that I’d grabbed his book by mistake at lunch, just my luck. Well it’s not so much bad luck as just being inattentive, but I have this ‘The whole world’s against me’ complex, in case you hadn’t already noticed.

“Like you even want it back” I replied, as the remaining few students were scattering to class.

“Mate, you’re gonna come right over here and place it delicately in my arms or so help me, you’ll pay the price later” he threatened, with a challenging gleam in his eyes. Like hell I was going to put up with that.

I took two steps forwards as if complying to his demand, only to launch the dictionary-sized textbook at his head, frisbee style. I didn’t stay to watch as I was already off and running, but I heard what sounded like Sam holding up a shield of his other books to deter the incoming projectile. The resounding thwack echoed through the nearly empty corridor, but it sounded as if I missed my target. Damn his reflexes. I’d need to watch my back for the next week in fear of payback.

I didn’t stop running, purely because now I was actually late to class, and Maths wasn’t one of the subjects I could just trawl along in. I snapped open my locker, grabbed my book this time, slammed it shut and within seconds was strolling out of breath through the doorway into Mrs Carol’s class.

Mrs Carol was a good teacher, but had a few annoying tendencies. One of which was assigning homework every single night, and the more pressing matter, was that she had a seating plan. Oh why was this the day I forgot she had a seating plan. The rules are simple, on the first day of class, pick your seats then you remain in them for the remainder of the year. It’s apparently an attempt to foster ‘shared learning’ or some crap, but it’s just a pain in the ass if you have no mates in the class.

Sure enough, due to my antics, I stroll in to find only one remaining pair of desks left currently unoccupied. I move in and take my seat on the left hand side and begin the lesson trying to take down the notes already on the board. Typical me, behind in class on the first day of school. Looks like I wasn’t getting a seating buddy this year, fine by me, more room to spread my stuff over. I was thinking this class might not be so bad this year until the door swung open.

I looked up from my books and yeah, you guessed it.

“Ah, you must be Jacob, I heard of the last minute arrangements, please take a seat”, he flashed her an attractive smile and made his way to the only available seat in the class. The one right next to me. He seemed to realise it slightly later than I did, and his eyes met mine a few metres from the desk he seemed cautiously surprised, before he settled down into the seat next to me.

“Hey, nice shirt”, he teased, noting the too big, stained, clearly not-mine spare shirt I was wearing. I turned to look at him with a witty retort, but until I faced him I didn’t realise how tall he was. I considered myself slightly above average, and he was a half head taller than me while sitting down. In surprise at this revelation, I couldn’t help but forget what I was going to say, instead nodding in reply and turning back to my books. I saw the side of his mouth lift up at my non-attempt of a comeback, seeming curious by the lack of retort too, but he didn’t question it.

Just my luck, a whole year next to the guy I ran into only hours ago. I guess it wouldn’t have been too bad if he was anyone else, yet his deep breaths were rhythmic and noticeable and they were starting to get on my nerves. I couldn’t easily think through the constant inhale and exhale, I turned to shoot him an annoyed glare only to see his large figure hilariously curled around the fragile table, scrawling furiously in an effort to catch up. A brief snigger escaped me, and he turned to look toward me, a slight smile on his face and light, questioning eyes. I simply acted as if I didn’t notice him looking at me and continued on working.

“Alright everyone, exercises 1-4 all parts are to be completed by tomorrow” Mrs Carol chimed over the hustle and bustle of people getting up and leaving their seats. What? How? I looked down to find I had only done 5 questions, while my desk partner had somehow managed three and a half pages. Where did all the time go?

I drifted unconsciously to exit the doorway not paying attention to my surroundings only to stumble into someone at the doorway, almost dropping my books.

No. This can’t be happening again.
Yes. It can.

“You’re exceptionally unobservant, is it just today, or are you like this every day?” questioned blue eyes inquisitively. He chuckled and kept walking out into the corridor while I remained stunned in the doorway.

I gathered my bearings, and walked in a trance like state to my last class of the day, English. I spent none of the class actually listening and doing any work, instead I pondered over how embarrassing it was to literally walk into the new guy twice in a day. The time flew by and before I knew it, I was out into the car park, the dreaded first day of school over. Well, the school part at least. I spotted Sam waiting by my car.

“What’s up with you why are you all mopey?” he interrogated.

“I’m not all mopey.” I responded frustrated.

“Right…” he murmured, knowing when I didn’t want to talk about something it wasn’t worth pressing the matter. I respected him for it because how stupid would I sound if I actually told him. No need to live through the embarrassment again, I’d already been replaying in my mind all day anyway.

We both hopped into the rusted blue bomb of a car, which only set me back $200, yet other costs included broken air conditioner, no locks – although I don’t know who’d want to steal it, and a dodgy starter to name a few. On the fifth try we were off and away, the loud roar of the engine filling the whole car.

On a day like this it was impossible not to put the windows down, otherwise it felt like you were being slow cooked. It got that hot. Down the windows went, music pumping something top 40, along the winding road to Sam’s place. It was kind of an unspoken word that Mondays were just hangout days. It’d always been that way between us, ever since I can remember. It didn’t matter whose place it was, or what was on the agenda, Mondays were our day.

I’m sure it probably started over something like the ever-laborious bus rides since primary school, that and the fact that both our houses were only within a few hundred meters of each other – but at some point in that early friendship this ritual was forged, and I wasn’t about to mess with it.

You know how some things in life are certain? What’s that old adage? The only thing certain in life is death and taxes? Well add to that literally and figuratively running into topics that I didn’t want to think about, talk about or deal with getting brought up.

“The rugby team looks pretty decent this year – there’s some new guy, Jake, seems pretty chill but has good hands on the ball” Sam commented. “Uhhh dude – what’s with the face? First you’re all mopey, now it looks like you’ve been sucking on one of those sour warheads for too long” he queried.

“Ahh Sammy boy – there’s your first problem, thinking you get to comment on this face” I deterred, gesturing to all of me. “But for your information, I just completely forgot about tryouts for soccer tomorrow until your brought up your rugby. I’m also considering swimming, but not sure if it would be worth it doing it as a competitive sport, or just swimming intermittently for fun” I declared.

“You guys have tryouts for soccer? Haha man that sucks – we just let whoever in just so we have the numbers. And swimming for fun? You’re crazy!” Sam exclaimed.

“Uhh – says the guy who spends most of his summer at the beach? Hypocritical much?” I shot back.

“Surfing is not swimming. C’mon man you know that…” Sam then begun detailing exactly what was and was not ‘fun’ and should be considered a sport or not. Luckily we both vehemently agreed that golf was definitely not a sport. I mean what’s the point of a sport you can play on your own where the ultimate aim is to play it for the least time possible? That’s what I thought. Well the important thing for now was at least I got him off that rugby conversation, that’s something I didn’t want to have to deal with right now. How unlike me, procrastinating and not dealing with thoughts and feelings I didn’t feel like dealing with until they ate me up inside. I’d never had that happen before. Oh wait – yeah I had a good few years of that in early high school until I spilled the beans to Sam last year. Either way, at least I was well-practiced in ignoring myself, so back to the ever-healthy past time of compartmentalising my feelings.

I jarringly pulled up out the front of Sam’s place no thanks to that shoddy clutch of mine. I mean it’s a $200 car, everything’s shoddy but at least it runs. We jumped out and ran up to the door and waltzed in like we owned the place. I mean it was practically my second home. We made our way through the kitchen to grab some snacks, I grabbed my favourite flavour bag of chips – light and tangy obviously – and started generously shovelling them into my mouth. Sam had the same idea with some choc-chip cookies straight out of the pack as we both wrestled for dominance over our respective snack haul. As Sam flung me out of reach of the cupboard into the open kitchen I was met with a startled figure.

“Hi mithuth Hendrick, nithe to thee you!” I mumbled around a mouthful of chips as I flashed her my award-winning set of pearly whites. She quickly recovered and adopted a defensive posture which made me gulp down the rest of my chips rather quickly.

“Well don’t just talk to me with your mouth half full, you may as well fill it all the way up” she chided. “And you need to stop calling me Mrs Hendrick all the time, I swear I’ve been telling you for years just to call me Steph”.

“Sorry Steph” I mumbled awkwardly. Saying an adult’s first name was weird – it was like seeing one of your teachers out in the wild and realising that they do indeed have first names, like you and I, and some of them even have friends!

Sam practically tackled his mum the moment he saw her and began trying to plant a kiss on her cheek with a crumb coated face. “Awww c’mon mum! Just trying to show you I missed you!” he jokingly whined as she squirmed to escape his embrace.

“Geez you realise this isn’t a rugby match right? I’m not 100kg of pure muscle trying to outrun you! Now just back off and stop raiding the pantry” she admonished in a friendly manner pushing him away and giving him a light-hearted slap on the side of the arm.

“Thanks Steph” I yelled over my shoulder as we wandered outside.
“Yeah thanks Steph” Sam mimicked in jest much to the chagrin of his mum who rolled her eyes on the way to clean up the mess created in the previously pristine kitchen.

Sam had one of those old school trampolines in the back of his yard – raised off the ground and no side nets. It was the real deal. We’d spent hours bouncing on it doing backflips and front flips, or at least attempting them. These were before the days of overcautious parents not letting their kids out of their sight. If you fell you fell, and you just had to deal with the consequences. Much like life. Either way, Sam was winning the hospital trips contest two to one thanks to our overzealous competitiveness, where he’d done his arm and wrist in two separate instances, while I’d broken my collarbone going for a double front tuck and hitting the support pole on the edge of the trampoline on my misguided jump off the hazardous piece of equipment. Nowadays, we usually just chilled out underneath the canvas to escape from the heat in summer, but still be able to enjoy the cool breeze without needing to worry about sunburn. Sometimes if nobody was home when we’d get there, we’d sneak one of Sam’s dad’s beers between us to get a little buzz going. We were cautious to try to go unnoticed, hence only the one beer, but the fridge almost always seemed fully stocked.

As we got to the trampoline, Steph poked her head round the door to let us know that she was “just going down to the shops and would be back in thirty minutes”.

“So…” Sam explored cautiously, “there really were no guys over the summer break?”

“Really man? You were there for pretty much all of it” I sighed exasperatedly.

“Yeah but not the last two weeks…” he trailed off.

And I guess he was right. He wasn’t there for the last two weeks, and we didn’t get to see each other until earlier this morning at school. Still what did he expect? It wasn’t as easy for me to find someone as it was for him. I mean I was limited to what, 2-3% of the population? Yeah. Not gonna happen. And definitely not in two weeks.

I began to explain as much to him but it wasn’t like he’d ever understand.

“What do you mean, I wouldn’t understand? I know you dude. You’ve been my best friend for ages and I know what you’re like! Sure, I don’t know what it may be like to be gay, but that doesn’t mean I can’t empathise with you man. I’m just trying to help you have the most normal experiences you can but you don’t really put yourself out there you know?” he fired off in rapid succession.

I sat slightly stunned by his surprise outburst. I mean don’t get me wrong, I was definitely appreciative of his loyalty and our relationship, but I wasn’t ready to hear what he had to say no matter how truthful it was. It was easier to blame my problems on other things.

“Do you even know any other gay guys?” Sam enquired.

“Well, no – but-“ I stammered

“Well no nothing. I get that we’re friends man, but let’s be real here, this is our last year of school. After this, who knows what’s gonna happen? If we end up going different paths you’ll be on your own and so will I, and we’re just gonna have to make do. I know how you are, you’re charismatic and friendly, but you push people away because you don’t know them well enough – but you never let people close enough to get to know you. It’s a doomed cycle from the start, and it pains me to see it man. I want to, but I can’t always be there for you.” Sam’s monologue continued.

Sam’s revelation had come as a surprise to me. Obviously I hadn’t known that he’d seen all this, although his words were true enough to take at face-value. And do I know any other gay guys? I mean what does he expect. It’s not like there’s some kind of homing beacon inbuilt into me as a gay guy. I mean sure there’s ‘gaydar’ but it sure as hell doesn’t instantly reveal gay guys who want to be friends. Where would I even go to meet gay people intentionally? I spend most of my time with him anyway, I don’t know why he’s complaining. Well, not complaining, more like harassing me about this whole gay thing. Or this friend thing. Or whatever this is – I don’t know what to call it, but either way I didn’t want to deal with it or be having this conversation right now, and I think Sam knew it too, but he had a determined expression on his face, and that was never a good sign. I always came off these interactions second best. I prepared to relent but put up one last feeble attempt at defending myself.

“I do have other friends in the soccer team” I rebutted meekly.

“But when was the last time your hung out with any of them outside of soccer?” he gently asked.

“4 months? 5 months?” he rhetorically stated.

Of course he knew how long it had been. I mean it wasn’t really fair. Almost half of that time had been the summer holidays, and the season was over at the end of the year. But now that he had me thinking about it, I had lightly rebuffed a few of the guys’ plans because I just wasn’t in the mood for it a few weeks ago, and a few weeks before that as well. Screw it. I was too stubborn to admit to Sam that he was right, but I probably had to take at least some of what he had said on board.

“Fine” I grumbled acting moodily. Sam, however could see right through it as he saw the edge of my lips twitch up briefly in smile, which he jumped on and practically yelled:

“Yeah boy. Time to get you a boyfriend!”

The sound of keys hitting the pavement broke through the stunned silence as Steph stood still staring at me in shock.

I felt my breathing quicken and my muscles tense. No… I thought. This can’t be happening. But what time is it? It can’t have been two minutes since she left for the shops? My heart rate increased with each shallow breath I took. I felt like I had just run a marathon and was told that I’d have to run all the way back as well. Sam’s eyes shot quickly to mine in fear and apology etched in his stare. Maybe she hadn’t heard it. I mean, she couldn’t have. But then, Sam had effectively screamed that I was gay at the top of his lungs. It had gone so quickly from a nice moment of friendship to one of the most tense moments of my life. The fight or flight response had already kicked in. Instead of fight or flight though, my body has decided to freeze. Nobody talks about that option do they?

“Uhh…. Mum did you happen to-“ Sam started.

“I just forgot my keys…” she stammered. She broke eye contact and looked down awkwardly and mumbled something that sounded like ‘I’m going to…’ and shuffled into the house.

“I’m so sorry” Sam exhaled. “I swear I didn’t know – I didn’t mean to – I don’t – I mean – I can’t – She wouldn’t – I just… Fuck.”

“I’ll fix this. I’ll fix this.” He mumbled, seemingly more to himself than to me, but I couldn’t do anything as he quickly got up and rushed into the house after her.

I was still sitting stunned and frozen in place. It was like my brain could not compute what had just happened. Once minute everything was fine, and the next the whole world had been turned on its head.

In a trance-like state it seemed that my body had finally decided that flight was the only option here as I dazedly worked my way towards the house, the chips and cookies lying forgotten beneath the trampoline.

As I walked through the kitchen, I could hear whisper shouting and partial phrases of Steph’s as well as Sam no doubt trying to save our friendship. “Can’t believe… Not safe… Get out… No friends…” the murmured words echoed and bounced around my head. No friends? Is that what was going to happen? I mean Sam pretty much just told me himself that he was my only friend. What would happen now.

I didn’t notice that a tear had slowly been working its way down my cheek. The voices grew louder but I couldn’t comprehend what they were saying, as there was a ringing in my head and shrill echoing. I felt sick. I felt like I was about to pass out. Just as I reached the front door, it swung open and I briefly glanced at a surprised but welcoming Mr Henrick. I’d always liked Rob, but his surprise turned to concern as I stormed hurriedly past him and his head whipped back and forth between the voices now approaching the hall and my dishevelled figure turning from a run into an all-out sprint from Sam’s place down the meandering streets to mine.

I was thoroughly winded by the time I made it home, and thankfully mum wasn’t home yet. I stumbled up to my room and with a heartbreaking sob collapsed in a heap on my bed, waiting for the therapeutic darkness which I just wanted to take me in its cold embrace.