Virtualization - 16. Memories and Regrets

Asa looks at the names, “We should have done this earlier. There are so many names missing.”

Collin sighs, “Where would we have done it?”

Asa can’t answer that. Before today, he didn’t even know there was an in game forum. It explicitly wasn’t implemented during the afternoon event, so he’d never bothered looking for it. It seemed no one else had either, as when Brandon had found it via the help menu it was completely empty. The only thing there now is the list of names. Every player anyone could remember who is no longer on the server. The list is far from complete and probably never will be.

“Is there a way to pin the post?” Ardine asks.

Collin turns to Brandon, “Does the help menu mention anything?”

Brandon sighs, “It said that a board administrator can pin it. I made this board, so I guess that means me.”

“You can make one of us an admin if this is too much for you?” Collin offers.

Brandon shakes his head, “No. I think I want to do this.” Collin puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles at him in response.

Asa thins his eyes, “I never thought we’d be pinning a post to a message board as a memorial. Its like a cosmic joke is being played on us.”

Brandon turns to him, “Asa?”

Asa looks at the names again, “When I look at this list, I feel like I did when we were first trapped here. Angry and frustrated.”

“You did a good job of hiding it.” Ardine notes.

Asa looks at her, “It seemed more important to do other things at the time. And then, everything just… started getting better. But… now I think about all those conversations we had about it and I wonder why anyone would do this to us! And the only answers I can think of are all sick!”

Ardine looks down, “I wish I could disagree.”

“But there isn’t anything we can do about it, is there?” Brandon posits.

Asa shakes his head, “That just makes it worse! We can’t even fucking cry! How are we supposed to deal with stuff when we can’t even fucking cry?!”

Wake walks over to Asa and pulls him into a hug, “That’s how you’d resolve your feelings IRL isn’t it? You’d go by yourself and cry.”

Asa punches Wake’s chest in frustration. “It’s pathetic, I know.”

Wake shakes his head, “There’s nothing pathetic about that. Allowing yourself to cry, even in the privacy of your own space, is hard for most men.”

Asa sighs, “Maybe. But it doesn’t matter. Now I can’t even do that!”

Collin walks over to Asa, “To tell you the truth, I feel the same way. I realize I’ve been trying to distract myself from it, but now that I think about it. Now that I see the list of names. Now that I consider why anyone would do this? It’s like I’m suddenly full of a million emotions with no adequate way to express any of them.”

“Whoever came up with the term emote for icons was a fool.” Brandon says. “They can’t possibly express what we need them to.” He walks over to Asa and Wake. “We need to figure out another way to express the loss.” He hugs them, “I know it’s hard.”

Collin closes the forum window, “I don’t feel like looking at that anymore.”

Ardine nods, “That’s understandable.” She walks over to Collin, “Brandon’s right. We do need to figure out how to really express our losses. I think we’re all feeling it now. The pressure of being unable to express ourselves. Feelings we repressed, not because we didn’t want to feel them, but because we had no outlet to express them. But that’s not healthy.”

Collin nods, “It’s so easy to express anger here. Frustration. It’s also easy to express joy. But sadness. Loss. The truly important things to resolve. What do we do about those?”

“Talk.” Wake says. “We can always express what we feel with words, like we are now.”

Collin looks down, “Is talking enough though?”

“We have to find a way to make it be.” Ardine says, “Because Wake’s right. It’s all we have. Expressing emotion via action is dangerous. Talking can be worked through. It may not be able to be taken back, but we can, at least somewhat, choose our reactions to it.”

“But actions have consequences.” Brandon finishes. “Right?”

Ardine nods, “Exactly.”

“We shouldn’t totally discount action as a means of expression.” Asa says. He then turns to Collin, “For example. I want to change my build. As good as I am with it, I’m so limited in what I can do. And I’ve been thinking about it. I want to try a build that many have sought but few have mastered. The unarmed, dual menu spiral mastery build.” He turns to everyone. “I’m no longer going to sit around and wait for things. I’m going to make my own opportunities.”

Despite his anger and frustration, he smiles, “It’s going to be hard. I’m going to have to learn an entirely new way of fighting. Fighting as part of a team.”

Ardine grins at him, “You know what? I should do the same. Not that I’m going to change my build. I think my build is great for our team. But I have to admit, I’ve mostly just been doing my own thing while the rest of you do yours. Brandon and Wake have perfected their roles. It’s time we became a four person team.”

Collin looks down, “I should do that too. Lloyd told me something before we did the boss fight. That I had to get my head out of my ass. That you guys would execute my plan perfectly, but that it’d be my plan. And you did execute the plan as well as could be expected under the circumstances, but the plan was doomed all along. It was made with a bunch of assumptions that turned out not to be true. It wasn’t my plan. My plan left almost nothing to chance.”

He shakes his head, “If only I hadn’t lost faith in myself. If only I hadn’t been comparing myself to you. I kept thinking ‘I may be great at builds, but the actual top players are so much better at the game than me that they’ll be integral to the fight.’ It never even occurred to me that I might be.”

Ardine sighs, “I must say, I made the same mistake. I didn’t even consider your build.” She shakes her head, “Or my own for that matter.”

Asa nods, “I can’t say that I always trusted you, but now? You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

Collin nods, “You’re right. And that stops now. As Ardine once said, we shouldn’t be underconfident. I need to find the right amount of confidence. Not overconfident, but trusting in my abilities.”

He smiles and waves at them as he walks off, “And I think I need Lloyd and Tracy for that.”

“I hope you find what you’re looking for!” Wake yells.

“Good luck!” Brandon yells after him.

While The A team watches as Collin leaves the lodge, Ardine addresses Asa, “So. You aren’t going to ask Collin about your build?”

Asa shakes his head, “I made and mastered my original build myself. Collin may be the master of the game mechanics, but that just means I need to step up. Besides, I think the best way for me to master my build is to make it myself. Learn both what does and doesn’t work.” He puts his arms around his guild mates. “And I have the perfect team to help me.”

They grin at him, “Always.”

Meanwhile

Brent looks over at Nina, “Are you sure you wanna do this?”

Nina nods, “It’s what Shirley would want.”

“But you hated that suggestion.” Brent responds.

Nina shakes her head, “I didn’t hate it. I was just angry. But… Shirley wouldn’t have wanted us to be angry.” Nina sighs, “It’s so unfair! Why’d she, of all people, have to die?”

Brent has no answer, so he holds up the kilt they’d been altering. What was once the traditional red and white plaid was now solid purple with a lighter purple daisy on the bottom left corner. They’d been surprised when that was one of the available prints. It makes Brent wonder why clothing is gender locked at all. “How is this?”

Nina nods, “It looks better than I thought it would.”

Brent give it to her, “Equip it?”

Nina does and then looks in the mirror in the clothing shop. She smiles, “That does look nice.”

Brent smiles at her, “It complements your short hair.”

Nina frowns, “I wish I could grow it out.”

Brent shakes his head, “Girls look great with short hair.” He pauses for a moment, “You look great with short hair.”

Nina looks at him, “I look great with short hair?”

Brent nods, “You do. I’ve always digged girls with short hair.”

Nina sighs, “You mean boys right?”

Brent shakes his head, “No.” He turns her around so she’s facing the mirror. “I mean girls.”

He points to a flower hairpiece. “You should wear that. It’ll look great with that skirt.”

Nina is about to correct him that it’s actually a kilt, but she stops herself. She can do this. She can be positive. This is a skirt because she’s wearing it as a skirt. If Brent, a cisgendered heterosexual boy, can see her as a cute girl, then she can do it. She can see herself as one too!

Then something else occurs to her, “But what do I do about my chest? And shoulders?” She frowns. She’s always had broad shoulders for her height. It annoys her.

“Accept that butch is another kind of feminine.” He says, “What if you weren’t assigned male at birth? You could still have just as wide shoulders. What’d you do then?”

Nina shakes her head, “I don’t think that’s helping.”

Brent sighs, “I just mean, lots of cisgendered people are unhappy with their bodies. There’s nothing we can do about your shoulders, right? So rather than doing something about them, lets see if we can do something with them.”

Nina looks at him, “You’re full of surprises. I’d never pick you out as caring about fashion.”

He snickers a bit, “I’ve never really thought about it before now. But you… you’re so beautiful and you don’t even see it. You don’t need slender shoulders or wide hips or long hair to be beautiful. You have a great heart and are super strong. You accepted me when I had nothing but anger and self loathing. I wish I could just show you how I see you.”

Nina is glad she can’t blush, “Really? You mean that?”

He nods, “Yeah.”

She unequips everything, revealing herself to him, “Even now?”

He looks down at her crotch, then looks up at her and grins, “It’s strange. I wouldn’t have thought so. But even now, you’re just a beautiful girl to me.”

Nina can’t help herself. As awkward as it was, that’s the best thing anyone has ever said to her. She hugs him, “Thank you!” A moment later she turns around and looks at herself in the mirror. “I wish I could see myself that way.”

“Until then. Cover yourself up however you need to to feel right.” Brent says.

“You seem so sure I will.” She says.

Brent nods, “I know you will, because you’re strong. A lot of people would have given up. Just accepted their situation and tried to ignore their feelings. But you aren’t. I wish I could have done that. Maybe my brother would still be alive.”

Nina looks at him, “What do you mean?”

Brent looks down, “When I think back on it, I never wanted to PK. I just wanted to hang out with my older brother. Since he loved it, that’s what we did. Maybe if I’d been more assertive… or independent, he’d still be alive.”

Nina hugs him, “Don’t think like that.” She smiles at him, “Your smile is too beautiful.”

He smiles at her sheepishly, “My smile is beautiful? Not ruggedly handsome?”

She pokes him in the chest. “Rugged handsomeness is a kind of beauty.” She teases, causing him to laugh. He’s not sure it’s good or bad that he can’t feel aroused, but he definitely can feel something more than friendship. Whatever else Nina might be, she’s someone who makes him happy.

“So, about your top. I know you don’t want to show off your figure, and want to de-emphasize your shoulders, so how about a vest?” He suggests.

“A vest? Keep my shoulders visible? And what about my chest?” She asks.

He nods, “If we pick a color that stands out more than your skin tone, it’ll keep eyes off your shoulders. And it’ll be easy enough to choose an undershirt that covers you up.” He smiles at her, “I might not be a fashion designer, but I love to draw. Color, shadowing. That I can do.”

“You’re full of surprises today.” Nina says.

Brent looks down, “That’s the thing. I shouldn’t be. I never meant to hide anything from you guys.” He motions towards the sky. “Everyone out there knows I love to draw.”

Nina hugs him again, this time a friendly side hug, “You should do that here. You have a real talent.”

Brent looks at her, “Draw with what?”

Nina points at her clothing in the mirror, “Clothing. People's rooms. There’s loads of stuff to use.” She looks at him, “If you can see beauty in me, you can find it in anything.”

Brent shakes his head, “Don’t do that to yourself. I’m sure I’m not the only one who can see your beauty.”

She looks down, “I… that’s not what I meant…” She pauses, shuts her eyes, and takes a breath. “You’re right, but that’s not what I meant.” She looks at him. “You’re just so happy. It can’t just be me, as much as I’d love it if it was.” She looks towards the mirror, “If it was your eyes would have lit up long before now.”

Brent wants to protest, but he can’t really argue with that. It took him a while to open up to her. And then it took him longer to really accept her as a girl. Noticing how beautiful she is to him took more time. But this took almost no time at all. As soon as they’d started looking at the clothing and prints, he instantly felt at peace. But he has to make something clear to her, “You’re right. But I’m not going to let it go. I’m not just in some trance cause I’m happy. I… really do think you’re beautiful.”

“Can I kiss you?” She asks nervously.

“Can I kiss you?” He asks just as nervously in response.

She responds by putting her lips on his, and then frowns. “I can’t feel anything. It feels like kissing my mother.”

He holds her, “Yeah. Does that mean you don’t feel the same way I do?”

She tilts her head to the side, “I don’t know if it’s you. I’ve been told you can’t really love others until you love yourself.”

“I understand.” He says. Then he laughs, this time sardonically. “Normally when they say ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ that’s a blow. But I understand. I do. And even if you never feel like I do? I’ll always be your friend. You can count on that.”

Nina nods then turns back to the mirror, “I hate to say it, but a grass green vest would do exactly what you said wouldn’t it?”

Brent snickers a bit, “So, what are you going to say to Collin when you see him?”

Nina looks down sheepishly, “I don’t know! It’ll be embarrassing enough after the fuss I made.”

Brent laughs, “I see how it is! I’m too young for you.”

Nina smiles, “He is just. I know it’s a teenage crush. I know he’d never take advantage of me like that.”

“But you want him to.” Brent’s response isn’t a question.

Nina laughs, “God yes!”

Brent grins, “At least I’m losing to someone I never had a chance against in the first place.”

Nina rolls her eyes, “I’m not a prize!”

Brent grins at her, “Says you! You’re the best prize in the whole wide world.”

Nina swats his shoulder, but she can’t deny how good that makes her feel. “This is what Shirley would have wanted.”

Brent nods, “Yeah. She’d say something like ‘But you can’t be unhappy I died! Cause then I’d be making you unhappy and I’d never make you unhappy!’”

Nina laughs, “She would say that.”

Nina equips a dark teal shirt below the vest, “She’d love this outfit.”

Brent nods, “She would. She loved everyone for who they were. She could see in both of us what we couldn’t see in ourselves.”

“She could.” She turns to Brent, “You’re not a bad person Brent. I know it’ll take time for you to see that. If anyone knows that I do, but I’ll be there for you. You have a beautiful soul.” She grins at him, “I just wish you could see you the way I do.” His sheepish smile is all the response she needs.

Meanwhile

Jacklyn and Jerome sit in the oasis. After the boss fight, no one else is here, but both of them were in the mood for some warmth, so they decided to come.

“I hope whoever locked us in here is getting a laugh at our expense.” Jacklyn deadpans.

Jerome thins his eyes at her, “Why would you say that?”

She thins her eyes back at him, though her malice isn’t directed his way. “Because someone fucking better be getting some enjoyment out of this! We certainly aren’t.”

Jerome nods, “It wasn’t even a fun fight!”

Jacklyn shakes her head, “Right? I’m glad I was there. I’m growing fond of Luke now that I know him, but I had nothing to do for most of it but stand around and watch people block shit.”

Jerome snickers a little, “How does that guy grow on you?”

Jacklyn shrugs, “I have no idea. But he had to have some good qualities right? Asa loves the guy, and he’s great.”

Jerome nods, “That’s true. But I really am asking, cause I don’t get it either. I kind of hated him originally. So stuck up and elitist. But now… he’s alright.”

Jacklyn snickers, “It helps that he’s stepping up. That he’s using his skill to help others get better rather than being a pretentious asshole.”

Jerome thinks about how Luke treated Sean, “He’s still an asshole.”

Jacklyn guffaws, “Right? Totally an asshole.” She shakes her head, “And I’d call him honest and blunt? But he talks out of his ass all the time! Now that I know him? I wonder if he’s made an actual threat he meant to keep in his entire life.”

Jerome laughs, “I was just thinking about that too. How he was all ‘you have failed this game!’ to that guy. And Brandon just calls his bluff, calmly walks over to him and moves his sword and Luke doesn’t do a thing about it.”

Jacklyn shakes her head, “Man. Brandon. He’s become a pillar of the community and he doesn’t even know it.”

“I think he knows it more than he lets on.” Jerome responds.

She nods, “Probably. The A team has really stepped up in general. And unlike Collin, they weren’t doing it for the spot light.”

Jerome looks down, “Poor Collin. He has to be feeling terrible right now.”

“He saved us.” Jacklyn says, unsure what Jerome means.

“Yeah. But he saved us using the plan we should have been using all along, and I’m sure he knows it.” Jerome says.

Jacklyn thinks for a moment, “Huh. You know, you’re probably right?”

“You’ve stepped up too. No one has been grinding for Ben and Theo more than you. No one.” Jerome says.

Jacklyn grins, “Stop acting like I’m being super altruistic. I’ve always loved grinding. One of my favorite things about this game is the spiritual energy system allows you to give other people what would functionally be experience locked to you in other games.” She smiles, “I was always happy to help grind people!”

Jerome tilts his head to the side, “But it’s more than that. You’ve also been making sure people get guilds. And generally pointing people in the right direction when they need help. Not to mention how you’ve been on Ben and Theo’s side.”

Jacklyn sighs, “I wonder what Ben and Theo think of all this. What all the non-combatants think?”

Jerome looks down, “To be honest? They probably aren’t as shocked as we were. Without the ability to fight? The world must seem like a dangerous place.”

Jacklyn thinks for a moment, “I wish you weren’t right, but yeah. That doesn’t mean they aren’t sad. And Theo. Theo would try to be strong for Ben. He’d keep his trauma all balled up.”

Jerome sighs, “Yeah. And that’s not healthy.”

Jacklyn looks at him, “Speaking of keeping things balled up. We’ve been talking a lot about other people, but what about you? How are you handling this?”

Jerome shakes his head, “I don’t know. Honestly. I was with Sean. I was never under any illusions that we’d all make it out. Not that I don’t agree with what Luke said. I wasn’t resigned to letting people die. I was more… hardened to the fact that some deaths were inevitable, even if we won.”

“But that means its hard to know how you actually feel about it?” Jacklyn asks.

Jerome nods, “Yeah. I might be in shock. I’m not the most social guy, but I was on friendly terms with some of the people who died. And then there’s Tyrone. Everyone who was a part of that night shares a bond.”

Jacklyn kicks a rock, “Yeah. That’s probably a big part of why Luke grew on us. It’s hard to stay angry at someone when you’ve seen them that vulnerable.”

Jerome nods, “He was trying to be so strong for everyone else. I think that’s the biggest change. He’s beginning to realize that he has to care about himself too.”

Jacklyn smiles, “I agree.”

Jerome turns to her, “But enough about Luke. What about you?”

Jacklyn shakes her head, “I feel a bit guilty actually. Cause I… don’t think I care as much as I should. Every time I try to think about how they lost their lives it occurs to me that we don’t know what happens to people who die. They could just wake up in the real world!” She shakes her head, “Even though I don’t really believe that. Some part of me can’t shake the hope. That maybe we’ll be let out. That maybe this isn’t the horror story it seems to be.”

She growls, “Then I realize I’m being naive. That if that were true they’d have let us out a long time ago. Or at least fucking told us that we weren’t dead! And I’m angry.” She looks down, “But I don’t feel that bad about the dead. I feel guilty about not feeling anything.” She sighs, “Isn’t that fucked up?”

Jerome isn’t sure what to say, “I don’t know. I don’t think we get to control our feelings.”

Jacklyn looks up, “Am I a sociopath?”

“You can’t be serious. You care too much about other people for that to be true.” Jerome responds.

“But, shouldn’t I care about the dead?” Jacklyn asks.

Jerome thinks for a moment, “Maybe you are just more accepting of death than other people? You save your emotions for the living, and let the dead remain at peace.”

Jacklyn ponders this, “I guess I was exposed to death at a young age.”

“What do you mean?” Jerome asks.

Jacklyn shrugs, “Just, a lot of people I knew died when I was very young. So death has never been that strange to me.” Her tone more than her words convey her meaning. To her, death isn’t insignificant, merely mundane.

“In some ways that’s enviable. You can mourn without the sensationalism of death getting in the way.” He says.

She smiles, “I never thought about it that way.” She then sombers a bit, “Do you think people will come?”

Jerome looks down, “I don’t know. It’s all a bit morbid, so I’d understand people not wanting to be reminded of it all. But I’ll be there.”

Jacklyn nods, “Me too.”

Meanwhile

“Where’s Jerome?” Armon asks Stephan as they sit with Mitchell in the park.

Stephan shrugs, “I think he’s with Jacklyn. I think he needed to be alone.”

“He’s a fine young man. It’s too bad the world hasn’t treated him well.” Mitchell says.

Armon nods, “Yeah.” He sighs, “I feel numb. Is it normal to feel like this?”

Mitchell thinks for a moment, “Do you really feel numb? Or is it just that this isn’t as significant to you as you’d hope?”

Armon looks at him, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, you understand the gravity of the loss, but you didn’t really know any of them personally did you?” Mitchell responds.

Armon looks down, “Not really. But should that matter?”

Mitchell smiles at him, “It probably shouldn’t, but it does. Don’t feel bad for not feeling bad. People die every day. We can’t possibly mourn for them all.”

“So who should we mourn for then?” Stephan asks.

Mitchell smiles at them, “Whoever you feel the need to. Mourning is something you do to resolve your feelings. If you miss someone, you should mourn for them. If you don’t, then you should respect their passing, and respect those who do feel the need to mourn.”

Stephan looks down, “How long does it take to mourn?”

Mitchell shakes his head, “For some, mourning can be as short as a moment of silence. For others, it’s an ongoing process that never ends.”

Stephan looks at him, “How can we mourn when we can’t cry?”

Mitchell shows a rare frown, “I wish I had all the answers. That’s something you’ll have to figure out for yourself.”

“I still feel empty.” Armon says.

Stephan puts a hand on Armon’s shoulder, “It’s okay. I sometimes feel empty too.” He thinks for a moment. “Should we go to the memorial?”

Mitchell smiles at them, “I’m going. I don’t know if either of you will get anything out of it, but I think you’d both regret it if you don’t go.”

Armon nods, “I think you’re right.”

“I need to go. My brother’s name is on that list.” Stephan says.

Armon smiles, “Supporting you is reason enough for me.”

Mitchell grins at them, “We should go together.”

“You don’t have to do that.” Stephan says, a tad sheepishly.

Mitchell laughs, “Does having an old man around cramp your style?”

Stephan rolls his eyes, “Old man? You’re what? Four going on five?”

Mitchell’s laugh becomes a guffaw, “I wish! Trust me. Eventually, being five again is all you’ll wish for.”

Stephan shakes his head and laughs, “Then fine. Let’s go together.”

Armon nods, “You know Stephan. You did great. You were front and center for the entire fight and you were awesome. I’m sure your brother would be proud.”

Mitchell grins, “I agree! You were phenomenal.”

Stephan looks down, “I wasn’t that great.”

“Ardine was looking to you Stephan. Ardine. She’s one of the best players, both at combat and strategy, and she was looking to you.” Armon responds.

Stephan shakes his head, “It was only because of the shield I got. Anyone else with it could have done the same thing.”

“So what?” Mitchell says, “It wasn’t anyone else who did it. It was you. Own that.”

Stephan smiles wistfully, “I think my brother would have told me to do that too.” He shakes his head, “Actually. He’d have taken the shield himself, made a defensive build, and told me to be the DPS from behind him using my lance.”

Armon puts a hand on his shoulder, “Is that what you’d want?”

“I don’t know. I was the younger brother, so he always took care of me. But I guess... Sometimes I wished it was me taking care of him.” Stephan answers.

Armon nods, “You are definitely taking care of us. Jerome even trusts you to take care of him.”

Stephan takes the shield out of his inventory and looks at it, “It is a nice shield.”

Mitchell smiles, “Is that your signature item now?”

Stephan thinks for a moment, “I guess it is.”

“Then name it!” Mitchell says.

Stephan’s eyes widen, “That feature does exist doesn’t it?”

Mitchell nods, “It does. It costs a lot of soul energy to customize a good item like that, but I think this is worth it.”

Stephan looks at the shield, “Craig.”

“Is that your brother’s name?” Armon asks.

Stephan nods, “Yeah.”

Mitchell nods at him, “It’s perfect.”

Meanwhile

Zuri stabs a Goblin and watches it disintegrate, “Why is it that I don’t feel like they’re gone?”

Kaja raises an eyebrow at her, “What do you mean?”

She turns and starts walking towards a safe zone, “I mean that when my IRL friend died I was a mess for weeks before I finally got over it. But now, I don’t really feel anything. Like, it’s not real.”

Kaja nods, “Maybe because this isn’t real?”

Zuri stops, “You really think that?”

Kaja shakes her head, “I mean, it is, but it isn’t. It’s so absurd that it’s hard to take seriously. It’s like, how do I take death seriously when there’s no body. When I can’t take life seriously!”

Zuri thinks for a moment, “Having fun… Maybe that’s our way of not accepting what’s happened.” She turns to Kaja, “Life outside wasn’t always fun.”

Kaja nods, “I’m not really having fun anymore. It’s just the same thing over and over again.”

Zuri looks around, “I see other people smiling.” She shakes her head, “Now we’re like that kid and Jerome.”

Kaja’s eyes widens, “Oh my God! We need to find a way to get out of this funk!”

Zuri shakes her head, “Or maybe we need to revel in the funk! Let ourselves be negative for once.”

Kaja shakes her head, “Says you! I never let myself be negative. Not even IRL!”

Zuri shrugs, “Then how do you handle loss?”

“Loss doesn’t exist if you don’t let it!” Kaja insists.

Zuri starts walking again, “Sounds to me like you just avoid losing things by avoiding caring about them.”

Kaja sighs, “You aren’t the first person to tell me that.”

Zuri nods, “I’d guessed.”

When they reach the safe zone, Zuri sits down on a bench, “I just want to accept what’s happened to us. I think I need to do that. To move on to… whatever I move on to.”

Kaja shrugs, “Move on to what though?”

Zuri thinks, “Other people have found stuff here. They’ve moved on. There must be something to move on to if other people have.”

“How do you know they aren’t just delusional?” Kaja asks.

Zuri smirks at her, “Now whose being negative.”

Kaja shrugs defensively, “What? I’m just saying.”

Zuri laughs, “You’re being ridiculous! You’re saying to keep positive, and then saying that all the people who are positive are insane?”

Kaja shakes her head, slightly frustrated, “That’s not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?” Zuri asks.

Kaja ponders this for a moment, “That. I dunno. They might be happy. But that isn’t the same thing as moving forward?”

Zuri blinks at her, “Maybe not. But that’s not the same thing as there being nowhere to move forward too either.”

Kaja frowns, “I guess not.”

Before they can continue, Rika appears from the teleporter. She takes one look at them and says, “Huh. This is not what I expected to find at all.”

“Hey.” Zuri says while Kaja says, “What?”

“Just you guys being so down. What happened to keeping it positive?” She sounds legitimately curious.

“I think we’re realizing this is our lives now.” Zuri says.

Kaja scoffs, “More like the end of our lives.”

Rika rolls her eyes, “Is that all?”

Kaja thins her eyes at Rika, “It’s a big deal.”

Rika shakes her head, “So what?”

Zuri raises an eyebrow at her, “You don’t think it’s a big deal?”

“I think whether it’s a big deal or nor is irrelevant. It is what it is.” Rika responds.

Zuri stands up, “That’s what I was trying to say.”

Kaja sighs, “Not dealing with it isn’t an option is it?”

Rika shakes her head, “Nope. Even doing nothing would be dealing with it, badly, but still.”

Kaja stands up, “Ugh. How did I let myself get all mopey?”

Zuri smiles, “It’s okay. You can be mopey.”

Kaja grins, “Yeah. I can!”

Rika puts her hand in the air for an imaginary toast, “To mopeyness!”

Kaja and Zuri do the same, “To mopeyness!”

Meanwhile

Luke stares at Kwame as they stand on a mountain top safe zone overlooking the edge of the world ring. Now that the Temple raid is completed, the basic topography of outer ring, around half of which is water, is clearly visible.

Kwame had originally meant to go to the tropical beach area, but when he saw Jacklyn and Jerome there, he decided against it. He felt like being alone, and it looked like they didn’t want to be interrupted, so he’d left and come here.

Luke followed him and he’s now trying to figure out how to broach the subject on his mind. In some ways, he wishes he didn’t have to, but he knows he can’t just let it go.

Eventually, Luke just decides to ask the question, “So. Are you going to the memorial?”

Kwame turns to him, “Duh.” Luke can tell Kwame is trying to seem more nonchalant than he actually is, but that’s also nothing new. He’s been like that since Tyrone was killed in the boss fight.

“That’s good.” Luke ponders what to say next, “Are you going to say anything?”

Kwame thinks for a moment, “What is there to say?”

Luke looks down, “I don’t know. Maybe nothing? But if you do have something to say and don’t say it, you won’t get another chance.”

Kwame thinks for a moment, “I might have something to say. Depends on what others say.”

“Care to try it out on someone?” Luke asks.

Kwame turns and looks at him, “Nothing that special. Just gonna shoot down anyone whose like: ‘See! We can’t do the game! We need to stay alive.’ Fuck that. We didn’t do all that. They didn’t die, just so we could put our tails between our legs and fucking sulk!”

Luke puts a hand on Kwame’s shoulder, “I never intended to stop.”

Kwame looks down, “It’s disrespectful for anyone to stop.”

Luke sighs, “What about respecting them?”

Kwame looks up at him, “Are you joking?”

Luke shakes his head, “No. I’m saying that not everyone feels the same way.”

Kwame looks down at his hands, “But if I can’t get people to respect the dead...”

Luke sighs, “Kwame. There isn’t just one way to respect things. I used to think that I had all the answers. That I knew everything. Like my relationship with Asa. It took being in here and seeing him go off on his own for me to realize that he didn’t need me. And that I shouldn’t need him.”

“Yeah, so?” Kwame says.

Luke sits down with his legs dangling off the cliffside, “I’m going to tell you something I haven’t told you before. Something that might change things for you.”

Kwame looks at him, “What?”

“I knew Kwame. I knew the entire time, how Asa felt about me. I knew how he felt about me before I even understood it myself. Before I knew what it even was.” Luke says.

Kwame shrugs, “So? You were his best friend. You should have known.”

“Maybe. But that’s not why this is important.” Luke looks at Kwame, “What’s important is that I said nothing. I didn’t try to understand his feelings. I didn’t bring it up at all. Even when I knew something was up but didn’t understand exactly what, I didn’t, because I thought I needed to give him the chance to realize for himself. I thought telling him what to feel, even when I knew they were his feelings, was disrespectful.”

Kwame thinks for a moment, “And you think me telling people what to think is disrespectful in the same way?”

Luke shakes his head, “The opposite. In hindsight, I know what I knew was genuine. But I also know, in hindsight, that I was more worried about losing him than about him. I convinced myself I was protecting him. Respecting his right to do things at his own pace. And maybe that was true, but it wasn’t my true motivation. Just like respecting Tyrone isn’t your true motivation right now.”

Kwame thins his eyes at him, “So you think you can tell me what I think?”

Luke shakes his head, “I don’t. I just know what you don’t. And I think you do too.”

Kwame shakes his head, “So, master of me. What am I thinking?”

Luke shrugs, “Like I said, I honestly don’t know what your real motivations are. I wish I did, so I could give you better advice, but all I can tell is that what you’re saying isn’t real.”

Kwame thinks for a moment, “Why?”

Luke looks at him, “Because, if you were really this adamant about respect, you’d have mentioned it before now.” He sighs, “Kwame. One of my favorite things about you is how earnest you are. You always wear your feelings openly and unabashedly. Or at least, you did. And one thing I almost never saw from you, is indignation or anger.” He looks at him, “Am I wrong? Were you secretly super angry and just good at hiding it from me?”

Kwame sighs, “No. I wasn’t hiding.”

Luke nods, “Then you’ve gone from expressing every emotion but anger, to all anger all the time. Doesn’t that bother you?”

Kwame looks down, “I dunno.”

Luke grabs Kwame’s hand, “You have every right to be angry. The anger is too unfettered to be fake. But, what else are you feeling? Is it really just anger now?”

Kwame sighs, “What does this have to do with respect?”

Luke loos up into Kwame’s eyes, “Nothing. That’s the point. This isn’t about respect. I’ve been disrespectful in front of you, to you even, and you never seemed to notice or care.”

Kwame’s expression becomes pensive. He can’t deny the truth of Luke’s words, “Do you think you could guess?”

Luke nods, “I wish I could tell you what it is about, but I can’t. And I don’t want guess because I don’t want to tell you what to think.”

Kwame thinks for a moment. “Fuck!” He yells, “How am I supposed to deal with this shit!”

Luke shakes his head and puts an arm around Kwame’s shoulder, “I don’t know. But I’m here to help you figure that out.”

Kwame looks up at him, “You’re gonna make a girl really happy some day, you know that?”

Luke sighs, “Sometimes I wonder about that.”

Some Time Later

Collin stares out at the huge group of people. Enough to almost fill up the garden entirely. There’s even lag in some of the automated animations, for example the grass has entirely stopped waving. Fortunately, none of the players seem to be affected.

He wonders if this is everyone left on the server. He does know it’s way more people than he was expecting to show up, but that puts a smile on his face. He’s glad to be wrong about that.

“This is a great turnout.” Ardine says.

Lloyd grins, “Why are you guys always so surprised? People trust you.”

Tracy shakes her head, “Yeah.”

“Should we start?” Brandon asks.

“There are a few people who aren’t here yet.” Wake says.

Collin nods, “We set a starting time for a reason. We should start when we said we’d start.”

Ardine looks around, “Does anyone know where Asa is?”

Wake nods, “He’s around. He just left because the number of people in the zone was starting to lag the fate wheel.”

Collin raises an eyebrow, “He’s serious about changing his build?”

Brandon nods, “You sound surprised.”

“More intrigued.” He shakes his head. “You’ll PM him when we’re ready?” Wake and Brandon nod in response.

Jerome and Jacklyn walk over to them. Jacklyn whistles, “Wow. This is a lot.” She smiles at the group, “Looks like this was the right thing to do.”

Jerome scans the room, “It feels good.” He smiles, “It actually feels good.”

Collin nods, “It does, but I think this is going to be a somber event.”

Jacklyn half smiles, “Maybe. We’ll see.”

Brandon looks out at the crowd, “A lot of people seem to be reminiscing. Or talking at least.”

“I hope they’re thinking of good times.” Wake says.

Tracy laughs, “Maybe they’re laughing at bad times?”

Lloyd shakes his head, “Must you be so negative?”

Tracy shrugs, “We are at a mass funeral.”

Jerome looks down, “Its so inadequate though. We don’t even have grave markers.” He opens his menu and looks at the forum post. “Is a stupid forum post really the only way we have to document people?”

Brandon sighs, “It’s worse than that. We have no way of documenting people who weren’t on any lists.”

“Cheer up guys.” Asa says as he walks over to them. “This is about honoring, not remembering.” He looks at the forum post, “We’ve never remembered every person who dies. There’s no way anyone can. But in honoring them all, we honor each of them.”

Luke blinks at him, “You should say that at the memorial.”

Asa thinks for a moment, “Hmm… doesn’t that fit with what you were going to say?”

Luke thinks for a moment, “I guess it does. But I still think you should be the one to say it.”

Asa nods, “Then let’s say what you have to say together.”

Luke smiles at him, “Okay.”

When the agreed upon time arrives, Collin steps forward. “I wish there was a way we could make this visible to everybody. Some way to immortalize it such that you don’t have to open it in your menu to see it. And perhaps there will be at some point, but for now, you can view it in the forums option in the communications sub menu.” He waits while a bunch of people mess with their menus.

Once people have stopped accessing their menus, he continues. “Though most of you probably know why we’re here, I’ll say it, both for the people who might not, and in reverence for those we have lost. This is a memorial. While it was instigated because of the people who were lost on the Temple raid, it was never solely for those people. We want to honor everyone whose been lost, whether we remember them or not. Before we continue, let us have a moment of silence.” He lowers his head and shuts his eyes. He smiles when the entire crowd follows suit.

After a short while he raises his head again. “Those of us who organized this have a few announcements, but this is a time for everyone. Anyone who wants to say something should, and we hope everyone will wait however long that takes and respect what others have to say.”

He motions to Brandon who steps forward and begins to speak, “When we made this, we wanted to give no one special treatment. The memorial itself is simply a list of every name we could think of who is no longer on the server. The list is in alphabetical order, because we wanted to ensure it was clear that no one on the list is more important than anyone else.

“While the post is locked to the administrator, who is currently me, that is only because we wanted to make sure the only way the post is changed is by adding more names. For that reason, comments are enabled, however only to post names we might have missed so that we can add them. While we encourage you to create posts and talk about the memorial there, we think it would be best if we keep the memorial itself free of personal bias. Any comments in the memorial itself will be deleted after the names are added to the list. We were hoping no one would have a problem with that.” When he looks around the room, there isn’t anyone who agrees, but no one dissents either and given the morbidity of the topic, he can understand why people wouldn’t speak up if they don’t have a problem with it.

He then motions to Ardine who steps forward. “We know the list of names is not exhaustive, and likely never will be. We also know that we could count the number of names and figure out how many we are missing, but we ultimately decided we didn’t want to do that. Part of the point of the memorial is to remind us of what we’ve lost. To keep us aware of those who are no longer with us. There is something about a number that makes something less impactful. Attaching a number to it makes it a statistic. If someone thinks this is something we should do, we may do it in the future. And if you want to do it yourself and talk about it in your own posts, that’s your prerogative.” She sighs, “I wish we didn’t have to talk about logistics, but that’s unavoidable.”

She then motions to Luke, who gulps but steps forward. Asa steps forward alongside him. “As Brandon and Collin said, this memorial is for everyone who was lost. I wanted to stress that this means everyone. Not just the people who we approved of.” He takes a deep breath, “That includes the PKers that we culled those first few nights. It’s easy to think of them as villains, and I think what we did was necessary, but we should never forget that they were victims just like the rest of us.”

He takes another deep breath, “Many of them were mean or unsporting in game, but I want to be clear that I think they were probably doing the right thing. They were taking out their darker impulses in a game rather than in the real world. And maybe they should have stopped once the stakes were real, but they did not ask to be trapped here any more than the rest of us did. and there are plenty of others of us who used the game to express the darker sides of ourselves.”

He motions to himself, “Some of us isolated ourselves from others, keeping to ourselves and putting our all into getting as skilled as we could. Others became obsessed with the meta, caring about power above all else, and often even looking down on those who didn’t value the same things. Others became envious of the people who were more powerful than them and spent their time complaining about the culture that sprung up around the prestige power grants.”

He looks around at everyone, “I say this not to point fingers, just to point out that I think, when this was a game, this was possibly healthy behavior. A way to be dark while minimizing your impact on the real world. Whether or not anyone has your compassion is up to you, but I do think we need to remember and honor them just the same.” Asa smiles up at Luke, happy that he was able to say what he felt needed to be said.

Kwame steps forward, “I know some of you are thinking we made a mistake. That all the deaths were for nothing. I think we need to keep going. There’s a whole new ring to the world now, waiting to be explored. They died so we could continue. One way to honor them is to continue, despite the risks.” He looks at Luke, “I was gonna say some fucked up shit about how those who want to give up are cowards, but thankfully I was talked out of it.” Luke shakes his head.

Collin steps forward, “You’ve heard from us. How we all have different opinions on what’s important right now. And we know you undoubtedly have different ideas as well. If anyone has anything else to say, please do. But remember, even after this ends, that doesn’t mean we don’t want you to mourn, or to say what you need to. The honor we feel for those who have been lost will remain, as will our support for each other.”

A number of people stand up, both to speak and to add names to the list, which Brandon does without question. Though the day had started somber, by the end a calm has fallen over the garden. People smile at each other and there’s a sense of camaraderie that hasn’t been on the server before.

As the proceeding ends, Collin makes on final announcement. “I just have one more thing to say before we end. I have been treating this like a game. And I have said this before, but this memorial has given me perspective. Even if this is a game, it is also our lives now. This place is our home. We are a society.” He smiles, “And I’m proud of that. It took some doing. We had to make some hard decisions. But I look around and I see all of you and I think that we’ve started something great. That we’ve started something to be proud of. I hope you all think about that and remember that as you honor those who are no longer with us.” Collin smiles when a slow clap starts and moves through the crowd in response to his words. Despite everything that’s happened, he’s feeling good. Gabriel wouldn’t have wanted him to feel badly. Neither would Gail, Shirley, Tyrone or any of the others on that list.

He’s finally telling the truth when he says it’s time for them to stop playing games and start living.