Kombat Kids - 33. I Can't Go On

A glare of lights, sounds like thunder, pain, pain, pa....................

Pain, pain everywhere, wind on his face. Pain, the sounds of sirens, someone crying, sudden understanding, he was the one who was crying. Darkness.

Blinding white light, terrible pain, darkness.

Pain, Darkness, sounds he couldn't decipher, darkness.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Pain, light, someone's talking, but he can't figure out who they're talking too, he try's to open his eyes, but is unable to, he try's to talk, but is unable too. In the background he hears the constant; beep, beep, beep, then nothing.

Beep, beep, beep. Damn he wished he could reach that damn alarm clock and turn it off, but he can't seem to move. His eyes fly open, at least his right one does;"What the fuck is going on?" he wonders. He's lying flat on his back and looking at a white ceiling, he tries to move his head but the pain calls a really quick halt to that idea. He tries to speak, but all that comes out is a croak and a moan. All of a sudden his brother’s face fills his vision then disappears immediately and he hears;"Nurse, NURSE, he's awake." His brother’s face reappears wearing a sickly smile: "Just relax Bro, just relax." His brother’s face disappears again and is replaced by the face of a young Oriental woman. Darkness.

There's that damn beeping again, why in the Hell doesn't someone turn that damn thing off. He opens his eye again, this time the lights where he's at are dim, all he hears is that damn beeping and what sounds like someone snoring softly. He can't move, his mouth feels like a coyote took a dump in it and he aches all over. He moans a little, he tries to swallow but he can't work up the spit. He tries to speak but all that comes out is a very soft whisper;"Hello, is someone here?" He can't seem to move his left arm, when he try's to move his right, he has very little control over it and he brushes against something and then he hears the crash of the something hitting the floor and bouncing around. His brothers face appears again, but this time it doesn't disappear, He hears a rapid clicking noise and then he hears his brother speak;"James, you’re Ok, everything's going to be OK, can you hear me James?"

James whispers;"Yeah Bro, wha......................... Darkness.

James swam his way through thick fluffy cotton, slowly coming awake, once again the lights were on and he could hear a lot of background noise that he hadn't heard during his previous short visits with consciousness. The pain is still there, but not as severe as he remembers from his other brief periods of consciousness. This time he is able to control his right arm easier and with better control, he moves his hand to his face and feels the gauze his head is bandaged in. Moving his hand across the top of his head and down the left side he feels the bandages that are covering the top of his head and left side of his face completely. James try's to move his head again but is unable to turn it more than a few inches to the right. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Keener sitting in a chair reading a magazine;"Hey Keener, how they hanging?" He whispers.

Keener starts, then jumps out of the chair and moves to the side of the bed picking up the call button and begins pressing it continuously;"James, oh man you’re awake, shit, Matt's gonna be pissed he wasn't here when you came too. How you feeling buddy, I mean, can I get you something, what, just tell me."

James tried to smile but that hurt too much, instead he said in his low whisper;"Please, water."

Instead of getting James a glass of water, Keener grabbed a pitcher off the bed table, opened it and got a few small chips of ice out. He gently placed them in James mouth; the ice seemed to evaporate almost instantly, the desiccated tissue of his mouth soaked up the liquid as fast as the ice could melt. Just after Keener had given James some more ice chips a nurse entered the room and asked Keener to move so she could get to her patient;"Good morning James, how are you feeling, does any part of you hurt worse than the others?"

James mouth and throat were still terribly dry so he was only able to whisper;"No, everything hurts, everywhere."

The nurse smiled and went about taking his blood pressure, temperature and his pulse. When she was finished, she made a few notations on his chart and put it back in its holder at the foot of his bed and asked;"Are you hungry, or do you think you can wait for lunch?"

James whispered;"No ma'am, but I'd like some more ice please."

She nodded and turned to Keener;"Keener, would you mind taking care of that for him, I have to find Doctor Bahari and tell him James is awake and alert?'

Keener nodded his head yes and resumed feeding James small amounts of ice. James didn't know how long Keener had been feeding him the ice when the door of his room opened and Doctor Bahari, Derrick Bettus and Matt filed in. Seeing Derrick, James knew his condition was bad; Derrick had worked with Phil Martin as his counselor after Phil and his boyfriend were raped the previous summer. Derrick didn't notice it when James started to get excited, but Doctor Bahari did, upon seeing Derrick; his blood pressure started going up and was displayed on the bedside monitor.

Doctor Bahari spoke quickly;"James, calm down please, you're alive and you will get better, however you were damaged very severely and we need to talk about it. Please tell me what you remember James?"

James started sweating as he tried to remember what happened;"I don't know Doc, all I can remember is bright lights, loud noises and pain, lots of pain."

The Doctor nodded and started talking, explaining what had happened;"You were driving home on the Wednesday, May seventeenth, a large semi was coming toward you when the driver lost control of his truck and hit the driver's side of your vehicle. If it wasn't for the fact that you were driving one of the Unit's HUMVEE's, both you and young Mitch Babcock would have been killed.

James tried to sit up but was unable to;"Mitch was with me? Is he OK, where is he...?"

The doctor places a restraining hand on James' right shoulder and spoke firmly;"James, you must calm down, Mitch is fine, the only damage he sustained was to his prosthesis, he is perfectly well with the exception of him being worried about you."

James shuddered and started breathing rapidly, he was so worked up at the thought of Mitch being in another automobile accident that he failed to notice the nurse injecting something into one of the IV lines he had in his arm. James quickly drifted back to sleep.

God he was getting tired waking up to that damn beeping sound, he wished it would stop. James opened his eye and was able to move his head to the right a little more than the last time he awoke. When he was able to focus, he saw Matt, Mitch and his dad George Babcock sitting in chairs along the wall of his room. James felt an immediate sense of relief seeing Mitch;"Oh Mitch, I'm so sorry you had to go through another accident."

Hearing his name, Mitch clumsily got to his foot, his prosthesis was missing and he was using crutches to move around. "James, James, you’re awake, thank God I was so worried, you scared the living shit out of me. Oh James please say your OK, please."

James started;"Me, I was afraid you had been hurt and they weren't telling me the truth. What happened to your leg Mitch, and are you really OK?"

Mitch crutched his way over to the bed and grasped James right hand and nodded his head yes, unable to speak for several seconds. Mitch wiped the tears from his eyes before saying;"I'm fine James, really. My leg got kind of bent and twisted in the accident and doesn't much work right now. No problem, Doctor Allyn is working on a replacement for me, it's going to have computer controls, actuators, all kind of neat things and he said it would be waterproof. He said I was going to be the new improved model of the 'Six Million Dollar Man,' whoever he is."

James laughed for the first time since waking up; Mitch's exuberance infected him with the boys' happiness.

Matt and George were standing behind Mitch and smiled when they heard James quiet laughter.

James heard the door open and saw Doctor Bahari and Derrick Bettus enter the room and he stopped laughing.

The Doctor moved to the side of the bed and looked James in the eyes;"Are you ready to continue James, I think it's important that we get this out of the way now?"

James took a deep breath and nodded his head;"OK Doc, how bad am I hurt?" Then he steeled himself for the answer.

Doctor Bahari reached out and grasped his right hand before he started to talk;"Very badly James, we tried our utmost, but we were unable to save your left arm and left leg. There was such severe damage done to them that they had to be removed in order to save your life. There for a while, we weren't sure we were going to be able to do that, but your good physical condition proved to be enough to keep you going. Your heart stopped twice while they were flying you to the hospital; three more times during the operations you underwent and once more while you were in the recovery room. You suffered trauma to several of you internal organs but nothing near as bad as that which was done to your arm and leg. You suffered a fractured skull and we aren't sure how well the sight in your left eye will be, you will have a long period of recovery and much pain before this is all over. You should recover to the point where you will be able to lead a full life, with certain exceptions. It's going to be up to you to do decide the level of your recovery."

The doctor talked to him for a little while longer and left, Derrick Bettus sat with him for over two hours talking about things in general and his injuries in particular. When everyone left but Matt he lay there and started to cry, he tried to stop but was unable to. Matt came over and took his hand, then kissed him gently on the lips before saying;"It's going to be OK James, I'm here for you man, I'll always be here for you Bro."

James nodded, sniffed and asked;"Will you call the nurse, the pain seems to be getting worse."

Matt picked up the call button and started mashing it rapidly until Bobby Winston hurried into the room, before she could say anything Matt said;"James is in pain, can you give him something, please?"

Bobby just nodded and injected something in one of the IV's, and shortly James was sleeping again.

When James came too, he still hurt physically, but what really hurt was the knowledge, at least in his own mind, that he was less than a whole man. Looking over to the right he saw Keener sitting in the chair watching him, when he saw that James was awake, he got up and came to the side of the bed;"Hi guy, feeling any better?"

James tried to smile but all he was able to do was sob, Keener took his hand and gently rubbed his shoulder all the time speaking softly to him encouraging him, telling him how much everyone loved him. After a little while James stopped crying;"Keener, you got to do me a favor, I really need your help."

Keener looked at James and nodded his head yes;"Sure James, anything you want."

James hesitated for a moment and then said;"I need you to get me my Baby Eagle out of the drawer in my bedside table at home."

Keener looked confused for a second, then he turned pale, then he turned bright red;"FUCK YOU James, just FUCK YOU, how could you dare to ask me something like that." Keener started to cry, turned and headed for the door screaming;"FUCK YOU JAMES YOU GO STRAIGHT TO FUCKING HELL YOU ROTTEN BASTARD!!!" Keener ran from the room and slammed the door.

About 30 seconds later Bobby Winston entered the room and went immediately to his side; looking down at James she asked;"What did you say to Keener to get him spun up like that, he scared the hell out of me when he came out of your room yelling and crying, what'd you do James."

James looked at Bobby for a second or two, closed his eye and lay there sobbing softly. Nothing that Bobby could say would make him stop crying or talk to her. He didn't see, or care when Bobby injected something into his IV and he drifted off to a dreamless sleep.

When next he awoke, he found a most monumentally and sincerely pissed off brother waiting for him to come too. James knew the look on his younger brother's face and knew that he was in for an ass-ripping, Matt style.

Matt surprised him, he still looked mad, but all he did was lean over and kiss James on the forehead before saying;"Don't leave me James, please. I don' think I could survive if you did. For the longest time since mom and dad died, you're the only thing that kept me going, I mean if it weren't for you I'd be dead by now or some derelict living on the streets of Seattle. Please, James promise me."

James couldn't look his brother in the eye, he closed his eye and sobbed softly, not answering Matt when he kept asking him, no, begging him to not leave him. Once again, Bobby heard the commotion and came running in to the room, seeing James crying and Matt ranting she first pushed Matt away from the bed and once again injected something into his IV, James didn't even know when he went under.

James came awake more quickly than he had previously, right away he noticed something different, he could see out of both eyes even though the left eye was a little blurry. He still hurt, but not near as much as he had in the past and he felt hungry for the first time since he had been in the hospital. Once again he noticed someone sitting in the chair by the wall, then he recognized George Townsend. "Uh oh, they brought in the big guns." he thought.

When George saw he was awake, he got up and moved to the bed and just stood there looking down at James with a sad expression on his face. James tried to ignore him, but was unable to, looking up he asked;"What do you want from me George, I'm sorry, I just can't take this."

George nodded his head and thought for a minute before saying; “First off, I don’t want to hear any of this shit about you being with Fred. You know what his death did to you and your parents; you want them to suffer that again? Plus think what it would do to your friends in the Unit …… and to Matt and me, I don’t know if we could handle it and keep the Unit together.”

James closed his eyes and tried to hold back the tears, but wasn't completely successful.

George smiled at James, a smile that was completely lacking in humor or happiness;"Isn't that what you told my son last year or something really close to that?"

James looked at George and nodded slightly before saying;"That's not fair George, you know it was a different situation. He was just scared, hurting and confused, when I told him that he had every reason in the world to go on living, he just didn't realize it. I got nothing, what am I supposed to do, what can I do, I got one arm and one leg, I'm a cripple."

George didn't say anything, he turned around and opened the door and gestured to someone to come in the room. Seconds later, Mitch Babcock walked into the room, James had to look at him twice, Mitch had no noticeable limp and walked with the easy stride of someone who had two good legs. George turned pack to James;"Go ahead James tell Mitch he's a cripple, go ahead I dare you."

James couldn't believe what he was seeing, Mitch seemed to be completely normal, with nothing to show he was missing a leg. James wouldn't admit it made a difference; he couldn't admit it made a difference.

Mitch stood there looking at James waiting for him to say something, anything. When James didn't answer George, Mitch broke the silence;"I'm waiting James, every since I've known you, you've never treated me like a cripple, never even suggested that I was less of a person because I didn't have both legs. You going to start now, huh, are you? Because if you are, you're not the man I know and respect, you're just another asshole who hasn't got the guts to try." Mitch started sobbing, turned and ran out of the room, he actually RAN from the room.

George looked at James again, thought for a moment and left the room. Five minutes later the door opened and people started drifting in, no wait, not just people, but the members of the Unit. Phil Martin followed by his boyfriend Davey, then Jap, his foster son Justin, JJ Townsend, Ted Stanton, Jordan Littlelk, Connor Beck, Mark White, Shane Babcock and finally George Babcock. The first to speak was George Babcock;"Mitch woulda been here, but he's out in the hall with Justin Stanton, crying his heart out. You really hurt him James, I haven't seen him in this much pain since his Mother deserted us, thanks a fucking bunch."

JJ spoke next;"James, you kept me from doing something really dumb last year, if you leave us, well I guess there's no reason for me to stick around either."

George Townsend almost screamed;"Joshua how can you say something like that, don't even think like that Goddamnit, hasn't our family been through enough?"

JJ looked at his father, and said quietly;"I love you and mom, but I lost my best friend and now my hero, and I really mean that, the man who showed me that I was wanted and needed, was only lying to me. If he doesn't give a shit enough to go on living, why should I?"

James couldn't take it anymore and screamed out his pain, his fear and his self doubts and loathing;"What do you fucking people want from me, WHAT? Can't you see I'm done, I have nothing left to give that anyone needs, I'm useless, all I'd be is an anchor around everyone's neck. Can't you people understand, I don't want to be coddled, I don't want to have to depend upon someone to help me to the bathroom or feed me or tie my fucking shoes, can't you see I'm useless?”

Phil Martin had listened to everything James had said and had enough;"FUCK YOU JAMES!!! You filthy fucking asshole, my parents, Davey, Matt and You, especially You helped me keep going after the rape. You never let up; you never gave me any slack. You made me follow the Doctor’s orders and Never, Never gave up on me. Now because you're hurt, you lay there whining about how useless you are and how you don't want this and you don't want that. Well FUCK YOU JAMES!!! You're going to have to put up with it, you're going to have to do what's necessary or so help me God I'll curse your name for the rest of my life. You and Matt ARE the Unit; You are our friends, our mentors, our leaders. If you leave us, we may as well give up too, because there won't be a Unit anymore."

Phil turned and left the room without saying another word. JJ moved alongside the bed, bent over and kissed James on the forehead and said;"I love you, please don't leave us."

Each one of the remaining boys did the same and left the room. George Babcock moved up to the side of the bed and looked James in the eyes;"You saved my career, you saved my family, you may have even saved my life. If you take your own life I.... Will.... Never.... Forgive.... You." George bent over and kissed James on the forehead and followed the boys out.

George Townsend was the only other person in the room besides James, he stood there and studied James for a while, then he reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out a small semi-automating pistol. After looking at James for a few more seconds, he chambered a round and made sure the safety was off then set it on the bed within easy reach of James' right hand and said;"It's up to you James, it's your choice, but if you do it, you aren't the man I thought I knew."

Saying that, George Townsend turned and left the room.