Dance over the Thunderclouds - 3. Chapter 3 "Normal" Life

It took Monika Moller four weeks to do all the diagnostic tests on Dominic, but in this long span of time she also initiated the first therapeutical treatments. But the day arrived, that Dominic was released from hospital for a second time, not having been home at all between this and the previous release. However, this second one was destined to be only temporary until a place could be found in a specialized clinic for long term, intensive stationary treatment, which was deemed necessary. But before she set Dominic free into the large, ugly world she had a long talk with Tobi, since she considered it an imperative, that Dominic would not be left on his own during this transitional period.

“I already suggested that he could come to my place”, Tobi protested, “But he flatly refused”.

“Why?” Monika wanted to know.

“He didn’t trust me”, was the honest and still sad reply.

She nodded and only reacted with:

“Oh yeah…typical: deep suspicion and distrust towards everybody. But let’s face it: with his history one can hardly blame him. Are you still prepared to take him with you to your place?”

“Yeah”, Tobi cried out emphatically, “I can’t see any reason why not!”

“Because, Tobi…”, Monika answered with a sigh, “I don’t want to beat around the bush. Dominic is seriously ill. I just want you to know that before you decide. He is going to cost you a lot of energy and effort”.

“What has he got?” Tobi wanted to know.

Monika smirked and answered:

“I can’t tell you because legally I’m not allowed to do so. I can only inform direct family, but funny enough they don’t seem to care about him. And to the only one who cares, I can’t tell a thing, since you’re…only…his boyfriend, having no real familiar ties. It’s called doctor-patient confidentiality. But in this case it is simply…weird!”

“So…”, Tobi said in a light despair, “You have to leave me completely in the dark?”

“Did I say that?” she reacted with a counterquestion, a sly smile around her lips.

Tobi looked at her with wonderment in his eye, not having a single idea in the world what she meant. With a broad grin she explained:

“I could give you some keywords…disguised as symptoms you have to watch and should put you on guard. And then, my dear Tobi, it is up to you to find the actual diagnosis on google”.

“What’s the difference?” Tobi inquired dumbfounded.

“The difference is”, she said with a triumphant smile, “that I stay within the law, because the law never mentioned google!”

“Shrewd”, Tobi muttered with a big smile of his own.

She pushed a pen and a writing pad over the desk and started to give the promised keywords. Tobi diligently jotted them down in the awareness, that his home work for this evening was made out: he would scrutinize google.

In the end Tobi was able to convince Dominic to come to his place in a three-person talk in Monika’s office, but it was actually the soft and gentle pressure exercised by Monika, that tipped the scale in favor of this plan.

At the appointed day, a rainy Friday in September, Tobi picked Dominic up at the Psychiatry ward and drove him to his place, Grumbles sitting silent as always on the back seat.

 

Eventually it made Dominic end up where it had been proposed in the first place, at Tobi’s apartment, that was situated in a huge apartment block of about fifteen stories with his place on one of the higher floors. At least it gave the two of them a splendid outlook over large parts of the city, if cloud cover permitted it.

Tobi did his utmost best to make Dominic feel at home and to put him at ease while being in these strange surroundings. He got unexpected help from Nora, his small, totally black cat, who seemed to have fallen in love with the guest right away and who took every chance to be next or on him to complete her required twenty-three hours of sleep a day, loudly purring while doing so. As far as Grumbles was concerned, Nora was quite apprehensive and rebuffing in the beginning, but when she decided that the large animal behaved pretty decent, she closed him in her heart as well. As if there are any teddy bears somewhere on the world, who don’t behave decent. But one can’t expect a cat to know that.

The first weekend together was plain fun. They had a really good time, taking a long stroll in the park, watching movies, listening to music, and cooking together, savoring the Bolognese afterwards with great gusto.

Dominic had never felt so welcome in his whole life like in this weekend. He felt really great and genuinely happy, even laughing with all of his heart, open and cheerful, when Nora jumped back on him after being put on the floor seconds before. Seeing and hearing this spontaneous laughter warmed Tobi’s heart and it gave him the hope, that it was possible to get the boy in more peaceful waters in the future.

Alas, Monday morning proved to be a rude awakening from the weekend idyll.

The morning started tranquil enough but as soon as breakfast was over and Tobi started to prepare to go for work, things got out of hand. When he took his coat and rucksack and walked to the apartment door, Dominic cried out in panic:

“No…don’t leave me! Don’t leave me alone!”

The boy jumped up from the breakfast table, grabbed a coffee cup and threw it after Tobi. Then he ran after the man, put himself squarely in his path, blocking the apartment door, and grabbed Tobi forcefully by his shirt, fixating him on the spot and making it impossible for the man to leave for work.

“You can’t leave me…”, he cried out hysterically, “I can’t miss you…! Don’t leave me here!”

“Sweetheart…relax!” Tobi tried to calm the boy down, who was out of his wits by now, “I’m only going to work. I’ll be back…really…I promise!”

“No, you won’t!”, came a screeched reply, “You’re like all the rest of them… you will just leave me here… all alone…you don’t like me anymore…because I’m bad!”

Tobi took the trembling boy in his arms and whispered comfortingly:

“Honey…relax…I still like you, I still love you. And you’re not bad! Get that out of your pretty little head. But I just have to go to work and when that is done late in the afternoon, I’m coming back. To take care of you, to make sure you have to eat and to make sure you’ll feel happy. And for the rest I’m going nowhere! You understand?”

“Guess…so”, was the hesitant answer.

The grip on his shirt relaxed somewhat, but Dominic still blocked the door, making leaving the apartment wishful thinking.

“Don’t you worry…”, Tobi continued, “I’ll be back. And if things get rough during the day, then grab your cell phone and give me a call”.

“Are you certain?” Dominic asked haltingly.

“About what, honey? About work? Yeah, I’m most certain about that!” Tobi tried to defuse the tense situation with a joke.

“No…”, Dominic muttered with a piercing tenaciousness, not giving in an inch, “About that I can call you. And that you will be back. Are you certain of that? Do you promise me you will be back?”

Tobi looked right in Dominic’s anxious eyes, kissed him on the stern and whispered:

“Yes…I’m certain I will be back. And I promise you I will! Because…I can never leave you…simply because I love you. Is that OK for you?”

There was a short silence in which Dominic’s eyes wandered around the room, expressing a kind of desperation. Then he uttered under his breath:

“Guess…so!”

“Then…” Tobi suggested gently, “Will you let me pass through? So that I can go to work?”

Reluctantly Dominic nodded and stepped aside, abandoning all resistance against Tobi’s departure for the day.

“Good boy!”, Tobi said and pressed another kiss on his forehead, continuing with:

“And…see you late in the afternoon, sweetheart!”

With Tobi gone, Dominic collapsed on the couch, wondering how he would get through the day all on his own. No, it was not an easy day but he managed to wrestle through it by listening to music, watching some movies, do some gaming on Tobi’s computer and by providing Nora with a severe overdose of cuddles. But once he heard the key in the apartment door, he heaved a deep sigh of relief, followed by a second one when he saw Tobi coming in.

He rushed towards the man, embraced and kissed him and mumbled:

“You kept your promise! You’re back again!”

“Hey, sweetheart”, Tobi smiled, “I had no intention whatsoever to do anything else. Now…let me see what I can fix for dinner!”

“May I help?” Dominic cried out, driven by a rush of newfound vigor and enthusiasm.

“Wow, it seems you like cooking, do you?” Tobi asked with a grin.

“I like cooking with you!”, Dominic answered sotto voce, only to follow with a more forcefully given statement:

“And at least I have some influence on what we will eat or not. I don’t like everything!”

“Let me see what we can make”, Tobi chuckled, “Depends on what I find in the fridge. By the way, that remembers me: I’m somewhat later at home tomorrow. I have to do shopping. If I don’t, we will all die of starvation…well, ...Grumbles will survive, I guess”.

The next days were better. Dominic got used to being alone during the day, helped by the fact, that Tobi gave him a time on which he could be expected. To avoid any unrest or fear in his guest, he made it a habit to call in every delay, even if it was a ten minutes traffic jam on his way home. Dominic’s resistance in the morning became less fierce, only to subside completely by the end of the week, being certain by now, that Tobi would indeed return.

The other working days of the week followed the same pattern of videos, music and gaming but on Friday afternoon Dominic found enough lust and libido to wank himself, his first form of sex in months.

“I can’t even remember when the last time was”, he thought somewhat grimly, after he had enjoyed the pleasure of cumming again, “Was that…that night with Martha?”

Vaguely he realized he had made a big error: only thinking her name brought her image back in his memory with a devastating vengeance and the memory threatened to take over control of his thinking irresistibly and without mercy.

He made a brave attempt to turn the tide by closing his eyes forcefully and shaking his head violently to rid himself of the very unpleasant thoughts of pain and anger.

“She is not worth it to think about! She’s just a witch! I hate her! I hate her!”

It seemed to work but Dominic was mighty glad when Tobi sauntered in, so that he could turn his mind on more pleasant things, like cooking dinner together.

But Martha’s memory was extremely stubborn, because her name popped up a second time that same evening. It was already late and they were enjoying a glass of wine, when Tobi said:

“Dominic, how about making some fun this weekend?”

“How?” Dominic asked, having no suspicion of what might come.

“Well”, Tobi replied with a grin, “You like dancing. So, how about if we go to the Dance Temple tomorrow evening, so you can dance again for the first time in months?”

“No!” Dominic cried out, his eyes immediately showing fear again and his relative relaxed tranquility changing into unrest and anxiety within a second.

“Why not?” Tobi asked, taken aback, “Don’t you like dancing any longer?”

“That’s not the point…”, Dominic tried to evade the question, “It’s just that…they don’t like me over there. I’m the guy who ruined their party by having a heart attack right there on the dance floor, only to end up in the weirdo ward. They will only laugh at me, making fun of me… ridicule me. Besides…”

“Besides what, Dominic?” Tobi asked, keeping his voice level and gentle, but putting enough pressure in his words to get the boy that far, that he spitted out what this was all about. While saying it and for seconds thereafter he kept his eyes fixated on Dominic’s face to increase his soft coercion.

Dominic tried to flee from the gaze by looking away, but Tobi didn’t give him the chance to do so when he repeated:

“Besides what, Dominic?”

“It just that…I’m afraid that…”

The fixed look kept resting on his increasingly desperate face and he realized he was trapped.

“Well…?” Tobi reinforced his demand for an answer.

“That…I’m…I’m…afraid, that I will see Martha!” came the jolting reply.

“Oh my God”, Tobi sighed, “Him again!”

Swiftly, Dominic’s mood switched to another emotion when he cried out with pure aggression:

“You said that before. And now you say it again. I asked what you meant with that and you didn’t answer it then. Now…I demand an answer!”

Tobi smiled weakly and spread his hands in an adjuring gesture, reacting with:

“OK, you’ll get you answer. I know I promised you to give it, once you were stronger. And I intend to keep that promise as well, so…I’ll give you the answer you demand”.

He took of sip of wine and while scratching the back of his head he looked up, as if he was thinking it over. Then he asked:

“What do you know about Martha? Apart from the fact, that he seems to be real good in bed, that is”.

“Who told you so?” Dominic screamed angry.

Tobi’s face showed a meaningful grin, when he answered:

“Let us say, that wallflowers develop extremely sharp hearing over time”.

“So yeah”, Dominic cried out irritated, “He smashed me! So what?”

“Nothing”, Tobi muttered, still that same grin on his face, “That is between the two of you. At least, it should have been! What do you actually know about Martha?”

It was manifest, that Dominic was ashamed. Again he evaded Tobi’s gaze, now by staring at the floor, but there was no answer forthcoming. But to his surprise Tobi kept silent as well. There was no insisting. Might that mean he was let off the hook?

No, it wasn’t to be. After a full three minutes of silence Tobi said without a trace of sarcasm:

“Judging from your very extensive answer on my question, I summarize that you know diddly-squat about Martha!”.

With a deep sigh Dominic nodded embarrassed.

“OK”, Tobi resumed talking, “Then I fill you in on the character and ways of this creature!”

There was a tiny break before Tobi fulfilled his promise:

“Martha is officially named Martin Wegemayr. He’s from Berlin and he claims to be a journalist. In my opinion he is not even a paparazzi, but just a filth writer and a journalistic pest. He works for some obscure Berlin on-line gay magazine, called Yazzy. You know what Yazzy is?”

“No”, Dominic answered unsure, “I never read it”.

With a grim smile Tobi reacted:

“Don’t worry, you didn’t miss a thing. But it is not what I meant. Yazzy is an app, that can be used to make fake conversations. So…the name is quite appropriate, since the whole magazine and its contents are fake as well”.

“Why that?” Dominic wanted to know.

“First of all because Martin is not only a journalist or contributor there, but also the owner, the managing director, the chief editor and he writes all articles himself under different names. All other authors are plain fake. As far as the contents of these articles is concerned…it’s all bullshit. Unless you want to designate an article, titled with “”10 things you need to know before you shave off your pubic hair” as breaking news”.

After a short break to take another sip of wine Tobi continued:

“Now, under the name ‘Martha the Fairy’ he writes a weekly column in which he evaluates all known persons and celebrities of the Berlin queer scene. He is not evaluating their achievements, the way they talk, move, express themselves, how they do their utmost best to be marked as something unique…no, he only evaluates them on one specific aspect, their bed possibilities, -qualities and -limitations into the most painful and embarrassing tiny details. And he does that in the form of a test report of the person concerned, wrapping it up with ratings for several categories, going from zero to five hearts. Funny enough all these people were broken to pieces in front of the whole scene. There seems to be no one in Berlin, who can stand up to Martha’s or Martin’s very exacting demands and score sufficient ratings over all the categories”.

“But when it is only fake…then nobody is hurt, is it?” Dominic asked.

“This test report, sweetheart, is the only thing in that whole damned magazine, that is not fake. He carefully selects his victims, that are real, living people, seduces them, creates himself a way to get into their beds for a long, sleazy one-night stand and then disappears without a trace, only to publish the column a few days later”.

“But…”, Dominic asked, after pondering over what was said, “Not everybody takes him in bed with them, do they?”

“No”, Tobi answered grimly, “There are people who flatly turn him down. No sweat…he just invents their bed capabilities on the spot, behind his desk. But I can assure you their test report will be devastating! Because Martin really hates to be turned down”.

Dominic shook his head and countered Tobi’s narrative with:

“All very well, but it has nothing to do with me!”

“Wrong, honey”, Tobi smiled with a certain regret in his tone, “In case you missed something: Bunny is pretty well known in the queer scene. He used his normal approach: he carefully selected you as his target, observed and studied you in the weeks before and then …he got what he wanted”.

“Can’t be”, Dominic opposed forcefully, “I met him purely accidental”.

“Yes…YOU met hem purely accidental, but he didn’t. I noticed him the weeks before, when he was observing and studying you”.

“No way”, Dominic argued, “I never saw him. And he is more than striking enough not to be noticed”.

“Dominic”, Tobi said softly, shaking his head, “He wasn’t there in his admittedly very stunning Martha outfit, but he was there as Martin Wegemayr, which happens to be a completely inconspicuous, diminutive person”.

“Are you…”, Dominic stuttered, “are you implying…he… set me up?”

“Yes!” Tobi answered without any reservation.

“And he wrote an article about me?” was the next, very logical question.

“Yes!” came the fast, affirmative answer.

“And…”, Dominic muttered with a slightly trembling voice, “Did he break me to crumbs as well?”

It took some time before Tobi answered, indicating that he had to think it over, but finally he said:

“It depends how one reads it. There were certain positive points mentioned, but also several negative. However, what angered, even sickened me the most was that thin juice of compassion with a supposed illness, that was put over the whole story. That is where the sting stings”.

“I don’t understand what you mean”, Dominic said, very confused by now.

“He gives himself the right to state, that you might suffer from some mental disorder. Then he goes on, that if this is the case, one should pity you and try to understand you, on the premise that you can’t blame a person for being ill. That is what made me really mad!”

“How does he know that?” Dominic cried out with expanding panic boiling up.

“He doesn’t”, Tobi said, “He is just guessing, coincidentally quite right by the way. But there is no way he could have known it”.

“Wait a minute…”, Dominic murmured as if something struck him as odd, “If you know so much about this article…does that mean you read it?”

“Yes”, came another confirmation.

“Why?”, Dominic asked puzzled, “You…read this kind of filth? Or did it arouse you to know about my bed capabilities?”

“No”, Tobi said with a grin, “I’m not interested in what he thinks about your bed capabilities. Frankly speaking, I rather explore them myself but only then when you are up to it. Which means: not now and not on short notice. But…when you told me you yelled at him, because he wanted to forbid you to smoke in your own apartment, I got worried. Because Martin looks very unkind upon those who have the courage to stand up to him or object to something he wishes or outright orders. And I was right, at least in my interpretation of his little piece of prose”.

“Does that mean…” Dominic asked, finally coming to the right conclusion, “that you have this article?”

“Yes”, came the short factual reply, “It is on my computer!”

“Can I read it?”

Tobi smirked briefly, but he seemed to give in when he said:

“If you’re up to it. I can read it out loud for you, but then you might think I invent it on the spot. I think the best thing to do is to read it yourself!”

“OK!” was the clear answer, only to be understood in one meaning.

“One moment”, Tobi said with a sigh.

He rose, walked slowly to the desk as if he wanted to buy time, sat down behind it and switched on his computer. After about a minute he announced:

“Here it is. Go ahead!”

He rose again to vacate the seat for Dominic, who took it and started reading:

 

Martha told it!!

A weekly quest for the Queens, Kings and Celebrities of our city’s queer scene

By Martha the Fairy

 

This week: Bonnie*

 

Imagine a dance club on a Saturday night, packed full with beautiful young people. You stare over the masses of bobbing heads and moving bodies and your eye is almost drawn automatically towards the most impressing and blinding highlight: Bonnie*!

This boy, about twenty springs of age, looks gorgeous: slim, cute, and beautiful face with sparkling dark eyes and with well-styled dark blond hair, superbly dressed, possessing a striking feminine appearance and a real seducer, almost a guarantee to cause a meltdown in any gay guy. I was aware he had a certain reputation in Berlin and I decided to try to find out if maybe only his reputation is legendary, but he himself is not. So, here you’ll read the findings of my little field research.

First, as usual, his naked physical features.

Oh yes, undressed he is even more irresistible than he already was with his clothes on. His whole body is characterized by a really alluring frailty, that increases his feminine demeanor in a way that makes a man mad with desire, but of course this girly-like looks are perturbed by his lust bringer, that is in the smaller range of medium but nevertheless a veritable delicacy between the lips or on your tongue. His tight and smooth bottom, that recalls images of a fresh and fruity peach, forms a precursor for a steamy night to come. When he moves, he moves in a way that betrays the fact he is a superb dancer, gracious, smooth and bewitching, bound to break down your remaining hesitance in a matter of seconds.

His method of warming-up is exactly that…turning every man into a red-hot furnace. The way he administers a blowjob can only be described as a heavenly torment of the highest order but deep throating, for example, is a no-go with him. Oh yes, he accepts the challenge, but once things get rough, he becomes afraid that he suffocates and then panics to an intolerable extent, making any further attempt to deep throat a hopeless proposition.

His other technical capabilities in bed are somewhat limited. His grasp of positions is above average but is confined to the normal, not very exacting positions. The more sophisticated ones from the Gayma Sutra are far outside his scope of possibilities and his performance in these high-end positions is mediocre at the best or even less, either as top or bottom.

A standard, normal gay guy, who is not expecting too much finesse, will have a very thrilling and fully satisfying night with him. But for the connoisseur, who expects that extra touch during his love games, Bonnie*’s capabilities are woefully inadequate.

That said, there are some other peculiar things about the boy, things that hinder the development of any ongoing affairs with him.

His scope of conversation is restricted to dancing, erotics and sex. Any other topic seems to be out of bounds. I was unable to determine if this was caused by intellectual shallowness or by an extreme kind of being clammed up like an oyster, saying nothing at all and only staring in front of him while his interlocutor talks on. And if things go in a way he doesn’t like, he can get volatile, which can turn into a very unpleasant way of “communicating”, as I experienced myself. OK, his aggression kept within the limits of verbal attacks, but I can’t rule out that it might go into physical violence as well, if the situation warrants this in his way of thinking. Maybe it should be debited to a kind of emotional or mental disorder, but being a journalist and not qualified as a psychiatrist, I write this with all possible caution I can exercise. But if this is the case and the boy suffers from such a disorder, one can only feel pity for him and sympathize with him, since nobody asks for a disease.

On the other hand, if this is the end of every intimate being together with him, the initial satisfaction can soon turn into confusion and horror, not exactly the dreamed-of end of an amorous encounter.

Bonnie*’s Ratings

Seduction Factor

💗     💗     💗     💗     💗

Bedtime Physical Features

💗     💗     💗     💗     💗

Bed Performance

💗    💗   💗    🤍    🤍

Personality

💗     🤍     🤍     🤍     🤍

Dominic stared at the letters on the screen, hardly able to comprehend what he just read. In despair he cried out:

“The fucking bastard! The fucking mean witch! He didn’t only break me to pieces…he has grinded me to mere dust! I hate him! I hate him!”

Tobi laid his arms around the boy’s shoulder, that started to shock lightly from the upcoming tears and whispered:

“Take it easy, honey! Don’t take it too hard. And above all, don’t blame yourself! You couldn’t have known who was behind Martha, like all these other people didn’t know it. You have all been had!”

“Now I can never go to the Dance Temple again”, Dominic sobbed, “Everybody will have read this”.

“Hush, sweetheart”, Tobi comforted him, “It just needs some time to blow over. In a few weeks nobody will remember this damned article. But yes…maybe it is a good idea to stay away from the Dance Temple during this time”.

“Why does he do this?” Dominic asked with choking voice.

“To you or in general?” Tobi tried to specify the question.

“To me!”

“Because he is hopping mad at you. You had the courage to stand up to him, to shout at him. He is certainly not used to being shouted at, he is not even used to being criticized, no matter in which way. So…he is simply mad and wants to take his revenge”.

“And in general?” Dominic wanted to know, really not understanding that someone had the objective of hurting and ruining so many people.

Tobi shrugged and replied:

“First of all: because he lives from it. The juicier a test report is, the more readers it attracts. And if it attracts more readers, it will most certainly make the flow of advertising revenues on his bank account a lot smoother. But secondly: Martin Wegemayr is simply a narcist”.

“A what?” Dominic interrupted.

“A narcist”, Tobi repeated, “But…you don’t know what it is?”

Dominic shook his head and said:

“I’ve never heard of a person who was called after a flower”.

Tobi broke in roaring laughter. It hurt Dominic: another one who laughed at him!

“Why do you make me ridiculous?” he asked really pissed off.

Still recovering from his laughing, Tobi started to explain:

“No…I don’t want to make you ridiculous. So hush…but the answer was really funny. In rough outlines: a narcist is a person who is completely and unconditionally in love with himself, for ever and ever. He considers all human creatures inferior, since no one can have the qualities, the class, the grandeur and the desirability he has. As a result, he will never accept critiques, attacks or objections from others on his actions, his behavior or his way of dealing with people, since in his own opinion he is divine…so he must be perfect as well”.

Tobi’s laugh appeared to return a semblance of tranquility into Dominic and only a modest sniveling remained. His mind returned to reasonable thinking, proven by his next question:

“But Tobi…what I can’t understand…how does he get away with what he is doing to other people?”

“Hmmm”, Tobi reacted thoughtful, “That is something I can’t grasp myself. Often, I wonder myself why he is still alive and in one piece. Some of his victims can be quite violent, once they are offended or hurt. So…if someone smashes his brains out of his skull or breaks every bone in his skinny body…it wouldn’t have surprised me. But…he is shrewd. After each one-night stand he covers his tracks totally. It is, like he has disappeared from Berlin, even disappeared from the whole world, only to pop up again some weeks later. He is completely untraceable; nobody seems to know where they can find him. Or…they are so blinded by anger, that they are incapable of a consequent google search”.

“What do you mean?” Dominic asked in surprise.

“I know where he lives”, Tobi answered somewhat snug.

“How…? And where?”

“How? Simply by googling!” Tobi shot back, “Where? Why, you want to go there and beat the shit out of him?”

“No”, Dominic reacted somewhat indignant, “But I want to call him to account for what he did!”

With a sigh Tobi whispered in the boy’s ear:

“Stop dreaming, sweetheart. It would be a waste of time and effort. He would completely ignore you, since he considers you one of those simple creatures, who have no right to even address him. The best thing to do, is to put Martha out of your mind as fake, because that is what she actually is. And stay away from Wegemayr, because he is only bad news!”

“Guess so”, was the uncertain reply.

“You know, honey”, Tobi continued, “You and Martin have one thing in common: you are both ill. But there is a very important difference: you know, that you are ill and you want to do something about that. He…he has no idea, that he is ill as well, since he lives in his dream universe with him on top. In other words…you will get healthy and happy again. He never will!”

Dominic stared at him, his dark eyes radiating puzzlement, but nevertheless he replied, although for another time with that non-committal answer:

“Guess so”.

Tobi noticed the feeling of…hopelessness in the answer and he tried to counter it by suggesting:

“Hey…how about if we finish our wine and talk over something else than about this asshole? And then try to grab some sleep? How does that sound to you?”

There it was again:

“Guess so”.

They managed to finish the wine, but talking about some other subject seemed an impossibility, since Dominic was clearly mulling over Martha and the article. But in the end Tobi managed to get the boy to bed.

However, the bed light succeeded to be switched off for barely a minute before Dominic’s ostensible calmness was a thing of the past again and that his world started to collapse for another time. Crying he crawled into Tobi’s arms, who switched the bed light on again and then held the boy tight, stroking the back of his head rhythmically.

“It is okay to cry, sweetheart”, he whispered, “It is okay to be sad now. It’s perfectly normal to have a broken heart”.

“I don’t have a broken heart!”. Dominic could hardly say with a dogged, angry voice, hindered to speak by all the sobs, “I’m angry…I’m furious! I hate that… bitch! I thought he loved me…but he didn’t. He’s just the same as everybody else!”

“Not fully, honey”, Tobi said comfortingly, “He’s even worse than everybody else!”

“You hate him as well?” Dominic asked, slightly surprised.

“No, I have no reason to hate him”, Tobi answered, his voice clipped and measured, “I only detest him!”

Dominic kept on whimpering for another stretch of time, but gradually it became less and less. When Tobi realized he hadn’t heard anything for a while, he looked to the boy on his chest, only to discover, that he was sound asleep by now.

Tobi studied the boy’s face, where anger had vanished, only to be replaced by the same serene expression as in the isolation, giving it a beauty in his own rights. Again it moved him deeply. But then he grinned, when he whispered:

“You gave me a tiny problem, buddy! I can’t turn over when you’re asleep on my chest. Oh well…, you’ll roll off somewhere during the night, I guess”.

He pressed a soft, tender kiss on the head that lay upon him and turned off the light again with his one free hand.

 

The next morning it came across as if finding out the truth about Martha had a positive effect on Dominic. It was not that he was in high spirits, but it was some kind of melancholic placidity. To Tobi’s surprise it even improved over the day, until the boy was simply excited by the evening.

This positive mood, that almost grew euphoric, continued over the Sunday, making Tobi really wonder what had caused such a stupendous change in behavior. But before having understood the wondrous development or even recovered from this astonishment, Dominic added another marvel, when he said late Sunday evening:

“Tobi, I’ve been thinking!”

“About what, honey?” Tobi inquired, unaware of the bolt from the blue that was about to come.

“About…”, Dominic started, interrupting himself with a short hesitation, “About…that I’ve been ill long enough”.

Tobi still didn’t get where this might lead to, so he tried to find out:

“Meaning?”

Dominic conjured a broad smile on his face and exclaimed almost jubilant:

“That I’m going back to work tomorrow!”

Tobi was awestruck and he stared at the boy with his mouth wide open. It took him several seconds before he could utter a:

“Huh?”

“Yeah”, Dominic chattered on excited, “I’ve been ill for almost three months now. I’m bored to death. So, I want to go back to work. Besides, if I work it might divert my thoughts about…”

“About what?” Tobi asked, gradually recovering from utmost surprise and feeling a bit alarmed.

“About…Well”, Dominic answered thoughtfully, “About what is whirling around in my head all day…you know, the thoughts about me”.

Tobi had to admit that this last argument was a real good one, so reluctantly he gave in with:

“OK. Then go to work tomorrow. But on one condition!”

“What’s that?” Dominic asked a bit irritated.

“That if you can’t handle it, you stop right away and report sick immediately. Do you promise?”

Dominic stared in front of him for a few seconds with his head slightly tilted, like he was considering it. Then he reacted with:

“Guess so!”

Although Tobi had learned a lot about the boy in these past few months, the meaning of the “guess so” remained a mystery to him, not grasping that it might be a positive ‘yes’ on one end of the scale and a forceful ‘no’ on the other extreme, but also every nuance and grade in between these two poles. He only confirmed with a nod.

As a result, Dominic got on his way the next morning, his bread box in his rucksack. He took the subway downtown and once he had exited the destination station, he strolled the last two streets to his boss’s tiny shop.

He pushed the door open and went in, directly towards the cloakroom, when he saw a boy standing behind the counter, a boy he didn’t know. He saw no reason to ask anything and wanted to go past the counter, pulling his coat off, when the boy suddenly stopped him with a sharp:

“Wait a minute! Can I help you?”

Dominic had no intention to abandon his plan, so he only said:

“I want to go to hang my coat where it belongs. I work here! So…if you give me a second…than I’ll ask you if I can help you!”

“You work here?” the boy asked in what seemed almost bewilderment, “Then… what is your name?”

“I’m Dominic”, he shot back, feeling his irritation grow, “And what’s your’s?”

“I’m Alex”, was the reply.

“Alex?”

He didn’t know any Alex. Especially not some Alex who stood behind the counter where he was supposed to be!

“Yeah, Alex…and I work here”, the boy named Alex said vacillating, “But I think it is better that I call the owner. One moment, please”.

The boy left to the rear, only to come back within a minute, Mr. Grabowski, the store owner, in his trail. When the man saw Dominic his eyes spitted fire instantaneously and with a threatening, growling voice he asked:

“What the hell are you doing here?”

Dominic’s optimism disappeared like snow for the sun and uncertain he muttered:

“I came to work, Mr. Grabowski”.

“Don’t you think you’re a little late, boy?” the man sneered.

“But, Mr. Grabowski”, Dominic tried, “It is only half past eight, my normal time…I’m not late”.

“Yes…”, the man snarled, “You’re damned late…you’re three months late!”

Dominic felt how the ground under his feet started to slide, but he tried to stand up to this unjustified accusation when he said:

“I was ill…I was in hospital!”

The man scoffed and said:

“Yeah, sure! Tell that to your granny. Maybe she gives you some candy for it. And now…get out of here! You’re sacked. To be exact: you were sacked two and a half months ago!”

“Mr. Grabowski”, Dominic pleaded, “I can prove it!”

“Sure. Prove it to the fools at Social Security and the Labor Exchange”, the man cried out furious, ”They’ve got the time for this kind of bullshit. I haven’t, boy! I’ve wasted enough time on you. Now get out of here before I throw you out!”

The last words were augmented when the man assumed a threatening pose.

It was no longer only the ground, that shifted under his feet. By now the whole of Dominic’s existence collapsed around his ears. A kind of haze came over him, enshrouding his brains and cutting of all logical thinking and irrational feelings. He could no longer see…his mind refused to receipt the signals his eyes sent. He saw no Mr. Grabowski, nor did he see the boy called Alex.

In a trancelike state he turned around and faltered towards the door. He stepped out, impervious to the passing people and the noises of the many cars in the street. In an impulse, that his memory sent him, he did what he did as a child: he started walking.

He walked…walked…and walked…having no idea where to, losing track of time, like a true zombie, oblivious of all the other zombies around him…he simply didn’t see them.

He kept going on for hours, still without a goal or conscious direction. His feet hurt, his leg muscles cramped, but he kept moving forward, step by step, not feeling the pain. He felt nothing!

At some moment, at a time that other people called in the end of the afternoon, he passed a park and went in. He found a bench at the pond and sat down. Another childhood memory impulse popped up: he drew his bread box out of his rucksack, opened it and started to throw the contents on the ground for the ducks. With the ducklings gaggling around him he started to talk to them:

“Eat, little birds, and be happy! I’m not…because I’m a bad boy…no one likes me, no one loves me…I’m just a bad boy, unwanted…That remembers me: I have to punish myself pretty soon. But not now…now I like watching you!”

And elderly man passed and looked at him with a worried, somewhat frightened glance.

“Will he punish me? But he has no right to do so. Is he threatening me?” his suspicious soul whispered.

But the man walked on, the anticipated threat dissipated.

Once the ducks ate everything and returned to the water, he rose and resumed his walking.

Only when darkness had already fallen over the city, some leftover of reasonable thinking sank in. He looked around. He noticed it had to be evening, since it was almost dark. But he had no idea at all where he was.

He saw a bench on the sidewalk and sank down on it, considering what he had to do, thinking it over how he had to get home, back to Tobi. But no feasible ideas appeared, apart from one, that had nothing to do with the problem at hand: he pulled his hoodie as deep as possible over his eyes.

“I don’t want to be seen…! Nobody must see me…I will only shock people… today even more than I already used to do…Nobody must see me…I’m evil…my eyes are evil…everything about me is evil!”

He started to panic. He didn’t want to stay here…he wanted to go back to the protection that Tobi provided, but he didn’t know how! And he needed it! He needed it badly! And he needed it now…NOW!!

Slowly the haze vanished and his logical and reasonable capabilities returned. Hardly able to suppress his panic he drew his cell phone and pushed the pre-select with Tobi’s number.

The call was answered within a second:

“Hello? Is that you, Dominic?”

“Yes!” he whispered.

“My God, I was worried sick. It is shortly after nine! Are you OK?”

“I got sacked”, Dominic muttered, frightened that it would infuriate Tobi.

“When?” Tobi asked.

“This morning”.

“But, sweetheart…”, a desperate voice called out, “Where have you been all this time?”

“Don’t know…I really don’t!”

“Where are you now?” Tobi wanted to know, his voice sounding urgent.

“Don’t know…I really don’t!”

Tobi continued stubbornly with his attempts in finding out where Dominic was, but after a few minutes passing without getting any wiser he recognized the futility of it and tried another way to discover where he had to pick up Dominic. But before he did, he said:

“Dominic, listen carefully. I want you to stay right where you are right now. Don’t go anywhere else, just stay there. I’ll try to find out where you are and once I know it, I jump in my car and I’m coming to get you. Is that OK with you?”

“Guess so!”

Tobi started to talk slowly and clearly to make sure that Dominic would hear and understand every word:

“Dominic…can you take a look around if there is somebody around you who I can talk to and who can tell me where you are? Can you, honey?”

“Guess so”.

Obedient, he looked around, initially seeing no one. But after a brief span of time, he saw an elderly lady in a worn grey raincoat walking in his direction. In one hand she wore a large bag, on the other one was a leash, at the end of which was a tiny dog. He estimated she was somewhere in her seventies, with a spindly face, spectacles on her nose, thin legs and white hair.

“There’s some lady with her dog”, he reported the sighting to Tobi.

“Can you give her to me, honey?” Tobi asked.

“Guess so”.

When the lady was about a meter away from him Dominic stuck out his hand with the phone. The lady looked at him in surprise, but Dominic insisted by moving his hand a few times.

“What is it, young man?” she asked kindly.

Anew Dominic held the phone in front of her.

“Are you OK?”, she asked somewhat worried, “Do you need help?”

Dominic repeated his inviting movement to urge her to take the phone. She seemed to understand it, because she took it and said:

“Hello?”

“Good evening, ma’am, this is Tobi. My friend there, in front of you…I’m afraid he is a bit disoriented. He has no idea where he is and I wanted to pick him up. Can you tell me where he is right now?”

She looked astonished to the boy on the bench, who indeed made a very absent-minded impression on her.

“Oh yes”, she said, “He is on a bench in the Albrechtstrasse, just in front of that closed Greek restaurant”.

“Where is that?” Tobi asked puzzled, “Never heard of that street!”

“It is in Steglitz”, she answered matter-of-factly.

“Steglitz?”,Tobi cried out in desperation, “How did he get there?”

“I don’t know”, the lady said, “You have to ask him”.

“It’ll take me about forty-five minutes to get there”, Tobi groaned.

The lady casted another look on Dominic, then said:

“I’m worried about your friend”.

“Me too”, Tobi sighed.

“I make you an offer. What if I just stay with him until you are here. To keep an eye on him and to keep him company”, she suggested.

“Oh no”, Tobi protested weakly, “I couldn’t ask that. I mean…I need forty-five minutes to get there…if the traffic cooperates”.

“I don’t mind”, she replied, “My little dog is with me, so there is nobody waiting for me at home”.

“Oh…”, Tobi stammered, “That is very generous…,very kind of you. I would really appreciate that, because…to be honest…I’m worried as well”.

“Then get in your car, young man, and try to get here as soon as you can”, she said firmly, “I will sit here with him and keep an eye on him”.

“Thank you”, Tobi muttered with a grateful sigh, “May I ask your name?”

“I am Mrs. Hering”.

“Thank you again, Mrs. Hering”, Tobi said, “I’ll be there as soon as I can!”

“Don’t rush”, she giggled, “Don’t make any accidents, because then you’ll never get here. By the way…can you tell me your friend’s name? It makes it a bit easier to talk with him”.

“His name is Dominic”, Tobi replied.

“Fine”, she concluded decisive, “Then you get driving and I’ll be right here with him”.

She gave the phone back to Dominic and without waiting for an invitation she sat down beside him. Tobi gave Dominic the details of what was arranged, ending with:

“Is that OK with you?”

“Guess so”.

“OK, I’ll be there as soon as I can! Kiss”.

The click signaled the end of the call.

“Well, Dominic” the lady said with a nod, as if she wanted to make the whole situation clear once and for all, “I’m Mrs. Hering and I’ll keep you company until your friend is here to pick you up. You like that?”

“Guess so!”, Dominic muttered, staring up at the lady with suspicious eyes:

“How does she know my name? What else does she knows? Is she a witch? Did he sent her to do me harm?”

The lady cheerfully chatted along but Dominic didn’t hear a word, more a constant drone of an old, crackling woman’s voice while he looked ahead of him with gloomy face. He only noticed a change after some time when the voice drone stopped, like that the lady got the message, that further talking was fruitless. The only thing he picked up was:

“You are not very talkative, are you?”

“Guess so”, was his only toneless, almost robotic reply.

It didn’t seem to bother her. She grabbed in her bag and pulled a knitting from it. Without caring what other people might think, she started knitting with her little dog sleeping at her feet. It must have been the most remarkable duo in Berlin at that time: the knitting old lady and the gloomy-looking, slump-shouldered boy on that bench!

Suddenly she put her knitting on her lap, grabbed in her bag another time and took a tablet of chocolate from it. She opened the package, broke some pieces off and offered some to Dominic. He shook his head frantically with horrified eyes:

“You see, he sent her! She wants to harm me! She’s going to poison me!”

“You don’t like chocolate?” she asked somewhat disappointed, “Pity, it is really good one, it is Swiss one!”

Without doubt she popped a piece in her mouth and smacked it enjoyingly. Dominic witnessed her doing it, thinking:

“If she takes a piece herself…it can’t be poisoned!”

And his stomach growled; he was damned hungry. Hesitantly he stuck his hand out and murmured:

“I…I…I changed my mind. Can I have a piece, please?”

“Of course, you can!”, she answered with a sweet smile.

He took it and almost devoured it.

“It seems to me you are hungry”, she said with a giggle, “You want another piece?”

Now Dominic nodded frenetically and she offered him another piece, that he accepted without second thoughts.

Then she simply took her knitting up again and resumed working, the tic-tac of the needles being the only hardly noticeable sound between the two of them.

Things remained unchanged in this almost frozen film frame until a car stopped in front of them and Tobi jumped out of it. He ran to Dominic straight away, calling out in relief:

“My God, Dominic, you had me worried. Why is your phone off?”

Dominic kept silent, staring at his friend with frightened eyes and only after some delay he mumbled:

“Are you angry with me? Don’t you like me no more?”

Tobi squatted and embraced the boy, feeling the soft trembling over his body and whispered:

“No, I’m not angry. I still like you…I like you a lot! It is just…I was worried sick! Why was your phone off? I tried to call you hundreds of times. And…what happened?”

“Mr. Grabowski doesn’t want me to use the phone during working hours”, came the haltering answer, “So, I always switch it off when I go to work. Must have forgotten to switch it on again”.

“OK, no problem”, Toby comforted the boy, who remained quaky, “But what happened?”

“He kicked me out”, Dominic answered unstressed, “He sacked me…for being in the hospital”.

“He can’t do that!” Tobi growled angry.

“Guess so…but he did!”

Tobi realized that getting mad at the wrong person wouldn’t be very helpful and, full of questions as he was, he decided to change the subject for the time being, asking as gently as possible:

“And then? What did you do then?”

Dominic shrugged and drawled:

“Don’t know”.

“Let me get you home, nice and safe. OK?”

“Guess so!”

Tobi rose and thanked Mrs. Hering extensively for her kind help, ending with:

“I’ll take him home now. Thanks again”.

“Young man”, the woman said, “I don’t want to impose, but in my opinion, I think you should see a doctor. He is really…I don’t know how to call it”.

“I know”, Tobi replied with a deep sigh, “But first I’ll take him home with me”.

With a light hand he guided Dominic to the car and helped him in. With a last wave of goodbye to the lady he stepped in behind the wheel and started the drive home.

By now, Tobi felt relaxed with Dominic safely next to him. He concentrated on the road and the traffic and was therefore unaware of the volcano on the other front seat, that was obviously building up for an eruption.

Dominic just sat there, rigid like a marble statue. The quivering had subsided, but his eyes stared hollow to and through the wind screen, while his lips pattered continuously without a sound. He only galvanized into action, when Tobi turned the car onto the City Motorway towards their own residential area, pressing the gas to gain some extra speed.

Suddenly Dominic grabbed the door and opened it. He tried to jump out of the car, which sped along at about a good hundred kilometers per hour. But his impulsive and uncoordinated action was impeded, when he was pushed back in the seat almost with violence, since he forgot to loosen his seat belt. The slipstreams pushed the door back again into its lock.

Tobi reacted instinctively: in a flash he pushed the central lock button on his own door, sealing all exits from the car through the other doors. Then he raced onto the emergency lane, where the car came to a screeching halt.

He reached out to Dominic, screaming:

“What are you doing?”

By now Dominic trembled when he cried out, flailing his fists around:

“Don’t stop me! You have no right to stop me! Let me do it…! Don’t you dare to stop me!”

“Yes, I damned well will”, Tobi screamed back, struggling to get a hold of the boy, “What is this?”

“Punishment…! I want…punishment…! I’m bad, I’m very, very bad!”

After an extended grapple in the confined spaces of the car Tobi was finally able to grab the boy by his wrists, then the shoulders and almost shouted:

“Don’t you ever do that again! You scared the hell out of me!”

The boy’s violent behavior fluttered like a candle in a storm, only to extinguish completely in mere seconds, when he turned as good as limp.

“I want punishment! Punishment…! I need it…! Because I’m a bad boy!” was the robotic reaction.

Recovering from his consternation, Tobi asked:

“Why do you think you’re bad?”

“Because….”, was the faltering answer, “I’m a weak pussy…I didn’t do anything! Are you angry with me?”

“When? How?” Tobi managed to say quiet, suppressing an urge to yell, “What do you mean?”

Totally absent-minded Dominic shrugged and shook his head, only saying, staring into Tobi’s one working eye with far-away gaze:

“Don’t know! Can’t remember! Are you angry with me?”

“No, I’m not angry, honey. It’s OK…don’t you worry!” Tobi sighed, tears scalding behind his eyes.

He took the boy in his arms for another time and pulled the blond head against his shoulder, stroking it gently over the nape.

“You’re not bad, sweetheart…you’re sweet!” he whispered, “But so every now and then you scare me!”

It seemed the wrong thing to say, because Dominic burst into a flurry of aggression again, crying out loud:

“I told you so….! I’m bad!”

“No…you’re not”, Tobi persisted softly, holding the boy tight, “You’re a very sweet boy, who is in desperate need for help!”

Dominic’s second bout of anger subsided as soon as it had come up and he only muttered:

“Guess so”.

They sat there for almost half an hour, illuminated by the stroboscope of headlights of passing traffic, lightened up for a second, followed by the next flash shortly thereafter, Tobi constantly holding Dominic tight and stroking over his soft hair.

Only then, after he had the feeling that Dominic had sunken back in at least a faҫade of relaxation, Tobi let go of the boy, restarted the car and continued the way home. But now his one eye was divided between the road and the boy next to him.

It made it a very tiring drive but at last they arrived at the apartment block. Gently he guided Dominic into the building and then into the elevator, foreseeing a long but sleepless night.

 

Yes, it became a long and pretty sleepless night. In that respect Tobi’s forecast was more than correct. What was not correct, was the particular reason for it. And anyway, it almost ended in disaster again.

Evening and early night were as he had expected: comforting, soothing and trying to talk the present demons out of Dominic’s head. Tobi wondered if he would ever manage to do so and when he finally got the boy in bed, he still had his doubts if he had succeeded in his objective, but nevertheless he had felt compelled to give it a very serious try. No matter if he achieved his goal completely, optically it seemed that Dominic was at ease by now, rolling on his side and closing his eyes from extreme tiredness.

Tobi undressed and laid down next to him, pressed a soft kiss on the forehead that didn’t evoke any reaction. Assuming Dominic was asleep he sank down on the pillow, feeling kind of mentally drained, and switched off the bedside lamp. Then he fell asleep.

At some undetermined time he woke up. He couldn’t tell if it was after five minutes or after two hours, but he was damned certain of what woke him up. It were lips and so every now a tongue on his neck, interspersed with a set of teeth, that nibbled softly on his earlobe.

“What are you doing?” he asked in shock.

“Hihi…, what does it look like?”, came the answer in a husky, low and soft voice, “I just need you. I want you!”

Tobi switched on the light and looked at Dominic, not expecting his that close to his own. Before he could react, a kiss was pressed on his lips with a tongue sliding over them.

“Dominic…no!” he moaned.

“Why not?” Dominic asked, his eyes burning with desire and his mouth somewhat opened, showing his shiny white teeth.

“Because…” Tobi tried to find an answer.

“Don’t you think I’m pretty?” Dominic asked with a high-pitched girl-like voice.

“Yes…that is not the issue. You are…like an angel so pretty! And like an angel so sweet”.

“Then…”, Dominic tried, “Why not? What is against it?”

“Normally nothing!” Tobi replied, “But, let’s face it: things are not normal!”

“What do you mean?” Dominic sputtered irritated.

“Well…you’re ill”, Tobi tried the reasonable approach, “And I think I should not take advantage of a boy, that is ill!”

“I’m not ill”, Dominic objected, “I’m perfectly healthy!”

So far for the reasonable approach. But Tobi had no intentions whatsoever to give in, despite his own cravings. They just had to wait!

“No, you aren’t”, Tobi muttered, “You’re just out of hospital”.

“Don’t mean nothing”, Dominic snarled, “Besides…you’re the one who said last Friday he wanted to explore my bed capabilities!”

“I did”, Tobi admitted.

“Then…try them”, Dominic went back in his seduction mode, “I’m real good in bed…you won’t be disappointed”.

Tobi sighed and reacted with:

“But I also said: not now and not on short notice! Only when you’re stronger and when you firmly on your way uphill again”.

“What is the difference?”, Dominic lashed out, “Today or next week?”

“Next week is still on short notice, sweetheart”.

Abruptly Dominic changed his approach when he said sadly, putting on a face as if he was near to crying:

“But Tobi…I need you! I need it! I want the feeling that you want me…please? Give me the right to live! Please…?”

Tobi heaved another sigh. He thought briefly how to give an adequate and suitable answer and finally settled on:

“Listen to me! If I happened to be a gay tourist in Berlin, visiting museums and looking at old buildings and I would be in my hotel room one evening, feeling really randy, I would search on the sites for a cute kid to have some fun. And let us assume I would find you. Now…my mind would be made up right away: that is the kid I want! And we settle it all, you would come and then…yes, it would happen. No doubt about that! Because at that moment you offer what I am looking for: you’re just a cute kid, of whom I don’t know a damned thing. Got it so far?”

“Yeah…but you’re not a tourist!” Dominic protested, a glitter in his eyes, thinking he found the weak spot in his boyfriend’s answer.

“That’s right”, Tobi acknowledged, “I’m your boyfriend and because of that I know you went through a lot of horrible things and still suffer from the pains these things caused. Now…if we would have sex, I would feel it like I’m abusing a vulnerable and emotionally damaged boy. In my set of rules that is equal to a kind of abuse, that is inhuman, immoral and criminal. I may have a lot of drawbacks, but inhumanity, immorality and criminal behavior are not one of those”.

“So…”, Dominic muttered, “You’re not abusing me. I asked you to do it! And nobody has ever turned me down before, so why should you?”

“I know!” Tobi reciprocated, “And I have no doubts, that it would be great fun to have sex with you. But… it is not what we feel during the night, that matters. Important is, how we feel about it in the morning, when we open our eyes”.

“Meaning?” Dominic asked, his voice getting a pissed edge.

“I would wake up feeling dirty and guilty, feeling myself inhuman, immoral and criminal. And you? Oh well, I think that that tiny bit of trust I managed to get from you would be laying down there on the street in very tiny pieces. And that, honey, is a price I’m not prepared to pay!”

Dominic stared at him, his eyes assuming a glance of unreasonable anger. Then he cried out:

“You don’t want me!”

“That is not what I said, sweetheart…” Tobi started an answer.

It fell on deaf ears. Clearly furious by now, Dominic rolled over, turning his back on Tobi, and covered his head with his arms, drawing the duvet over his head for good measure, making himself completely incommunicado.

Holding firmly onto his point of view, Tobi was wise enough to give the boy a minute or two to cool down. Then he bent over to where he expected Dominic’s head to be and said, keeping his voice level and judicious:

“Dominic, that is not what I said. I only said…not today! For your sake!”

The reaction coming from under the duvet didn’t give much hope for forgiveness and sound reasoning:

“Piss off! Leave me alone! I hate you! I hate everyone! I hate this whole fucking world! But I hate you the most of all of it”.

No, Tobi was not inhuman, as a matter of fact he was only human as well. This unexpected reaction made him fitful, even slightly angry, leading him to say:

“If that is so…, why don’t you pack your stuff and go home then? I won’t keep you here if you don’t want to because you hate me!”

It triggered the next unforeseeable and inscrutable mood swing in one evening, when Dominic threw the duvet violently off him, jumped up and clamped himself against Tobi, screaming out in fear:

“Don’t kick me out…! No…don’t leave me alone…! I can’t live on my own…I die without you…please, Tobi…don’t kick me out! I’ll be a good boy! I promise!”

It shocked Tobi and he realized, that he had made a huge mistake. He took the screaming boy in his arms again and muttered uncertain:

“No, sweetheart…I won’t kick you out! I’m sorry…I lost my temper; it shouldn’t have happened. You can stay here…of course you can stay here! We’ll get through this together!”

“I don’t hate you”, Dominic sobbed, “I hate myself”.

“Why that?” Tobi inquired, completely dumbfounded.

“Because…”, came the faltering answer, “I did everything wrong. I’m a coward, a worthless piece of shit, a school drop-out and in the end, I turned into Bunny, a worthless slut”.

That was an answer, that Tobi hadn’t expected, an answer that he needed to consider first before he could react. No, in his opinion Dominic was no coward nor a piece of shit, that was a certainty for him. But he had to grant the boy, that dropping out of school and becoming - he frantically tried to find another word for ‘slut’ - weren’t the wisest things to do.

Cautiously he started to formulate an answer:

“No, sweetheart. You’re not a coward and you’re not a piece of shit. These were things, that were taught you to believe by that creep, and if you wouldn’t learn it by yourself, he would beat it into you. But…I admit…dropping out of school and becoming Bunny…maybe they weren’t the smartest things to do. But on the other hand…I can’t blame you. It was already an early part of the problems you are having right now”.

“I wanted to be a dancer…” Dominic lamented in tears, “Not just in the Dance Temple, but a real one…you know, in some theatre, doing ballet, becoming famous…be somebody! But it will never happen now!”

“Nobody gave you the chance, sweetheart” Tobi said. He let it follow with a question:

“But why will it never happen?”

“No school will accept me without graduation”, the boy muttered between whimpers, staring at Tobi with eyes as hopeless as he had never seen before.

“It can still happen! You can always catch up on that”, Tobi tried to instill some hope in the boy, “There are programs for that, you know?”

Miraculously it seemed to have the dreamed-of result. The despair disappeared from Dominic’s eyes and was superseded by a glitter of belief in them, when he spoke, hovering between hope and fear:

“You think so?”

Tobi nodded emphatically.

“Then…there might still be some way…guess so”.

Mentally and without a sound Tobi cheered because of his tiny victory and confirmed Dominic’s saying with:

“Yes, there is! But first you have to get well again. That is the most important thing at this moment”.

Dominic laid his head on Tobi’s chest, closed his eyes and whispered:

“OK…I’ll try”.

There was a short silence and then the boy continued with:

“Tobi…forgive me…I don’t hate you at all. I shouldn’t have said that!”

“It’s OK, sweetheart”, Tobi muttered, swallowing his upcoming emotions, “I’m not angry. Now…how about if we take our forty winks?”

He felt the head on his chest nodding in approval, switched the bed lamp off for another time and pushed a tender kiss on the blond hair.

The last he heard was:

“Tobi…I love you…I think!”