Dance over the Thunderclouds - 6. Second Meeting

By the time the Court released Dominic from forced admission the golden autumn days had become a thing from the past with autumn already moving into the next inclement, windy and rainy phase.

The weather was especially bad on the day, that Tobi picked Dominic up from the hospital, but it led to an almost comical aspect. After running from the hospital’s main exit to the car in gushing rain, both stepped in completely soaked to the skin. Dominic didn’t seem to care. But he was annoyed, even angry, when he growled:

“Goddamned, Grumbles is totally wet!”

Tobi roared with laughter, soliciting for a very disgruntled glance from his boyfriend:

“You’re laughing me in the face. You’re deriding me!”

“No, sweetheart”, Tobi defended himself, “But it is so funny. Look at ourselves: we’re both soaked wet and you bother about Grumbles. Hey, when we’re at home we’ll just hang him on his ears to dry!”

“And we?” Dominic wanted to know.

“First we throw our clothes in the dryer and then we take a nice hot shower, before you get ill”, was the answer.

“I’m already sick”, Dominic objected stingy, “Doctor Monika just said so!”

“Not that kind of illness, honey”, Tobi explained, “But a severe cold or the flu. That is what I am talking about!”

“Guess so!”, was the grumpy standard reaction.

But the prospect of a hot shower seemed to please him because Grumbles was forgotten and was left to his own wet fate and his moody behavior disappeared as by magic.

The first weeks after Dominic’s release felt like something akin to heaven. Tobi almost got the impression, that they had healed Dominic during his most recent hospital stay, because the boy was cheerful and happy, like his real personality was restored.

One evening he even tried to find out about these retro study programs so that he could start realizing his original great goal in life, becoming a ballet dancer. With Tobi he scrounged through google, looking for programs that he could enroll. And gone were the depressed moods, the anxieties, the illogical reasoning. It was all perfectly all right!

It bewildered Tobi that much that he called Monika Moller one morning from work, expressing his not understanding of the moods Dominic was presently in. But Monika put a damper on his high hopes when she answered:

“Don’t be too happy, Tobi. It is one of his euphoric phases, probably due to the circumstance, that he has his freedom back. And maybe it helped that we re-shuffled his medication somewhat. We changed the anti-depressant. But you can bet on it, that his bad moods will return until he is totally cured”.

“Damned,” Tobi cursed under his breath, feeling the hope flowing out of his body.

“Don’t take it too hard”, Monika said, “Hey, why don’t the two of you just enjoy it as long as his good moods continue? It’ll give you both the chance to recover some strength for the other times when they return”.

“Good idea!” Tobi muttered. Vaguely he remembered he had a week of holidays left, thinking at the same time:

“I’ll check it right away!”

After he thanked Monika for the information, he ended the call and started to make arrangements to take his remaining vacation days.

It was nothing fancy. And most certainly, constraint finances made a week of sun, sea and beach on Cyprus impossible. But a trip by car to Italy was financially possible, where both enjoyed themselves thoroughly and had lots of fun together. They made a boat trip over the Adriatic, ate really fresh fish in a ristorante at its shore, enjoyed the sparse sun and partied in the many small pubs. For Dominic the world grew exponentially, having never been outside Berlin once before in his life.

One evening, after another busy day, they were in bed, both tired, satisfied with the past day and happy. Tobi laid with closed eyes and allowed himself to be intensely thrilled with the fact, that his boyfriend enjoyed his first foreign experience so much and was in such good spirits. And this boyfriend seemed to smell his opportunity!

There it was again: the tongue licking along his throat, the nibbling on the earlobe, but this time a soft, husky voice was there as well, that whispered in Tobi’s ear:

“Tobi, I can’t sleep. What do you think? Do you think I’m up to it now?”

Tiredness, the pleasant drowsiness, and his own positive feelings over Dominic’s condition made, that all Tobi’s apprehensions vanished into thin air. He was catapulted over the moon, no longer able to restrain his desires for this beautiful boy, the boy he had dreamed of for so long now. As a result, he threw all caution overboard when he whispered back:

“If you want it!”

A soft giggle was the answer, followed by:

“Yeah…I want it!”

“Then come here…”, Tobi uttered breathless.

Dominic crawled in his arms and a passionate game began: underwear was torn off, lips touched on lips, tongues licked nose tips, eyes, cheek lines, throats, only to sink gradually down via chests to the more intimate regions. Then lips enclosed dick tips, while tongues slid over them, so every now even a set of teeth that scraped delicately over the sensitive tissue, licking, sucking and savoring each other’s precum with both having the same thought simultaneously:

“How long has this been?”

For one of them it was measured in months, for the other in years!

Tobi decided to start nice and easy and carefully slid a finger into Dominic’s rear exit. He heard the boy moan softly in enjoyment, so after a while he stuck a second finger in, where the two of them started to make lazy circles inside Dominic, leading to an audible increase in passionate groaning. But after a while Tobi wanted more and turned on his back.

Moaning and smacking sounds alternated. Bodies flowed into one silhouette with Dominic ending on top, riding the prancing lance gently. Heads neared another once again, exchanging tender kisses and three eyes burned!

These initial skirmishes took an extended period of time like both of them had gotten out of habit. But finally, it was Dominic who hissed barely audible:

“Take me! Make me your sweetheart once and for all!”

For a few seconds, a new feeling of unease came over Tobi, but he managed to suppress it. The chosen position was as plain as could be: Dominic rolled off him on his left side, his back towards Tobi and lifted his right leg high up against his chest. Out of habit or not: Tobi picked up the signal and started a gentle penetration. It made Dominic groan with pleasure when he muttered:

“Yeah, my sweetest, do it to me! Do it careful, do it sweet!”

This time it had nothing to do with sophisticated positions nor with the Gayma Sutra, it had no commonality with the exhibition of sexual grandeur and prowess. Actually, it was just unpretentious sex, the kind everyone has. But it was exactly what it had to be: the physical expression of a deep-felt love for each other. And this love seemed to be vaping off the two bodies.

They forgot all about the huge metropole they lived in, they forgot Nora and Grumbles, they even had no idea about the immediate surroundings of the hotel room in which they were. And most of all: for the time being they let all their problems and troubles slip from their consciousness! Their whole universe was restricted to each other.

“I love you…I love you!” Tobi muttered, when he started a deliberate but slow, tenderhearted thrusting, licking and kissing Dominic’s neck and shoulders while doing so. Dominic reacted with high-pitched cooing sounds, expressing his feeling of extreme pleasure.

In what could have been a lection of the ages-old saying, that the cripple leads the blind, the one-eyed boy and the mental wreck united, physically and emotionally, becoming one single phenomenon of indescribable sun-blending splendor and strength in a split second, with both its components feeling the fears, uncertainties, worries and emptiness flowing from their burdened souls for the time being. They experienced the feeling of complete fulfillment, donating this deeply personal gift to the other and gratefully accepting his present and each of them transferred their motivation and strength to the other, powers of which neither of them had the idea they had them but that would enable them to carry on the long and arduous struggle ahead of them together!

Once the orgasm had followed and Tobi prepared to withdraw, Dominic pleaded in a high voice:

“Stay in me! Don’t leave me…”.

“I can’t leave you, sweetheart”, Tobi replied, “I’m too…addicted to you…and too spellbound by love for you”.

But nature has its own laws, so inevitably the moment came, that Tobi had to leave. Dominic crawled back in his arms, snugging up closely against his body, the head on his chest. They laid in silence for a long time, just enjoying each other’s warmth and presence. But suddenly Dominic said:

“Tobi…I love you…I think”.

Tobi chuckled, incidentally a bit too hard.

“Why are you laughing?” Dominic asked, but this time without indignation or anger in his voice, only wonderment.

“Because, sweetheart”, Tobi answered, “You always say you love me…and then comes ‘I think’. Why is that?”

There was another silence, but finally Dominic answered hesitantly:

“Because…I don’t know if what I feel is really love”.

Tears filled his eyes, when he continued:

“Nobody taught me how love feels…nobody told me anything about love. It was just a word, that others used so often that it had to be important. But I had no fucking idea how it felt”.

Tobi sensed there was more to come, so he mustered enough patience to wait. It took some time but finally Dominic swept the tears from his eyes and continued:

“But now…I feel this overwhelming feeling for you, a new emotion, a feeling I didn’t know before. So…I guess that is what they call love. If this isn’t love…I don’t know any longer what love is. Then it is some unattainable vague concept for me”.

“No, it isn’t”, Tobi reacted softly, “I guess you feel love!”

The incomparable smile came on Dominic’s face again when he said:

“Then, at last, it was you, who taught me love!”

Now it was Tobi’s turn to get tears in his eyes.

“Why are you crying?” Dominic asked surprised.

“Because…”, Tobi replied with choking voice, “It moves me deeply, that I am the one who taught you love. It means…a lot to me…it is really a great honor!”

Dominic giggled and said:

“Simply because you’re so sweet. So…yes, you taught me about love. In other words,…I love you!”

But Dominic wouldn’t be Dominic if he didn’t relativize it with a teasing smile on his face by saying:

“Guess so!”

They laid in each other’s arms for a long time without any further words exchanged. But then Dominic said:

“Tobi…I still can’t sleep. I’m too excited to sleep”.

“Well”, Tobi grinned, “Maybe I should sing you a lullaby”.

“Yeah”, came the reply to Tobi’s surprise, “That would be nice!”

Tobi started singing a lullaby, but it wasn’t enough. Dominic was still awake. He started the next song and the next…sang through his whole repertoire of soft rock ballads and quiet songs. But Dominic stayed awake, moaning in pleasure or giggling so every now and then. What should have been one or two lullabies turned into a full nocturnal recital. Tobi ran out of repertoire, frantically searching his mind for other songs and ending up with lullaby-versions of Schubert’s “Der Leiermann” and even his own improvised arrangement of the first move of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto. It seemed to work…he hardly dared to move, afraid of waking the boy up again, but extremely softly he whispered:

“Is he asleep now?”

No, Dominic was not asleep, because Tobi heard him breathing barely audible and extremely shy:

“Tobi…can you sing some more for me? Please?”

It moved him for the second time in one evening and this time it moved him very deeply. But in the same instant he realized himself, that at this very moment the small, desperate boy was crying out, the boy that had been so frightfully groping around for love instead of the fate that was doled out to him, the fate of abandonment, violence and abuse.

He concurred gladly and improvised some tunes on the spot by only humming them and only then it became obvious by the regular breathing, that Dominic was sound asleep, right in his arms.

Tobi dozed off as well in this intimate position. He only noticed, that the bed lamp was still on when he woke for a few moments at around four in the morning.

 

Holidays have the unpleasant tendency, that they end sooner or later, apart from the fact that they always seem to overextend the available budget. Dominic’s and Tobi’s short vacation was no different.

Pretty soon the Monday arrived, that Tobi had to go to work, not only at his normal workplace, but detached to the Hanover bureau to stand in for a sick colleague. Apart from his working hours it added travel time, separating him from his beloved one for longer as bearable, and, in his way of thinking, as justified. Because Monika’s warning over the phone echoed in his mind and he was fully aware that the present good times might end any moment now. But there was nothing he could do about it.

For Dominic it meant, that he returned to his normal routine of two therapy sessions weekly with Monika Moller. And exactly during the second session after the holidays the expected land sliding mood swing occurred.

It was so unexpected, that even Dominic himself didn’t see it coming. Suspecting nothing, not even in his most bizarre distrustful thoughts, he knocked at the door of Monika’s doctor’s office and after a “Come on in” he entered as he always did, meaning somewhat grumpy and defensive.

Monika greeted him with an eye-blinding smile when she asked:

“How are you feeling, sweetie?”

“Guess so!”

“And do the new pills work?” came the next question.

Dominic just shrugged, even omitting the usual “Guess so”.

“Now, tell me, did you get used again to normal life after the holidays?” she tried to provoke a reaction. She got one, but it was not the desired one, because all Dominic replied somewhat sarcastic was:

“What is that, normal life?”

Monika ignored the sarcasm. She just kept sitting behind her desk with a mysterious smile on her face, gleaming like Buddha must have, seconds before he entered the Nirvana.

It puzzled Dominic. He had no idea what this was all about. Consequently, he asked somewhat piqued:

“What is going on?”

She didn’t answer. Involuntary Dominic looked at the side door, from where Rebel had always entered and asked with a lopsided grin:

“What is it that you have hidden there now? A lion or a bear?”

“Neither of them”, she answered, persisting in that smile of hers.

“What then?” Dominic pressed the matter, by now getting curious…or was it suspicious?

“I just happen to have very good news for you!” she started to unlock the secret.

Dominic kept silent, but his eyes screamed for the redeeming answer.

“We…” Monika started, building up the tension, “We found you a place at an intensive therapy clinic. You can go there next Monday!”

Dominic couldn’t grasp it that fast. He stared at her and asked:

“And what about us then? These two sessions each week?”

“This is our last session, sweetie”, Monika explained, “When you’re in therapy in that clinic, I can’t treat you at the same time!”

The news made Dominic dizzy. Instantaneously he petrified, felt nauseous, gasped for breath and struggled to keep his emotions in check. He narrowed his eyes and barely able to speak he rasped:

“But…but…you always called me sweetie! I thought…you… liked me! I thought you cared for me! And now…, are you saying that…?”

“I do like you and care for you!” Monika replied, “That’s why I found you this place!”

Overwhelmed by fear and anger, Dominic didn’t even hear her reply, but Monika failed to recognize the signs; she debited the boy’s reaction to the impact of the great news. How wrong she proved to be, because Dominic started to shift in his chair agitatedly, his voice rapidly raising in crescendo until he screamed out the last words:

“You mean bitch…! You kick me out! You betray me…abandon me…! You’re like all the rotten rest of them!”

Monika was unable to react. She stared at him, fully confounded by the fierce reaction, a reaction she hadn’t expected. In Dominic’s mind all emotions short-circuited and the fuses blew: he jumped up, grabbed a vase that happened to be in reach on the table and threw it towards the young psychiatrist, who was barely able to dodge it.

“Dominic, stop that!” she cried out.

But he didn’t stop; with a skipping voice he kept yelling at the top of his lungs:

“You sly witch! First, you lure me with that damned dog, then you hear me out of all that is on my mind and once you get bored with me, you kick me in the dust. You don’t like me any longer, huh? Is that it? That you hate the guts of me? You think I’m bad after all I told you? Yes…I AM BAD! And then to know that I trusted you, goddamned! But that don’t mean nothing to you, does it? You only abused my hell to make fun out of me. I guess by now you’re all having a good laugh over what I told you! You bitch…you fucking bitch! I hate you! I hate you! I hate all of you!”

He turned around and overburdened by fierce emotions, but without any thought, he ran out of the room into the corridor, followed by a frantic calling out by a woman’s voice:

“Dominic! Wait!”

He didn’t wait! He didn’t want to wait! He only wanted to get away from it all, going through another experience of a sliding world, that was swept from its foundations by an avalanche of feelings of discomfort and fear. He kept running, from the ward, through the many corridors of the hospital.

And even after he reached the main exit and hurried outdoors, he continued running, fleeing from another devastating disaster!

In the room he had escaped from, there was another form of upheaval. A young, upcoming psychiatrist, always eager to help everybody who needed help, sat with her head in her hands and cried, mumbling again and again:

“I failed…goddamned…I failed!”

 

Maybe it was pure luck or strictly out of habit that Dominic was able to catch the right subway home without thinking. He sat in a corner, making himself as invisible as was possible, huddled like a sick bird and with his hoodie pulled over his eyes as deep as was possible, and stared out of the window to the black tunnel walls and the passing flashing neon lights, oblivious of everybody around him and lost in his thoughts:

“It is so dumb…I should’ve never trusted her…she was just another one who was sent, by him…another attempt to finish me off…”.

His stomach played up; with effort he suppressed the upcoming bile.

“I just got fucked another time! I took the bait with open eyes…and then spilled my guts! Oh well, now at least they can have a good laugh over me during their coffee breaks. Like they all have! I’m so fed up with satisfying all their weird, dominant and headstrong attitudes. Just forget them all, including that witch…out of sight, out of mind. I’m sick and tired of being called a luni…or being labelled a patient. To hell with all of them!”

He feared he was near to vomiting and made another supreme effort to swallow it back. Luck was with him: the train entered his destination station. He descended the train, stepped on the escalator upwards and once he left, he started walking the remaining streets home, still with his hoodie drawn deep over his gloomy eyes. Moving again made his upset stomach settling, but his mind was far from getting peace:

“What home? I never had a home…so why should I have one now? He’s only tolerating me because I am a good fuck. Like everybody else suffers me because of that. And for the rest… they only ridicule me and tell bad things about me…that I’m just malingering and simulating, that I’m only a toxic fraud, that I manipulate…and that nothing like a mental disorder exists. What a cruel joke…my disorder doesn’t exist…maybe because I don’t even exist myself. Because I was born a demon myself. Then tell me: what do I feel day in, day out?”.

Tears came in his eyes, partly from anger, partly from grieve. He swept them away. He had no intention to start crying in the middle of the street like some barking mad sissy.

“Tobi…? He says he loves me…but he can’t. It’s just impossible. Nobody loves me, nobody loves a demon…! So why should he? He’s just enduring me and once he finds out I’m evil he kicks me out like a mad dog without second thought. No…I’m not making the same mistake twice…I don’t trust him… I trust nobody! Not any longer!”

He shook his head violently to clear his mind of all the mixed-up thinking:

“God…it is all so confusing…I don’t know what to think any longer…! I need something to make me feel good…I just need it…Can’t stand it anymore. God…help me…make me find something to feel good! Please!!”

It seemed that God overheard his prayer because as soon as he rounded the corner into another street he recognized a guy, whom he vaguely knew as a street supplier of ‘stuff’. He had no firm idea what the guy actually sold nor who he was, but he was beyond caring for this kind of petty details: he just needed something to feel good!

He hesitated briefly but then he stepped directly towards the guy and greeted him with an abrupt:

“Hi”.

“Hi, kid”, the man said with what should resemble a smile.

“I eeeuhh…”, Dominic muttered uncertain, “I need something to feel good. You got something?”

The guy chuckled and replied:

“You just want to feel good or you want to feel really good?”

“Really good, if possible!” Dominic said.

The man grabbed in his coat pocket and took a yellow oblong piece of paper out of it, that he held in the palm of his hand.

“What’s that?” Dominic wanted to know.

“Five pills for one price”, the man grinned.

“OK, but…what is it?”

“Orange Sunshine”, was the answer.

“Never heard of it”, Dominic said.

“Call it a lack in your education, kid”, the man reacted with a continuing grin on his face, “But this stuff is bound to make you really feel happy and good”.

“How much?” Dominic inquired, being very curious about stuff that would make him really feel good.

“Hundred-and-fifty”.

“Wow”, Dominic sighed, “That’s a lot of money”.

“Hey”, the man objected, “We also suffer from the energy crisis and the Ukraine war. We need to live as well. Besides, this is good stuff, made in Germany. It is not cheap Chinese rubbish”.

“You forgot the COVID-pandemic”, Dominic said cynically.

“It plays no role”, was the indifferent answer, “I managed to get over that”.

Dominic took his wallet to find out how much money he had.

“Can I buy three. I ain’t got a hundred-and-fifty”, he muttered somewhat ashamed.

“You got hundred-and-twenty?” the man asked curt.

Dominic shuffled through the bank notes and relieved he almost cried out:

“Yeah, I manage hundred-and-twenty”.

“OK, I’ll make you a deal. I give you an introduction discount on this one, because you don’t know the beneficial effect of this stuff”.

“Great”, Dominic cheered.

“But…”, the man warned him, “Next buy is hundred-and-fifty or whatever the going rate is at that moment”.

“Fine with me”, Dominic confirmed.

He paid his money and eagerly accepted the five-strip, that was handed to him.

“See you”, he said with his glorious smile and started walking again.

The man didn’t reply immediately, but once Dominic was out of earshot a mean grin came on his face when he mumbled:

“I’m damned sure I’ll see you again, kid!”

 

Being November, evening twilight was already falling over the city by the time Dominic entered the apartment and pushed the door shut. He was welcomed by Nora, who circled around his legs purring and cuddled a bit with the tiny cat.

He threw his jacket on the couch and considered what he would do first: get himself a hot cocoa or take one of these feel good-pills right away? He decided to go for the cocoa; he was cold and he was thirsty.

Unconcentrated, he rumbled through the kitchen cabinets but once he found the cocoa powder, he filled the kettle and put it on the fire. With his bottom on the counter, he stared absent-mindedly out of the large window towards the balcony, observing how the twilight fell and gradually grew to darkness. There were dark clouds in the air; it looked as if it might rain this evening.

But his mood had lifted a tiny bit: the prospect of taking one of these pills already cheered him up somewhat without having taken one.

Once the cocoa was ready, he sat down on the couch next to Grumbles, warming his cold hands on the hot mug. His eyes remained fixated on the sky outside.

“Man, Grumbles”, he muttered, “That was really another catastrophic day. Can you imagine: I really trusted that bitch and she betrayed me just like that, without blinking an eye. No, even worse: she even smiled when she did it!”

There was no reply. He looked sideways towards the large teddy bear and asked:

“What do you think? Will Tobi betray us as well?”

Silence!

“I think he will. You know, Grumbles, that would be one too much to handle. That would be the one, that would break me! Because…I love him…well, at least…guess so! But…there’s no way to avoid it: he’ll betray us as well, just like all the others did!”

No reply!

“My God, Grumbles, can you say something back, only once in your life?”

Grumbles was non-compliant…as always!

“Dumb animal”, Dominic uttered under his breath.

He stared back to the sky: it was kind of threatening, with all these huge black clouds.

His mood sank again…he looked into the mug, emptied it apart from the last bit and took the small yellow envelop. He opened it, curious what he might find. It were five bright orange pills.

“So…”, he mumbled, “These will make me really feel good? I really wonder! Let me try one!”

He popped the pill and washed him away with the remaining cocoa.

Impatiently he waited…initially nothing happened. Even worse, for what he felt as a long time nothing happened at all:

“Goddamn, the motherfucker buggered me for a hundred-and-twenty!” he cried out angry.

But he was wrong: after a little over half an hour it started to work. He saw things…he saw things that couldn’t be there in reality! The darkness outside cleared…no…not the clouds… they remained where they were, at the lower rim of his vision…but his mental eye was very convincing and true: over and beyond the threatening rain clouds the sky cleared to a soft pink-orange evening red, through which several winged and blinding white gorgeous and sweet creatures with long flowing golden hair crisscrossed at will, drawing pearl-hued trails behind them, that faded after some seconds at the their ends.

“Wow…how beautiful…my favorite sky!” he slurred.

He thoroughly enjoyed the imaginary vista. He took Grumbles in his arms and softly he whispered in the plush ear:

“You see that, Grumbles…that is the place where freedom is! Just look at it! And those winged god-like people…they already found their freedom. I want to become one of them and fly with them…ain’t that a great idea, Grumbles?”

Gone were the memories of the supposed betrayal…no longer was Monika Moller a part of his present world, nor were all the other cynics, that only depreciated and hurt him and there were no longer any zombies left…The threat of Tobi’s betrayal, that had hung over his head, evaporated in the pink-orange evening sky. There were only he, Grumbles and the luringly beckoning, heavenly sky behind the contrasting black clouds.

He floated away in his blissful condition, dreaming of freedom, of being without pain and sadness and about how to achieve the impossible: reaching the unattainable goal by dancing over the dark clouds.

“I feel like dancing”, he mumbled, “I want to dance over the clouds, Grumbles!”

There was only one annoying and disturbing factor in his happiness…that buzzing sound… what was it?

Dazed, he looked around and finally found the cause: it was his handy, that lay buzzing on the coffee table. He stared at the screen and only understood what this was all about after a few minutes: it was Tobi.

 

Tobi’s mood went rock bottom within a matter of seconds. He cursed with all of his heart when he heard the message over the station’s loudspeakers. His intercity was cancelled due to technical problems, courtesy German railroads. Which meant he had to wait another hour.

It was not the waiting itself, but it made him anxious to know that Dominic would grow restless and upset, since he was expected at home at a certain time, give or take a few minutes. But a full hour might be too much for his boyfriend and he might become really fidgety from that.

Tobi walked to the station’s restaurant to get himself a coffee to kill some time in a warm environment instead of on a drafty station platform. Once he sat, he drew his handy and pressed Dominic’s number.

“Hi”, a cheerful voice came through the small loudspeaker.

“Hi, sweetheart”, he replied, “I’ve got me a problem over here. The railroad company cancelled my train so I must wait for another hour. Just wanted to let you know, so that you won’t become afraid. I’m just an hour late”.

“Doesn’t matter”, he heard Dominic say, “I’ll manage!”

“You’re sure?” Tobi asked somewhat teasing.

“Guess so!”

The connection was too bad for Tobi to recognize the slight slur in Dominic’s speech, so he just asked to chat a bit:

“What beautiful things are you doing?”

“Not much…just staring outside, enjoying the twilight. Hihi…and I feel like dancing!”

“Great”, Tobi reacted, “Then put on some music and dance, honey!”

“Guess so”

“OK, see you later, sweetheart. Don’t you worry: I’m late but I’ll be there. I wouldn’t know how to live without you. Kiss!”

“Guess so”.

After a brief hesitation the last word came:

“Kiss!”

Sighing in relief Tobi ended the call. Was he worrying too much? Did Dominic’s condition really improve? Was his delay no longer a problem?

“Oh well”, he muttered in himself, “He’s having fun, it seems. So, he’s feeling great. No reason to worry!”

With a satisfied smile he took his first sip of coffee, unaware that he had missed a very important signal: by now twilight had gone and it would be equally dark in Berlin as it was right here in Hanover!

 

With rapidly decreasing light making seeing something very hard, Dominic switched on the table lamp beside the couch and threw the handy back on the coffee table. Then he rose and walked somewhat curling to the stereo.

He took a cd, switched the set on and after pushing the ‘play’ button he turned the volume control fully open, filling not only the living room but the whole apartment with the thumping beat of the dance music, that loud, that Nora voluntarily evacuated to the bedroom.

Dominic slumped back in the couch and stared outside through the large window with a kind of empty, absent gaze and a funny, somewhat deranged grin on his face. Despite the interruption by Tobi’s call, he still saw the rims of the dark clouds contrasting with the pink-orange sky beyond it and he continued to be fascinated by the overwhelming sight. It was, as if it was a living creature, that radiated a powerful, almost physical attraction, drawing him in like the magnets of Martha’s eyes, against whose temptation he proved to be defenseless and without a will of his own. And again, he was defenseless, but now against a much larger incentive of incomprehensible powers.

“I want to dance!” he muttered with a soft, drawling voice.

He rose and started to dance to the loud music, initially making awkward movements. But gradually he got in the right groove and he danced as he had always done, in better days, in other times, multiplying the trance from the psychedelic night sky, that was already governing his mind.

“I…wanna…dance…, Grumbles!” he repeated almost continuously while he tried to follow the rousing beat.

But over time the chant he uttered again and again, increased, becoming:

“I…wanna…dance…into freedom! I want to fly through the evening sky!”

He grabbed Grumbles from the couch, took the huge bear in his arms, crying out elatedly:

“Dance with me, Grumbles!”

Grumbles danced…well, kind of, that is…but what else could he do?

Dominic’s hollow eyes stared into the bear’s glass bead eyes with something akin to real love when he stammered incoherently:

“You like dancing, Grum…bles? Let, …what was it what I wanted to say…eeuhhh… oh…yeah…let us dance into freedom, Grumbles. Let us celebrate our freedom with these other lucky ones!”

Only to let it follow with an ominous sounding giggle.

The doorbell rang but Dominic was so encapsulated in his bizarre world, that his ears didn’t register the tiny disturbance. Accompanied by the pounding bass beats of the dance music the boy and the bear danced through the room under the sparse lighting of a single table lamp, that casted their shadows on the walls. Outside the expected rain had started to pour down, driven by a gusty western wind, making the drops impacting audibly on the window panes. It was an almost ghostly spectacle!

But the spookiness only increased, when the next distorted thought came up in Dominic’s constellation of surreal images and vague dreams.

“Grumbles….”, he muttered with renewed vigor, “Shall we dance over the thunderclouds and go to freedom? What do you think? Isn’t that a marvelous idea?”

Grumbles didn’t reply…thank God he didn’t. But it didn’t bother Dominic who continued to dream about a universe, where Salvation reigned, a cosmos that was free of the horrors of his life.

“Come on, Grumbles”, he pressed the matter, as if that made any sense, “I think it is a great idea…we could stay together, both be happy…we only have to dance over the thunderclouds. Hey, that’s just a piece of cake!”

Grumbles’ opinion was pointedly ignored. Dominic just grabbed the bear tighter and danced towards the balcony door. Still holding the plush animal with one hand, he opened the door with the other. Immediately gusts of rain were blown into the living room, hitting Dominic flatly in the face and on his whole body. He didn’t even notice it!

Dancing on, he dragged the bear with him. As soon as he stepped out on the balcony, the wind hit him with full power and his t-shirt was soaked in a matter of seconds, but he remained impervious to all weather conditions. It was exclusively his own mind, that played the main role in the ensuing drama. He put the bear with its back against the balcony’s balustrade. He kept dancing and he kept dreaming of something, that for any normal thinking person was out of reach. However, there was no doubt in his mind, not any longer: there, right in front of his eyes, dawned freedom! To get there…:

“How did I call that, Grumbles? Something like…oh yeah…just a piece of cake!”

Clumsily he started to climb over the balustrade, hindered by the winds and the incessantly falling rain, that dripped in his eyes and obstructed his vision. But finally, he managed to get over, sticking his feet in the narrow split between the balustrade and the balcony’s floor and holding tight on the railing with his right hand.

Although he was a slender kid, he managed to pull Grumbles over the balustrade using his free left hand, an almost super-human exertion for a boy his size and strength. He held on to the bear for dear life with his left arm, the other hand still clamping around the railing.

“Don’t be afraid, Grumbles”, he spoke with a high-pitched voice, that drawled even more than earlier that evening, “I know I’m a good dancer. I know I can get over the thunderclouds. We’ll make it to freedom”.

He uttered a high, unreal giggle,…a bloodcurdling giggle, then cried out:

“Let’s dance over the thunderclouds, Grumbles! Let’s go to where freedom is!”

Blinded by his own mad quest for another life with at least some happiness and not only consisting of misery, unbearable hurt, ever-present tiredness, crushing emptiness, the many painful rejections and the wicked sorcerer, he let his right-hand slip from the railing and both plunged down in the depths, ending on the wet surface of a non-descript Berlin street!

Lying there, Dominic’s left hand still held one of the front paws of his sole beloved, loyal, but nothing more than an only plush friend!

 

Bad tempered Tobi walked into the building’s hall. The train, that he could finally take, had fifteen minutes delay itself, increasing his coming home-time by not just the anticipated hour but to more wasted time. Dominic could well be out of his self from that.

He pressed the elevator button but was surprised when the door opened immediately. An elderly man, whom he recognized as living on his own floor, walked out, his face in an angry expression.

“Wait a minute, young man”, the geezer snarled, “A word please!”

Surprised and confused Tobi waited, not understanding what this was all about.

“I don’t know what your young friend thinks he is doing, but please remind him, that we’re not having a disco in this building”, the man said.

Without waiting for an answer, the man paced away towards the exit with large, heated steps. Tobi stared after him, having no idea what the oldtimer was talking about in the first place. The only thing that annoyed him at this moment was, that in the meantime the elevator had gone up again, so he had to wait for another few minutes before he could step in to go to his own floor.

By the time he reached it and stepped out of the elevator, he knew what the old man was talking about: loud, thumping music echoed over the corridor, clearly emanating from his apartment.

“My God, Dominic…what are you doing?” he muttered, shaking his head in disbelief.

He walked to his own door, opened it with his key and stepped inside. He found the living in almost complete darkness. Only the table lamp beside the couch was switched on. The music was deafening, the volume was hardly bearable. He hurried to the stereo and switched it off, inhaling in relief when peace settled back again.

Only then he noticed a funny draft in the living room…no, not just a draft, but a kind of blast. He turned around to look for its source, only to find the balcony door wide open, seeing in disgust, how the curtains fluttered inward and how the rain gushed in. Rapidly he closed the door, shaking his head again, when he saw how his carpet was completely soaked.

“Damned, Dominic…what is this?” he cried out.

But no matter where he looked, Dominic was not there. He searched the bedroom…he looked in the bathroom…there was no Dominic.

An inauspicious feeling came over him when he stammered:

“Where…is he? What is going on here?”

He pulled his handy from his coat pocket and pushed the pre-select with Dominic’s number. But it didn’t work out the way he wanted it: the only thing he heard was another phone buzzing in the living room. He turned around and with horror in his eye he saw it lying on the coffee table.

“Damned, that ain’t working neither”, he cried out with a feeling of rapidly exploding worries, “My God, what is going on?”

He searched the apartment another time, as if this would produce the missing Dominic, but it didn’t. He switched on some more light and frantically tried to find an answer to the overruling question: where was his boyfriend?

And then…the doorbell rang!

He blew out the air in relief and a huge smile came on his face when he said:

“Ah, I got the picture! Little dumbo, you went out and forgot to take the key with you. OK, I’ll let you in. You must be completely wet!”.

With a grin he walked to the door and opened it. However, the grin was gone in an instant: standing in front of the door were two policemen!

“Good evening”, the eldest of the two spoke, “Do you happen to know a Dominic?”

Fear surged through all of Tobi’s body. He gasped for air and was hardly able to ask:

“What is happening? Where is he? Is he all right?”

The uniformed duo looked meaningful at one another and then the eldest said:

“Shall we talk about that inside? I think that is better!”

 

The atmosphere was quiet and filled with pietism. A man in a discrete grey suit welcomed Tobi and his accompaniment. It was his twin sister, the only one in the family who had not cut all ties the day he choose to come out as homosexual, and who now had come with him to provide much-needed moral support as the only one, who was prepared to do so.

She bore testimony of the once beautiful face Tobi had, before that dreadful day of the acid attack came. But even the horror of that day paled with what had gone through his heart and soul during the past few days and what made him still suffering, until this very moment: he had lost the one he had loved the most in all of his life!

Yes, it had been relatively brief, it had been troublesome but it had also been an extremely intense feeling of love, gratifying and satisfying. And it was this intensity, that had made it worthwhile and that had made his brief affair with Dominic the love of his life!

The man in grey guided them into a little room and then withdrew respectfully. It was in this room with dimmed light, that Tobi faced the harsh reality.

In front of his eye was Dominic, placed on the bier in his dark-brown wooden coffin. Tobi could only muster one conscious thought: he admired the way the funeral home staff had succeeded in erasing all visible facial wounds on the boy’s face, since it looked like a virgin. But for the rest he was simply overwhelmed by his emotions and wept without any shame.

And he studied the boy like he was at that particular grievous moment. Dominic’s face expressed, that he had found peace at last in his death. The face was serene, like it had been when he had been sleeping in the hospital. And the smile on his lips was so angelic, the same angelicity Tobi remembered from these same evenings. His upper body was dressed in a yellow t-shirt with over it a multi-colored kimono style blouse. The rest of the body was hidden by a shroud. Tobi burned the image in his memory, pleading to never forget this grief-stricken but nevertheless wonderful sight.

He felt how his twin sister held him tight and heard how she softly said:

“I can understand why you fell in love with him. He is such a beautiful boy”.

“And a very sweet boy”, Tobi replied in a whisper, “But for some reason everybody else choose to ignore that and turned their backs on him!”

“You didn’t, Tobi”, she spoke comfortingly.

“No…but it wasn’t sufficient, at least so it seems to me at this moment”.

“Don’t blame yourself”, she reacted with a somewhat choking voice, “I’m certain you did all you could and maybe even more than that. But some things are so deeply rooted, that they can’t be solved”.

Tobi only sighed…he couldn’t find anything that was worth saying.

“You want to say goodbye to him?” his sister asked.

Tobi only nodded.

“OK”, she said, “Then you do so and take your time. I won’t play the eavesdropper. I’ll be right there at the door in case you need me”.

Tobi took a chair and placed it next to the bier. He sat down and bent over the coffin. After another cherishing look, he spoke extremely soft, almost as if he was afraid to wake Dominic up from his deep slumber:

“Sweetheart…you break my heart! But in a way, I can understand it and I really don’t blame you for doing this. And despite that, it hurts so much! But I want you to know…I love you! I’m intensely grateful for our short, intense, not always easy and wonderful time together. And maybe most of all for the only beautiful night we had in Italy, that night that you gave to me as your most personal, intimate gift, the moment when we were so near to each other as we had never been before. I will never forget that”.

He sighed and sobbed, wiped some tears away and continue:

“Your fight is over for ever now. Frisk free in the lush grasses of the Lands over the Rainbow, Bunny, and rejoice in the freedom you were looking for. As far as the world down here is concerned: forget all of it and take a good rest from that. But know I will always miss you”.

He rose and bent deeper over the coffin. Then he kissed the cold forehead, followed by both the closed eyes and ending with the icy lips.

“Rest, my sweet little Bunny…rest! I will never forget you. I love you!”

Then he broke…with shocking shoulders he took refuge in his sister’s caring and protective arms. Holding him tightly, she asked:

“Have you said all you wanted to say? You didn’t forget anything?”

Tobi shook his head in silence.

“Then let us go home now”, she gently suggested.

Carefully and delicately, she guided him out of the room. A second before he left it, he casted a last glance on what had been the beautiful boy he had loved so dearly.

The man in grey respectfully nodded his goodbyes. As soon as the two were out of sight, he looked at his watch and sighed:

“My God, I thought they would never go. Oh well, let me wrap up this one to have him ready for tomorrow’s incineration”.

He entered the room, took the coffin’s lid from behind a curtain and laid it on the coffin. Then he sealed the whole with the self-locking bolts.

With a bored look he stared at his watch again and muttered:

“Time to go home now!”

He switched off the light and walked to the exit.

The man’s last action of his working day sealed Bunny’s fate: the nickname would fade into oblivion in the coming weeks.

Bunny had become another nondescript and unacknowledged part of the past!

 

Postscript

 

When I developed this raw and poignant story, I was very well aware that it would be controversial. It touches a subject, that most people don’t want to read about or that even identifies their own attitude towards people with a mental disorder, which may have the effect of an unpleasant confrontation with oneself.

My premonition proved to be correct: some of you criticized it harshly as “sickening”, others as “genial” and everything in between.

It was never my intention to insult my readers or to hurt their feelings. But it was my intention to draw your attention to that terrible and devastating mental disorder, that an increasing number of young people suffer from and that is called Borderline Personality Disorder or abbreviated BPD. And I consciously chose to write it down in the most painful and distressing way imaginable to let you feel the full impact of it. As a matter of fact, I even mitigated the disastrous effects on these young people, because their everyday reality is even harsher and crueler than I described and much more gruesome than you can imagine.

 

I’m not a reader number fetishist. However, I do believe in an artist’s obligation to stand up for the things he believes in and that is what I did. And yes, there is a personal aspect as well.

I know this one kid, who has the terrible misfortune of being a “bordie” and I decided to try to support him in any way I can. If you are considering to do the same, let me warn you: it demands a lot from you, it is extremely difficult and it is hard work, very hard work!

But when I hear him laughing spontaneously and uninhibited, then I see the first traces of what he will be after a tedious and intensive therapy: a happy, wonderful boy! And reaching that long term fulfillment is my personal goal in doing all this.

 

For those who managed to read it to the end: thank you for your patience and resilience. For those who stopped after the first chapter: I don’t blame you, but maybe it is worth to reconsider your decision.

Love

GdH