Maddog & The Pope (Learning to fly on Broken Wings) - 13. Chapter 13 The Way Things Went

Niki was on his way downtown from the nursery school where he had painted the fairytale wall. He had received payment for the job and was pleased: it was a nice sum! And the best part was: he already had his next commission in his pocket!

“What other people’s jealousy can bring!” he thought with a grin.

When the principal of another school had heard about the wall painting she wanted the same kind of decoration for her building.

“But not the same,” she had insisted.

After looking around Niki had said:

“No, of course not. How about something with cute flying dragons and stuff like that?”

“Oh yes,” the lady had cooed overjoyed. “My little ones will love that!”

Niki had problems with holding back his laughter. The only dragon in his oeuvre was not exactly the kind of figure “the little ones would love.” On the contrary, it was bound to cause a lot of anxious crying and nightmares.

Since the project was financed by the City Council money was no problem, so he started a new job only a day after he had been paid for the previous one.

He glanced at his watch, he was too early for his next appointment, so when he passed one of the many parks in the city, it gave him the idea to take a break and think over their present situation, which was now much more positive as than it had been. Even the controversy over his cathedral painting had settled down without any negative repercussions. He sat down on a bench and started making some mental calculations. He didn’t consider himself a whizz kid at that, but in case he lost track of all the digits his smartphone had a calculator.

When he finished his arithmetic he had reason to be satisfied. As matter of fact they were doing great: the combined wages of Inno and his, plus the extra income from the paid art jobs gave them more than they had when they were living together out of his old man’s pocket. He knew that was not completely true because now they had to pay the rent themselves and he no longer had the limitless company-registered credit card available, but compared with the first months of their living together on their own wings, things certainly looked bright.

There was only one thing that worried him, but it had nothing to do with money. It was as if that ‘thing in his mind,’ that ‘muse’ or whatever he chose to call it, was on holiday for a while. Since his last ‘Maddog’ on the cathedral’s door he didn’t have a single new idea. It looked very much like another artistic block.

When he complained about it to Inno the only reaction he got was:

“Don’t you worry, angel. You’re not an art machine. Something will pop up, most likely at a moment when you don’t expect it.”

He accepted the reaction, because deep in his heart he knew Inno was right, as always!

Another glance at his watch told him it was time to get moving again. He wanted to be on time for his next appointment with the hair stylist.

They had discussed it the evening before, knowing that a considerable sum of money would come in today. Niki wanted a change, he had had his present haircut since the days he lived in Hamburg and he was simply fed up with it! He wanted something else, if he was lucky something that would contribute to his aim of getting on the threshold of male and female. Only problem was, he had no idea in the world what he actually wanted or how it should look in reality!

Whistling he walked into the hair style shop. The regular girl that served him most of the time saw him coming and greeted him cheerfully with a blinding smile.

“Hi there. It’s been some time. Same thing, I guess?

“No!” Niki answered decidedly.

“OK… what do you want to have then?” she asked, somewhat taken aback.

With a sheepish grin on his face Niki muttered:

“I don’t know. I hoped you might have some ideas.”

The girl grinned and replied:

“I’ve got stacks of ideas. I’ve got books full of them. You want to take a look?”

Niki nodded, took his cup of tea and sat down at the low table where the model books were. Patiently he browsed through a stack of books, looked at countless pictures, but rejected almost all possibilities with only some being dubbed “maybe.” He started to feel a bit hopeless. In front of him was the last book, the only one he hadn’t seen yet. With a sigh he opened it and started to leaf through the pages until he found what he wanted!

“This is what I want!” he exclaimed enthusiastically.

The hair style girl looked at the picture, then at him, then back to the picture and with an astonished expression on her face she asked:

“Are you sure?”

He nodded. The girl made a gesture towards the hairdressing chair. Once Niki was seated, she started working.

It took her the better part of two hours. Layer after layer was carefully formed and modelled, but finally she looked from behind him into the mirror and with a joyous voice she exclaimed:

“Voila!”

Niki stared into the mirror hardly able to recognize himself. But in the end a glorious smile appeared on his face. He muttered with glistening eyes:

“This is absolutely legit! This is what I wanted!”

It looked like the proverbial tousle with hair picks sticking out in all directions: up, down, forward, to the rear, to the left and right. But at closer examination each pick originated from another layer, showing the girl’s craftsmanship in hair styling. Here and there extra accentuation was made by lightly coloring some picks. But what pleased Niki the most: it made him almost look girl-like!

The girl seemed to concur, because with a giggle she said:

“It’s hard to say now if you are a boy or a girl!”

Niki’s smile disappeared as if thunderstruck, his eyes grew cold and he looked at the girl in the large mirror. With an acid tone in his voice he said:

“Does that matter?”

“No compromises! The time for them is over!”

The girl muttered some kind of apology, confused as she was about what she had said, which had apparently offended this regular and normally easy-going client. Niki observed her reaction in the mirror, relaxed a bit and in a reconciliatory way he said:

“This is me! That is what matters!”

After he paid a staggering sum of money, he walked home. He was pleased with how he looked now, he had broken the rules, had found the ultimate way to express his gender identity with his appearance. Some people stared at him and snickered, but he couldn’t care less about their ignorance. He felt completely confident and the views of the narrow-minded didn’t bother him. But he was pretty anxious about what Inno’s reaction would be to his metamorphosis.

He didn’t have to wait long for that. As soon as he closed the apartment door with his usual “Hi, sweetheart, I’m back” he heard an excited voice from the living room call out:

“I’m dying of curiosity to find out how you look!”

Seconds later Inno ran into the hallway, only to stop in his tracks, standing as if rooted to the ground. His mouth sagged open, his eyes were large in utter wonderment. But gradually the eyes changed, first in a kind of amused observation before they finally turned into honest admiration. Breathless he muttered:

“You have found yourself!”

“Wha…What?” Niki stammered, at a loss as to what Inno meant.

Inno put his arms around Niki’s neck, kissed him and whispered:

“You have found yourself! You have found the perfect dividing line between boy and girl. You did it. You succeeded in showing who you really are in the way you look. And you know, you look beautiful… even adorable. You look so… girlish… without actually being a girl.”

He giggled when he added:

“And it has an extra advantage! If I turn straight, I can still be in love with you… You know, angel… the way you look gives me very funny urges!”

“Damned, honey,” Niki grinned. “You’re turning into a sex addict.”

“Maybe, but only after you made me one,” Inno whispered hot in his ear.

Then he released his embrace and most casually he said:

“But not now… dinner is almost ready. Will spaghetti suit you, cute angel?”

“If you made it… yes!” Niki chuckled.

“Siciliano, no?” was the sole reaction, given with a radiant smile.

When Inno walked back to the kitchen counter he said over his shoulder with complete indifference:

“I guess that by now I’m grown up enough to control my urges until after dinner.”

The way it was said gave Niki a pretty good idea what dessert would be served. One thing was certain: there would be lots of cream in it!

 

No matter how anyone tries to avoid such a fate, every living soul at some point arrives at a moment on when one perceives life has become some routine. Niki and Inno were no exception to that ancient iron rule, but in their case the routine was not any kind of drab boredom.

They didn’t degenerate into twenty-first century zombies, their love remained sparkling and vivid, they still discovered characteristics and traits in each other that required assimilation in their relationship. Their lovemaking remained passionate and investigative, exploring each other’s still undisclosed physical pleasures and limitations at every opportunity. Both also loved their jobs, learning new things almost by the day. But even happiness can turn into routine.

On the first working day after his visit to the hair stylist Niki was somewhat apprehensive when he was about to enter his employer’s little shop. He had no idea in the world how Peter would react to his new coiffure. He need not have worried. Peter’s reaction was, moderate is probably the best word. As soon as his young employee entered the shop, a large grin came over the man’s face, a grin that stayed where it was while he looked at the headdress creation from all angles. Niki noticed he flushed, but Peter ignored it, just shifting his relative position to Niki’s body taking time to study another sector of the tousle.

“You… you… like it?” Niki asked shyly.

The grin was still on Peter’s face when he replied with a neutral voice:

“Let us call it… distinct… special!”

He carefully left it open as to whether or not this was meant to be positive or negative, but it didn’t really matter. There was no derision, no ridiculing, no embargo or order to change it back to how it was. The man accepted it as being part of his somewhat unusual but very capable employee, and that last aspect was the only thing that interested him, not how the kid looked.

 

And there was this one other thing that alleviated the routine somewhat: it looked as if Niki’s ‘muse’ was ‘back in town,’ and engaged him into a mental discussion with himself for another time.

One evening, with Inno at work, the first vague hunch came into his head again. ‘She’ or ‘he’ always did that, whispering when Inno was not at home.

“Light gray, dark gray,” it whispered.

It irritated him, not that the voice was there again, but the vague things it said, things he experienced as what could be called an insult.

“You’re not suggesting I’m one of them grey mice, are you?” he growled.

The tiny voice laughed and whispered:

“No, don’t you worry about a thing! I can’t imagine that the two of you will ever grow into grey mice: a girlish boy…or a boyish girl…and his hot-blooded Sicilian stallion lover! No, I meant… contrast.”

“Contrast?” Niki muttered.

“Face… contrast!” the ‘muse’ continued enigmatically.

Niki thought it over. He knew he was on to something, on the germs of a new, real ‘Maddog’, but somehow he didn’t understand the thought’s encryption, so he said:

“I really can’t understand what you are getting at!”

“Study your own face…,” the voice explained. “Look for contrast… light grey/dark grey, black/white… boy/girl! You’ll see what I mean….”

He was wondering why he followed this advice from some voice in his head, but he did anyway, despite his misgivings. First, he made a selfie of how he looked right now, then he switched on his laptop to study older pictures.

He was still fully immersed in that when Inno came home from work.

“Hi honey,” his boyfriend called out, kissing him gently in the neck. “What are you doing?”

“Studying pictures,” he muttered.

“Of yourself?” Inno wanted to know somewhat worried. “We’re not turning narcist, are we?”

“No, don’t you worry. There was just this idea in my head for a ‘Maddog’. That is, I’m not sure it was my idea. Something in me whispered it. It’s happened before.”

“I told you so,” Inno smiled. “It comes at an unexpected moment. Sorry, angel, I’m going to take a shower and then in bed early. I’m damned tired.”

With Inno gone off to his shower Niki continued his studying:

“Face… contrast… black/white… boy/girl… what does it mean?”

It took him another few minutes, but then he exclaimed:

“Of course! I see what you mean… thank you again, my muse.”

He jumped up and searched for his sketch block, but no matter where he looked, he couldn’t find it. He walked into the bathroom, stuck his head around the door and asked:

“Honey, have you seen my sketch block?”

“Yeah, it’s in the top drawer. The thing was always kicking around on the table. When I started to get irritated by it, I stowed it in the drawer, angel.”

“Sorry about that!” Niki said with a malleable grin on his face. He was just about to walk back to get the block when Inno called out:

“Before you have to come back to ask where your charcoal is, it’s in the second drawer! And, angel, stow it away when you don’t need it any longer!”

“Sure, mom,” Niki grinned, rolling his eyes.

He took sketch block and charcoal and started working. In a few hours he had the concept ready, now it was only a matter of refining it.

“Yeah… another Maddog… puzzling and causing controversy,” he muttered.

After throwing sketch block and charcoals on the table, again forgetting to put them away, he switched off the lights. With a smile of satisfaction he walked to the bedroom. It was time for bed. Tomorrow it was another early day.

 

No matter the kind of routine, all of them are prone to breaking at the most unforeseen moments and in the most unlooked-for ways. And exactly this happened to Inno and more specifically, to Niki.

In their case the interference came during a quiet evening at home. Niki was working on his newest design and Inno read some nursing manual for his upcoming test. Then the doorbell rang.

Both looked up annoyed, with Inno murmuring:

“Are you expecting someone?”

“No,” Niki reacted curtly. “You?”

“Nope,” Inno said with a sigh. “But I’ll take a look who it is.”

He rose, walked into the hallway, and opened the front door. Standing there was a man in his mid-thirties with a slightly pot belly and hair, which had already started to thin out. Inno found his impeccable suit pretty amusing. Everybody in their circle of friends would shame himself to death to be seen in such fancy attire.

“Good evening,” the stranger said, “is Niki at home?”

“Yeah, he is,” Inno replied somewhat suspicious, “but maybe it is a good idea if you tell me who you are.”

“I’m Dmitri,” the man said, “his brother.”

This announcement did nothing to minimize Inno’s distrust, quite the contrary: it only got bigger. When he looked at the man more closely, he couldn’t find any similarities whatsoever between him and his Niki, it didn’t seem possible, not by any stretch of the imagination. But there seemed to be nothing else to do then yell in the direction of the living room:

“Niki, there’s some geezer over here who claims he’s your brother.”

It caused a very swift reaction. Niki ran into the hallway, looked at the man in the doorway with bewildered eyes and cried out:

“Dima? What are you doing here?”

The man, now identified without any doubt as Niki’s brother, looked equally dumbfounded when he saw Niki, his eyes large in shock and his face perplexed, when he stammered:

“Niki… is.. is.. is that you? My God, don’t tell me it is true! Tell me my eyes deceive me!”

A sarcastic smile slid over Niki’s face.

“Yep, it’s me. You like it?”

But he turned sharp and business-like when he added:

“Don’t tell me you drove three hours only to disapprove of the way I look, because I won’t buy it. Besides, I don’t care about your disapproval.”

“No,” Dmitri said, feeling visibly awkward and embarrassed, “I have to talk to you… about something important. At least, in my view something important.”

Dmitri looked stealthily at Inno, but not carefully enough that Niki didn’t see it, He stretched out his hand to grab Inno’s.

“If you want to talk to me, you’ll have to talk to the two of us. I have no secrets from Inno.”

It didn’t matter if Dmitri liked it or not, he knew he had to accept the given situation and muttered:

“Fair enough.”

“Then come in,” Niki said. “You could have called to say you were coming.”

“No, I couldn’t, little bro,” Dmitri said somewhat annoyed. “Since you decided to take the company SIM card out of your smartphone, I didn’t have your number. You more or less vanished from the Earth’s surface.”

“Then how did you find us?” Inno asked in surprise.

“It took me four weeks to find you. I had to use a lot of official channels, but given the circumstances that was possible.”

“What circumstances?” Niki asked curious.

“Let’s just sit down, OK?” Dmitri said.

“Yeah,” Inno agreed, “I’ll make tea.”

Niki sat down on the couch, keeping the place next to him free for Inno, Dmitri took the chair the other side of the table, shuffling uncomfortably. An extremely tense silence hung in the room. Once tea was ready and served and with Inno sitting next to him, Niki said:

“Well, I’m listening!”

Dmitri nodded thoughtfully and after another deep sigh he started hesitantly:

“Let me start with telling you dad died. He had two heart attacks within a few hours and he didn’t make it through the second.”

“Pretty shitty situation for him,” Niki said with an indifferent shrug. “But don’t expect me to come to the funeral.”

“After all what has happened, I can understand your point of view,” Dmitri said. “Anyway, you can’t come to the funeral. It has already taken place.”

“Ah,” Niki grinned cynically, “you guys forgot to invite me another time?”

“We couldn’t,” Dmitri growled somewhat irritated, “we didn’t know where you were. Maybe you can remember I told you a few minutes ago I needed four weeks to find you. And for your information, you can’t postpone a funeral for four weeks.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Niki muttered somewhat ashamed. “Sorry about that.”

Dmitri accepted the apology with a nod and continued:

“Now, in the hours before he died, I was with him in the hospital.”

“Only you?” Niki asked. “Where was mom?”

“Our dear mother didn’t bother to be there because it might have jeopardized her booked wellness week in some fancy beauty farm,” was the cold reply.

“The damned bitch!” Niki flared up.

“It is one of the few moments where I concur with you,” Dmitri said, “but even this has a very deep reason, as I found out.”

Niki said nothing, but his eyes made the message clear: he demanded to know this deep reason!

Dmitri took the point:

“In those hours before he died I had a long talk with him. That is, he did the talking, I only listened. And I listened with increasing disbelief, anger, despair and in the end even horror. I heard things I didn’t think possible. Actually, I was so stunned I was glad I needed four weeks to find you, because it gave me time to understand things myself. Anyway, almost at the end of his long story, just before he died, he asked me, rather, typically in his way, ordered me to tell you this history.”

“Well,” Niki growled, “he even wants to bash me after he has died. Man, he really hated me.”

Inno laid his hand on Niki’s.

“Angel, don’t jump to conclusions that fast. Let’s wait and hear what Dmitri has to tell you. Maybe it isn’t that bad,” he said gently.

Niki nodded in resignation. He knew it Inno was right!

Dmitri took the cue, saying:

“Let me begin by telling you there are certain practical circumstances I can vaguely remember, but I never knew the background of it all until he told me.”

Noting that his brother was clearly beating around the bush for reasons he couldn’t understand, Niki said:

“But what is it all about? Tell me!”

“I’m not sure you will like what you’re about to hear,” Dmitri said, “but it is about…,” he swallowed, took a deep breath,

“About you!”

With serious misgivings Niki lowered his eyes, but he didn’t expect what he was about to hear. It surpassed his worst premonitions.

Dmitri started his story:

“I remember that I was about eleven, when dad had to go on some business trip to Moscow, some photography professional convention. But I only learned what happened there when he told me before his death. He met some lady there, a professional photographer from one of the southern republics. He told me she was a real beauty and a charming personality. Now, dad was an avid tennis player and so was she, so after working hours they played a game of tennis. But somehow, they ended up in bed. And there dad proved he was a real great tennis player by settling the match with one service, when he hit an ace.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Niki asked.

“It… means, that… he made you,” Dmitri stammered.

“But…,” Niki wanted to know, not grasping the meaning right away, “what about mom?”

“I’ll come to that,” Dmitri replied. “Anyway… the lady became pregnant and dad returned home, only finding out about her pregnancy later when she started pestering him for money for medical expenses and the like. Dad did a paternity test, but once it was clear that he was the father, he paid… he had to, otherwise he had a huge problem with mom, as you can imagine.”

By now Niki was too staggered to say anything. Tears welled up in his eyes.

“It turned out that when you were born, the lady decided you didn’t fit in with her life and career planning, so she, my God, how do I say this?”

“Just say it!” Niki growled.

“Well, if you insist, she simply dumped you in some orphanage,” Dimitri stammered with a deep, grief-stricken sigh. “There’s no other way to describe it. Dad found out after a few weeks, when he called her to inquire about you and she told him casually, completely cold and without a trace of emotion, that ‘she got rid of you.’ He was furious, he couldn’t accept it. You can say about his personality whatever you want, but he refused to accept that one of his offspring, no matter how illegitimate, had to languish in some Russian orphanage without any hope. So, he decided to get you out of there and take you to Germany.”

The room fell silent, each of them lost in his own thoughts and emotions. Then Dmitri continued:

“But, as was to be expected, he had an unsolvable problem with mom. I was twelve at that time and I remember the atmosphere at home was turning into a battlefield between them. Although I certainly didn’t understand all of it. He had to confess his adultery to her. They had several fierce fights and mom wanted a divorce. In those days they started to sleep separately.”

He wiped his hand over his eyes, as if this memory was too harsh, even for him. But he recovered and continued:

“He told me he could avoid a divorce for us children’s sake, me and Natasha. They had some very heavy fights and tough negotiations, that resulted in some kind of agreement. Mom would sign the adoption papers, so she could legally be your stepmother and she would provide you with the most basic care, that you had to eat, clean clothes, those kind of things. For the rest she didn’t want to have anything to do with you. In return dad would finance her wealthy life style until her dying day. It was purely a business transaction. But it didn’t work out that well, because it didn’t cover that mom hated your guts. For her, you were the living proof of her husband’s adultery, you were the cause of her wrecked marriage and, on top of that, she had to accept that you lived under the same roof with her, which she found unbearable. Besides: she hated dad as well since then, you weren’t the only one she hated.”

Dmitri took a sip of tea and continued with the next part of the story:

“One day dad told us over dinner, that he and mom had to go away for a few days but that babushka would come to take care of us. We children were delighted… it promised to be fun. Granny was a real sweet woman. You would have loved her and I’m sure she would have loved you and would have supported you out-and-out. But unfortunately, she died two months after you came. Since that talk with dad, I know, that mom had a good time in some beauty resort and that dad flew to Russia to settle the legal side and get you out of that orphanage. After that he took the first flight back to Hamburg, you on the chair next to him in a Maxi-Cosey. And after a few days he and mom returned home with you in the same Maxi-Cosey. They told us you were our new baby-brother, who was named Nikita, in the same way that another person would have told us that he had a new puppy. I was twelve. I didn’t know a thing, but I found it very peculiar that I hadn’t noticed that mom had to be pregnant before that. But who was I to ask awkward and pointed questions?”

Niki swept the tears from his eyes and with a sob he said:

“So, I’m more or less some kind of business trip accident, a bastard, someone who wasn’t supposed to be born in the first place!”

Dmitri stuck up his hand to stop him. Tired, sad and slightly upset he replied:

“Niki, don’t say such things! Don’t do that to yourself and blame yourself for what your father and your biological mother did. Nobody asked you anything at that time. You were just caught up in the slipstream of it.”

“Yeah,” Niki responded in despair. “Some slipstream: I ended up with a biological mother who had no need for me, a stepmother who hated me and a father who hated me as well.”

Niki felt Inno’s arm around his shoulders, then how he bowed his head in the direction of his ear, only to whisper:

“Hush, angel. Never forget, that I am mighty happy that you were born!”

His eyes noticed how Dmitri reacted somewhat cringing at the gesture of support and the subsequent whisper of encouragement, but he decided to ignore it. Inno most certainly didn’t. With eyes smoldering with anger and a voice like ice he said:

“Let me make one thing clear, this is our place and this is my lover. And if I choose to support him after the terrible news you brought him, then I’ll do that. I don’t care if you approve; your approval is your problem, within these four walls our relationship is our problem. I don’t blame you for being the messenger bringing this news, but I demand some respect for our feelings and relationship.”

“I’m sorry…” Dmitri muttered. “Must be purely out of habit… a bad habit on top of that.”

He was rewarded with one of Inno’s disarming smiles.

“Apology accepted!”

There was a long silence which gave them all the chance to recover somewhat, but there was one thing Niki couldn’t understand, making him ask:

“Dima, I’m not saying I’m happy with it, but I can truly understand that mom hated me. But why did dad hate me?”

“Because you were alive!” Dmitri answered. “Dad had a very funny character trait, he was certain he didn’t make mistakes. Everything that went wrong was someone else’s fault. So, by some weird twist of his mind he held you responsible for the situation he ended up in: his marriage broken, a wife who hated him from the bottom of her heart… and on top of that, a little boy who wasn’t exactly the easiest kid in town, especially when you grew older. He totally ignored the fact only he was responsible for that situation. If he hadn’t been thinking with his dick nothing would have happened. Sorry, that was expressed a bit crudely, but factually it is the truth.”

Dmitri paused shortly, then said:

“But no matter how confident he always seemed to be as far as you were concerned, he was torn asunder. He literally used the words ‘I hated and loved him at the same time.’ This dichotomy prevented him from showing he cared for you. Every time he wanted to do that, he was overtaken by his hate, feeling repulsed by the mere presence of you. In the end he turned to showing some kind of love by buying you the most extravagant things, like a sixty thousand euro sports car for an eighteen year old kid, but showing real affection? That was most certainly not his forte! To his way of thinking he saw an extra advantage in throwing money at you. It might do a lot towards keeping his youngest son in check.”

“Yeah, he blackmailed me into obedience. But why did he hate me?” Niki asked almost despairing. “Was I that bad?”

“No,” Dmitri said, “you weren’t the prototype easy kid, but you were not ‘that bad.’ Like I just said, he hated you for the simple reason that you were alive and around. You were the one who reminded him on a daily basis of that one mistake he wanted to forget, or at least ignore. But you didn’t let him forget or ignore it because you were around. However, he worried about you as well, especially when it became clear you were on some artistic path, you know his attitude towards artists, don’t you?”

Niki nodded. He knew all too well.

“The bizarre thing of it all was he didn’t realize it was exactly him who was financing your artistical explorations. He saw you more and more as a wayward, stubborn kid, who was hellbent on achieving his own goals in life, goals that weren’t his. You turned into a youngster who had nothing in common with his father. I guess it was the genetic influence of your biological mother, but does it matter? You were as you were and like you still are, I think. He wanted you to learn something decent, preferably in the company and he made plans for that. The only one who didn’t cooperate was you! In a way you were too wild for him to handle.”

“Oh, I know he considered me an out-of-pocket kid,” Niki snorted disdainfully. “But he never asked himself what caused me to behave that way. That is what bugs me.”

“No, he didn’t, because then he would have had to admit he had made mistakes. That was something he was incapable of doing. It had to be your fault, so he made it your fault. I was an adult by then, Personnel manager in the company. I saw the tension between the two of you rising with each passing day with an explosion imminent and I started to look for a way to get you out of the house, not for his sake, but for yours. So, when you were busted at that railroad yard, you gave me the golden opportunity to do just that, get you away from his overbearing, dominant personality, so that you could build your own life.”

Another sip of the by now cold tea followed before Dmitri continued:

“But, totally unexpected, the explosion came anyway, even when you were hundreds of miles away, when he discovered you were gay.”

“Ah yes, after all my previous wrongdoings the ultimate curse came: I love boys!” Niki exclaimed hatefully.

Dmitri only nodded, thought it over for a second and said:

“Did you know that dad was a Mennonite?”

“Dad religious?” Niki cried out incredulous. “No, I don’t believe a word of it. I never noticed anything religious about him.”

Dmitri shook his head and with a grin he said:

“No, he was not a practicing member. But he was a Mennonite at heart.”

Becoming more serious he continued:

“He was indoctrinated with the Mennonite religion during his upbringing by his parents and grandparents, who were as Russian as Russian can be and as conservative German as conservative German can be, all at the same time. Both his parents and grandparents were members of some reactionary Russian branch of the Mennonites. It was that reactionary, that you might almost call it a sect. Dad sucked in their moral dogmas with his mother’s milk. One of their dogmas was and is, that only the true sexuality between man and woman is allowed by God. It made dad very narrow-minded, extremely intolerant and even filled with hate where other gender identities and sexual preferences were concerned. And then his youngest son turns out to be homosexual. That was asking for big time trouble, little bro. I can assure you he saw it in a terrible light, unfortunately for you in the dark light of the old Russian ways and the even murkier light of those arch-conservative Mennonite ways.”

“So, he kicked me out!” Niki muttered. He had sensed it for years, all the coldness, indifference and hate but couldn’t explain it as a child and a youngster. Now he saw how all the tiny threads of years of discomfort and insecurity came together. He blinked, then sighed:

“Now I understand why he said he hated my mother. And he hated me for being her son! It had nothing to do with the woman with whom he was married, but with my biological mother. He hated me throughout my whole life. My being gay was just another reason to hate me even more.”

Dmitri nodded:

“And then the second heart attack came and it was all over. If there was more to tell, he certainly couldn’t. But I guess it is more than enough, at least that is the way I feel about it.”

Niki only nodded, but Inno said:

“’Scuse me for interrupting, but there’s one thing I’m missing in the story, something I can’t understand.”

Both Niki and Dima looked at him, Dima with a kind of inviting look in his eyes.

“Well,” Inno asked, “was there nothing like ‘sorry’ or ‘I guess I made mistakes’ or anything like that?”

Dmitri shook his head:

“He died like he lived. Maybe things had gone wrong, but sure as hell he was not the one who was to blame for it. Must have been somebody else who messed up.”

“Then he must have been a very lonely man,” Inno closed the matter.

By now Dmitri looked exhausted and despondent. He took a deep breath.

“I don’t want to be impolite, but do you boys have something stronger than tea? I could use a stiff drink!”

“There’s some whisky,” Inno replied.

“Can I have one?” Dmitri grinned.

“Me too,” Niki said, “I can use one as well.”

“But,” the always clear-headed Inno admonished, looking at his lover’s brother. “Then you are not going to drive three hours back. You’ll have to spend the night right here on the couch.”

“I guess I can survive that,” Dmitri smiled. “There is one last thing. I told you, that in some distorted way he cared about you. In the last weeks I’ve learned from his lawyer he made provisions for you in his will.”

Niki decided in a split second. With an extreme coldness in his voice he said:

“I don’t want his money. I wanted his love, but only got hate. I don’t accept his heritage!”

Sticking up two thumbs Inno looked at him with a gorgeous smile, filled with admiration.

They drank their whisky in silence, each of them immersed in his own thoughts and feelings. Then it was time to go to sleep.

Once they were in bed and with the light out Inno noticed how the emotional pain was radiating from his boyfriend’s body in an almost tangible way. He felt an irrepressible urge to say something, but how could he say anything sensible, something with so much impact that it would erase twenty years of emotional indifference and neglect? How could he find the right words to take away Niki’s pain in an instant? Since he couldn’t, he tried lamely:

“Feel like talking about it, angel?”

“No!” he heard the soft, despondent answer.

It launched him into a state of desperate frustration, he felt useless, he couldn’t keep sitting on his hands with his lover hurting. He wanted to do something to mitigate the pain! Unknowingly Niki solved his dilemma by whispering:

“I feel like I want to be wanted!”

It surprised Inno. He couldn’t imagine Niki felt like sex after hearing the terrible narrative of his earlier life so shortly before.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” an immediate reply came, “I was surrounded for most of my life by people, who didn’t want me, even hated me! Now I need to feel like I’m wanted by at least one person on this damned planet.”

Inno embraced him, kissed his eyes and tasted the slightly salt flavor of the tears on Niki’s cheeks. With warm compassion in his voice, he whispered:

“My poor angel. I want you! I’ll give you everything you need. I’ll do my utmost best to compensate for all you have missed.”

“That is what I was hoping for,” Niki said barely audibly.

“But in all honesty, I can’t imagine you want sex right now,” Inno tried carefully.

“No, that is not what I mean,” Niki replied. “The way I feel right now? I think I won’t get the damned thing up. But just make me feel wanted, just hold me, rock me, try to take away the pain. You won’t succeed, but even your attempting makes me feel better. Will you do that for me?”

“Of course I will,” Inno breathed.

He took Niki in his arms and started to rock him gently, at the same time his fingers caressed each and every hair pick of the tousle haircut and his lips made overtime by pressing soft kisses all over Niki’s skin. He noticed, how Niki cried softly but decided to let it be; under the same circumstances he would have cried as well.

They stayed like this for a long time. Then Inno found the words he needed to alleviate the pain. While continuing his rocking, he said in a dove-like, soothing tone:

“You know, angel, as children we are all like little birds. There comes a time when we will leave the nest, but before we can do that we must learn to fly in the big world. Most of us can do that without problems. Most have strong wings that will keep them up, because they have their parents to encourage and support them. I was a lucky little bird. But you, it looks as if you were learning to fly on broken wings.”

Niki stroked his hand over Inno’s chest like he wanted to express gratitude.

“But hey, in that way learning to fly hurts, but you kept going, despite the pain. You made it by navigating your own course. You got your pilot’s license, because you are strong, hard-and-fast, and elastic. And let’s face it, despite your initial handicap, you grew into a stable, gorgeous and adorable young man, a young man I will never leave!”

The last words were whispered, Inno having his lips directly next to Niki’s ear.

“Thank you, my sweetest,” Niki purred.

“Feeling better now?” Inno asked.

Niki nodded.

“Shall we try to get some sleep?” Inno wanted to know.

“Oki”, Niki said with the beginning of a very careful smile on his face, “Inno, will you be there when I wake up tomorrow?”

“Of course I will, dumbo”, Inno grinned, “Besides, who wants a skinny scarecrow like me?”

They kissed good night, but once they were both lying down to go to sleep, Inno had a hard time silencing his thoughts. Something intrigued and puzzled him.

Next to him was Niki, a boy so beautiful many would find him stunning, a boy who had enjoyed wealth, had had all the goodies he wanted, but to whom even the tiniest quantity of essential warmth and love had been denied. And here he was, a scarecrow with nearly red hair, who received almost more warmth and love than he could absorb, but in a family where money was a scant commodity. So much for the equal distribution of the things a child needed.

And that question? What did it mean?

“The world is a strange place. And it looks to me as if life is never fair,” he muttered somewhat overcome by drowsiness. Then he finally managed to fall asleep. He slept so soundly he didn’t hear the soft sobbing next to him.