A Night with no Stars - 25. The Edge of Glory

If Aleks got his feet off the ground, he would have probably flown away. He listened to the applause and wasn't sure what to do next, so without much thought he jumped down, mingling with the crowd. Someone high-fived him. Someone gave him a clap on the back. It was very loud, maybe because ten different people were speaking to him at the same time. He wasn't able to focus on any of them.

He felt high. Wait. He was high.

He blinked, sobering up slightly, and glanced inquiringly at Szymon still at the stage, who beamed at him and gave him a thumb up. It must have been fine then, his toasted brain hadn't made it all up. His thought process was a bit sluggish, how was he supposed to wrap his mind around the idea that the show was over and everything had worked out? That was beyond his current capabilities. He felt giddy and was trying to convince himself that it was the effect of adrenaline and not the drugs. After all, adrenaline was the best drug. The only truly worthy one.

He could swear that he'd been talking to Sonia and other kids from school, but they'd disappeared and now some guy was congratulating him instead. Aleks felt he should know him and quickly realized that he did. He smiled, because it was Maks' friend, which probably meant he was cool, because Maks was awesome.

Was he? He kind of felt he should be mad at him right now, but couldn't remember why. Whatever. It was probably nothing. His thoughts were in shambles, instead of falling into place, they were only getting more jumbled. It wasn't the drugs. It was adrenaline. Just... good old adrenaline. Right?

Only then it hit him that he'd popped some junk of unknown origin right before the most crucial event of his life. And why was it so obvious that it'd been a terrible idea now that he was already high as a kite instead of before, when he'd been all sober and sensible? What had he even been thinking?

Suddenly he remembered why he was supposed to be mad at Maks. Where the hell was he? He looked around absent-mindedly, listening to someone's words with half an ear, and his eyes met Ewelina's. She might have been staring at him ever since they'd approached him. He couldn't be sure.

"Aleks, can we talk?" she asked when she noticed she had his attention. She sounded calm, even friendly, but she was a liar like Maks, they had spent ages lying to each other. Aleks thought he was ahead of her, had already figured her out, but in reality he wasn't even at par with himself right now. He nodded dumbly and followed her. A few people tried to accost him on the way, but he made a frenzied gesture and mumbled something like 'sorry, a girl, important'. At least he hoped that's what he mumbled. That was the main problem with being high, that his head was filled with honest to God truth, but the rest of the world just didn't seem to get it. Even he couldn't understand his own mental shortcuts, though he had no doubts that they were brilliant.

He brought her backstage and turned to her expectantly, attempting very hard to focus. He needed to be able to communicate. Moreover, he owed it to her, to this poor soul he'd helped shatter, he needed... ideally, to be nice to her. At the very least, not to be obviously tripping.

She was peering at him, suspiciously quiet. Her confidence had seemed to evaporate, if it'd ever been there. She wasn't so sassy face to face as she'd been through texts, huh? He felt a surge of satisfaction that was immediately replaced by guilt. He didn't know whether she was in love with Maks or just used to him like he'd been to her, but she'd still lost him and Aleks knew that if he lost Maks, he would have been devastated. That was the first rule of being a decent person after all, not to wish on someone what he would have found devastating. And he wanted to be decent so badly.

So he returned the look gently and even gave her a tiny nod to show her that she could speak her piece, she could punch him, she could do whatever she wanted. He would just stand here and take it.

She swallowed heavily. "Why isn't Maks here?"

Aleks bristled and the whole plan to be nice went down in flames. "That's none of your business," he muttered sullenly. He might have been less pissed if he'd known the answer to this one himself. He really wanted to tell her that Maks wasn't here because he was right at this moment informing his parents that he was going to spend the rest of his life with him, no matter their opinion on it. But the truth was that he didn't know that for sure. Maybe Maks would be all 'Oh, so you think seeing this guy is not the best idea? Yeah, you're probably right', because those were his parents and his mom was scary, and logically Aleks knew it wasn't very likely, but it didn't make this silly fear go away. He would have liked to have more faith in Maks' fortitude. Sadly, he didn't.

Ewelina pinched her lips. "I beg to differ. It matters to me whether I've lost to you or I've just lost," she emphasized. Aleks was impressed that she was being so blunt.

"Which one would you prefer?" he asked curiously. This was good. They were being civil.

She was silent for a moment. "Neither," she said.

Aleks winced. "Look, you need to understand..." What did she need to understand? "...that it wasn't about who wins, that was clear from the beginning, the question wasn't 'who', but 'when'."

Only when she opened her mouth slightly, grudgingly surprised by his cheek, did he realize what he'd said. Shit, that wasn't nice at all. That was mean, he was being very mean and the drugs were the mirror to his soul, which was black and vile, because he was an evil, evil person.

"So just forget about it and next time don't let some guy walk all over you, ok?" He kept talking, vaguely aware that he had no choice in the matter, because he was high and pissed and crass, and the truth was that deep down he wanted to shake her and hurt her and make her realize how badly this was going to suck for her.

"We both know it's not just some guy," she objected feebly. Really, she was trying to kindle some kind of solidarity between them?

"Every guy is the one for someone and just some guy for the rest of the world," he disagreed strongly. "So for your own sanity move Maks into the second category—"

"You think it's so easy?" she cut him off sharply. "Is that what you'd do? Because you're such a badass?" she mocked. "You know, I see right through you and I know that under that tough mask you're really a harmless kitten. Vulnerable little kitten who'd cry like a baby if our roles were reversed."

Aleks blinked and wanted to shoot back something clever, but instead he said, "Meow."

She was flabbergasted, gaping at him like he was deranged, which might be true, he did feel a little unhinged. Suddenly she laughed hysterically and he chuckled weakly.

"How am I supposed to hate you, huh?" she asked rhetorically, shaking her head and he suddenly realized that they were giggling together, what the fuck.

He immediately sobered down. "Plenty of people hate me, it's not that hard."

She was scrutinizing him for an uncomfortably long moment. "Come on, Aleks. I know you're not an asshole," she said quietly, dropping the previous sarcasm. She seemed much more naked without it. "I recognize assholes. You're not one of them, you're just pretending, so I don't understand how you could do this to me and how you intend to live with it."

It was hardly the worst thing he had to live with, but she was still making him feel guilty and guilt brought back the previous annoyance, so he raised his eyebrows and took a step forward to look down at her. "I didn't do it to you," he corrected her simply. "I just did it for me."

This one might have been more deliberate. Being mean was just much more satisfying than being cute or, God forbid, apologetic. It was also another plain truth. She'd been the last thing on his mind when he'd slipped into the bed of the guy she'd been engaged to. He'd thought about himself. And Maks, never her. Only after and only that she needed to be erased from the picture. It was easier that way. Otherwise he'd have gone insane a long time ago.

She looked up reluctantly. "Oh, I know you did it for yourself," she sneered, shaking her head in disbelief. "And what, you're proud of your achievement? Happy that you stole someone else's man?"

"Ecstatic," he drawled flatly without a second thought.

She was studying him again like an insect under the microscope. It made him nervous, like she really could see right through him.

"You wanna know what I think?" he asked in a conversational tone. "I think our views on owning people differ quite drastically. And sure, Maks might have officially been yours when we met, but his heart was fully available. So I took it." He shrugged. "It's not my fault that you can't keep a guy, sunshine."

Ewelina's eyes narrowed. "That's your excuse?" she scorned. "That's what you tell yourself when you look in the mirror, that you didn't do anything wrong, because I just wasn't trying hard enough? That's really lame, Aleks."

"You still look at it as if I stole something from you, but the truth is, he hadn't been yours long before he started to be mine," Aleks hissed, sick of the guilt and of this conversation. "He wouldn't fuck me if he wanted you! He wouldn't dump you if he loved you! He wouldn't be with me if he didn't love me! These are really simple concepts, so what the fuck can't you understand?" he growled, feeling his ire getting dangerously close to breaking point.

"So that's your answer? That he's never loved me?" She tried to sound defiant and control the trembling in her voice.

"Oh, I'm sure he did at one point, at least in some strange meaning of the word," Aleks assured her derisively. "But not like you want to be loved."

"No, because he only loves you like that?" she snarled. "Did he tell you that?" There was a strange grimace on her face, it was hard to tell whether she was sneering or crying.

"Sure." Aleks forced a smirk, feeling an unbearable weight of the lie in his throat.

Ewelina barked a laugh. "Well, congrats. He used to tell me that all the time too," she informed him snidely. Aleks' eyes narrowed. "It didn't keep him from screwing someone else behind my back and lying straight to my face about it."

"You seem to forget that you've done the same to him. That's convenient," Aleks pointed out, not letting her cut in when she tried. "That was the night, did you know?" he dropped nonchalantly. "When he found out."

"What?" she breathed. Aleks raised an eyebrow meaningfully and her eyes widened. She swallowed heavily. She'd sort of known how long it'd been going on, but... the beginning of April. Maks had left the party that night after learning of his fiancée's infidelity and what had he done? He'd fucked Aleks. She felt like she was going to throw up. "So, what?" She took a deep, shaky breath. "That's all it meant to him? That he had a free pass?"

Aleks sighed. "I think so, yeah. Back then I believed that it was only to get back at you. It wasn't a nice feeling," he admitted sullenly.

Ewelina was staring at him for a long moment before she scoffed. "You poor thing, for a minute you had to face the harsh reality where not everything is about you."

Aleks smirked. "Well, but it was. I should actually thank you. If it wasn't for your actions, Maks would have been much more inhibited from doing the same, so thanks for being an unfaithful slut," he remarked, momentarily losing his filter again.

Ewelina opened her mouth, looking so astonished as if he'd slapped her in the face. "I was wrong, you are an asshole after all," she hissed after the first shock wore off.

Aleks had no strength left to feel sorry for her or treat her with kid gloves. He wasn't really high anymore, but now he felt weirdly short of breath. "Sure I am," he admitted, faking a light tone. "I'm an asshole, Maks is an asshole, we're all assholes. So why are you coming back and dredging it up? We are perfectly happy wallowing in our assholery, so just leave us the fuck alone," he said impatiently.

"Are you speaking for Maks as well?" Ewelina asked. "I didn't hear his opinion. Oh, right, because he's not here," she emphasized venomously. Aleks wanted to roll his eyes at her pathetic attempt to raise doubts in him. "Any idea why? Does he proclaim his love for you somewhere else today of all days?"

Her triumphant smile dropped when Aleks just shook his head and was going to turn back and leave, because this conversation had stopped making any sense after the first sentence and he was feeling fainter with every passing second, but he couldn't resist having the last word. "Yeah, in Sulejówek," he muttered offhandedly, passing her by. He didn't see her eyes widening when she realized what that meant.

He burst back into the main area, strangely wired and breathing erratically. He tried to maneuver through the people, but kept getting ambushed. They weren't doing anything wrong, most of them just wanted to exchange a few words, ask him about the album or have a shot with him. After a first few isolated cases others realized that Aleks was indulging them, got bolder and started approaching as well. It was fine for the first five minutes. He was a fucking star.

He might be a star, but tomorrow he was supposed to talk to Wincent and had no idea what that conversation was going to be about. He might be a star, but Ewelina's words were still lingering in his mind. He might be a star, but his boyfriend couldn't see it, because he hadn't even bothered to show up. He might be a star, but somebody wanted to extinguish it and he tried to tell himself that Adrian was a loser and he wasn't scared of him at all, but for some reason the mere thought still petrified him. He might be a star, but...

His heart was pounding again and all of the sudden he felt desperate to get out of this crowd. He feared that if one more person approached him, he was going to punch them. There were too many of them, too many strange voices and hands and too little air. He took several deep breaths, wondering if he was having a panic attack or crashing after the high, or was it just his asthma rearing its ugly head. He needed to get out, he needed to breathe, he needed...

He needed Maks.

"Aleks?" he heard from behind his back and felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He wanted to break it, no matter who it belonged to. He turned around abruptly. Oh, it was just Robert. He should probably reconsider breaking his arm. "Everything's ok?" he asked, looking concerned.

Aleks felt like laughing, but managed to refrain. No. For some reason nothing was or was ever going to be ok. "Yeah, sure," he muttered with difficulty. "I'm gonna get going—"

"On to another party?" Robert chuckled knowingly.

"Yeah." Aleks nodded, deciding it was a great excuse. Though maybe it wasn't an excuse, maybe that was exactly what he was going to do. Maybe he just needed to numb himself to it all a little bit. "Yeah, heading downtown."

"And do you know where Ewelina went?" Robert asked unwittingly. Aleks blinked, barely listening to him and mostly trying to hold back his growing nausea. "Cause you two talked, right?" he added, giving him an odd look.

Aleks pulled himself together. "Yeah, we talked. But no, I don't know where she is," he said absently before giving him a friendly pat on the shoulder. "See you later."

Robert waved, but Aleks was already pushing through the crowd. He wasn't even sure what he was running from, he just knew that he needed to escape.

***

Maks didn't even hesitate, he went on autopilot. He parked two blocks away and headed towards Mazowiecka Street, knowing exactly where he was going to find Aleks.

The place was tiny, it only had three tables that were currently unoccupied. It looked like they were closing, even though the sign on the door said 'Opening hours: 5pm - until last client' and the last client was half-sitting, half-lying on the bar with his chin resting on his clasped hands. He was mumbling something to the bartender who nodded amicably and looked up when he heard the door opening.

"Oh, you're here to pick up the body. Good, I would like to go home at some point," he laughed, never stopping wiping the countertop.

Maks smiled, mostly focused on Aleks who tilted his head and was now watching him through half-closed eyelids. "Thanks, I'm taking over," he said, approaching the bar. He was surprised that the guy had recognized him, despite Aleks loving this place, Maks hadn't been here more than a couple of times. "Ready to go?" he asked quietly, placing his hand on his back. His eyes were foggy and it took a single look for Maks to know that he was completely wasted.

Aleks hiccuped inelegantly before trying to clumsily get up from the bar stool. "I'm taking this with me," he slurred, grabbing the glass he had been drinking from while Maks clutched his waist to keep him upright.

"I don't think you can do that, turtledove," Maks informed him gently before realizing that he'd used a pet name in front of a stranger. He glanced at the bartender, but he seemed unfazed.

Aleks shrugged, wobbling back and forth. Maks had no idea how he managed not to spill a drop. "Of course I can," he scoffed haughtily. "Right?" he asked the bartender. Maks thought his name was Dawid and he was Aleks'... maybe not a friend. His bartender, because he was the kind of person who had their favorite bartender.

"Sure." Dawid was completely unruffled. "Just bring it back, please."

Maks wasn't going to argue with him, so he just tightened his grip on Aleks when he faltered dangerously. "Thanks for keeping an eye on him," he said, starting to drag him slowly towards the door. "Goodnight."

"I don't need to be... kept..." Aleks objected blearily, scuffing his feet obediently.

Dawid snickered and saluted playfully. "Just get him home safely," he said while Maks was trying to simultaneously open the door and not drop Aleks, which wasn't an easy task. He was pretty sure that the moment he stopped supporting him, he would fall flat on the floor. "Later, Aleks," he added, so Maks sent him one last quick smile over his shoulder before the door slammed behind them.

He took a short break, because even getting through these several meters with Aleks hanging onto him half passed out had been a challenge and they had another four hundred to cover. Maks gave him a critical look.

"Why are we stopping?" he whined before breaking away and trying to walk briskly, unfortunately in the wrong direction. Both Aleks and the alcohol on the bottom of his glass lurched. Maks grabbed his wrist at the last moment before he fell on his face and drew him to his chest. He didn't care if the glass survived, but Aleks clearly did, because he was clutching it for dear life.

Maks sighed, coming to an internal decision. He wasn't exactly a strongman, but he should still manage, because Aleks might have bulked up a bit lately, but by general standards he was still a shrimp. He gently pried the drink loose from his fingers, because if he let it smash, it would probably lead to a fight and arguing with drunk Aleks wasn't his favorite pastime. He started to protest, but Maks just clasped him under his buttocks with his right arm and threw him over his shoulder. Shit, he was pretty heavy after all.

"Hey! What are you doing!" Aleks squawked, kicking his legs. Maks started to shake with laughter and looked around furtively, hoping that nobody was witnessing this spectacle. "Put me down," he demanded.

Maks rolled his eyes. "Just cooperate, turtledove," he asked quietly, adjusting him and carefully embracing his back with his other arm. In that excruciating position, still holding the glass in his left hand, he started to trudge slowly.

"Maks, let me go," Aleks mumbled again, smacking his back with his palm to emphasize his words. Smacking was a strong word, he had no strength left and Maks barely felt it.

"Stop squirming," he chided him wryly. "You're not going to get there on your own."

"I will never get anywhere on my own," Aleks muttered despondently.

Maks twisted his head to look at him so quickly that his neck nearly cracked. "That's new," he said with a frown. He was going to try to find out where this drunken outburst of self-deprecation had come from, but they were almost by the car already, so instead he focused on getting his keys from his jacket. It was impossible while holding both Aleks and his drink, so he put the damn glass on the car roof and his boyfriend on the ground, counting on him not to fall over.

"Get in," he ordered callously, opening the door for him.

"Home?" Aleks muttered hopefully, clambering inside.

Maks smiled to himself, started the engine and backed up carefully, but stopped when he realized that Aleks had just curled into a ball in his seat and was eyeing him blankly. He sighed and leaned over him to fasten his seatbelt.

"So why do you think you will never get anywhere?" he asked.

Aleks opened his mouth to answer, but closed them immediately. "I think I'm going to throw up," he murmured, sounding strangled.

Maks frowned in concern, slowing down. "Now?"

Aleks seemed to consider it for a long moment. "Or maybe not," he changed his mind, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. He opened them after barely a second and for some reason glanced at the gearbox. "It's not really driving when you're not working a stick," he declared before bursting into laughter. "Working a stick," he repeated in hysterics.

Maks might have been amused if he wasn't making fun of his automatic transmission. He believed there was nothing wrong with saving yourself the unnecessary work whenever possible.

Aleks seemed to cool off a bit. "Fuck, I haven't gotten this drunk since I was fifteen," he confessed, still sounding amused. Maks, on the other hand, didn't find that revelation particularly humorous. "Everyone hates me," he claimed out of the blue.

Maks wasn't sure if he tried to go back to the previous topic or start a new one. "What are you talking about," he dismissed, though with a stab of concern. Where had that come from?

"No, really," Aleks insisted stubbornly. "Nobody's gonna drink to my soul when I die. Because I'm a bad person. And I don't have one." He giggled ridiculously. "Too bad I'm not gonna make it to my own funeral, I could see that nobody came." He'd been talking into space before, but suddenly fixed his full attention on Maks. "Will you drink when I die?" he asked hopefully. "I mean... to my soul? The one I don't have?"

Maks blinked, baffled. "Yeah, I would definitely get hammered if you died," he admitted calmly, because he needed to stay patient to get through this conversation. Aleks looked around absent-mindedly, remembered his drink and took a long sip. A few drops went down his chin. Maks scowled. "And don't worry, I'm sure everybody else would as well," he reassured him. Those were the weirdest words of comfort he'd ever uttered. "Nobody hates you."

"Everybody hates me," Aleks disagreed, sounding like he was spacing out.

"Who does?" Maks asked, mostly focused on driving and keeping the conversation flowing just so he didn't fall asleep. And maybe for fun. Aleks was going to double up tomorrow when he heard what he'd said.

"Your fiancée," he answered at last.

Maks flinched. He'd known, he'd fucking known that Ewelina had something to do with this sudden mood drop. "I don't have a fiancée," he said calmly, keeping his eyes on the road. "Maybe you've mistaken me for some other boyfriend of yours who has one," he added mockingly. "What did she say to you?"

Aleks was silent for a long moment. "Nothing, it was... it was pathetic, really," he muttered. "It's just that I... I'm not a good person."

"It wasn't your fault," Maks assured him reasonably. "I was the one who was committed to her—"

"No, not a slightly bad person who breaks up a relationship. I mean that too, but no. A fully evil person, with blood on my hands and all that. Have you known someone truly evil before me?" he asked curiously.

Make hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles got all white. His head was empty. He slowed down to forty, because he didn't trust his reflexes right now, before turning very slowly to look at him. He didn't seem aware of anything around him, he just fixed his melancholy eyes on the car roof and kept brooding.

"I never killed anyone. Like... with my hands." He looked down at his hands, wiggling them a little to demonstrate. "But I let other people do it," he added in a blasé tone. Maks loosened his fingers that had become numb by now and exhaled heavily. "But it still sucks, because you're... you're so good. I mean, you're a liar, but you're good," he stated, moving his beseeching eyes back to him.

Maks stilled under his gaze, because there was something in the way he said that and in the way he was staring at him right now, even half-conscious, that made him look... it made him look besotted. That was the only thing Maks saw, an utterly plastered Aleks tenderly calling him a liar while staring at him all smitten. Maybe they really were perfect for each other.

"You're a liar too," he pointed out, sounding just as fond.

"Yeah, but I've got a po..." he stumbled. "Poecit... poetic license," he managed finally, looking immensely proud of himself. Maks grinned, astounded that he still found it in himself to attempt to be charming and witty even when he was blind drunk. "There's also Adrian," he recalled out of the blue. "Adrian hates me."

Maks felt like he got a whiplash. "Who the fuck is Adrian?"

Aleks blinked. "Oh. You've met him. He was at the stadium with your sister. At the race. He wanted to beat the shit out of us. Remember?"

Yeah, Maks didn't think he would ever be able to forget that guy. He wanted to smash his face at the mere thought of him and Wiki. "What about him?" he asked, not sure if he actually wanted to hear the answer. He feared every word that got out of his drunken, unfiltered mouth. He feared what he might learn.

"He thinks... he thinks he's so fucking important. As if someone like him could ever do anything to me," Aleks snickered. Maks didn't find it funny. "He's Partyka's nephew or cousin or something."

His hands trembled on the steering wheel. "What?" He hoped that he'd misunderstood or Aleks was just full of shit.

But Aleks just laughed. "I know, right? If I didn't see proof that he has actual human relatives I would suspect he hatched too," he said nonsensically. "But Partyka is at least smart. And Adrian is a moron." He turned back to Maks and grinned. Make returned his smile half-heartedly.

He was relieved when he parked by his building. He helped Aleks get out of the car and started to slowly drag him upstairs, still pondering on everything he'd heard and trying to put these drunken ravings into some sensible picture. He sat Aleks down on the shoe rack, but as usual he couldn't stay in one spot and headed unsteadily towards the bathroom.

"Try not to hurt yourself," Maks asked, then froze in the middle of taking his jacket off when he heard a loud crash. He rolled his eyes. "Are you ok?" He hurried after him.

Aleks was sitting against the washing machine, surrounded by cosmetics scattered around. He looked lost for a moment, but then found his resolve, grabbed the shaving cream laying at his feet and put it emphatically on the sink. He looked up and smiled proudly at Maks who had to fight very hard not to burst into laughter.

"Very good, Martha Stewart," he uttered indulgently. "Leave it." He stopped him when he tried to blunderingly arrange the rest. Maks reached out to help him up, but Aleks just grimaced and curled up on the bath mat. "Are you going to throw up?"

"Dunno yet," he muttered, just in case scooting over towards the toilet. Maks sat behind him with his legs crossed. "You don't have to hold my hair, you know?" he mocked weakly.

"But I can," Maks said calmly, brushing away his fringe pointedly. "What happened, turtledove?" he asked quietly, pressing his cheek to his sweaty back. "You never get so drunk."

Aleks shrugged. "I didn't know what else to do," he whispered back before resting his forehead on his fist and smiling bitterly. "I just... I don't know. I think I wanna... quit," he confessed.

Maks straightened up. "What do you wanna quit?"

Aleks paused thoughtfully. "Everything," he finally said, shrugging helplessly. "My job and... and rap. Everything," he repeated blandly.

Maks frowned. "Hey... why?" he asked softly, knowing he needed to be gentle, even though he wholeheartedly approved of him quitting his job. "You love it," he pointed out without specifying which of these things he meant, because sometimes he was afraid that he loved both.

"I love music," Aleks admitted. "But... it's all connected, you know? One thing to another, there is no music that would be separated from it and I don't think that I can... go on," he finished hesitantly, closing his eyes.

Maks was silent for a minute, trying to understand his gibberish. "If I were you, I would hold off on quitting something you love until you're sobered up and able to think it through. If you feel the same way tomorrow morning, then we will do something about it," he suggested sensibly.

"I won't feel the same tomorrow morning," Aleks declared without a trace of doubt. "Tomorrow morning I will keep fooling myself that everything is ok. And that I'm not scared. All the time," he breathed.

Maks swallowed heavily. "What are you scared of?" he whispered into the back of his neck.

It took ages for Aleks to answer. "Everything." His voice was strangled. He pushed Maks away weakly. "I think I'm gonna..." he broke off, reaching for the toilet.

Maks sighed and stepped back obediently. He left the bathroom to not loom over him, leaned against the wall next to the door and squeezed his eyes shut, listening to the sounds of vomiting and counting in his head to calm himself down.

He came back after Aleks went silent and dragged him through the hallway. He sat him on the bed and forced to raise his arms to get his sweaty t-shirt off. Aleks grunted indignantly, but apparently decided that he didn't mind Maks undressing him, because after that he went completely pliant. Maks took off his sneakers and socks, then moved to undo his fly and pulled his jeans down by belt loops. Aleks was completely out of it, but raised his hips in cooperation and there was nothing erotic about the whole situation whatsoever, but Maks still found it staggeringly intimate. He finally managed to disentangle him from his jeans, though it wasn't an easy task and took a while. He threw them on the floor and walked out, leaving him lying in just his boxer briefs on the edge of the bed. He didn't look like he was going to move anytime soon. Maks came back carrying a glass of water.

"What are you scared of?" he repeated his question from before, stretching behind his back after getting him hydrated and dragging him to the center of the mattress.

Aleks was silent for ages and Maks thought he must have fallen asleep. "That I'm gonna get stuck in this forever," he whispered at last, looking straight ahead. "That I'm never going to get away and then we will never... we'll never be able to..." he broke off helplessly and then sniffled quietly. Maks started, because Aleks might not be crying yet but he sounded alarmingly close.

"We will," he assured him soothingly, trying to turn him around, but he just pressed his face deeper into the pillow. Maks immediately relented, instead kissing the back of his head tenderly. "Whatever happens... we will figure it out. All these things and people don't matter, not Ewelina or my parents, or Partyka, or that Adrian guy." Maks wasn't sure where his sudden optimism was coming from. "You're the only thing that matters to me," he whispered, enfolding him in his arms and pulling until his back was pressed against Maks' chest. He felt Aleks' both hands gripping his forearm. "Cause you're completely fucked up," he confessed impulsively, suddenly remembering his mom's words. "But I love you anyway." He smiled to himself and spent the next several seconds waiting with his breath held. His only answer was silence. He swallowed and asked uncertainly, "Aren't you gonna say something?"

Aleks shifted, but didn't turn around. "The fuck are you telling me this for? It doesn't change anything," he muttered eventually in a hollow voice, trying to shrug, but it wasn't easy while he was laying down.

Maks blinked. He had finally uttered these words and this was what he got in return? He had been hoping for some 'I love you too'. The truth was he'd been so sure he would hear an 'I love you too', he had hardly considered any other option. But apparently Aleks couldn't care less about his heartfelt confession and wasn't going to assure him that his feelings were reciprocated. Selfish little bastard.

Selfish little depressed bastard who was clutching his arm so tight like his life depended on it. One peevish drunken comment wasn't going to change what Maks had already known. And he'd known a lot, including that Aleks could have called it whatever he wanted, but Maks was pretty certain that they felt the same and if that wasn't love, then he didn't know what was. He was so certain that if Aleks tried to tell him that he didn't love him, Maks would be ready to argue with him.

He knew, so he just closed his eyes, deciding that continuing this conversation while Aleks was wasted was pointless. The last thing he remembered before falling asleep was his hair tickling his face.

***

Maks started to smile before he was even fully awake. He felt Aleks' weight pressing him into the mattress, he must have turned during the night and now was lying half on top of him. His skin was so hot it was almost scalding and his lips were wandering over his shoulder. Maks spent a moment enjoying being still mostly asleep under these delightful circumstances before his hand moved reflectively to his hair. He tightened his fingers, keeping his head in place. Aleks let him, breathing deeply and evenly into his skin.

"I'm sorry for last night," he whispered in a muffled voice. "I got a bit... overwhelmed."

"You don't have to be sorry," Maks assured him quietly.

"No, I do," he muttered. "That's not what you've signed up for—"

"Of course I have. I've signed up for you," Maks protested vehemently, but Aleks just shook his head.

"I've been so fucking selfish," he confessed miserably.

"Come on, don't—" Maks started, because he'd hoped that the drama would end along with the sun rising and sobriety coming back.

"No, I'm serious," Aleks interrupted him. "I've known from the beginning that it isn't fair to you. Dragging you into this, it was... it was so fucking stupid of me. But I've gotten so deep now and I don't know how to..." He took a shaky breath, clearly finding uttering these words difficult. "Everything inside me is telling me I should just cut you off, but—"

"If this is your plan then you should know I'm not gonna let you do that," Maks informed him harshly, feeling his heartbeat speeding up and lifting up on his elbows, so Aleks had no choice but to look up as well.

"It's not," he assured him with a dejected smile. "You don't appreciate how selfish I can be."

Maks stared at him for a couple of seconds, still tense. "Oh," he finally said, exhaling heavily. Ok, Aleks wasn't going to do anything foolishly noble like dumping him for his own good. "So?" He wasn't sure what he was asking and what they were actually talking about.

"So I just need to fix it," Aleks explained, sounding like he was trying to convince himself more than Maks that it was going to be a piece of cake. "And then we can—"

"And we're going to," Maks soothed him, pushing a lost strand of hair behind his ear. "Look, I don't know what my dad is going to do, but it turns out that my mom is not actually—"

"Maks, I was serious when I said that your parents are the least of our problems," Aleks cut in before biting his lower lip. "I'm not trying to diminish whether they accept you or not, cause that's supremely important, but that's not what this is about. I've gotten you into this mess in the first place and now I need to clean it up. And there's no time to do it slowly anymore, it has to be done now," he declared before sitting up abruptly, like by 'now' he did mean 'right this second'.

"Hey, no, wait," Maks protested, untangling himself from the sheets. Aleks was already out of bed and opening the wardrobe. "Tell me what you're going to do."

Aleks just shrugged vaguely. It terrified him that it was his only answer.

"I don't know, I guess I'll go to talk to Partyka." He didn't sound very self-assured. "I'll feel things out."

"That's a bad idea," Maks informed him readily, watching helplessly as he was putting his jeans on. "Come on, let's just sit down and think for a minute," he begged, starting to sound desperate. He stood up and followed when Aleks headed to the bathroom.

"There's no time. I feel like I have my back against the wall. I postponed it for too long, I've got to do something before he does," he said, squeezing toothpaste on his brush.

"Is this about this guy? This Adrian you mentioned last night?" Maks asked. Aleks made a strange gesture between nodding and shrugging. Maks rolled his eyes impatiently. "What does he even want from you?" he asked and waited apprehensively for Aleks to finish brushing his teeth. He finally rinsed his mouth and wiped his face with a towel.

"He's jealous, I guess. He thinks he should take my place or that I took his and keeps saying he's going to get rid of me. I've already turned a blind eye to it for too long. I won't have some moron threatening me," he scoffed. "Besides, he's a psycho, he's completely unpredictable."

"Wait," Maks asked again when his misguided boyfriend went to the hallway. "Hold it!" he finally yelled, this time succeeding, because Aleks froze in the middle of putting his jacket on. Maks got to him in two quick strides. "Don't go there, please. What if that guy really wants to hurt you? He wouldn't make empty threats, would he? Just how much do you risk every time you go there?" He was getting more worked up the more he thought about it. "And how could you not tell me about something like that?" he added reprovingly.

"And what would you have done besides worrying yourself to death?" Aleks crossed his arms impatiently. "Don't you understand that the whole point is not to involve you?"

"If you told me before then we could have figured something out," Maks growled before his expression softened. "Please, don't go."

"Maks, for Christ's sake, I go there all the time, it's not like something's going to happen today of all days—"

Maks raised his eyebrows. "Oh, so it's a coincidence that yesterday of all days it started to bother you so much that you went on a bender?" Maks cut him off derisively.

Aleks fell silent. 'I didn't think it would be so easy'. So easy. What would be easy? Those were the words that had kept him wide awake ever since he'd first stirred at the crack of dawn with a killer hangover.

"I'm just going to speak to him," he said pathetically, hating that he sounded like he was explaining himself.

Maks sighed and decided to call in the big guns. "Do you remember what I told you last night?" he asked softly. Aleks dropped his eyes. "Do you?!" he repeated harshly, grasping the lapels of his jacket and wanting to shake him.

"I remember," Aleks whispered to the floor.

"Well, I meant it," Maks informed him coldly.

Aleks looked up, narrowing his eyes angrily. "And do you remember my answer? That it doesn't matter until we get out of this mess! If there was another way, don't you think I would go for it?"

"What the fuck do you mean it doesn't matter?!" Make shouted, this time unable to keep himself from shaking him frantically and feeling so powerless he wanted to burst into tears. "Are you insane?! You're just going to get yourself killed by some psycho when you do have another way! You have me and you know that I'd do anything for you! Right now I would pack us up and get you halfway across the world, just so you never have to deal with this shit ever again!" he screamed in impotent desperation.

Aleks was standing perfectly still for a few long seconds. "Come on, Maks, don't be absurd. I'm not running away." He grimaced bitterly. "And I'm definitely not dragging you with me. You have your life here—"

"I'm willing to—"

"I know," Aleks interrupted him before standing on his tiptoes and putting both his hands on Maks' cheeks. "I know you are. But I'm not going to let you do that, not until I at least try to figure it out without drastic measures, so just let me..." he broke off, swallowed and didn't finish the sentence after all. Instead he tried again, "I'm not even going to see Adrian, ok? I will only talk to Partyka and he poses no danger to me. Really, none," he swore, looking him straight in the eye.

Maks deflated, feeling like he'd just lost. He let him go and his shoulders slumped. Aleks stepped back and reached for his car keys.

"If you think you're going to drive, you're out of your fucking mind," Maks snapped at him, set on winning at least one battle. Aleks gave him an irritatingly innocent, questioning look. "There's no way you're already completely sober after last night," he explained in a clipped tone.

If Aleks had wanted to argue at all, he gave up quickly. His eyes roamed Maks face for a moment. "I'll see you in a few hours," he promised. "It's..." He checked his watch. "Ten thirty. Almost eleven. I'll let you know at noon that I'm alive, ok?" he suggested for the sake of peace, then bit his lip uncertainly. "Can I..." He cleared his throat. "Can I kiss you?" he asked timidly.

Maks stared at him stonily. "Did we fucking break up and I didn't notice that you have to ask me that?"

Aleks dropped his eyes, unable to hold back an inappropriate smile. He could feel that his boyfriend was so mad at him he wanted to tear him into pieces, but he still brushed his lips with his own before burrowing his face in his neck. Maks arms enfolded him eagerly and squeezed so tightly Aleks was afraid he was going to crush his bones. He didn't mind, he held fast, breathing deeply. They stayed like that for a long moment, clinging to each other silently.

"I love you too," Aleks breathed in a barely audible voice right into his ear.

Maks exhaled steadily. "The fuck are you telling me this for?" he whispered and Aleks couldn't help but grin.

"I deserved it," he admitted, drawing back. He didn't want to make it unnecessarily profound, he wasn't going to fucking war after all, so he just smiled softly, turned around and walked out quietly, leaving Maks alone in the hallway. He ran down the stairs, knowing he still had plenty of time. He could use it to sort out his head.

He hadn't told Maks the whole truth. Talking to Partyka wasn't a part of his plan. He was going to get advice from the only person he believed could know a way of getting out of the mob while keeping his life, not pissing off his boss too much and getting rid of the pain-in-the-ass stalker. He wasn't an idiot and knew it wouldn't be a piece of cake, but he was pretty sure that even if Wincent hated him right now, he would rather not see him dead. If anyone had enough grasp of the situation to be able to find some emergency exit, it was him. He was his only hope.

He deliberately got out of the cab a couple of blocks away from the club, so he could spend a walk planning what to say and musing what Wincent might have wanted from him, because he was the one to propose a meeting after all, Aleks was just going to gladly take advantage of it. He was rather lost in thought with his guard down, which is why he didn't realize what was happening until his arms were wrenched, he felt something pressed to his mouth and the world turned black.

"He won't suffocate?" he heard someone's muffled voice. He didn't recognize it. He took a deep breath through his nose and felt the plastic bag or whatever it was they'd put on his head clinging to his face. He tried to struggle, but he was kept in place by too many hands. One of them slipped into his pocket, which immediately became lighter. Fuck. Apparently he wasn't going to let Maks know at noon that everything was fine, because he wouldn't have the phone and nothing would be fine.

"I guess we'll see," some other guy cackled dumbly and that was the last thing Aleks heard before he was thrown into... judging by the lack of space and a familiar growling he heard after a moment, probably a trunk. He tried to keep his head clear to be able to figure out his options, but soon enough the basic instincts won and he started to kick blindly and scream vainly into aluminum tape.