Sneakin - 1. Sneakin

I knew I failed every one of these when I saw Ryan swipe his card.

~~~

At seven pm on the first day of winter break, I snuck out. Not counting Saturday detention. Mom, as usual, knew nothing. Or maybe she pretended to. I carefully arranged the pillows on the top bunk just right. My cell phone is charging and streaming my favorite vtuber at an unreasonable volume. I've been angry enough since November that everyone is avoiding me, so who would bother checking?

The pile of fresh snow cushioned my landing perfectly. And in ten minutes it would be hard to notice the bizarrely placed snow angel in the yard. In thirty, it would be invisible. Pushing the window down from the roof had been harder than I expected, but getting back in would be easy enough.

I scurried through the gap in the fence. Johnny and I used to take this route all the time, until he got too big to fit. It was a bit tight for me at 13, if I'm being honest. I could afford to lose a few pounds. That's probably what mom would think, when I don't come out for leftovers. That veggie lasagna is really heavy.

I stay close to the neighbor's fence and exit onto the sidewalk. That was the easy part. I unfold my reusable grocery bag and start walking to the grocery store. I'm just like any other kid sent to walk a few blocks, grab a few staples. Nothin to see here.

The commercial plaza is crazy busy. Most people here came in cars, although I see some high schoolers with bikes outside the salon with brightly dyed hair. It's mostly girls, but the one guy has that dusty pink ombre on top like a certain anime protagonist. He smiles and waves. I nod. Wonder if he knows Johnny...

I approach the grocery store. Phase two.

Of course, they rearranged the whole store since the last time I was here. This is, like, the third time in as many months. I feel like these people are trying to make you get lost so you make a bunch of splurge purchases. The rule of shoppers and thieves is the same, find what you are looking for and get out.

It's Sunday and they are closing at 8. I have some time, but I can't afford to draw attention to myself by walking fast and scanning the shelves. I can't really ask for help either. I borrow a banana sticker from the produce section and start wandering at a reasonable pace. I have to hope for the best.

They used to be right in front of the pharmacy desk. Presumably so that whatever tech is there can play the role of loss prevention in addition to pharmacist, janitor and cashier. Maybe they moved everything because that wasn't working. As I wander, I see Collette, one of the girls in my grade dragging a heavy pallet jack into the employees-only double doors.

Since when did she start working in this dump?

Of course, I don't ask. The less attention drawn the better. I wonder if I should go back. This sort of thing is a lot harder to get away with if someone recognizes you. That's like a secret fourth rule for thieves. No harm in pulling the plug and bailing.

I turn down one more aisle, thinking it will be my last and... There it is!

Who would think to look in the diaper aisle? Makes no sense. Neatly lined on the shelves and racks are exactly the sort of thing everyone wants but nobody gets. Condoms. Lube. Vibrators. And, most importantly, the onahole.

In a shiny black box it stands tall and proud. Fully reversible. Textured with dots and zigzags for maximum pleasure. Stickered with a State of California warning label of reproductive harm. Good thing I'm not reproducing nobody. The thing is just abstract-looking enough, that, if you didn't know what it was for, you would assume it was some fancy sleeve for coffee cups or something.

A little beeper thingy is strapped to it. It blinks with a little red LED. Nothing a trip to the restroom won't fix.

I grab that and some lube and make my way to the back of the store.

The coast is clear, but for good measure I hide in a stall. I stand facing the toilet and carefully pull a magnet from the rear pocket of my jeans. It's a bit of a relief, I didn't realize how uncomfortable that thing was until I took it out. With a careful placement, the wires come loose. I feel quite smug with my accomplishment. After taking a quick piss, I mentally prepare myself for phase three.

"VALUED CUSTOMERS, THE STORE WILL BE CLOSING IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE TAKE YOUR FINAL SELECTIONS TO THE REGISTERS AT THE FRONT OF THE STORE. TOMORROW WE WILL BE OPENING AT 8AM. THANK YOU FOR BEING A ROBERTSONS CUSTOMER."

Outta time. Without flushing, I reached for the door.

Bam! The door hit me! I backed into the wall clutching my face. I think I got a nosebleed...

"OMG I'm sorry! I-uh...! I'll help you in a minute!"

It was Ryan. Fucking Ryan.

Ryan is not my guy. He's sensitive. Polite. Clumsy. Into weird corny stuff like plants and baking. Girls and middle-aged women flock to him like he's a damn puppy. He even brought cell organelle themed cupcakes to biology class. Who does that???

I hear him sigh in relief as his piss joins mine in the urinal. His ill-fitting grocery uniform is dusty, half untucked from baggy black slacks. The curls on his head droop with sweat. The air around him smelled like cardboard tomato sauce. I just go before he can give me more problems.

The line for self-checkout is long, but I'm not too concerned. If anything, maybe this nosebleed situation will make people leave me alone. 'Wonderful Christmastime' is softly playing on speakers in the ceiling that were already crap in the 80's when they were installed. God I hate that song.

A cashier opens up a lane and I see Ryan at the back of the line. He is chatting with a big dumb smile on his face to the old man in line ahead of him. Who just goes around befriending random old people in line? Get a life!

When it is my turn at the self-checkout, I smoothly place my grocery bag on the scale. Banana sticker. Boom. Months of good times for just a dollar and change. Just like that. Naturally, I kept the bag sealed.

I am suddenly chilled by a tap on my shoulder from a long acrylic nail.

"Sir. Can you open your bag?"

It's some manager type with a piercing dark eyes full of... not suspicion, but judgement. She is already tapping something out on her pad to summon security. I'm frozen like a deer in headlights. How did I get caught?! I did everything exactly according to the reddit thread! I hear the security summon code interrupt Mariah Carey over the speakers. Do I run? Will it be worse if I run? Can I play dumb?

Swiftly, the imposing figure bearing the name tag 'Sunny,' separates my bag at the top. I had no chance to stop her. She has the speed and ruthlessness of a morning Zumba instructor with 7.5 lb dumbbells.

The bag opens... revealing... bananas?

She snorts in surprise.

"Wow kid. You're actually buying bananas."

"Uhh... Yeah."

The scary woman waves at the slightly less scary guy coming in from the parking lot.

"We're good Doc. False alarm."

She turns to me.

"Next time, just get a cart and scan them directly. We don't allow shopping into your bag."

"Ok..."

Walking away from the self checkout lane, I couldn't understand how this happened, until I saw Ryan. He looked completely normal, maybe a bit confused, but the old man was mortified. The boy swiped his card.

The cashier wasn't saying anything. I couldn't see her face, but I saw her turn on the flashing light. I had to get out of here.

I rounded the corner, trying to act normal as possible. Through the rounded security mirror above, I saw Ryan already had the attention of Sunny and the security guy. The cashier seemed reluctant to finalize the transaction.

Not my problem.

When I made it to the street, I breathed a sigh of relief. My attempted theft was bungled, but I survived. My dick would just have to wait until I found another opportunity. Or, God forbid, a few weeks after my 14th birthday, assuming I can get a job somewhere. Definitely not there.

I hear the crunchy sound of someone running behind me, but I don't think to hard about it. Lots of joggers will gladly risk their lives and their tendons. I don't get it but it's none of my business.

"Hey man!"

The boy's voice cracks with how out of breath he is. Oh shit.

"Hi Ryan."

He walks next to me. Shivering. Doesn't he have a coat? He totally would just run out here without his coat over some bananas.

"I think we accidentally switched bags hahaha..."

"Right. Well. It's your stuff now. Have fun."

I don't exactly have 30 bucks lying around for lube and onaholes.

"But ummm... Don't you want your stuff?"

"Nope."

I try walking faster but he seems eager to keep up, as if that will make him warmer.

"Well umm... Do you have your phone? I forgot my locker combo at work."

"Left it at home."

"Ah. Well. Sorry for hitting you in the bathroom again."

"It's fine. My nose isn't bleeding anymore."

He has a bit of an awkward gait. Always has. I feel kinda bad for hurrying along and making him go faster. A gust of wind comes along and sways us, blasting our faces with snow off the snowbank. Ryan stumbles, but recovers. I taste a coppery lukewarm liquid on my lips. Actually, I don't feel bad. Screw Ryan.

We get to his house and he waves goodbye. He knocks, but no one lets him in. Maybe his parents are sleeping. Not my problem. I keep going.

And... Then he's back. Awkwardly limping through the snow. He really is like a damn puppy.

"I'm locked out."

"Yeah. I see that."

It's another block to my house. I'm not sure if I should invite him and get busted. It would be kinda a dick move to leave him here. Although we have other neighbors...

"Can I, maybe, borrow your phone when you get there?"

"I snuck out. My parents don't know I'm out."

"Oh. Maybe if I knocked on the door?"

"That would be too sus. Can't you ask one of the other neighbors?"

"C'mon man! I said I was sorry!"

He's shivering and looking like he might cry. Ugh. I really want to be the asshole and not have to worry about getting busted...

"Fine. But wait until I get in and then ring the- actually, no. Better yet... Follow me."

I start sneakin' along my one neighbor's fence towards the backyard.

"You don't live here."

"Nope."

"We're trespassing."

"No shit."

"Can't we just go around?"

"Do you want to phone home or not??"

"Umm... Yes..."

He's worse than a puppy. He's like a kicked puppy. I think. Actually, I don't know what kicked puppies are like. But probably whiny and prone to following whoever is in front of them.

I crawl through the hole in the fence again, only now it snags on my jeans. I make a loud noise when I fall over. Damnit...

"Are you ok?!"

"Not so loud dumbass!" I hiss.

He wasn't as loud as me, but I don't care. I get up, leaving some blood on the snow. If I had a cool injury, it would be something to be proud of. Instead I have a nosebleed. Maybe I can pretend I got in a fight...

Just past the fence is the garage. I dig the old wooden ladder out of the snow. Climbing up behind the garage is tricky. The snow and cold make it hard to grip the rungs with gloves. It would have been nice if it was there for the way down, but honestly that drop was kind of fun. Johnny and I used to jump off there onto the trampoline, until we got caught.

Ryan takes a while, grabbing the ladder with one hand at a time. He needs to use the grocery bag to protect his hands.

"I've never snuck in anywhere before..."

"Shhh."

I approach my window. The light of my cell phone casts a blue and purple glow on the ceiling. I reach for the shim at the window when a flashlight shines in my face.

Mom wordlessly lets me in, still working late on a tech support call. West Coast idiots probably. Her eyes shoot at me like daggers. But she's a lot nicer to Ryan, helping him struggle through the window. She looks apologetic even. How does he keep doing that?!

We sit on the lower bunk until she can take a break. I have toilet paper bundled up on my face. The ceiling lamp casts a yellowy light on everything like the interrogation room in a crime drama. Only with anime posters and drywall instead of cream-painted cinder blocks. Mom's very professional voice is the only thing to be heard. My cellphone was muted before we even got here. Neither of us dares ask for it.

Finally, the call ends.

"What were you doing?"

"I'M SORRY! ITS MY FIRST DAY OF WORK AND I FORGOT MY LOCKER COMBINATION AND IT HAS MY HOUSE KEYS AND I ASKED COLETTE TO TEXT-"

"Slow down baby. You're not in trouble." She replied sweetly.

HOW?! How is he pulling this off?!

"AND- I uh, so um he said would come but..."

"I thought I would get in trouble." I add reasonably.

She looks at me like I just lied. I so did not lie! It's just misleading... Mom turns back to Ryan, full of compassion.

"...he said I could stay the night?" Ryan glances up at the bunk bed and continues "-until my dad comes home, that is."

"Incredible."

I have to agree with Mom, but for completely different reasons. She closes her eyes, pausing, before giving me a bright smile.

"You didn't tell me you made a new friend!"

"Ugh..."

"I'm so happy! Honestly, it was never healthy for you to just latch on to Johnny's friends. This boy-"

"I'm Ryan, Ma'am."

"-Ryan, here, is just the kind of influence you need! How old are you? I can't believe you are already working!"

Mom leads us downstairs singing Ryan's praises. We leave our bags upstairs. Thank God Mom didn't even think to look in Ryan's bag, just mine. This situation could be so much worse.

Which is not to say it is good exactly...

~~~

It's 9pm and I'm picking at my microwave lasagna. Ryan's dad approved this sleepover via text message as of ten minutes ago. Ryan and Mom are chatting amiably about succulents. I hate succulents. If you suck at plants so bad you need some weird ugly crap that hardly drinks water then just don't get plants. For that matter, dear reader, if you have a succulent, and do not live in Red Dead Redemption-ville, you should be ashamed and I will laugh at you.

I give my most convincingly sincere yawn. Mom shoots me a look for interrupting.

"I'm tired. I think I'm going to bed."

She looks at her watch and relaxes somewhat, "Ah sorry boys. You've been through all that wind and snow and I'm keeping you up."

She goes to the linen closet and passes Ryan a fresh towel.

"Here Ryan, you go shower. I'll send trouble, over here, in a bit to bring you fresh pajamas and to wash your things."

"Thanks ma'am."

I treat this as a very reasonable moment to sneak away, until Mom grabs my collar. It's sharp... Why does everyone have to have acrylic nails???

I get a short lecture. It's not terrible. Mostly Mom is on about the importance of communication and trust. She totally, probably, would have let Ryan stay the night if I just asked, even if I have been in frequent trouble lately. This was an emergency, after all. Yada yada. AND I need to watch and listen to Ryan, treat him like a role model.

It takes every remaining ounce of my willpower not to smirk at the notion of treating RYAN like a role model. I mean, look at him. He is such a teacher's pet, he may as well have come here in his own personal cage, complete with a hamster wheel and detailed instructions for care.

Actually it's worse than that. The dearly departed Pepper (R.I.P), the Roborovski hamster from my third grade class, bit my finger once when I was annoying him. Ryan couldn't stand up to a stiff breeze. So, in fact, this guy is MORE of a class pet than an actual class pet.

Mom does seem to read my thoughts though. She always does when I specifically want to hide something. It's the worst. I get a whole bonus, pre-emptive lecture about being nice to Ryan and not bullying him. Which is completely unfair. I'm not a bully. I play hilarious pranks and steal things. Like, last time I checked, I was the one risking my phone privileges and personal freedom to keep this guy from turning into a limping popsicle. That might not have been my intention, but here he was, intact and complimenting her cooking.

And I might add (but not to Mom), it was not actually her cooking but a premade frozen brick from the same grocery store he works at. Who's the dishonest one now??? Exactly.

Anyway. Mom dismissed me with exactly one head pat for being 'mostly good' and I get to deliver shorts and a tee shirt to my soon-to-be replacement in the bathroom. I chose the least grass stained shorts and a plain white tee. Not because they are reasonable choices, but because I don't respect him enough to give him shorts with grass stains, let alone a printed character tee.

This is just a quit-pro-quote thing. Which is Latin for he saved me from getting in trouble and I let him not freeze to death.

Although honestly the old sword art online one would look good on him... And some stretchy briefs... What am I saying? Nonsense. That's what. I don't think Ryan would look good in anything.

Not like that. Stop it.

So I open the door and see him standing there, naked, completely dry, with one hand over his crotch. The lower faucet of the tub is dripping from his fiddling with the knob. Seriously??? I feel like the universe is playing ping pong with my life. I look away, at the wall, a full six seconds too late.

"I umm... How do you turn on the hot water?"

"You pull it, then twist, but not all the way." I say as if it were obvious. Because it is.

"Ah thanks."

After adjusting the water temperature, he carefully swings one leg in, wobbling. And then the other. I sometimes forget that his impairment isn't really limited to awkward running and awkward stairs, but awkward everything else involving legs. I hope he has a walk-in shower at home. I look at his roundish butt until it disappears behind the curtains. Even if it's just a very normal butt. Can't blame me for that. I already spent my remaining willpower for the day.

I take Ryan's work clothes to the wash and throw in my own things from my hamper. Can't have anyone seeing those in their present state. Cold water. Detergent. Vinegar. Easy.

When I return upstairs from the basement, Mom has more to say. Because of course she does.

"Good job with the laundry. Now I need to go keep Ryan company in the bathroom."

"What? Why?"

"You know... He might need help getting out of the shower."

"That sounds condescending."

"Look at you, using big words now."

"Didn't you say not to be mean?"

"Please. You already take group showers. Just chill there with your phone. If he kicks you out, he kicks you out. Easy."

"Fine..."

I have got to stop talking the same way my mom does. It feels like my way until she says it her way. Feels corny. I go upstairs and grab my phone off the upper bed. The stream is long over. I might check out the video on YouTube later. A new message from Johnny... It's a video of a cat kneading the back of a boy trying not to laugh. Cute. Relatable even. But I don't respond. People who leave me to live with their not-even-that rich biological dad get a 24-hour delay on all non-urgent coms.

It's just policy.

On my way to the bathroom, Mom reminds me that I also need to shower when Ryan is done. I don't need to be told that. I'm 13. But I don't complain either. I'm weirdly looking forward to it. I'm sure that is just some random hormone thing that has nothing to do with being gay. Cause I'm not.

I knock just in case.

"Umm... come in?"

"Mom told me to keep you company. No pressure if you'd rather have the bathroom to yourself."

"No it's cool. I'm actually a little worried about tripping when I get out to be honest."

"Alright."

I start brushing my teeth, as much to distract me from my boner as anything. It's cinnamon toothpaste. I hate cinnamon toothpaste.

"So what was that thing you almost bought anyway? Is it for a coffee mug? It's weird."

"Let's not talk about that."

"Ok..." Ryan pauses. "You got a nice money plant."

"Thanks. I guess."

"Can I take home a cutting?"

I want to tell him to take the whole thing.

"Ask my mom, I dunno."

A strawberry smell wafts over the curtain. It's the children's tear-free shampoo my little cousin uses when we babysit. You could not make me smell like that if you threatened my life. If I used that, I would probably instantly vaporize, my soul condemned to a special section of hell modelled on manic screaming nausea at a daycare bounce house.

"Wow! I haven't used this stuff in ages! I forgot how nice it smells!"

Ryan has apparently not vaporized.

"You smelled like, piney, earlier. I noticed when I hit you with the door." He continued.

"Oh?"

I think. I don't have any piney soap. But that sounded kinda halfway correct... Right. Johnny's hoodie. He always put that cheap cologne on. I mean it's not cheap. But I always made fun of him for it. He could rub himself on the tree in the backyard and smell better for free.

"That's my brother's cologne."

"It's nice! What's it called?"

"I don't know. He got it from that hand washing store in the mall. With the bunnies."

"OMG I LOVE THAT PLACE."

Ugh. Ryan elaborates on at least five different kinds of soap with weird nonsense names before he finishes. Johnny would unironically marry this guy.

When my new friend/replacement finished showering, he did need help getting out. It was very awkward. My shorts couldn't hide my boner. And then Ryan's leg spazzed for a second and he fell into me, pressing me into the wall, back to chest. His butt hit my dick like one of those foam dodgeballs. Harmless but with an unmistakable impression. Bouncy castle hell sounded pretty good all of a sudden.

"...don't worry. I get those all the time. They're the worst, right?"

"Haha yeah..."

Ryan's attitude put me at ease. Johnny's friends, my friends really, would have mercilessly teased me. I kinda miss them too, I only ever see them in our group chat now.

I decided I didn't mind showering with Ryan around. I started stripping and we chatted while he hung out on the downed toilet seat. I didn't look behind me, but I felt him looking too. Probably just normal straight guy curiousity. Nothing to it...

I kept the water cold for like ten seconds to make my boner go away.

Ryan and I talked across the curtain. One common interest we did share was anime. He liked my posters. He was into a lot of stuff I hadn't seen. Some of it was shojo and not really my thing, but the others sounded really cool. Mecha was basically his favorite thing ever.

"I even designed my own Mecha! For like a story I got. I call it the Synthesion MK. 39! It's the standard model of the-"

I'm sure you can imagine how the rest of that bit went. I mostly zoned out on the deep lore. He kept talking even while taking a piss, and it was a little hard to hear him between that and the shower. At least he was polite enough not to flush just yet. I came back to consciousness when he got to the cool stuff.

"And it has DARK ENERGY LASERS! Which are forbidden by galactic treaty! But he didn't want them on there! The alien nano-machines put them in! And they saved his life! So to hide it he always fights with a R.A.V.W. (RAPID ARC VIBRATION WEAPON), not because it is the best weapon but because it is great for forcing his enemies far from the zone of battle and then he can mask his ion signatures-!"

I had just stepped out of the shower at this point and the conversation paused because we saw each other naked. Ryan was sitting on the toilet with a boner. I think he was about four and half. It's hard to tell. Bigger than me. But not hairer. He didn't seem concerned with hiding it. A very dark brown curly bush surrounded the base of his dick, leading to a lighter happy trail to the naval. He looked less lean sitting down and hunched like that, his belly folding. His skin was pretty clear, he looked pretty normal, boyish. No hair on his face or neck. He might have shaved his armpits. He gave a shy smile.

"Ah. Um. Where was I?"

"You pee sitting down?"

"Oh yeah. With my legs, I don't really trust myself to aim. Unless I'm at a urinal or something. Heh."

"Oh. That makes sense."

We wrapped ourselves up and went to my bedroom. I carried Ryan's borrowed clothes, because he stepped out without. In my room, I shut and locked the door as usual, and started picking out pajamas. Plain black shorts to better conceal my boner. Then I opt for a shirt that was my Christmas gift from Johnny last year. It's just a plain black shirt with a slogan on it.

"OMG that's the meme shirt! That's so you!"

"What so I'm a jerk? Or cause I'm short?"

"I mean, kinda both. But you're funny too."

I throw a conveniently placed plushie at him.

He throws it back. "How tall are you anyway?"

"5'0. I'll get my growth spurt. You'll see."

"I'm 5'2."

"No you aren't!"

"Am too!"

We do a height comparison. Ryan proves himself taller, with difficulty. Standing up straight and balancing is tricky for him. He almost drops his towel.

"Aren't you getting dressed?"

"Would it be alright if I slept naked?Or if I just wore a shirt? In case I need to run to the bathroom... It's kind of a pain to get dressed and undressed..." He said with some embarrassment.

"Sure." I shrugged.

If it were anyone else, I would have roasted them. Even though I usually sleep naked anyway, even when Johnny lived here. But Ryan, I was alright with him for some reason. I climbed to the top bunk. With a mattress between us, he might as well be clothed. And if I happened to go down for water or something, well... No harm in a quick glance.

We chatted a bit before Mom knocked on the door to make me turn of the light.

"I DON'T CARE WHO THE IRS SENDS! IM NEVER-"

"Yeah yeah, you want your allowance this weekend?!"

"Really? I mean yes!"

I turned off the lights. I can't believe my allowance is getting restored... My little cousin Cierra only cut her own hair here last Friday... Maybe my aunt and uncle decided she looks cute with a professionally fixed pixie cut. idk

Ryan and I talked a bit more, keeping real quiet. I had a popular sleeping playlist going on my phone anyway, it was charging near the door so it should help obscure any talk. I'm not supposed to take it to bed with me.

"I like this..." Ryan yawned. "I don't know why."

"The children yearn for the mines..."

"I'm not a kid, I'm older than you... But yeah that makes sense now. Very nostalgic."

"When I told my uncle I felt nostalgic for this song, that he said I should hurry up and bury him before the flies show up."

"Millennials... So dramatic."

I put on my best old man voice "When I was a boy... We didn't have fancy red stones or even bees! Can you imagine life without bees?!"

Ryan laughed too loud at that and Mom said something though the walls. I got the gist of it.

It took a long time to fall asleep.

~~~

I woke up fairly early to the sound of Ryan coming back in the room. There was soft light reflected in off the snow on the garage roof. He dropped his towel on the chair, revealing a boner that apparently never went away.

"Mornin..." I mumble.

"Oh hi... Umm... Don't be mad."

"What, you piss yourself?"

"No. I had a wet dream."

"Oh that's it? Don't worry about it."

"Whew..." He instantly relaxed. "I did my best to clean it up."

"That's why the sheets are black."

"Oh right. Makes sense."

The naked boy disappeared from view to lay back down. Too bad.

"If you want to jerk off, you can. I don't mind as long as you're quiet. Helps prevent that sort of thing."

"Is that like a meme thing?"

"What?"

"Jerk."

"No...?"

"It's on your shirt."

"No it isn't. Not usually." I chuckled at my own joke.

"I don't get it."

"Choke the chicken. Slap the monkey. Squeeze the ketchup."

"Squeeze the ketchup??"

"Ok fine. I made that one up."

"But not the others?"

"Do you masturbate???"

"Ohhhhhh! That! Not really. I hear guys talk about it sometimes."

How naive could this guy be?

"Have you ever done it?"

"Oh yeah. But nothing happened. I don't see what the big deal is."

I knew more when I was ten years old! How could he not know??? I snort.

"Don't laugh!"

"Heh sorry... Here, I'm coming down."

In theory, going out of your way to look at a guy's dick, touch a guy's dick, talk about a guy's dick, that's all pretty gay. But there are exceptions. There's this thing called bro code. Special circumstances of bro code allow for sort of gay actions for important reasons, but you're ultimately still straight.

Are you and your best friend are stuck in a desert island for the rest of your lives? Or at an all-boys-camp for two weeks? Maybe you got blue balled by your girlfriend after a bad date and you need to relieve some stress? Bro code is for that sort of thing.

The most important acceptable circumstance for this sort of thing, is to introduce a slightly younger or otherwise ignorant friend or male relative to jerking off.

It was only right and just. There is not a straight guy on earth who regrets learning how to jerk off. And, strictly speaking, I wouldn't even have to touch him.

"Want me to teach you how?"

He hesitates.

"It's awesome. Trust me."

"Ok...?"

I started by getting naked. For proper demonstration. My boner flipped out of my shorts with enthusiasm, all 4 inches of it. Johnny used to give his a name, and reveal it dramatically through the bathroom door. I'm sure you can imagine. I always thought it was stupid, but moments like these make me think dicks have their own personality. Maybe they deserve names...

I don't know what I'd call mine. Or Ryan's. His curves, like the bananas in the bag next to the bed.

I dug through the other bag for lube and the onahole. It was made from stretchy black plasticky stuff. I inverted it, giving it a more classically recognizable shape. I warmly remember my first time masterbating. Johnny passed me his, after I caught him doing it late at night. I had stuck it on my own dick when he was done, almost hot to the touch inside after he finished. It was the most incredible thing!

Although now, for me, it would be cold and a tad uncomfortable. We used to take turns deciding who would warm it up for the other. Those were the days... But I would not subject Ryan to a subpar experience of a cold onahole! As everyone knows, the bro code accepts recently used onaholes for precisely this benefit. And this way no one has to touch anyone else's dick directly.

"Slide over."

"It's still a bit wet there."

"It's fine, I don't care."

Ryan shifts over. He's looking at me and the onahole. He hasn't quite put it together. But I will.

"You start by putting lube in the onahole."

"The what?"

"The onahole. Don't worry about what it says on the box. That's just branding. This is an onahole, like in general."

"Ok..."

I join him on the bed, his dick sways as I adjust myself closer. It's okay to be touching a little. His bare skin is a bit cold at the hip, probably where he just washed up. Ryan doesn't seem to mind, he has more room to his opposite side if he needs it.

"Then, you lower the onahole over your penis."

His eyes widen as I lower it on myself. The lube is cold, but my boner stays firm. This situation is too hot for soft dicks.

"You squeeze, just a little, get the air out."

A wet, fart-like noise emerges from the item. We both giggle. It's such a random stupid thing.

"Then you rub it, up and down. Nice and slow. Maybe twist a bit too. However you like to move it, really."

I keep going for a while, glancing at Ryan to make sure he's paying attention. As I pick up the pace his dick starts moving, from me swaying the bed frame and mattress. I'm already close.

"That's it?"

"Yeah... Let me just... Finish warming it up for you..."

"You're going to have a wet dream in there?"

"Kinda."

"Weird."

"Feels better... than it looks."

I realize my expression is probably a bit strained, with pleasure, of course, but that's not how guys look in porno. Not that I would know. I don't what I look like right now, but it's probably not that.

"Oooooo-! Ah... wow."

Quickly, a warm feeling fills me, like sinking into mud. Or oatmeal. My waist is, like, filled with a molten core of happiness. I want to hug someone. But it's a little early in our friendship for that. And ideally, should be done with clothes...

I don't take too much time to enjoy the feeling.

"Your turn!"

Ryan takes the onahole from me. I carefully pass it upside down, to keep the stuff inside. He squeezes it, listening to the sloshy noise. He seems amused, grinning like a kid with a fidget toy. Which is not exactly how it's done.

"Hurry up and put it on, while it's warm."

He tentatively turns the thing over and is surprised when a little stream of lube and semen pours on his bare belly.

"Ah!"

"Quick! Put it on! I'll keep it from dripping!"

Classic beginner mistake. I rub the stuff over his belly and chest. Sometimes a little mess is inevitable.

"Ooowah! Don't spread it on me! Spread it on yourself!"

With one free hand he attacks back! I let him, mostly. It feels nice. The whole time he keeps stroking.

"This is so gross hehe..." He muttered with a sly smile. "So bad..."

The free hand grabs my dick, sliding slippery around and below. My balls are dry so he rolls those around too. A minor violation of the bro code. But I'll overlook it. He picks up the pace, with shorter, faster movements.

"I think I... have to pee."

"You just went, that's something else, keep going!"

I'm a natural fit for coaching this sort thing. Experience helps.

"Ahahah-Ah!"

Ryan bucks his hips, then rests them. A new three-part mix oozes at the base of his penis. Neither of us says anything for a while. This is the make it or break it moment. More than a few of Johnny's friends were a bit awkward after this sort of thing. None of them ever regretted it, they all were close enough to joke about it later. But some definitely preferred to do it alone after learning how. Understandable really. If you're extra straight. I think.

"That's was amazing..."

"I know right..."

Unceremoniously, he dumps the contents on my belly.

"Hey!"

"Now we're even! Haha!"

I roll on top of Ryan! Bro code be damned! This is a serious attack! It's all I can do to keep the sperms from completely soaking the bed. I attempt to tickle him from both arm pits... But he's immune! He laughs defiantly and smears the stuff in my hair. The close cropped texture of it, combined with the warm sticky, slippery substance, it's interesting. I might try that with my own hands when I'm alone... But for now I attack! I tickle the neck, and finally!

Ryan bends his neck, drops his hands... but I'm at both sides! His leg starts to spasm weirdly, which surprises me, but he sweeps with the other leg, dropping me! I face plant in the stuff! It tastes weird. Two can play at that! I grab the bars of the bunk ladder and pull myself forward! My chest touches his chin, but that's as far as it goes... But the boy pushes back! Sitting up! Getting his own hair messed up, dark curls plastered and flattening! Half his face shining with the reflected light from outside!

He looks ridiculous! He looks incredible! I could kiss him... If it it wasn't forbidden by bro code... He shoves me back, and we're flipping! His weight is about the same as mine, I think, but he's taller, stronger, his hips grind into me as of by instinct. Mine are grinding back?! It feels great! It feels right!

I can barely think... I do something I haven't done in a long time. It's fine, just this once. You can't help it when you're this horny... I kiss Ryan's neck! He twists his head, gasping, opening up for me to do... Stuff! I don't really know what I'm doing. I suck hard, the saltiness of his skin, the estatic (?) reaction of him twisting, jumping (!) with each push of my tongue.

New school vocab words like estatic feel right here, although I probably can't talk about this event on the test...

Then the force from his penis hits me! It's gentle but really it's like falling from a high place on a bouncing earth! Like a quake! Ryan shudders! I catch it too! Like a bouncy ball in a shrinking box! My hips go in and out, but closer for every thrust! A piece of me, as real as my hands and feet, escapes! It's both of us, mixed together... And between each other... I...

I fall asleep.

~~~

I wake up some minutes later. Ryan is still pinning me. He peers down with a stupid grin. Not like the one before. I feel his wet finger on my remaining dry cheek. It's... A circle...? An eight...? Here's another character... He's drawn... a penis.

"Dude!"

"Hahaha! I wasn't done with my revenge. I bet you didn't see that coming!"

He's says this with no understanding or appreciation for his double meaning. He's actually funnier for it. I give him a tight squeeze. Despite bro code lying shredded and partially burnt on the floor, I've never had a better time!

"That was amazing!"

"I mean, you should know. It was your idea. Was that sex? I think we might have broken rules."

"What like the bro code?"

"No, I mean, I don't know what that is. I meant no sex before marriage. All the adults say it."

"Pfft. They say no eating after midnight and to wear sunscreen too."

"Those are good rules though..."

"Still not sex. Not exactly. We're fine."

"Ok. Cool."

It's a bit difficult to determine what we should do next. At least Mom is off to work at her other job... Probably. We still go sneakin' together to the bathroom, just in case. Real quiet. As if everything else wouldn't have woken the whole house....

We shower together. I used to shower with Johnny. We did it all the time when I was still learning how. Rarely when we were older. Still, I'm good at it. I get all the gunk off Ryan that he misses, since he lost his contacts in the shower yesterday. His pubes have little flecks of white stuff. This sort of thing is also an exception for the bro code.

He returns the favor, not that I need it, rolling my balls around in his hand when I'm doing my hair. Not really bro code but, it shouldn't be a problem. Like, I think I remember Johnny saying that early mistakes aren't a big deal back when I was learning. Probably. I'll have to ask my brother to be sure.

The onahole is all rinsed off, the pattern outside and smooth side in again.

We kinda almost do stuff in the shower but my penis is a little sore. Those pubes can be a little scratchy after a while. Humping Ryan was the most fun I've ever had, but an onahole definitely has its advantages. I also think most guys, like if they were up for any kind of bro code related fun, would prefer an onahole, if not separate onaholes, to humping each other. You have to have the exception to prove the rule. I think.

"Do you want to try kissing?"

"Like mouth to mouth?" I flush.

"Yeah. Like adults do sometimes. Since we already tried a bunch of other stuff, could be fun..."

I consider this. Generally bro code doesn't allow that. It's basically always romantic to kiss. And guy romance is for girls. Not other guys. Kissing boys is 200% gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay... Just the bro code basically exists to help guys not do all the gay stuff if they want to be straight.

There is only one exception I know about. Johnny and his friends, the three closest ones really, made a double bet on the Superbowl last year. Two guys for one team, two for the other. The losers had to make out, in front of the whole school at dismissal.

"Only if we lose a bet. I'd kiss you for that."

"Is that Bro code?"

"Bro code."

"Sounds kind of random."

"It's the rules. We already kind of bent them today. I'll have to consult with the bro council for advice."

Ryan laughs at this. I get it. I used to think the bro code was pretty silly, when I was like ten. When you're new to this stuff, it's only fun that matters. But being gay, it's a little scary. Bro code helps you have fun without crossing that line. To do the fun stuff without the scary.

"Well... we could make a bet."

"Alright." Ryan absently squeezes my dick as he says this. Really, he's been sitting on the bottom of the tub and playing with my privates the whole time. Standing this long is kinda hard for him. And balls are fun to play with. I get that.

"I bet the sky is green."

"Then, I bet it's blue." He gestures to me. "C'mon."

"Wait wait. It's a double bet. We both have to lose."

"Ok... I also bet the sky is green."

I get on my hands and knees, leaning into towards Ryan. It's a little awkward. He lowers himself, laying on the floor of the tub, I got on top of him once more, careful. My penis is still sensitive. Slowly, closer...our lips just start to touch...and we pause.

We're like two magnets. But facing the wrong way. Backing up.

"Your breath stinks." I tell him.

"Yours is worse."

"Nuh-uh."

"It's like hot garbage."

"It's like something crawled in there and died."

Ryan laughs and I slide down a bit, resting my head on his chest. His arms rest on my shoulders. This is nice... More guys should be chill like this, with hugs or jokes about their breath.

At this point the water is getting cold. Ryan has me keeping him slightly warm, but for me it's a bit much. Ryan slips on his first attempt to get up, he hugs my legs and my penis pokes his face. We laugh about it, instead of letting it be awkward and weird. That's how I know he's a cool guy.

"Try again later?"

"If we bet again."

"Bet."

"No, bet we don't!"

"Oh, right! Bet we don't."

He's catching on.

~~~

We go downstairs for breakfast, still naked, now that we know for sure that Mom is at work. She left a note with chores for me and a reminder that Ryan has work 12-8 today. I threw his stuff in the dryer when I saw that, not wanting to forget. I should do the sheets too.

I also crank up the thermostat, just temporarily. The schedule will be the same tomorrow. Mom leaves it kinda cold during the day, but it's winter break right now. No school. It's been a while since I could spend a naked day with anyone.

Ryan loads up his cereal with a roughly chopped banana, one of the ones I bought yesterday without meaning to. They float in the crisp rice like islands. I should probably focus on eating, but I finally text my brother back. I do need the advice. I might mention to the group chat too, not with too many details though.

Under the table, I feel Ryan tapping my feet with his. He doesn't look up, but he has a funny expression. I lift one foot up and set it right in his lap. He giggled, doing the same to me. But he had to set it down to keep his balance.

"Man this is crazy. I probably haven't been naked for so long in years." He said.

"Really? I'm naked whenever I'm home alone."

"What about when your bro lived here?"

"Of course. That's who taught me bro code."

"Makes sense."

"When do you get naked?"

"I dunno. Showering I guess. I usually just wear a tee shirt to bed. I have sisters so there's that."

"You're still pretty open, considering. I know guys who are more shy but had more experience."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Ryan absently plays with himself, thinking it through.

"I guess, for my family, the rule always was you could be naked only as long as everyone else was okay with it. Usually they aren't but skinny dipping at night is ok sometimes. When I go camping with my cousins in the summer, there's a boy's tent and a lot of us go naked in there. We might wrestle or do stuff like this-"

He taps my foot.

"-but we never masterbated. I mean I literally just found out how that works.

"Are you the oldest?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Do you want to do stuff like this there?"

"Jeez. I dunno. Probably not. I'd be in huge trouble. I don't think they all could keep a secret. I'd feel weird about it with most of them anyway. Maybe Max if it was just us two... He's 12."

"My brother taught me."

"You never got in trouble?"

"For everything and anything but that. We always kept it a secret."

Ryan finished his food pretty quick. He does have work pretty soon, It's 10:30 at this point. For the remaining time, we just play a few video games. Years of playing against Johnny give me an edge, but I try not to be overly competitive. There's some co-op stuff we try too, like cuphead.

That goes on for like 30 minutes. When I get up to go pee, Ryan asks me to grab a pen.

"Why?"

"So you can have my number!"

"Right, right."

After I finish my business I grab a washable marker from Cierra's coloring tote. I'm not very good at not losing things, and I didn't get a chance to steal any, so my backpack is out of pens.

"Here you go!"

"Do you got any paper?"

"Just write it on your arm, tell me when you're ready."

I lay down on the floor (with a conveniently placed blanket) and resume playing. Or rather considering the selection screen. We decided that dying three times in cuphead was enough. I hear Ryan get up, but don't think too much about it. I feel a cold wet streak on my back.

"Du-de!"

It's hard not to laugh. I like this side of Ryan. I could never imagine him writing on his friends at school.

"Hold still! It's hard to write backwards."

"Backwards?"

"So you can read it in the mirror!"

"How do I know you're not drawing another penis?"

"Because you can feel it!"

I'm not good enough at this game to know exactly what he is writing. His handwriting feels fancy though. He puts a little slash through his sevens.

"Ok now give me a dragon busting out of me, with like blood and claws and stuff! Tattoo style!" I say.

"Hang on... There's my number. You said you wanted a bunny? Maybe some rainbows?"

I roll over and we wrestle a bit. I get more marker on me but it's cool. I don't have to impress anyone today. Of course, Ryan wins again. He's pretty strong, considering how much trouble he has with his legs.

I lay on my back out of breath, while Ryan is on my chest. Our dicks are getting hard again... He smiles, squinting, and lets me go, rolling on his own back.

There really isn't any tension over the fun we had. No teasing or embarrassment. We're just two naked guys chilling. I never would have thought Ryan would become such a close friend overnight...

I mentally apologize to Mom for also being charmed by this guy for absolutely no good reason.

"Can I borrow your phone? I want to ask my dad if what we did this morning was okay."

Scratch that. Ryan is a naive dumbass. No one should ever do cool stuff with him for any reason.

"SERIOUSLY?!"

"What? It's not a big deal, right? I just want to be sure."

"We'll totally get in trouble!"

"But you said it's not bad!"

"Cause it isn't!"

"You're freaking me out."

He looks scared. Maybe I should cool it a bit. Be reasonable.

"Look. There's some things that are okay, there's some things that aren't okay. Some things are tricky and nobody agrees. Everyone has got opinions. Getting naked and masturbating are just one of those tricky things."

"So shouldn't I ask my Dad then anyway? I ask him about tricky stuff all the time." He said.

"No. Because then he might freak out, and then my mom would freak out, and then people might think we're gay-"

"I think I'm gay-"

"Good for you. I'm not. I just like fun, anyway-"

"Don't interrupt me! That's mean. My Dad isn't a bad person. He's not going to freak out cause I did one thing that I didn't know was right or wrong when I did it. And I don't care what other people think."

Ugh... This guy is giving me a headache. How can he be so smart and stupid at the same time?

He continues "Like tons of guys already don't like me and they don't even know me, it doesn't matter!"

He's actually tearing up. I feel really conflicted... Like this is a stupid conversation but I want to give him a hug. But I'm also mad.

"And tons of people would really not like me if they knew I went around doing gay shit!" I shoot back.

"I thought you didn't care what people think?! Isn't that why you get in trouble?! You're the last guy who should care about that stuff!"

That hit a nerve. I want to throw the controller at him. Of course I don't care what people think! That's the point of being cool! I don't even want to let them think about me in the first place! Why does he think I'm always sneaking?! But it's hard to say all that in the moment...

"Whatever."

Ryan gives me a bad look. It's like I kicked him. I wish he wouldn't...

"I'm going to ask my Dad anyway. It's not like I need your phone."

"I don't care... You'd be stupid but I don't care."

Ugh that sounded lame. He'd probably hit me if he could hear me thinking that.

"I need my clothes."

No one has boners anymore. Ryan is standing like he'll go downstairs himself if I don't, like I'm bad enough that I might not. Am I? I don't want to help him. It's totally stupid and selfish, but I don't.

I huff and stomp to the basement.

Ryan gets dressed right in the living room. It's real awkward now. I'm getting less mad, more sad. But he's isn't. He ties his shoes like they stepped on his science cupcakes. It's not fair that HE gets to screw everything up but I'M the asshole for telling him that.

If I could rewind time a few minutes, I'd just avoid the question. Distract him with a few skillful pulls on his dick. I'd even give him head! Bro code allows this sort of thing in emergencies. Keeping secrets is the number one rule. Sneaking. Literally anything gay is acceptable if helps you keep your secrets.

Before he walks out, he looks at me, uncertain, but still serious.

"Text me later."

"Yeah."

The door shuts with just enough force to make a point, but not be rude.

Ugh... Fuck my life...

I need to text Johnny. I don't want to do that. He's going to laugh at me...

First I throw the sheets in the wash. Bundled up at my face, I smell everything. The whole morning and last night. Fake strawberry, pancake batter, sweat... There's also some cinnamon there. Ryan must drool when he sleeps. Did he use my toothbrush?

I don't bother getting dressed. I grab Ryan's onahole and go at it one more time. Just to feel better for at least a minute. My own 3.85 inches can barely get hard. I think about Ryan, not anyone else, like usual. I can usually think of a dozen guys. Sometimes a girl if I try really hard. It's just not that great. I cry a little when I'm done. For no reason! It's so stupid.

I don't bother cleaning up. Time to text Johnny.

*Hey bro.*

*Bout time you answered. Thought you got isekai'd.*

*God I wish.*

*What'd you do now? It can't be worse than leaving our cousin alone with scissors. Unless Mom found the drapes. Did she find the drapes??*

*No*

I pause. I don't want to hit send on the next message. But I know what he's gonna ask. I see those three little dots moving.

*I broke bro code.*

My phone starts ringing to the beat of the theme of a certain bad horror movie. Why does he have to call?? Isn't it against the rule for zoomers to call?! That's what the memes say anyway... I pick up on the high pitched screamy bit towards the end.

"Bro."

"Bro."

"Tell me about it."

"You're not going to make fun of me?"

"Maybe later. Also my girlfriend is here chilling and she might get mad."

"WHY WOULD I BE MAD JOHNNY?!"

"NOTHING ROSIE! JUST A LITTLE JOKE! YOU PLAY SOLO FOR A WHILE!"

"NOOO! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS STUPID FLOWER THING!"

It's like a punch to the gut. A fairly light one, mostly used for dramatic effect but it's not like I don't feel it. They're already dating? And they're shouting across the house instead of walking up to each other? And he's carrying her in Cuphead co-op mode?

Forget Mom replacing me with Ryan. Johnny has fully upgraded.

"Are you two having sex?"

"NUH UH UH! This isn't about me. Besides, bro code is for keeping secrets."

"HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS ON ABOUT BRO CODE BUT KNOW ZERO HOT GUYS!"

"ROSIE THIS IS SERIOUS!"

"IF YOU WERE SERIOUS YOU'D FIND AT LEAST ONE HOT GUY WHO MIGHT WANT TO TRY-"

"I'M TAKING A WALK!"

He mutes his end of the conversation. I can never tell if Rosie is being serious or not. I only met her last summer on a trip to visit and back then she was 'just a friend.' Her whole thing was saying outrageous stuff really loud to get a rise out of people. But at least Johnny was denying they were together then. That made it funny.

I'd be jealous if I wasn't sad. Not sure of who...

"Sorry about that bro. You were saying?"

It's windy where he is. Probably warm too.

"I can't believe you left us for a girl."

"I left because I had a bit too much fun with some plants. You would be jealous of the hot juvie guards screwing me otherwise."

"You said they had nothing on you."

"And they don't."

He paused. Saying hi to some rando, I think. It's hard to tell. Johnny is not that serious, that's why everyone likes him. For example, I have never once screwed Johnny, despite him implying it. I've barely touched his dick more than a dozen times in the last year before he moved, all under reasonable bro code circumstances. That's why what he's saying is funny.

"You could move here you know. Probably. I mean Dad doesn't like you but he wouldn't, like, make a big deal out of it."

"No thanks."

"Fine fine. So which one of our friends did you screw? Was it Dewey? I always tell him it's weird to flirt with middle schoolers..."

"No-"

"A.W.?! I never thought he was the type. Always has to hide under the sheets when jerking."

"No! Johnny!"

"Chris?! Now you're fucking with me. Guy is straight as hell, even with Jazz Band freaks considered. Only reason he ever did anything with me..."

"I met a guy. A new friend."

"Oooooooh."

"I should have known. I still should probably threaten Dewey. Just in case."

"We did a bunch of gay stuff..."

"Did you have fun?"

"Yeah."

"Did he?"

"Yeah, but-"

"That's what matters. If he's gay, you're worried you might be gay even-though-you-totally-aren't. You just keep each other's secrets. Mistakes happen. Sometimes you steal a little bite of all the girl's birthday cake. But if nobody knows, nobody knows."

"Johnny...!"

"I keep telling you not to stress. Honestly, girls love a guy with experience. All them straight-laced idiots who hate fun, get left in the dust by the time girls feel like dating. They want fun guys. So really it's straight-"

"He's going to tell his dad!"

"Oh shit! Why didn't you say something?!"

He's always like this... Actually he's worse now that he's not close enough to punch. At least now that he knows how bad it is, he'll let me talk.

It takes forever. But at least Johnny is nice about it. He doesn't even make me hurry up with the small details. I tell him about the heist, the switch-up, sneaking in, the whole sex ed deal, the sticky fight-

"Oh wow that's hot."

Ok so he does interrupt.

"You gotta stop saying you're straight."

"I'm both. Straight enough anyway."

I continue. There's the kissing and the video games.

"So Mom AND you managed to replace me. Upgrade even!"

"Shut up!"

This is a highly punchable moment. But it does make me feel better about him and Rosie weirdly enough...

I finally finish the story up to the present moment. That was sooo hard.

"Man that's tough. I feel for you bro."

"Thanks..."

"Have you tried telling him about bro code?"

"Of course! I wouldn't have gone dick to dick if he didn't have the basic idea!"

"Right right. Sorry. Rude to ask. What's his Dad like?"

"I uh... I dunno. Does it matter? He's an adult. And he raised a guy that stupid, can't be great."

"Raised a guy that trusting, you mean."

"Seriously?! What about bro code?"

"I'm just saying the buck might stop there. Give him a chance. If I ever had a kid, I hope he'd ask for advice when he broke bro code. Or dad code? No that sounds gross..."

"Don't be stupid."

"Right. Right. Getting ahead of myself." He paused. "What if you did some stuff with a really cool guy? Masculine as hell. Like his physical presence made you straighter, but you were also on a desert island together."

"That's just your jerk off fantasy for Chris. And he's in Jazz Band."

"There are no perfectly masculine guys, they're like unicorns. This hypothetical guy, he's like into astrology or some shit. Follow me?"

"Alright...?"

"We'll call him Tall Chris."

"Jesus Christ Johnny, get over him!"

I might fall off the bed from laughing. How does he keep doing this?!

"So Tall Chris has you in his big muscly arms, there's enough jizz between you make a baby, if you tried some forbidden alchemy..."

"John- HIC! I-!"

Great. Now I'm hiccuping. There's no stopping this guy now.

"You don't have to say it. I know it wouldn't work. You'd just see a door filled with incomprehensible horror and then you'd have to get a metal prosthetic penis..."

I might physically die of suffocation. This guy has to be stopped!

"Anyway! The point is, you barely get done cuddling, when he announces that he has to consult with his even cooler and more masculine brother."

"Chris doesn't have a-! Oh."

"Right. Now you see. So... Tall Chris isn't sure if he broke bro code when he soaked you in Chris juice. The good kind. Or both. I don't judge."

I don't laugh as much at that one. Me doing the opposite of what I want Ryan to do... It's a little harder to laugh now.

"What do you do? Do you ask Tall Chris to keep your secret? Even from his extremely trustworthy and masculine brother? How do you know he wouldn't approve?"

"Because we're on a desert island?"

"Right. Um... Let's say he put a message in a bottle. A big one. Got a lot to say. Just play along."

He takes a deep breath when I don't answer. It's kind of its own answer.

"So when you see the bottle, you make a scene. Nothing to be proud of, but that's what you do. You make a lot of noise, and the lions get annoyed. You try to swim out to sea to intercept it and you kick a few sharks and now they're pissed. And Tall Chris is seriously questioning your masculinity. You said it wasn't a big deal before, just some fun when there's nothing better to do. But if it's not a big deal, then this other cool guy should understand, right?"

"But not everyone is like that. They can't all be super cool. That's the whole point of sneakin' around and keeping it a secret!"

"But HE was cool right? Ryan? Didn't you say that it was the best cum you ever had? That he was really chill? He lied to Mom for you and did it perfectly."

It's like swallowing a rock. I'm a dumbass. I might be tearing up again...

"So how do you fix it?"

"I... don't..."

"You go the bathroom."

"What?"

"You look in the mirror."

"And like... Understand myself?"

This is pretty deep stuff...

"No dumbass. You get the fucker's number off your back and apologize."

Oh right.

"Oh. Right!"

"Good. Then tell me about your makeup sex. Preferably at night."

"Johnny!!"

"I gotta go! Rosie is calling! Bye!"

I peel myself off the top bunk. I was starting to sweat up there... I steel myself for the hard part. I march to the bathroom, determined. I'm going to be so cool and masculine. I'll apologize like the best friend at the climax of an action movie, when all suspicion is cleared and the real villain is revealed!

The second hardest part is reading my back. It's kinda hard to get a clear look at things. It's all blurry in my peripheral vision. After I fix things with Ryan, I'm telling him that back reading is basically impossible.

It occurs to me to take a selfie instead. It's been a long time since I sent naked pics to anyone. Which is illegal. And I totally actually never did that. Nope. I just send cat memes on Snapchat. Swear.

I can barely read the writing, the red blends in more on my skin than it does in the mirror. But at least my neck feels better. I text the number.

*Hi Ryan. Sorry. I was a dick. I trust your dad, if you trust him. Just don't tell anyone else!*

I probably didn't need to say that last bit. He can't be that naive. I already wish I could take it back. It just feels insecure...

My phone starts ringing. Oh God. Why is he calling me?! He's just like those boomers he chats up in the checkout aisle! No one does that anymore!

I reluctantly pick up.

"OH THANK GUH-!" He wheezes.

What the hell happened to him?!

"I WAS SCARED THat..." He trails off, blows his nose. "You wouldn't-!"

"I was obviously going to, like eventually. Even if I was a dick-"

"NO I mean- Yes that. I accept your apology but..."

For being compared to the idealized Tall Chris this guy is kinda fragile. I hear Colette in the background.

"you can do this Ryan!"

What's she doing here?!

"There's something else... I GOT FIRED!"

"Oh that's it?"

Mom has been through, like ten jobs in five years. And those are just the ones I remember. Jobs suck. Everyone knows that. He probably didn't even do anything.

"OF COURSE NOT! ITS THE OLAHONE!"

Oh. I can't even laugh at his butchering of the word. Why didn't I think about that??

"I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT WAS THEN! I THOUGHT IT WAS A COFFEE MUG THINGY!

"Did you tell them that?!"

"YES!! I SAID IT WASN'T EVEN FOR ME! THAT A FRIEND ASKED FOR IT!"

Oh no.

"YOU GOTTA TELL THEM! THEY MIGHT GIVE ME MY JOB BACK... if..."

More nose blowing ensues.

This is the worst possible situation. I have to go talk to a strange adult. In a position of authority. And tell them I did something kinda gay. This won't stay in the bag, like a possible conversation with the most trustworthy Dad and his dumb kid who couldn't figure out masterbation until he was 14. Everyone and their Mom is going to know I tell people to buy onaholes for me.

It wouldn't even be that bad. Like if everyone knew it was me, but I got away with it. Some people can appreciate a prankster. A rogue. Someone who makes a little trouble for someone else because it's funny. But no one likes someone who screws over their friend for a few laughs. WHICH I DIDN'T. But it sure looks that way from the outside. Hell, I'd probably still go to rainbow glitter hell, the lowest possible level among the rooms reserved for me, if I let Ryan down right now.

Maybe the glitter would stay out of my eyes at least... Couldn't be that bad...

NO! I steel myself again! I'm going to be masculine! I'm going to go in there and talk Ryan out of this mess. Even if he never did a single naked thing with me ever, I'd still owe it to him, considering what happened after we snuck in. Hell, I WILL OUT DO HIM.

I gotta psyche myself up!

I start angrily pulling on clothes. SAO tee. Ripped and GRASS STAINED jeans. Black piney hoodie. Lucky diamond (it's just glass) stud in my left ear. Empty stolen vape pen. I don't even vape, it's just there to scare people.

I am going to sneak. And lie. And intimidate harder than I ever have before in my life! FULL. DELINQUENT. MODE. I'm going to make this jerk regret ever distrusting Ryan! If everyone is going to know, then they're going to know I'm a bad guy. THE bad guy.

I barely remember the walk to the store. I stormed out of the house. Front door. Slouching. I think I remembered to lock up? Probably. I pass by the hair salon and see protagonist guy clipping away. He sees me looking bad and nods in respect without missing a beat. He probably does know Johnny.

I saunter into Robertson's. I look around the place. With contempt!

That's another one of my vocab words. Probably can't use this event on the test either...

Some bored looking highschooler in an ugly polo is texting at the self-checkout area. Step one. Find what you are looking for.

"Hey! I gotta complaint."

I don't even bother taking my hands out of my hoodie. People can see my hands... only when they're asking for it.

She looks me up and down. She almost halfway takes me seriously. Success! If I can annoy a highschooler with this act, I can scare an adult.

"Ugh. Ok."

She picks up the old plastic phone. It was probably here when my Mom was born.

"Sunny? We got a code C plus over here..." She paused. "No I don't know what his problem is."

I hear shouting. Big mistake right there.

"No! I didn't! Right... Sorry... Yeah..."

She starts texting again.

"I should quit this stupid job."

"Yeah you should."

"Thanks." She wheels on me slowly. "Er... No actually. No thanks."

She is pointedly ignoring me. I see the woman from yesterday approach, Sunny. Doc is dragging his feet behind her. Sticky shoes. Realization dawns on her face.

"I remember you Banana Boy."

"That's right. I got a complaint."

"Let's hear it."

"It's about a certain employee. Last night-"

"LET'S talk in my office."

She side eyes the customers checking out. My mere presence is making a scene. That's just how cool I am.

In her office, the first thing I do is raise my feet on the desk. Let's see how she handles someone her own size. And by that I mean, someone with completely functional legs!

"Don't do that."

I stop before actually touching the desk. And then lower them to the floor. That's actually a bit of a strain on my abs.

Also don't look at me like that! This isn't a movie! A real guy can only have so much rizz at 13.

I begin telling my story. It's a little different from this one.

"So this guy... He owes me money. Or my merchandise. Whichever."

It's a really good one. It's perfect. The naive young boy (who is technically 14 but who's counting) does a little favor for me. He's an ignorant gofer. No one is nice to him at school. Eager to please. And basically, he's doing his job. Isn't he supposed to bring sales to the company? Nothing wrong with that.

But there's a problem.

He gets home. A little trouble with big daddy. Can't be bringing home trash like that. As far as I'm concerned, it's basically gone. Thing is- I paid real money for this thing. And I want-

"You did that thing with the bananas as a distraction."

Her acrylic nails bounce on her tablet, like the launch codes are already there and she just needs to hit the button. She is not an easy adversary. Doc on the other hand... Doesn't inspire much faith or fear. He's picking a starburst out of his sneaker with a house key.

"Maybe I did. Maybe I just needed some potassium. That's not a crime. Neither is-"

"Minors buying sex toys is a violation of company policy."

She's really not letting me finish my story...

"Fine. I want a refu-"

"You didn't buy anything. This kid you're bullying did. And he hasn't exactly returned it."

"He was working-"

"Which is why we fired him."

"Good now tell-"

"You can leave."

"Sorry?"

"Leave or I call the cops. This tyke POS act is cute but I got a store to run."

"Told you he didn't know-"

"I didn't ask you Doc!" She gestures to me. "Escort this BOY off the property." Now she looks at me. "YOU won't be coming back."

"Fine fine. I was on my way out anyway. Gotta get some spray paint-"

"I really will call the cops. In fact, I already did. Hurry it up."

On my way out, I look at the big guy. He's kinda cute too, in like a older guy sort of way. Not that I would... But... I do have a question.

"Are you really a doctor?"

He grunts.

~~~

PHASE TWO COMPLETE.

I wait just outside the plaza, loitering at the bus stop. It takes the cops 15 minutes to show up in front of the store, lights flashing but no siren. They don't stay long. They leave with donuts and cider. They don't even come to bother me.

My fingers are getting cold. There's only so many memes I can look at, only so many people I can annoy. I'm anxious. Did Ryan get his job back? I texted him thirty minutes ago.

LB: *Hey Chris, have you ever heard of Tall Chris?*

BB: *BRO YOU WILL NOT*

CR: *Johnny if you called me short again I will fucking [redact] you.*

BB: *Chris! Haha it's fine. Don't listen to my brother. You know he's a serial liar*

CR: *Tell me what he said.*

LB: *Sorry bro code*

Crap. I quickly text before the little dots stop moving

LB: *NOT LIKE THAT. Just normal bro secrets*

CR: *Johnny you're the worst. Did you know Samantha Peligrino made YAOI about us?! It's all your fault.*

BB: *Dude you WANTED her to stop flirting with you.*

CR: *BECAUSE I WANTED LESS WEEB ENERGY NOT MORE OF IT*

Fingers tap me on the back. I jump! Even though they weren't acrylic.

"Dude! OMG you were hilarious!"

"You knew? Why didn't you text me?"

"Phone died. Colette let me in the security office."

"Oh that makes sense. She doesn't-"

"She's not in trouble. Doc lets her in all the time so he can go smoke."

That's not what I meant... But I don't pursue it. Dumbass question.

"Good. So you got your job back?"

"No... Sunny apologized though. She said I can apply again in six months. Just policy says I gotta go."

"Ah that sucks."

"But I'm still really happy! She won't call the school or my Dad now!"

"Oh that's a relief."

We start walking home. He's skipping, as much as a guy can, considering. He looks pretty ridiculous.

"I think I will still talk to my Dad, about all this."

"I understand."

The anxiety isn't completely over.

"But not yet."

"What?"

"I said not yet. I can tell him in a while. When I know a little more. It's fun, figuring stuff out on my own. I think that's what a man would do, you know?"

"Totally!"

Wow. All my problems are solved just like that! I give him a hug. I don't care who sees. He's kinda cold even with his jacket. When we get to his house, I'm a bit reluctant to see him go. He pulls out his key, it's shiny with a green leaf decal.

"I'll text you when I-"

"Get in! You're coming over!"

"Really? But-"

"Dad can find out later. In a few months. It's my turn to be sneaky!"

I laugh as he pulls me in.

If you're thinking this is where all the gay shit happens you're wrong by the way. It's still awesome. He shows me around. His plants under the grow lights, his beat-up switch with a missing joycon, the fridge regrettably full of his Dad's salad mixes. All the books lining a whole wall of the living room, stacked on crappy plywood and cinder blocks.

Last is the secret, not-so-secret office full of law stuff that Ryan is not supposed to enter or mess with. A safe, walls of extra boring books. Tiny desktop computer on a comically huge desk. There's a cheap touristy painting of a sandy white beach by the ocean behind the swivel chair. Ryan kicks me off said chair before I notice it. Real sand is painted onto the canvas, bits of sea shell broken up and stuck in miniature. A thick layered glaze makes the ocean seem to have layers. Little poorly shaped fish hide here and there in the details. Just the kind of place to be stuck at with your best friend.

"When does your Dad get home?"

"Who knows? He gets off at 7 at the earliest. Depends on his cases."

"Do you-?"

He starts peeling off his shirt, with an eager smile, beelining for his bedroom. I actually beat Ryan to getting naked. Taking off his pants is difficult, even with me helping. He's kinda stiff in the leg sometimes.

"My sisters are at the boys and girls club, Dad picks them up. So we have until 8ish at the least."

"Oh man! This is gonna be great!"

Ryan's dick springs up, as I pull his pants down, like a palm tree in suddenly untied in a cartoon. I don't bother bringing up the bet, our penises can negotiate all that. Our hips meet, and the feeling is incredible, warm, soft, solid.

Then our lips! Good thing I brushed my teeth. I don't think Ryan did, but I don't care. I barely notice the garlicky hot bar flavor on his tongue. It's awkward, but we start to get the hang of it. Laughing as we go. His tongue pokes and prods. The sharpness of my braces surprise him. I explore more slowly, but deeper. He's like a cave... That funny line under the tongue, the missing chip off his molar from a cherry pit. It's wet in there. No wonder he's always swallowing...

It's all like evidence of the cave boy who lived here... before he knew how to make fire.

I can't believe I spent so long not doing this... I'm sure the feeling is even more extreme for Ryan.

He runs his fingers through my close cropped hair, fast and slow, a tingly feeling guiding his fingers. Ryan's hair traps my hands, curls around fingers, I run them through, massaging his scalp. That's Johnny's move I'm stealing. He won't mind. The pace picks up. The boy beneath me is breathing through the mouth, pushing away just enough, long enough that he can come back for a full minute.

Our hips rock... His leg spasms... Followed by his dick. It's hot! Like a splash from a hot spring! Or a spilled drink in the pavement in summer!

"Stop!! Hahaha! It's sensitive!"

I roll off the sticky guy... My turn! Is this Phase three? I got what I want. I'm shaking it's so good... Up and down... Around... Under the perineum. All the Ryan all over my crotch makes everything feel that much better, my fingers glide! And pull! They can go everywhere! They'll never leave this spot!

New hands join mine! One rolls a finger around my butthole. I never even thought to check there, to see if it feels good. I was naive, if anyone was... And it's great! Still bro code! We're basically on a desert island here. Hiding in the secret base from our enemies. If we want to have sex (are we having sex?) we can! There's no one else. No one else we would want! For now anyway.

And the pressure... It's building. Deep inside me. Like a volcano. I'm shaking so hard! BOOM!

Ribbons of cum coat the boy standing over me. He's surprised, excited!! I drip down his face, his belly, his crotch and bed. Have I ever cum so much before? I think Johnny made less every time I ever saw him. It's good to outdo him at something. He'll never believe it.

Back to kissing. I take my own juice back. Why not? I've done it before. It tastes very different than how I remember. Ryan laughs and pushes back.

"You're licking your own wet dreams!"

"Why not!?"

"Oh man! You're crazy!"

"Crazy awesome!"

I jump back into the dark! Ryan is more adventurous now, going where he wouldn't before. Maybe he's confident with a bit more of me in there with him. Over my teeth and behind... The texture on top is tacky. Dehydrated. Our substances mix at the source. Hips shifting again. The second wave...

He's so strong! Hands gripping my butt! My back! A bandaid scritches at the edge. It's already wet inside. I am his mouth. I might be in his blood... Shaking... Shaking... Closer... I feel his heartbeat in my chest. I'm moving through his heart. I belong in this place... A dark, secret place, sneaking fast and faster. Slippery! Untouchable! I'll never leave!

"AhahaAhAhAHaAHAHA...!"

AGAIN! I am endless! There's enough of me to be everywhere! I'm in his hair. Around his back. Legs like a vice pinch my thigh!

Sensitive...! My balls swing back and forth! Up and down! Incredible! My vision is going white, like I'm seeing what he's seeing, the tv static before the av plug goes in all the way... I might cum a third time just from this! A couple more precious spurts! I'll go where I need to! His sheets! Down his legs! We slide!

Face to belly. Our selves in my face... Hot...! Gushing from balls I'll never let go! Again! Again! Ryan is everywhere. A bit gets up my nose! Snorting! Hahaha! This is crazy! The craziest I've been! A little more... A little lower. I'm leaning back. The boy sprawled on the bed. The last drop like toothpaste from a nearly empty tube. It deposits at my neck.

We fall asleep, holding each other on the big bed.

~~~

When I wake up, a banana-like penis fills my vision. It's a dark silhouette resting on my nose. Who knows what time it is. That's not quite right though. It's a little soft. The orientation... Hot breath... Sperms... Or maybe drool... Going down my balls. 69 is well... Just fine on a desert island. If he minds, he'll know not to leave his own dick by my mouth next time.

I give him, me, both of us really, a lick.

"Oawah... Huh..?"

A little faster, shifting, get it in there. From the cave I leave for the forest. New growth tickles my face. It's wet here. Sticky hot. Humid. Big things grow here... The penis arches up, slowing my expedition... I gag a bit and get a hold of myself.

"Don't stop man! That was too good!"

Right back at it! Another tongue enters another forest. A little more arid... Hilly. Ryan would never back down from a challenge. Not after feeling like this. I Iet myself get competitive. This is the game where everyone wins but I'll win a little extra.

"Bet I can make you cum first!"

"Bet you can too!"

Aha. Clever. But I still am going to win! I'm a pro!

Sticky fingers slip under his balls. They really are smooth. No bumps. You should always be checking just in case. At any age really. That's what Johnny says. Loose. Floppy. Occasionally pulled back from the inside, like they are doing a dance. Ryan's perineum, I know he's never felt this one before! Not from me!

Don't cum don't cum don't

I let his penis go, a strategic retreat
... One ball goes in my mouth, tossed around on my tongue. Get just a bit under there... Salty

"OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN!"

Damn right I'm the man! I even tug, really gentle, just using my diafram. (You can't seriously expect a 13 year old to spell that.) Back to the penis! Four inches trapped in paradise! Can't stop won't stop can't stop won't stop

Bang! It's not loud. You can't even hear it. Only feel it. Victory drips down my throat. Bittersweet. And also salty. I stop resisting. Lips slower, satisfied, let the cool air over my dick. Hands taking over, just the head really on the mouth. That's a good technique. He stole it from me. A couple more little bursts. Ooozing really. Down the older boy's chin.

He pulls himself around, face to face. Grinning like we ran the whole period at gym class. Finally made it. I do what I would have done had I lost. I can share. Ryan in me won too. We kiss slow. Coming down from the craziness of it. I wouldn't mind another nap, just holding a warm naked boy, with more of me on him than himself alone. Laying there, exposed to the plushies lining the shelf. Hugging so strong and gentle.

I never will leave these arms. I'm not sure I'll ever get dressed again. It's too perfect. Everything is perfect.

"What time is it." The boy says it like a statement.

"Dunno. Think we can try sneakin' another in?"