Deer in Headlights - 2. Two

I met Dave on a hiking trip. We had a number of common interests including the fondness for just being out of doors. Taking long walks in a national park, hiking through a forest or up a mountain. Stuff like that.

There was no sexual tension whatsoever between Dave and I, yet there certainly was a sort of chemistry. Dave was easy to talk to, a good listener and as we got to know each other better I no longer regarded him as a hiking buddy, but a friend and confidant.

Like myself, Dave had a partner and we spent a lot of time talking about our respective relationships. We discussed our hopes and dreams as well as fears and sorrows.

I am a bit of a loner. Always have been. Or, as I usually phrase it, I am very choosy when it comes to friends. I have a very small circle of close friends who are like family to me. Having gone separate ways after college, none of them live close by, however, and I do not get to see them often due to the distance.

Opening up to someone new like Dave - and in a relatively short time, too - was a really big deal for me. And I was glad I had met him. Finally, a close friend who lived in my area!

I am still standing at the baggage claim, reminiscing, when I come out of my reverie and notice that no one else is around anymore and my luggage is nowhere to be seen, either.

Sighing, I make my way to the baggage desk. As I approach, the airline representative behind the counter does not even look up as she says in rather a bored tone:

„Let me guess. You lost a black trolley. Nondescript, average-sized and without a name-tag?“

Rolling my eyes, I ignore the snarky attitude and deal with the situation at hand. If and when they locate my sage green Monos Check-In, they will have it forwarded to me. It will be interesting to see whether they will actually manage that, given how remote a place I selected when I booked the cabin, but everything really important is in my carry-on bag, anyway.

Finally out of the airport, I pick up my rental car, enter my middle-of-nowhere destination into the satnav and begin the last part of this trip. Another two hours or so, god and traffic willing, of course. Given my current mental state, could the rental car be accurately described as being on autopilot, too?

About half a year after I first met him, I invited Dave to join us for a barbecue. For me, that really meant inviting him to be part of my family. Dave and my ex got along well, and no wonder: Apparently, Dave and my ex knew each other from their college days. It turned out to be a very nice evening.

That last sentence, must be the understatement of the century, I guess. Not that I knew at the time, of course. Hindsight being 20/20 and all that.

Almost ran a red light. Have to be more careful. Perhaps I better find a place to park and rest? Clear my head a bit. Then again, no. The sooner I get to the cabin, the better.

Little did I know, but, way back in college, Dave and my ex - it is weird how I can think about Dave, but am unwilling to even think my ex’s name - had had the hots for each other. But, as neither was out at the time, nothing ever came of it.

The flames were re-kindled immediately, as it seems. But neither of them had the decency to tell me. Oh no! I had to find out the hard way.

Very soon after that barbecue, my ex’s attitude towards me changed markedly. Sharing a home was no longer a nice experience. What was that quote from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof? ‚I’m not living with you. We occupy the same cage.’ That sums it up nicely.

I was unable to grasp what was happening. I wracked my brains trying to understand where I might have offended him. But the more I tried to find and reclaim common ground, the more he seemed to resent me:

The only answers I ever got when trying to talk about our situation were that I was imagining things. It was all in my head. Nothing had changed. Why would we want anything to change, anyway. We had a good life together. Why could I not be content with that? Why did I have to be a nag?

Dave’s hiking trips with me continued as before, though. I never had the slightest inkling that anything might be off on that front.

Finally, yesterday, I had planned to go hiking. Alone, this time, as Dave had some sort of „prior engagement“.

Somehow, the weather defied the forecasts and deteriorated while I was still driving towards the state park. So, I drove back and came home about an hour after I left, only to find my ex and Dave fucking each other's brains out. Or rather, making love to each other most passionately while declaring their undying affection for each other over and over again.

I went to the living room and sat down in shock.

My husband having an affair was not the problem. Open relationship and all that, right? Gaslighting, being lied to and patronized, however. Those were big problems.

As for Dave, well: Ever since they started their affair and I started feeling like living inside a Tennessee Williams play, Dave had been the person I confided in. He had provided a shoulder to cry on, listened to my angst and dared - yes, he even fucking dared! - give me advice on how to save my relationship.

Driving along a road in, and to, the middle of nowhere, I begin to cry. No, to wail for the first time since I walked in on them. I lost two members of my inner circle, of my family, that day. How do you heal from wounds such as these?