Life in Suspension - 9. Chapter 9 - Sacrifice of Angels

I was miserable.

The anger I felt that day in the cafeteria had left me the moment Jessica had hit me with what I had done. In the days that followed, that anger was replaced by a new sadness I didn't know I had in me to feel. I thought what I had felt when my mom died was bad, but I found out quickly this new feeling was just so much worse.

It felt so easy to just let it eat me alive. I did deserve it after all, didn't I? Shouldn't one be judged and punished for their sins? What about atonement for those sins? What could I possibly do to properly pay for what I've done? Those were the thoughts that kept me awake at night, along with the sadness and the pain it brought with me.

Corey still went to school just like I did, but he was like a ghost now. Sometimes you'd catch a rare sitting at lunch, but I never saw him in the halls. Every time I did see him, that pang in my chest quivered to remind me that my actions had consequences.

The only class we had was PE. Coach Yates was aware of our situation, if only by guessing, and didn't force us to participate with each other. We both made the basketball team, along with Max and my brother. Our interactions there were also painfully short, as again Coach Yates, in his rightful wisdom, kept how we interacted to a minimum. It worked because we played as a team and kept that mantra and didn't let our personal problems affect what we did on the court.

After what happened that day, and the admissions I had made that everyone heard, again changed how people thought of me, I felt like I was an unstable element that wasn't predictable when provoked so all the small petty general harassment or grief people gave me through the last couple of years stopped. I didn't go out of my way to cause problems, and people were happy to just leave me alone.

Well, almost, James and Garrett had their moments but after the revelation I bestowed on them, plus what I'm sure was silent strong-arming from my brother and his friends they left me alone. Sure there was some shoving, or a comment in the halls but I knew that was just to get a rise out of me, which they never got.

I pretty much ignored the noise. I ignored it so much that I cleared my phone of almost all the social media apps and kept it on 'Do not Disturb' almost all the time just so it wouldn't make noise either. I had to add people to my favorites so they could reach me, I learned that lesson the first time my Dad called and I didn't answer.

Corey once told me that I calmed the noise around him, just like he calmed the anger that was inside of me. I didn't understand what that truly meant until I took a step back and actually looked while going through all of this. I found the school environment itself to be simply that. Noise, so I stopped paying attention to it. That opened up a couple of new problems because without the noise my existence in school was nothing more than a repetitive schedule I repeated five days a week without any real joy.

In the end, I used that misery I felt as the atonement I sought, and let it be the silent companion that followed me always. I didn't complain, and I didn't cry except for that occasional time when tears robbed me in my sleep, I felt no self-pity.

Just acceptance.

Three weeks after the event I found myself in my third session with Gavin. After the disaster, I had caused and the severe reaction I had to it during the week after, my Dad and my brother weren't content to let me self-destruct again.

It's funny really, everything that had happened occurred so fast after my first session. I think Gavin was amazed at how quickly everything fell apart, and I got the sense that he may have felt a little guilty about it because he had missed something. We had spent that morning describing in detail my chaotic fall from grace.

It wasn't his fault though, at that time of the first meeting I was solid, and I was put together.

I was happy.

A sound interrupted that thought.

"Sorry about that," Gavin said as he re-entered the room. We had been in the middle of our session when his assistant Kelly had to interrupt an important phone call.

I gave him a small wan smile.

"So where were we?" He asked as he sat back in his chair and picked up the notepad with his notes.

"Honestly, I don't remember. I got lost in thought for a minute while you were gone."

"What were you thinking about?"

"Atonement."

"Why is that?"

"For what I did I guess," I admitted, sulking back into my chair.

"I always tell people with crippling guilt that the price you pay for that guilt is more than the guilt is actually worth."

I huffed into a crooked grin, "What if the guilt is pretty measurable?"

"The same applies. We always punish ourselves way harder for the actions that we are remorseful for."

"I'm feeling pretty damn remorseful."

"What about the anger?"

I shook my head in response, "Not since that day, and not unless provoked."

"What replaced the anger?"

"Misery. Pure unfiltered misery." I told him about how I felt about my repetitive schedule, about how I just wet with the flow letting the dictates of normal school activity guide me through the day.

"Do you see Corey much at school?" Gavin asked gently probing for more.

"Only during PE and Basketball Practice. The closest he'll get to me is the distance from my locker to his when we change out. Otherwise, I don't see him at all except maybe a glimpse at lunch."

"How does that make you feel?"

"It hurts. It really does hurt. When this whole thing started I wanted nothing to do with him and I got my wish." I felt a tear betray me as it escaped down my cheek. I quickly brushed it away.

"It sounds like you experienced the whole 'don't take stuff for granted' spiel quite personally."

I nodded and laughed a little through the tears I held at bay, "Yeah boy did I. I don't do stuff half-assed."

Gavin shared in that laughter and handed me a box of tissues which I quickly used.

"I'm worried you're falling into depression Nathan," Gavin said after a few moments.

"Fell." I corrected, then clarified when he gave me a questioning look. "I fell into it the week after it happened. That's why I'm here."

Gavin raised an eyebrow, "I stand corrected. Have you attempted to reach out to Corey at all?"

"Many times. He hasn't blocked or unfollowed me on social media. He just doesn't respond. I know he reads them because it tells me."

"Any thoughts on why that may be?"

"I thought it was obvious. I mean, look at what I did."

"Yes, you are correct, but I think we are missing something. I remember what you told me last time about his condition. Before all of this began, were there any other times when he didn't respond when you tried to message him?"

I thought about it for a moment, and even pulled out my phone to look at the messages myself, and something stood out. "He came over once unannounced. I asked him why he didn't text me, and he said it was because I hadn't responded to the last one he sent. He made it sound like he didn't intend to send anything until I sent something. Anything."

"Something I think you need to take into account when it comes to Corey is he is very literal in his interpretation. There is not much room for abstract. Go back to the day you last saw him and you talked." Gavin started as he flipped through his notes. "What did you two say right before you left?"

"Uhm… He asked if something was wrong, and if he did something wrong, I told him it was me. And he asked if… Oh my God." I stopped talking as it hit me like a ton of bricks.

"What?"

"He asked if he could see me later. I told him I would text him."

"Did you?"

"No."

"Why?" Gavin asked gently.

"Because I was so wrapped up in my mood I couldn't bring myself to just do it."

"Well, I think we have the real reason why he doesn't want to be near you," Gavin said with a sigh as he started making notes.

"It can't be that easy can it?"

Gavin thought about it for a moment, "maybe if you had sent the text the day of the incident it would have but some things have happened since then that's going to make it more difficult. The kiss he witnessed, what happened in the cafeteria. If you send that message, don't expect it to fix anything."

I sniffed as Gavin laid out my sins against me, as well as this new one that could have stopped all of it.

"I know. You say the price of guilt is more than what it's worth, either way, I'm going to pay for it." I admitted.

"And together we will work through it."

I went through the motions of the next couple of days, following the same routine until the weekend arrived. Chris had invited me to hang out with his friends, but I declined, explaining that I had some important things to take care of. My dad was going to spend the afternoon with my uncle, so I would be alone to attempt this.

After they left, I took out my phone, opened the message in question, and tried to compose a response. My hands started shaking as I typed out the short message and hit send.

natesfate_1022: you can see me now.

My body shook as the phone vibrated instantly.

TherealCIA93_: where?

It had to be somewhere neutral, which ruled out my house or his. An idea came to me and I quickly typed the reply.

natesfate_1022: at the park we went to.

TherealCIA93_: k. in 2 hrs

natesfate_1022: ok

And that was it.

I was frustrated. Three weeks of misery had led to this moment, and I couldn't believe it. I needed to get to the park, but it was separated from where I lived by a couple of hills and a busy state route. Walking wasn't an option, and calling Chris back seemed like a hassle. I gathered what I needed and went to the garage. As the door creaked open, I uncovered my dirt bike and pulled it into the driveway. After grabbing my helmet, I used the keypad outside the garage to shut the door.

I put on the helmet, and the bike fired up on the first push. Following Chris's mantra, I kept the revs low as I ambled through the subdivision, then kicked up the speed as the tires hit the trails. As long as I was back before sunset, I wouldn't have any issues because the bike didn't have headlights or any lights for that matter.

As the bike powered along, I took in the sights, trying to anticipate obstacles like my brother would. He was better at this activity, like everything else we shared, but he had taught me how to stay safe. I cleared over the hills in no time and headed in the general direction of the park that abutted against a small wilderness area that thus far had escaped development. If it had been any other way, I wouldn't have been able to do this.

I crossed the small creek with a slight jump, feeling the adrenaline rush, and reached the back side of the park. I carefully walked my bike among the trees to avoid drawing attention. Once I found a suitable spot, I parked the bike against a tree with its kickstand and took off my helmet, leaving it on the handlebars.

All that was left to do was wait.

An hour passed, then two, then three, and I was about to give up as the fourth hour approached. I had lost count of the laps I made around the jogging path encircling the large green space. I had been alternating between running and walking just to distract myself, but now it was late afternoon and I couldn't wait any longer.

I was heading back towards the edge of the trees where the bike was hidden when I heard his voice.

"Hey."

That one word with that one voice stopped me dead in my tracks and I cautiously turned around.

"Hey." I managed to reply. This is the closest I had been to Corey since I left his room over three weeks ago, aside from the incident in the gym, and the cafeteria. My brain froze up at that moment and I tried to clear it. I didn't know what to say! "I'm sorry." I decided, to just get into it.

Corey gave me a long penetrating and expressionless look. "You hurt me," He started. "You hurt me badly."

"I know."

"Why? What did I do to you to hurt me?" He asked as his voice croaked sending a tear down my cheek.

"You didn't do anything, Corey, it was never you. I told you that. Something in my head got fucked up dude, call it doubt, call it fear, anxiety, hell call it me being stupid. So much changed so fast that I couldn't keep up. I'm fucked up in the head dude. Damaged goods may be beyond salvaging it."

He didn't say anything but didn't relinquish his stare.

"I was going to tell you that day Corey, but I didn't see you at all. And when I did see you it was when Max…"

I didn't see the punch coming. It struck me in the cheek causing me to spin around and fall to my hands and knees. I waited for the next strike to come, I was prepared for it. I would take it as more of the atonement I sought if I had to.

But the second hit never came. It took a few silent moments for my head to clear and to spit out the little bit of blood that was there.

"Do you like him?" Corey repeated in that same tone he had at the gym and I just couldn't bring myself to look him in the eyes.

"No," I said forcing myself to look into the fury his brown-eyed gaze shot back at me. "I never did Corey, not like that. He did it because he didn't know. He didn't know about us."

"Do you like me?"

"Answer me this first then I'll answer that, why were you at that table with James and Garrett," I asked instead.

"Because of you," Corey replied as some of the darkness left his eyes.

"Me?"

"Yes, you. I saw what they tried to do that day. At your locker. I was mad at you. I still am mad at you. I went over there to politely ask them to leave you alone. If that failed then I was going to threaten them."

My hand clapped to my mouth as I closed my eyes.

"But then, there you were yelling at me. Almost screaming at me telling them everything. It was intimate Nathan. It wasn't to be shared, not to them." Corey spat sounding a little disgusted. "That didn't even bother me, you know what did?"

I shook my head still keeping my eyes closed.

"Look at me, Nathan!" The sharpness of his tone bolted my eyes open and I looked back at him. I could see the sadness and the hurt now, it was almost overwhelming.

"You called me lug-head when you were yelling at me. You hurled it at me like an insult. Like what we had didn't matter. You made fun of everything I am with that, it hurt me, Nathan."

"I know! I'm sorry!" I choked out the tears welling up, the breeze kicked up at that moment and I faintly inhaled that sweet musk coming from him almost as a reminder of what I had lost and probably wouldn't get back.

"Do you like me?" Corey repeated the earlier question.

I nodded my head, "I never stopped liking you." I sniffed again, "I told your mom the morning I left that I thought I…" I paused for a moment and closed my eyes, "That I thought I loved you." I kept my eyes closed and continued, "The thing is, I don't think I do anymore. I know I do. But I'm just so fucked up right now." I admitted.

Corey remained silent as I opened my eyes and just breathed, wiping the tears away with my hands.

"So many fucking mistakes," I muttered to myself. "I don't expect you to like me, Corey. I barely like myself. I fucked this up, it's all on me."

Corey frowned as his expression changed to question my words.

"It's about atonement Corey. I fucked up, and this is the price I have to pay for it. Maybe I'll learn something from it." I signed as I wiped the last of my tears away."

"I don't know what to do. About us." Corey said as he looked at me longingly

"I don't either. But for now, you can go. I'll be fine. And Corey?"

"Yes?"

"I am really sorry."

"I am too."

I watched him leave me. Possibly for the last time. The sun was dangerously low and I still had to get home but I just couldn't. I felt so deflated. I don't know how long I was sitting on that park bench but it was my phone ringing that got my attention.

"Hey, Chris," I said as I answered it.

"Yo bro where are you at. Because I know it ain't at home." He replied with a light chuckle in his voice.

"Uh Chris, I'm at the big park at the edge of town but I have a huge problem."

"What?"

"I took my bike to get here."

"Nathan! You know you aren't supposed to take it out unless you tell somebody! What the hell dude you could have hurt yourself and no one would have known where you were! What were you thinking?!" I winced as his voice escalated in volume and octave as he read me the riot act.

"I know and I'm sorry, but I'm young and I do a lot of stupid things. Seemingly all the time." I countered.

"No excuse, you were raised better. Let me make a call, don't fucking move."

The call quickly disconnected. I had pushed my limits with my brother, with our history and most recent history I knew I was going to get it tonight, and he was probably going to tell Dad.

I didn't have to wait long, Dylan's car pulled up with Dylan's older brother Anthony Dugan and Chris in the back seat.

I shrank into myself as the three approached.

"Where's the bike?" Chris asked as I pointed toward the growing darkness. Alright, be right back."

I watched as he disappeared into the trees.

"Dude you are in so much trouble." Dylan chuckled with a gleam in his eye.

"You don't know the half of it," I replied hoping my tone would match his playful manner.

"It'll be alright Nathan," Dylan said as he slapped an arm around me. "Everything works out in the end."

"And if it doesn't?"

"Then you cry a whole bunch, come over to our place, and eat chocolate ice cream until you puke." Anthony chimed in.

Somehow in that moment, I managed a smile as Chris reappeared with the bike.

"Alright, this is what we're going to do. I'm going to ride the bike back, Nathan you ride with Anthony and Dylan. I'm going to follow close behind. I swear if there's cops I'm going to need you to do your thing, Anthony."

"Yeah I better drive then, I can take their attention for a minute."

"Chris I'm not comfortable with you by yourself. Besides my helmet won't fit your giant freaking head." I protested.

"I've got a spare in the trunk of the car I think. But it's not as good as yours Chris." Dylan offered.

"Fine Nathan you're riding bitch with me then with your helmet. Let's get going before Dad gets home from hanging out with Uncle Gus."

The bike was quickly rolled onto the pavement next to Dylan's car. Chris got the helmet and strapped it on before starting the bike. I strapped mine on and got on behind Chris as we started our most illegal adventure yet. The streets were quiet; it was totally dark now. Chris was navigating by street lights only, as well as the lights from Dylan's car. As long as no one did anything stupid, we'd be fine.

I held on to Chris as the street lights disappeared. All I could see ahead was the glow of the headlights in front of us. The car's bright lights clicked on, and now we could see everything. We made our way up the first hill and around the first set of curves. Everything was going well.

Anthony was staying slightly under the 55 mph speed limit, which the bike was able to match. I knew I was going to get an earful for this when we got home, but part of me was glad Chris was doing this. I never would have had the guts to do this myself, and Chris had the confidence with bikes that I lacked.

As we reached the straightaway before the next series of turns, the brake lights tapped, and we saw what Anthony was trying to warn us about. Ahead, in the middle of the straightaway, was a police unit sitting in the bushes running radar. Chris slowed the bike down as Anthony and Dylan accelerated quicky, pushing past the bushes, and sure enough, red, amber, and blue lights erupted from the spot as the unit sped out of its hiding place and went after the
car.

I started feeling a bit worried as the darkness around us became as intense as the artificial lights we had left behind. Chris must have sensed my fear because he squeezed my wrist and then pointed up at the moon, giving me the okay signal with his left hand.

I was relieved to see that he could still see clearly.

We picked up speed on the bike, heading towards our subdivision. I could see the lights down the hill, and as we approached the curves, I noticed a car pulled over with the police unit turned off on the road leading to the top. We quickly passed by the access road at a low RPM, and the police cruiser stayed where it was. I estimated that we would be home in about five minutes at this rate.

My stomach growled in anticipation, and Chris felt it, shaking his head.

Just as we entered the last blind curve that would lead us to the straightaway, our luck ran out.

Chris's reflexes were lightning-fast. He downshifted and the engine screamed in protest as the bike swerved to avoid a car that came around the curve too fast and in the wrong lane. However, the driver of the car panicked and swerved in the wrong direction, causing the front of the car to smash into the bike's back tire.

Both of us were thrown clear of the bike, which was then run over as the driver sped away. The bike slammed into the guardrail as we fell down the incline into a thicket of trees. I felt Chris wrap his body around mine as we hit the ground and rolled right into a tree.

I struggled to hold onto consciousness as I felt my phone vibrate and make a noise I'd never heard before. I was dazed and in pain, unable to tell what hurt. I struggled against my brother's grip that wouldn't let me go.

"Chris," I coughed as I freed an arm and tried to unstrap my helmet. I saw a flash of orange above us at the guardrail as the bike caught fire. It took a moment, but the straps finally came loose, and I yanked the helmet off my head. I turned in Chris's arms; he still had me in a death grip. His back was to the tree, and I clawed in the dark at the straps on his helmet to get it free.

"Chris wake up" I coughed as I tapped his cheek. My heart started to race when he didn't respond.

"WAKE UP!"

I heard a groan as I felt the shift behind me.

"Nathan?" He whispered. "Are you… Okay?" He finally rasped out.

"I'm hurt Chris, I can't move, everything hurts."

"I'm hurt too," Chris replied his voice growing more raspy.

"Chris?" I asked as my worry sparked.

His arm gripped me. "I'm sorry Nathan…"

"No Chris I'm sorry this is all my fault."

"No… Not that." He coughed and struggled for words. "I'm sorry… Your world is about to burn and I won't be there."

"Chris! Nonononono." I said as my head started to fog up. I couldn't see anything and I could barely think. His arms went limp as I tried to pull my phone out of my back pocket.

I tried to use it but my fingers wouldn't work. The screen caught my eye as my eyes traced the notification. 'It looks like you've been in a crash. This device will trigger Emergency SOS if you don't respond.'

My phone slipped out of my hand as I tried to shake Chris again, and I started to cry as the blackness fogged my brain.

All my fault. All of it.

[BEGIN TRANSCRIPT]

'County 911 operator 317 what is the address of your emergency.'

'Hello? This is County 911 is anybody there?'

'Hello. This is an automated call from a smart device that has been involved in a crash. The owner has failed to respond. The coordinates of the incident are latitude….'

'Any unit any unit in the vicinity of Camden Hill Road possible mva at Camden Hill and Seaborn. Unit responding identify.

'Control 46 Charles.'

'46 Charles go ahead.'

'46 Charles I'm at Camden Hill on Seaborn, cancel my traffic stop and show me handling and on scene at the mva.'

'46 Charles Roger. Showing you on scene incident 1173 at 19:55.'

'46 Charles Control. I need fire, rescue and medic at my location. I have one motorcycle on fire I can't see the rider, give me two additional units for traffic control we need to shut the road down.'

'46 Charles Roger.'

'35 Adam Control.'

'35 Adam go ahead.'

'35 Adam show me and 37 Adam en-route to 46 Charles code 3 from Camden Hill and Buckner.'

'35 Adam roger.'

'Engine 36, Rescue 17, Medic 48 Single vehicle accident Camden Hill Road cross Seaborn no details available, monitor notes for further time out 19:59 incident 1173.'

[END TRANSCRIPT]

I was out until I wasn't. I shivered at the chill in the air and sank back against the warm softness that was behind me.

I heard a voice, then another. I heard the swish of air brakes at the top of the hill and distant voices that seemed to be searching for something.

I was in pain. I was hurt. How bad I didn't know.

The voices got louder, something clawed at the edges of my consciousness.

Those voices needed to find me.

It was important that they found me. The fog still hazed in my head as I woke back up.

Then I remembered.

I let out a blood-curdling scream into the darkness, full of pain and anguish.

Flashlights caught me in the face and a voice said "Over there!" That was followed by even more flashlights as bodies raced down the hill.

They found us against that tree, Chris's arm still wrapped around me. I must have only been out for a moment because he was still warm.

"I got two down here, I need backboards!" A confident voice rang out. That voice approached me and knelt at my side. "My name is Steven. I'm a paramedic. I need to know what hurts."

"Everything," I answered clutching Chris's arm.

"Okay, that's good, if you can feel it that's good. What's your name?" Steven asked.

"Nathan, that's my brother Chris. I think he's dead and it's all my fault."

"Hey, hey, hey. Nathan, I need you to breathe bud. Breathe first. Living comes later. Just breathe for me slow and steady." He said as he started his initial assessment. I did what he asked and just concentrated on breathing.

"What's your last name Nathan?" Steven asked.

"Harris."

"And the one behind you is Chris Harris?"

"Yes."

"How old are you and your brother Nathan?"

"I'm 16, Chris is 18."

"You go to Lost Hills then yeah?"

I nodded feebly, and he gave me a warm smile, his hands were still all over me I guess checking to see what was broken.

"Then you might know my son Max."

"Caster?"

"Small World isn't it?"

I closed my eyes and nodded again.

"Okay Nathan good news, somehow nothing is broken, as far as I can tell. You've got scrapes on you from the tumble but you're looking good." Steven called out after a few moments. He looked to one of his colleagues as the backboard appeared. "Start strapping this one in."

I didn't say anything as they rolled me onto the backboard. My eyes glanced at Chris's face as a flashlight shown on it. His eyes were closed and he looked pale but that could have been the light. I fell into resignation as they slapped a c-collar on my neck to hold my head still and strapped me down to the board.

Steven immediately started in on Chris.

"Hang on. I've got a pulse!" He called out from beside me. "Get that second backboard over here we've got to load and go both of them now! He's not dead Nathan, he's still with us."

My heart jumped in my chest. I stayed quiet so I could hear them work because I couldn't move my head to look over there anymore. They worked quick on getting Chris to the board and strapping him as well. Someone found my phone and stuffed it into my pocket before bodies charged up the hill to the rescue ambulance that was parked up top.

They loaded us both into the same ambulance, and they strapped me down to a bench seat next to the stretcher, and Chris to the stretcher at the center.

I soon heard beeps as Chris was hooked up to the monitor. They seemed weak and too far apart but they were there.

"Get the oxygen, pulse ox is low," Steven said as he kept his concentration.

I closed my eyes and let them do their thing. This was beyond my ability to fix.

"Hey, you." My Dad greeted me as I woke up in the Emergency room.

"Dad," I whispered.

"I'm here Nathan."

"It's all my fault, Dad. I took the bike…" I tried to say as sleep tried to take me again.

"I know Nathan, Anthony told me. Shhh. It's not important now."

I felt his hand stroking my cheek and I leaned into it, allowing sleep to come again.

I stirred again something at the edge of my consciousness, someone was holding my hand. It was soft and it felt good. I was okay with it being held.

I tried to get my eyelids to open to see who it was and I managed to do it for just a moment. The blurry image looked like Corey. It couldn't be Corey though because Corey was mad at me.

Again I fell back into the darkness.

The next time I woke up it was with a jolt. I went from dead asleep to instantly awake. I checked my surroundings. I was in a hospital room and I wasn't alone.

"If you weren't in that bed looking so pathetic, I'd strangle you, Nathan," Jessica said from the chair next to my bed.

I shifted and winced a little. My entire body felt stiff and sore. I tested my limbs by stretching and moving each one to make sure I still had use of them. I looked at Jessica and sighed.

"You can if you want." She stood up and awarded that comment with a slight punch in the shoulder that wouldn't have hurt as much under normal circumstances.

"Ow!"

"What were you thinking!" She railed.

"Really Jess we're going to do this now?"

"Yes now! You almost died dammit! I can't handle you trying to kill yourself because of stupid decisions! If you needed a ride you could have called me! I would have been there for you, I've always been there for you! I'd do anything for you. I have been here practically all fucking weekend crying over your stupid ass!"

"I'm sorry Jess."

She huffed and flopped back down into her chair.

"Everybody has been here to see you."

"Who?"

"Your dad, me, Max, Corey, Dylan, his brother Anthony, and all of Chris's friends, the Senior Varsity Football team. It's been a fucking circus in here." She exclaimed.

"Why?"

"Because we care. They care about you, they care about Chris. Especially Chris. Everybody loves Chris, so now everybody loves you too."

"Chris," I said flatly as I closed my eyes for a moment. "How is he?"

"I shouldn't be the one to tell you, Nate." She replied somberly.

"But you will tell me right now Jessica."

"He's in a coma on full life support. I overheard your Dad talking to one of the doctors, so far there isn't any brain activity."

I opened my eyes to see a tear fall down her cheek. I watched her bite her lip and look away.

"You like him don't you?" I asked.

"Everybody likes Chris, Nathan including me."

"I mean you like him."

She sighed and nodded. "I've always liked him. This isn't the time to deal with me though."

"But you're hurting too, just like I am."

I watched as Jessica sniffed once then nodded her head wiping a tear away, "Yeah I guess I am. I hurt for you too Nathan. You scared me. Somehow Max knew before anyone and told everyone. I've been a nervous wreck since."

"Max's dad was the paramedic that found us."

"Small fucking world. That would explain how Max and Corey ended up talking."

"What?" I asked raising up a little.

"Corey was the first person Max told when he found out. Then they both told me."

"Corey punched me in the face when I mentioned Max's name when we talked in the park." I rubbed my cheek for a moment as I relived the episode.

"Well looks like he got over it. They aren't drinking buddies or anything, but they are civil with each other. What did you and Corey talk about?"

I told her about what happened, the meeting in the park with Corey, my session with my therapist, what I had been feeling, what I had been hiding, and I told her about Chris. I couldn't hold back on that subject, my relationship with my brother poured out of my mouth like a dam breaking.

When I thought about my brother I felt numb. I didn't cry, I didn't feel sad. Yes, I was worried, yes I loved him but I couldn't react emotionally to his condition. When I tried I just felt numb, totally empty, it was such a large void it was beyond crying. I couldn't explain it. It was like my emotions just totally turned themselves off when it came to him and that had me a little worried because I wanted to feel for him, I wanted to anguish over him. I needed that feeling of regret, of guilt, but I felt none of it.

My brother always tried to protect me from pain, he always tried to protect me from everything including myself and now somehow, in what may have been his last act of protection I didn't feel any of it except his love.

His love is what saved me. I could have been the one to hit that tree. I should have been the one to hit that tree. Chris loved me so much that he wrapped his body around me and allowed his body to take the damage instead of mine.

What Chris did for me was the sacrifice of angels, and it was a sacrifice I couldn't take in vain.