The Dreamer - 9. Chapter 9 - Balancing Act

Part 1 - Public and Private

As the semester continued, Manny and Robby’s relationship became a delicate dance between shared and intimate moments. Robby, with his natural confidence and outgoing personality, never hesitated to show affection in public, whether it was with Manny, Cindy, or any of their friends. He had a kind of childlike innocence about him, an openness that Manny admired but struggled to emulate.

Robby was the same as always in public—lively, talkative, and full of energy. He’d casually drape an arm over Manny’s shoulders as they walked across campus or playfully ruffled his hair while sitting together at the student center. These gestures, though small, were Robby’s way of expressing his affection without making a big deal out of it. To him, it was natural; to Manny, it was a challenge.

Manny had never been comfortable with public displays of affection. Even as he grew more accepting of his feelings for Robby, there was still a part of him that tensed up whenever Robby reached for his hand in a crowded space or leaned in to kiss him in front of others. He wasn’t ashamed—he was past that—but there was a deep-seated fear of judgment, of being watched and scrutinized by others.

There were times when they were out with Cindy and her friends, sitting together at a café or walking around campus, and Robby would casually take Manny’s hand under the table or lean close to whisper something in his ear. Manny would glance around nervously, his heart pounding as he wondered if anyone had noticed. But then he’d catch the amused look in Cindy’s eyes or see how Maria smiled at them, and he’d feel more at ease.

Cindy had quickly picked up on Manny’s discomfort, and in her usual supportive way, she tried to create spaces where Manny could feel more comfortable. She’d invite them to her place for movie nights, where they could relax in a more private setting or suggest quieter spots on campus for them to hang out. Cindy’s understanding and subtle encouragement helped Manny feel less self-conscious, allowing him to embrace the affection Robby so freely offered slowly.

One afternoon, they sat in the student center, drinking coffee and chatting about their weekend plans. Robby was in a particularly playful mood, teasing Manny about a recent project he’d been working on, and Manny couldn’t help but laugh along. Without thinking, Robby leaned over and kissed Manny on the cheek, a light, fleeting touch that felt as natural as breathing.

Manny froze for a moment, his smile faltering as he glanced around the room. But when he realized that no one was paying attention, he relaxed when he realized that no one cared. Cindy gave him an encouraging nod, her eyes sparkling with warmth, and Manny felt a surge of affection for both her and Robby.

Gradually, Manny began to relax more in public, accepting Robby’s affection without the usual rush of anxiety. He realized that the world wasn’t watching them as closely as he’d feared, that most people were too caught up in their lives to care about a kiss or a hand-hold. And as he became more comfortable, those public moments blended seamlessly with the private ones, creating a more whole and complete relationship.

But it was in private where their connection truly deepened. Away from the eyes of others, in the quiet of their dorm room or during late-night walks, they allowed themselves to be vulnerable, to share the parts of themselves that were often hidden from the world. They talked about their pasts, fears, and dreams for the future. Manny opened up in ways he never had before, sharing stories and thoughts he had kept locked away, even from himself.

For all his outgoing nature, Robby had his own vulnerabilities. In the privacy of their shared moments, he confided in Manny about his struggles with his family, his pressure to live up to their expectations, and the pain of not being fully accepted for who he was. Manny listened, offering comfort and understanding, and in those moments, their bond grew stronger.

One evening stood out to Manny in particular. They had just returned from a party at Cindy’s place, and the night had been filled with laughter, music, and a few too many drinks. As they walked back to their dorm, the cool night air sobering them up, Manny reached for Robby’s hand, lacing their fingers together. He was getting more comfortable initiating these moments when they were together.

“Do you ever think about what it would be like to just… be us, without worrying about what anyone else thinks?” Robby asked, his voice quiet in the stillness of the night.

Manny thought about it for a moment before answering. “Yeah, I do. I’m getting there, Robby. It’s just… it takes time.”

Robby squeezed his hand, his touch gentle but firm. “I know. And I’ll be here, no matter how long it takes. I don’t care if we’re in public or private—I just want to be with you. Always.”

Those words stuck with Manny, replaying in his mind as they continued walking. By the time they reached their dorm room, Manny felt a sense of peace settle over him, a certainty he hadn’t felt before. He was still figuring things out, still navigating the complexities of being in a relationship with Robby, but he knew that he wanted this—wanted them.

As the months passed, the public and private lines blurred. Manny found himself reaching for Robby’s hand more often, not caring who might see. He’d pull Robby into a quick kiss before heading to class or lean against him while they waited for their food at the campus café. And in return, Robby respected Manny’s pace, never pushing him beyond what he was comfortable with but always being there, a steady and reassuring presence.

Their private moments became more intimate as well. The late-night conversations turned into something more as they allowed themselves to explore the physical side of their relationship. It wasn’t rushed or forced—everything happened naturally as an extension of the deep emotional connection they had already built.

They rearranged their dorm room, moving their beds together and their desks and dressers against the wall.

In those quiet, private moments, Manny discovered a new side of himself, one that he was eager to share with Robby. As they navigated their relationship, balancing the open and private sides, Manny realized that he was no longer just accepting who he was—he was embracing it.

By the time their second year drew to a close, Manny and Robby had settled into a rhythm that felt right. They were no longer just friends who occasionally held hands or shared a kiss. They were partners, boyfriends navigating the complexities of life together, both in public and private. And as they looked ahead, Manny knew that they would face it side by side whatever came next.

Part 2 - The Phone Call Home

As the second year came to a close, Manny knew it was time to make a call he had been putting off. His parents had been expecting him home for the summer, just like last year, but things were different now. With the possibility of an internship on the horizon and his decision to take summer classes, returning to the small town didn’t fit into his plans.

One evening, after a long day of studying, Manny finally picked up the phone and dialed his parents’ number. His mom answered on the second ring, her voice warm and familiar.

“Mason, is that you? It’s so good to hear your voice!” she exclaimed.

“Hey, Mom. Yeah, it’s me,” Manny replied, a smile tugging at his lips. Despite everything, there was always comfort in hearing her voice. “I wanted to talk to you and Dad about the summer. I’m not going to be able to come home this year.”

There was a pause on the other end of the line, and Manny could almost picture his mom’s expression—surprised, maybe a little disappointed, but understanding. “Oh? Why not, dear?”

“School’s really busy, and there’s a chance I might get an internship. Plus, I’m planning on taking a couple of summer classes to stay ahead,” Manny explained, keeping his tone light and matter-of-fact.

“I see,” his mom said slowly. “Well, that makes sense. You’ve always been so dedicated to your studies.” There was a brief silence before she added, almost casually, “How’s Cindy doing? We haven’t heard much about her lately.”

Manny froze for a moment, realizing that he had been so focused on his life in the city that he hadn’t kept his parents in the loop about the changes in his life—especially about Cindy and his relationship with Robby. The mention of Cindy brought a pang of guilt, but he wasn’t ready to have that conversation over the phone. Not yet.

“She’s good, Mom,” Manny said, forcing a lightness into his voice. “Busy with school, just like me. We’ve all got a lot going on right now.”

His mom didn’t press further, sensing that Manny wasn’t ready to talk about it. “Alright, sweetheart. Just know that we miss you, and we’re proud of you. Your dad will be disappointed, but he’ll understand.”

“Thanks, Mom. I miss you guys too. I’ll try to visit when I can, maybe over the Christmas holidays,” Manny promised, feeling a mixture of relief and unease.

They exchanged a few more pleasantries before saying their goodbyes, and as Manny hung up the phone, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had dodged a bullet. He knew he couldn’t keep his parents in the dark forever. Still, for now, it was easier to focus on the immediate future—his studies, the potential internship, and his relationship with Robby.

But as he sat back in his chair, staring at the phone in his hand, Manny also knew that a more honest conversation with his parents was looming. It was just a matter of time.

The summer was busy for Manny; he had taken two extra courses, which kept him constantly occupied. Although he focused on his studies, he couldn’t help but feel that he should have taken the summer off. Maybe he and Robby could have gone on a short vacation somewhere. He’d saved money from working part-time at the record store, and he thought a getaway would have been good for both of them.

He didn’t see Robby as much, since he would often go home to give Manny space to focus on his coursework. Still, Manny missed him during those weeks apart. But he knew that soon enough, summer would be over, the next school year would start, and he and Robby would once again be navigating the challenges of school together—while continuing to deepen their relationship.

Part 3 - Navigating Challenges

As their third year of college began, the pressure on Manny and Robby intensified. The coursework was more demanding than ever, with professors expecting them to take on more responsibilities and prepare for their future careers. Manny had always been diligent about his studies, but even he felt the strain of balancing classes, his part-time job at the record store, and his relationship with Robby.

On the other hand, Robby had always approached life with a carefree attitude, but the mounting pressure of school was beginning to wear on him, too. He was determined to keep up with Manny, but it wasn’t easy. The late-night study sessions, the constant stress of assignments, and the looming uncertainty about their futures created an undercurrent of tension that neither could ignore.

One evening, after an especially grueling day of classes and work, Manny returned to their shared dorm room to find Robby sitting on the bed, textbooks scattered around him. His usual playful demeanor was gone, replaced by a frustrated scowl as he stared at the pages in front of him.

“Hey,” Manny greeted softly, setting his backpack down. “How’s it going?”

Robby barely looked up, his tone clipped. “It’s going.”

Manny could sense that something was off, but he wasn’t sure how to approach it. “You okay? You seem… stressed.”

Robby sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I’m just tired, Manny. Tired of all of this. It feels like we’re always working, always studying, and for what? Sometimes I wonder if any of this is worth it.”

The words hit Manny like a punch to the gut. He had always known that Robby struggled with the more serious aspects of school, but hearing him question the value of their hard work was unsettling. Manny had been counting on the fact that they were in this together, that they were both working toward something bigger.

“Of course, it’s worth it,” Manny said, trying to keep his voice steady. “We’re building our future, Robby. We’ve talked about this—we’re going to make something of ourselves.”

Robby finally looked up, his eyes tired and filled with frustration. “Yeah, but at what cost? I’m barely keeping my head above water here, Manny. I feel like I’m losing myself in all of this. I miss having fun, I miss being us. When was the last time we did something just because we wanted to, not because we had to?”

Manny felt a pang of guilt at Robby’s words. It was true—they had been so focused on their studies and planning for the future that they had lost sight of the simpler things that had once brought them joy. But Manny also felt a surge of defensiveness. He had always been the one who kept them on track, who made sure they were doing what needed to be done. Wasn’t that what they both wanted?

“We’re doing this for us, Robby,” Manny insisted, his voice rising with frustration. “We’re working hard now so we can have the life we’ve always talked about. You know that.”

Robby shook his head, his expression hardening. “But what if this isn’t the life I want, Manny? What if I don’t want to keep pushing myself like this, just to end up in some job that drains the life out of me?”

Robby was clearly frustrated. He rarely raised his voice, but today was different. His words came out sharper than usual, his face flushing with a deep red as anger and frustration bubbled to the surface. The calm, composed demeanor he usually maintained was cracking under the pressure. The constant barrage of schoolwork, the endless deadlines, and the growing distance between him and Manny were pushing him to the brink. “I can’t keep doing this, Manny!” he snapped, his voice tinged with desperation and anger. “We barely see each other anymore, and when we do, it’s like… it’s like we’re just going through the motions. Do you even care how much this is tearing us apart?”

“What’s the point of all of this?” Robby waved his hand angrily at the pile of books and papers scattered across the bed and room, his voice trembling with a mix of frustration and hurt. “What’s the point if we don’t even get a chance to be together? I don’t want this, Manny. I didn’t sign up for endless nights of studying alone, for feeling like we’re drifting apart. I signed up for us—for you, and me. That’s what I wanted. That’s what I thought we both wanted.”

The words hung in the air, heavy with the weight of their unspoken fears. Manny’s heart raced a mix of anger and hurt swirling inside him. He had always been the planner, the one who looked ahead and tried to make sure they were prepared for whatever came next. But now, it felt like everything was slipping through his fingers.

“Are you saying you want to quit?” Manny asked, his voice trembling with emotion.

Robby hesitated, his expression softening as he saw the hurt in Manny’s eyes. “No, I’m not saying that. I just… I don’t know, Manny. I don’t want to lose us in all of this. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize that we’ve drifted apart because we were too focused on everything else.”

Manny’s anger deflated, replaced by a deep sadness. He hadn’t realized how much Robby had been struggling, how much he had been holding inside. He had been so focused on keeping them both on track that he hadn’t noticed the cracks forming beneath the surface.

“Robby, I don’t want that either,” Manny said quietly, stepping closer. “I don’t want to lose us. But I also don’t want to give up on what we’re building. We just… we need to find a balance.”

Robby looked at him for a long moment, the frustration slowly fading from his expression. “Yeah,” he agreed, his voice softer now. “We need to find a way to do this without losing ourselves.”

There was a long silence between them, the tension slowly dissipating as they both processed what had just happened. Manny felt a pang of doubt—had he been pushing Robby too hard? Had he been too focused on the future at the expense of their present? But as he looked into Robby’s eyes, he saw they were still in this together, committed to making it work.

“I’m sorry,” Robby said finally, his voice filled with sincerity. “I didn’t mean to take it out on you. I just… I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, and I didn’t know how to talk about it.”

Manny nodded, understanding. “I’m sorry too. I’ve been so focused on school and the future that I haven’t been paying attention to how you’re feeling. We’re a team, Robby. We need to talk about these things, not let them build up.”

Manny settled down next to Robby, wrapping his arms around him in a comforting embrace. Robby leaned into him, resting his head on Manny’s shoulder, his hand finding its place on Manny’s leg, their connection as natural as breathing.

Robby gave him a small smile, the tension in his shoulders easing. “Yeah, you’re right. I promise I’ll be more open with you. We’ll figure this out together.”

“We’ll make time for us, Robby. I promise. We won’t let this come between us.” replied Manny.

Robby lifted his head off Manny’s shoulder and gazed into his eyes, his voice soft but full of emotion. “I love you, Manny. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Manny whispered, his voice filled with conviction. “I love you too, and we’re going to get through this. Together.”

They both knew that the pressures of school and the uncertainty of the future would continue to challenge them, but they also knew they could rely on each other to navigate those challenges. They were stronger together, and as long as they communicated and supported each other, they would find a way to make it work.

Manny and Robby consciously tried to carve out time for themselves in the following days. They started to scheduled regular date nights, where they could relax and enjoy each other’s company without the pressure of school hanging over them. They went on walks, explored new parts of the city, and even took a weekend trip to a nearby beach, where they spent the day lounging in the fall sun and the evenings talking about anything and everything.

The balance wasn’t perfect—there were still moments of stress, and the demands of school remained ever-present. But they had found a way to reconnect and remind each other why they were doing this in the first place. Their love, their relationship, was worth fighting for, and that knowledge gave them the strength to keep pushing forward.

As the year, and semester progressed, Manny and Robby learned to navigate the challenges together, finding comfort in their shared struggles and joy in their moments of connection. The future was still uncertain, but they knew that as long as they had each other, they could face whatever came next.